March 10, 2025

The 5 Components of Love: Building Healthy Relationships That Last

The 5 Components of Love: Building Healthy Relationships That Last

Dr. Doug welcomes Mark Hicks, counselor, therapist, and author of Learning Love, to discuss the 5 essential components of love—grief, emotion, practicality, acceptance, and passion. Learn how these principles can help anyone build meaningful, thriving...

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Dr. Doug welcomes Mark Hicks, counselor, therapist, and author of Learning Love, to discuss the 5 essential components of love—grief, emotion, practicality, acceptance, and passion. Learn how these principles can help anyone build meaningful, thriving relationships at home, work, and beyond. Gain insights on overcoming toxic relationships, embracing self-love, and rediscovering joy in life. Discover the power of love as a learned skill for a life of connection and happiness.

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This program is designed to provide general information with regards

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to the subject matters covered. This information is given with

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the understanding that neither the hosts, guests, sponsors, or station

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are engaged in rendering any specific and personal medical, financial,

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legal counseling, professional service, or any advice.

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You should seek the services.

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Of competent professionals before applying or trying any suggested ideas.

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At the end of the day, it's not about what

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you have or even what you've accomplished. It's about what

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you've done with those accomplishments. It's about who you've lifted up,

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who you've made better. It's about what you've given back.

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Denzel Washington, Welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is

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to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you

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to do the same.

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Mark, welcome to the show. Thank you so glad to

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be here.

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Hey, I'm excited to have you on this show.

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Interesting topic, and it's interesting how you've kind of narrowed

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things down to a singular type of topic to some

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degree at least.

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But what I'd love for you to do is share

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with the audiage your journey.

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You know, was there an aha moment that brought you

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to this point or what brought you to the point

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of you're writing the book and you're really focusing in

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this area.

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Yeah, there's really three paths that have led me to

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this point of writing the book Learning Love. One is

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I'm a counselor a therapist. I have a master's degree

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in mental health counseling, and in the world of counseling,

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what we deal with mostly is relationships, whether it's a

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relationship with ourselves or a relationship at home, at the

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things going on at work, whatever connections we have in life,

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that's usually where we focus in the area of counseling.

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My other professional track is in the area of spirituality

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and theology, and in that area we deal with relationships,

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relationship with ourselves, relationship with other people, relationship with God,

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relationship with the humanity. And so those two professional tracks

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led me in that area, but probably most importantly, my

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personal experience led me down this road. I was raised

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a healthy, happy, thriving family, wonderful childhood parents who always

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loved me and treated me well, and I grew up

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thinking that that's just how relationships work, that this is easy.

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We know what's the problem, and that led me into

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a lot of naive decisions as an early adult, and

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I ended up in a very toxic first marriage, terrible experience,

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ended in divorce. Still have the emotional scars to prove

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that one. And that really led me to a place

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of asking a lot of questions. Didn't fully understand it

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at the time, but looking back, I can see those

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seats planet of just wondering is love even possible? Doesn't

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even exist? Is it just for somebody who's lucky, who

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happens to stumble into it and meet that perfect person?

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Is it really something that we all can have? And

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that type of question is what is love? And how

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do we live that out in a realistic way in

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our lives led me into wanting to understand what love is.

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And that's what my book's about. From my counseling background,

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from a theological standpoint, and from my personal experience and

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those deep questions that I was sort of pushed into asking,

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I came to this place that I could write the

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book Learning Love, building a life that matters and healthy

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relationships that last. And in that book, I teach the

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five components of love, and if we learn and practice

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these five components, anybody can build healthy, happy, thriving relationships,

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even if you come from a dysfunctional family, even if

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you've been through a divorce, even if you've been through

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some sort of relationship trauma. Because what I have come

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to understand, and what I want everyone to understand, is

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that love is a learned skill set. It is something

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that we learn. Now, if you came up in a

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healthy family, you've probably learned a lot of it before

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you even remember learning it. You learned it as an infant,

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as a child. You were taught good things growing up,

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but you still learned it, and that means you can

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learn it later if you need to. There are five

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components of love. You learn these five components, put them

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into practice every day in your relationships, both at home

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and at work. You can build healthy relationships. Now, obviously

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the relationship you have with the spouse is different than

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those you have at work, but right the foundational components

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for building those relationships are the same.

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Okay, And you know you talk about some research that's

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been done that talks about loneliness and how that's affecting people.

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Share with the audience a little bit what that research

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is and what you have discovered.

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With that, and then we'll get into some of the

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other stuff a little bit later.

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Okay, Yeah, The Surgeon General of the United States I

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actually put out a report a couple of years ago

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about the loneliness epidemic. He called it, so there's a

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public health crisis that we have come to a place

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in our society. And while that report was about the

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United States, I don't think it's limited to the US.

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I think this is a global phenomenon because of the

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pandemic because of social media in some ways, and I

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don't want to criticize social media. There's a lot of

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good things that come from that, but one of the

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unintended consequences is that we have a lot of acquaintances

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but no one that really knows us. And there's a

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lot of eminemity, and people can say a lot of

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stuff we know without real consequence, and we can be

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whatever we want to be but not really ourselves on

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social media. And so these type of phenomenons have all

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kind of merged into a life of loneliness that we

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may be in a crowd of people. We may have

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a lot of acquaintances, we may know a lot of

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people at work, we may have a lot of contacts

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on social media, but we may still be lonely in

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that crowd and making real connections, learning what love really is,

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whether it's love for family or the type of love

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we have for coworkers and neighbors and friends, different type

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of love, but still a connection and an important connection

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that we have. Learning how to do that has become

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sort of a lost art. We don't have those type

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of connections enough in our lives and we need to

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relearn how to build those real connections of thriving relationships.

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All right, And you know, you.

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Talk about the word love, and obviously it can have

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different meanings, and you kind of alluded to that, But

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what is your definition? I mean, here's your book, you know,

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Learning Love, But what that's that's a very general statement.

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What is your definition of love? So the audience really

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understands what we're talking about here.

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Yeah, I'm using love as a learned skill set. It

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is something we can do. And those five components are

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what love is. It is the practice that we put

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in place. It does seem like love and the discussion

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of love is a million moving parts and there's so

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many mysteries involved in it. And what I want to

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do is boil it down to those five components to

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understand that love these connections that we make, love being

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a connection that we have in our life that is

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important to us, and a relationship that is important to us,

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and that love is a learned skill set that can

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be practiced like all other skills, and we get better

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at it as we go. We've treated love as if

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it's some type of mystery. We treat love as if

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the only people that can speak of it are poets

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and songwriters, and they do a beautiful job describing the

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aspects of love. But what I want to do is

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define love as that learned skill set that it's not

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just in the language of poets and songwriters, that is

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something all of us can actually practice and develop in

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our life.

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Yeah, and you know it's interest.

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I mean, I mean, here we have what is it now,

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it's sixty to fifty sixty percent divorce rate at least

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in the US. And you you brought up the point

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that you came up in a very healthy family and

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so on and so forth, and yet you still made

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that major mistake. And we have all made these mistakes

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more than once sometimes and it takes a while to

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figure out why So what is it that can be

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done for our young people to be able to learn

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how to make good choices? And I'm assuming the that's

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part of the components there, But how do they make

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sure that.

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They make good choices so they avoid.

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That situation where they end up in a relationship, they

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get out of it and they finally get right back

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into another one like that, and so on and so forth,

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and all of a sudden start to really feel like

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a failure, when in fact it's just a matter of

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they've not learned some principles.

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Yeah, I think what happens is that people tend to

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know one or two or three of the components of

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love pretty naturally, especially if they grew up in a

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family that was healthy, and even if they didn't, a

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lot of times you pick up one or two just instinctively.

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These things come natural to some of us, and we assume,

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then that's what love is, that this is it, this

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is what love is, and this is how we practice

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it and we get out into the world and that

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doesn't actually always work, and we wonder what's wrong, And

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the reality is, it may not be wrong. What we're

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doing may be right, but it's just not enough that

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we really need all five of the components of love.

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And what we tend to do then is if we

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are practicing love the way our family did, and that's

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the way we know how, and hopefully that has certain

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elements of love to it. If we raised in a

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very dysfunctional or abuse of family, we may just be

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repeating generational abuse. But if we were raised in a

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healthy family, or even partially so, then we may they

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know one or two or three aspects of what love is,

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these components and be practicing those and think, well, I'm

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doing it right, so it must be my partner that's wrong.

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And we sometimes start to point fingers at other people

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and if everybody else could just get their act together,

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I'd be fine. And we look at people at work,

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and we look at people in our family, and we

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look at our own spouse sometimes and we wonder what's

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wrong with them, and the fact is they may not

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have anything wrong either. Now, there are abusers in the world,

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don't get me wrong. There are people that are toxic

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and they're abusive, and we were never meant to be abused.

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And some relationships do have to end. I do not

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believe every relationship can be saved. Even though I'm a

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relationship coach, even though I'm a therapist and come from

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a theological background, a spiritual background, people sometimes assume that

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about me, that I believe every relationship can be saved

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in theory, if everyone's a good person, everyone's practicing five

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components of love, everyone's putting the effort in and practicing love,

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then yes, theoretically, but that's the reality is some people

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are abuse and we were never meant to be abused.

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So some relationships do have to end, but not fifty

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sixty percent of marriages in the US. No, Okay, we

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can build these relationships. We have to know all five

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all right.

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And so here's the question, you know, what is the outcome?

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I think about this and think, all right, we're talking

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about love, and you know, you mentioned you're talking about

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love in the workplace.

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You're talking about just love with friends, love.

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In connections and so forth, love and relationships, which we've

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just kind of been focusing on. But what is the

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outcome if I'm able to take those five components and

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ultimately really bring them into my life and in my soul,

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and it becomes who I am, and therefore my behavior.

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Reflects that then what am I going to experience? What

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is the ultimate experience that I'm going to have? And

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to me, that.

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Becomes the reason why we need to focus so much

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on what you're talking about.

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Exactly right. And there was a study that asked asked

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the question. In fact, it came out of Harvard. It

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was an eighty year study. Over the course of eighty years,

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they followed people asking one question what makes people happy?

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And the results after an eighty year study where relationships,

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healthy thriving relationships make people happy above everything else, you mean,

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rich or poor. You can have hardships in your life,

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and everyone has hardships in their life to some extent

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or another. There's no escaping that we're all gonna have

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difficult times along the way. We're gonna have good times

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along the way through all ups and downs of life.

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What truly made people happy were healthy, thriving relationships.

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And that goes beyond that goes beyond marriage.

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That it does go beyond marriage. And that's why I

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emphasized that yes, it's marriage is important, or romantic partnerships,

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those are important, Families important, but friends are important. Loving

242
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what you do for a living and loving the people

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that you do that appreciating them Again, different type of love,

244
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but it's still a deep appreciation and connection and friendship

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with the people you work side by side with every

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day to fulfill your vocational goals. All these relationships are important.

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And when we have those healthy relationships in our life, family, friends,

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co workers, that's what builds happiness. The outcome. It's a

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wonderful question, you ask, what's the outcome? The outcome is

250
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a happy life.

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Well, and you know in the US we have the

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one word in Greek they have what five is it

253
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five components.

254
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Of love or there's there's there's the various words in

255
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Greek for love and most and most languages do have

256
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more than one for love. And yes, unfortunately in English

257
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we have one. And so we'll use the same word

258
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for our spouse as we use for co workers, as

259
00:13:51.519 --> 00:13:55.320
we use for corn bread, because we have an affection

260
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for all of these things. And uh, you know, it's

261
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it's steel important to understand. Yes, there's different types, but

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what I always love to emphasize is that regardless of

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the personal connection you're talking about, the core components of

264
00:14:10.840 --> 00:14:13.960
love are the same. It manifest different ways, but it

265
00:14:14.039 --> 00:14:16.039
are all we can build a relationship in every area.

266
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So if you're like you know, I may have a

267
00:14:18.200 --> 00:14:20.399
good home life, but I'm struggling at work. These still

268
00:14:20.759 --> 00:14:22.759
that the components of love still work.

269
00:14:23.159 --> 00:14:25.879
Okay, so we keep talking about the five components. Let's

270
00:14:25.879 --> 00:14:28.440
get into it. What's your opponent number one?

271
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This one surprises people. The first component of love is grief,

272
00:14:33.559 --> 00:14:35.879
because you're not going to get through life without scars.

273
00:14:36.360 --> 00:14:38.480
Everyone thinks about love and we think we're going to

274
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talk about bubblegum and butterflies. Everything's sweet and beautiful, and

275
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we get to that. That is definitely part of it,

276
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but one of the things that happens in life. Because

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life is hard and we go through difficult times. When

278
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we get hurt, there is an instinct for a lot

279
00:14:54.159 --> 00:14:56.519
of us to start putting up emotional walls, to put

280
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up barriers, to keep people in arms linked to protect

281
00:14:59.159 --> 00:15:03.799
ourselves from getting hurt. Particularly if we did come from

282
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an abusive childhood or dysfunction, or we were hurt as

283
00:15:07.279 --> 00:15:10.879
a child in some way, It is natural to put

284
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up those defenses and to keep people out. While that

285
00:15:14.600 --> 00:15:18.320
makes logical sense, it doesn't actually work for building a

286
00:15:18.399 --> 00:15:21.120
life that is a happy, healthy life. We get rid

287
00:15:21.120 --> 00:15:24.039
of the connections we need and want because we're trying

288
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to protect ourselves. Grief, while it's painful, is a healer.

289
00:15:28.200 --> 00:15:31.200
It's our comeback story. It's a way to heal from

290
00:15:31.200 --> 00:15:34.639
the hurts of life, to stay connected. Some things are

291
00:15:34.679 --> 00:15:37.000
so painful in life that it's like it leaves a

292
00:15:37.000 --> 00:15:39.200
hole in our heart. But what I want people to

293
00:15:39.200 --> 00:15:40.759
know is you can live a really good life with

294
00:15:40.840 --> 00:15:43.240
a whole in your heart. That we can go from

295
00:15:43.320 --> 00:15:46.799
the hurts of life and stay connected and still love

296
00:15:46.960 --> 00:15:50.440
and still have great relationships at home, at work, with friends.

297
00:15:50.759 --> 00:15:52.759
Even though we may live our whole life for the

298
00:15:52.799 --> 00:15:55.720
whole in our heart, we still have the capacity for love.

299
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But we have to heal and that comes through grief.

300
00:15:58.799 --> 00:16:00.399
Okay, and you talk about that.

301
00:16:00.519 --> 00:16:03.279
You know, I'm in Thailand right now. We've figured out

302
00:16:03.320 --> 00:16:07.279
the time difference there. But you know, it's interesting. So

303
00:16:07.559 --> 00:16:11.360
as I've come here, I love theology, and so I've

304
00:16:11.440 --> 00:16:14.360
studied a bit about Buddhism, just because I'm living among

305
00:16:14.480 --> 00:16:18.200
people and it's about ninety eight percent Buddhists here. And

306
00:16:18.960 --> 00:16:22.120
it's interesting that he talks about suffering, and he talks

307
00:16:22.159 --> 00:16:25.519
about the whole goal. And I would say suffering grief

308
00:16:25.759 --> 00:16:31.440
probably good synonyms, but basically that he works with people

309
00:16:31.639 --> 00:16:36.399
or he did helping them to understand that they can move.

310
00:16:36.399 --> 00:16:40.000
From suffering to not suffering. And it doesn't mean that

311
00:16:40.039 --> 00:16:40.720
they don't.

312
00:16:40.559 --> 00:16:44.799
Experience those grieful situations, they don't experience those difficult times,

313
00:16:45.200 --> 00:16:50.440
but somehow their response emotionally internally is they're no longer

314
00:16:50.960 --> 00:16:53.000
allowing themselves to suffer.

315
00:16:53.759 --> 00:16:56.000
Okayactly, that's what you're talking about.

316
00:16:56.080 --> 00:17:02.559
So with component one, how do people overcome or allow

317
00:17:02.919 --> 00:17:06.359
those experiences that cause grief and what they're failing grief

318
00:17:06.759 --> 00:17:12.720
to become a situation where they are not experiencing the

319
00:17:12.799 --> 00:17:17.880
emotional hardship of grief but rather, as you say, experiencing

320
00:17:17.920 --> 00:17:23.119
it as a teaching opportunity, a gratitude opportunity, those type

321
00:17:23.119 --> 00:17:23.400
of things.

322
00:17:23.480 --> 00:17:25.359
How do you help people do that?

323
00:17:26.039 --> 00:17:28.799
It is a process, and it's important to understand that

324
00:17:28.960 --> 00:17:30.720
it is not something that we're going to get just

325
00:17:30.720 --> 00:17:33.400
by picking up ourselves by our bootstraps and gritting our

326
00:17:33.440 --> 00:17:36.359
teeth and leaning into the storm. That's not how it works,

327
00:17:36.359 --> 00:17:38.400
and so many people try to do that. But it's

328
00:17:38.440 --> 00:17:40.079
not a matter of being tough. It is a matter

329
00:17:40.079 --> 00:17:42.319
of healing. It is a matter of going through that

330
00:17:42.400 --> 00:17:46.000
grief process to get to that place where we can

331
00:17:46.119 --> 00:17:49.160
live that good life despite the scars of life. And

332
00:17:49.200 --> 00:17:52.559
one of the things that I push a lot is

333
00:17:52.640 --> 00:17:54.839
to make sure you don't try to do that alone.

334
00:17:55.440 --> 00:17:58.559
Get help with that, particularly from a professional. I'm an

335
00:17:58.559 --> 00:18:02.400
advocate that everyone should have a counselor or coach or

336
00:18:02.440 --> 00:18:05.519
someone in their life, a therapist, someone in their life

337
00:18:05.559 --> 00:18:09.680
that can help them in that process because there are

338
00:18:09.799 --> 00:18:12.480
state are there is a process of grief. I started

339
00:18:12.480 --> 00:18:15.400
to say stages of grief because that's a common term,

340
00:18:15.400 --> 00:18:17.640
but it's not a great one because that gives the

341
00:18:17.640 --> 00:18:21.400
impression where it's a stairstap process and it's not a

342
00:18:21.720 --> 00:18:25.279
It is a cumbersome process, and you need help with that.

343
00:18:25.759 --> 00:18:28.359
It can be complex, and you're gonna feel different things

344
00:18:28.400 --> 00:18:30.160
every day, and you're gonna feel good some days and

345
00:18:30.160 --> 00:18:33.119
then fall back into feeling bad and that's okay. Get

346
00:18:33.160 --> 00:18:35.839
help with that because there is a process of healing,

347
00:18:36.119 --> 00:18:38.200
but it's not one that we tend to do alone.

348
00:18:38.400 --> 00:18:41.279
It's one that we do with help. And family and

349
00:18:41.279 --> 00:18:44.960
friends can be helpful, but particularly get that professional help,

350
00:18:45.240 --> 00:18:48.039
Get that therapist, get that grief coach or spiritual guidance

351
00:18:48.119 --> 00:18:51.519
or something in your life that can help you in

352
00:18:51.559 --> 00:18:55.319
that grief process because everyone goes through it uniquely. We

353
00:18:55.359 --> 00:18:58.640
can talk about the process generally, but everyone goes through

354
00:18:58.640 --> 00:19:01.119
it uniquely, and you need people in your life that

355
00:19:01.200 --> 00:19:04.119
can help you going through that process of healing.

356
00:19:05.039 --> 00:19:08.680
Okay, and I'm going to ask the question again. All right,

357
00:19:08.720 --> 00:19:11.559
I've just had an experience that I haven't but we're

358
00:19:11.559 --> 00:19:13.960
going to say. You know, I'm calling you, you're my therapist.

359
00:19:14.359 --> 00:19:18.000
I've just had a horrible experience and I'm experiencing tremendous grief.

360
00:19:18.720 --> 00:19:21.079
How are you gonna help me overcome that? What are

361
00:19:21.119 --> 00:19:23.000
some of the basic steps? And as you say, it's

362
00:19:23.119 --> 00:19:26.599
very individual, but some of the basic steps, how are

363
00:19:26.640 --> 00:19:28.920
you going to help me to start to overcome that grief?

364
00:19:29.839 --> 00:19:31.000
Of the if you want to get to the very

365
00:19:31.000 --> 00:19:33.640
basics of that grief process, one is talk about it.

366
00:19:34.400 --> 00:19:37.799
And so many people don't want to open up. They

367
00:19:37.799 --> 00:19:39.559
feel like, well, I don't need to tell that story

368
00:19:39.599 --> 00:19:42.359
because it happened and is done. You'd be amazed what

369
00:19:42.480 --> 00:19:44.839
happens when you have to tell the story to someone else,

370
00:19:45.160 --> 00:19:48.240
going to a therapist, just telling them the story so

371
00:19:48.319 --> 00:19:52.759
they understand it has amazing healing effects, and that is

372
00:19:52.839 --> 00:19:54.480
hard for a lot of people to grasp, Well, what

373
00:19:55.160 --> 00:19:56.240
good is it going to do for me to talk

374
00:19:56.240 --> 00:19:59.119
about it? And I say, don'tknock it till you've tried it.

375
00:19:59.119 --> 00:20:02.359
It is amazing what happens when we speak something aloud,

376
00:20:02.680 --> 00:20:05.680
when we write things down, such as journaling. When we

377
00:20:05.720 --> 00:20:09.400
start doing those type of things, it gets those emotions

378
00:20:09.480 --> 00:20:12.119
out in a way that is different than keeping them in.

379
00:20:12.160 --> 00:20:14.440
So that's one of the reasons that that therapy is

380
00:20:14.440 --> 00:20:18.720
so important because it does require talking, it does require

381
00:20:19.000 --> 00:20:22.839
getting the story out. The other thing that happens in

382
00:20:22.880 --> 00:20:27.200
that process that in that counseling process is that once

383
00:20:27.240 --> 00:20:30.799
we've told the story, we have a tendency to get

384
00:20:30.839 --> 00:20:35.319
something in our minds and it's uh, it gets set.

385
00:20:35.519 --> 00:20:38.079
We say to ourselves so many times over and over

386
00:20:38.119 --> 00:20:41.279
again that it becomes our reality. And one of the

387
00:20:41.319 --> 00:20:45.440
things that helps is to hear a different perspective. I'll

388
00:20:45.440 --> 00:20:47.720
give a very simple example. It is easy if we're

389
00:20:47.720 --> 00:20:51.400
going through a tough time to think to ourselves, I'm

390
00:20:51.440 --> 00:20:54.559
never going to be happy again, and we get into

391
00:20:54.599 --> 00:20:57.440
that mindset where that becomes something that we just believe

392
00:20:57.519 --> 00:20:59.960
is true and I am never going to be happy again.

393
00:21:00.720 --> 00:21:03.720
But when we start to analyze that, we start to

394
00:21:03.720 --> 00:21:07.240
really look at that is that is that really the truth?

395
00:21:08.039 --> 00:21:12.839
And while we while we can think that and while

396
00:21:12.839 --> 00:21:15.599
it seems that way, that is not the reality. The

397
00:21:15.640 --> 00:21:17.400
reality is We're going to have good times and bad

398
00:21:17.400 --> 00:21:20.279
times again, because that's what life is. And that's just

399
00:21:20.319 --> 00:21:24.200
a couple of the aspects of that counseling process of

400
00:21:24.359 --> 00:21:28.559
kind of getting into a different mindset, of challenging some

401
00:21:28.680 --> 00:21:30.920
of the things that we instinctively just grab hope to.

402
00:21:31.319 --> 00:21:33.759
I'm never gonna be happy again, I'm never gonna smile again,

403
00:21:33.839 --> 00:21:37.119
my life is over. Seems like it feels like it,

404
00:21:37.240 --> 00:21:39.839
but not actually the reality. And as we talk through

405
00:21:39.839 --> 00:21:42.759
the story and we start getting new perspectives, we actually

406
00:21:42.759 --> 00:21:47.640
start finding some healing that that doesn't really seem like

407
00:21:47.720 --> 00:21:50.000
it would help, but it does. Well. I had a

408
00:21:50.000 --> 00:21:53.000
guy come to me one time that was grieving and

409
00:21:53.039 --> 00:21:55.680
he had been basically been pushed into it by his wife,

410
00:21:56.039 --> 00:21:58.200
and he said, I know what you're gonna say already,

411
00:21:58.559 --> 00:21:59.960
and I said, okay, well tell me what I'm gonna

412
00:22:00.440 --> 00:22:02.559
and he lays out some things that you get from

413
00:22:02.599 --> 00:22:06.759
television hearing you know, therapists talk on TV and movies,

414
00:22:06.960 --> 00:22:09.519
the stereotypes, and I said, no, it's not at all

415
00:22:09.519 --> 00:22:11.119
what I was thinking about saying. Can I say what

416
00:22:11.160 --> 00:22:13.079
I was actually thinking? And he said sure. So I

417
00:22:13.160 --> 00:22:15.920
talked about some things and I said, is that what

418
00:22:15.960 --> 00:22:18.759
you expected? And he said no, I said, is that

419
00:22:18.799 --> 00:22:21.680
at all helpful? He's actually it's extremely helpful. And so

420
00:22:21.920 --> 00:22:24.279
people that are hesitant to go to counseling, hesitant to

421
00:22:24.279 --> 00:22:28.200
tell their story, hesitant to get out of mindset that

422
00:22:28.240 --> 00:22:31.279
they currently have, I say, just try it. It's not

423
00:22:31.319 --> 00:22:33.880
what you think it is. And so the healing process

424
00:22:33.960 --> 00:22:36.799
can actually be a very powerful thing in counseling and

425
00:22:36.880 --> 00:22:40.680
therapy and with coaching. It's just a matter of having

426
00:22:40.720 --> 00:22:42.839
the courage to try it, even though we may not

427
00:22:43.039 --> 00:22:44.480
understand where we're going to end up.

428
00:22:44.839 --> 00:22:46.799
Okay, good grief, all right. Number two.

429
00:22:47.519 --> 00:22:50.240
The second one is emotion. This is what everyone everyone

430
00:22:50.319 --> 00:22:52.680
thinks of when you think about love. You think about

431
00:22:52.680 --> 00:22:56.759
the emotional connection of those those special moments, those feelings

432
00:22:56.759 --> 00:22:59.680
of love that we have. Again, the feelings are different

433
00:22:59.680 --> 00:23:02.119
for or co workers, but we still have those moments

434
00:23:02.119 --> 00:23:05.759
of deep appreciation and really just connection with those people

435
00:23:05.799 --> 00:23:08.799
as well. And For some people this comes naturally. We

436
00:23:08.839 --> 00:23:12.079
don't have to really teach them. They express emotion very well.

437
00:23:12.160 --> 00:23:16.559
They enjoy the emotional side of life, and they don't

438
00:23:16.599 --> 00:23:18.400
really have to be taught how to do that. But

439
00:23:18.440 --> 00:23:22.200
there's other people that struggle. Some people, emotion is difficult

440
00:23:22.240 --> 00:23:25.319
for them to express. They're more cerebral, they're more introverted.

441
00:23:25.359 --> 00:23:28.920
It's not easy for them to show emotion. And for

442
00:23:29.039 --> 00:23:33.200
those people, I say, it's a practice. Just start small.

443
00:23:33.559 --> 00:23:36.640
It's like every other practice. You get better at it

444
00:23:36.680 --> 00:23:39.440
as you go. The important thing is the people in

445
00:23:39.480 --> 00:23:42.279
your life you care about need to know you care

446
00:23:42.319 --> 00:23:45.680
about them. They shouldn't have to assume it if we say, well,

447
00:23:45.759 --> 00:23:49.799
they know I love them. Don't just assume that. Let

448
00:23:49.839 --> 00:23:52.799
them know. Say the words I love you, say things

449
00:23:52.839 --> 00:23:55.519
like I appreciate you. And sometimes people can't say I

450
00:23:55.559 --> 00:23:59.119
love you because they were raising an abusive family and

451
00:23:59.440 --> 00:24:01.839
love was you as a weapon. Then don't say that,

452
00:24:02.319 --> 00:24:05.480
Say I appreciate you. Say a sincere thank you when

453
00:24:05.480 --> 00:24:09.160
people do something to do something nice for you. Little

454
00:24:09.279 --> 00:24:14.240
expressions are very important, especially if it doesn't come natural

455
00:24:14.279 --> 00:24:16.680
for you. People are gonna know that if it doesn't

456
00:24:16.720 --> 00:24:18.359
come natural for you, they're going to know that in

457
00:24:18.359 --> 00:24:22.599
your personality, and so small gestures make a big connection.

458
00:24:23.039 --> 00:24:24.720
And so it's a practice. You'll get better at it,

459
00:24:24.759 --> 00:24:27.880
you'll get more used to it, and so practice showing

460
00:24:27.960 --> 00:24:31.200
that emotion and showing that appreciation for the people in

461
00:24:31.240 --> 00:24:31.799
your life.

462
00:24:31.960 --> 00:24:36.880
Okay, so you're familiar with Abraham Hicks scale of emotion, yes, Okay.

463
00:24:37.839 --> 00:24:40.960
To me, that is so fascinating because I have found

464
00:24:40.960 --> 00:24:45.200
that people tend to be stuck in certain levels of emotion.

465
00:24:45.359 --> 00:24:47.759
I mean, you have those as you're describing, who are

466
00:24:47.799 --> 00:24:51.279
happy or joyous or loving and experiencing that. But there

467
00:24:51.279 --> 00:24:53.079
are so many people, and we're seeing this in the

468
00:24:53.200 --> 00:24:54.880
United States right now.

469
00:24:54.920 --> 00:24:56.279
We're seeing so much.

470
00:24:56.319 --> 00:25:00.440
Anger and hatred and all that type of stuff, and

471
00:25:00.640 --> 00:25:01.440
they're stuck.

472
00:25:02.079 --> 00:25:03.000
They're stuck there.

473
00:25:03.119 --> 00:25:07.559
Anything that happens right here comes the emotion out of that.

474
00:25:08.039 --> 00:25:10.839
How do you help people when they come to you

475
00:25:10.880 --> 00:25:13.240
and you find that they may be stuck in anger,

476
00:25:13.440 --> 00:25:15.759
or they may be stuck in victimhood, or you know,

477
00:25:15.799 --> 00:25:18.440
if it's that low, whatever it is, how do you

478
00:25:18.559 --> 00:25:23.440
help them to elevate their innate emotion to the point

479
00:25:23.480 --> 00:25:28.039
where they start to experience that happiness and joy rather

480
00:25:28.119 --> 00:25:32.279
than constantly experiencing the anger, of the frustration, the victimhood,

481
00:25:32.319 --> 00:25:33.319
whatever it happens to be.

482
00:25:34.480 --> 00:25:36.480
Yeah, one of the things that we will see in

483
00:25:36.519 --> 00:25:38.519
all five of the components is there is a connection

484
00:25:38.640 --> 00:25:41.359
with them. And when we're talking about being hindered in

485
00:25:41.400 --> 00:25:44.440
our emotions because of this anger, because of the fear,

486
00:25:44.519 --> 00:25:48.119
because the hatred, we're getting back to grief, because that

487
00:25:48.240 --> 00:25:51.440
comes from somewhere that comes from being hurt. People get

488
00:25:51.440 --> 00:25:55.559
angry and they're fearful, and they're hate and there's hatred

489
00:25:55.799 --> 00:25:58.880
because they've been hurt or they are afraid of being hurt.

490
00:25:58.920 --> 00:26:01.920
They have this fear of being here. There's a scenario

491
00:26:02.160 --> 00:26:05.519
that they have bought into that they believe they're going

492
00:26:05.559 --> 00:26:07.839
to be hurt in the future, and there is a

493
00:26:07.880 --> 00:26:11.039
grief process to that. Even if it hasn't happened, Even

494
00:26:11.079 --> 00:26:14.039
if there is a sense that I haven't personally been harmed,

495
00:26:14.200 --> 00:26:17.359
but I feel like that that harm is coming, there

496
00:26:17.400 --> 00:26:22.279
is a grief process to that. And anger, fear, hatred.

497
00:26:22.440 --> 00:26:25.160
A lot of this comes from a place of hurt.

498
00:26:25.359 --> 00:26:28.359
It comes from a place of struggle in our own

499
00:26:28.440 --> 00:26:32.079
life to feel good about who we are in the world,

500
00:26:32.680 --> 00:26:34.440
and there is that grief process.

501
00:26:35.039 --> 00:26:38.839
A lot of subconscious imprints there that can cause that.

502
00:26:39.079 --> 00:26:42.759
So absolutely right, and so grief is still that healer.

503
00:26:43.319 --> 00:26:47.920
Yeah, how do you help people to what is your methodology?

504
00:26:48.240 --> 00:26:50.880
If someone comes in and you find that because of

505
00:26:51.000 --> 00:26:54.759
imprints and their subconscious which they don't even recognize, and

506
00:26:54.839 --> 00:26:59.039
yet when an event occurs, their response is something in

507
00:26:59.119 --> 00:27:01.720
that lower level of anger or frustration or whatever that

508
00:27:01.799 --> 00:27:06.119
happens to be, how do you help them to identify

509
00:27:06.759 --> 00:27:11.079
those subconscious elements and overcome them.

510
00:27:11.559 --> 00:27:13.279
Yeah, the main thing is to go back to telling

511
00:27:13.279 --> 00:27:16.559
the story. But if I'm talking with someone, I want

512
00:27:16.599 --> 00:27:19.640
to get past the cliches. When people have anger, they

513
00:27:19.680 --> 00:27:22.920
have hatred, they have fear. That'll usually go to a

514
00:27:22.960 --> 00:27:26.559
couple of cliches, a couple of just taglines that they

515
00:27:26.599 --> 00:27:30.720
have bought into. Get past that. Tell the story, Tell

516
00:27:30.720 --> 00:27:33.839
it in detail. What are you truly afraid of? What

517
00:27:34.000 --> 00:27:37.440
is it that you're really angry about? What happened? And

518
00:27:37.559 --> 00:27:40.039
sometimes people will get to, well it hasn't actually happened

519
00:27:40.039 --> 00:27:42.519
to me, Well, then what are you angry about? Well,

520
00:27:42.559 --> 00:27:44.680
I feel like it's going to happen. Okay, what is

521
00:27:44.720 --> 00:27:46.799
the evidence that you feel like it's going to happen,

522
00:27:47.000 --> 00:27:51.400
getting into the details of the story, challenging the mantras

523
00:27:51.640 --> 00:27:58.160
that just take place, challenging the cliches and the conspiracies

524
00:27:58.200 --> 00:28:03.720
that are thrown out and people buy into sometimes and

525
00:28:03.759 --> 00:28:06.799
getting into the details of what is it you actually

526
00:28:06.839 --> 00:28:10.480
believe and why do you believe that, what is your motivation?

527
00:28:10.960 --> 00:28:13.799
And more often than not, and I'm generalizing here when

528
00:28:13.839 --> 00:28:16.240
I say this, but it just seems like very often

529
00:28:16.599 --> 00:28:20.359
when you really start questioning the details of why people

530
00:28:20.400 --> 00:28:23.039
are so afraid or why they're so angry, they will

531
00:28:23.079 --> 00:28:25.079
go back to, well, that's just the way I was raised,

532
00:28:26.079 --> 00:28:28.880
and that is the worst reason to do anything, The

533
00:28:28.920 --> 00:28:31.759
worst reason you can choose to do anything is that's

534
00:28:31.799 --> 00:28:33.599
just the way I was raised. Even if you were

535
00:28:33.640 --> 00:28:35.720
raised in a good family, even if you can look

536
00:28:35.759 --> 00:28:38.240
at your family and say, well, they were basically good people. Okay,

537
00:28:38.720 --> 00:28:44.880
I'll believe that, But just following the instincts of your

538
00:28:44.920 --> 00:28:50.799
family doesn't make it right. Yeah, and you know, make it.

539
00:28:50.799 --> 00:28:53.839
It's tough for people to recognize that and be willing

540
00:28:53.839 --> 00:28:56.640
to be aware of it and to recognize it and

541
00:28:56.640 --> 00:28:59.400
to look at it. So all right, Number three, we've

542
00:28:59.440 --> 00:29:02.279
got grief, We've got emotion, What's number three.

543
00:29:02.039 --> 00:29:04.880
The third ist practicality, And this is a very balancing

544
00:29:04.920 --> 00:29:09.359
element to emotion. Emotion tends to bring us together, Practicality

545
00:29:09.440 --> 00:29:12.640
keeps us together. These are the decisions that we make

546
00:29:12.799 --> 00:29:16.400
every day to just live a good life together. And

547
00:29:16.480 --> 00:29:19.240
so if a married couple, for instance, we'll need to

548
00:29:19.319 --> 00:29:22.799
think about how they deal with money, who's making these decisions,

549
00:29:22.839 --> 00:29:25.680
and how we have to think about parenting decisions, how

550
00:29:25.680 --> 00:29:28.640
we deal with household chores. All these type of things

551
00:29:28.640 --> 00:29:31.759
that are seem small in the scheme of love are

552
00:29:31.880 --> 00:29:35.599
actually very important that we live life well together. You

553
00:29:35.640 --> 00:29:38.720
may have heard someone say, well, I love them, but

554
00:29:38.799 --> 00:29:41.720
I can't live with them. Well, these are people that

555
00:29:41.759 --> 00:29:45.079
have connected on an emotional level, but they've failed in

556
00:29:45.119 --> 00:29:50.599
the area of practicality. We have to make practical, good decisions.

557
00:29:50.640 --> 00:29:55.000
And as I referred to earlier, sometimes the practical reality

558
00:29:55.039 --> 00:29:57.839
of life is some relationships have to end. If we're

559
00:29:57.839 --> 00:30:00.119
going to have healthy relationships, we have to make make

560
00:30:00.200 --> 00:30:04.279
room for them. And dysfunctional, toxic, abusive relationships tend to

561
00:30:04.319 --> 00:30:07.200
be all consuming, and so we have to make room

562
00:30:07.319 --> 00:30:12.359
to have actual healthy relationships. It's also things like dealing

563
00:30:12.400 --> 00:30:16.000
with our health, particularly our mental health. Things like depression

564
00:30:16.039 --> 00:30:18.559
and anxiety, they take a terrible toll on us, but

565
00:30:18.599 --> 00:30:21.440
they also take a toll on our relationships, and those

566
00:30:21.480 --> 00:30:24.759
are treatable conditions. Those are things that can be treated.

567
00:30:24.960 --> 00:30:27.079
And so getting the help we need from a doctor,

568
00:30:27.119 --> 00:30:30.279
from a psychiatrist, from a counselor getting the help we

569
00:30:30.400 --> 00:30:33.799
need to deal with things like anxiety and depression are

570
00:30:33.880 --> 00:30:37.400
critical to making sure we stay healthy and stay engaged

571
00:30:37.400 --> 00:30:40.799
in those relationships. Those are practical decisions that we make.

572
00:30:41.200 --> 00:30:44.319
It's living well together so that we can build that

573
00:30:44.400 --> 00:30:45.240
happy life.

574
00:30:45.640 --> 00:30:48.200
Well, as we talked about practicality, and you know, again

575
00:30:48.359 --> 00:30:51.359
you were talking a little bit more about the marriage relationships,

576
00:30:51.400 --> 00:30:54.440
but how many people find themselves? What have you seen?

577
00:30:54.480 --> 00:30:58.359
How many people that you've worked with, you observe and

578
00:30:58.440 --> 00:31:01.920
hopefully eventually they figure it out that they are living

579
00:31:02.039 --> 00:31:07.039
among toxic people and that that is literally affecting their

580
00:31:07.039 --> 00:31:11.240
well being, their happiness, their love, And how do you

581
00:31:11.319 --> 00:31:14.920
help them to recognize one and number two have the

582
00:31:15.039 --> 00:31:18.880
courage to break away and eliminate.

583
00:31:18.440 --> 00:31:22.200
Those toxic relationships. And I would assume that's part of practicality.

584
00:31:23.240 --> 00:31:27.000
It is it is especially recognizing it as an important part,

585
00:31:27.799 --> 00:31:31.559
because yes, it is extraordinarily difficult, especially if we've been

586
00:31:31.680 --> 00:31:34.400
raised in it as functional family. One of the things

587
00:31:34.440 --> 00:31:37.480
we do as children is we assume what we were

588
00:31:37.519 --> 00:31:41.480
raised with is normal. We normalize what we knew growing up.

589
00:31:41.519 --> 00:31:43.599
And that's why it is so easy to revert back to, well,

590
00:31:43.599 --> 00:31:45.880
that's just the way I was raised because we assume

591
00:31:46.200 --> 00:31:48.799
that was normal. We need to challenge that assumption. There's

592
00:31:48.799 --> 00:31:51.799
no such thing as a normal family. Every family's nuts

593
00:31:51.839 --> 00:31:54.000
in their own way. Someone is more functional than others.

594
00:31:54.200 --> 00:31:57.720
The goal is to be functional, and so we struggle

595
00:31:58.200 --> 00:32:04.079
to identify toxicity in and around us, because very often

596
00:32:04.079 --> 00:32:06.319
we were raised in it or some element of it.

597
00:32:06.680 --> 00:32:09.559
We begin to we and people who are toxic, people

598
00:32:09.559 --> 00:32:11.640
who are abusive, Are you really good at gas lighting?

599
00:32:12.119 --> 00:32:14.119
It's a skill they tend to have, and so they

600
00:32:14.119 --> 00:32:17.359
will put that on us. And very often it's easy

601
00:32:17.400 --> 00:32:22.400
for us to assume that, well, if I just acted different,

602
00:32:22.400 --> 00:32:24.680
if I just did things different, I can make every

603
00:32:24.720 --> 00:32:28.079
relationship work. Yes, we can adjust sometimes and do things

604
00:32:28.079 --> 00:32:31.440
a little differently in order to help our relationships along,

605
00:32:31.599 --> 00:32:37.200
but we cannot make a basic change in our entire

606
00:32:37.240 --> 00:32:40.759
personality completely for the sake of someone else. And even

607
00:32:40.799 --> 00:32:42.839
if we did, it wouldn't help if that's an abuse

608
00:32:42.960 --> 00:32:45.599
or a toxic person. Now, the question that you ask

609
00:32:45.680 --> 00:32:47.799
of how do we break free from that? That really

610
00:32:47.880 --> 00:32:50.880
gets us as into the fourth component of love, which

611
00:32:50.920 --> 00:32:55.279
is acceptance of ourselves. Yes, there's an element of acceptance

612
00:32:55.319 --> 00:32:57.839
that goes to other people. We don't accept abuse. We

613
00:32:57.880 --> 00:33:00.519
do have to accept flaws and other people. But really,

614
00:33:00.519 --> 00:33:03.720
when we're talking about acceptance, we're talking about loving ourselves.

615
00:33:04.039 --> 00:33:06.720
Brene Brown's done some great work in this area, very

616
00:33:06.759 --> 00:33:09.960
noted for it. Other people have as well. You cannot

617
00:33:10.000 --> 00:33:12.680
love other people more than you love yourself. And so

618
00:33:12.839 --> 00:33:15.680
often if we're in abusive relationships, especially if we are

619
00:33:15.759 --> 00:33:20.359
chronically finding ourselves in one toxic relationship after another, it's

620
00:33:20.480 --> 00:33:23.759
usually because we have an idea that if I can

621
00:33:23.759 --> 00:33:26.880
get people to love me, it will validate me and

622
00:33:26.920 --> 00:33:30.519
then I can love myself. And that, while it sounds logical,

623
00:33:31.119 --> 00:33:34.559
does not work in reality. The reality is we cannot

624
00:33:34.599 --> 00:33:38.920
love other people more than we love ourselves. That's the capacity.

625
00:33:39.279 --> 00:33:43.119
We can't give love unless it's grown organically within us.

626
00:33:43.599 --> 00:33:47.160
And that organic growth of love is for ourselves so

627
00:33:47.359 --> 00:33:50.079
that we can give it away to other people. So,

628
00:33:50.119 --> 00:33:52.359
if you want to have great relationships in your life.

629
00:33:52.559 --> 00:33:56.559
Love yourself, love yourself more, show more compassion, more empathy

630
00:33:56.599 --> 00:33:59.079
for yourself, more self care, so that you can give

631
00:33:59.119 --> 00:34:02.160
all that to others. Now, when we love ourselves, we

632
00:34:02.640 --> 00:34:06.839
got to start understanding our own value. It's much easier

633
00:34:06.839 --> 00:34:09.559
to say, you know, I don't deserve to be treated

634
00:34:09.599 --> 00:34:13.000
this way. No one deserves to be treated this way.

635
00:34:13.519 --> 00:34:16.679
That we are of value, and we don't deserve those abusive,

636
00:34:16.719 --> 00:34:20.679
toxic relationships in our lives. And so the best way

637
00:34:20.719 --> 00:34:24.679
to break free from that is to understand your own value.

638
00:34:24.760 --> 00:34:27.679
That takes time if you weren't raised with it, but again,

639
00:34:28.000 --> 00:34:33.239
through therapy, through counseling, through self growth and development, through spirituality.

640
00:34:33.239 --> 00:34:35.719
There's a lot of paths to get there. But find

641
00:34:35.760 --> 00:34:38.639
that way of understanding your own value, and you'll find

642
00:34:38.679 --> 00:34:41.320
a lot easier to set those boundaries with those toxic

643
00:34:41.360 --> 00:34:43.280
people and say that's not how I'm going to live.

644
00:34:43.760 --> 00:34:46.599
Well, you know, and what you said, a theological thing

645
00:34:46.639 --> 00:34:49.719
comes into my mind. You know, there's that great commandment

646
00:34:49.760 --> 00:34:52.039
out of the New Testament that says, you know, thou

647
00:34:52.079 --> 00:34:53.920
shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart,

648
00:34:53.960 --> 00:34:55.880
my mind and strength. And the second is like and

649
00:34:56.000 --> 00:34:58.960
to it, love thy neighbor as thyself. Well, you know,

650
00:34:59.079 --> 00:35:01.440
people look at that as all right, this is God

651
00:35:01.559 --> 00:35:06.000
telling us that we need to love. And I'm as

652
00:35:06.000 --> 00:35:08.039
you were just talking about that, I'm thinking, you know what,

653
00:35:08.159 --> 00:35:10.960
he was just explaining that you can only love your

654
00:35:11.000 --> 00:35:12.679
neighbor as much as you love yourself.

655
00:35:13.039 --> 00:35:16.320
That's exactly what he's explained. He already knew. Jesus the

656
00:35:16.360 --> 00:35:19.480
Great Teacher, already knew what Brene Brown would would write

657
00:35:19.480 --> 00:35:22.239
about in her research two thousand years later. He already

658
00:35:22.280 --> 00:35:27.519
knew this because otherwise it sounds like Jesus is lowballing it.

659
00:35:27.559 --> 00:35:30.320
Would he say, I know you can love your neighbor

660
00:35:30.400 --> 00:35:33.639
more than yourself, but don't bother. Don't bother with that,

661
00:35:34.000 --> 00:35:37.280
just love them at the level you love yourself. Knowing

662
00:35:37.360 --> 00:35:39.119
how much we need love in the world, why would

663
00:35:39.199 --> 00:35:42.840
Jesus fall short? Why would Jesus lowball the idea of love?

664
00:35:42.880 --> 00:35:45.519
If we can love others more by all means, do that,

665
00:35:45.840 --> 00:35:48.440
Jesus knew we couldn't. He gave us that commandment of

666
00:35:48.519 --> 00:35:51.400
love your neighbor as yourself because he already knew that's

667
00:35:51.400 --> 00:35:54.199
the capacity that we have. And so if we want

668
00:35:54.239 --> 00:35:57.400
to love others more. We have to love ourselves more.

669
00:35:57.679 --> 00:36:00.599
And again that keeps us out very often gets us

670
00:36:00.719 --> 00:36:03.880
out of those toxic relationships because we understand our own

671
00:36:04.000 --> 00:36:07.199
value creates more room in our life for those healthy

672
00:36:07.239 --> 00:36:10.320
relationships to give more love away. Well.

673
00:36:10.360 --> 00:36:13.239
And it reminds me of a pet peeve that I

674
00:36:13.320 --> 00:36:18.320
have and a philosophical situation that I love to talk about,

675
00:36:18.880 --> 00:36:22.000
and that is being becoming.

676
00:36:22.519 --> 00:36:24.639
And how so many times.

677
00:36:24.360 --> 00:36:26.559
People think that they need to do this, then you

678
00:36:26.559 --> 00:36:28.400
need to do that in order to achieve this and

679
00:36:28.440 --> 00:36:31.039
so forth, rather than looking at the behavior.

680
00:36:31.519 --> 00:36:34.119
And if they honestly step outside of themselves and.

681
00:36:34.159 --> 00:36:37.960
Look at their behavior, whether it's love or whatever, understand

682
00:36:38.039 --> 00:36:41.920
that that behavior is a reflection of who they are,

683
00:36:42.440 --> 00:36:46.599
of the level of beingness that they've achieved. And as

684
00:36:46.639 --> 00:36:49.239
you say, once they can get to that point of

685
00:36:49.559 --> 00:36:53.760
truly loving themselves, all of a sudden, they're going to

686
00:36:53.800 --> 00:36:56.800
observe that they're loving others and it's just a.

687
00:36:58.440 --> 00:37:01.719
Natural behavior that occur. Is nothing that's forced.

688
00:37:02.199 --> 00:37:05.199
Exactly right. Yeah, if you love yourself, loving others becomes easy.

689
00:37:05.679 --> 00:37:08.360
That's the task is to love ourselves, show compassion and

690
00:37:09.519 --> 00:37:13.360
care for ourselves, giving that to other people becomes very easy,

691
00:37:13.440 --> 00:37:17.360
and you're exactly right. Understanding our own value, our own being,

692
00:37:17.760 --> 00:37:20.000
not based on what we've done, not based on our

693
00:37:20.000 --> 00:37:23.119
achievements or our mistakes. Sometimes we sort of look at

694
00:37:23.119 --> 00:37:25.519
what we've done well, we look at what we've done wrong,

695
00:37:26.239 --> 00:37:28.079
look at what's happened to us in life, and we

696
00:37:28.199 --> 00:37:30.679
judge ourselves based on that. It's not on that, it's

697
00:37:30.679 --> 00:37:35.159
on who we are, our own inherent value. Things in

698
00:37:35.199 --> 00:37:37.199
life are going to go well, sometimes they're going to

699
00:37:37.280 --> 00:37:39.480
go badly. We're all going to make mistakes, we're all

700
00:37:39.480 --> 00:37:42.400
going to achieve some things along the way. We're gonna

701
00:37:42.440 --> 00:37:45.199
get it right occasionally. But all of that is just

702
00:37:45.199 --> 00:37:47.800
stuff that happens. It's the stuff of the world around us.

703
00:37:47.840 --> 00:37:50.960
It's not who we are. Inherently. We understand our own

704
00:37:51.360 --> 00:37:54.079
value as a person, then we can address all the

705
00:37:54.119 --> 00:37:56.159
other stuff that's going on around us.

706
00:37:56.599 --> 00:37:59.840
Okay, So you know, if you go from a theological standpoint,

707
00:37:59.840 --> 00:38:02.960
that's pretty easy, well not easy, but at least it's

708
00:38:03.000 --> 00:38:06.199
pretty straightforward on how to help someone to understand that

709
00:38:06.360 --> 00:38:09.559
eternal light within themselves. But what do you do with

710
00:38:10.199 --> 00:38:12.880
your clients that are not into that theology?

711
00:38:13.199 --> 00:38:14.360
How do you help them.

712
00:38:14.199 --> 00:38:18.079
To understand, and I use the example of the diamond

713
00:38:18.199 --> 00:38:20.679
within them, how do you help them to get to

714
00:38:20.719 --> 00:38:25.480
the point where they literally start to understand that innately

715
00:38:25.519 --> 00:38:28.000
as you say, there's a goodness in them, there's a

716
00:38:28.119 --> 00:38:31.199
value in them. There's something in there that most people

717
00:38:31.280 --> 00:38:34.320
don't even realize because so many of them are taught,

718
00:38:34.679 --> 00:38:38.199
unfortunately theologically that you know what, you were born in sin,

719
00:38:38.280 --> 00:38:40.079
you're naturally sinful, all of this.

720
00:38:40.079 --> 00:38:40.719
Kind of stuff.

721
00:38:40.960 --> 00:38:42.239
How do you help them to get to the.

722
00:38:42.159 --> 00:38:46.400
Point to recognize that there's that goodness that's innate within

723
00:38:46.519 --> 00:38:47.119
each of us.

724
00:38:47.960 --> 00:38:50.800
Yeah, I think there are. As you say, there's two

725
00:38:50.800 --> 00:38:53.519
ways we got here, there's a lot of nuances in that,

726
00:38:53.639 --> 00:38:56.920
but everyone basically agrees there's one of two ways that

727
00:38:56.960 --> 00:39:00.519
we arrived here as we are. One is we created

728
00:39:00.519 --> 00:39:04.239
by a God, a supreme being who created us and

729
00:39:04.280 --> 00:39:07.840
from a theological Christian perspective, is a God of love

730
00:39:08.039 --> 00:39:11.239
that is love and created us in that image of love.

731
00:39:11.800 --> 00:39:15.239
So that's an easy storyline to say that light within us,

732
00:39:15.239 --> 00:39:18.440
that love within us, that we are the image of love.

733
00:39:19.079 --> 00:39:21.400
But yes, as you put it, what about those who

734
00:39:21.440 --> 00:39:24.719
don't believe that? Well, that's the second line that people

735
00:39:24.719 --> 00:39:28.360
believe that we arrived here is through billions and billions

736
00:39:28.360 --> 00:39:33.119
and billions and billions of years of evolution of things happening,

737
00:39:33.239 --> 00:39:39.039
random acts coming together, so that we eventually became a

738
00:39:39.199 --> 00:39:44.280
being with the capacity for love. That's still an amazing

739
00:39:44.360 --> 00:39:47.960
origin story. Whichever one you take. Whichever track you take,

740
00:39:48.000 --> 00:39:51.079
you believe that we came from a supreme being, a

741
00:39:51.079 --> 00:39:53.480
God of love who created us in the image of love,

742
00:39:53.559 --> 00:39:57.239
or you believe that we came from billions of random

743
00:39:57.280 --> 00:40:01.000
events that eventually came together to a being with a

744
00:40:01.079 --> 00:40:05.400
capacity for laughter and love and connection and humanity, with

745
00:40:05.559 --> 00:40:07.920
a spirit of humanity. Even if you don't believe in

746
00:40:07.920 --> 00:40:11.679
a religious spirit, a spirit of God, we have a

747
00:40:11.840 --> 00:40:14.960
human spirit. We have a connection of spirit if we

748
00:40:15.039 --> 00:40:18.559
could evolve through billions of years of random acts to

749
00:40:18.639 --> 00:40:21.280
come to that place. Either one of those tracks is

750
00:40:21.320 --> 00:40:26.440
an amazing origin story. We have inherent value regardless of

751
00:40:26.480 --> 00:40:28.840
which road you take. Now we argue back and forth

752
00:40:28.880 --> 00:40:31.559
among us over which one is correct, and we have

753
00:40:31.679 --> 00:40:34.159
nuances in both those pasts. But if you bull it

754
00:40:34.239 --> 00:40:37.480
down to those two paths, both come from an amazing,

755
00:40:37.920 --> 00:40:42.320
incredible origin story. There is no escaping whichever path you

756
00:40:42.400 --> 00:40:45.400
take that we are of inherent value.

757
00:40:45.639 --> 00:40:46.920
Okay, I love that all right.

758
00:40:47.039 --> 00:40:51.239
Number five fifth is passion. The fifth component of love

759
00:40:51.320 --> 00:40:53.920
is passion. This is a passion for life. This is

760
00:40:54.199 --> 00:40:57.480
an enjoyment of the life we have and the people

761
00:40:57.559 --> 00:41:01.519
that we have in life. The secret ingredient to bring

762
00:41:01.559 --> 00:41:06.320
passion into your life is fun. Remembering to have fun.

763
00:41:06.480 --> 00:41:08.519
Some people make fun a dirty word, and it's just not.

764
00:41:09.519 --> 00:41:12.199
It is an important aspect for our health. It's an

765
00:41:12.199 --> 00:41:15.519
important aspect for love that we remember to have fun

766
00:41:15.679 --> 00:41:18.920
and put that enjoyment in life. Now, people sometimes push

767
00:41:18.960 --> 00:41:21.960
back on that and say, but life is serious. Well, yes,

768
00:41:22.039 --> 00:41:25.880
that's why practicality is the third component of love. And

769
00:41:25.960 --> 00:41:28.719
yes there are tragedies to life, and that's why grief

770
00:41:28.760 --> 00:41:30.960
is the first component of love. We don't forget those.

771
00:41:31.320 --> 00:41:35.079
But let's also not forget about passion. Having a passion

772
00:41:35.079 --> 00:41:37.639
for life, because this puts the wind in our sails,

773
00:41:38.039 --> 00:41:40.199
is the fuel and our engine. It gets us up

774
00:41:40.239 --> 00:41:43.840
every day to look and see what we can achieve today,

775
00:41:43.840 --> 00:41:46.599
what we can learn today, what we can find today,

776
00:41:46.800 --> 00:41:49.880
and what fun we can have in the process. If

777
00:41:49.880 --> 00:41:51.559
we can go to work and have as much fun

778
00:41:51.599 --> 00:41:53.519
as possible. Yes, there's a lot of work to do,

779
00:41:53.639 --> 00:41:55.639
but let's enjoy it. Let's enjoy what we do for

780
00:41:55.679 --> 00:41:58.679
a living, and let's enjoy our family. Let's have fun

781
00:41:58.719 --> 00:42:01.559
with our family. If we can laugh together as coworkers,

782
00:42:01.599 --> 00:42:05.239
as friends, as family, it takes us a long way

783
00:42:05.280 --> 00:42:09.599
down that road of a healthy relationship. And if we

784
00:42:10.480 --> 00:42:12.960
forget about that, then what happens is we may be

785
00:42:13.039 --> 00:42:15.280
doing a lot of things well. We may have come

786
00:42:15.320 --> 00:42:17.440
through the tough times and grieved through those. We may

787
00:42:17.480 --> 00:42:21.039
have emotional connections, we may be making very good practical

788
00:42:21.079 --> 00:42:24.400
decisions and clicking off things every day, and then we wonder,

789
00:42:25.079 --> 00:42:28.079
what's wrong, something's missing in this. You know, we've got

790
00:42:28.079 --> 00:42:31.119
a household, we're running well, we love the people in

791
00:42:31.159 --> 00:42:33.800
our life. We're doing well as a job. But something's

792
00:42:33.840 --> 00:42:36.360
just not right. And very often I see this in

793
00:42:36.400 --> 00:42:39.559
people that are in their thirties forties. They've been told,

794
00:42:39.639 --> 00:42:43.119
you know, get the degree, or get the trading, get

795
00:42:43.119 --> 00:42:45.719
the job, get the promotion by the house, you know,

796
00:42:45.840 --> 00:42:49.079
find that special someone, get married, have kids, and they've

797
00:42:49.119 --> 00:42:51.480
clicked all these things off the list, and they're doing

798
00:42:51.599 --> 00:42:53.920
very well at all of them, and then they wonder,

799
00:42:54.159 --> 00:42:57.960
what's wrong? Is this really it? And what they've forgotten.

800
00:42:58.079 --> 00:43:03.400
Is we society given that list? Because that is a road,

801
00:43:03.519 --> 00:43:05.920
a road, not the road, but a road to a

802
00:43:05.960 --> 00:43:09.599
happy life that very many people have bought into. And so, okay,

803
00:43:10.000 --> 00:43:12.280
get the family, get the job, get all the stuff,

804
00:43:12.360 --> 00:43:15.920
but remember to enjoy it and look for the fun.

805
00:43:16.159 --> 00:43:18.760
One of the things that happens is that our brains

806
00:43:18.800 --> 00:43:21.480
are wired up to protect us, and so we're always

807
00:43:21.480 --> 00:43:23.719
going to be looking for bad stuff that might hurt us,

808
00:43:23.800 --> 00:43:26.480
either physically or emotionally. We're always going to be looking

809
00:43:26.519 --> 00:43:29.960
to protect ourselves. That's a natural human instinct. We are

810
00:43:30.000 --> 00:43:32.480
not wired up to look for things that are fun

811
00:43:32.679 --> 00:43:35.719
and enjoyable. We have to learn to do that. We

812
00:43:35.800 --> 00:43:38.079
have to look for it on purpose, because we will

813
00:43:38.199 --> 00:43:41.960
always see if somebody is saying something's going to offend us.

814
00:43:42.320 --> 00:43:44.639
Our brains are wired up to protect us from things

815
00:43:44.639 --> 00:43:48.199
that will hurt us emotionally. We're not necessarily wired up

816
00:43:48.239 --> 00:43:51.760
to see things that are funny and humorous. Remembering to

817
00:43:51.840 --> 00:43:54.000
do that brings the spice of life. It brings the

818
00:43:54.039 --> 00:43:58.480
wind in our selves. And so if we can grieve

819
00:43:58.559 --> 00:44:00.679
the hurts of life and let that be our comeback

820
00:44:00.719 --> 00:44:03.800
story that we continually heal. When we're hurt that we

821
00:44:03.880 --> 00:44:07.719
stay connected emotionally to the people we love in every

822
00:44:07.800 --> 00:44:11.800
area of life. We make good, sound, practical decisions in

823
00:44:11.920 --> 00:44:16.000
order to live life well together. We love ourselves in

824
00:44:16.239 --> 00:44:20.119
order to love other people, and we remember to have

825
00:44:20.199 --> 00:44:23.000
fun and have a passion for life. You can build

826
00:44:23.000 --> 00:44:25.280
healthy relationships in every area of your life.

827
00:44:25.559 --> 00:44:26.679
Ah, that's wonderful.

828
00:44:26.719 --> 00:44:29.119
And you know, as we're coming to a close, and

829
00:44:29.159 --> 00:44:31.719
I love what you've said here what I think you

830
00:44:31.840 --> 00:44:33.360
just kind of gave the message that I was going

831
00:44:33.400 --> 00:44:36.360
to ask you about as you just went through that process.

832
00:44:36.400 --> 00:44:38.639
So how do people find you and how do they

833
00:44:38.639 --> 00:44:39.440
find your book?

834
00:44:41.039 --> 00:44:44.199
Go to my website. It's Mark A. Hicks dot com.

835
00:44:44.239 --> 00:44:47.239
Make sure you get my middle initial in there Markahicks

836
00:44:47.239 --> 00:44:50.480
dot com. Everything is available there, links to my podcast,

837
00:44:50.519 --> 00:44:53.559
links to my YouTube channel, information about my book. My

838
00:44:53.599 --> 00:44:57.360
book is being released by Morgan James Publishing on June tenth,

839
00:44:57.400 --> 00:45:00.719
to be available wherever books are sold very soon of June.

840
00:45:01.360 --> 00:45:04.079
In the meantime, you can go to my website and

841
00:45:04.119 --> 00:45:07.320
get my free ebook, The Five Components of Love. It's

842
00:45:07.320 --> 00:45:10.400
a brief overview, just as I've given today of the

843
00:45:10.440 --> 00:45:12.880
five components of love, and of course when my book

844
00:45:12.880 --> 00:45:15.559
comes out in June, a lot of more detail, lot

845
00:45:15.760 --> 00:45:19.559
a lot more information about those five components and how

846
00:45:19.599 --> 00:45:22.199
to live them out in your life. There's also a

847
00:45:22.199 --> 00:45:25.440
contact form on my website. I'm available for speaking engagements,

848
00:45:25.440 --> 00:45:29.639
for workshops, for coaching, or just email me on my

849
00:45:29.679 --> 00:45:31.519
contact form to say hi and let me know that

850
00:45:31.599 --> 00:45:33.199
you saw me on the show today. I'd love to

851
00:45:33.239 --> 00:45:35.079
hear from you. That's rather form.

852
00:45:35.159 --> 00:45:38.639
Mark, Thanks so much. You know, I love all of

853
00:45:38.679 --> 00:45:40.480
these different approaches. It's interesting.

854
00:45:40.519 --> 00:45:42.559
I love to play golf, all right, there's one of

855
00:45:42.559 --> 00:45:46.199
my loves, Okay, my passion, my fun, and I'm not

856
00:45:46.280 --> 00:45:49.159
a good golfer. And so I sit and watch YouTube

857
00:45:49.480 --> 00:45:51.119
and you know, I watched this, and I watched that,

858
00:45:51.199 --> 00:45:53.360
and just the other day, I sign an entirely different

859
00:45:53.360 --> 00:45:57.199
approach to hitting, you know, hitting the golf ball, and

860
00:45:57.280 --> 00:46:01.039
so I tried it this morning and I that, wow,

861
00:46:01.079 --> 00:46:02.400
that did not work.

862
00:46:02.760 --> 00:46:04.480
And I went back to the other way and it

863
00:46:04.519 --> 00:46:05.239
started to work.

864
00:46:05.480 --> 00:46:07.920
And that's what I love is that, you know, we

865
00:46:08.000 --> 00:46:12.239
all come up with these individual philosophies and ideas of

866
00:46:12.280 --> 00:46:15.119
how things have worked based on our own personal experience

867
00:46:15.280 --> 00:46:19.559
and professional experience in your case, and it works for

868
00:46:19.679 --> 00:46:20.159
some people.

869
00:46:20.239 --> 00:46:22.840
For other people they find something a little bit different.

870
00:46:22.880 --> 00:46:26.000
But I think for the audience, I want you to understand, folks,

871
00:46:26.360 --> 00:46:29.000
that here is here is a pathway that could be

872
00:46:29.079 --> 00:46:33.920
potentially the difference between happiness and a lack of joy

873
00:46:33.960 --> 00:46:37.000
in your lives by getting the book, by listening a

874
00:46:37.039 --> 00:46:39.239
little bit to more of what Mark has to say

875
00:46:39.280 --> 00:46:41.960
about this, and really applying it into your life.

876
00:46:42.000 --> 00:46:43.920
So Mark, thanks again so much.

877
00:46:44.599 --> 00:46:45.400
Oh my pleasure.

878
00:46:45.440 --> 00:46:47.679
Thank you, and folks, thanks for listening.

879
00:46:47.800 --> 00:46:49.760
I hope you will be enjoyed this and I look

880
00:46:49.800 --> 00:46:52.119
forward to having your join us again soon. So this

881
00:46:52.239 --> 00:47:02.280
is doctor Doug saying, I'm a stay has been filled

882
00:47:02.519 --> 00:47:03.119
with their