Women, You Can Steer Your Relationship Back on Course

0:01 This program is designed to provide general information with regards to the subject matters covered. This information is given with the understanding that neither the hosts, guests, sponsors, or station are engaged in rendering any specific and personal medical, financial, legal counseling, professional service, or any advice. You should seek the services of competent professionals before applying or trying any suggested ideas. At the end of the day, it's not about what you have or even what you've accomplished. It's about what you've done with those accomplishments. It's about who you've lifted up, who you've made better. It's about what you've given back Thanzel Washington, Welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you to do the same. Christy, welcome to the show. How are you? Thank you? I'm really good. I'm excited to have you on the show. Like I would say to you just a little bit earlier, this is going to be an interesting one because here we are coming from a woman's point of view, and obviously I don't know if most of your podcasts are with other women or with other men, but this will be interesting. Yeah, I hope you're ready. You're going to get behind the cart and view. Okay, it sounds good to me. So what I'd love for you to do is share with the audience. You know, it's fascinating how individuals get to a point where they start to make a

1:32 difference on other people's lives, where they start to share their personal experiences. I'd love for you to share with the audience. How you got to this point? Yeah, great question. Well it started when I was a senior in high school. I grew up in a really great family. It wasn't a Christian family, but it was a healthy, happy family, and my parents were very much in love and I saw a good example of happy marriage. And then my senior year of high school, there was an explosion. Everything changed and my father left our family for another woman, and there was a divorce and it was shocking, it was painful, and it really made a huge mess for a long time. And I think that's when my passion for marriage and family really started because because of such a painful experience. Oh, I can imagine. And so from there, I mean, obviously you're doing podcasts now and so forth. How did this all come about and developing a website and those type of things. M Yeah, So I had a real fear about marriage, as you can imagine, and in fact told my whole family, I will never get married, right because after twenty years he just leaves for another woman. So I was very few careful. However, I met my husband and fell in love and we did get married. But

3:06 I was determined that I was going to earn my own money and take care of myself and never be dependent on him. But the Lord changed that all around after I came to know him four years into my marriage. At any rate, next month in May, we're going to celebrate thirty years of marriage together. Now, wow. And yeah, And so about three years ago. We have always been good at keeping up with our marriage. We've gone to retreats, we've seen counselors, I read all kinds of books on marriage and everything. But we had a few bumps in our road over these, you know, thirty years that just didn't seem to be getting worked out in a way that was you know that that was good for me. And so I came across this book, The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle. It's a New York Times bestseller. I came across that book about three years ago, and when I read it, it just changed everything. I began to recognize these blind spots in my own life and the way that I was showing up to my husband, and the way I was reacting to him and responding to him, the ways that I was trying to control him and change him in different things like that that I recognized from reading the book were causing some of these bumps in the road. And so after reading the book, I reached out for coaching, and right away on my first coaching call, I said,

4:42 this is what I want to do. I want to help women create healthy, happy, lifelong, thriving marriages through coaching, and so I enrolled in the training school. Wow, Wow, that's amazing youself. You know what I find interesting is you know, in your bile you talk about the fact that you want to help women and rewind the relationships, you know, to the fund of romance, dating with or without their husband's efforts. So all of a sudden, you're putting a huge responsibility on women. And my question is why do you do you find that there's in the culture that there happens to be a situation where that tends to be a real challenge, or you find that just by creating that type of situation for the women that they're able to really bring the marriage back in where it needs to be. Yeah.

5:48 Well, I'll tell you. Many of the women who I talk to, especially initially, say why do I have to do all the work? He's the problem. He's the one who needs to change, right, And that's the same way that I felt. I felt like, if he would change this and this and this and this and this, then we could be happy. Right. But here's the problem, Doug. If I have to have him change in order for me to be happy, where does that leave me. I'm ultimately hopeless because I have not had success in changing him or anybody else in my life really, right, the only person I've had success in changing is me. And so rather than being a victim who is hopeless to ever be happy unless he changes, I decided to make the changes myself.

6:43 And guess what, here's what we all know. Women are influential, so influential. You've heard the saying if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy? Right, right? Women impact the temperature and the feel of the home, and so when I'm happy, and I show up happy and content and all those things. Guess what, the house is happy. But when I'm grouchy and grumpy and gripy and naggy, things aren't so good at the house. So when I began to make the changes in myself, guess what. My husband began to respond differently toward me, and I began to get all the things that I had been wanting all along, because he loves me and wants to make me happy. But I didn't know that before. I thought I had to coerce him. I thought I had to nag him. I thought I had to instruct him. I thought I had to criticize him and change him in order to get him to do the things I wanted. But come to find out, all I had to do was show up like that girl of fun and light that he met thirty years ago. Well, and you know, I love this concept of taking responsibility, and quite frankly, I believe that we all in relationships in our lives need to take responsibility for what we're experiencing. I totally agree with you, But let me ask you kind of a sensitive question, because as you're talking about this, you're really

8:15 is this a cultural issue. Do you find among women that they tend to create ultimately after the dating and all of that is over, that they tend to create an environment that creates some dissension and challenges for the husband. I'm curious about that. Well, I can tell you from my own experience. I was definitely doing that and I didn't know it. And all the women that I work with, same thing. All the women who've been affected by this book and by this coaching and by these skills are experiencing the same thing. Now, not all women want to approach their marriage from this point of view. So yeah, there's a segment of women who would say no, he's the one who needs to change, period. But for the women who are willing to investigate and experiment with a different way, these skills really work.

9:18 So I'm curious percentage percentage wise, what do you find is the success rate of those women who make this type of change versus well, not versus anything. What is the percentage of those that find success in this because obviously there has to be some responsibility on the husband also, there's there's no question about that. But with the changes that you are going to suggest, you know, today what percentage do you find in your experience and perhaps in talking to others that are following the same system are having that type of success.

10:00 M hm. Well, I can tell you from my experience in coaching and from the twelve women who I went through coaching training with, who were from everywhere from Europe to all over the United States, everywhere in different religions, different socioeconomic levels, different marriages. Right, and all of us saw change and results and transformation. Now, you're absolutely right. The husband plays a part if he is having an affair and he chooses to you know, continue on that path, or for whatever reason, he decides not to accept these changes and make the marriage work. He can do that, right, he can do that, and that could happen. However, I still believe that these women are in a better position after having learn these skills and practice these skills. They're happier as women, and they're better prepared for if there's another relationship coming along after practicing these skills than they were before. My husband says all the time, see, you are so much happier, And it's true because though I focus on the marriage relationship, these skills happen to help in all my relationships. So I've had changes with my mom, with my brother,

11:31 with my children, my adult children. You know, these are relationship skills. Oh and I love that you say that because I think that's so important to realize that this is a universal type of thing that can be applied in any way. And you're right. You know, if you're dealing with an individual that's highly narcissistic, controlling, not faithful or whatever that happens to be or abusive, then there's a time. But the reality is what you're saying is as you go through this process as of woman, it gives you a better position to truly enjoy life and experience the relationship that you're looking for.

12:11 Yes, and as long as a woman wants to continue to stand for her marriage and try to make it work, I am ready to stand and support with her because I believe in marriage. I don't believe there's a bad reason to stay married. I think that marriage and family is very important to our society. Oh. Absolutely, So I'm curious how does how does a wife create And this is part of you know, talking points that I want to talk about. How does a wife create the playful, passionate marriage that she really hopes and dreams for without her husband's involvement. Yeah, yeah, it sounds it sounds impossible, doesn't it. But it's not. And the first step, the first step is really to make myself happy, right, because miserable people don't have happy relationships. Can we agree on that? I totally agree. Yeah, So I need to come to the relationship happy.

13:15 And I know many of us as women, we're so busy, you know, taking care of the home and the husband and the kids and working and all the responsibilities that we have, that we've forgotten to take care of ourselves. And so it's like when you're on the airplane and you have to put your oxygen mask on first yourself before you can help the others. I've got to make myself happy and healthy before I can serve my family in a way that's that's good and healthy and right. So all that means is that I need to remember the things that I enjoy in life, right, And women have forgotten who they are and what they enjoy. So that might mean that I go out to coffee with a friend. It might mean a hot bath, It might mean an exercise class. It might mean listening to a podcast or reading a book. I don't know. But whatever it is for each woman that she enjoys that makes her happy, let's start incorporating those things into the day, like an appointment, like a doctor's appointment or a hair appointment, because when you show up happy, it's going to highly increase your possibilities of having a happy relationship. Well, and it's interesting, you know, it's so true that the energy that we put out comes back to us and people feel that energy. And you're right, I mean, you know, you can only be around someone who's really happy for so long without becoming happy

14:48 yourself. You just can't stay upset or whatever. Or the opposite is also true. You can't be around somebody who's grumpy and nagging and complaining very long before that rubs off on you too. So the first step that you're talking about is really just finding ways to do things and make sure that you, as you say, make an appointment every day to do something that really fulfills you individually. And women avoid this like the plague. They skip that chapter in the book. They don't want to talk with me about it and coaching. They think it sounds selfish, they think it sounds silly. And yet it's really the starting point for everything. Well, and you know what comes to my mind is this question, because you know, you hear this word narcissism and it exists both with men and women. Okay, And so I understand what you're saying there about some woman really worrying about that because all of a sudden, is it all about me rather than serving my family in my relationship? And yet it's not narcissism. It's really being true to yourself.

16:03 And that's the only time that you can truly start to experience that genuine happiness. What happens, Doug when we, as women, especially focus all of our attention and energy on the husband, the family, the home, is we become resentful, and that resentment is the poison to a good marriage. But it builds up over time because guess what, he is sitting on the couch watching a football game, and I'm running around circles, doing the dishes, doing the laundry, giving the kids aback, putting them to bed, blah blah blah blah. And pretty soon I start looking at him going are you kidding me? Right? And I'm mad and I'm stewing, and that affects things and so rather than that, let's make sure I take do something to take care of myself and make myself happy so that that resentment doesn't take over and show up in all the ugly ways. So as you've done this, and that's a great example. So if your husband is sitting there watching football games or whatever, and you know he's enjoying that, how do you get to the point where it's not making you resentful or angry? Yeah, yeah, that's tricky. Well, guess what, my husband gets to have his self care too. And for my husband, that's probably watching the football game on television. So I started to realize, oh, he's doing his self care right. That helped me kind of flip the story in my mind

17:38 from oh my gosh, she's so lazy. Why isn't he helping me into Okay, he's doing his self care. And here's the other thing. I was forcing myself feeling like a martyr, like I have to do these dishes right now, I have to do this laundry right now. My husband was patting the side of the couch, going come here and watch your moving with me, and I was like, oh, I can't because I have a thousand things to do. And now instead I go, you know what, I've got this husband who loves me and wants to spend time with me. I'm going to go do that. I'm going to follow his lead and do some relaxing and guess what, the dishes and the laundry will be there tomorrow and I will have a fresh batch of energy to tackle them. And so right now I'm just going to appreciate that my husband loves me. You've really changed your mindset about that. So that was step number one that you talked about, is being able to get in and really find time every day to do something that really fulfills you and makes you happy. What are some of the other steps. Yeah. The other one that's really a favorite for me is relinquishing inappropriate control. And that means that I stay on my own paper.

19:00 Remember in school when they would say keep your eyes on your own paper, right, They didn't want you to cheat off the people around you. My paper has all of my things on it that I'm responsible for. It has all my self care and everything like that. If I keep my paper really fun and beautiful and interesting, then I stay on it. But if it gets really dull and boring, then that's when I start meddling in over on my husband's paper, or my kid's paper or your paper, right, And that means that I'm getting involved in things that aren't mine to deal with. And when I do that, I feel stress and pressure and overwhelmed because I'm trying to manage everybody's paper and I don't need to do that. How do you manage your paper? So it really is keeping you happy? Yeah, well it has the self care on it for sure. And so in the bad old days, I would feel myself kind of getting into a bad mood and I would think, well, there it is. I'm in a bad mood. What's you gonna do? Right? But now that I know the skills, when I feel that bad mood, when I feel that gripey complaining going on, I'm like, hm, have I been taking care of myself? Let me go to my self care list and see what do I have time to do right now? In the next you know, five minutes that can shift this for me. I go, you know what, I'm going to go for a walk, you know what, I'm going to hop

20:33 in the bathtub, you know what, I'm going to listen to my fun playlist of music and dance around in the kitchen, whatever it is, whatever I have time for, I'm going to do something to cut that bad mood off at the past and get and get happy again. Well, and you know that what that reminds me of is this concept of mindset and is I have had a chance to really study that, interview so many people that we talk about that, and then the general thing that comes across is that you take those emotions that arise, recognize what they are for what they are, and then actively, consciously, mindfully do something to move them away, recognizing that you know what those are, just those emotions, and do something that is going to change that. And that's exactly in my mind at least, what you're explaining on how to do that. Yeah, I tell my clients a lot of times, drop and give me ten. And I'm not talking about push ups. I'm talking about gratitude. Right, Because if I focus on the things that my husband is doing that are annoying me, because he does annoying things, right, he's human just like me. Right, If I focus on those things, guess what I'm going to feel annoyed. So I drop and give myself ten and I write down ten wonderful things. You know what. My husband goes to work every single day and he supports our family, thank you. You know what. He mows the lawn, he

22:04 takes out the trash. He takes my son to baseball practice every day, which I don't want to do. There is a lot to be thankful for. So I can shift my focus from what he's not doing, or what he's doing that's annoying me, to all the things that he is doing that I love about him, that I would have to do if he wasn't around. So even the simplest things, I can turn my mind to gratitude. Well, so you've got mindfulness and gratitude, and I think that is so important, the gratitude. So what else, Yeah, let me give you a fun example of something I used to do in the bad old days.

22:45 So we drive my car on the weekends when we have family activities and church and all those things, and so my car would get dirty, right because the kids are leaving their wrappers and their water bottles, and my husband's leaving his drinks and whatever, and so on Sunday on the way home from church. I used to give this wonderful speech. It was really more of a motivational talk, right, that went something like this, you guys need to get your crap out of my car. I'm sick of cleaning up after you take in your trash. No no, no, no dah. Right, And the whole family would just zip up and run away. Right. They weren't motivated. You know what they said to themselves, Oh my goodness, let's get as far from mom as we can because she's in a mood right right. And So what I learned through the skills is that I could express my desires in a way that inspires rather than complaining. So I didn't realize that was all just a bunch of complaints. And nobody listens when we complain, and nobody wants to be around somebody who's complaining. So I learned to say, very simply, I would love to have a clean car. And you know what my husband said the very first time I said it. He goes, oh, I'll take it and get it cleaned. I go, really, yeah. So he takes it down to the car wash and has it cleaned. Well, guess what I messed up again when he got home.

24:15 He got home and I walked out there and I opened up the door, and I was like, oh, and I started picking the little pieces of lint out of the carpet that the people had missed. I look up at my husband and he's got this like look on his face of defeat. And I realized that I think I'm criticizing the people who cleaned the car, but my husband feels like he's being criticized here. I've gone and done this nice thing for her, and she can't even be happy about it. She's gonna nitpick the little pieces that they missed. And I realized, and I said, you know what. I closed the door. I said, I'm so sorry. I said, thank you so much for doing that. What a blessing. You're such a wonderful husband. Thank you. And I changed my tune because I realized I was falling into that complaining again, and my husband had done something sweet, so I wanted to appreciate him for it.

25:17 Oh, that's wonderful. So so I'm curious because I know that also one of the things you talk about are the six intimacy skills. So first of all, I'd like you to define intimacy because I think people define it in different ways, and I want to make sure that you understand what we're really talking about. And then what are those six intimacy skills that can be developed. Mm, Well, when we talk about intimacy, we're talking about that connection and that relationship that you only have with your spouse. So it can mean sex and physical intimacy, but it also means those conversations and that affection and like I said, the connection that you only have with your spouse.

26:00 So we want to increase that connection. Women want to feel cherished and adored and taken care of and desired, and so that's all part of what we're working to create, and that happens through the intimacy skills, which, like I said, we're going to start with self care. Another one that I mentioned is relinquishing inappropriate control. And another one that we work on is respect. Because I would have told you that I was a respectful wife, and I would have told you that I respected my husband, but I needed to learn what respect looked like to a man. I've never been a man, I've never experienced that before. I had to learn that. And so I realized that criticizing and complaining like the example I just gave, felt disrespectful to my husband and so I had to clean that up. I learn to clean that up through apologies, Doug. If I'm being honest, I don't think I apologized for the first twenty five years of our marriage. So as you talk about, you know, respect for a man, what are some of the other things you have discovered besides criticism, What are some of the other things that you find are important to that husband that might start feeling disrespected?

27:30 What are some of the other things that can happen well? When I tell my husband how to drive or where to turn or which parking place to take, that comes across disrespectful. Right. The message is I don't think you're capable. I don't think you're smart enough to get us there, right. So I learned that that's disrespectful. When I tell him how to dress, that's disrespectful. He's a grown man. He got dressed long before he at me, right, And I tell him how to do things or how I would do things. No, no, no, don't load the dishwasher like that. It works better if you do it like this. That's disrespectful.

28:14 He's a grown man again, he's smart and he's capable, and I need to treat him that way. So I don't correct him anymore. I don't give helpful advice. My husband runs a roofing business, and I'll tell you what. Before I learned the skills, you would have thought I was a roofing expert of the world. And the truth is, I have no experience running a roofing business, and my husband does an awesome job at it. So I've stopped advising him about his work. When he tells me his work, I say, wow, that sounds really tricky. I know you'll do the right thing you always do. I'm curious how much does support fit into one of the intimacy skills being willing to support you know your husband comes and says, hey, this is something I really feel I'm going to do, and you're initially going no, no, no, no, no no, I don't want you to do that. How important is support from that perspective?

29:18 Yeah, I think, and please don't misunderstand. I share my opinion. My husband values my opinion. He wants to know how I think and feel about certain things. We certainly bring both bring something really valuable to the table, and he is wonderful about bringing that out in me. I just know now that I don't have to have an opinion about every single thing, which I used to think I did. I thought I had to say it too. So I spend a lot more time listening now and being quiet than I used to in the battle days, where I had an opinion about everything.

30:00 O. My husband is allowed to dream out loud, whether it's realistic or not. And my husband is a dreamer, and he tells me lots of things, and I don't have to take every one of them as if they're in motion. Starting tomorrow, I can just listen and say, I hear you well. And you know it's interesting. When I had my dental practice, I warned my I warned my employees right off the bat. I said, look, I think out loud, and so when I say something, please don't take that is this is what's going to happen. I'm just thinking out loud. That's just how I tend to think. And they finally figured that out and it made all the difference. But what I hear you saying is how important communication really is, and I'm not sure people really understand the real value and the true way in which we need to communicate. Any thoughts on communication and how you have found with your has been the best way for communication to actually work on both sides. Yeah, you know, I was a communications major in college, and everybody wants to talk about communication when it comes to marriage and relationships. But what I've been learning over the past years is that it's different than what I thought it was. I thought when we talked about communication, more is better, more and more and more say everything, share everything. And what I'm finding out now is no, that's

31:30 not true. For me. Less is more, and so like I said before, I offer less advice and less. I don't have to say everything that's on my mind. Sometimes when my husband gets on my nerves, I can share that with a girlfriend instead of telling him everything, and I can just vent to her and not bring it up to him. And maybe I just changed the way I think about what happened. I don't have to say everything that comes to my mind because some of the things that I think would be hurtful to him, and I'm just not willing to sacrifice my intimacy like that by sharing something with him that's not really that big of a deal.

32:14 I'd rather preserve my intimacy and let go of trying to control everything like I used to. So have you found. Sometimes he will do something that really triggers you, and all of a sudden, those emotions that are within you that you'd even realize that they're just suddenly rise. How do you communicate that to him? Or do you just always talk to a girlfriend about it, or do you actually communicate that in a way that says, you know what, I'm taking responsibility for this, But the reality is, when you do this, it is triggering emotions in me that I've not yet figured how to handle. Can you help me with that? That's good? That's good.

32:55 Yeah, well I will tell you that I don't practice these skills perfectly, right. I'm just a mere mortal woman. I'm just a human. So, yeah, there are times when I go back to the old ways and blow the whole thing. But now I know how to clean it up. Now, I know how to apologize, and I'm comfortable taking accountability for what I've done, and so I can say, I'm really sorry that was disrespectful the way that I spoke to you. Will you forgive me? Yeah? Okay, So we've talked I think about two, maybe three of those six intimacy skills. What are the other ones? You want me to share all my secrets, doctor g I do. That's pardon why I have you on the podcast, because I guarantee you sharing them with the audience is only going to inspire them to want to reach out to you more. Another one of the skills that I love that I never thought about before I got involved in this work is receiving graciously. And that means I receive help, I receive compliments, and I receive apologies, compliments, health apologies, and so that means that when I'm you know, carrying the heavy box and my husband says, let me do that. In the battle days, I would have said, no, no, I got it right, because I want to be strong and capable. Now, I say thank you so much and I give it to him. I receive compliments so from anybody and everybody. When somebody

34:28 says I love your dress, I no longer say oh, I got it on sale for fifteen dollars at Target. I say thank you. Right. When my husband buys me a gift, and maybe it's not my favorite, I use my manners my mom taught me growing up, and I say thank you right. In the battle days, I would say, oof, why do you buy this? I don't like this, Can I take it back? Or something like that that I would never say to one of my girlfriends because I wouldn't want to their feelings. But because I thought communication in this marriage meant that I could say anything, I would say those things that just weren't really kind. Now I say thank you, and I receive gifts, compliments and help perfect and I'm going to ask you for the next one.

35:19 Expressing gratitude we talked about. Yeah, so I don't just make a gratitude list, which is helpful for my mindset, but I express the gratitude out loud. I think that I used to be stingy with my gratitude. Maybe I thought if I gave him too much, he wouldn't do as much. I don't know what was happening in my mind, but now I'm thankful for everything he does. Thank you for helping me bring in the groceries, you know, thank you for taking Evan to baseball practice. I thank him for everything like I would, you know, anybody anybody else in my life. And the last skill is vulnerability, which is really an interesting and deep well.

36:04 Vulnerability means that instead of showing up with my anger, which is really easy because it's right on top and it's the easiest one to express. I dig a little bit deeper and find out what's the hurt that's underneath the anger, and can I instead express that? Because my husband responds better to me in vulnerability than he does in anger. Right, if I spout off in anger, he's going to come back with anger because we do mirror each other. But if I show up with vulnerability, I think so many times it kind of inspires that hero gene that's within every man, that he wants to take care of his wife and make her happy. And so sadly, in the battle days, I didn't seem pleasable. Right, he went and got the car washed, but I still wasn't happy because it wasn't good enough.

37:04 So now I strive to be pleasable instead. So he feels successful as a husband, and that's what he wants. Right. If you don't feel successful as a husband, he feels like a failure. Well, as you started doing this, what changes did you start to observe in your husband as you as you started to make these changes and apply you know all the skills that you have been taught and that you teach others. Now what changes did you absolutely observe in your husband. Well, like I said, I think that we mirror each other and that goes in all relationships. Like we were talking about before, if I show up happy, you respond happy to me.

37:45 If I show up complaining, you may start complaining with me, or you're just not going to enjoy my company. So when I started to show up with gratitude and saying thank you all the time, guess what, my whole family started expressing more gratitude. It was like it was contagious. So they all started responding, thanks for cooking dinner, mom, thanks for doing my laundry, you know, different things like that, including my husband. When I started being thankful for the things that he did, guess what, he wanted to do more things for me to make me happy because he could see that I was pleasable. When I started showing up happy because I had done my self care, he was happy too, and he wanted to do more to make me even happier. He wanted to pile on. It was amazing.

38:34 When I started receiving compliments, well, he started giving more. It's like all the things that I wanted started coming toward me like a magnet. I was attracting them. I started attracting more affection and more intimacy physical and otherwise from him through these skills. When I started showing up respectful to him, he started just adoring me more. He started when I stop trying to control him and control all the details of our lives. Guess what, he started planning the vacations. I don't have to plan them anymore. He puts them all together and I just go on them and enjoy. It's beautiful.

39:15 Oh, that's wonderful. So let me ask you, how does the audience, if this is wrong truth for some of them, how do they find you and hopefully seek your help? Yeah? Well, I have a website it's called Relationships with a Map dot org, and they can find me under that on Facebook and Instagram. Also I love to do I do four week workshops online that happen on Zoom Live once a week for four weeks, and I teach all six intimacy skills, and I give homework each night where they can start practicing and experimenting with these skills and start to see the changes right away on that first night. Well, and I think it's just so important.

40:00 This is something that I've learned we all need coaches. We need someone outside that can be there to guide us, to help us, because this is not easy to do on our own necessarily and has taught us these things, right? Have you ever had a class on relationships? Not? Really? Wouldn't that be amazing if you were to do that with the younger people so that when they got married it actually was a better situation. Yes. Yes, I can think of a lot of classes I took in high school that I would have been better off with the relationship class instead of Amen. So let me ask you a question as we close, as you consider, what is the main message that you would love to leave with the audience?

40:46 What would that be? I would say, ladies, you have a wonderful husband, and I know that you do because you picked him right. And all the reasons that you fell in love with him and picked him are still there, They've just gotten buried underneath life, right, the responsibilities of life. And so I want to help you to show up in a new way that are going to revive all of those great qualities that you saw in him to begin with. There is hope for you to have a thriving marriage, and I want to support you in that wonderful Christy, this has just been really fascinating to me because it just goes against all this culture that, you know, the man's the one that has to be responsible for all of this, and I love how you've taken that responsibility. But I love also the fact that as you change, you bring about a change in your husband to where you have both changed, but you took the responsibility at first to do that. Thank you, Thank you. I'm so glad to hear it, especially from a man perspective. Right. My husband will tell you that coaching is the best money we've ever spent. Oh, I believe it. I believe it. So anyway, thanks so much for being on the show.

42:06 I really appreciate it. And folks, I hope, I hope you've taken some hints out of this, and you know, for the men that are listening, you know you could do the same thing, so you know, take these hints and recognize that you can develop these relationships. Both men and women can take that responsibility to do that, and as they do, I think we're going to see a much healthier, happier society in general. So Christy, thanks so much for being on the show, really appreciate it. Thank you for having me, oh you bet folks. Thanks for listening. Hope you'll join us again soon.