July 31, 2024

Successfully in Love

Successfully in Love

How often do we actually sabotage our relationships without even realizing that we are doing it. And the reason, according to Katerina Polonska, relationship coach, is because we have not sorted out our own inner demons.
Katerina talks about the 3...

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How often do we actually sabotage our relationships without even realizing that we are doing it. And the reason, according to Katerina Polonska, relationship coach, is because we have not sorted out our own inner demons.
Katerina talks about the 3 keys to successful relationships which include liberation from our own internal trauma and wounds, getting crystal clear on our wants vs our needs in a relationship and thus attracting that perfect match for you.
https://www.katarinapolonska.com

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This program is designed to provide general information with regards

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to the subject matters covered. This information is given with

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the understanding that neither the hosts, guests, sponsors, or station

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are engaged in rendering any specific and personal medical, financial, legal, counseling,

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professional service, or any advice. You should seek the services

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of competent professionals before applying or trying any suggested ideas.

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At the end of the day, it's not about what

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you have or even what you've accomplished. It's about what

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you've done with those accomplishments. It's about who you've lifted up,

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who you've made better. It's about what you've given back

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than Soel Washington, welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose

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is to elevate the lives of others and to inspire

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you to do the same.

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Katerino, welcome to the show.

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Thanks for having me.

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Hey, so it's lovely to have you. Where are you from?

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Where are you? Where are you at right now?

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I'm calling from Spain in Ibiza, Spain.

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Wow. Wow, what took you to Spain?

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Good question? What took me to Spain? I lived hero

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in twenty thirteen and I loved it. I absolutely loved it,

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and then I left and lived in lots of different places.

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I lived in Dubai, I lived back in London. I

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went to Vancouver for five years and then came back

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to London. And I realized I didn't want to be

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in London, and so I knew I wanted to, say,

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in Europe. And my husband and I'm kind of debating,

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like where do you want to go to?

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Now?

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Where do you want to go to? And we both

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were learning Spanish at the time. I have to say,

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I'm not really learning about now. It's just really bad.

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But we landed on Spain. And because I've lived in

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this part of Spain before, I already had friends or

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had a network, and I figured why not? Why not?

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Wonderful?

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Well, I'd love for you to share with the audience

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who you are and really the story behind what you're doing.

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Now.

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Sure, so Mana's Katherina. I'm a high performance relationship coach

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and gender then I'm a social scientist. So what that

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really means that I work with a lot of high

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performance and I help them with their personal relationships, so

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specifically their love lives and the love relationships. And then

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from my kind of background academic background, it's in gender dynamics,

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so looking at masculinity femininity, looking at the different genders

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and how they operate in relationships between them, and the

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kind of bringing the two together. So how I got

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into this is kind of a multi pronged reason. But

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I had my own personal experience. So I've always been

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very kind of high performance, high achieved in my whole life,

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and you know, jumping through the hoops, trying to get

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the grades and climb the corporate ladder and all of that.

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And in my late twenties, I figured it was time

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to settle down and you know, get married and have

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kids and blah blah blah. And I got engaged to

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my then boyfriend and everything seemed picture perfect. Everything seemed

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like it was, you know, a really wonderful relationship. And

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yet at the same time, I felt like something was off.

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I felt I wasn't convinced that it was really the

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right thing for me, but I didn't want to let

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it go. I didn't want to walk away from something.

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There was so much fear around that. And after really

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two years of going back and forth, back and forth,

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back and forth, should I say, should I go do

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marital counseling seeing tons of therapists and working on myself.

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I did eventually decide to leave in retrospect. That was

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a very long process and there was a lot of

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kind of self guess slighting that I did there, which

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I now see as a very common theme. And actually

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every high achuting person that I work with this real

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kind of lack of self trust of what we know

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deep down to be true and this desire to get

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things right, to kind of to achieve, to perform, to

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to not have things kind of go wrong and kind

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of have that sun cost happening. So that's really what

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got me to kind of focus on relationship specifically, because

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that's also been my personal story from an academic perspective,

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it's a gender dynamicson from a professional perspective. My backgrounds

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behavior science. I was original best president for a science consultancy,

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doing a little consulting on people and how do you

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get people to be better at work, to be happier

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at work, and D and I and all of that.

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And so really when that kind of evolved into coaching

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and I was looking to leave corporate trained to be

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a coach, trying to be an executive coach, realized a

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lot of executives are struggling with their relationships. Put two

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and two together, and here.

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I am, here you are, and you know, it's interesting

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you talk about high performance people and yet you know,

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and this is what I've found as I've worked with

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small businesses.

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Never in the corporate world I've got.

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But what I would tell my people is, you know,

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with the principles we're going to talk about here in business,

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apply it a life and just so you know.

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You're aware of that. And they found that that's very true.

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So as you talk about high performance people, obviously these

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are people that are going to really help help you.

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But is there a difference in your opinion, between high

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quote high performance people and other people that are made

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not quote high performance relative to relationships.

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Yeah, one hundred percent. I think that the high performance

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kind of angle is really me doing that thing where

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you know, I serve the person that I was, that

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I relate with the most. That's not saying that the

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issues in relationship that I solve for aren't almost universal problems, right.

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I think specifically with the high performance the things that

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I run into is I could probably drill down a

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lot even further and talk about high performance individuals who

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are you know, high achievers who have an undercurrent of anxiety,

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who have probably been raised into high performing, high achieving

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families who were maybe absent growing up, and say they

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had a lot of responsibility on their shoulders and so

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they had to kind of mature very quickly, and because

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of that, they're very used to grinning and bearing it.

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I hear this a lot done like do I just

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run and bear my relationship? Do I just suck it up?

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Do I just roll my sleeps up and get it done?

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This kind of mentality of I have to just get

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through this, and I am responsible. I'm not going to

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do the irresponsible thing like walking away from my marriage

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or walking away from my long term relationship. And so

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I think that's kind of why the high performance angle

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is very key, I think to the people I work so,

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I get it, I understand it. I've thought that way.

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I still sometimes do think that way as well. Plus,

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you know, the burnout, the stress, the anxiety from working

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sixty plus hour weeks, from having a lot of pressure,

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from having a lot of financial pressure, and all of

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these different things. It's a whole cocktail of challenges for

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your love life. Really, I don't know if I could

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fully kind of relate to someone who maybe you know,

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works a thirty hour week and doesn't have the pressure

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of having to be on a plane frequent or having

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to work long hours un feel disconnected from their partner.

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I'm sure the issues are very similar. Is just a

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different kind of context that makes sense?

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Well, yeah, and just who you're more familiar with, which

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is fine, and quite frankly, I think that you know,

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based on my experience, what we're going to talk about

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today is certainly.

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Pertinent to anyone. You know, you say they're only working

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thirty hours.

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There's a lot of people that are working a lot

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of time, not making a lot of money, and going

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through very same stuff. So from a behavioral standpoint, as

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you say you have a background in behavioral sciences, do

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you find that high performing people kind of have a

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very similar personality when when we get into that you know,

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I'm familiar with and I don't know if you are,

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with a disc the a s C personality, behavioral profiling,

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and you know, when I think about high profile I

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think about those left brain people who are really focused,

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extroverts and so forth. Do you find that there is

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a personality profile that fits into this quote high performance modality.

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It's a really good question and what I've been grappling with,

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and I think that there is. And yet I also

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wonder if the people that feel called and drawn to

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work with me are a specific type of person right,

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because there's a lot of variations of higher performer. You know,

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I'm sure your master's a higher performer. I don't think

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i'd want to work with him, nor do I think

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you probably want to work with me, because I think

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our values would be very misaligned. Right, But at the

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same time that the personality traits and kind of the

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qualities might be quite similar. So I think there are

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I think what I see a lot of with at

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least my clients and the people that I work with,

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is this undercurrent that's kind of low level anxiety. I

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see that consistently where they might not even be aware

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of it, but someone might call out like, oh, you know,

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you're very type A. You're a bit highly strong or

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a little bit anxious. You always get stressed, think things,

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maybe you ruminate. These kind of patterns I see very consistently,

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and I bring everything back to kind of the root cause,

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and I look at from a kind of psychological perspective

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or where did this all come from? And why is

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it that you have this anxiety and this propensity to

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kind of overthink and yet you're a high achiever. They

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go hand in hand, right, The root cause is kind

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of the same, but I'm sure there's lots of different

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variations of it. That makes sense.

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Well, it does.

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And you know, as you talk about the root cause,

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and I love that whole phrase because I think so

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many times people, you know, I see people go into

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therapy as you talked about and so forth, and a

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lot of times it's talk therapy.

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They never get to the root cast they never do.

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Right, Yeah, I have that same experience. I had that

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same experience when I had my dental practice. Was you know,

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people would come in and I had a little sub

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specialty in tempera mandibula joint disorder, and so people would

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come in and say, oh, I have and I'm going no,

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you have two.

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You have one on the right and one on the left.

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So now tell me what are your problems your symptoms,

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And then we would get into that whole thing and

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find out that you know, it has nothing to do

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with anything other than a neuromuscular situation that we could

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deal with. And so I love how you talk about that.

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But as you have experienced people who are quote high achievers,

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you know, whatever that personnelity happens to be, do you

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find that there are similar imprints within their lives that

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literally are affecting and self sabotaging and those type of things,

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And if so, what are they and how do they

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come about?

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Yeah, again, a very good question. The main kind of

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I'll keep a reason that I'm want to get too

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deep into the weeds of psychology, but very high level.

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I'm definitely the story that what's for me is imagine

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you're a baby, you're born, You've got your parents. They're

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busy working, they're busy providing, they're busy trying to build

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a great life for you. Inevitably, they're going to be

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very preoccupied. Right, It's just kind of the way of

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the world that we have these days. They're going to

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be preoccupied. And often you might have a nanny, but

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they often they might just be pretty absent. It's not

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a conscious thing. They're not doing it deliberately, but they're busy, right,

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They are literally preoccupied, and in that vein they are

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becoming emotionally absent to you as a child. As a child,

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what we know is up between the eighties and zero

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and eight, your brain is very spongy and susceptible to

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everything that it receives, and you're not fully conscious, you're

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not fully able to kind of make your own judgments

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or your own kind of rational opinions about things, because

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you're a baby, you're zero eight years old, You're a

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tiny little thing. And so the experience of well, my

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parents are really busy, my parents are absent, or my

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father's traveling. That was my case. My father's on a

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plane's international consultant. Like in McKinsey's styles, he was on

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a plane half the time, and so he's absent. And

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so the little kid's interpretation is going to be something around, Well,

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the parents not here, they're not responding to my cries,

236
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they're not helping me here, there's got to be something

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wrong with me. Probably I've probably done something bad, or

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I'm flawed, I'm broken, I'm defected, and classically I'm not

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good enough. Right, this belief of liarly do something with me.

240
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We personalize everything, and this actually this trend of personalizing

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a lot of what our parents do to us continues

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well through to adult age. I remember when I was

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twenty three when my parents I got a divorce. I immediately

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internalized it as it must be my fault somehow. Of

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course it wasn't anything to do with me. But it's

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this kind of very childlike response that we go into, right,

247
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and that's very much from the core wound place. So

248
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this child will internalize this feeling or this experience of

249
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there must be something wrong with me, I must be

250
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defected or I'm just not good enough, and that becomes

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core wound, and that then begins to fuel a lot

252
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of the behavior that that kid goes on to exhibit.

253
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What it does is a core wound is that really

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creates a belief, an internal belief inside that child. And

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what we know about the human brain is if you

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believe something, it's going to have to be true on

257
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the outside because your brain needs congruence, right, So if

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you believe something, it's going to work very very hard

259
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to recreate that reality on the outside. That's going to

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how law of attraction works. And so if you think

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about this belief or well, I'm not good enough, what's

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that going to do to the child. It's going to

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make them not believe that they're good enough, so they're

264
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going to work extremely hard to prove that they are

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actually good enough, or they're going to self subloge to

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go the other way and just believe that they really

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are no good and it's not even worth doing anything,

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because maybe they have another belief of everything's worthless. I'm worthless.

269
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But with the high achieves what I see a lot

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of is this kind of fuel, this urgency to prove themselves.

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And I'm pretty confident most high achievements probably wouldn't even

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resonate with this when I'm saying it. I know I

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certainly didn't, as like, what's you talking about? You know,

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like I'm not like that at all. I work hard,

275
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ambitious because I love it. I love working seventy hour weeks,

276
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I love like all of this stuff. But it is

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a fuel. It's a fuel coming from this kind of

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internal sense of lack of not being enough, of not

279
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having enough and having to do more, of having to

280
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prove more, of having to work hard, of having to

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earn more. And that is what fuels this kind of

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high achieve mentality at least one kind of thread of it,

283
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and that is where we get a lot of high

284
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achievem it's from. And I pulled up my hand because

285
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that's definitely what fueled me well.

286
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And as you explain that, what comes to my mind

287
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is a lot of people experience that. And you know

288
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what I look at is do they have a higher

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achiever mentality but may not necessarily, according to the world

290
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and social society, be high achievers. And yet because they're

291
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self sabotaging, they're literally, as you say, on that other side,

292
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I'm not going good enough, and so they continue to

293
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prove themselves that they're not good enough. So quote, from

294
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a societal standpoint, they're not high achievers, but from an

295
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emotional mental standpoint, growing up as children thinking I'm not

296
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good enough for whatever reason that happens to be, they

297
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are experiencing the safe same self sabotage.

298
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One hundred percent. And that's self sabotage, like you just said,

299
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it can shop in so many different ways. Right, Even

300
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the person who is high achieving, ostensibly performing well in society,

301
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and maybe they've made their millions and they're living in

302
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their big mansion, they can still be self sabotaging. Their

303
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relationships could be going down the drain. That's kind of

304
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what I specialize in, right, that they not good enough

305
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to have a healthy, secure, meaningful, loving relationship. I'm not

306
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good enough to just be No one's going to love

307
00:15:50.360 --> 00:15:53.120
me for just being me, And so the self sabotage there,

308
00:15:53.159 --> 00:15:55.279
it's not believing that I'm worthy or enough to have

309
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a healthy relationship. So I'm surrounding myself with possessions and

310
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going on holiday and all these experiences, getting quick day

311
00:16:02.840 --> 00:16:05.159
foramine hits because I don't believe that I'm good enough

312
00:16:05.200 --> 00:16:10.080
to have a loving relationship just existing as a human being. Right, So,

313
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I think that self sabage can really shop in so

314
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many different ways, including the way of just not achieving

315
00:16:17.000 --> 00:16:22.840
in society. I'm actually being more kind of classical self sabotage, procrastination, avoidance,

316
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all of these different things.

317
00:16:24.559 --> 00:16:28.960
Well, and you know, I think we all observe some

318
00:16:29.000 --> 00:16:33.799
of these extremely successful high achievers and think, oh, I

319
00:16:33.840 --> 00:16:37.159
want a life like that. But as you work with them,

320
00:16:39.080 --> 00:16:41.919
and as we talk about possessions and ego and all

321
00:16:41.960 --> 00:16:45.240
of that, do we really want to be like them

322
00:16:45.559 --> 00:16:48.559
and have the same challenges or is there a different

323
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approach that can help us to become more whole, less

324
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self sabotaging and happier and learning how to find a

325
00:16:56.679 --> 00:16:59.799
really great relationship and keep a great relationship.

326
00:17:00.159 --> 00:17:01.480
Yeah, yeah, exactly.

327
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So from that perspective, why are relationship so important? I mean,

328
00:17:12.799 --> 00:17:14.359
I know the answer to this, but I want you

329
00:17:14.440 --> 00:17:16.480
to talk about it a little bit. Yeah, why are

330
00:17:16.519 --> 00:17:20.559
relationships so important in people's lives? And how does that

331
00:17:21.200 --> 00:17:26.200
ultimately affect them from a standpoint of living a fulfilling life.

332
00:17:26.960 --> 00:17:30.839
Yeah, and that It's an important question that might have

333
00:17:30.880 --> 00:17:32.480
like an obvious answer, but I think I'm one even

334
00:17:32.559 --> 00:17:36.519
not so obvious answer to this, and that is when

335
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I set out to do relationship coaching. My end goal

336
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was never actually I'm going to help people get into relationships.

337
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It was never actually about that. It was more about,

338
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and this is what I originally kind of stelted out

339
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as was helping people build healthy relationships with themselves, recognizing

340
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that when you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself,

341
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you really have nothing. You are operating on a very

342
00:18:01.680 --> 00:18:05.079
shaky foundation because everything that you go out there to build,

343
00:18:05.440 --> 00:18:08.039
all the wealthier through the career that you build, whatever

344
00:18:08.039 --> 00:18:12.160
it is, it's not rooted in a stable core that

345
00:18:12.279 --> 00:18:17.359
stable relationship with yourself. It's shaky. And so when I

346
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started out with relationship coaching, that's what I wanted to do,

347
00:18:21.039 --> 00:18:23.039
was to help people build a relationship with themselves. What

348
00:18:23.119 --> 00:18:27.079
I realized was people didn't really care about this, right,

349
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because it's kind of framed as like self love and

350
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I'm doing quotation marks because it's such an overused phrase.

351
00:18:32.880 --> 00:18:36.079
It's very wide, I stood, and it's so kind of wooing,

352
00:18:36.119 --> 00:18:40.079
cliche and fluffy. But actually self love is the most

353
00:18:40.160 --> 00:18:42.400
important thing that we can do because that is really

354
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how you become securely attached. It's how you develop a

355
00:18:44.640 --> 00:18:48.359
healthy self esteem, it's how you develop healthy self actualization. Autonomy,

356
00:18:48.440 --> 00:18:51.920
agency is really important things. Confidence, blah blah blah. But like,

357
00:18:52.480 --> 00:18:54.039
people don't want to talk about self love. And so

358
00:18:54.480 --> 00:18:57.240
when I was thinking about, Okay, well, what's an outcome

359
00:18:57.480 --> 00:18:59.279
or a kind of side effect of having a healthy

360
00:18:59.319 --> 00:19:03.039
relationship with this self, it's actually having healthy relationships. Because

361
00:19:03.039 --> 00:19:04.640
only when you have a healthy relationship with yourself and

362
00:19:04.680 --> 00:19:06.599
you have healthy relationships with others, and when you have

363
00:19:06.640 --> 00:19:08.519
healthy relationship with others, you actually develop in a healthy

364
00:19:08.559 --> 00:19:11.880
relationship with yourself. That's kind of one thing. The second

365
00:19:11.960 --> 00:19:14.640
thing that I realized though, was that in order to

366
00:19:14.839 --> 00:19:19.440
develop a healthy relationship with yourself, it's not enough to

367
00:19:19.519 --> 00:19:23.519
do personal development and just work on yourself in a silo.

368
00:19:24.200 --> 00:19:28.000
Because humans are relational beings. We are wired for connection.

369
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And the fact that your low self esteem, your core wounds,

370
00:19:31.759 --> 00:19:34.799
you're inner kind of trappings you're in a self sabotage

371
00:19:35.160 --> 00:19:39.839
stems from your first relationships, your relationships with your primary

372
00:19:39.839 --> 00:19:42.519
caregivers tells us that if we want to go back

373
00:19:42.559 --> 00:19:45.480
and do the work on you and heal your relationship

374
00:19:45.480 --> 00:19:47.279
with yourself, we've got to look at your relationship with

375
00:19:47.319 --> 00:19:51.680
other people. Right, So the relationships you have are almost

376
00:19:51.759 --> 00:19:54.240
kind of the conduit to getting you to having that

377
00:19:54.279 --> 00:19:57.240
self esteem, that confidence, that self all the brilliant, amazing

378
00:19:57.279 --> 00:20:00.559
things that people spend their lives pursuing. The thing is,

379
00:20:00.839 --> 00:20:02.960
you can try and meditate your way to it. You

380
00:20:02.960 --> 00:20:06.799
can do psychedelics, you can you know, see therapists fifteen

381
00:20:06.839 --> 00:20:08.440
years like either. You can do whatever you want to

382
00:20:08.480 --> 00:20:11.400
do working on yourself, but it's not going to do

383
00:20:11.480 --> 00:20:13.720
the trick until you start looking at yourself in relation

384
00:20:13.799 --> 00:20:16.279
to others, because it's other people that are the merior

385
00:20:16.319 --> 00:20:18.839
to how you attach to yourself. It's kind of a

386
00:20:18.920 --> 00:20:22.319
very meta response there. But does that make sense?

387
00:20:22.880 --> 00:20:23.160
Well?

388
00:20:23.240 --> 00:20:26.240
It does, And I think as you say, if we

389
00:20:26.319 --> 00:20:33.279
are only focusing on ourselves, you know, a relationship with

390
00:20:33.359 --> 00:20:37.880
ourselves that can never be as accurate as we observe

391
00:20:37.920 --> 00:20:43.039
our relationships with others, and hopefully those relationships, whether they

392
00:20:43.160 --> 00:20:48.119
end up continuing on, whether they're friendships or romantic relationships

393
00:20:48.319 --> 00:20:50.279
or even relationships.

394
00:20:49.720 --> 00:20:50.680
With family members.

395
00:20:51.319 --> 00:20:54.279
Is we look at that, You're right, then all of

396
00:20:54.319 --> 00:20:57.480
a sudden we have a contrast of what's going on.

397
00:20:58.200 --> 00:21:00.799
And then I love the fact that then you start

398
00:21:00.839 --> 00:21:06.519
to do that internal looking and saying why why is

399
00:21:06.559 --> 00:21:08.039
this relationship so great?

400
00:21:08.839 --> 00:21:12.480
Why did this relationship not work out right?

401
00:21:12.880 --> 00:21:15.440
Because this is the thing right. I remember having so

402
00:21:15.640 --> 00:21:17.880
many friends. And again I fell into this trap too,

403
00:21:18.039 --> 00:21:21.319
of thinking I've been in therapy for a long time.

404
00:21:21.960 --> 00:21:25.680
You know, I know myself inside out. I journal, I meditate,

405
00:21:26.559 --> 00:21:29.200
I'll be fine. I can get into a relationship and

406
00:21:29.240 --> 00:21:31.240
I'll figure it out because I feel very healthy and

407
00:21:31.319 --> 00:21:35.119
solid and stable within myself. But it's easy to feel

408
00:21:35.160 --> 00:21:38.440
healthy and stable and solid within yourself. It's very easy

409
00:21:38.440 --> 00:21:41.920
when you're on your own. It's incredibly difficult when you're

410
00:21:41.960 --> 00:21:44.480
in a relationship with someone who has the potential to

411
00:21:44.480 --> 00:21:46.559
be a soulmate and is going to trigger the heck

412
00:21:46.599 --> 00:21:49.519
out of you, because that's what relationships do, right, Because

413
00:21:49.519 --> 00:21:53.039
we are relational beings, So the work has to be

414
00:21:53.079 --> 00:21:56.359
relational if we really want to grow, which is why

415
00:21:56.519 --> 00:21:58.240
I think it's the most important work that we can

416
00:21:58.319 --> 00:21:59.279
be doing for ourselves.

417
00:21:59.319 --> 00:22:02.200
Well, when you talk about those triggers, and you know,

418
00:22:02.640 --> 00:22:06.839
it's so fascinating, I experienced. I've experienced this my life.

419
00:22:07.319 --> 00:22:10.480
You know, I have four kids, and I happen to

420
00:22:10.680 --> 00:22:14.519
be a high d so I'm strong personality. I wouldn't

421
00:22:14.519 --> 00:22:18.359
say I'm a necessarily high achiever, though I grew up

422
00:22:18.359 --> 00:22:20.359
in a family that kind of demanded that.

423
00:22:21.000 --> 00:22:25.000
But I don't think any high achievements and high achievements

424
00:22:25.079 --> 00:22:28.000
to be good. No one does, no one. I was like,

425
00:22:28.039 --> 00:22:30.519
oh no, I badly, what I give you so much better?

426
00:22:30.640 --> 00:22:35.000
So yeah, But what I find is it's so interesting

427
00:22:35.079 --> 00:22:40.920
that I can say something to my kids and becoming

428
00:22:41.119 --> 00:22:45.359
from a point of I'm your father and I really

429
00:22:45.400 --> 00:22:47.440
want to be able to be there to help you,

430
00:22:48.119 --> 00:22:52.960
and yet their perception, for whatever reason, is I'm criticizing

431
00:22:53.440 --> 00:22:56.079
and therefore I see these triggers come up, and I

432
00:22:56.160 --> 00:22:59.440
experienced the same thing for myself. How how do we

433
00:23:00.599 --> 00:23:03.079
number one, how do we recognize the trigger that we

434
00:23:03.160 --> 00:23:06.799
have those triggers? And number two, how do we then

435
00:23:06.920 --> 00:23:10.640
start to work on those and start to minimize I

436
00:23:10.640 --> 00:23:14.039
would like to say eliminate, but at least minimize those

437
00:23:14.079 --> 00:23:18.279
triggers so that they're not affecting our relationships. And obviously,

438
00:23:18.319 --> 00:23:22.400
as you said, we observe that in our relationships, but

439
00:23:22.559 --> 00:23:24.759
there still has to be that individual work.

440
00:23:25.920 --> 00:23:31.319
Yeah, yeah, Yeah, such a good point. The triggers are

441
00:23:31.359 --> 00:23:33.920
really indicative of where we need to be leaning in

442
00:23:34.039 --> 00:23:36.480
to do that in a work, right. I always kind

443
00:23:36.480 --> 00:23:38.720
of say that, at least with my clients, when we

444
00:23:38.759 --> 00:23:41.559
work together, that the trigger becomes a good thing because

445
00:23:41.599 --> 00:23:43.640
in the end, the trigger is pointing you to where

446
00:23:43.680 --> 00:23:45.960
you need to go inward and where you need to

447
00:23:46.000 --> 00:23:49.000
do some clearing and some healing and self soothing and

448
00:23:49.079 --> 00:23:51.000
all of the brilliant practices that we have of our

449
00:23:51.039 --> 00:23:54.200
sleeves to heal that trigger. And they're not something to

450
00:23:54.279 --> 00:23:56.640
run from, they're not something to avoid to numb out from.

451
00:23:57.240 --> 00:24:02.240
And really the main vehicle or resolving triggers is going

452
00:24:02.279 --> 00:24:06.079
to be to learn to go inward and to learn

453
00:24:06.799 --> 00:24:09.319
what I call it to dialogue with that trigger, to

454
00:24:09.400 --> 00:24:12.400
really begin to understand where is it coming from, what

455
00:24:12.440 --> 00:24:16.599
does it need, What would it look like to have

456
00:24:16.680 --> 00:24:19.599
a different manifestation of whatever the trigger's trying to get

457
00:24:19.599 --> 00:24:20.920
from you, because typically it is going to be an

458
00:24:21.000 --> 00:24:23.599
unconscious need that's trying to get met right, So it's

459
00:24:23.599 --> 00:24:26.319
this kind of in an inquiry process that ultimately yet

460
00:24:26.480 --> 00:24:29.240
it doesn't need you to be in therapy. It doesn't

461
00:24:29.279 --> 00:24:32.279
need you to be working with a coach for years

462
00:24:32.279 --> 00:24:36.160
on end. It's something that you learn. Once you practice it,

463
00:24:36.240 --> 00:24:39.640
you learn to embody it, and then you have got

464
00:24:39.720 --> 00:24:42.200
self mastery. You can go ahead and you'll be triggered

465
00:24:42.359 --> 00:24:44.160
until the end of your day. Is probably right. We're

466
00:24:44.160 --> 00:24:46.480
all going to be triggered. It's part of the human condition.

467
00:24:47.240 --> 00:24:48.799
But it's like this kind of onion lay where you're

468
00:24:49.079 --> 00:24:51.799
feeling away the different layers of triggers to get more

469
00:24:51.799 --> 00:24:54.039
and more clear that that kind of call that kernel

470
00:24:54.079 --> 00:24:54.720
of who you are.

471
00:24:56.160 --> 00:25:01.039
And as we do that, you talk about meditation kind

472
00:25:01.039 --> 00:25:02.839
of in a negative aspect.

473
00:25:04.319 --> 00:25:05.039
Meditation daring.

474
00:25:05.160 --> 00:25:07.400
Oh okay, I was going to say, I do too.

475
00:25:07.440 --> 00:25:11.119
I try to meditate every day a lot of times

476
00:25:11.119 --> 00:25:14.599
for walking meditation. But it's interesting what you were saying,

477
00:25:14.640 --> 00:25:17.480
because as I was walking the other day and thinking

478
00:25:17.519 --> 00:25:22.359
about and I use self, I use sophagio frequencies that

479
00:25:22.400 --> 00:25:25.920
I listened to as I'm doing that, and obviously one

480
00:25:26.039 --> 00:25:28.519
is the heart and and so I'm thinking to myself,

481
00:25:28.519 --> 00:25:31.079
and that's where you really struck a note. You know,

482
00:25:31.440 --> 00:25:33.279
I need to have more self love. I need to

483
00:25:33.279 --> 00:25:35.319
be able to love myself, so on and so forth.

484
00:25:36.680 --> 00:25:40.880
So let's talk about how can an individual, with what

485
00:25:40.960 --> 00:25:45.039
you have just explained, use meditation to be able to

486
00:25:45.160 --> 00:25:49.720
confront those triggers and to be able to work through

487
00:25:49.759 --> 00:25:54.480
them so that they're not being as deeply affected as

488
00:25:54.480 --> 00:25:55.720
they have been in the past.

489
00:25:56.720 --> 00:26:01.119
Yeah, and this is when meditation seem powerful. I'll never

490
00:26:01.160 --> 00:26:03.799
forget when I called off my first engagement. I was

491
00:26:03.799 --> 00:26:06.319
going through my mindfulness based stress reduction teacher training, so

492
00:26:06.359 --> 00:26:08.079
I was actually training to be a Mindflan's tea shirt

493
00:26:08.519 --> 00:26:11.240
And it was the perfect timing because I was going

494
00:26:11.279 --> 00:26:14.960
through absolute hell of just grief and despair and my

495
00:26:15.000 --> 00:26:18.119
whole world collapsing. But I had to sit through eight

496
00:26:18.200 --> 00:26:21.240
hours of essentially meditation T shirt training, which you can

497
00:26:21.279 --> 00:26:24.240
imagine is like three hours of meditation here, an hour

498
00:26:24.279 --> 00:26:29.599
of meditation here, all day every day. Oh yeah, yeah,

499
00:26:28.400 --> 00:26:32.759
it was. It was intense, but it was so powerful

500
00:26:32.880 --> 00:26:36.240
to just go inward and be with myself and you know,

501
00:26:36.359 --> 00:26:40.240
kind of go through that pain and come out the

502
00:26:40.279 --> 00:26:42.200
other side. Of course, there are waves of it went

503
00:26:42.240 --> 00:26:45.160
on for months, but it was still such a helpful tool.

504
00:26:45.200 --> 00:26:46.839
And I do believe that I actually healed from that

505
00:26:46.880 --> 00:26:49.960
breakup much faster with that tool than had I just

506
00:26:50.640 --> 00:26:54.920
you know, drunk and gone out or whatever rebounded. Not

507
00:26:54.960 --> 00:26:56.480
that I didn't try to do that as well, but

508
00:26:56.640 --> 00:26:59.640
you understand that meditation is very pivotal. So what I

509
00:26:59.640 --> 00:27:03.960
always how my clients is even if you don't like meditating,

510
00:27:03.960 --> 00:27:06.200
even if you don't like sitting still and it's observing

511
00:27:06.200 --> 00:27:09.039
your thoughts for twenty to thirty minutes, you can learn

512
00:27:09.079 --> 00:27:12.359
to start to start to observe the sensations in your

513
00:27:12.400 --> 00:27:15.839
body and start to observe where does the trigger live,

514
00:27:16.400 --> 00:27:18.440
Because it's going to live somewhere, right, It's going to

515
00:27:18.480 --> 00:27:21.559
live really trap somewhere in the body and big on somatic.

516
00:27:21.720 --> 00:27:24.680
So where is it living in the body, How does

517
00:27:24.720 --> 00:27:27.599
it feel in the body, and this is already kind

518
00:27:27.599 --> 00:27:30.599
of starting to go inward into that process to connect

519
00:27:30.599 --> 00:27:33.160
with it. And then once you're connecting with it, you

520
00:27:33.200 --> 00:27:36.799
can start to build that internal dialogue of soothing it,

521
00:27:37.480 --> 00:27:40.839
of understanding it, of unpacking what's going on for it.

522
00:27:41.240 --> 00:27:44.799
Where whose voice even is it? How old is that voice?

523
00:27:44.960 --> 00:27:47.480
Where is it coming from? And as you're kind of

524
00:27:47.559 --> 00:27:49.720
it's like you're being an inspector and you're just going

525
00:27:49.759 --> 00:27:52.960
through with a magnifying glass, trying to drill down into

526
00:27:53.000 --> 00:27:56.559
that trigger in order to give it more space, in

527
00:27:56.640 --> 00:27:59.440
order to let it speak. Because when we give something

528
00:27:59.440 --> 00:28:02.079
space and speak, it says what it has to say,

529
00:28:02.119 --> 00:28:03.440
and then it tends to calm down.

530
00:28:03.960 --> 00:28:04.079
Right.

531
00:28:04.119 --> 00:28:06.200
It's when we're numbing it out and repressing and avoiding

532
00:28:06.200 --> 00:28:07.119
it that starts to scream.

533
00:28:08.039 --> 00:28:11.079
Well, and what you're talking about reminds me of NLP

534
00:28:11.240 --> 00:28:16.240
NEU a linguistic program, because you know, to me that

535
00:28:16.240 --> 00:28:19.279
that very thing and finding out where's the pain located

536
00:28:19.319 --> 00:28:23.279
and then going back and discovering where did you experience

537
00:28:23.359 --> 00:28:25.799
that as a child, and then going in and reframing it.

538
00:28:25.839 --> 00:28:26.880
That's what you're really saying.

539
00:28:26.960 --> 00:28:29.440
So what you're really what you're saying, though, is people

540
00:28:29.480 --> 00:28:32.279
can do that on their own through.

541
00:28:32.440 --> 00:28:34.000
A meditative process.

542
00:28:34.599 --> 00:28:38.839
But you talk, you talk about mindfulness, okay, and and

543
00:28:38.880 --> 00:28:41.759
I think for people to understand that that's a word

544
00:28:41.799 --> 00:28:44.920
again that's being thrown around all over the place. Yeah,

545
00:28:44.960 --> 00:28:48.559
but what is mindfulness and why is it so important

546
00:28:48.759 --> 00:28:51.519
that we seek to achieve mindfulness?

547
00:28:54.839 --> 00:28:58.319
Why is it important because life is passing us by

548
00:28:58.359 --> 00:29:00.440
and if we're not mindful of it and were even

549
00:29:00.480 --> 00:29:06.880
doing right. Really it's about I'm going to go back

550
00:29:06.880 --> 00:29:09.799
again to my kind of person. Example, I remember when

551
00:29:09.839 --> 00:29:13.279
I was in such such a hellish place, pulling off

552
00:29:13.279 --> 00:29:15.920
that engagement, being in the depths of grief and despair.

553
00:29:16.799 --> 00:29:19.079
The more that I was able to become mindful of

554
00:29:19.119 --> 00:29:21.920
my own experience and be with my own experience and

555
00:29:21.960 --> 00:29:26.960
go inward, the better I felt, the safer I felt.

556
00:29:27.759 --> 00:29:29.680
Until eventually I got to this place where I was

557
00:29:29.839 --> 00:29:33.480
kind of cocooning in myself and just hanging out there

558
00:29:33.960 --> 00:29:36.839
literally being embodied, which is something I always tried to

559
00:29:36.880 --> 00:29:40.480
achieve before, rationally try to like study embodiment, learn the

560
00:29:40.519 --> 00:29:42.839
process and body. But it was actually through pain that

561
00:29:42.920 --> 00:29:46.119
I started to be more embodied and be with myself

562
00:29:46.200 --> 00:29:47.920
because there's nothing else really there for me to do,

563
00:29:48.640 --> 00:29:52.000
and that's when I found peacefulness. That's when I found

564
00:29:52.519 --> 00:29:56.480
kind of bliss there, living moment to moment, second and

565
00:29:56.599 --> 00:30:00.720
second being just in my body and being away of

566
00:30:00.759 --> 00:30:03.680
all the sensations of the experience of living because I

567
00:30:03.759 --> 00:30:06.960
realized that there's nothing to worry about. I'm here and

568
00:30:07.039 --> 00:30:10.720
I'm alive, and I'm breathing and I'm safe, and that's

569
00:30:10.759 --> 00:30:13.839
kind of really it. And the kind of the beauty

570
00:30:13.880 --> 00:30:15.519
of the world that had spanned to me and open

571
00:30:15.640 --> 00:30:18.359
up and I just remember having these moments of feeling

572
00:30:18.920 --> 00:30:21.880
very at peace after so many years of not feeling

573
00:30:21.920 --> 00:30:24.000
at peace, and this is, you know, in the depths

574
00:30:24.039 --> 00:30:26.759
of something really awful, having to pull off my wedding

575
00:30:26.799 --> 00:30:29.799
and like terrible things happening, but there was nothing else

576
00:30:29.799 --> 00:30:31.799
to do but to go inward. It was too scary

577
00:30:31.799 --> 00:30:34.960
to be outward. And that's when I discovered. I've been

578
00:30:34.960 --> 00:30:37.000
meditating for about ten years by this point, but that's

579
00:30:37.000 --> 00:30:40.079
when I discovered a whole new level of meditative depth,

580
00:30:40.799 --> 00:30:44.599
and I really felt the peaceless and the clarity that

581
00:30:44.640 --> 00:30:45.319
can come from it.

582
00:30:46.440 --> 00:30:49.680
Well, and you know, I think that's that's the goal

583
00:30:49.759 --> 00:30:52.440
of everyone in their lives.

584
00:30:52.559 --> 00:30:54.000
Regardless of the relationships.

585
00:30:54.000 --> 00:30:57.200
That's well, yeah, they really are trying to achieve. And

586
00:30:57.759 --> 00:30:59.920
you know, we talk about mindfulness, we talk about it

587
00:31:00.119 --> 00:31:01.279
higher consciousness.

588
00:31:01.839 --> 00:31:04.279
I mean, the reality is, if I'm understanding, you.

589
00:31:05.000 --> 00:31:08.680
Know, we need to be aware of what's going on

590
00:31:08.759 --> 00:31:11.960
in our lives and why we are experiencing I think

591
00:31:11.960 --> 00:31:15.640
there's so many people that have become victims in their

592
00:31:15.640 --> 00:31:20.440
own lives because they're not consciously aware, they're not mindful,

593
00:31:20.839 --> 00:31:23.240
and they're not actually doing that type.

594
00:31:22.920 --> 00:31:27.480
Of focus on why am I experiencing this?

595
00:31:27.599 --> 00:31:31.119
And what are those triggers that I'm trying to avoid,

596
00:31:31.319 --> 00:31:33.240
which is basically.

597
00:31:32.720 --> 00:31:35.079
Attracting of everything I'm trying to.

598
00:31:35.000 --> 00:31:37.720
Avoid exactly exactly.

599
00:31:39.079 --> 00:31:44.240
So, as you work with people, how many times do

600
00:31:44.279 --> 00:31:46.240
you find people that are telling you, you know, it's

601
00:31:46.279 --> 00:31:49.720
too late. I mean, you know there's I've been through

602
00:31:49.799 --> 00:31:52.599
relationships they just haven't.

603
00:31:52.319 --> 00:31:55.039
Worked, and I feel like now it's a little bit

604
00:31:55.079 --> 00:31:55.519
too late.

605
00:31:56.599 --> 00:31:59.519
Yeah, I do hear that a lot. Needless to sail

606
00:32:00.039 --> 00:32:02.440
don't work with me. Right, I'll kind of discover this.

607
00:32:03.160 --> 00:32:05.720
There'll be a moment of curiosity, will jump on a call,

608
00:32:06.759 --> 00:32:09.160
we have a lovely conversation, and then I kind of

609
00:32:09.200 --> 00:32:15.400
begin to feel this disheartenment, this like kind of defeated sense,

610
00:32:16.240 --> 00:32:18.440
And when I drill down into it, it really is

611
00:32:18.640 --> 00:32:21.200
a belief that it's not going to happen for me.

612
00:32:21.680 --> 00:32:22.680
It's not going to happen for me.

613
00:32:22.799 --> 00:32:22.960
You know.

614
00:32:23.240 --> 00:32:24.720
Often it if people who are kind of forty five

615
00:32:24.759 --> 00:32:28.279
plus and that actually there's some women that's even younger.

616
00:32:28.480 --> 00:32:31.240
There's a forty two plus, and it's this belief of

617
00:32:31.400 --> 00:32:33.440
just like, yeah, it's not going to happen, and I'm

618
00:32:33.480 --> 00:32:37.119
best off either just enjoying my life, which it's like

619
00:32:37.240 --> 00:32:40.640
having short term flames and going on a holiday. I

620
00:32:40.720 --> 00:32:42.440
keep hearing that, like people going on a holiday as

621
00:32:42.440 --> 00:32:44.960
if it's going to solve their problems, and having short

622
00:32:45.000 --> 00:32:47.559
term flings and going on holidays and just making a

623
00:32:47.559 --> 00:32:52.279
lot of money and being single and versus yeah, just

624
00:32:52.319 --> 00:32:55.839
fully giving up and being quite sad about it. It's

625
00:32:56.200 --> 00:32:58.079
and I see it more in women, which I find

626
00:32:58.200 --> 00:33:01.359
really sad. I find that really really sad. And some

627
00:33:01.440 --> 00:33:03.880
of my best clients have been men in their fifties

628
00:33:04.680 --> 00:33:07.720
who have refused to give up, and they've been like, Nope,

629
00:33:07.880 --> 00:33:09.759
I'm going to figure this out. I don't want to

630
00:33:09.799 --> 00:33:12.440
die alone, and they roll their sleeves up, and they

631
00:33:12.480 --> 00:33:14.519
might they might never have done any therapy, they might

632
00:33:14.559 --> 00:33:17.359
never have done any coaching. Some of them's game and

633
00:33:17.400 --> 00:33:19.920
they lean in and they show up and they do

634
00:33:19.960 --> 00:33:22.680
the work and they get into a relationship. We get

635
00:33:22.680 --> 00:33:25.440
into an amazing relationship, Like three months later one of

636
00:33:25.440 --> 00:33:28.559
my clients did, and or you know, or they're trying

637
00:33:28.559 --> 00:33:30.079
to improve their marriage. Because I work with a lot

638
00:33:30.119 --> 00:33:32.279
of people in relationship as well, and they're often deciding

639
00:33:32.279 --> 00:33:35.119
should they say, should they go? And they're not prepared

640
00:33:35.160 --> 00:33:38.559
to settle and tolerate CRuMs. But there are certainly people

641
00:33:38.559 --> 00:33:42.039
who are prepared to settle and not do anything.

642
00:33:44.519 --> 00:33:48.039
And how do people end up in bad relationships?

643
00:33:48.400 --> 00:33:50.680
I have another question for you as you as you

644
00:33:50.839 --> 00:33:56.200
talked about men versus the women, do you find that

645
00:33:56.799 --> 00:33:59.599
as you get older, because that becomes a challenge as

646
00:33:59.640 --> 00:34:03.200
you're getting older, you're obviously getting more sitting in your ways,

647
00:34:03.279 --> 00:34:07.359
But do you find that there's a mentality a state

648
00:34:07.519 --> 00:34:10.800
that occurs as you get older that actually makes it

649
00:34:10.840 --> 00:34:14.920
more difficult for you to either be a good companion

650
00:34:15.320 --> 00:34:16.840
or to find a good companion.

651
00:34:18.440 --> 00:34:21.760
Yeah, it's to me, it's all an in a belief

652
00:34:21.800 --> 00:34:25.760
system bit of work if you are and again I

653
00:34:25.760 --> 00:34:29.079
definitely said this more in women, if you are believing

654
00:34:29.199 --> 00:34:32.320
that it's not going to happen for you, or there

655
00:34:32.320 --> 00:34:34.239
are no good men left, or there are no good

656
00:34:34.280 --> 00:34:36.880
people left. And I think the reason that happens more

657
00:34:36.880 --> 00:34:39.480
for women is because I think women, unfortunately and I

658
00:34:39.480 --> 00:34:42.079
can totally relate to this, have been conditioned to believe

659
00:34:42.119 --> 00:34:46.079
of their love life as a timeline. Right, you're perfection

660
00:34:46.239 --> 00:34:48.400
bright in your twenties and in your early thirties, you

661
00:34:48.400 --> 00:34:51.719
know you're a prime catch. My mid thirties time is sticking.

662
00:34:52.360 --> 00:34:55.079
If you want to have kids by your late thirties, oof,

663
00:34:55.239 --> 00:34:59.320
you're probably past it in your forties, good luck. I

664
00:34:59.360 --> 00:35:01.800
hear that from men telling me about that woman. I

665
00:35:01.800 --> 00:35:03.559
hear that from them. I think it's absolutely disgusting and

666
00:35:03.599 --> 00:35:07.679
awfuland so sad. At the same time, we can't deny that.

667
00:35:07.719 --> 00:35:09.639
I think it does actually condition a lot of the

668
00:35:09.679 --> 00:35:12.760
mentality around Am I going to find healthy love at

669
00:35:12.760 --> 00:35:17.199
this point? Probably not, which is complete nonsense. We know

670
00:35:17.280 --> 00:35:20.719
that statistically not true. We know that if it's if

671
00:35:20.760 --> 00:35:22.800
you believe that you won't, well, then you won't. But

672
00:35:22.840 --> 00:35:25.000
if you believe that you can and you are worthy

673
00:35:25.039 --> 00:35:27.239
of it, even just a little bit, and you have

674
00:35:27.360 --> 00:35:29.679
even just a little bit of desire, and you're willing

675
00:35:29.719 --> 00:35:31.360
to put the work in, which doesn't have to be

676
00:35:31.400 --> 00:35:33.599
that much work. I tell my clients it's three to

677
00:35:33.639 --> 00:35:36.760
six months. That's it of prioritizing your love life, and

678
00:35:36.800 --> 00:35:40.760
you can transform everything completely, you can. But it's that

679
00:35:40.880 --> 00:35:43.440
self belief. What I think, what I see with men

680
00:35:43.519 --> 00:35:46.800
is that because men don't have that biological timeline or

681
00:35:46.840 --> 00:35:50.599
that kind of societal prush, and often actually the societal

682
00:35:50.719 --> 00:35:52.519
narrative with men is that they get better with age.

683
00:35:52.800 --> 00:35:53.760
So I do see.

684
00:35:53.519 --> 00:35:59.320
That, right, right, terrible, I had to think that.

685
00:35:58.679 --> 00:36:01.679
Terrible, And so I see a lot more kind of

686
00:36:01.679 --> 00:36:03.840
hope and confidence of a lot of the men. But

687
00:36:03.840 --> 00:36:06.519
that also can come with a lum naivety. I've worked

688
00:36:06.519 --> 00:36:08.639
with plenty of men in their forties and fifties who

689
00:36:08.760 --> 00:36:10.320
think that, you know, they're the bees knees and they

690
00:36:10.360 --> 00:36:12.840
can get twenty year old and they're out there trying

691
00:36:12.880 --> 00:36:15.079
to date twenty year olds, and I'm like, you're looking

692
00:36:15.079 --> 00:36:17.519
for a life partner, you're looking for a wife, you're

693
00:36:17.519 --> 00:36:20.239
looking for someone who mean equal, what are you doing?

694
00:36:21.280 --> 00:36:21.760
No?

695
00:36:22.880 --> 00:36:26.679
Well, yeah, yeah, And sometimes I mean I observe, and

696
00:36:27.159 --> 00:36:31.760
I like your differentiation. I observe so many times, particularly

697
00:36:31.760 --> 00:36:34.000
on Facebook. I have a lot of friends, and it's

698
00:36:34.039 --> 00:36:36.960
interesting to see the women who get together and go

699
00:36:37.000 --> 00:36:40.320
on cruises together. They get together and you know, they

700
00:36:40.360 --> 00:36:43.239
go to this and that together, and they're always showing

701
00:36:43.280 --> 00:36:46.360
pictures of themselves in their group. I don't see that

702
00:36:46.480 --> 00:36:50.360
very often from men, but I definitely see that from

703
00:36:50.400 --> 00:36:55.239
the women. And are they developing a mental state to

704
00:36:55.360 --> 00:36:58.559
where they're not ever going to find that relationship because

705
00:36:58.599 --> 00:37:01.320
they're just finding they're just going to be with their girlfriends.

706
00:37:01.800 --> 00:37:04.079
Yeah. I think. I think a lot of it is

707
00:37:04.119 --> 00:37:07.559
going to be societal pushback, right because women have been

708
00:37:07.760 --> 00:37:10.800
incredibly oppressed for so long, and there's been so many

709
00:37:11.320 --> 00:37:13.599
such a lack of freedom, and there's been so much

710
00:37:13.719 --> 00:37:16.719
bad behavior in a relationship. I mean, women couldn't have

711
00:37:16.760 --> 00:37:19.960
credit cards until the seventies, like rape in marriage will

712
00:37:20.000 --> 00:37:22.360
have legalize them. But there's so much horrible stuff. So

713
00:37:22.400 --> 00:37:24.880
I do believe that there's kind of this reclamation of freedom,

714
00:37:25.239 --> 00:37:27.599
but I think it can go. I think the energy

715
00:37:27.679 --> 00:37:30.280
can come from as a wounded energy. It's an energy

716
00:37:30.360 --> 00:37:33.639
of defeat, it's an energy of well screw everyone else.

717
00:37:33.719 --> 00:37:36.440
I'm going to just do my own thing, which is

718
00:37:36.480 --> 00:37:39.400
been coming from a place of I deeply love myself

719
00:37:39.440 --> 00:37:41.239
and I want myself to have the best life that

720
00:37:41.280 --> 00:37:44.719
I can, which very likely would involve having someone who

721
00:37:44.760 --> 00:37:48.639
deeply loves me. Right. That's so much more vulnerable energy,

722
00:37:48.679 --> 00:37:50.480
which I think can be quite scary to lean into,

723
00:37:50.679 --> 00:37:53.559
especially when the narrative around is there are no good

724
00:37:53.599 --> 00:37:56.320
men left. You know, all the men are, you know,

725
00:37:56.480 --> 00:37:57.920
cheats or whatever it might be.

726
00:37:59.199 --> 00:38:02.880
Well, and for those that do, why do some people

727
00:38:03.000 --> 00:38:08.199
compromise and find themselves consistently in a wrong relationship, and

728
00:38:08.760 --> 00:38:10.880
they may get out of it and find exactly the

729
00:38:10.920 --> 00:38:15.840
same thing again, What is this about compromising ourselves and

730
00:38:15.920 --> 00:38:18.840
allowing ourselves to get into those wrong relationships?

731
00:38:19.320 --> 00:38:22.519
Yeah? Great question. It's back to that core wound. Right,

732
00:38:22.559 --> 00:38:24.679
So everything that I do, and my clients will probably

733
00:38:24.800 --> 00:38:26.639
sick of me talking about this is everything that I

734
00:38:26.679 --> 00:38:29.920
do all about take it back to the core wounds.

735
00:38:30.360 --> 00:38:33.760
Lay them out at the core wound place. Again. I

736
00:38:33.800 --> 00:38:36.320
love therapy, but I did fifteen years that I'm gotten

737
00:38:36.320 --> 00:38:38.599
as how much money as spent, don't know how far

738
00:38:38.679 --> 00:38:41.440
it got me? Right, just talking up here, it's all

739
00:38:41.480 --> 00:38:43.920
about going to the court, to the route, like you said.

740
00:38:44.519 --> 00:38:47.840
And so when we think about patterns of behavior like

741
00:38:48.920 --> 00:38:52.079
repeatedly ending up in relationships where you end up getting

742
00:38:52.119 --> 00:38:54.760
cheated on, repeatedly ending up in relationships where you feel

743
00:38:54.800 --> 00:38:57.920
put on a pedestal by somebody else, repeatedly ending up

744
00:38:57.920 --> 00:38:59.960
in relationships where you don't feel safe, we don't try

745
00:39:00.360 --> 00:39:04.679
your partner or your partner is like a distant or

746
00:39:04.960 --> 00:39:07.119
you know, bread crumbing, You like leaving your bread crumbs,

747
00:39:07.159 --> 00:39:09.199
and you have to really fight for more love. These

748
00:39:09.239 --> 00:39:12.119
are all patterns, and the patterns come from the wounds,

749
00:39:12.559 --> 00:39:14.679
and we really have to drill down into what is

750
00:39:14.800 --> 00:39:18.320
the core wound, what are the beliefs, and what kind

751
00:39:18.360 --> 00:39:21.800
of identity has been formed on the unconscious level, not conscious,

752
00:39:21.840 --> 00:39:25.280
the unconscious level that we then need to be dismantling

753
00:39:26.000 --> 00:39:28.840
and kind of upgrading or leveling up, whatever you want

754
00:39:28.880 --> 00:39:31.920
to call it, and clearing out the junk, the kind

755
00:39:31.920 --> 00:39:35.159
of the self sabotage that's creating this attraction to the

756
00:39:35.239 --> 00:39:37.159
patterns and creating the patents to be attracted to you.

757
00:39:37.800 --> 00:39:40.400
Because ultimately it's all happened on an unconscious level. You

758
00:39:40.519 --> 00:39:43.320
can try again talk about it consciously. You can journal

759
00:39:43.400 --> 00:39:46.519
about it. You can, you know, rant to your friends

760
00:39:46.679 --> 00:39:49.519
and go to singles events and try to change the

761
00:39:49.599 --> 00:39:52.280
pattern and look for someone better. But if you haven't

762
00:39:52.440 --> 00:39:54.760
dealed with it, dealt with it on an unconscious level,

763
00:39:55.159 --> 00:39:58.000
on a core root wound level, it's not going to work.

764
00:39:58.639 --> 00:40:01.159
Why because you're unconscious mind is ninety five to ninety

765
00:40:01.199 --> 00:40:05.320
seven percent of your brain. It's like physically possible to

766
00:40:05.440 --> 00:40:09.920
try to consciously control your unconscious mind. It doesn't work.

767
00:40:10.840 --> 00:40:15.199
And you know, you talk about individuals that have established

768
00:40:15.320 --> 00:40:18.000
quote a self love, they love themselves. I can be

769
00:40:18.079 --> 00:40:20.440
on my own and you know, and I do that

770
00:40:20.519 --> 00:40:23.079
once in a while because I realize, as you said,

771
00:40:23.559 --> 00:40:26.320
there has to be that foundation of self love in

772
00:40:26.519 --> 00:40:29.400
order to be there for a relationship. But at the

773
00:40:29.440 --> 00:40:33.559
same time, there's so many people that get stay in

774
00:40:33.679 --> 00:40:36.639
that self love and I don't need a relationship and

775
00:40:36.719 --> 00:40:37.199
so forth.

776
00:40:37.920 --> 00:40:40.719
What have you found? What does a relationship, a good

777
00:40:40.840 --> 00:40:42.719
relationship do for.

778
00:40:42.800 --> 00:40:47.239
An individual that has really developed that personal self love

779
00:40:47.320 --> 00:40:48.159
in a healthy way.

780
00:40:49.679 --> 00:40:51.159
What does a relationship do?

781
00:40:51.440 --> 00:40:51.480
What?

782
00:40:52.119 --> 00:40:54.960
How does it bring them to a higher level of

783
00:40:55.199 --> 00:40:58.559
peace and joy that they would not experience as an

784
00:40:58.639 --> 00:41:00.559
individual that is just good on their own.

785
00:41:01.599 --> 00:41:05.400
Yeah, there's two things. Well, there's obviously more than two things.

786
00:41:05.440 --> 00:41:09.119
It does many wonderful things, but kind of two things

787
00:41:09.199 --> 00:41:14.079
on a large scale level. It does healing and it

788
00:41:14.199 --> 00:41:18.400
creates safety. Right Like, on the one hand, most of

789
00:41:18.519 --> 00:41:20.840
us have wounds that need healing. I mean again, it's

790
00:41:20.840 --> 00:41:22.320
part of the human condition. If you have an ego,

791
00:41:22.360 --> 00:41:25.719
you've got woonds basically, and most of us feel deeply

792
00:41:25.840 --> 00:41:28.320
unsafe in our bodies in where we are in the world.

793
00:41:28.360 --> 00:41:31.840
We won't be aware of it consciously, but there's going

794
00:41:31.920 --> 00:41:33.920
to be this kind of lack of safety. And so

795
00:41:34.639 --> 00:41:39.440
being in relationship, feeling connected, feeling loved, feeling chosen, feeling

796
00:41:39.519 --> 00:41:42.039
safe with someone, feeling trustful.

797
00:41:41.519 --> 00:41:45.599
Of someone creates deep nervous system safety, especially if they

798
00:41:45.679 --> 00:41:48.679
are on a similar page and they're also kind of

799
00:41:48.840 --> 00:41:51.239
you know, they've done there inner work and you're able

800
00:41:51.239 --> 00:41:54.239
to kind of coregulate your nervous systems together, and all

801
00:41:54.280 --> 00:41:56.760
of the love hormones, the cocktail of wonderful womens that

802
00:41:56.840 --> 00:41:59.599
come from that intimacy creates a lot of safety in

803
00:41:59.599 --> 00:42:01.840
the body, which is just a really wonderful, nourishing place

804
00:42:01.920 --> 00:42:03.559
to be and it's very.

805
00:42:03.559 --> 00:42:06.880
Healing and then the healing aspect of it. There's going

806
00:42:06.960 --> 00:42:09.960
to be triggers in the person that you love. That

807
00:42:10.159 --> 00:42:12.559
is how it works. The person who you are most

808
00:42:13.039 --> 00:42:15.639
drawn to from a kind of safe perspective, not like

809
00:42:15.719 --> 00:42:19.239
a trauma bond or a toxic relationship, but a healthy, safe,

810
00:42:19.320 --> 00:42:23.800
loving connection, they're going to be triggering you. Why because

811
00:42:23.840 --> 00:42:25.880
that is just kind of the beauty on an unconscious

812
00:42:25.920 --> 00:42:27.480
level of the people that we're drawn to, the people

813
00:42:27.519 --> 00:42:29.559
who are good for us, because they're going to bring

814
00:42:29.679 --> 00:42:31.880
out a lot of those cool wounds that need to

815
00:42:31.920 --> 00:42:33.880
be looked at. But because you feel safe in the

816
00:42:33.920 --> 00:42:36.519
container of that relationship, you're going to have the capacity

817
00:42:36.559 --> 00:42:38.239
to look at them and to do the healing with them,

818
00:42:38.559 --> 00:42:40.239
so you get to go even deeper in your healing.

819
00:42:40.880 --> 00:42:43.400
When we're alone, not only do we not really see

820
00:42:43.519 --> 00:42:45.119
a lot of our triggers because no one other they're

821
00:42:45.119 --> 00:42:47.880
triggering us, but we also often don't actually feel safe

822
00:42:47.960 --> 00:42:50.719
to look at certain things. It's when you're in relationship

823
00:42:50.760 --> 00:42:53.079
with someone that you deeply love and deeply loves you back,

824
00:42:53.639 --> 00:42:55.880
that you can have that healthy bit of trigger not

825
00:42:56.000 --> 00:42:58.519
talking about like screaming at each other and throwing pots

826
00:42:58.559 --> 00:43:01.679
and bands, but you know, the little like bubbles of

827
00:43:01.719 --> 00:43:04.920
trigger that you can then look at together and you

828
00:43:04.960 --> 00:43:07.039
can feel safe looking at it. You can feel safe

829
00:43:07.079 --> 00:43:10.400
during the healing there, and so the evolution is is

830
00:43:10.480 --> 00:43:13.599
so much greater. As a saying by one of my

831
00:43:13.719 --> 00:43:15.880
favorite I don't even know if it's a plosoroho psychologic,

832
00:43:15.880 --> 00:43:18.360
but Alway says, like, you know, stage one of healings

833
00:43:18.360 --> 00:43:21.199
when you're alone, the rest of all the healing happens

834
00:43:21.239 --> 00:43:24.239
and you're in relationship because it's it's really in that

835
00:43:24.519 --> 00:43:26.920
union that you can go so much deeper. And we

836
00:43:27.039 --> 00:43:29.280
know that life is better when you've gone deeper. It

837
00:43:29.440 --> 00:43:32.559
just is because you're carrying less baggage. It's all the

838
00:43:32.639 --> 00:43:35.320
process of bringing yourself and when.

839
00:43:35.199 --> 00:43:40.480
You're in that ideal relationship, life is better. Yeah, you know,

840
00:43:40.760 --> 00:43:43.599
I don't think we're meant to be alone, no, no,

841
00:43:44.320 --> 00:43:48.159
whatever that happens to be. So as we come to

842
00:43:48.280 --> 00:43:50.760
a close, well, I have one more question before we

843
00:43:50.880 --> 00:43:57.000
do this. You talked about coaching versus quote talk therapy.

844
00:43:58.280 --> 00:44:00.760
What is the difference and if so someone is really

845
00:44:00.840 --> 00:44:04.679
wanting to get some help, because as I know, you know,

846
00:44:05.159 --> 00:44:07.719
it's okay to try to do it all on your own,

847
00:44:08.599 --> 00:44:10.719
but there are times that you just can't.

848
00:44:11.360 --> 00:44:13.320
And as you said, you went through fifteen years of

849
00:44:13.440 --> 00:44:18.079
therapy with not much help. What is the difference.

850
00:44:17.719 --> 00:44:23.400
Between an intelligent, well versed coach and going through talk therapy.

851
00:44:24.000 --> 00:44:29.239
Yeah, and that's a really valuable question because they're both important, Right.

852
00:44:31.000 --> 00:44:34.400
I always think of that as I follow the chomb

853
00:44:34.559 --> 00:44:37.239
model behable change. You need to have the motivation, you

854
00:44:37.280 --> 00:44:39.119
need to have the capabilities, and you need to have

855
00:44:39.360 --> 00:44:44.360
the opportunity to actually change, right, And so what therapy

856
00:44:44.440 --> 00:44:47.599
is really good for is actually creating the motivation. Therapy

857
00:44:47.719 --> 00:44:51.559
is really great for building up awareness, helping you see

858
00:44:51.840 --> 00:44:55.239
and understand where your triggers are, where the problems are,

859
00:44:55.800 --> 00:44:58.400
where maybe even some of the core wounds are. Helping

860
00:44:58.440 --> 00:45:00.440
you kind of like bring that magnifying ask and just

861
00:45:00.519 --> 00:45:03.119
take a deeper look and see the things that need

862
00:45:03.159 --> 00:45:05.320
to be looked at, and it builds up your motivation

863
00:45:05.760 --> 00:45:08.199
to actually change it hopefully because you see the impact

864
00:45:08.199 --> 00:45:10.760
that's happening in your life. What it's not great for

865
00:45:11.280 --> 00:45:14.119
is capability building. Often it's like you kind of stop

866
00:45:14.159 --> 00:45:16.280
at the awareness level. You might let a couple of

867
00:45:16.360 --> 00:45:18.800
tools and techniques, but you're not going to get the

868
00:45:18.920 --> 00:45:22.280
mass kind of capability building of well, how do I

869
00:45:22.440 --> 00:45:24.599
clear out the core wounds? How do I work with

870
00:45:24.639 --> 00:45:27.800
my unconscious mind? A therapy doesn't typically work with unconscious

871
00:45:27.800 --> 00:45:30.360
mind stuff that's more of the coaching territory. How do

872
00:45:30.400 --> 00:45:31.519
I tear up the collins? How do work with the

873
00:45:31.559 --> 00:45:34.599
unconscious mind? How do I actually build and drive the

874
00:45:34.679 --> 00:45:38.159
new capabilities of like learning? How to communicate of learning,

875
00:45:38.159 --> 00:45:40.039
how to set up the boundaries of learning, how to

876
00:45:40.519 --> 00:45:43.320
again kind of manage my malag up to behavioral responses.

877
00:45:43.639 --> 00:45:45.559
How do I actually stop a trigger in its tracks?

878
00:45:45.639 --> 00:45:49.760
All of these much more practical, action orientated things aren't

879
00:45:49.760 --> 00:45:52.960
in the realm of therapy. There is typically retrospective. It's

880
00:45:53.039 --> 00:45:56.800
like looking into the past, understanding it, making sense of it,

881
00:45:57.519 --> 00:45:59.400
and then you come into the present and it's like, well,

882
00:45:59.400 --> 00:46:02.280
what now. And that's what coaching kicks in, because coaching

883
00:46:02.360 --> 00:46:04.559
is all about the present and look into the future,

884
00:46:05.079 --> 00:46:08.960
setting goals, building, building a process to get that, building

885
00:46:09.000 --> 00:46:12.039
a strategy, and learning the capabilities that you need to

886
00:46:12.119 --> 00:46:14.119
create the opportunities to have what you want to have

887
00:46:14.239 --> 00:46:14.599
in life.

888
00:46:15.079 --> 00:46:17.119
So I love that.

889
00:46:17.280 --> 00:46:19.239
And you know, the one thing that we haven't talked about,

890
00:46:19.280 --> 00:46:22.400
and I know you really focus on is the three

891
00:46:22.519 --> 00:46:23.760
phases process.

892
00:46:24.480 --> 00:46:26.840
You know, it's based on behavioral science.

893
00:46:26.920 --> 00:46:30.320
So as we close and as you talk to the

894
00:46:30.400 --> 00:46:34.519
audience in a very short time, what are those three

895
00:46:34.599 --> 00:46:38.039
phase what are those three phase processes? And if you

896
00:46:38.079 --> 00:46:40.039
could share with the audience so that they could kind

897
00:46:40.079 --> 00:46:41.679
of get a sense of what they need to do

898
00:46:41.920 --> 00:46:43.119
in the direction they need to go.

899
00:46:43.760 --> 00:46:47.199
Yeah, absolutely, So the three phases are really three phases

900
00:46:47.239 --> 00:46:49.960
that I came up with on the back of, you know,

901
00:46:50.280 --> 00:46:52.679
being in that first engagement, deciding do I say, do

902
00:46:52.760 --> 00:46:55.119
I go? Doing all that in a word, landing on

903
00:46:55.159 --> 00:46:57.800
the clarity in the certainty that I needed to actually exit,

904
00:46:58.280 --> 00:47:00.320
and then eleven months lay to meet my house spend

905
00:47:00.599 --> 00:47:03.480
because it was a very fast process for me. I'm

906
00:47:03.480 --> 00:47:07.320
it's even faster now. But those three phases amalgamating a

907
00:47:07.360 --> 00:47:11.360
bit of therapy are really Phase one is the my

908
00:47:11.480 --> 00:47:13.079
brain's completely ride right.

909
00:47:13.039 --> 00:47:14.880
Now, self sabotage.

910
00:47:15.719 --> 00:47:18.239
It's not the self sabotage, my brain has completely died

911
00:47:18.320 --> 00:47:20.719
my own process. Phase two I will get under skip

912
00:47:20.760 --> 00:47:23.079
to Phase two. Phase two is the behavior science piece.

913
00:47:24.199 --> 00:47:27.000
So it's where you're actually first phase is you're building

914
00:47:27.000 --> 00:47:29.239
the awareness. Like I just said in therapy. It's building

915
00:47:29.239 --> 00:47:31.440
that awareness, it's getting the clarity on like what are

916
00:47:31.480 --> 00:47:33.719
the different patterns? How can you actually clear them out

917
00:47:33.760 --> 00:47:35.960
at the root phase and get rid of them?

918
00:47:36.079 --> 00:47:36.199
Right?

919
00:47:36.280 --> 00:47:38.440
Because we have to do that. And so whilst I'm

920
00:47:38.440 --> 00:47:41.079
not a therapist and I never plan to sit there

921
00:47:41.159 --> 00:47:43.920
digging into people's lives and going into the nuts and

922
00:47:43.960 --> 00:47:45.760
crannies of all the stories, I don't actually believe it's

923
00:47:45.800 --> 00:47:48.599
very helpful to look at the stories. It's much more

924
00:47:48.639 --> 00:47:51.679
helpful to look at what are the core wounds and

925
00:47:51.800 --> 00:47:53.760
how do we clear those out? And how does a

926
00:47:53.840 --> 00:47:56.719
self sabotage manifest? So that's the first phase, really like

927
00:47:56.840 --> 00:47:59.239
clearing all of that out. Base two is a behaval

928
00:47:59.280 --> 00:48:01.360
science pace, which is really all about well, now that

929
00:48:01.400 --> 00:48:02.920
I've cleared all of that out and I can see

930
00:48:03.000 --> 00:48:05.280
more clearly, what does it actually want to need in

931
00:48:05.360 --> 00:48:07.320
my life and in my relationship to be actually happy

932
00:48:07.400 --> 00:48:10.360
long term? Most people don't know they know what they want.

933
00:48:11.440 --> 00:48:15.039
They want. You know, a multimillionaire who's six foot three, Great,

934
00:48:15.400 --> 00:48:18.159
that's not what you actually need though, right there's a

935
00:48:18.199 --> 00:48:21.599
lot of egotistical proxies that we've been conditioned into thinking

936
00:48:21.639 --> 00:48:24.360
that we want the big house, the lifestyle, blah blah blah,

937
00:48:24.639 --> 00:48:27.519
the ide league, education, it's all nice things, but again

938
00:48:27.519 --> 00:48:29.519
they have no indicator on how happy you're actually going

939
00:48:29.559 --> 00:48:31.800
to be with that person long term. What you actually

940
00:48:31.920 --> 00:48:35.679
need is very different, and so you can't typically see

941
00:48:35.719 --> 00:48:37.440
what you need or connect with what you need when

942
00:48:37.480 --> 00:48:39.559
you're full of your own blockers and yourself Sabota. Actually,

943
00:48:39.559 --> 00:48:41.599
you have to clear that out first and then you

944
00:48:41.719 --> 00:48:44.000
come to getting clear on what is that you want

945
00:48:44.039 --> 00:48:45.679
to need. Once you're clear on what you want to

946
00:48:45.800 --> 00:48:48.119
need and you've got that clarity, then you can move

947
00:48:48.159 --> 00:48:50.480
to phase free, the integrity phase. It is how do

948
00:48:50.559 --> 00:48:53.599
you build your life to get into greater integrity with that.

949
00:48:54.320 --> 00:48:55.960
So what that might look like is building a bit

950
00:48:55.960 --> 00:48:58.320
of a strategy to get your needs met. It might

951
00:48:58.400 --> 00:49:02.079
look like reevaluating your relationship and learning how to communicate

952
00:49:02.199 --> 00:49:04.559
better and communicate for your needs and communicate your boundaries.

953
00:49:04.960 --> 00:49:07.480
It might look like taking a state back and doing

954
00:49:07.480 --> 00:49:10.000
a bit of a life audit and shuffling things around

955
00:49:10.039 --> 00:49:12.480
so that you're living your best life now. But really

956
00:49:12.519 --> 00:49:15.440
the kind of the third phase is taking action on

957
00:49:15.880 --> 00:49:18.519
what you know now to be true about yourself. Having

958
00:49:18.599 --> 00:49:21.719
cleared out all of that self sabotage and junk, and

959
00:49:21.840 --> 00:49:24.199
that's where the self trust is really built. That's where

960
00:49:24.199 --> 00:49:27.400
we really kind of build that self actualization, that self

961
00:49:27.519 --> 00:49:31.320
esteem and in that process clearing out all of that

962
00:49:31.800 --> 00:49:35.400
rubbish that's holding you back, getting very clear, putting your

963
00:49:35.440 --> 00:49:39.119
life into integrity. You are going to attract the right

964
00:49:39.239 --> 00:49:42.119
relationship for you, whether you in a relationship or looking

965
00:49:42.159 --> 00:49:45.320
for a relationship, so much faster because if you know

966
00:49:45.400 --> 00:49:47.440
anything about you know, law of attraction or how any

967
00:49:47.440 --> 00:49:50.039
of the stuff works from behavior science point of view,

968
00:49:50.440 --> 00:49:53.559
you are clear to actually get out there and align

969
00:49:53.639 --> 00:49:56.440
with it to attract it. It's not wo it's science.

970
00:49:57.639 --> 00:49:58.239
I know.

971
00:49:58.320 --> 00:50:01.639
I love that. How do people find you if they

972
00:50:01.679 --> 00:50:03.639
want to reach out to you and get some help?

973
00:50:03.679 --> 00:50:04.440
How do they find you?

974
00:50:04.880 --> 00:50:08.760
Yeah? Absolutely so. Www dotcatterin Apalonska dot com is my

975
00:50:08.840 --> 00:50:11.639
website and on there I have a free masterclass. I

976
00:50:11.760 --> 00:50:15.039
walk through this methodology and just how it works on

977
00:50:15.079 --> 00:50:17.119
a more kind of tangible, granular level, and I also

978
00:50:17.119 --> 00:50:19.280
talk about the common pitfalls who will fall into. So

979
00:50:19.440 --> 00:50:21.960
highly recommend going there. You can also find me on

980
00:50:22.039 --> 00:50:24.920
Instagram at katerin a Paloonska and just drop me a

981
00:50:25.000 --> 00:50:27.039
DM because I love to connect with people.

982
00:50:27.519 --> 00:50:30.639
Well, okay, yes, thank you so much for being on

983
00:50:30.760 --> 00:50:31.079
the show.

984
00:50:31.159 --> 00:50:34.559
This has been fascinating and I think that people are

985
00:50:34.639 --> 00:50:37.039
going to really get this, and I hope that they're

986
00:50:37.079 --> 00:50:40.079
voted to your website because, particularly as we talk about

987
00:50:40.119 --> 00:50:42.840
those three phases, and you know you took some time

988
00:50:42.920 --> 00:50:47.039
to do that, those three phases, I think really give

989
00:50:47.119 --> 00:50:51.519
you the methodology of being able to get to the.

990
00:50:51.519 --> 00:50:53.360
Point where you have a good relationship.

991
00:50:53.960 --> 00:50:55.880
Yeah, exactly, exactly right.

992
00:50:56.320 --> 00:50:58.599
All right, Well, thanks so much. I really appreciate it,

993
00:50:58.760 --> 00:51:01.480
and folks, thanks for listening. Hope you really enjoyed it,

994
00:51:02.000 --> 00:51:03.880
and we look forward to having you join us again

995
00:51:03.960 --> 00:51:07.199
soon as a doctor. Doug Sane NOMS Day