Oct. 29, 2024

Worried Sick

Show Notes
Transcript

Stress. We all experience in our lives. But some experience it as a chronic experience, affecting their health and their life experiences.
Welcome to Karol Ward. Karol has spent years working with people on their body-mind intelligence to help them develop authentic communication with themselves as well as others. She has also talked about the 3 key areas stress shows up in our lives and how we can overcome the stress to live a more full and joyous life.
www.karolward.com

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This program is designed to provide general information with regards

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to the subject matters covered. This information is given with

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the understanding that neither the hosts, guests, sponsors, or station

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are engaged in rendering any specific and personal medical, financial,

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legal counseling, professional service, or any advice. You should seek

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the services of competent professionals before applying or trying any

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suggested ideas.

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At the end of the day, it's not about what

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you have or even what you've accomplished. It's about what

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you've done with those accomplishments. It's about who you've lifted up,

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who you've made better. It's about what you've given back.

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Denzel Washington, welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is

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to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you

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to do the same.

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Carol, welcome to the show.

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Thank you so much, really pleasure to be here.

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Hey, it's great to have you on this show. What

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I'd love for you to do? And I find that

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the journey, the story, the background is always so interesting

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for the people that are listening. What is your story?

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What is your background? How on earth did you get

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to this point that you're doing what you're doing, and

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also who are you in your background?

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Sure, I always say it's a circuitous route. It has

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lots of twists and turns to it, which I think

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most people's lives do. But currently I'll start with where

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I am currently in track back a little bit. Currently,

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I'm a consultant and I specialize in confidence and communication

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for executives who want who be more visible in the workplace.

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How I got there was an interesting tale. So I

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was the daughter of a military man, and I moved

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around quite a bit when I was growing up, primed

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me for connecting to people, or learning how to connect

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to people. I had to figure out how to make

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friends with people wherever I went, and from that I

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became fascinated with people I just like them. And fast forward,

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I went to school and I got a degree in

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psychology and communication because I again am very interested in

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how we connect to ourselves and then how we connect

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to other people. And I came to New York City,

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and at first I pursued an acting career because that's

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where I thought I was going to land. But soon

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I realized that what I was very much interested in

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was sharing my knowledge, not playing a part in a play.

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So I went to school and that's where I got

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the degree in psychology and communication, and then I got

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a master's in social work. I opened a private practice,

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was in private practice as a therapist for a while,

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and then I had the bug to be in front

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of people again, not as a performer, but just I

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liked that whole idea, and I started to go out

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and speak about psychological issues, stress, depression, anxiety, where it

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all comes from. And people started to approach me about

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teaching them to present, and I had never really done

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that before, and organically I started to build this other

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career of helping people communicate what they do in a

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more confident way. So that's the whole journey condensed.

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Okay, great and great story. And so my question is,

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obviously you're working people in business now on how to

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communicate and, as you say, if there's giving talks and

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so forth, how to present themselves. How does that apply

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to the everyday individual that may not be in that

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level of business.

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Well, the way it applies is that we still need

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to be able to have a sense of confidence, and

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then a sense and an ability to be able to

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communicate our confidence no matter what situation that we're in

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maybe we're dating for the first time in a long time.

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We want to be able to talk about ourselves from

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our own personality, not anybody else's. We want to be

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able to share ourselves and have the confidence to do that.

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Maybe you're a parent and you are involved in the

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PTA and you have some ideas that would make things

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better for your children in school. You want to be

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able to communicate that. Or maybe you want to get

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involved in your community and you have some ideas how

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to make your community better. You want to be able

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to communicate your ideas because you can have great ideas.

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But if you are nervous or shy, which we all

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are to some degree, but if you can't get the

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words out, if you can't get your ideas out, it's

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not going to help you feel like you're advocating for

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yourself and other people.

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And what percentage would you say that, at least the

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people you know, and in general, what percentage ofes actually

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hold back on what we really want to say because

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of that lack of confidence, you know, I.

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Couldn't even give it a percentage. It's interesting. I've never

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been asked that before, but I would say it's situation

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dependent because I talk a lot when I go out

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and speak about confidence, that we could be confident in

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one area, and then we have this area, which I

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call our confidence kryptonite, where either it's a certain person

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or personality type or a situation that causes us to

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hold back. So I think we all have times in

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our life when and we can't speak up the way

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that we want to. If it's an ongoing problem, that's

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when I think it requires some introspection and some self study.

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Well, and you talk about personality types, So that just

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triggered something for me. Do you use do you use

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personality types? And do you find that there are specific

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personality types? And by the way, I'm very familiar with

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the disc the advanced disc not just the general one.

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Do you find that different personality types kind of have

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a proclivity either to be able to, you know, share

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their thoughts and so forth, where others tend to be

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a little bit more shy or a little bit less confident.

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And does it have to do with personality?

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Well, it's interesting. I don't use personality types. I've never

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done any kind of pathology diagnosing. Even when I was

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a therapist, I generally sat with who was in front

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of me. Of course I studied it in school, but

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it was really like, what am I getting from this person?

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And what I tell people when I coach them is

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there's a certain half and I'm generalizing here, but there's

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a certain half of the population that can say what

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they mean and they can jump in and express their opinion.

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And then there's another half of the population who require

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a bit more of a launching pad to get into

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situations where they're expressing their opinion. Now, the first group,

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that standard is been the one that many of us

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have been held to. That's the way we should all be.

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We should just speak up and speak out. But that's

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not true. This other group of people, who have many,

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many important things to say and great insights, need to

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embrace and accept that they can converse and share their

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opinion using a different style. And it is just as legit.

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Okay, And I'm gonna I'm gonna hit this just a

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little bit, okay, and I don't disagree, But what what

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my thoughts are is, you know, you've got your extra

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you've got your extrovert left brain. They don't. They have

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no problem saying what they think. You know, it's just

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the way it is. I think there's a smaller percentage

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of that, but anyway, and then you have the left

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brain analytic person who you know, like the the doctors

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and so forth, that are just you know, really focused

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on things and they like to be kind of left

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alone and just analyze and so forth. Whereas you get

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over to the other side, which are the right brain,

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which tend to be more friendly and love to get

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along with people, chat chat chat, all of that. But

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what I find also is that they seem to be

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ruled by emotions a little more. And do you do

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you find that it's those internally emotions and even sometimes

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subconscious emotions, emotions that are limiting their confidence to be

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able to say what they want to say or what

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are the factors that are causing that lack of confidence

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in your mind?

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So the ones if you're saying specifically, people who are

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very emotionally impulsive, that quote unquote impulsive, who either get

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overwhelmed emotionally when they have to share something or they

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are reactive in a very emotional way. Is that what

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you're asking about?

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That exactly?

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Yeah, and now I forgot the question. What was the question? Again?

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As we clarify that what.

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Is causing the lack of confidence in your experience? What

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is it that causes this lack of confidence for individuals

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who really want to be able to speak their mind

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or speak their truths, and yet they're not and they

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don't sure.

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I have found that either it's early conditioning and messaging

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that if you have been told or you learned by

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listening that you were a certain way that who you

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were was not a good enough person, that tends to

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have people hold back. They feel that if they were

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to express themselves they might be shamed or blamed, and

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then they carry that into professional environments or into their community.

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So it's not just so I'm a little nervous about

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sharing my opinion, it's I'm afraid that if I speak

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my truth, I'm going to get in return fill in

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the blank. Whatever you received growing up, whether it was

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criticism or yelling or being told to be quiet, and

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that causes people to start to shut down and feel

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a deeper insecurity. Because confidence, for me, is really a

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self esteem issue. If you don't feel good about yourself,

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you're not putting yourself out in any way. And I

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feel like that that early messaging is what causes people

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to hold back.

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So when you're working with a client that you can

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obviously see that that is occurring, how do you help

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them to actually get in and do that deep inner

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awareness and work that most of us really are in

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some cases are afraid to do well.

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I always ask a couple of questions, like, are you

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aware of why you're holding back? I mean, since I'm

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not acting as a therapist in those situations, but having

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the therapeutic training really really helps, and in a in

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a coaching situation, I'm not crossing those modalities. Coaching is coaching,

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therapy is therapy, though of course, of course they they

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don't they intersect. Yeah, I always believe that though you

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should know your scope of practice. If I'm a therapist now,

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I'm a therapist now. If I'm a coach now, I'm

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a coach now. But to get to your question, so

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I'll ask a couple of questions, are you aware if

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you're not? Sometimes people are aware specifically about childhood stuff.

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Some people have shared with me cultural stuff because I

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coach people from different countries and they're aware of the

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cultural messaging about being seen, and then from there I

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really then offer strategies and techniques for them to practice,

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and then we talk about it, and then we practice

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it again, So it's what is it? And then how

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do we move forward with it? And then a lot

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of discussion of how did that feel? I felt good,

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I felt bad, I felt nervous, What do you think

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would help? So it's a lot of conversation and attunement,

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as you know, which is what helps people will move

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forward well.

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And you know, as you talk about that, you talk

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about strategies of how to move forward and so forth.

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Do you really delve into that subconscious stuff? And as

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you then develop the strategies for them and help them

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to develop strategies within themselves, do you find that that

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tends to go away? Or have they just kind of

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outweighed the other part of it, or do they find

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that they actually find peace and let go of those

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internal beliefs and experiences that they had as children or

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otherwise over time?

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Certainly they do. I mean sometimes I will work with

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someone over a long period of time, an executive. I'll

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do a contract and I really see it, which is

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the pleasure of coaching. When you're doing when you're applying strategies.

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What I think, because my whole background is I'm somatically trained.

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I'm a big body mind person, so I have training

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as a body oriented therapist and you probably have seen

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this as well. You can see when it clicks. You

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can see when someone just relaxes or lights up, and

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you can also see when there is that I don't

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want to go any further. I don't want to go

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any further here, so we don't. That'll be for another session.

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I'll take them to that point and then move on

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from there. But I have seen people their face opens up,

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their posture changes, and then because I record sessions, if

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it's a presentation session, I record sessions. I then say,

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look at this, how you felt about yourself on the

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inside is actually not what's being reflected on the outside.

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That's also a great tool for them.

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Wow.

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Wow, So you talk about the body mind relationship and

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the body mind intelligence. You know, we talk about IQ,

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we talked about emotional intelligence. This first time I've heard

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about body mind intelligence. Can you share what that is?

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Certainly I was trained and experienced myself a somatic type

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of therapy, which is based on the belief in theory

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that we not only process trauma and stress in the mind,

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but we also process it through the body and that

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over time, if we don't process that stress, if it's

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not released, it shows up in psychosomatic symptoms, such as

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I had a client who had tremendous jaw pain, like

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just a lot of pain. It caused her headaches, went

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to the dentists.

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Nothing wrong, nothing wrong, but keep telling the story afterwards.

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Nothing wrong. What it was was the clenching of the

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teeth and the holding back of anger or sadness. And

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as we started to explore that area and the emotional

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release happened, and it took time, the headaches and the

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jaw at tension went away. So that's what I mean that.

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So on one level, it's an emotional it's the body's

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an emotional processing machine, so to speak. But also that

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that brain gut connection is a very strong connection, which

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is why sometimes we feel like, I don't think that's

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a good situation. Whereas to the brain on paper, it

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looks perfectly fine. If we can learn to get those

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two an alignment brain and gut, great resource.

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Well, and I laugh because I am a retired dentist.

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I guess you didn't know that.

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Oh I didn't know that.

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And I used to treat people with that jopping and

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for me when they would come in, and of course

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if you're not familiar with it generally lately, it's like, well, doctor,

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I have TMJ, I really have pain. And I'm looking

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at him going, no, you have two. You have one

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on the left and you have one on the right,

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So now tell me what are your symptoms. And of

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course I wish I had talked to you way back

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when because I had never thought at that time about

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the emotional aspect of that. I looked strictly at the

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neuromuscular and skelettal aspect of that, which again we were

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able to help and resolve, but we had to go

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into literally the deep reason why we had to go

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into the diagnosis of what's really causing this, whereas a

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lot of dis sah, yeah, I have TMJ. You got

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to get operated.

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And it's like, so did you discover what they say

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to you, I've been under a lot of stress or

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I'm grinding my teeth, and you would explain, you know,

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what was happening.

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What I For me, what I found is they're driving.

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You know, for many of them, the reason they're grinting

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their teeth is because the relationship between the neurological, the

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muscles and the nerves and the jaw itself was not

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in balance. And as we got that in balance and

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then started to hit some of those muscular areas that

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were causing the headaches and so forth, with either injections

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or whatever, it went away. But there were some that didn't.

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And like I say, it would have been wonderful to

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talk to you way back when, because then I could

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have said, all right, it's time for you to see

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a therapist and let's figure out what's going on here, right.

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And I am one of those people. Sometimes it is definite,

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it's physical and that's it.

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You know.

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I'm not always like, oh, it has to have some

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psychological route to it. But if you've tried physical things

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and it's not going away, why not give it a

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give it a try and see if there's something underneath

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that pain. I think of the author, famous author Judith Hermann,

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and she wrote a book called Trauma and Recovery. And

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one of the things, if I'm remembering correctly, in that

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book is that people who experience trauma often have stomach

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issues not based on acid reflux, though of course, over time,

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if you're stressed, your acid reflux is going to rise,

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but they were trying to treat it. Then go to

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doctors and try to treat the stomach physically, when in

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reality there was this emotional component and both can be

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addressed well.

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And that was my point. And you know, it's so

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interesting that you know, you get on the doctors will

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put you on medication because you have some kind of

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physical ailment. And as you probably know, and I've certainly

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experienced in all my interviews with people and some of

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the personal stuff that I've gone through, that emotions affect

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the health of individuals absolutely. So often all they do

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is they go in and start taking the meds, which

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causes all sorts of other side effects, rather than really

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looking at what the emotions are that perhaps are creating. That.

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That's right, and sometimes because that emotional trauma is so strong,

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it tips the body into a physical state which has

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to be addressed as well. But I think that the

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dual approach, if things aren't changing, is going to give

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people the most empowerment.

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Well, I agree, and I think what I've seen is

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a lot of times when people work on the emotions,

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the physical goes away. Yes, yeah, and you talk about it,

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you talk about stress, and obviously medically stress creates that

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higher level of cortisol which causes all sorts of issues

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with rights with our bodies. So I know you talk

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about stress, what are the three key areas of stress?

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So there is the first of all, stress can be

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good stress, and that's sometimes I think stress is the

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bad word, but there can be good and bad stress.

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So good stress might be oh, I'm buying a home

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for the first time, or or having a child for

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the first time, or I'm going back to school, whatever

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it is. And then the bad stress can be shows

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up as the isms wlcoholism, alcoholism, substance abuse, gambling issues.

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That when stress gets to the level where there's a

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constant state of anxiety from different sources and you don't

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know how to manage it, you're going to find I

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call it it's a way to self sooth. It doesn't

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serve you in the end, but you try to figure

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out a way to get through that stress by having

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a couple of drinks at night, or shopping or going

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to a casino, or taking some kind of substance to

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do exactly what you said to lower the cortisol. The

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stress response from the nervous system. So stress can come

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from work, it can come from relationships, it can come

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from a political environment, election season, it can come from

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what's happening with the environment. And it's really about learning

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how to get some detachment from those situations so you

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can function in your life well.

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And as you as you talk about stress, and of

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course you know, as I shared with you, I just

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got back from Thailand and I spent nine months over there.

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Wow, it was.

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It was fascinating to me because once I get there,

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I tend to be that analytical individual. That's one I

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knew what you know Dennis is, and well, not necessarily,

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but when I started really researching out, I just wanted

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to understand what is it because I would go around

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the different areas and here are these people that are

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dirt poor. I mean, if they're lucky, they may make

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three to four hundred dollars a month maybe, And yet

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you know, you don't see all the emotions of junk

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that's going on, but I do see outwardly the sense

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of peace and the calmness, and they seem to be

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at peace with themselves. Then as I started to study

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that a little bit more, I recognize that in ninety

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five percent of them are Buddhists. That you know, Buddha

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talked about suffering, stress, that type of thing, and how

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we can achieve the point where we don't experience that anymore.

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That's in my mind, exactly what you're doing when we

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talk about confidence is how do you help someone to

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get to the point where that stress is not deleting

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their confidence and allowing them to really speak their truth,

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speak their minds when they would like to.

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Absolutely it's that you know Buddhism, and I don't study Buddhism,

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but I know that it's all about getting that sense

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of detachment from suffering. That doesn't mean you don't care,

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doesn't mean you won't contribute, but you are not being

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pulled underwater by the overall suffering and pain in the world.

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And so when I work with people, I have them,

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whether it's in a coaching session or in a group session,

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to say, it's that classic what's the worst case scenario?

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What would happen if you forgot where you were in

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