What’s Your Story

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0:44 Denzel Washington, Welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you to do the same. Madeleine Weiss, Welcome to the show. Oh thank you. I'm delighted to be here. Well, I'm glad to have you here. I'd love for you to share with the audience kind of who you are, your background, and I think that's important for them to understand. But also where did you What was the path and the journey you went on in order to bring you to this point, because it's certainly, I think a little bit different than one would have expected based on your background. Yeah, there is a story. So the short of it is, I help busy people master their minds so they can live happier, healthier, prosperous and productive lives. I'm a Harvard trained licensed psycho therapist, board certified executive life and career coach, mindset expert, and so on. You want to know how I got here?

1:59 Yeah, yeah, what's the journey? All right? Who knows what you come onto the planet with. We'll start there, okay. But I do have a story that I think played a big part in who I am and where I am and what I contribute today, and that is you know the little children's book Madeline. I've heard of it, not read it, heard of it. Yes, probably a lot of your listeners know about it. So there's this little book Madeline, And there's a little passage in the book, and it's she was not afraid of mice. She loved winter, snow and ice. To the tiger in the zoo, Madeline just said poo pooh. And so did I too many times to my dad, so that I was like a pretty feisty, mouthy little girl. Yeah, I don't know, if I don't know if you can tell.

2:58 But when he was forty two and I was fifteen, he died suddenly and the doctor said it was a cerebral hemorrhage. And I went for years because people didn't talk to their children, or at least in my part of the world back in the day, the way we do now about their feelings and how they're interpreting their experience and all that good stuff, And so I was left to my own devices. And I figured that I was such a pain in that, you know what, that he died of me. And there was this moment in the cemetery when I finally broke down with my mother about how all my fault it was, and she said, no, honey, it wasn't you. It was work. So no surprise. I'm in my life if I can help one little boy or girl's mommy or daddy, or anybody at all for that matter, you know, get to those happier, healthier, prosperous, productive lives. I'm then, and.

4:12 You've written a couple of books, Can you share with the audience what they are and what the focus is, because they're different focuses, aren't they. Yes and no no okay, no, yes, yes, yes, and also no okay. So this is the first one getting a great and this is for adults. And one day I said to myself, you know, all of my clients are so different from each other, age, occupation, ethnicity, whatever you name it. And also my training background is so varied, so there's no telling which tool I'm pulling out of the toolkit at any given time with anybody. So I just said, you know, like, these these people are doing, well, what are we doing here? I've got intensely curious about because I don't follow anybody's playbooks. It's an art and a science in the way that I practice, and it's very organic and interactive. So it's like, what's happening here that's working? What is the common denominator? I wanted to know, was there something that applied to all that was helping them get from men in their lives to really feeling great about their lives. And came I laid all my boulders out looking at them, you know, and I came up with this five step process. And that's what the

5:44 first book is, this five step strategy for work and life the reason and this launched November nineteenth. Pretty yeah, what's your story? So the reason I said to you yes and no is because this was for the adults. But I kept hearing adults saying to me, why did somebody teach me this when I was younger? It could have spared me from hitting the wall a few times by the time I got to I don't know, thirty forty fifty, whatever it was, and making myself and everybody around me miserable and the process. If only I had known just a few simple things that can make all the difference in the world. And I thought, you know, that's so true.

6:38 And sometimes I'll work with my clients on their parenting. Not that not that I niche ever in that area, but it was just it just sort of came to be that, you know, they'll talk to me about their children and I'll come up with a couple of ideas for them that work like magic. And so I thought, I really have to, I have to do one for kids. So I did. So the message is very similar, really, but one is packaged for adults and one is packaged for kids. Okay, And you know, one of the things that I found fascinating and I thought would be an interesting thing to talk about a bit, was this what you call parental burnout?

7:25 And you know, what I have found is. That as I've done so many podcasts, studied and research and all of these type of things, that as children, you know, they have their own perception and as parents, we might we might say something that we think is just loving and kind, and their perception is we're saying. They're no good. You know, they all of that type of thing. And I have found that parents really struggle. And you know, sometimes there's those parents that are really consciously working hard with their kids, and then there are other parents, unfortunately, that are so busy at work that they're kind of ignoring that whole situation even though they have the kids.

8:08 So let's talk about both what can parents do to help their children to have a healthier mindset, a healthier experience so that they don't have all those subconscious imprints later on in life. Number one question and number two question is, then how do we help parents who are experiencing burnout because their kids are difficult? Okay, great, great, great questions. First of all, there's a study to support what you're saying. I forget how many kids.

8:49 They asked if there was one person that you could think of. I think it might have even included fictional characters. I don't know, but who would you want to, like have dinner with or whatever it was. And all of them were saying their parents. They yearned to be with their parent, And it tells you something about what the availability is parental burnout. I have a definition. Puild a bunch of stuff for you is defined by Psychologicalscience dot org as an intense exhaustion that leads parents to feel detached.

9:30 Keyword detached. I'm coming back to that, detached from their children and unsure of their parenting abilities. It's actually more than that they feel in general. I had a client yesterday who described it like so vividly detached from everything. So you have like seventy five percent working parents, and I you know, I asked the Human Resource Association, do you say working parents now? Because parenting is pretty important work. So how do you say that? So anybody who's having a problem with that, I don't know how else to say it. They couldn't tell me, So I'm gonna say or working parents. Okay, So seventy five percent of them say that their children's mental health is their primary concern, which means that when they're at work, they're having trouble focusing pretty much on anything because there's this overwhelming feeling of no matter what they're doing, it's not good enough anywhere.

10:39 And to a degree they're not wrong about that because they're so detached everywhere. Yeah, so, which part of your many wonderful questions did I not answer? Well, you know, the parental burnout, and then and then also what it is, but how do you help? How do you help the the people that are burned out, how do you help them to really become that good parent? And then for those that are not quite so burned out and really focused on helping again, how do they make sure that the perception of their children is such. That is actually. True with what the parent is seeking to teach them or trying to say or trying to communicate.

11:26 I'm going to tell it in a story. So there's this woman. She works for the treasury, and she travels a lot, and she has a four year old, and every time she's about to leave on her trip, the four year old has a meltdown. And this very good woman who means well certainly by her child and is just trying to do everything well. She'll say to him things like it's okay, Daddy will be here. You know, she tries to comfort the child, Daddy will be here. I'll only be gone for two days and then I'll be home and we'll do this and this and this and so what she did, she tries to cheer him up.

12:15 And even though her intentions, you know, are so good, what she's doing is she's leaving the child alone with his feelings. So when he grows up to be an adult, if that continued, which it's not going to because I had my way with her, and I'll tell you and I'll tell you what that is. But had she continued to do that as an adult, he would have a very hard time navigating his own life because he wouldn't have any inner guidance that he could trust. Because when he presented his feelings to his mother, she told him why he should not feel that way. So that and if listeners, take one thing, take this. The tip is you know, there's right brain, left brain. It's oversimplified, but it's useful to do so for things like this. So he's having a right The kid is having a right brain meltdown. He's all emotion, he's not thinking straight. He can't even hear what she's saying. She's trying to talk reason and logic to him. He can't. He can't hear it, and if he can hear it, he can't process it because he's in a different place. So with what she needed to do was before she told him why it's going to be all right and he shouldn't have the feelings that he's having, she acknowledged those feelings. I know

13:49 it sounds really simple, but it's not instinctive. Somehow parents want the kid not to feel bad, and so they try to fix it. But what she started to do was she started to say things to him like, I know this is always hard for you when mommy goes away. You feel whatever it is he said he felt, and she really acknowledged that. And it got to the point where the kids said to her, and I'm laughing because I think it's so funny. The kids said to her, go, okay, fine, good go because he got what he needed. He needed to have his feelings acknowledged. He needed to know his feelings were okay, and he needed to know that he was not alone in those feelings. Yes, there was somebody who got it well.

14:38 And you know, as you bring that up, and you bring up left brain right right. And I'm very fascinated by personality behavioral profiles, and I'm actually certified in one particular one. But the way that I got interested in that was years ago. I had two of my boys, One was a senior and one was a sophomore in high school and they were fighting like crazy. And I was in a. I was in a group, a networking group, and they had invited this gentleman in and he talked about personalities and he had created his own personality program and so forth, and I found it fascinating, and so I had both of my boys. Go through a program with him. And here's what we discovered.

15:20 The younger son right brain, now right brain, left brain, but very much focused right brain. The other son very left brain. And so the left brain son would be talking to him very strongly and so forth, and you know, the emotions and the sense that the other son was getting was really tough. They went through this program, they started to understand that, and they became best friends, and to this day they are still best friends. Yeah, and I think you. Bring up an important point because so often, as parents number one, we don't even have a clue as to this whole concept. Of right brain left brain.

16:00 And obviously there are other elements to that, but as you say, to keep it simple, if a right brain parent is speaking to a left brain child, the brain child. Is going to go any just give me the data, okay. And if the left brain parent is talking to the right brain child, they have no idea how that child is perceiving. In fact, I had to finally sit down with. My kids and say, look, you guys, here's the bottom line. I have a tendency, because I'm very left brain, I have a tendency to just give my opinion a lot, and oftentimes you're going to interpret that as a criticism.

16:40 So when we're talking, if you want me just to listen, tell me, oh dad, I just want you to listen. If you want my opinion, then say dad, I would like your opinion. And I found that. Once we started doing that, it made all the difference in the world for them. And how much does that apply to couples? Oh well, yeah, it applies to everybody. And that's why I got into this whole behavioral thing because it is so applicable that people understand number one, who the other person is, how do they want to be communicated with, what are the words that you need to avoid? And all of a sudden, if someone were to actually take the time to really develop that mindset of going, Okay, I'm going to communicate with this person in the correct way, and then as they communicate, back listen and make sure that you're really understanding what each other is saying.

17:40 I think that makes the whole difference. That, Yeah, what a great, great story you just told about your kids. For your kids and for everybody listening. That was I have stuff in this book on the brain for kids. I worded that down a little bit. Uh Okay, there you go, and for your folks just listening, picture of the brain. And then yeah, and then the whole back of the book is activities like scenarios that happened for kids and they can apply the techniques to the scenarios and write a story about it.

18:34 So that's yeah, yeah. And you know, it's interesting, as we talk about perceptions, we talk about life, then. Stress really comes into it. And I have observed so many people that are experiencing such stress and anxiety in their lives, and based. On your experience, does it really begin in childhood? And how can we as parents prevent that from being as strong as it happens? And number two, how do we help people who are experiencing that high stress, that anxiety to overcome that and to really reach a much more subtle, peaceful type of existence in their minds?

19:17 A couple of things on that. So we're talking about soothing, self soothing, which does begin we know right in early childhood. If things go well, the child learns how to self soothe from being provided the proper environment. But the thing that I want to say without getting too technical, that I think is really important, and it came up with a client yesterday who's a new mom. She just bought a new house, she had a new job. She's stressed to the max, she's exhausted, and it's sort of like wearing like dirty gray colored glasses. Like everything everything is like lost on her right now. And we were she started saying things like she you know, exercised, nutrition, sleep, journaling.

20:16 She brought all these things up and she said this which maybe some of your listeners could resonate with. She said, I just feel so selfish. She said, there's something about all this, you know, like self care that almost disgusted her in a way interesting because because she has all this responsibility and who is she to be thinking about herself? And I turned that around with her by saying that it wasn't just her right but also her responsibility. And you know, so that there's a well worn analogy about when you're on the airplane, you have to put the mask on your own face first, otherwise you're fainted on the floor, and you know, good to anybody if you don't have any oxygen, and trying to really help her frame it, and that's the thing with the mind makes up stories, it frames things, and we have to be more in charge of it than it is in charge of us. Which is what I mean by mastering the mind, not that the mind doesn't do its thing, but that we're more in charge of it and it is in charge of us. And the idea was for her to reframe it that she could feel bad about herself if she didn't take care of herself, because she's got a

21:49 boss who's counting on her, she's got a little kid who's counting on her, she has a husband, who's counting on her. She has an extended family who all needs for her to be well. So in a sense, that's the most important, necessary obligation she has. So this thing about it being selfish, just we just turned it on its head. It's a must do that. We take care of ourselves for all the people who are counting on us. Yeah, And I find so often we're so busy trying to do this, do that. And you know, I've gotten myself in trouble occasionally when I'm at church, okay, because so often they're talking about do do do do? And I know that that creates such stress, that creates such senses of guilt and so forth. And I'll say, and I apologize any listeners that don't believe the way I do.

22:47 But I asked the question, did Christ do what he did so he could become Christ? Or did he do what he did because he was Christ? And you know, my point was we we can only do what we are, And when we truly, as you say, work on ourselves and really become that individual that we truly are, then that behavior automatically flows. And I think it changes the whole experience of our lives. Well, part of yes, indeed. And part of that five step process is the discovery of who we are and the quieter we become inside. So it's not only you know, how we extend ourselves doing doing doing on the outside, but there's a lot of noise on the inside, and the quieter we can make that, then the guidance the how to be who we are the best version of ourselves bubbles up. People talk about meaning and purpose like you have to dig for it. I don't think that.

24:01 I believe that if we get quiet, it's there and we'll be able to feel it and see it and hear it absolutely. And I mean sometimes yeah, sometimes it's just that aha moment that hits you and it's like wow. But I think it only has you right, it only becomes as we are they're willing to listen to, contemplat and so forth. I know you have a lot of exercises in your book on how they can accomplish that. What are some of those examples? Which book are we talking about? You know what, I think it's great. I think it's getting too great. So it's talking about focus and release, power, breathing, those type of things.

24:47 Well, for sure, the power breathing that little thirty second mindset reset. If I could think of like one thing that would have the most leverage, it's the most impact with the least effort. Let's it. It's that thirty second mindset. Reads it and on my website Matdaline moys dot com there's a tab at the top that says power Breathe and there's a one sheet PDF that can be downloaded or just read on there and it's free and anybody can go there and get that, and I highly recommend that.

25:33 But I'm smiling because there's an exercise. So the Great Book has chapters segmented like I have one on time. Separate from that, I have one on money. Separate from that, there's you know, one on other people. And I'm laughing because when you asked that, I was thinking about the money one, which I can tell you about if you'd. Like, which oh, absolutely, absolutely. Okay, So I thought this was funny. So the exercise is that you imagine that you're like on the Doctor Phil show. So it's doctor Phil and it's you and it's your money. So you know how he might have a mother and a daughter or a couple and they're going at each other. So they're going at each other.

26:22 Is you and your money are trying kind of like your sons were trying to learn how to understand each other so they could have a good a good relationship. So I did this exercise, and the money went first and talked about what it's like to be in a relationship with me. And this was years years ago I wrote the book. I think that was twenty twenty one. And anyway, so the money said to me, you don't appreciate me, you don't enjoy me, you don't acknowledge me.

27:05 You just let me sit there. I just sit there. I'm here to serve you. I want to make you happy, I want to keep you healthy, and you ignore me and just let me sit there and don't do anything with me. Ever, I thought, and there was so much truth to that, and it is astounding to me that this funny little exercise actually changed my life because I related to my money from that moment on much more appreciatively, like spending more and enjoying it more instead of just sitting there like that. And it's so much better. And then somehow, believe it or not, it was like magic.

27:59 I don't know how it grew and grew and grew, and I know it sounds ridiculous, but I really do attribute some of that to having this change of mindset more to abundance than scarcity. Is how the experts tend to talk about the money thing. Well, and you know, it really is interesting, you know, as we talk about the energy that comes out of us, and as you say, if we can change that energy with the mindset from the lack of and the scarcity to abundance, we attract that the energy attracts it. And I know that scientifically they have proven this, which is which is just amazing to me that they're able to. Yeah, and I love where you talk about the power breathing.

28:49 It's interesting I have. I've interviewed so many people and each one of them have talked about a different model of breathing. You know, a lot of it has to do with meditation and so forth. But you know you're talking about one then, the power breathing type of situation. No, I'm talking thirty seconds, oh. Thirty seconds, Okay, thirty seconds, and so what is that for you? I'm curious of what is the power breathing to you? I'm not sure that what do you mean by the question do you mean. You show me power breathing? Yeah, show me how you do it? Go sit up nice and straight, feet flat on the ground, top of the head parallel with the skytch and tucked in slightly. And the magic of this is going to be that typically, especially anxious breathing, when we breathe, we fill the lungs. So this is diafragmatic breathing. Like the singers Doll think, you fill the stomach instead of the lungs, which is not natural for adults. I think maybe babies did, but somehow we are grew the naturalness of filling the belly instead of the lungs. When you fill the belly instead of the lungs, you activate the polybagal nerve, which

30:19 goes from the abdominal area up to the brain. And it is not only calling, but it takes you out of fight flight, takes you out of sympathetic into parasympathetic, which is more calming. But importantly, because people worry if they get calm, they'll get dull, So I want to be very clear here that it's about clarity. So what it does is it kicks things upstairs to the higher brain, where you're much clearer and smarter, and that takes thirty seconds.

31:00 I like to advise, and I've consulted with medical people on this. I like to advise in through the nose and out through the nose. I know a lot of people prefer in through the nose and out through the mouth, and that I understand is good for energizing. But when we're trying to get focused and clarity, I was told that in through the nose and out through the nose. So we're going to do that, and we're going to belly out on the in breath and belly in on the outbreath before we do it. Try that once.

31:44 Well and interesting, And I'm just going to bring this up. My dad was a classical voice teacher, taught at north Western University in the Chicago area, and he would teach us and none of us kids really ever saying. A couple of us saying, but nothing like his you know, his students. And when he taught us to breathe and singing, it was breathing and he referred to it as not only the stomach, but the back. So when I breathe in, I feel the back. Extend as well as the stomach, and that really makes a difference for me when I do that. I had not heard that, I didn't know that, but I just did it and I felt it, so thank you.

32:28 And that's how the classical singers are taught to breathe. And I think that's where that power comes from when you hear those classical voices, which I think is amazing, but it fascinates me. So as they're doing it, they just do it for thirty seconds, so it's a number of breaths, just three for me that. I take three breaths and do you. Hold it at all? Do you hold it at all when you breathe in. Well, I know that there are people who do that, so they you know, in five out seven or something along those lines. I like to keep it really simple because I want people to do it a lot, so I don't want them to have to think about it.

33:10 I want it to be natural without thinking or counting or anything. And those breaths are like really luxurious. I like to say that, really deep luxurious, like really enjoyed. You know. We take our you know, like like I took my money for granted, we take our breath for granted. Where would we be without it? For crying out loud. Right, So do you wanna do one or no? No, I think you've explained it well, and then hopefully the folks will do it. I tend to do it as I'm doing my walking meditation and so, you know, but I have to say I probably am not focusing on doing that lower abdomen back agreeth then, and I'm going to have to remember to do that.

33:57 Once you start doing that again, it will become habit. Yes, yes, And so I have it in. The book for the kids. Do you really Yeah, let's talk. Let's talk about that book for a minute. Just kind of outline what your message is to the kids in that book. Well, I wanted the kids to know that the mind makes up stories for us to live in, and to know that is to help us to be able to team up with the brain to produce better stories. So again, it's this being being more in charge of what's happening in there that's directing our lives. I don't think little kids know. Well, you know, the thing was, I have this wonderful little eight year old granddaughter, and I was saying, at the beginning of writing this book, I said something about thinking is like having a conversation with your brain.

35:01 And she said to me, oh my god, I do that all the time, and like she was letting out the secret about what she knew about what was going on in there. That the way she said it made me think that she wasn't sure that was okay. So this book tells kids, we're all doing that and to know it is to be able to do it better. And I think that would be the message. And are they mature enough at a young age to actually be able to start to do that? Well. She at the time we started discussing it, she's turning eight December seventeenth, but when we started discussing it, it was like January or something, so she was just seven.

35:55 And she really Then she said to me, she must have been thinking about the conversation, because a couple of weeks later, she said, I have something to tell you. I said, of course, you know, she said, everything I'm thinking therese aren't. They're not all things that like really happened. A lot of them are things I wish would happen. And I said, and that's your imagination, and she didn't. Again, I had the feeling like she didn't know that that was normal. And great to be able to have that kind of mental activity. She was like, she was very private until she told me.

36:44 You know, and what a difference it would make for our society if our young children could start at that point in time and recognize and I kind of use the example of the fact that they are not only the author, but they are the director of their own movie, their life, and they have the ability to create that movie in any direction. That they'd like it to go. And you know, and recognize that. You know, in any good movie, you have challenges that come up, but you also have that hero overcoming the challenges, and you know, for them to. Be able to do that graphic here.

37:26 Okay, let's see it. For those that are watching the videos, I'm. Super what you just said. Oh wow, I love it. That was a Disney designer who did these. I'm crazy ye that they kept them nice and simple. Yeah, so what what a what a difference it would make because as we see what's going on right now in the society, the age, Oh, I know the adults too, you know, and and that's even harder for them because they've been living with us thing for so long. But you know, if you talk about starting a movement.

38:06 If you talk about what you would like to actually accomplish in a movement, what would it be, because it sounds like you kind of have that mentality. It would be this. I'm actually taking this doing an after school program in January for DC kids. Two thirds of DC kids are reading below grade level, so we're putting this program together. It would be that they understand more about their inner and outer worlds and how to navigate them successfully in school. And there's a dad who's a VP finance. I did some webinars for them on purpose driven and men planning, and I mentioned I was writing the book for kids, and he said, oh my god, I have kids. You have to tell me when when it's out, blah blah blah. So I sent the arc the advanced review copied to him, and he did it over summer vacation with the kids. And the reason I'm saying and for the adults too, he said he had so much fun doing it with them, and he catches the kids when they're feeling stressed hower breathing. But the part I like the best, he said, And I have to admit I learned a few things myself. And now the kids call me out when they catch me reacting

39:40 instead of responding, Oh, I love it. You know, our kids can be our best teachers sometimes, can't they. Oh yeah? Well, Actually, when my granddaughter read the introduction, she said to me, she said, you know, you could put a question right here. It could say something like, have you ever noticed you know, talking to your whatever? And I thought, oh my god, she's so right. Everybody knows you have to put a question in there. How come I. So so remind the audience about this book? Is it out or when's it coming out of it? And how do they find it?

40:26 Okay, so it's what's your story? This is what it looks like. What's your story? And it's got a little boy there. Well that's too bad. You know. I tried to make it look as appealing to boys and girls as I could. It's hard, so it looks like a boy to you. Yeah, okay. Well, anyway, it's on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. I noticed there as well. By the time this airs, the celebration kindle sale will be over. But I kept the pricing very low in general because I want I want people to read it and enjoy it.

41:15 That's great, that's great. And you know, as as we end the podcast, number one, how do people find you? And then then reiterate that, I know you mentioned it before. And then number two, what would be your final message to the audience. So in the book, I have the activities segmented into inside relationship stories and outside relationship stories. So those are like your relationship to yourself and your relationship to others. I studied at vetiveatedan to pre Hindu tradition for twenty five years, believe it or not, and they have a concept that I'll leave you with. It's good company. And good company is not just the people that you invite into your life. It's the books you read, the music you listen to, the food you eat, and importantly it's the thoughts in our head as well. The company we keep is the company that's inside our head is maybe most important of all. And then certainly the relationships that we build. And you know, the studies are all saying that longevity hinges on healthy, long, deep relationships. Yes, so sure,

42:46 good good company. All right? And how do they find you? What's your website? So my website is madeleinewise dot com. It's a funny spelling m A d E LA I E W E I SS Maddeline moys dot com and everything is there. So my blog is there, the Power Breathing Gift is there, all my social is there. And also there are icons that people can click on right there for the books. So wonderful. Well, Madam and I you missed pronounced it. You're right because I did not say Madeline. I said Madeline, and hey, I go through that all the time with my own last name. So anyway, Madaline, thank you so much for being on the show.

43:35 Thank you, doctor Doug. That was that was really good. Well, I really appreciate it. You have such great insights and obviously you're caring about people and your desire to make that improvement in their lives to me is just phenomenal. So thank you for that. Thank you, and folks, thanks for listening. I hope you enjoyed it and look forward to having you join us again soon. So this is DOC to Doug Sane, no mistake,