Women, You Can Steer Your Relationship Back on Course

WEBVTT

1
00:00:01.080 --> 00:00:06.280
This program is designed to provide general
information with regards to the subject matters covered.

2
00:00:06.400 --> 00:00:10.359
This information is given with the understanding
that neither the hosts, guests,

3
00:00:10.599 --> 00:00:17.480
sponsors, or station are engaged in
rendering any specific and personal medical, financial,

4
00:00:17.879 --> 00:00:22.920
legal counseling, professional service, or
any advice. You should seek the

5
00:00:22.960 --> 00:00:31.679
services of competent professionals before applying or
trying any suggested ideas. At the end

6
00:00:31.719 --> 00:00:35.520
of the day, it's not about
what you have or even what you've accomplished.

7
00:00:35.880 --> 00:00:39.920
It's about what you've done with those
accomplishments. It's about who you've lifted

8
00:00:39.960 --> 00:00:45.280
up, who you've made better.
It's about what you've given back Thanzel Washington,

9
00:00:46.079 --> 00:00:49.880
Welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole
purpose is to elevate the lives of

10
00:00:49.920 --> 00:00:55.520
others and to inspire you to do
the same. Christy, welcome to the

11
00:00:55.560 --> 00:01:00.000
show. How are you? Thank
you? I'm really good. I'm excited

12
00:01:00.039 --> 00:01:02.399
to have you on the show.
Like I would say to you just a

13
00:01:02.439 --> 00:01:04.519
little bit earlier, this is going
to be an interesting one because here we

14
00:01:04.560 --> 00:01:10.480
are coming from a woman's point of
view, and obviously I don't know if

15
00:01:10.519 --> 00:01:14.400
most of your podcasts are with other
women or with other men, but this

16
00:01:14.439 --> 00:01:18.599
will be interesting. Yeah, I
hope you're ready. You're going to get

17
00:01:18.640 --> 00:01:22.439
behind the cart and view. Okay, it sounds good to me. So

18
00:01:23.000 --> 00:01:25.680
what I'd love for you to do
is share with the audience. You know,

19
00:01:25.799 --> 00:01:32.200
it's fascinating how individuals get to a
point where they start to make a

20
00:01:32.200 --> 00:01:36.040
difference on other people's lives, where
they start to share their personal experiences.

21
00:01:36.680 --> 00:01:40.799
I'd love for you to share with
the audience. How you got to this

22
00:01:40.920 --> 00:01:47.319
point? Yeah, great question.
Well it started when I was a senior

23
00:01:47.359 --> 00:01:52.079
in high school. I grew up
in a really great family. It wasn't

24
00:01:52.120 --> 00:01:55.480
a Christian family, but it was
a healthy, happy family, and my

25
00:01:55.640 --> 00:02:00.120
parents were very much in love and
I saw a good example of happy marriage.

26
00:02:00.760 --> 00:02:06.920
And then my senior year of high
school, there was an explosion.

27
00:02:07.200 --> 00:02:10.879
Everything changed and my father left our
family for another woman, and there was

28
00:02:10.919 --> 00:02:20.599
a divorce and it was shocking,
it was painful, and it really made

29
00:02:20.599 --> 00:02:25.400
a huge mess for a long time. And I think that's when my passion

30
00:02:25.719 --> 00:02:32.080
for marriage and family really started because
because of such a painful experience. Oh,

31
00:02:32.120 --> 00:02:38.680
I can imagine. And so from
there, I mean, obviously you're

32
00:02:38.759 --> 00:02:43.599
doing podcasts now and so forth.
How did this all come about and developing

33
00:02:43.639 --> 00:02:47.159
a website and those type of things. M Yeah, So I had a

34
00:02:47.159 --> 00:02:51.280
real fear about marriage, as you
can imagine, and in fact told my

35
00:02:51.360 --> 00:02:55.639
whole family, I will never get
married, right because after twenty years he

36
00:02:55.800 --> 00:03:00.680
just leaves for another woman. So
I was very few careful. However,

37
00:03:00.919 --> 00:03:06.240
I met my husband and fell in
love and we did get married. But

38
00:03:06.400 --> 00:03:10.199
I was determined that I was going
to earn my own money and take care

39
00:03:10.240 --> 00:03:16.879
of myself and never be dependent on
him. But the Lord changed that all

40
00:03:16.919 --> 00:03:23.039
around after I came to know him
four years into my marriage. At any

41
00:03:23.120 --> 00:03:29.039
rate, next month in May,
we're going to celebrate thirty years of marriage

42
00:03:29.120 --> 00:03:34.360
together. Now, wow. And
yeah, And so about three years ago.

43
00:03:34.560 --> 00:03:39.000
We have always been good at keeping
up with our marriage. We've gone

44
00:03:39.080 --> 00:03:44.560
to retreats, we've seen counselors,
I read all kinds of books on marriage

45
00:03:44.639 --> 00:03:49.240
and everything. But we had a
few bumps in our road over these,

46
00:03:49.479 --> 00:03:53.639
you know, thirty years that just
didn't seem to be getting worked out in

47
00:03:53.680 --> 00:03:58.400
a way that was you know that
that was good for me. And so

48
00:03:59.479 --> 00:04:04.439
I came across this book, The
Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle. It's a

49
00:04:04.479 --> 00:04:09.280
New York Times bestseller. I came
across that book about three years ago,

50
00:04:09.879 --> 00:04:14.680
and when I read it, it
just changed everything. I began to recognize

51
00:04:14.719 --> 00:04:18.000
these blind spots in my own life
and the way that I was showing up

52
00:04:18.040 --> 00:04:21.639
to my husband, and the way
I was reacting to him and responding to

53
00:04:21.720 --> 00:04:26.759
him, the ways that I was
trying to control him and change him in

54
00:04:26.800 --> 00:04:31.120
different things like that that I recognized
from reading the book were causing some of

55
00:04:31.160 --> 00:04:35.680
these bumps in the road. And
so after reading the book, I reached

56
00:04:35.680 --> 00:04:42.360
out for coaching, and right away
on my first coaching call, I said,

57
00:04:42.480 --> 00:04:46.959
this is what I want to do. I want to help women create

58
00:04:46.120 --> 00:04:53.639
healthy, happy, lifelong, thriving
marriages through coaching, and so I enrolled

59
00:04:54.399 --> 00:05:00.279
in the training school. Wow,
Wow, that's amazing youself. You know

60
00:05:00.439 --> 00:05:03.959
what I find interesting is you know, in your bile you talk about the

61
00:05:04.040 --> 00:05:10.480
fact that you want to help women
and rewind the relationships, you know,

62
00:05:10.560 --> 00:05:15.800
to the fund of romance, dating
with or without their husband's efforts. So

63
00:05:16.120 --> 00:05:23.279
all of a sudden, you're putting
a huge responsibility on women. And my

64
00:05:23.560 --> 00:05:31.319
question is why do you do you
find that there's in the culture that there

65
00:05:31.360 --> 00:05:36.560
happens to be a situation where that
tends to be a real challenge, or

66
00:05:36.720 --> 00:05:43.839
you find that just by creating that
type of situation for the women that they're

67
00:05:43.920 --> 00:05:48.720
able to really bring the marriage back
in where it needs to be. Yeah.

68
00:05:48.920 --> 00:05:53.360
Well, I'll tell you. Many
of the women who I talk to,

69
00:05:53.560 --> 00:05:57.199
especially initially, say why do I
have to do all the work?

70
00:05:57.720 --> 00:06:00.839
He's the problem. He's the one
who needs to change, right, And

71
00:06:00.879 --> 00:06:04.839
that's the same way that I felt. I felt like, if he would

72
00:06:04.959 --> 00:06:08.879
change this and this and this and
this and this, then we could be

73
00:06:08.959 --> 00:06:14.560
happy. Right. But here's the
problem, Doug. If I have to

74
00:06:14.680 --> 00:06:18.319
have him change in order for me
to be happy, where does that leave

75
00:06:18.360 --> 00:06:27.040
me. I'm ultimately hopeless because I
have not had success in changing him or

76
00:06:27.079 --> 00:06:31.000
anybody else in my life really,
right, the only person I've had success

77
00:06:31.040 --> 00:06:36.720
in changing is me. And so
rather than being a victim who is hopeless

78
00:06:36.759 --> 00:06:43.360
to ever be happy unless he changes, I decided to make the changes myself.

79
00:06:43.959 --> 00:06:47.800
And guess what, here's what we
all know. Women are influential,

80
00:06:48.480 --> 00:06:55.160
so influential. You've heard the saying
if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy?

81
00:06:55.439 --> 00:07:00.439
Right, right? Women impact the
temperature and the feel of the home,

82
00:07:00.959 --> 00:07:06.279
and so when I'm happy, and
I show up happy and content and

83
00:07:06.319 --> 00:07:11.720
all those things. Guess what,
the house is happy. But when I'm

84
00:07:11.800 --> 00:07:16.680
grouchy and grumpy and gripy and naggy, things aren't so good at the house.

85
00:07:17.279 --> 00:07:20.160
So when I began to make the
changes in myself, guess what.

86
00:07:21.000 --> 00:07:27.319
My husband began to respond differently toward
me, and I began to get all

87
00:07:27.399 --> 00:07:32.279
the things that I had been wanting
all along, because he loves me and

88
00:07:32.319 --> 00:07:35.759
wants to make me happy. But
I didn't know that before. I thought

89
00:07:35.800 --> 00:07:39.879
I had to coerce him. I
thought I had to nag him. I

90
00:07:39.920 --> 00:07:42.839
thought I had to instruct him.
I thought I had to criticize him and

91
00:07:42.959 --> 00:07:46.360
change him in order to get him
to do the things I wanted. But

92
00:07:46.480 --> 00:07:49.079
come to find out, all I
had to do was show up like that

93
00:07:49.319 --> 00:07:54.920
girl of fun and light that he
met thirty years ago. Well, and

94
00:07:55.000 --> 00:07:59.959
you know, I love this concept
of taking responsibility, and quite frankly,

95
00:08:00.079 --> 00:08:05.519
I believe that we all in relationships
in our lives need to take responsibility for

96
00:08:05.680 --> 00:08:09.800
what we're experiencing. I totally agree
with you, But let me ask you

97
00:08:09.920 --> 00:08:13.680
kind of a sensitive question, because
as you're talking about this, you're really

98
00:08:15.480 --> 00:08:20.759
is this a cultural issue. Do
you find among women that they tend to

99
00:08:20.920 --> 00:08:26.759
create ultimately after the dating and all
of that is over, that they tend

100
00:08:26.839 --> 00:08:35.919
to create an environment that creates some
dissension and challenges for the husband. I'm

101
00:08:35.919 --> 00:08:39.879
curious about that. Well, I
can tell you from my own experience.

102
00:08:41.080 --> 00:08:46.399
I was definitely doing that and I
didn't know it. And all the women

103
00:08:46.440 --> 00:08:50.559
that I work with, same thing. All the women who've been affected by

104
00:08:50.600 --> 00:08:54.399
this book and by this coaching and
by these skills are experiencing the same thing.

105
00:08:54.960 --> 00:09:01.240
Now, not all women want to
approach their marriage from this point of

106
00:09:01.320 --> 00:09:03.679
view. So yeah, there's a
segment of women who would say no,

107
00:09:03.840 --> 00:09:09.360
he's the one who needs to change, period. But for the women who

108
00:09:09.440 --> 00:09:18.600
are willing to investigate and experiment with
a different way, these skills really work.

109
00:09:18.720 --> 00:09:26.240
So I'm curious percentage percentage wise,
what do you find is the success

110
00:09:26.360 --> 00:09:33.360
rate of those women who make this
type of change versus well, not versus

111
00:09:33.399 --> 00:09:39.360
anything. What is the percentage of
those that find success in this because obviously

112
00:09:39.679 --> 00:09:43.120
there has to be some responsibility on
the husband also, there's there's no question

113
00:09:43.240 --> 00:09:48.799
about that. But with the changes
that you are going to suggest, you

114
00:09:48.840 --> 00:09:54.279
know, today what percentage do you
find in your experience and perhaps in talking

115
00:09:54.279 --> 00:10:00.320
to others that are following the same
system are having that type of success.

116
00:10:00.480 --> 00:10:03.320
M hm. Well, I can
tell you from my experience in coaching and

117
00:10:03.440 --> 00:10:09.799
from the twelve women who I went
through coaching training with, who were from

118
00:10:09.960 --> 00:10:18.120
everywhere from Europe to all over the
United States, everywhere in different religions,

119
00:10:18.240 --> 00:10:26.200
different socioeconomic levels, different marriages.
Right, and all of us saw change

120
00:10:26.240 --> 00:10:31.000
and results and transformation. Now,
you're absolutely right. The husband plays a

121
00:10:31.039 --> 00:10:37.559
part if he is having an affair
and he chooses to you know, continue

122
00:10:37.600 --> 00:10:45.679
on that path, or for whatever
reason, he decides not to accept these

123
00:10:45.759 --> 00:10:50.000
changes and make the marriage work.
He can do that, right, he

124
00:10:50.799 --> 00:10:54.720
can do that, and that could
happen. However, I still believe that

125
00:10:54.879 --> 00:11:01.159
these women are in a better position
after having learn these skills and practice these

126
00:11:01.159 --> 00:11:07.679
skills. They're happier as women,
and they're better prepared for if there's another

127
00:11:07.759 --> 00:11:13.559
relationship coming along after practicing these skills
than they were before. My husband says

128
00:11:13.639 --> 00:11:18.519
all the time, see, you
are so much happier, And it's true

129
00:11:18.600 --> 00:11:26.000
because though I focus on the marriage
relationship, these skills happen to help in

130
00:11:26.159 --> 00:11:30.759
all my relationships. So I've had
changes with my mom, with my brother,

131
00:11:31.360 --> 00:11:35.360
with my children, my adult children. You know, these are relationship

132
00:11:35.480 --> 00:11:39.240
skills. Oh and I love that
you say that because I think that's so

133
00:11:39.279 --> 00:11:46.279
important to realize that this is a
universal type of thing that can be applied

134
00:11:46.480 --> 00:11:48.720
in any way. And you're right. You know, if you're dealing with

135
00:11:48.759 --> 00:11:56.159
an individual that's highly narcissistic, controlling, not faithful or whatever that happens to

136
00:11:56.200 --> 00:12:01.720
be or abusive, then there's a
time. But the reality is what you're

137
00:12:01.759 --> 00:12:05.159
saying is as you go through this
process as of woman, it gives you

138
00:12:05.879 --> 00:12:11.039
a better position to truly enjoy life
and experience the relationship that you're looking for.

139
00:12:11.840 --> 00:12:16.080
Yes, and as long as a
woman wants to continue to stand for

140
00:12:16.200 --> 00:12:20.720
her marriage and try to make it
work, I am ready to stand and

141
00:12:20.759 --> 00:12:26.519
support with her because I believe in
marriage. I don't believe there's a bad

142
00:12:26.759 --> 00:12:31.039
reason to stay married. I think
that marriage and family is very important to

143
00:12:31.320 --> 00:12:37.240
our society. Oh. Absolutely,
So I'm curious how does how does a

144
00:12:37.320 --> 00:12:41.679
wife create And this is part of
you know, talking points that I want

145
00:12:41.720 --> 00:12:46.279
to talk about. How does a
wife create the playful, passionate marriage that

146
00:12:46.399 --> 00:12:52.399
she really hopes and dreams for without
her husband's involvement. Yeah, yeah,

147
00:12:52.399 --> 00:12:56.559
it sounds it sounds impossible, doesn't
it. But it's not. And the

148
00:12:56.639 --> 00:13:03.679
first step, the first step is
really to make myself happy, right,

149
00:13:03.840 --> 00:13:09.399
because miserable people don't have happy relationships. Can we agree on that? I

150
00:13:09.519 --> 00:13:13.759
totally agree. Yeah, So I
need to come to the relationship happy.

151
00:13:15.320 --> 00:13:20.320
And I know many of us as
women, we're so busy, you know,

152
00:13:20.600 --> 00:13:22.879
taking care of the home and the
husband and the kids and working and

153
00:13:24.000 --> 00:13:28.159
all the responsibilities that we have,
that we've forgotten to take care of ourselves.

154
00:13:28.799 --> 00:13:31.320
And so it's like when you're on
the airplane and you have to put

155
00:13:31.360 --> 00:13:37.799
your oxygen mask on first yourself before
you can help the others. I've got

156
00:13:37.879 --> 00:13:43.279
to make myself happy and healthy before
I can serve my family in a way

157
00:13:43.399 --> 00:13:48.039
that's that's good and healthy and right. So all that means is that I

158
00:13:48.159 --> 00:13:52.960
need to remember the things that I
enjoy in life, right, And women

159
00:13:54.679 --> 00:13:58.960
have forgotten who they are and what
they enjoy. So that might mean that

160
00:13:58.000 --> 00:14:01.200
I go out to coffee with a
friend. It might mean a hot bath,

161
00:14:01.320 --> 00:14:05.600
It might mean an exercise class.
It might mean listening to a podcast

162
00:14:05.679 --> 00:14:09.919
or reading a book. I don't
know. But whatever it is for each

163
00:14:11.039 --> 00:14:18.200
woman that she enjoys that makes her
happy, let's start incorporating those things into

164
00:14:18.279 --> 00:14:22.759
the day, like an appointment,
like a doctor's appointment or a hair appointment,

165
00:14:22.159 --> 00:14:28.399
because when you show up happy,
it's going to highly increase your possibilities

166
00:14:28.759 --> 00:14:33.559
of having a happy relationship. Well, and it's interesting, you know,

167
00:14:33.919 --> 00:14:39.159
it's so true that the energy that
we put out comes back to us and

168
00:14:39.279 --> 00:14:43.600
people feel that energy. And you're
right, I mean, you know,

169
00:14:45.000 --> 00:14:48.200
you can only be around someone who's
really happy for so long without becoming happy

170
00:14:48.279 --> 00:14:54.840
yourself. You just can't stay upset
or whatever. Or the opposite is also

171
00:14:54.039 --> 00:15:00.840
true. You can't be around somebody
who's grumpy and nagging and complaining very long

172
00:15:01.159 --> 00:15:05.639
before that rubs off on you too. So the first step that you're talking

173
00:15:05.679 --> 00:15:09.840
about is really just finding ways to
do things and make sure that you,

174
00:15:09.919 --> 00:15:15.960
as you say, make an appointment
every day to do something that really fulfills

175
00:15:16.200 --> 00:15:22.639
you individually. And women avoid this
like the plague. They skip that chapter

176
00:15:22.720 --> 00:15:26.039
in the book. They don't want
to talk with me about it and coaching.

177
00:15:26.360 --> 00:15:31.279
They think it sounds selfish, they
think it sounds silly. And yet

178
00:15:31.919 --> 00:15:39.159
it's really the starting point for everything. Well, and you know what comes

179
00:15:39.200 --> 00:15:41.720
to my mind is this question,
because you know, you hear this word

180
00:15:41.840 --> 00:15:46.320
narcissism and it exists both with men
and women. Okay, And so I

181
00:15:46.399 --> 00:15:50.440
understand what you're saying there about some
woman really worrying about that because all of

182
00:15:50.480 --> 00:15:56.080
a sudden, is it all about
me rather than serving my family in my

183
00:15:56.240 --> 00:16:03.720
relationship? And yet it's not narcissism. It's really being true to yourself.

184
00:16:03.799 --> 00:16:07.759
And that's the only time that you
can truly start to experience that genuine happiness.

185
00:16:10.240 --> 00:16:14.840
What happens, Doug when we,
as women, especially focus all of

186
00:16:14.840 --> 00:16:18.559
our attention and energy on the husband, the family, the home, is

187
00:16:18.600 --> 00:16:27.159
we become resentful, and that resentment
is the poison to a good marriage.

188
00:16:29.279 --> 00:16:33.120
But it builds up over time because
guess what, he is sitting on the

189
00:16:33.159 --> 00:16:37.639
couch watching a football game, and
I'm running around circles, doing the dishes,

190
00:16:37.720 --> 00:16:40.240
doing the laundry, giving the kids
aback, putting them to bed,

191
00:16:40.240 --> 00:16:42.759
blah blah blah blah. And pretty
soon I start looking at him going are

192
00:16:42.840 --> 00:16:48.480
you kidding me? Right? And
I'm mad and I'm stewing, and that

193
00:16:48.559 --> 00:16:55.840
affects things and so rather than that, let's make sure I take do something

194
00:16:55.840 --> 00:16:59.879
to take care of myself and make
myself happy so that that resentment doesn't take

195
00:17:00.080 --> 00:17:04.119
over and show up in all the
ugly ways. So as you've done this,

196
00:17:04.200 --> 00:17:08.480
and that's a great example. So
if your husband is sitting there watching

197
00:17:08.519 --> 00:17:12.839
football games or whatever, and you
know he's enjoying that, how do you

198
00:17:12.880 --> 00:17:18.960
get to the point where it's not
making you resentful or angry? Yeah,

199
00:17:18.079 --> 00:17:22.880
yeah, that's tricky. Well,
guess what, my husband gets to have

200
00:17:22.960 --> 00:17:27.599
his self care too. And for
my husband, that's probably watching the football

201
00:17:27.599 --> 00:17:33.039
game on television. So I started
to realize, oh, he's doing his

202
00:17:33.160 --> 00:17:37.960
self care right. That helped me
kind of flip the story in my mind

203
00:17:38.359 --> 00:17:44.039
from oh my gosh, she's so
lazy. Why isn't he helping me into

204
00:17:44.240 --> 00:17:48.079
Okay, he's doing his self care. And here's the other thing. I

205
00:17:48.200 --> 00:17:52.839
was forcing myself feeling like a martyr, like I have to do these dishes

206
00:17:52.920 --> 00:17:56.039
right now, I have to do
this laundry right now. My husband was

207
00:17:56.119 --> 00:17:59.079
patting the side of the couch,
going come here and watch your moving with

208
00:17:59.119 --> 00:18:02.720
me, and I was like,
oh, I can't because I have a

209
00:18:02.799 --> 00:18:07.559
thousand things to do. And now
instead I go, you know what,

210
00:18:07.559 --> 00:18:11.480
I've got this husband who loves me
and wants to spend time with me.

211
00:18:11.960 --> 00:18:17.279
I'm going to go do that.
I'm going to follow his lead and do

212
00:18:17.400 --> 00:18:22.039
some relaxing and guess what, the
dishes and the laundry will be there tomorrow

213
00:18:22.559 --> 00:18:27.319
and I will have a fresh batch
of energy to tackle them. And so

214
00:18:27.480 --> 00:18:33.039
right now I'm just going to appreciate
that my husband loves me. You've really

215
00:18:33.160 --> 00:18:37.920
changed your mindset about that. So
that was step number one that you talked

216
00:18:37.960 --> 00:18:41.039
about, is being able to get
in and really find time every day to

217
00:18:41.119 --> 00:18:47.480
do something that really fulfills you and
makes you happy. What are some of

218
00:18:47.480 --> 00:18:52.839
the other steps. Yeah. The
other one that's really a favorite for me

219
00:18:53.519 --> 00:19:00.119
is relinquishing inappropriate control. And that
means that I stay on my own paper.

220
00:19:00.599 --> 00:19:04.079
Remember in school when they would say
keep your eyes on your own paper,

221
00:19:04.200 --> 00:19:07.480
right, They didn't want you to
cheat off the people around you.

222
00:19:07.240 --> 00:19:12.839
My paper has all of my things
on it that I'm responsible for. It

223
00:19:12.880 --> 00:19:18.079
has all my self care and everything
like that. If I keep my paper

224
00:19:18.480 --> 00:19:23.279
really fun and beautiful and interesting,
then I stay on it. But if

225
00:19:23.319 --> 00:19:29.480
it gets really dull and boring,
then that's when I start meddling in over

226
00:19:29.599 --> 00:19:33.160
on my husband's paper, or my
kid's paper or your paper, right,

227
00:19:33.559 --> 00:19:37.720
And that means that I'm getting involved
in things that aren't mine to deal with.

228
00:19:38.319 --> 00:19:44.720
And when I do that, I
feel stress and pressure and overwhelmed because

229
00:19:44.759 --> 00:19:49.240
I'm trying to manage everybody's paper and
I don't need to do that. How

230
00:19:49.279 --> 00:19:55.759
do you manage your paper? So
it really is keeping you happy? Yeah,

231
00:19:55.799 --> 00:19:59.839
well it has the self care on
it for sure. And so in

232
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:03.799
the bad old days, I would
feel myself kind of getting into a bad

233
00:20:03.880 --> 00:20:07.160
mood and I would think, well, there it is. I'm in a

234
00:20:07.200 --> 00:20:11.000
bad mood. What's you gonna do? Right? But now that I know

235
00:20:11.079 --> 00:20:14.759
the skills, when I feel that
bad mood, when I feel that gripey

236
00:20:14.880 --> 00:20:18.880
complaining going on, I'm like,
hm, have I been taking care of

237
00:20:18.920 --> 00:20:22.880
myself? Let me go to my
self care list and see what do I

238
00:20:22.920 --> 00:20:26.680
have time to do right now?
In the next you know, five minutes

239
00:20:26.880 --> 00:20:30.079
that can shift this for me.
I go, you know what, I'm

240
00:20:30.119 --> 00:20:33.079
going to go for a walk,
you know what, I'm going to hop

241
00:20:33.079 --> 00:20:36.319
in the bathtub, you know what, I'm going to listen to my fun

242
00:20:36.480 --> 00:20:41.279
playlist of music and dance around in
the kitchen, whatever it is, whatever

243
00:20:41.359 --> 00:20:45.200
I have time for, I'm going
to do something to cut that bad mood

244
00:20:45.200 --> 00:20:49.119
off at the past and get and
get happy again. Well, and you

245
00:20:49.160 --> 00:20:53.359
know that what that reminds me of
is this concept of mindset and is I

246
00:20:53.400 --> 00:20:57.000
have had a chance to really study
that, interview so many people that we

247
00:20:57.039 --> 00:21:03.720
talk about that, and then the
general thing that comes across is that you

248
00:21:03.799 --> 00:21:10.319
take those emotions that arise, recognize
what they are for what they are,

249
00:21:11.000 --> 00:21:18.519
and then actively, consciously, mindfully
do something to move them away, recognizing

250
00:21:18.559 --> 00:21:22.279
that you know what those are,
just those emotions, and do something that

251
00:21:22.400 --> 00:21:25.640
is going to change that. And
that's exactly in my mind at least,

252
00:21:25.640 --> 00:21:30.400
what you're explaining on how to do
that. Yeah, I tell my clients

253
00:21:30.440 --> 00:21:34.000
a lot of times, drop and
give me ten. And I'm not talking

254
00:21:34.000 --> 00:21:38.519
about push ups. I'm talking about
gratitude. Right, Because if I focus

255
00:21:40.119 --> 00:21:44.640
on the things that my husband is
doing that are annoying me, because he

256
00:21:44.680 --> 00:21:48.640
does annoying things, right, he's
human just like me. Right, If

257
00:21:48.680 --> 00:21:52.960
I focus on those things, guess
what I'm going to feel annoyed. So

258
00:21:52.039 --> 00:21:56.559
I drop and give myself ten and
I write down ten wonderful things. You

259
00:21:56.599 --> 00:22:00.319
know what. My husband goes to
work every single day and he supports our

260
00:22:00.400 --> 00:22:04.599
family, thank you. You know
what. He mows the lawn, he

261
00:22:04.640 --> 00:22:08.920
takes out the trash. He takes
my son to baseball practice every day,

262
00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:14.039
which I don't want to do.
There is a lot to be thankful for.

263
00:22:14.599 --> 00:22:18.240
So I can shift my focus from
what he's not doing, or what

264
00:22:18.279 --> 00:22:22.200
he's doing that's annoying me, to
all the things that he is doing that

265
00:22:22.319 --> 00:22:26.200
I love about him, that I
would have to do if he wasn't around.

266
00:22:26.799 --> 00:22:30.599
So even the simplest things, I
can turn my mind to gratitude.

267
00:22:30.640 --> 00:22:36.279
Well, so you've got mindfulness and
gratitude, and I think that is so

268
00:22:36.480 --> 00:22:41.400
important, the gratitude. So what
else, Yeah, let me give you

269
00:22:41.599 --> 00:22:45.319
a fun example of something I used
to do in the bad old days.

270
00:22:45.359 --> 00:22:52.119
So we drive my car on the
weekends when we have family activities and church

271
00:22:52.200 --> 00:22:56.200
and all those things, and so
my car would get dirty, right because

272
00:22:56.240 --> 00:23:00.319
the kids are leaving their wrappers and
their water bottles, and my husband's leaving

273
00:23:00.400 --> 00:23:04.000
his drinks and whatever, and so
on Sunday on the way home from church.

274
00:23:04.519 --> 00:23:10.680
I used to give this wonderful speech. It was really more of a

275
00:23:10.720 --> 00:23:14.799
motivational talk, right, that went
something like this, you guys need to

276
00:23:14.839 --> 00:23:18.640
get your crap out of my car. I'm sick of cleaning up after you

277
00:23:18.160 --> 00:23:21.400
take in your trash. No no, no, no dah. Right,

278
00:23:22.319 --> 00:23:26.200
And the whole family would just zip
up and run away. Right. They

279
00:23:26.240 --> 00:23:30.319
weren't motivated. You know what they
said to themselves, Oh my goodness,

280
00:23:30.400 --> 00:23:34.920
let's get as far from mom as
we can because she's in a mood right

281
00:23:36.559 --> 00:23:41.359
right. And So what I learned
through the skills is that I could express

282
00:23:41.440 --> 00:23:47.119
my desires in a way that inspires
rather than complaining. So I didn't realize

283
00:23:47.240 --> 00:23:51.680
that was all just a bunch of
complaints. And nobody listens when we complain,

284
00:23:51.799 --> 00:23:56.359
and nobody wants to be around somebody
who's complaining. So I learned to

285
00:23:56.480 --> 00:24:00.519
say, very simply, I would
love to have a clean car. And

286
00:24:00.559 --> 00:24:03.960
you know what my husband said the
very first time I said it. He

287
00:24:03.000 --> 00:24:06.519
goes, oh, I'll take it
and get it cleaned. I go,

288
00:24:07.079 --> 00:24:11.000
really, yeah. So he takes
it down to the car wash and has

289
00:24:11.000 --> 00:24:15.960
it cleaned. Well, guess what
I messed up again when he got home.

290
00:24:15.400 --> 00:24:19.160
He got home and I walked out
there and I opened up the door,

291
00:24:19.200 --> 00:24:22.799
and I was like, oh,
and I started picking the little pieces

292
00:24:22.839 --> 00:24:27.079
of lint out of the carpet that
the people had missed. I look up

293
00:24:27.079 --> 00:24:33.720
at my husband and he's got this
like look on his face of defeat.

294
00:24:33.680 --> 00:24:40.519
And I realized that I think I'm
criticizing the people who cleaned the car,

295
00:24:41.359 --> 00:24:47.240
but my husband feels like he's being
criticized here. I've gone and done this

296
00:24:47.400 --> 00:24:51.880
nice thing for her, and she
can't even be happy about it. She's

297
00:24:51.920 --> 00:24:56.519
gonna nitpick the little pieces that they
missed. And I realized, and I

298
00:24:56.559 --> 00:24:57.519
said, you know what. I
closed the door. I said, I'm

299
00:24:57.559 --> 00:25:02.839
so sorry. I said, thank
you so much for doing that. What

300
00:25:03.000 --> 00:25:07.559
a blessing. You're such a wonderful
husband. Thank you. And I changed

301
00:25:07.599 --> 00:25:11.799
my tune because I realized I was
falling into that complaining again, and my

302
00:25:11.920 --> 00:25:15.519
husband had done something sweet, so
I wanted to appreciate him for it.

303
00:25:17.200 --> 00:25:21.640
Oh, that's wonderful. So so
I'm curious because I know that also one

304
00:25:21.640 --> 00:25:26.759
of the things you talk about are
the six intimacy skills. So first of

305
00:25:26.759 --> 00:25:30.759
all, I'd like you to define
intimacy because I think people define it in

306
00:25:30.799 --> 00:25:33.559
different ways, and I want to
make sure that you understand what we're really

307
00:25:33.599 --> 00:25:37.559
talking about. And then what are
those six intimacy skills that can be developed.

308
00:25:38.200 --> 00:25:44.039
Mm, Well, when we talk
about intimacy, we're talking about that

309
00:25:44.200 --> 00:25:48.759
connection and that relationship that you only
have with your spouse. So it can

310
00:25:48.920 --> 00:25:56.160
mean sex and physical intimacy, but
it also means those conversations and that affection

311
00:25:56.880 --> 00:26:00.480
and like I said, the connection
that you only have with your spouse.

312
00:26:00.519 --> 00:26:07.359
So we want to increase that connection. Women want to feel cherished and adored

313
00:26:07.440 --> 00:26:14.039
and taken care of and desired,
and so that's all part of what we're

314
00:26:14.160 --> 00:26:18.519
working to create, and that happens
through the intimacy skills, which, like

315
00:26:18.599 --> 00:26:22.279
I said, we're going to start
with self care. Another one that I

316
00:26:22.400 --> 00:26:27.319
mentioned is relinquishing inappropriate control. And
another one that we work on is respect.

317
00:26:29.279 --> 00:26:33.640
Because I would have told you that
I was a respectful wife, and

318
00:26:33.759 --> 00:26:38.880
I would have told you that I
respected my husband, but I needed to

319
00:26:40.039 --> 00:26:44.160
learn what respect looked like to a
man. I've never been a man,

320
00:26:44.279 --> 00:26:48.680
I've never experienced that before. I
had to learn that. And so I

321
00:26:48.839 --> 00:26:55.160
realized that criticizing and complaining like the
example I just gave, felt disrespectful to

322
00:26:55.279 --> 00:27:00.759
my husband and so I had to
clean that up. I learn to clean

323
00:27:00.839 --> 00:27:04.319
that up through apologies, Doug.
If I'm being honest, I don't think

324
00:27:04.359 --> 00:27:15.119
I apologized for the first twenty five
years of our marriage. So as you

325
00:27:15.200 --> 00:27:18.079
talk about, you know, respect
for a man, what are some of

326
00:27:18.079 --> 00:27:22.680
the other things you have discovered besides
criticism, What are some of the other

327
00:27:22.759 --> 00:27:30.200
things that you find are important to
that husband that might start feeling disrespected?

328
00:27:30.240 --> 00:27:33.599
What are some of the other things
that can happen well? When I tell

329
00:27:33.640 --> 00:27:38.839
my husband how to drive or where
to turn or which parking place to take,

330
00:27:41.200 --> 00:27:45.720
that comes across disrespectful. Right.
The message is I don't think you're

331
00:27:45.759 --> 00:27:49.559
capable. I don't think you're smart
enough to get us there, right.

332
00:27:51.079 --> 00:27:55.119
So I learned that that's disrespectful.
When I tell him how to dress,

333
00:27:55.799 --> 00:28:00.240
that's disrespectful. He's a grown man. He got dressed long before he at

334
00:28:00.240 --> 00:28:04.160
me, right, And I tell
him how to do things or how I

335
00:28:04.200 --> 00:28:07.720
would do things. No, no, no, don't load the dishwasher like

336
00:28:07.799 --> 00:28:14.160
that. It works better if you
do it like this. That's disrespectful.

337
00:28:14.680 --> 00:28:18.839
He's a grown man again, he's
smart and he's capable, and I need

338
00:28:18.880 --> 00:28:22.160
to treat him that way. So
I don't correct him anymore. I don't

339
00:28:22.200 --> 00:28:26.799
give helpful advice. My husband runs
a roofing business, and I'll tell you

340
00:28:26.839 --> 00:28:30.759
what. Before I learned the skills, you would have thought I was a

341
00:28:30.839 --> 00:28:36.440
roofing expert of the world. And
the truth is, I have no experience

342
00:28:37.200 --> 00:28:40.880
running a roofing business, and my
husband does an awesome job at it.

343
00:28:41.279 --> 00:28:45.240
So I've stopped advising him about his
work. When he tells me his work,

344
00:28:45.759 --> 00:28:49.400
I say, wow, that sounds
really tricky. I know you'll do

345
00:28:49.480 --> 00:28:59.640
the right thing you always do.
I'm curious how much does support fit into

346
00:28:59.640 --> 00:29:03.440
one of the intimacy skills being willing
to support you know your husband comes and

347
00:29:03.440 --> 00:29:07.240
says, hey, this is something
I really feel I'm going to do,

348
00:29:07.759 --> 00:29:11.759
and you're initially going no, no, no, no, no no,

349
00:29:11.480 --> 00:29:17.880
I don't want you to do that. How important is support from that perspective?

350
00:29:18.000 --> 00:29:25.480
Yeah, I think, and please
don't misunderstand. I share my opinion.

351
00:29:25.599 --> 00:29:30.039
My husband values my opinion. He
wants to know how I think and

352
00:29:30.079 --> 00:29:34.559
feel about certain things. We certainly
bring both bring something really valuable to the

353
00:29:34.640 --> 00:29:40.960
table, and he is wonderful about
bringing that out in me. I just

354
00:29:41.160 --> 00:29:45.559
know now that I don't have to
have an opinion about every single thing,

355
00:29:45.839 --> 00:29:49.200
which I used to think I did. I thought I had to say it

356
00:29:49.240 --> 00:29:55.599
too. So I spend a lot
more time listening now and being quiet than

357
00:29:55.640 --> 00:29:57.839
I used to in the battle days, where I had an opinion about everything.

358
00:30:00.079 --> 00:30:06.720
O. My husband is allowed to
dream out loud, whether it's realistic

359
00:30:07.000 --> 00:30:10.000
or not. And my husband is
a dreamer, and he tells me lots

360
00:30:10.079 --> 00:30:14.319
of things, and I don't have
to take every one of them as if

361
00:30:14.480 --> 00:30:18.160
they're in motion. Starting tomorrow,
I can just listen and say, I

362
00:30:18.200 --> 00:30:22.799
hear you well. And you know
it's interesting. When I had my dental

363
00:30:22.839 --> 00:30:26.480
practice, I warned my I warned
my employees right off the bat. I

364
00:30:26.480 --> 00:30:32.200
said, look, I think out
loud, and so when I say something,

365
00:30:32.319 --> 00:30:34.519
please don't take that is this is
what's going to happen. I'm just

366
00:30:34.559 --> 00:30:38.319
thinking out loud. That's just how
I tend to think. And they finally

367
00:30:38.319 --> 00:30:41.279
figured that out and it made all
the difference. But what I hear you

368
00:30:41.359 --> 00:30:48.680
saying is how important communication really is, and I'm not sure people really understand

369
00:30:48.240 --> 00:30:56.079
the real value and the true way
in which we need to communicate. Any

370
00:30:56.400 --> 00:31:00.599
thoughts on communication and how you have
found with your has been the best way

371
00:31:00.640 --> 00:31:06.319
for communication to actually work on both
sides. Yeah, you know, I

372
00:31:06.359 --> 00:31:11.160
was a communications major in college,
and everybody wants to talk about communication when

373
00:31:11.200 --> 00:31:17.039
it comes to marriage and relationships.
But what I've been learning over the past

374
00:31:17.119 --> 00:31:21.720
years is that it's different than what
I thought it was. I thought when

375
00:31:21.799 --> 00:31:26.480
we talked about communication, more is
better, more and more and more say

376
00:31:26.640 --> 00:31:30.640
everything, share everything. And what
I'm finding out now is no, that's

377
00:31:30.720 --> 00:31:36.240
not true. For me. Less
is more, and so like I said

378
00:31:36.279 --> 00:31:41.480
before, I offer less advice and
less. I don't have to say everything

379
00:31:41.519 --> 00:31:45.880
that's on my mind. Sometimes when
my husband gets on my nerves, I

380
00:31:45.960 --> 00:31:51.079
can share that with a girlfriend instead
of telling him everything, and I can

381
00:31:51.160 --> 00:31:55.160
just vent to her and not bring
it up to him. And maybe I

382
00:31:55.279 --> 00:32:00.200
just changed the way I think about
what happened. I don't have to say

383
00:32:00.240 --> 00:32:04.119
everything that comes to my mind because
some of the things that I think would

384
00:32:04.160 --> 00:32:08.759
be hurtful to him, and I'm
just not willing to sacrifice my intimacy like

385
00:32:08.799 --> 00:32:14.599
that by sharing something with him that's
not really that big of a deal.

386
00:32:14.920 --> 00:32:21.799
I'd rather preserve my intimacy and let
go of trying to control everything like I

387
00:32:21.920 --> 00:32:25.240
used to. So have you found. Sometimes he will do something that really

388
00:32:25.279 --> 00:32:30.359
triggers you, and all of a
sudden, those emotions that are within you

389
00:32:30.440 --> 00:32:35.920
that you'd even realize that they're just
suddenly rise. How do you communicate that

390
00:32:36.319 --> 00:32:38.359
to him? Or do you just
always talk to a girlfriend about it,

391
00:32:38.440 --> 00:32:43.000
or do you actually communicate that in
a way that says, you know what,

392
00:32:43.480 --> 00:32:46.480
I'm taking responsibility for this, But
the reality is, when you do

393
00:32:46.559 --> 00:32:51.759
this, it is triggering emotions in
me that I've not yet figured how to

394
00:32:51.799 --> 00:32:54.960
handle. Can you help me with
that? That's good? That's good.

395
00:32:55.079 --> 00:33:00.880
Yeah, well I will tell you
that I don't practice these skills perfectly,

396
00:33:00.359 --> 00:33:05.000
right. I'm just a mere mortal
woman. I'm just a human. So,

397
00:33:05.559 --> 00:33:07.480
yeah, there are times when I
go back to the old ways and

398
00:33:08.079 --> 00:33:12.640
blow the whole thing. But now
I know how to clean it up.

399
00:33:13.200 --> 00:33:16.640
Now, I know how to apologize, and I'm comfortable taking accountability for what

400
00:33:16.720 --> 00:33:21.759
I've done, and so I can
say, I'm really sorry that was disrespectful

401
00:33:21.759 --> 00:33:27.000
the way that I spoke to you. Will you forgive me? Yeah?

402
00:33:27.079 --> 00:33:29.920
Okay, So we've talked I think
about two, maybe three of those six

403
00:33:30.039 --> 00:33:34.759
intimacy skills. What are the other
ones? You want me to share all

404
00:33:34.839 --> 00:33:37.440
my secrets, doctor g I do. That's pardon why I have you on

405
00:33:37.480 --> 00:33:44.359
the podcast, because I guarantee you
sharing them with the audience is only going

406
00:33:44.440 --> 00:33:47.720
to inspire them to want to reach
out to you more. Another one of

407
00:33:47.720 --> 00:33:52.000
the skills that I love that I
never thought about before I got involved in

408
00:33:52.039 --> 00:34:00.480
this work is receiving graciously. And
that means I receive help, I receive

409
00:34:00.680 --> 00:34:08.320
compliments, and I receive apologies,
compliments, health apologies, and so that

410
00:34:08.480 --> 00:34:14.000
means that when I'm you know,
carrying the heavy box and my husband says,

411
00:34:14.079 --> 00:34:16.000
let me do that. In the
battle days, I would have said,

412
00:34:16.039 --> 00:34:19.119
no, no, I got it
right, because I want to be

413
00:34:19.199 --> 00:34:22.639
strong and capable. Now, I
say thank you so much and I give

414
00:34:22.679 --> 00:34:28.800
it to him. I receive compliments
so from anybody and everybody. When somebody

415
00:34:28.840 --> 00:34:31.519
says I love your dress, I
no longer say oh, I got it

416
00:34:31.519 --> 00:34:37.400
on sale for fifteen dollars at Target. I say thank you. Right.

417
00:34:37.800 --> 00:34:40.800
When my husband buys me a gift, and maybe it's not my favorite,

418
00:34:42.679 --> 00:34:46.400
I use my manners my mom taught
me growing up, and I say thank

419
00:34:46.440 --> 00:34:52.119
you right. In the battle days, I would say, oof, why

420
00:34:52.119 --> 00:34:53.599
do you buy this? I don't
like this, Can I take it back?

421
00:34:53.719 --> 00:34:58.400
Or something like that that I would
never say to one of my girlfriends

422
00:34:59.159 --> 00:35:04.320
because I wouldn't want to their feelings. But because I thought communication in this

423
00:35:04.519 --> 00:35:07.480
marriage meant that I could say anything, I would say those things that just

424
00:35:07.559 --> 00:35:12.519
weren't really kind. Now I say
thank you, and I receive gifts,

425
00:35:12.719 --> 00:35:17.159
compliments and help perfect and I'm going
to ask you for the next one.

426
00:35:19.199 --> 00:35:23.239
Expressing gratitude we talked about. Yeah, so I don't just make a gratitude

427
00:35:23.280 --> 00:35:29.000
list, which is helpful for my
mindset, but I express the gratitude out

428
00:35:29.039 --> 00:35:32.360
loud. I think that I used
to be stingy with my gratitude. Maybe

429
00:35:32.400 --> 00:35:37.280
I thought if I gave him too
much, he wouldn't do as much.

430
00:35:37.360 --> 00:35:40.320
I don't know what was happening in
my mind, but now I'm thankful for

431
00:35:40.400 --> 00:35:44.599
everything he does. Thank you for
helping me bring in the groceries, you

432
00:35:44.639 --> 00:35:47.679
know, thank you for taking Evan
to baseball practice. I thank him for

433
00:35:47.760 --> 00:35:54.079
everything like I would, you know, anybody anybody else in my life.

434
00:35:54.280 --> 00:36:02.239
And the last skill is vulnerability,
which is really an interesting and deep well.

435
00:36:04.360 --> 00:36:09.159
Vulnerability means that instead of showing up
with my anger, which is really

436
00:36:09.199 --> 00:36:15.239
easy because it's right on top and
it's the easiest one to express. I

437
00:36:15.480 --> 00:36:21.199
dig a little bit deeper and find
out what's the hurt that's underneath the anger,

438
00:36:21.920 --> 00:36:28.079
and can I instead express that?
Because my husband responds better to me

439
00:36:29.239 --> 00:36:32.000
in vulnerability than he does in anger. Right, if I spout off in

440
00:36:32.119 --> 00:36:37.280
anger, he's going to come back
with anger because we do mirror each other.

441
00:36:37.519 --> 00:36:42.639
But if I show up with vulnerability, I think so many times it

442
00:36:42.719 --> 00:36:47.920
kind of inspires that hero gene that's
within every man, that he wants to

443
00:36:47.960 --> 00:36:54.599
take care of his wife and make
her happy. And so sadly, in

444
00:36:54.639 --> 00:37:00.639
the battle days, I didn't seem
pleasable. Right, he went and got

445
00:37:00.639 --> 00:37:02.960
the car washed, but I still
wasn't happy because it wasn't good enough.

446
00:37:04.639 --> 00:37:08.679
So now I strive to be pleasable
instead. So he feels successful as a

447
00:37:08.800 --> 00:37:14.519
husband, and that's what he wants. Right. If you don't feel successful

448
00:37:14.519 --> 00:37:17.559
as a husband, he feels like
a failure. Well, as you started

449
00:37:17.599 --> 00:37:23.599
doing this, what changes did you
start to observe in your husband as you

450
00:37:23.800 --> 00:37:29.039
as you started to make these changes
and apply you know all the skills that

451
00:37:29.239 --> 00:37:31.920
you have been taught and that you
teach others. Now what changes did you

452
00:37:32.000 --> 00:37:37.960
absolutely observe in your husband. Well, like I said, I think that

453
00:37:37.039 --> 00:37:40.920
we mirror each other and that goes
in all relationships. Like we were talking

454
00:37:40.920 --> 00:37:45.079
about before, if I show up
happy, you respond happy to me.

455
00:37:45.159 --> 00:37:49.760
If I show up complaining, you
may start complaining with me, or you're

456
00:37:49.800 --> 00:37:52.639
just not going to enjoy my company. So when I started to show up

457
00:37:52.679 --> 00:37:57.800
with gratitude and saying thank you all
the time, guess what, my whole

458
00:37:57.800 --> 00:38:02.599
family started expressing more gratitude. It
was like it was contagious. So they

459
00:38:02.679 --> 00:38:07.920
all started responding, thanks for cooking
dinner, mom, thanks for doing my

460
00:38:07.000 --> 00:38:10.719
laundry, you know, different things
like that, including my husband. When

461
00:38:10.760 --> 00:38:15.599
I started being thankful for the things
that he did, guess what, he

462
00:38:15.679 --> 00:38:20.159
wanted to do more things for me
to make me happy because he could see

463
00:38:20.159 --> 00:38:23.719
that I was pleasable. When I
started showing up happy because I had done

464
00:38:23.719 --> 00:38:29.840
my self care, he was happy
too, and he wanted to do more

465
00:38:30.320 --> 00:38:34.079
to make me even happier. He
wanted to pile on. It was amazing.

466
00:38:34.599 --> 00:38:37.880
When I started receiving compliments, well, he started giving more. It's

467
00:38:37.880 --> 00:38:43.639
like all the things that I wanted
started coming toward me like a magnet.

468
00:38:43.719 --> 00:38:49.519
I was attracting them. I started
attracting more affection and more intimacy physical and

469
00:38:49.599 --> 00:38:54.440
otherwise from him through these skills.
When I started showing up respectful to him,

470
00:38:54.960 --> 00:39:00.480
he started just adoring me more.
He started when I stop trying to

471
00:39:00.559 --> 00:39:06.800
control him and control all the details
of our lives. Guess what, he

472
00:39:07.000 --> 00:39:09.440
started planning the vacations. I don't
have to plan them anymore. He puts

473
00:39:09.480 --> 00:39:14.559
them all together and I just go
on them and enjoy. It's beautiful.

474
00:39:15.880 --> 00:39:20.199
Oh, that's wonderful. So let
me ask you, how does the audience,

475
00:39:20.480 --> 00:39:22.760
if this is wrong truth for some
of them, how do they find

476
00:39:22.840 --> 00:39:29.079
you and hopefully seek your help?
Yeah? Well, I have a website

477
00:39:29.280 --> 00:39:34.280
it's called Relationships with a Map dot
org, and they can find me under

478
00:39:34.320 --> 00:39:38.480
that on Facebook and Instagram. Also
I love to do I do four week

479
00:39:38.760 --> 00:39:45.119
workshops online that happen on Zoom Live
once a week for four weeks, and

480
00:39:45.159 --> 00:39:50.599
I teach all six intimacy skills,
and I give homework each night where they

481
00:39:50.639 --> 00:39:54.440
can start practicing and experimenting with these
skills and start to see the changes right

482
00:39:54.480 --> 00:39:59.840
away on that first night. Well, and I think it's just so important.

483
00:40:00.039 --> 00:40:04.119
This is something that I've learned we
all need coaches. We need someone

484
00:40:04.320 --> 00:40:07.320
outside that can be there to guide
us, to help us, because this

485
00:40:07.440 --> 00:40:13.760
is not easy to do on our
own necessarily and has taught us these things,

486
00:40:13.840 --> 00:40:17.920
right? Have you ever had a
class on relationships? Not? Really?

487
00:40:19.840 --> 00:40:22.960
Wouldn't that be amazing if you were
to do that with the younger people

488
00:40:22.079 --> 00:40:28.119
so that when they got married it
actually was a better situation. Yes.

489
00:40:28.800 --> 00:40:31.079
Yes, I can think of a
lot of classes I took in high school

490
00:40:31.480 --> 00:40:37.719
that I would have been better off
with the relationship class instead of Amen.

491
00:40:37.920 --> 00:40:42.760
So let me ask you a question
as we close, as you consider,

492
00:40:43.000 --> 00:40:45.920
what is the main message that you
would love to leave with the audience?

493
00:40:46.400 --> 00:40:52.280
What would that be? I would
say, ladies, you have a wonderful

494
00:40:52.360 --> 00:40:57.519
husband, and I know that you
do because you picked him right. And

495
00:40:57.719 --> 00:41:00.440
all the reasons that you fell in
love with him and picked him are still

496
00:41:00.480 --> 00:41:07.440
there, They've just gotten buried underneath
life, right, the responsibilities of life.

497
00:41:07.480 --> 00:41:10.559
And so I want to help you
to show up in a new way

498
00:41:12.119 --> 00:41:15.159
that are going to revive all of
those great qualities that you saw in him

499
00:41:15.159 --> 00:41:21.320
to begin with. There is hope
for you to have a thriving marriage,

500
00:41:21.400 --> 00:41:25.559
and I want to support you in
that wonderful Christy, this has just been

501
00:41:25.719 --> 00:41:30.119
really fascinating to me because it just
goes against all this culture that, you

502
00:41:30.159 --> 00:41:34.960
know, the man's the one that
has to be responsible for all of this,

503
00:41:35.199 --> 00:41:38.440
and I love how you've taken that
responsibility. But I love also the

504
00:41:38.519 --> 00:41:44.960
fact that as you change, you
bring about a change in your husband to

505
00:41:45.000 --> 00:41:50.440
where you have both changed, but
you took the responsibility at first to do

506
00:41:50.519 --> 00:41:54.559
that. Thank you, Thank you. I'm so glad to hear it,

507
00:41:54.679 --> 00:41:59.920
especially from a man perspective. Right. My husband will tell you that coaching

508
00:42:00.119 --> 00:42:02.400
is the best money we've ever spent. Oh, I believe it. I

509
00:42:02.400 --> 00:42:06.760
believe it. So anyway, thanks
so much for being on the show.

510
00:42:06.840 --> 00:42:10.239
I really appreciate it. And folks, I hope, I hope you've taken

511
00:42:10.280 --> 00:42:14.679
some hints out of this, and
you know, for the men that are

512
00:42:14.719 --> 00:42:19.760
listening, you know you could do
the same thing, so you know,

513
00:42:19.960 --> 00:42:23.119
take these hints and recognize that you
can develop these relationships. Both men and

514
00:42:23.159 --> 00:42:28.239
women can take that responsibility to do
that, and as they do, I

515
00:42:28.280 --> 00:42:32.840
think we're going to see a much
healthier, happier society in general. So

516
00:42:32.960 --> 00:42:37.119
Christy, thanks so much for being
on the show, really appreciate it.

517
00:42:37.679 --> 00:42:40.199
Thank you for having me, oh
you bet folks. Thanks for listening.

518
00:42:40.239 --> 00:42:42.559
Hope you'll join us again soon.