Oct. 29, 2024

Worried Sick

Worried Sick

Stress. We all experience in our lives. But some experience it as a chronic experience, affecting their health and their life experiences.
Welcome to Karol Ward. Karol has spent years working with people on their body-mind intelligence to help them...

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Stress. We all experience in our lives. But some experience it as a chronic experience, affecting their health and their life experiences.
Welcome to Karol Ward. Karol has spent years working with people on their body-mind intelligence to help them develop authentic communication with themselves as well as others. She has also talked about the 3 key areas stress shows up in our lives and how we can overcome the stress to live a more full and joyous life.
www.karolward.com

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This program is designed to provide general information with regards

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to the subject matters covered. This information is given with

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the understanding that neither the hosts, guests, sponsors, or station

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are engaged in rendering any specific and personal medical, financial,

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legal counseling, professional service, or any advice. You should seek

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the services of competent professionals before applying or trying any

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suggested ideas.

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At the end of the day, it's not about what

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you have or even what you've accomplished. It's about what

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you've done with those accomplishments. It's about who you've lifted up,

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who you've made better. It's about what you've given back.

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Denzel Washington, welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is

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to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you

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to do the same.

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Carol, welcome to the show.

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Thank you so much, really pleasure to be here.

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Hey, it's great to have you on this show. What

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I'd love for you to do? And I find that

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the journey, the story, the background is always so interesting

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for the people that are listening. What is your story?

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What is your background? How on earth did you get

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to this point that you're doing what you're doing, and

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also who are you in your background?

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Sure, I always say it's a circuitous route. It has

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lots of twists and turns to it, which I think

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most people's lives do. But currently I'll start with where

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I am currently in track back a little bit. Currently,

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I'm a consultant and I specialize in confidence and communication

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for executives who want who be more visible in the workplace.

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How I got there was an interesting tale. So I

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was the daughter of a military man, and I moved

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around quite a bit when I was growing up, primed

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me for connecting to people, or learning how to connect

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to people. I had to figure out how to make

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friends with people wherever I went, and from that I

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became fascinated with people I just like them. And fast forward,

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I went to school and I got a degree in

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psychology and communication because I again am very interested in

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how we connect to ourselves and then how we connect

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to other people. And I came to New York City,

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and at first I pursued an acting career because that's

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where I thought I was going to land. But soon

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I realized that what I was very much interested in

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was sharing my knowledge, not playing a part in a play.

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So I went to school and that's where I got

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the degree in psychology and communication, and then I got

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a master's in social work. I opened a private practice,

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was in private practice as a therapist for a while,

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and then I had the bug to be in front

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of people again, not as a performer, but just I

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liked that whole idea, and I started to go out

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and speak about psychological issues, stress, depression, anxiety, where it

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all comes from. And people started to approach me about

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teaching them to present, and I had never really done

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that before, and organically I started to build this other

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career of helping people communicate what they do in a

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more confident way. So that's the whole journey condensed.

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Okay, great and great story. And so my question is,

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obviously you're working people in business now on how to

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communicate and, as you say, if there's giving talks and

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so forth, how to present themselves. How does that apply

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to the everyday individual that may not be in that

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level of business.

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Well, the way it applies is that we still need

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to be able to have a sense of confidence, and

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then a sense and an ability to be able to

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communicate our confidence no matter what situation that we're in

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maybe we're dating for the first time in a long time.

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We want to be able to talk about ourselves from

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our own personality, not anybody else's. We want to be

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able to share ourselves and have the confidence to do that.

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Maybe you're a parent and you are involved in the

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PTA and you have some ideas that would make things

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better for your children in school. You want to be

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able to communicate that. Or maybe you want to get

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involved in your community and you have some ideas how

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to make your community better. You want to be able

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to communicate your ideas because you can have great ideas.

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But if you are nervous or shy, which we all

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are to some degree, but if you can't get the

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words out, if you can't get your ideas out, it's

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not going to help you feel like you're advocating for

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yourself and other people.

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And what percentage would you say that, at least the

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people you know, and in general, what percentage ofes actually

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hold back on what we really want to say because

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of that lack of confidence, you know, I.

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Couldn't even give it a percentage. It's interesting. I've never

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been asked that before, but I would say it's situation

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dependent because I talk a lot when I go out

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and speak about confidence, that we could be confident in

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one area, and then we have this area, which I

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call our confidence kryptonite, where either it's a certain person

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or personality type or a situation that causes us to

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hold back. So I think we all have times in

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our life when and we can't speak up the way

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that we want to. If it's an ongoing problem, that's

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when I think it requires some introspection and some self study.

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Well, and you talk about personality types, So that just

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triggered something for me. Do you use do you use

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personality types? And do you find that there are specific

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personality types? And by the way, I'm very familiar with

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the disc the advanced disc not just the general one.

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Do you find that different personality types kind of have

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a proclivity either to be able to, you know, share

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their thoughts and so forth, where others tend to be

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a little bit more shy or a little bit less confident.

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And does it have to do with personality?

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Well, it's interesting. I don't use personality types. I've never

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done any kind of pathology diagnosing. Even when I was

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a therapist, I generally sat with who was in front

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of me. Of course I studied it in school, but

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it was really like, what am I getting from this person?

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And what I tell people when I coach them is

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there's a certain half and I'm generalizing here, but there's

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a certain half of the population that can say what

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they mean and they can jump in and express their opinion.

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And then there's another half of the population who require

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a bit more of a launching pad to get into

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situations where they're expressing their opinion. Now, the first group,

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that standard is been the one that many of us

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have been held to. That's the way we should all be.

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We should just speak up and speak out. But that's

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not true. This other group of people, who have many,

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many important things to say and great insights, need to

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embrace and accept that they can converse and share their

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opinion using a different style. And it is just as legit.

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Okay, And I'm gonna I'm gonna hit this just a

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little bit, okay, and I don't disagree, But what what

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my thoughts are is, you know, you've got your extra

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you've got your extrovert left brain. They don't. They have

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no problem saying what they think. You know, it's just

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the way it is. I think there's a smaller percentage

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of that, but anyway, and then you have the left

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brain analytic person who you know, like the the doctors

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and so forth, that are just you know, really focused

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on things and they like to be kind of left

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alone and just analyze and so forth. Whereas you get

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over to the other side, which are the right brain,

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which tend to be more friendly and love to get

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along with people, chat chat chat, all of that. But

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what I find also is that they seem to be

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ruled by emotions a little more. And do you do

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you find that it's those internally emotions and even sometimes

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subconscious emotions, emotions that are limiting their confidence to be

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able to say what they want to say or what

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are the factors that are causing that lack of confidence

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in your mind?

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So the ones if you're saying specifically, people who are

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very emotionally impulsive, that quote unquote impulsive, who either get

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overwhelmed emotionally when they have to share something or they

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are reactive in a very emotional way. Is that what

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you're asking about?

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That exactly?

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Yeah, and now I forgot the question. What was the question? Again?

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As we clarify that what.

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Is causing the lack of confidence in your experience? What

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is it that causes this lack of confidence for individuals

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who really want to be able to speak their mind

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or speak their truths, and yet they're not and they

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don't sure.

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I have found that either it's early conditioning and messaging

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that if you have been told or you learned by

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listening that you were a certain way that who you

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were was not a good enough person, that tends to

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have people hold back. They feel that if they were

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to express themselves they might be shamed or blamed, and

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then they carry that into professional environments or into their community.

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So it's not just so I'm a little nervous about

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sharing my opinion, it's I'm afraid that if I speak

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my truth, I'm going to get in return fill in

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the blank. Whatever you received growing up, whether it was

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criticism or yelling or being told to be quiet, and

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that causes people to start to shut down and feel

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a deeper insecurity. Because confidence, for me, is really a

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self esteem issue. If you don't feel good about yourself,

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you're not putting yourself out in any way. And I

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feel like that that early messaging is what causes people

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to hold back.

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So when you're working with a client that you can

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obviously see that that is occurring, how do you help

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them to actually get in and do that deep inner

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awareness and work that most of us really are in

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some cases are afraid to do well.

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I always ask a couple of questions, like, are you

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aware of why you're holding back? I mean, since I'm

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not acting as a therapist in those situations, but having

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the therapeutic training really really helps, and in a in

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a coaching situation, I'm not crossing those modalities. Coaching is coaching,

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therapy is therapy, though of course, of course they they

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don't they intersect. Yeah, I always believe that though you

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should know your scope of practice. If I'm a therapist now,

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I'm a therapist now. If I'm a coach now, I'm

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a coach now. But to get to your question, so

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I'll ask a couple of questions, are you aware if

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you're not? Sometimes people are aware specifically about childhood stuff.

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Some people have shared with me cultural stuff because I

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coach people from different countries and they're aware of the

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cultural messaging about being seen, and then from there I

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really then offer strategies and techniques for them to practice,

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and then we talk about it, and then we practice

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it again, So it's what is it? And then how

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do we move forward with it? And then a lot

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of discussion of how did that feel? I felt good,

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I felt bad, I felt nervous, What do you think

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would help? So it's a lot of conversation and attunement,

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as you know, which is what helps people will move

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forward well.

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And you know, as you talk about that, you talk

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about strategies of how to move forward and so forth.

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Do you really delve into that subconscious stuff? And as

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you then develop the strategies for them and help them

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to develop strategies within themselves, do you find that that

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tends to go away? Or have they just kind of

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outweighed the other part of it, or do they find

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that they actually find peace and let go of those

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internal beliefs and experiences that they had as children or

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otherwise over time?

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Certainly they do. I mean sometimes I will work with

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someone over a long period of time, an executive. I'll

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do a contract and I really see it, which is

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the pleasure of coaching. When you're doing when you're applying strategies.

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What I think, because my whole background is I'm somatically trained.

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I'm a big body mind person, so I have training

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as a body oriented therapist and you probably have seen

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this as well. You can see when it clicks. You

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can see when someone just relaxes or lights up, and

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you can also see when there is that I don't

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want to go any further. I don't want to go

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any further here, so we don't. That'll be for another session.

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I'll take them to that point and then move on

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from there. But I have seen people their face opens up,

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their posture changes, and then because I record sessions, if

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it's a presentation session, I record sessions. I then say,

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look at this, how you felt about yourself on the

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inside is actually not what's being reflected on the outside.

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That's also a great tool for them.

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Wow.

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Wow, So you talk about the body mind relationship and

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the body mind intelligence. You know, we talk about IQ,

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we talked about emotional intelligence. This first time I've heard

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about body mind intelligence. Can you share what that is?

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Certainly I was trained and experienced myself a somatic type

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of therapy, which is based on the belief in theory

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that we not only process trauma and stress in the mind,

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but we also process it through the body and that

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over time, if we don't process that stress, if it's

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not released, it shows up in psychosomatic symptoms, such as

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I had a client who had tremendous jaw pain, like

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just a lot of pain. It caused her headaches, went

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to the dentists.

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Nothing wrong, nothing wrong, but keep telling the story afterwards.

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Nothing wrong. What it was was the clenching of the

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teeth and the holding back of anger or sadness. And

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as we started to explore that area and the emotional

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release happened, and it took time, the headaches and the

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jaw at tension went away. So that's what I mean that.

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So on one level, it's an emotional it's the body's

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an emotional processing machine, so to speak. But also that

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that brain gut connection is a very strong connection, which

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is why sometimes we feel like, I don't think that's

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a good situation. Whereas to the brain on paper, it

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looks perfectly fine. If we can learn to get those

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two an alignment brain and gut, great resource.

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Well, and I laugh because I am a retired dentist.

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I guess you didn't know that.

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Oh I didn't know that.

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And I used to treat people with that jopping and

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for me when they would come in, and of course

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if you're not familiar with it generally lately, it's like, well, doctor,

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I have TMJ, I really have pain. And I'm looking

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at him going, no, you have two. You have one

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on the left and you have one on the right,

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So now tell me what are your symptoms. And of

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course I wish I had talked to you way back

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when because I had never thought at that time about

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the emotional aspect of that. I looked strictly at the

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neuromuscular and skelettal aspect of that, which again we were

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able to help and resolve, but we had to go

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into literally the deep reason why we had to go

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into the diagnosis of what's really causing this, whereas a

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lot of dis sah, yeah, I have TMJ. You got

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to get operated.

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And it's like, so did you discover what they say

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to you, I've been under a lot of stress or

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I'm grinding my teeth, and you would explain, you know,

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what was happening.

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What I For me, what I found is they're driving.

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You know, for many of them, the reason they're grinting

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their teeth is because the relationship between the neurological, the

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muscles and the nerves and the jaw itself was not

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in balance. And as we got that in balance and

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then started to hit some of those muscular areas that

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were causing the headaches and so forth, with either injections

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or whatever, it went away. But there were some that didn't.

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And like I say, it would have been wonderful to

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talk to you way back when, because then I could

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have said, all right, it's time for you to see

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a therapist and let's figure out what's going on here, right.

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And I am one of those people. Sometimes it is definite,

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it's physical and that's it.

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You know.

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I'm not always like, oh, it has to have some

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psychological route to it. But if you've tried physical things

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and it's not going away, why not give it a

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give it a try and see if there's something underneath

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that pain. I think of the author, famous author Judith Hermann,

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and she wrote a book called Trauma and Recovery. And

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one of the things, if I'm remembering correctly, in that

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book is that people who experience trauma often have stomach

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issues not based on acid reflux, though of course, over time,

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if you're stressed, your acid reflux is going to rise,

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but they were trying to treat it. Then go to

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doctors and try to treat the stomach physically, when in

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reality there was this emotional component and both can be

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addressed well.

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And that was my point. And you know, it's so

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interesting that you know, you get on the doctors will

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put you on medication because you have some kind of

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physical ailment. And as you probably know, and I've certainly

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experienced in all my interviews with people and some of

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the personal stuff that I've gone through, that emotions affect

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the health of individuals absolutely. So often all they do

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is they go in and start taking the meds, which

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causes all sorts of other side effects, rather than really

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looking at what the emotions are that perhaps are creating. That.

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That's right, and sometimes because that emotional trauma is so strong,

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it tips the body into a physical state which has

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to be addressed as well. But I think that the

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dual approach, if things aren't changing, is going to give

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people the most empowerment.

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Well, I agree, and I think what I've seen is

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a lot of times when people work on the emotions,

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the physical goes away. Yes, yeah, and you talk about it,

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you talk about stress, and obviously medically stress creates that

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higher level of cortisol which causes all sorts of issues

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with rights with our bodies. So I know you talk

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about stress, what are the three key areas of stress?

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So there is the first of all, stress can be

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good stress, and that's sometimes I think stress is the

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bad word, but there can be good and bad stress.

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So good stress might be oh, I'm buying a home

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for the first time, or or having a child for

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the first time, or I'm going back to school, whatever

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it is. And then the bad stress can be shows

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up as the isms wlcoholism, alcoholism, substance abuse, gambling issues.

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That when stress gets to the level where there's a

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constant state of anxiety from different sources and you don't

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know how to manage it, you're going to find I

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call it it's a way to self sooth. It doesn't

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serve you in the end, but you try to figure

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out a way to get through that stress by having

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a couple of drinks at night, or shopping or going

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to a casino, or taking some kind of substance to

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do exactly what you said to lower the cortisol. The

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stress response from the nervous system. So stress can come

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from work, it can come from relationships, it can come

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from a political environment, election season, it can come from

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what's happening with the environment. And it's really about learning

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how to get some detachment from those situations so you

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can function in your life well.

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And as you as you talk about stress, and of

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course you know, as I shared with you, I just

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got back from Thailand and I spent nine months over there.

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Wow, it was.

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It was fascinating to me because once I get there,

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I tend to be that analytical individual. That's one I

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knew what you know Dennis is, and well, not necessarily,

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but when I started really researching out, I just wanted

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to understand what is it because I would go around

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the different areas and here are these people that are

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dirt poor. I mean, if they're lucky, they may make

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three to four hundred dollars a month maybe, And yet

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you know, you don't see all the emotions of junk

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that's going on, but I do see outwardly the sense

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of peace and the calmness, and they seem to be

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at peace with themselves. Then as I started to study

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that a little bit more, I recognize that in ninety

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five percent of them are Buddhists. That you know, Buddha

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talked about suffering, stress, that type of thing, and how

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we can achieve the point where we don't experience that anymore.

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That's in my mind, exactly what you're doing when we

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talk about confidence is how do you help someone to

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get to the point where that stress is not deleting

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their confidence and allowing them to really speak their truth,

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speak their minds when they would like to.

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Absolutely it's that you know Buddhism, and I don't study Buddhism,

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but I know that it's all about getting that sense

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of detachment from suffering. That doesn't mean you don't care,

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doesn't mean you won't contribute, but you are not being

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pulled underwater by the overall suffering and pain in the world.

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And so when I work with people, I have them,

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whether it's in a coaching session or in a group session,

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to say, it's that classic what's the worst case scenario?

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What would happen if you forgot where you were in

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your presentation or you started to speak up in a

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meeting and you lost your way, Because that's the big fear, like,

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oh my gosh, I've got to be perfect or say

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it wonderfully. And when you dismantle the irrational fear that's

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probably based on an old experience, when you really dismantle

401
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it and poke holes in it, and people go, oh, I

402
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guess I wouldn't be yelled at or berated the way

403
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I was as a child, because I'll say to them,

404
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if someone were to do that to you, you'd have

405
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a lot more options than you did as a child.

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You'd be able to get up, you'd be able to

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walk out and be able to go what's going on here?

408
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You don't have to take things the way you did

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when you were in a powerless position in the past.

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And people just need to be reminded that they have

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a sense of autonomy, that they have a sense of empowerment,

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and that the world, it's going to sound funny, is

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not against them in the way they might think the

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world is to varying degrees.

415
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So I had a lot to do with their perception

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of the world.

417
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Absolutely, it's perception that's that self esteem route to confidence.

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If you don't have a good sense of that you

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are valuable and that you're a good person, and that

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that's giving your power away to other people, and then

421
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they have all the power to dictate how your day

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is going, your career is going, and your relationship is

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going well.

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And we're talking about that internal confidence crusher, but I

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know that there are external confidence crushers, and I'd love

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for you to talk about that, and then maybe we'll

427
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chat about how do you overcome that too, and how

428
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do you deal with that?

429
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Sure confidence crushers are the people who say and do

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things when you are at your happiest. So, for example,

431
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let's say you in the workplace, we'll use that one

432
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as the first one. You come into your regular group

433
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of friends that you hang out with and you say,

434
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I've just gotten promoted. People who are on your site

435
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will be like fantastic. A confidence crusher will say, oh,

436
00:27:04.839 --> 00:27:08.079
look to you, I guess you're gonna leave me behind

437
00:27:08.200 --> 00:27:11.359
when you when you rise the corporate ladder in a

438
00:27:11.599 --> 00:27:17.240
very sarcastic teasing way. And then if you respond to it,

439
00:27:17.359 --> 00:27:19.759
oh no, no, that's not true. Oh I was only kidding.

440
00:27:20.119 --> 00:27:23.599
How many times have we heard that? Not a good thing?

441
00:27:23.759 --> 00:27:24.079
Again?

442
00:27:24.640 --> 00:27:27.359
We have to look at why would someone in your

443
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happiest moment want to pierce that with teasing? Which is

444
00:27:32.839 --> 00:27:35.240
that kind of teasing is different the kind of teasing

445
00:27:35.279 --> 00:27:37.799
you have with your friends who love you, or your

446
00:27:37.839 --> 00:27:41.440
family you love you. I'm not putting down teasing, but

447
00:27:41.559 --> 00:27:45.240
that kind of response is someone who's a confidence crusher.

448
00:27:46.319 --> 00:27:51.319
Or you go to share with a friend that you're

449
00:27:51.400 --> 00:27:54.039
just starting a new business. I'm starting a new business.

450
00:27:54.079 --> 00:27:56.400
I've decided to quit my job, I've saved up money,

451
00:27:56.400 --> 00:28:01.480
and they go, wow, in this environment, I wouldn't do that.

452
00:28:01.920 --> 00:28:06.960
I mean, your chances of success are pretty bad. The

453
00:28:07.200 --> 00:28:13.839
immediate negative response is coming from a confidence crusher. Usually

454
00:28:14.119 --> 00:28:19.920
that response is from someone who's jealous and thwarted in

455
00:28:19.960 --> 00:28:24.960
their own ambition. So it's interesting to again think why

456
00:28:25.000 --> 00:28:32.160
would my friend respond out of the gate with that negativity. Again,

457
00:28:32.279 --> 00:28:35.119
it's different than someone saying to you, Hey, Doug, great

458
00:28:35.119 --> 00:28:38.920
idea sounds like terrific. Can I ask you a couple

459
00:28:38.920 --> 00:28:41.559
of questions or I want to I want to explore

460
00:28:41.599 --> 00:28:45.000
that with you or challenge you. That's a very different

461
00:28:45.079 --> 00:28:49.200
response when someone shares good news with us, unless they've

462
00:28:49.200 --> 00:28:51.680
told us that, you know, they found a bag of

463
00:28:51.720 --> 00:28:54.359
money outside of a bank, I don't know, we should

464
00:28:54.440 --> 00:29:00.720
usually respond to with happiness. And then the final one

465
00:29:01.160 --> 00:29:07.200
is confidence crushers who who question everything that you do

466
00:29:07.559 --> 00:29:12.440
in a in a critical way. Well, I've decided I'm

467
00:29:12.519 --> 00:29:18.559
going to get married to so and so, Really what

468
00:29:18.640 --> 00:29:21.839
about this? And what about that? Do they earn enough money?

469
00:29:22.359 --> 00:29:24.400
Are you going to give up your place? Why would

470
00:29:24.440 --> 00:29:26.640
you do that at this point in your life? So

471
00:29:26.759 --> 00:29:29.720
instead of the oh, that's fantastic, I'd look to hear

472
00:29:29.839 --> 00:29:33.160
more and then if you hear some red flags you

473
00:29:33.200 --> 00:29:38.799
can question. But again, confidence crushers come from a place

474
00:29:38.960 --> 00:29:41.079
of low self esteem.

475
00:29:42.200 --> 00:29:44.799
And how do you and here's the other question, how

476
00:29:44.839 --> 00:29:51.680
do you help people to understand that it's nothing about them,

477
00:29:51.920 --> 00:29:55.799
but rather it's about the confidence crusher and whatever emotional

478
00:29:56.079 --> 00:29:58.079
issues he's dealing or she's dealing with.

479
00:29:58.799 --> 00:30:01.680
I think it's that detest that we're talking about. First

480
00:30:01.680 --> 00:30:03.799
of all, you're like, ooh, that doesn't feel good when

481
00:30:03.839 --> 00:30:07.960
that person says that. To really, and sometimes this comes

482
00:30:08.000 --> 00:30:10.160
from you have to step away in order to go

483
00:30:10.720 --> 00:30:15.960
Why did my colleague at work respond so negatively? And

484
00:30:16.079 --> 00:30:20.279
sit and think? Is that their usual response to the world?

485
00:30:21.119 --> 00:30:24.319
Are they threatened by me achieving? Why is that? You

486
00:30:24.400 --> 00:30:27.519
don't have to fix it, but to take some time

487
00:30:27.559 --> 00:30:33.000
to think and to really affirm for yourself that someone

488
00:30:33.160 --> 00:30:40.200
responding negatively to good news. It's there's something off there.

489
00:30:41.160 --> 00:30:46.160
When I was going through my coaching certification, the fellow

490
00:30:46.279 --> 00:30:48.960
brought up something. He says, Now, he says, in relationships,

491
00:30:49.519 --> 00:30:53.079
this is what you should do, but don't ever do it.

492
00:30:54.279 --> 00:30:56.519
And it's like okay. He says, when you're in a

493
00:30:56.559 --> 00:31:01.079
situation where as you're talking about someone is unkind is

494
00:31:01.079 --> 00:31:03.839
a confidence crusher. He says, the question you want to

495
00:31:03.880 --> 00:31:07.039
ask is, so what emotions came up that make you

496
00:31:07.039 --> 00:31:10.519
feel that way within yourself? And he says, you don't

497
00:31:10.519 --> 00:31:11.960
want to do that, You're going to get a divorce

498
00:31:11.960 --> 00:31:15.400
in a relationship. But the reality is is you can

499
00:31:15.480 --> 00:31:18.319
do that in your mind. And you if you have

500
00:31:18.400 --> 00:31:22.160
gotten to the point where you have enough confidence when

501
00:31:22.200 --> 00:31:26.000
someone does that, you can think to yourself, all right,

502
00:31:26.039 --> 00:31:29.279
I wonder what challenges have you had in your life?

503
00:31:29.279 --> 00:31:31.440
What emotions you're coming up within you that you would

504
00:31:31.480 --> 00:31:35.599
actually do that to a friend or that's otherwise otherwise.

505
00:31:35.880 --> 00:31:37.759
And you can because people say to me, well what

506
00:31:37.759 --> 00:31:42.039
do I do in the moment? You can? I say

507
00:31:42.079 --> 00:31:44.680
hand it back. So I come in and I say, oh,

508
00:31:44.720 --> 00:31:46.839
I just got to raise I'm going to be promoted

509
00:31:46.839 --> 00:31:49.359
as a manager, I guess you're going to leave us

510
00:31:49.359 --> 00:31:54.160
all behind silence, or you could say what do you mean?

511
00:31:55.000 --> 00:31:57.839
Hand it back? Ask them what do you mean? Well,

512
00:31:59.599 --> 00:32:03.799
it seems it's like you know, you're just going ahead. Yeah,

513
00:32:03.960 --> 00:32:07.640
aren't you happy for me? Like challenge it in the moment,

514
00:32:07.720 --> 00:32:10.200
So that's one thing if you want to practice that.

515
00:32:10.759 --> 00:32:13.640
Or you could say, we'll see, Oh I've got to

516
00:32:13.640 --> 00:32:16.920
take a call and get out of the energy. You

517
00:32:16.920 --> 00:32:20.640
don't always have to take on things immediately. So the

518
00:32:20.759 --> 00:32:24.920
choice is to engage by handing it back. The choices.

519
00:32:25.000 --> 00:32:27.720
If you know the person well to say, you know, Doug,

520
00:32:28.240 --> 00:32:32.400
that's kind of a strange response to me telling you

521
00:32:32.440 --> 00:32:36.599
something that's making me happy. Can I ask you why?

522
00:32:36.880 --> 00:32:39.119
Oh it was a joke. Well, I have to tell

523
00:32:39.160 --> 00:32:43.079
you it's not really funny to me. Oh, you're so sensitive.

524
00:32:43.880 --> 00:32:47.920
And again, how you're responding to me is kind of strange.

525
00:32:47.920 --> 00:32:52.079
What's going on? Or you do the quick Well we'll

526
00:32:52.119 --> 00:32:54.519
see if the corporate ladder takes me high and I

527
00:32:54.519 --> 00:33:00.000
got to go, I have an appointment, So engage, explore

528
00:33:00.119 --> 00:33:01.599
or get out.

529
00:33:02.359 --> 00:33:05.680
And how many people do you find because of whatever

530
00:33:06.200 --> 00:33:10.640
subconscious limiting beliefs they have tend to surround themselves with

531
00:33:10.720 --> 00:33:17.000
confidence crushers rather than surrounding themselves with those positive responsors.

532
00:33:17.079 --> 00:33:22.200
This great question, so many so many people do and

533
00:33:22.319 --> 00:33:29.000
until they start to become aware of huh. This energy

534
00:33:29.160 --> 00:33:33.240
is very similar to the energy I grew up with. So,

535
00:33:33.359 --> 00:33:36.480
for example, in my first book, I show the story

536
00:33:36.519 --> 00:33:45.039
of a colleague who gave up a successful career in finance,

537
00:33:45.960 --> 00:33:50.880
was thriving because she wanted to become a nutritionist. That

538
00:33:50.960 --> 00:33:55.920
was her passion, and she had a parent who was like,

539
00:33:55.960 --> 00:33:58.160
why are you doing this? You have a great job,

540
00:33:58.599 --> 00:34:01.839
Why would you take that risk? Again, the parent had

541
00:34:02.720 --> 00:34:06.920
fear and was projecting it onto my client, and so

542
00:34:07.079 --> 00:34:09.400
my client said, I'm doing it. I'm sorry. My colleagues

543
00:34:09.400 --> 00:34:15.000
said I'm doing it, and she achieved a registered dietitian degree.

544
00:34:15.559 --> 00:34:20.280
The first person she wanted to call was that parent,

545
00:34:20.440 --> 00:34:24.360
who had a negative response the whole way, and we

546
00:34:24.440 --> 00:34:26.800
had a discussion because we were friendly at that point,

547
00:34:26.880 --> 00:34:31.039
like why do you want to do that? How about

548
00:34:31.159 --> 00:34:35.480
filling up with people who are really genuinely happy for

549
00:34:35.639 --> 00:34:39.639
you before you make that call. So we tend to

550
00:34:39.719 --> 00:34:46.960
recreate unconscious subconsciously, actually a family dynamics. We just tend

551
00:34:46.960 --> 00:34:50.360
to do it. We end up with versions of our

552
00:34:50.400 --> 00:34:55.320
caretaker's other father, grandmother, aunt, whoever it is, whoever raised us.

553
00:34:56.239 --> 00:35:00.440
We tend to recreate those dynamics in our relationships, both

554
00:35:00.480 --> 00:35:03.599
the positive qualities and the negative ones.

555
00:35:04.360 --> 00:35:07.840
Well. And as I was doing different you know, studies

556
00:35:07.920 --> 00:35:10.519
and so forth, when I went back to business school, uh,

557
00:35:10.679 --> 00:35:14.760
and it was very much on behavioral approaches in many respects.

558
00:35:15.199 --> 00:35:17.360
One of the things that came out was, you know,

559
00:35:18.000 --> 00:35:21.639
when you have an environment that is not uplifting, you

560
00:35:21.719 --> 00:35:25.079
need to disconnect. And you know that that can be

561
00:35:25.159 --> 00:35:28.639
really tough, particularly if it's family members, if it's parents,

562
00:35:28.760 --> 00:35:31.559
if it's brothers, if it's sisters, or even in work.

563
00:35:31.599 --> 00:35:33.599
And I'm sure where you're working in the you know,

564
00:35:33.760 --> 00:35:37.159
in the corporate community, how many times do you find

565
00:35:37.199 --> 00:35:40.320
that there's a culture there that is affecting your client

566
00:35:40.440 --> 00:35:43.920
to the point where they really need to disconnect and

567
00:35:44.000 --> 00:35:46.559
maybe even move on to a different job or whatever

568
00:35:46.599 --> 00:35:47.400
that happens to be.

569
00:35:47.920 --> 00:35:50.920
That's right, change where you can, if you can make

570
00:35:50.960 --> 00:35:52.840
some changes, if you can take it on, if you

571
00:35:52.880 --> 00:35:56.280
can say to that person, even if they are superior

572
00:35:56.559 --> 00:36:01.480
in the sense of their role, hey, something's going on.

573
00:36:01.639 --> 00:36:03.440
Here can we talk it through.

574
00:36:03.679 --> 00:36:04.280
But you're right.

575
00:36:04.519 --> 00:36:09.360
If it is not changeable, you have to you have

576
00:36:09.400 --> 00:36:12.639
to separate, or else you will be talking about the stress.

577
00:36:13.039 --> 00:36:17.239
You'll start to get overwhelmed by the stress, and it'll

578
00:36:17.239 --> 00:36:20.280
affect your body, mind and spirit well.

579
00:36:20.320 --> 00:36:25.039
So as we talk about that authentic communication, let's define that.

580
00:36:25.239 --> 00:36:30.719
What is authentic communication and how do we actually not

581
00:36:30.760 --> 00:36:32.639
only experience it, but do it.

582
00:36:34.000 --> 00:36:38.719
I believe first it's the first step is accepting yourself

583
00:36:39.079 --> 00:36:43.880
as this valuable person, because once that's in place, all

584
00:36:44.000 --> 00:36:47.159
other things flow, whether you make a mistake, whether you

585
00:36:47.199 --> 00:36:50.320
have a success, if you feel I'm coming from the

586
00:36:50.360 --> 00:36:54.719
best place possible. I didn't mean to hurt my colleagues feelings,

587
00:36:54.840 --> 00:36:58.239
I didn't mean to hurt my partner, my romantic partner's feelings.

588
00:36:58.360 --> 00:37:01.280
I did, but I'm really a good person. It's not

589
00:37:01.360 --> 00:37:07.199
because I'm horrible. You can then learn to express like

590
00:37:07.280 --> 00:37:08.519
a gate comes off.

591
00:37:09.239 --> 00:37:09.880
You can then.

592
00:37:09.880 --> 00:37:14.280
Say things like I really messed up, I really messed up,

593
00:37:14.480 --> 00:37:19.760
and I'm so sorry. Please accept my apology. Let's work

594
00:37:19.800 --> 00:37:24.639
it through. So authentic communication comes from having an authentic

595
00:37:24.760 --> 00:37:27.559
sense of self, and then how you do it. Remember,

596
00:37:27.880 --> 00:37:30.679
people don't have to reach that standard of just being

597
00:37:30.719 --> 00:37:33.440
the most gregarious person in the room. They can be

598
00:37:33.480 --> 00:37:38.440
a quiet person and still speak authentically because they believe

599
00:37:38.480 --> 00:37:43.199
that what they have to say will contribute to the conversation.

600
00:37:44.679 --> 00:37:47.920
And sometimes if you really have that confidence, you'll learn

601
00:37:47.960 --> 00:37:50.480
not to say anything in that particular environment.

602
00:37:51.199 --> 00:37:54.199
Very very true. Pick up the vibe in the room, right,

603
00:37:54.320 --> 00:37:58.639
this is not a good place to step in. Very true.

604
00:37:58.920 --> 00:38:01.840
That's that trust, yes, And as you're working with people,

605
00:38:01.880 --> 00:38:04.960
and you know, there's different words for it, that inner confidence,

606
00:38:05.039 --> 00:38:08.039
that divine within. How do you help people that have

607
00:38:08.079 --> 00:38:11.880
gone through all of that trauma and literally have that

608
00:38:11.920 --> 00:38:14.559
belief system that I'm not good enough, I'm really no

609
00:38:14.639 --> 00:38:18.519
good blah blah blah. How do you help them to

610
00:38:18.719 --> 00:38:24.480
understand that the goodness literally is there innately within them

611
00:38:25.159 --> 00:38:28.800
and that they can go from that perspective rather than

612
00:38:29.079 --> 00:38:29.840
anything else.

613
00:38:31.320 --> 00:38:36.159
One of the simplest yet it is the hardest exercise

614
00:38:36.280 --> 00:38:39.199
that I give to people. Simple in what I ask

615
00:38:39.280 --> 00:38:43.280
them to do, but hard for them to do is

616
00:38:43.519 --> 00:38:48.280
an acknowledgment exercise. And I will say to them, for

617
00:38:48.360 --> 00:38:51.440
the next week or two weeks, I want you to

618
00:38:51.559 --> 00:38:57.400
track every compliment that comes your way from the large

619
00:38:57.400 --> 00:39:00.800
ones to the small ones. So that could be. A

620
00:39:00.920 --> 00:39:05.679
large one could be wow, you really gave a great presentation.

621
00:39:06.199 --> 00:39:10.559
It's very effective. A small one could be thanks mom,

622
00:39:11.199 --> 00:39:15.719
great spaghetti, whatever it is, or someone's saying to you

623
00:39:15.280 --> 00:39:19.440
you look great in that blouse or nice tie, whatever

624
00:39:19.480 --> 00:39:23.159
it is. Track it now so that seems easy, and

625
00:39:23.199 --> 00:39:27.480
then people will reluctantly and will do it because they

626
00:39:28.199 --> 00:39:30.199
The biggest thing, Doug, that I've seen is people tend

627
00:39:30.199 --> 00:39:34.920
to dismiss compliments. People whose self esteem is not in

628
00:39:35.000 --> 00:39:39.800
place will be like, yeah, well yeah, but yeah, not

629
00:39:39.920 --> 00:39:43.119
as good as so and so whatever it is. The

630
00:39:43.199 --> 00:39:45.519
hard thing is then to share it, either with me

631
00:39:46.519 --> 00:39:51.280
or another person. That's when people feel ooh, am I

632
00:39:51.320 --> 00:39:53.960
allowed to do that? Am I allowed to share with

633
00:39:54.079 --> 00:39:58.159
Doug that I got a compliment at work? Can I

634
00:39:58.239 --> 00:40:03.400
share with my best friend that my date told me

635
00:40:03.400 --> 00:40:07.239
it was the best date ever because of how nice

636
00:40:07.280 --> 00:40:15.239
I was. It's the permission to first accept the compliment

637
00:40:15.519 --> 00:40:16.280
and then share it.

638
00:40:17.559 --> 00:40:20.000
I love it. So you've written some books and I

639
00:40:20.480 --> 00:40:23.280
think as the last one was word Sick or is

640
00:40:23.000 --> 00:40:24.800
that is that your latest book? Yes?

641
00:40:25.000 --> 00:40:26.159
Latest in a while back.

642
00:40:26.239 --> 00:40:31.119
Yes, but so the word sick And I know that

643
00:40:31.119 --> 00:40:33.280
there's more to that name than just that I saw

644
00:40:33.400 --> 00:40:36.760
I wrote down, what is that book all out about?

645
00:40:36.880 --> 00:40:37.960
And why did you write it?

646
00:40:38.880 --> 00:40:41.679
I wrote it because, again it was out of my

647
00:40:42.880 --> 00:40:50.679
fascination with how worry does affect us in mind, body,

648
00:40:51.039 --> 00:40:54.679
and spirit. That there is such a thing as chronic

649
00:40:54.800 --> 00:41:00.840
worrying where it becomes a defense against the world. So

650
00:41:00.880 --> 00:41:07.480
a chronic worrier is someone who checks the weather forecast,

651
00:41:08.000 --> 00:41:13.960
is the one who plans for all contingencies on a trip. Again,

652
00:41:14.000 --> 00:41:18.920
they're positive parts to that, but they can't relax. They

653
00:41:18.960 --> 00:41:23.280
can't be like, well, if it rains, it rains, or

654
00:41:24.039 --> 00:41:27.119
I don't have to keep watching the most gloom and

655
00:41:27.199 --> 00:41:33.880
doom news broadcast just in case. Chronic warriors are just

656
00:41:34.119 --> 00:41:37.760
in case people, and it can start to wear them

657
00:41:37.840 --> 00:41:46.320
down because they are living life with a caution that

658
00:41:46.360 --> 00:41:52.400
can hold them back from their own dreams and desires. Yes, yes,

659
00:41:52.440 --> 00:41:57.800
and again, chronic worry is a way to manage anxiety.

660
00:41:57.920 --> 00:42:02.679
That's what's driving it. It's an anxiety. Are there times

661
00:42:02.719 --> 00:42:06.519
when when when being a good warrior is a good thing, Absolutely,

662
00:42:07.000 --> 00:42:11.679
But if it's keeping you from going for that promotion

663
00:42:12.119 --> 00:42:15.880
or dating or moving because you're so afraid of the

664
00:42:15.960 --> 00:42:19.599
what ifs. That's something you have to start looking at.

665
00:42:19.800 --> 00:42:23.400
Or as we talked about earlier, you have the jaw

666
00:42:23.599 --> 00:42:26.840
or the stomach or the shoulders, or you're so physically

667
00:42:27.039 --> 00:42:31.719
tense you can't enjoy your life well.

668
00:42:32.039 --> 00:42:34.639
And it's tough. You know. I talked to my kids

669
00:42:34.920 --> 00:42:39.199
and you know, and myself about new adventures, and I

670
00:42:39.239 --> 00:42:42.079
think that that's the big challenge is, Oh, here's a

671
00:42:42.079 --> 00:42:44.440
new adventure. I'd really love to get involved in it.

672
00:42:44.960 --> 00:42:47.599
And yet, as you say, then comes the worry, Then

673
00:42:47.679 --> 00:42:51.159
comes the stress, then comes the confidence lack of and

674
00:42:51.719 --> 00:42:55.440
it can stop you from actually doing something new as

675
00:42:55.480 --> 00:43:01.679
an adventure that may be an incredible experience, right, And so.

676
00:43:01.760 --> 00:43:06.119
With a chronic warrior, one of the best ways to

677
00:43:07.480 --> 00:43:10.199
unhook from that is to disrupt it. So if you

678
00:43:10.280 --> 00:43:12.800
find yourself I'm going to go, I'm going to plan

679
00:43:12.880 --> 00:43:14.559
a trip. We're going to go to the Grand Canyon.

680
00:43:14.639 --> 00:43:18.039
Oh what if it rains, What if the canyon floods,

681
00:43:18.360 --> 00:43:20.760
what if someone falls over the edge. I mean, all

682
00:43:20.840 --> 00:43:24.440
of this doom and glue when that starts to go

683
00:43:24.440 --> 00:43:27.440
and you have to disrupt it, get up, get out,

684
00:43:27.760 --> 00:43:31.800
wash your dishes, play a game on the computer, go outside.

685
00:43:33.360 --> 00:43:37.599
You can get your mind to focus on something else

686
00:43:37.760 --> 00:43:42.599
so that rumination doesn't drive you to never leave your house.

687
00:43:43.760 --> 00:43:49.800
All righty, and time runs by so fast, so we're

688
00:43:49.880 --> 00:43:52.679
running out. But what I'd love for you to do

689
00:43:52.760 --> 00:43:55.119
is share with the audience if there was a message

690
00:43:55.480 --> 00:43:57.559
that you wanted to share with them, a short message,

691
00:43:57.599 --> 00:43:58.400
what would that be.

692
00:43:59.559 --> 00:44:04.159
It has to do with that. Confidence is something that

693
00:44:04.280 --> 00:44:08.039
can be relearned. Usually start out with it, but it

694
00:44:08.079 --> 00:44:11.199
can be relearn and one of the ways that you

695
00:44:11.239 --> 00:44:15.920
can learn it again is to focus on yourself and

696
00:44:16.000 --> 00:44:20.800
to start doing things like acknowledging the compliments that you

697
00:44:20.880 --> 00:44:24.440
get during the week, maybe even working with someone who

698
00:44:24.480 --> 00:44:27.280
can help you and remind you that you're a good person.

699
00:44:27.840 --> 00:44:31.320
But start with you first, clear out all of the

700
00:44:31.360 --> 00:44:34.320
blocks that are stopping you from being the person that

701
00:44:34.360 --> 00:44:36.920
you want to be. It will pay off.

702
00:44:38.119 --> 00:44:41.440
I love it. So how do people find you? Carol? Sure?

703
00:44:41.480 --> 00:44:44.280
You can go on my website which is Carol with

704
00:44:44.360 --> 00:44:49.239
a k KA r O l Ward dot com. And

705
00:44:49.320 --> 00:44:52.360
on my website, I actually have a tab for some

706
00:44:52.440 --> 00:44:56.360
free resources that people can download. One is a goal

707
00:44:56.440 --> 00:45:02.280
setting download. One is a stress reduction audio download set

708
00:45:02.320 --> 00:45:06.239
to original music, and one is a quick presentation tips

709
00:45:06.360 --> 00:45:09.840
checklist just you can access those there.

710
00:45:10.880 --> 00:45:15.000
And do you work with clients outside of the organizational

711
00:45:15.039 --> 00:45:16.920
community with individuals?

712
00:45:17.360 --> 00:45:20.119
I do. I primarily work with people who are trying

713
00:45:20.159 --> 00:45:25.599
to expand their small business and I help them figure

714
00:45:25.599 --> 00:45:28.559
out what's in the way from them becoming more visible.

715
00:45:28.719 --> 00:45:33.320
So it's a very strategic approach to what's in the way.

716
00:45:33.519 --> 00:45:36.719
And then here's the actions that you can take to

717
00:45:36.800 --> 00:45:39.599
become the thought leader that you want to be.

718
00:45:40.639 --> 00:45:43.119
I love it, well, Carol, thanks so much. This has

719
00:45:43.159 --> 00:45:43.960
been a great.

720
00:45:43.679 --> 00:45:45.800
Discussion, great talking with you.

721
00:45:46.559 --> 00:45:49.719
I love it, and folks, thanks for listening. Hope you've

722
00:45:49.800 --> 00:45:52.119
enjoyed it and look forward to having you join us

723
00:45:52.119 --> 00:45:56.039
again soon as a doctor. Doug saying no mistay

724
00:46:00.119 --> 00:46:03.239
O totted every year