The Four Pillars of Change

0:01 This program is designed to provide general information with regards to the subject matters covered. This information is given with the understanding that neither the hosts, guests, sponsors, or station are engaged in rendering any specific and personal medical, financial, legal counseling, professional service, or any advice. You should seek the services. Of competent professionals before applying or trying any suggested ideas. At the end of the day, it's not about what you have or even what you've accomplished. It's about what you've done with those accomplishments. It's about who you've lifted up, who you've made better. It's about what you've given back.

0:44 Thanzel Washington, Welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you to. Do the same. Kyle Gillette, Welcome to the show. How are you. I'm great, Thanks for having me. Doctor doug Hey, it's great to have you on this show. I'm really excited to talk about some of the things that you've been you know, obviously promoting and particularly in your book and so forth. So what I'd love for you to do is to kind of tell the audience who you are And how on earth did you get to this point in your life where you developed this whole system of blue leadership as well as other things.

1:25 Yeah. Sure, So what's interesting is you're in Thailand and my dad sells oranges to people in Thailand. For sure, they expert on California all the way out to Thailand. And so I grew up on an orange farm in the Central Valley of California, did that life until I was eighteen, went off to college and decided that ag business was not for me, and ended up choosing a different major altogether and went to the exercise science route. Ended up wrapping that thing up, and I had gone on a mission's trip to India with Gosh, there's a church of I don't know how many people, but there's twenty people on the trip and great experience there. We did our thing, and we came back and I was wrapping up my senior year of college and I was in short afraid to become an adult because college was a lot of fun, had a lot of fun with friends.

2:11 I did a ton of sports, spent a lot of time on the beach playing volleyball, surfing. I did okay in school, but it was just a fantastic experience, and I wasn't ready to go Let's go professional and do the whole professional life. And I remember talking to my parents on the phone and said, Mom, Dad, I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself. I'm a little bit lost, Like, you'll figure it out. Maybe you should pursue personal training or whatever. They weren't too worried about it, but I was terrified, so I would say. Two weeks later, I got a phone call from John, one of the guys on the trip, and he said, Hey, Kyle, there's this opportunity at this men's mentoring program I think you'd be a perfect fit for. And I'm sitting at my desk in the apartment I was in and thinking to myself, Yeah, I need to be mentored. I need to live in the program and have the opportunity to be mentored. But he was talking about me leading these guys, so I'm going, uh, okay, let me learn some more about it. So I go to the job to the interview, and I remember pulling onto the property and you drive down this long driveway onto this twenty twenty acre ranch. It was an old dairy farm, not active anymore, and you pull out of the property over this creek on this bridge, and then there's these chain link fence with a bunch of dogs barking at you, but they're happy dogs because it's a doggy daycare. You pull up a little further and there's this old farmhouse built at eighteen eighty six, wrap around porch, American flag, green grass, just beautiful setting. And I'm like, what am I getting myself into? I pull up, walk up the sidewalk to the front door, knock on it, and Jack the President opens it. Long story short, I

3:42 interviewed for an hour and a half. I feel like the couch and someone is pushing me down into the couch and saying, you belong here, you stay here. So they asked me do I want to do this? And I said yes, I didn't know what I was getting into. Well, ten years later, I finally leave the program and I'm married and I have a couple kids, and I'm moving up to the Pacific Northwest. But in that window, I was mentored for ten years. I mentored others for ten years, and I learned business, and I learned at resorts, and I learned nonprofits, and I learned all that world and then came up here and dabbled a little bit more in the nonprofit world and a little bit in the corporate world, and then open my own business. So that's a little bit of a short version, but that's a lot of the history to get to where I am.

4:30 Well, And I know you have a huge focus on business and helping business leaders and so forth, and we're gonna I have always learned. In fact, I remember when I was doing some business consulting, I would tell my clients, you know, what we're going to learn here applies to your personal life. There's such a correlation here, and so yeah, today, i'd love to chat a lot more about some of the things that you're doing, things that you use, the techniques that you use, and how they can be applied to an individual who's listening today in their life. And I know there's a lot of things that you talk about. I had a chance to go through your book and read a little bit of it, and I found that fascinating.

5:13 So first of all, your book, what's the name of your book right now? Leadership a four part framework for today's leader. Okay, great, and quite frankly, as I say, as I was reading and it's like, Wow, this is so applicable to personal life as well as leaders. So one of the things you talk about is the four components have change and why is it important to change? So what are your thoughts about that? And why talk about what changes? And how do we do that? Yeah, So do you want me to talk about the four pillars in my book or four components of change? Well, we can talk about all all of that, I know.

5:55 Also you talk about NLP or non coach, Maybe let's start there because that kind of opens up, that kind of opens up the foundation of what we're really talking about. Because NLP neuro linguistic programming is something to help people to do what. Yeah, you take NLP is the taking on of the habits of people that have got it figured out. It's kind of the short version of what NLP is, and they've got it figured out through the language that they use, the language that they say to others or they say to themselves, and that language then programs the way that you see the world and it adjusts the way you see the world, which then means you change your habits, you change your mindsets, and then you change your results.

6:40 So NLP is taking the most effective use of language in the lives of other people that were studied, primarily psychologists that were studied by Bandler and Griddler are the two primary people of an LP using those effective methods and then teaching people how to use it in their everyday lives and businesses. Well, and there's a process too as a coach. If you're an NLP coach and you are working with someone, what are you trying to do for them? And why would someone come to you and say, all right, you know what, I need some help. Here's my situation, and you're going, okay, and LP is going to work for you, and I'm going to take you through some processes. Yeah, let me give you two stories. So the first story is something that happened today. Actually, well, there's kind of three, but the story that happened today is in NLP, there's some kind of interesting things you can do because you can reprogram the brain with the language that you use and the visuals that you use and your approach things.

7:37 And one of my clients has an allergy to eggs, and she really loves eggs, but she got some sort of a vaccine flu vaccine many years ago and since that time, she then couldn't eat eggs anymore, gave a terrible stomach ache and worse as well. And so's so I'm telling her about this is something I can do because I helped my daughter get rid of her allergies, I helped a client get rid of his allergy to palm oil, and there's other things that I've helped my clients with in regards to those things. So I told her, she's like, let's try it. And so one of the crazy things about NLP is is you're taking a disassociated look at yourself. So you're looking at your problem, your situation, and you're separating yourself from it. So an analogy of this would be journaling. When you journal, you're looking at your situation and you're separating yourself from it and writing about it. Well, I'm doing that in real time with someone as I guide them through the process. So I guided her through the process, and she's going to test those eggs tonight to see what happens, and she's going to be free of it. Is what's going to be the coolest part of it, because her brain has let go of that thought that she is allergic to eggs now.

8:48 So that do you do you find that that is an experience that she had in childhood? Is it? And we get real deep here, but is it potentially a DNA memory from past ancestors? What? What is it? And as you as you say you've helped some other people with allergies, when you get back to that area of you know, looking at what what is the primary reason that that even occurred, what do you usually find? Yeah, so if we go into kind of a deeper layer of this when it comes to work I do with my clients. One of the another story is a gentleman by the name of a first name Andrew, and he he came to me and he had one of those fidget spinners and he's just spinning it the whole time that we're talking, right, we're doing his his stuff, and he's just spinning this fidget spinner and he's got add self admitted. I don't know if it's self I don't know if it's self diagnosed or actually diagnosed, but he is just all over the place. And the thing about the NLP is you do get to the root.

9:53 And so there's a very specific process that I go through with my clients where I'm asking them if you knew where this issue arised, whatever the issue is, whatever the emotion is, or whatever the limiting belief is, if you knew what it was, and do you have a picture of that, Do you have an understanding where the root cause was? They get an idea of where that root cause is, and then, because you can't have emotions in the future, help them to get before that experience and behind it, Because any emotions that I have are only for now. If I'm thinking about something in the future, I'm anxious about it, that emotion is still happening now. And if I'm angry about something that happened in the past, that thing happened in the past. But my emotion can only be now. And so if I get my client to see their experience that root cause of that experience, maybe it was a trauma, somebody said something or did something that was difficult for them and it really kind of tweaked them and created this anger or the sadness or some sort of limiting belief. If you can see that disassociated watching yourself experience that like a movie, then your brain sees it in front of you in your future.

11:03 And since you can't have emotions in the future your brain, let's go of it, and let's go of the emotions and keeps the learning experience from it. And so I do this Go ahead, Yeah. Yeah, I was going to say. And oftentimes you reframe that experience or do you do that where you help them to reframe it from a third party aspect and realize that, you know, what I've been believing here is not really reality. What is reality is that this is what really happened, and that was not me it was For instance, I had a client that I did this with and we went back and we found out that it was his teacher as he was in early grade school that was in some respects emotionally abusing him. And when that changed, it made all the difference. So do you find that that's the case?

11:50 Yep, that's what happens. And most of the time they figure that out without too much guidance with me. From me, I usually help them to kind of get before the experience and then often you'll get that smile, or you'll get a laugh, or you'll get the shoulder relax or whatever. There's some sort of a physical change in the person that you can see and you know that they've learned the lesson, that they've let go of the emotions of lemning belief tied to it. They've learned the lesson, and then from there we're able to press forward with that specific emotion or learning belief through all the other experiences that also have that emotion or learning belief tied to it, And by the time you get to today, they've let go of all the past stuff, but they've learned everything from it. So I had this thought that I wasn't worthy of the mission that I've been given in life.

12:37 That was my hang up. That was a huge hang up for me when I was going through this process and when I finally got this release where generations ago, I saw two men fighting over a horse. Don't know what the heck that is. I wasn't alive, but that's what my mind brought to me. And whether it was symbolic or real didn't matter to me. But for me, it was this realization about it was about anger, and I was able to select. Actually, I think it might have been about guilt, but regardless, I was able to let go of that guilt and it freed me to let go of the present tense, the present time, guilt, and so lots of my clients have gone through that type of experience where they see some sort of a past event in their life or some metaphorical past event, and letting go of that experience and all the emotions tied to it frees them from it today, and then change can occur at that point. Real change that sticks then occurs at that point.

13:34 So what happened with Andrew. Yeah, so Andrew had to deal with some family stuff with that. So he dealt with the family stuff in his past and let go of the emotions tied to it, and then he pressed forward into dealing with how that was impacting him all the way up to today. Let go of those emotions, limiting beliefs, learned the lessons, and then we put it into his future, which just means basically, if you're going to experience something that would normally make you mad or normally make you sad or anxious, how do you now predict you're going to experience that? And he was able to realize that there was really kind of some silliness into the way that he thought he was going to perceive it. Okay, great, that's just imagination.

14:19 So let's fast forward two months later and we're having a conversation on a hike at five in the morning and he's telling me that, dude, my anxiety's gone. I'm calm, I'm at peace. When I have conversations with people have to interrupt them all the time, I can just wait. I can just wait for what they have to say. He's a real estate agent, they likes to talk, and like kind of has to prove himself a lot. And so he's telling me this on the hike and he's just at this way different state of mind because he the lessons he learned allowed him to just relax and he doesn't have to prove himself near as much anymore. And that changed his fidgeting, and that changed his anxiety, which allowed him to really let go of a lot of things. And now he and his girlfriend are working more effectively together in their business and he's kind of in the back burner now instead of having to be in the front and always getting attention. So it's really cool, he just told me, and I'm like, yeah, kind of to be expected, but it's really neat.

15:21 When you get to hear it and see it in someone well, and you know the reason I wanted to talk about. This is that I find that you know, as you know, as you've been on a bunch of podcasts, you know, there are a lot of things you can talk about about self help and you know, really trying to work through a lot of these type of things. But I personally have found the NLP if you can find a good practitioner that can really help you, it is a miraculous thing that can be done to really help you. So as the audience is listening and if they're experiencing some of these you know, challenges, you know, if they could find someone such as yourself and we'll talk about how they could reach you. You know, an NLP practitioner that really knows what they're doing. It's a way, it's a practical way to help them to start to do that internalization and release some of those things that are going on.

16:15 Yeah, I agree. I was working with this guy today and I was helping him with migraines, and so we were working through some conversation about it, and I helped them create a picture of what his migraine looks like. And so he created a picture of the color of the sound, the feel whatever, And then I said Okay, go ahead and hand it to me, said, give it to me so I can get rid of it. I can throw it out right. I was just kind of experimenting with him to see what was going to be most effective to help them let go of this thing. And he said, I'm getting a little emotional right now, and you know, I noted that in my brain, and we continued the process and we finished up. And that remains to be seen, right we have to see how that plays out for him. But it made me really that we hold onto stuff so tightly. That's so bad for us. And when you create a picture of what it is in your mind's eye of what it looks like to have a migraine, or what it looks like to be angry at someone, or what it looks like to be have a bad habit or whatever mindset's going on, that you don't want anymore when you create that image and then someone asks you, can you hand that to me?

17:22 Can you let that go? Is essentially what I was telling him, And he really couldn't in that right in that moment, he really couldn't. It was so tied to who he is and his identity that it was difficult for him to let it go. And I think that it's because it's all intertwined in our wiring, for lack of a better term, in our neurology. And until we kind of give ourselves permission to let it go, it's very difficult to let go of these bad mindsets and these bad habits. And then if you don't let them go, which is the you know you asked me about change, that's the release part. And until you release it, that first step of change, we're going to be kind of bouncing back and forth. We're going to be yo yoing like you do. Like some people do when they diet, you know, they lose the weight and they go back field habits, they gain it back, they lose the weight, back and forth. So we have to let go and then you can begin to get free and change your habits.

18:15 And so again step one is the release component of change. Well, and and you know that brings me to chapter three of your book, which I really loved, which as people start to recognize and actually go through a process like that, I think what happens is that they suddenly become aware that, all right, this is really what's happening subconsciously in my life and it's causing my perception of life and my behavior and all of those types of things. And then does that move them into what we would talk about as far as self awareness. Does it help them to get to the point where they're now becoming self aware? Yeah, I mean self awareness to me is simply hearing your inner voice, varing yourself and the way you talk to yourself. That's the very first part of it. And then you start to recognize the habits. Then you start to recognize your attitudes. There's a lot of things that come with that. I have five mindsets and five habits that are tied to it all. But that's the first component.

19:18 And then once you're aware of all those things and how you perceive yourself, how you perceive others, you're aware of your emotions. You know, your emotional intelligence rises. But now you're at a new level of awareness. You're in a new level of who you can be. So then you got to tap into accountability, You got to tap into that next level of locking it in, essentially locking in that self awareness at that new level, because you never end, you never end the increase in self awareness, but you've got to lock in at least that new level, which is where before I wrote that book, or I should say it this way, after I wrote that book, I actually got into the LP stuff. And so now I know how to make that self awareness happen a lot quicker, lock in the accountability a lot quicker, so that people can keep that keep the change instead of you know, having to fight so hard to stay self aware and keep that new level of change. And that's been that's been a really cool shift in my understanding of how those four pillars can be much more quickly worked through and cycled through because of an LP.

20:23 Well, and that's great, And so let's talk about those you said you had. You know, what is it? One, two, three, four five mindset? You've got the values, the humble, the patients, the trusting, the observant. Can you share with the audience what they are and explain a little bit about them? Sure? Yeah, So the values mindset is your filter, your filter for decision making. So you pick your values. You choose your values based based on kind of a deeper inner look at who you are and what's most important to you. And then those five to seven words, sometimes a few more, but five to seven words really determine the filter that you use for decision making, and then humility is accepting feedback. In short, is being able to see that you don't have it all figured out and that you know what, I need that feedback. I need to know where I stand within myself and how other people see me. Is kind of the simplest way to look at humility. Patience is pretty self explanatory, right, Being patient is very explanatory. But the way that I see it is it's not necessarily patience with others. It's patience with yourself because most people are really over controlling of themselves of situations, and I think this ties into anxiety and worry. Also, yes, we get so impatient with situations, We get so impatient with what's upcoming that you get the anxiety building and you get the worry building. And

21:55 so if you can just be patient with yourself in circumstances, which I'm not, that is my worst one for sure, then but when you can get there, then it's a lot easier to be aware of what's going on. Because back to the you can't have emotions in the future. If I'm constantly thinking about the future or frustrated about my past, I'm not present, and so I lose my patience because I'm trying. I'm focusing on the wrong thing, right, so I lose my patience. And then the trusting mindset is it's trusting your intuition, trusting yourself, trusting your emotions, trusting the the insights that you're getting. But primarily it's about that intuition and going hmm, what is my gut telling me? Is what is my unconscious telling me? And running with that. And then finally, observant mindset is it's about observing yourself and how well do you know your own body language? How well do you know your own tone of voice? Do you recognize how quickly you're speaking, do you recognize your nervousness, eye contact, There's just a lot of things that are happening when you observe yourself.

23:06 And then of course you can do the same as you observe other people. And I always recommend people check out DISK for a tool to help you be more observant of yourself and other people, just as a simple tool to give you a framework to use. Well. And yeah, and the disc you're talking about, the disk evaluation behavioral evaluation, right, yes, Yeah, And you know, and then to me, that is so amazing. It's such a good foundation, as you say, to be able to start to understand yourself and your values and if you do the real deep one where you really get into your values and what's motivating you and all those type of things and really starting to understand that, you can find yourself in those three different levels. You can be at that core personality, you can be what I refer to as the social or the mirror personality. How do I need to be in this situation? And then obviously you're conscious of how you're doing. So I love that.

24:02 So you talked about awareness, you talked about accountability, and as someone who's going through that process, then what's the next step once they have learned to become accountable for those feelings and for those issues. Yeah, so I talk about let me talk about accountability for a second, because I love to go through the accountability pass and I'll do it quick because it's super applicable for individuals. It's helpful in business for sure, but this is really applicable for individuals in any phase of life, whether they're running a business or on a team or whatever it is. So I talk about it as the accountability pass in the book. PASS is the acronym that I use in the book, and it's something that I kind of discovered as I reverse engineered how I keep myself accountable and then I stumbled upon research that proved it to work, which is usually as a reverse order, but Michigan State proved it to work, so I'm like, I'm going with it. But anyway, the P and accountability pass is passive passive accountability. Long story short here is you're telling what other people what you want to accomplish, or who you want to be. You're telling as many people as possible about this thing that you want to accomplish or who you want to be, and that creates this accountability because some of those people follow up with you.

25:27 If you tell thirty people, ten percent will follow up because most people don't care about you, let's be honest. So those ten percent, those three will ask you. You go to the gym, or you go to your workplace, or you talk to your spouse, and they'll say, hey, how's it going on achieving that weight loss goal, or how's it going on in opening that business or whatever the goal is, And that creates this little integrity check because you said you were going to do it, and now all of a sudden you've told a bunch of people, and a few people are following up with you. So if you want to stay in integrity, you better fricking do the thing right. So that's part of the kind of passed the passive part. The second component of the P is you create this goal that you want to accomplish, and you write it out as if you've already accomplished it.

26:11 So you write it out in present tense. I weigh this much, or I've accomplished this specific thing, or I'm on vacation because I've made this much money and I'm just hanging out and enjoying myself or whatever it is. Right, I've met the woman of my dreams. And that's the passive accountability or your brain because your mind doesn't know the difference between what is reality here and now and a very well constructed reality in your imagination, and so it goes after that constructed reality. So that's passive accountability. Active accountability is of the three that fall up with you, of the thirty you told you say, Joe, can you help keep me accountable with these goals? I'm trying to accomplish, and I'll help you with yours too. We can meet on a weekly or bi weekly basis to talk about it.

27:00 And that's something you can do on a fifteen minute phone call a zoom in person, and it has extreme power. This is how we did the men's mentoring program. Every week for one hour a week, we'd meet with the guys. We did other things with them, but that was the deepest change component. And I tell a long story in the book about this about some guy that was basically a mute that because I consistently met with them and I built that rapport and helped them stay accountable, he opened up and it changed huge things for him, and it changed my heart and life big time. So that's active accountability. The first S is structures, real simple, your to do list and your calendar of awareness and this new version of yourself.

27:43 I'm going to stop you. You cut out there. Could you say that sentence again? Yeah? So the first S in past is structures, and that's your calendar and your to do list, and essentially, this is your plan for how you're going to stay at that level of new self awareness that you have. Are you going to stay accountable to that new level and also to accomplishing the goals now that you can because you're at this new level, because you've let goal of all that head trash that was in the way before, and you're aware of it when it comes in, so you can drop it real quick too, right. And lastly, the second s is self accountability. So, doctor Doug, have you jumped out of an airplane before? Or zipline or.

28:26 No, that's something you'd have to work with me on a NLP. Okay, there's some fear there, so you know at some point when you're committing to something, when you've just let me say it this way, when you've decided to do something, if I'm in an airplane and I'm going to jump out, or if I'm on a zip line or a bungee cord, whatever, I've decided I'm going to do it. But I'm still let's go with the zipline. I'm still on the platform, right, I haven't started zipping down quote unquote. I'm still on the platform, so I can still quit. I can still say to the guy that took me up and say, hey, I'm too scared. I'm not going to do this. I've only decided I'm going to do it, but I haven't done the next component, which is commit And that's the commitment where you go and you step off the platform and you start zipping a thousand feet through the air above a tree canopy like my wife and I did in Costa Rica. Once I'm zipping down that line, I can't crawl back up. It's over. I am committed. And so whatever it takes for you as an individual, when you get to that new level of self awareness and you get to that new level of commitment and level of goals, what is that point of no return? That is the main and primary component, because that's the one that you one hundred percent control. Right, you do that and all of a sudden, I'm in.

29:52 I'm locked in. It's over, like I'm going to do this thing. So that's your accountability, pass passive, active structure himself. Okay, great, and you know you talk You used a couple of words, and I want to talk about it just a little bit if you don't mind. You talked about what you need to do and who you need to be, and have you really looked at that from the perspective of how often people are so focused on the doing that they forget that the most important thing is to be. I always use the reference of Christ, and I get I get into trouble all the time with this question. Did he do what he did to become Christ? Or did he do what he did because he was Christ? And what I find is so often people so focused on the doing. In my personal opinion is that as we become, our doing just becomes a natural process that follows who we are. Could you tell me your thoughts on that.

30:57 Yeah, one hundred percent. So when Jesus asked if he's God, basically he says that he is. He says, I Am, and that's those are the words that the Lord uses in the Old Testament to identify himself. He says that he is the I Am, and and I couldn't tell you what it is in that be Hebrew. I couldn't tell you those words in Hebrew, to be honest. But that's what God says in the Old Testament. And then Jesus says that in the New Testament. And then he also calls himself. He says, I am the way of the truth and the life. I am is also the way that we speak about ourselves, like you hear the language like I am a loser, or I am a winner, or I am a father, or whatever other language, I am a business hunt. You have all this I am stuff, and we're really hearkening back to the deeper identity that's rooted in us, that we were born with. And if you're not careful, you start putting the wrong identity on that.

31:56 You know, you start putting I am an alcoholic, which I don't like that language for people, right, Or I'm a drug addict, or I'm whateverl stupid, I'm all these other things, and then you start to identify with that. So we got to be real careful about that IM language and make sure we're choosing wisely the language of IM. So, for me, with my clients, once they let go of all the head trash and we do that release work through NLP and something called mental and emotional release is one of the primary techniques I use. But after we let go of all that head trash, then I have them create a personal avatar that they create for who they're going to be five to twenty years from now, and it's who they're going to be first, not what they're going to be doing, but who they're going to be.

32:46 And essentially it's a bunch of im statements and four components of life spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical. Who are you going to be in those four areas five to twenty years from now? You create that and they're all present tense forms because they're all I am statements, and then your brain, your unconscious mind, starts to pursue those I am statements and you're you're building this change into your life. You create the accountability around that. You make those decisions that have no point you can't you're that the as the I'm sorry where you can't return right there, it's over. You've committed. You get to those decisions where you just you're committed to it. And so that's how I approach the being part that I am part when I'm working with my clients and really for myself, and I'm trying with my kids. They're young, but I'm trying with my kids too well.

33:40 And you know, as as you say, as you're doing that and as you're writing down I am this, I am that, I like that, I'm going to have to try that. What happens is then at least I would think that now it's like, okay, I am. And then when you start to see a conflict of who quote you are versus you how you are behaving at that point in time, here comes the doing because now you can do what needs to be done to modify yourself to back to where you are where I am yep. And that's the growth piece, right, because you've got the self awareness, the being. You have the being part, and then you have the accountability the doing the doing part, and then the growing is the having part because if you have the the I am part, which is self awareness, and you have the accountability part, you automatically grow because there's no other option. You're going to grow. And sometimes it's uncomfortable because it's a whole new version of yourself and it's scary, but you're going to grow, so growing is automatic. That's why it's the having because you don't it's not something you're working for. You're just receiving it because you've done this previous work. So now I'm receiving it.

34:57 I'm having it. Uh oh, now I'm having it. So what do I need to do? I got to empower other people because I'm growing so much that I need to play that forward in other people's lives, and I might be growing my business a lot, I might be growing my family a lot, my community, whatever it is. So I got to rope in other people in the process. And ultimately, for me, that's the giving part, you know, be you do have and give. So I've doug the being, the doing, and the having. Now I get to do the giving. But what's beautiful is I empower so much that I my self awareness grows with that because as you empower more people, you have to become more self aware in order to do a really good job with them.

35:41 So you loop back around to self awareness again, which then means you have to have more accountability and better accountability, which then means you grow, which then means you get to empower more. And then it cycles around in this wonderful, beautiful cycle of personal development and development of others, and it becomes pretty automatic at a certain point. Once get rid of all that head trash, you start to loop around pretty quick because you notice when you start to carry the head trash because it feels heavy because before you carried so much baggage or head trash. There's a thousand pounds of it. If you add twenty pounds too. You don't know the difference if I'm carrying a thousand pounds in a car and I add twenty pounds or in a truck. The truck doesn't notice a twenty pound difference, and neither do we when we add twenty pounds of baggage.

36:25 But if you remove a thousand pounds and someone tries to dump twenty pounds on you, you feel it, and it's easy to say no to that trash. It's easy to say no to that baggage. And that's where I want my clients to get and that's where I want to get too, because it's way easier to not create those bad habits, create those bad mindsets. They're obvious at that point. Well, and I love it's just brilliant how you put that together with the awareness and the accountability, the growth, and then obviously giving back and empowering others. I think that is so fantastic. You know, there's another area, as I was reading some things that I want to talk about for a little bit of time, and that's because I find that so often people in their relationships have such a challenge because we really have not been taught how to communicate and oftentimes we're not even aware that you know there as you as you know there are three different types of communication and maybe even a fourth.

37:34 Would you share with the audience as you talk about the Blue Shirt leaders, you know, what are the three v's of communication? And then talk about how the percentages are and then what is the fourth channel that has to be so important? Yeah? So I know I alliterated it, so I might not be able to do the literation part. But you've got the vocal, the visual, and the verbal right because I alliterated it to make it easy to remember. But I'm forgetting, can you okay? So you got the verbal, the vocal, the visual, and you need the percentages or you know the percent okay, okay. Yes, So when you break that down, the visual is your body language, and when it comes to the meaning of communication, fifty five percent of our communication is in the body. In the body language. So the way that I'm leaning my shoulders towards you, the way that my hands are moving, my body stance. You know, I'm in a pretty comfortable, relaxed stance. There's all kinds of things happening in my body language in years as well. That's most of our communication, it's more than half of our communication.

38:45 Then you get to the tone or the or the verbal and that's thirty eight percent. So this is this is the way that people say things, not what they're saying, but the way they say it. And this is where I think a lot of people get in trouble. They get in trouble with themselves the way they put tone of voice towards themselves. I'm such an idiot, you know. Or they get in trouble with other people and they snap at them with these real quick words. It doesn't even matter what the words are, because that's only seven percent of the communication. But because it's the quick snap and the tone that comes out of it, the kid picks it up. I'll tell you a quick story. So I was downstairs making breakfast. I usually make breakfast for my family. My kids were getting ready upstairs for school.

39:32 I'm downstairs and I'm in a mood. Don't ask me why, but I'm it's it's PMS. Okay, it's piste off man stage. Okay, PMS. Right, men have it too. So I'm in my PMS and I'm grumpy. And my. Middle kiddo, yeah, my middle kiddo comes downstairs and she says something and I just snap at her. I just say, I don't know Haley, like something silly like that, just real short, that's all tone. I don't know Haley. And then she looks at me and gets kind of grumpy and mad at me. Well that happens, and then all of a sudden, down the stairs comes my youngest and as Haley's kind of snapping at me, Lydia, my youngest snaps at Haley because Haley snapping at me, and she picks up on the energy of that. And then as that's happening, here comes my oldest Antalie's down the stairs, walks into the room and then she's like instantly grumpy at me because of whatever the heck's going on in the kitchen and how she's like a little bit tardy to breakfast. And I haven't said a word at this point since I first got grumpy at Haley. And I realized in the middle of all this, this is like literally ten seconds of this disaster that I have created, I go, this is my fault. In my head, this is my fault. This is silly, And so I said something to I think it was to Haley, the first daughter, and I kind of made her giggle and then and then I think I like kind of playfully pushed her tickled lydia and then Analis relaxed at that point, and then I turned on some music and everything was fine.

41:04 But I totally set the tone in a terrible way by one comment. One comment completely ruined the whole morning, at least for a minute or two. And so this is the one that's so easy to miss, but people catch it. People catch your body language too, but they catch the tone real fast. We're very in tune to tone, all right. And then onto the words. Words is the things that you say, obviously, and that's your seven percent, so it doesn't Those are very minimal in terms of the meaning of communication. The meaning in communication, so verbal vocal or visual.

41:46 Vocal and verbal okay, And then there's a fourth one you say that most people really are not aware of. Yeah, yeah, So now we're talking about intuition, and what's intuition, Okay, what's intuition? Intuition is that gut feeling where you were I call it a thought that's not my own. And those were there were several of those today when I was working with my clients just for whatever reason today, there's a lot of intuition happening for me and I. In the book, if I remember correctly, in the book, I challenged people to figure out where it's coming from. You know, for some it might be coming from their gut, for others, it could be coming from some like their chest.

42:28 Some people experience it in various places. For me, I actually experienced it outside of myself. I experienced it just kind of just a little bit above my head for lack of a better way to explain it. And it's like, it's this thought that comes to me that's not mine. I know it's not my thought, and so I just trust it. I've used it enough now that I just trust it and I run with it. And it's rarely a miss. And so honing in on your intuition where it's your gut instinct is another way to look at it. That's the fourth type of communication. That's you could call it spiritual feel want. It's outside of self in a way. So those are the four. Okay, so we've got that going. But then, and we're not going to have a lot of time on this, but just in general, when we start to communicate with someone.

43:17 How important is it? Because you know, in fact, as we're sitting here talking and I caught myself thinking, all right, what am I going to say next? And I'm going wait to wait, wait a minute, I've got to really listen to Kyle and understand what he's saying, and then naturally a question will come. How often does that happen where we someone's communicating to us and we're really not understanding what they're trying to say. Sure, I believe the more times that the person that is speaking to you says, the more they have been interrupted in their life and not been able to not be given a chance to share the real thought and heart.

44:01 UM to me is a way to tell someone else to shut up, I'm not done. And you hear it the ums and the uzz all the time from people, because so few people can actually finish a thought without getting interrupted. In ninety seconds, men interrupt women two point three times. In ninety seconds, women interrupt men two point one times, so every forty five seconds you're being interrupted. You can't finish a thought often in forty five seconds. So there's a book called Words Can Change Your Brain, and they challenge you to speak in thirty seconds or less. And I'm not doing that right now because I'm explaining things in more detail, right and so I'm not doing that.

44:47 But this week and my wife and I really put it to the test. And there's another challenge in there that says, speak no more than one sentence at a time, and speak it slowly. So we sat on our lawn and our chairs in the sun and we just started talking one and it ended up being about two sentences at a time, two sentences. And even if the thoughts not complete, you shut up and you wait, and they know your thoughts not complete, and so they ask you a question to help you complete your not to help you complete your thought, but they ask you to just basically go on. And it was this beautiful experience. And we ended up having kind of a shallow conversation, a medium conversation, and a deep conversation in the midst of this fifteen minute experience. And we've, you know, we've had those types of conversations before, but not quite so intentionally.

45:35 So what do you do to not interrupt? I could give you another acronym if you want, I have another. Acronym for you. I wish we could and so what I'm going to ask you to do is, yeah, we're at time. Unfortunately, I'm thinking we could go on for another hour. But number one, as you think about what is the message you'd like to share with the audience, what would that be. Yeah, I've been a bad example today because I've talked so much. But what I want to share is ask open ended questions and be willing to wait even up to thirty seconds for someone to respond. Give people that courtesy of asking them a curious, open question and waiting for them to think and respond, because you're serving them by helping them become more self aware, and you're empowering them because you're helping them to think. So that is what I would suggest people do if they really want to become more self aware themselves, empower other people, and really respect and honor the thoughts of someone else.

47:00 I love it. I love it. Hey, Kyle, this has been an amazing conversation. I really appreciate it. How do people find you? How do they find your book? Sure? Yeah, go to Gillette Solutions. So my last name is Gilette Solutions dot com. And then the book is on Amazon and Barnes and Noble all those other places, but you can download it for free. I'm giving away the ebook for free on my website, so Gelette Solutions dot Com slash book or just click the book link and you can get a free reading of the book to learn about what I'm up to and what's in there. And then you'll get a series from me and some invites to have a free conversation with me and learn more about what's going on in my world and I'll learn more about what's going on in yours. Well, I have to tell you this has been amazing for me. I think the way that you have put things together and organized it in your four pillars and all of those type of things are so valuable and I really appreciate it. And obviously you are at the point of you are empowering other people, because you've certainly empower powered me today. So I thank you for that.

48:02 Thank you you, beat and folks, thanks for listening. I hope you've really enjoyed this and I look forward to having you join us again soon. This is a doctor Duck saying no Mista