Strong Relationships - Gender Intelligence

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0:44 Denzel Washington, welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you to do the same. Andre welcome to the show. Thank you, thank you nice good to be here. I'm excited to hear about all these things you got to share. I love for you to share with the audience. You have a journey, and you know, as I've read your biography and so forth, I know it's a fascinating journey, and I'd love for you to share with the audience that journey and what brought you to this point of what you're doing, particularly with your project Equinox. Oh okay, how far back? How far back you over to go? Because it starts as five years old instead as.

1:25 Far well go a little senter than that. Yeah, So in a nutshell, In a nutshell, when I was five years old, I realized, I realized I was born in the wrong family. And so what happened is it was kind of baffling and scary, and I became an observer of the world and people because I've started to understand how that's possible. So I was the kid who's always watching everyone. With that, I just I I became fascinated with the human condition watching people, you know what I mean, Like, why is this person cool? Why is this personally like this? How come this? And how come that? And how do people become with the you know? Because again trying to understand me. But it was amazing. So with that, I became super tuned with people's energy.

2:06 It just comes with a lifetime I'm observing, you kind of tune to people. I can actually just tune into people, which is really really really helpful for my work. But and so again for me, it was trying to understand for me and then decode human beings was my thing. I was twenty three years old when I started taking personal development workshop for the same reason. So I did like personal development, business money, you know, get your life together, let go your past, like all that stuff. Constantly trying to get ahead of myself because I really felt like I didn't know really why I was here. Really ultimately that's didn't know why I was here. So it was an interesting challenge, but that that kind of mindset. I've always been very, very curious, and the human condition was my poll so it just constantly put me into that.

2:59 Two thousand and six, I had like a couple of careers in two thousand and six in phase two of my life, I call it because I was a professional dancer, and then I opened a business in Los Angeles. Midway through this, I was still doing personal development. I'm in San Jose, California, on a business workshop because it's trying to get my business right. Like I raised the ceiling. I meet this couple on the flight back to Los Angeles. We're sitting on the same row, and I thought it was just I thought life was random to that moment, but it was a third pivotal moment in my life. That moment. I'm sitting on the plane with these two and the lady says to me, what do you do next weekend? And they go next weekend, I'm free. Why she goes, you want to come to a worshop? It's on me, and I go, yes, of course, that's the fack.

3:45 I agree before I knew what it was, because I'm want to learn something and my brain's like this, right then those things to be costly, So then I go, so, what's the worshop about? She was always called understanding women. Okay, so when I tell this story, my friends like, really do such a thing, and there's no such state. My reaction was in that. My reaction was more like, because I have an autistic personality and whatever, I looked the way I look, and I've never had problems with the ladies, right Like, I always attracted sweet women, is what I mean. I attracted sweet women. I didn't do the crazies stuff my friends did. So this is one of the area that I was the most confident in life. And she's like understanding women in a workshop this weekend. Oh like, I remember thinking, like okay, whatever. But I was already said I was going to go, so I went. I thought it was gonna be cute. And I remember that Saturday morning, I did not want to get in the car to drive to the airport because it's one of the airport hotels.

4:46 But hey, I. Said I was going to go, and I thought it was going to be cute. I walked in there four hundred people, Oh interesting, three hundred women, one hundred men. What but you can tell there was something in the air. That's all I can tell you. Like I realized it's like I was glad to be there, like whatever, for whatever, whatever, something is going on. And so we're surrounded man who peppered over the audience obviously say, but we're surrounded by women on purpose. I realized that I was told this after the fact because what they taught us about women was insane, was mind boggling. I slipped off of my chair at least seven times through other workshop, like just came off my chair to the ground, just and disbelieve.

5:30 And the guy who's seemingly thought new women, who had, you know, an infinity for women and whatever? Right, I realized at the end of this workshop, my brain exploded. I know, I realized I knew nothing like zero about women at the time. I was so married with the two little kids, and I realized what scared me is, I know, not think about my wife. And I realized some of the ways they operated, some of the stuff that when I slipped off my chairs and realizing like, oh my, that's and it would stop the workshop after one of those big moments, and the worship leader would say, just so you don't think it's me the crazy lady out front, let's take five minutes. Check to the women next to you. Right and I spend like there was a nineteen year ol on my right and were like what she's like.

6:13 Yeah, I'm like, well that's crazy. Well, sometimes we think we're crazy. That's why that wouldn't make me nuts, well sometimes a little bit nuts. And the kind of confirm when I just learned that was unthinkable. It was unthinkable, Like, you don't understand the way they process things, the way they hear. They hear different than we do, which sounds insane, but they hear different than we do. They're attached obviously different things. What motivates it? They think they take everything personally, not because they're crazy. There's a good reason, but like to a level that anyway. So I came home kind of devastated or scared, actually it was the right word, because I thought, if I know anything about my wife, what am I doing to her? Not knowing? That could be a liability, right because all my brothers and sisters are divorced too, three four times, like all of them. I have my family, babies, I have my wife. We're not we're not looking for this information.

7:04 We're doing fine. But I now realized I don't really know how like what's going on with her, like to the point that I realized over the weekend. So that was to me again my curious brain went into I'm not going to be a statistic because I didn't know. So I went crazy. I jumped in the company. That company's curriculum. I did all their workshops. When I finished a workshop, think there was like nine or ten, maybe eleven different workshops about the relationship dynamics men and women. After you pay for the workshops, you can actually go back in the system, you know, be in the room and assists for free, just right. So I was in every weekend, I was in the workshop kind of wanted to hear it again, hear it differently with different questions.

7:45 The material is so in tantalizing and it like detailed, you know what I mean. And that's how it started. Next to you know, I was I was on track to become one of their worship leaders because I'm a teacher, and so that didn't work out with that company, but that's when the launch was happening, Like this is why they realized like I had a passion for this and I needed to discover it again. Originally just for me and my wife, but very soon it was like I was teaching my friends, I was teaching my customers at the shop, like it became this machine. It kind of took me over. And so I studied with four of the masters, John Gray, Mars and Venus after that, and doctor Pat Allen Los Angeles, a family child marriage therapist for forty eight years of pretty six years at the time.

8:30 I spent three and a half years in a small room with her and three other people, like she taught us everything that she's learning, so master and relationships over there alas sa'mstrong was the first lady ethropology pat doctor John Gray. The past fifteen years of his work is all about the chemistry of our bodies that affects our brains and our behavior. That it's completely different. So I kept studying, and like five masters later, with my own work, I have this body of work that I, without arrogance, I think is untouchable. It's a level touchable. So I live to the code relationship's dynamic and to help men and women attain a sustained, healthy relationship by understanding all the differences that we don't understand, because that's what we gets in that way. So so I told you, I told you it's a big one.

9:20 That's great, and and you know it's it's it's fascinating that you know, as you're talking about it, that the genders do not understand each other. And and it's interesting, you know, as I've gone into behavioral type of information that I've done before, you know, I've noticed that, for instance, there's a and it's not always accurate, but there's a large percentage most women tend to be right brained. They're much more spiritual, they're much more loving, that type of thing. You know, men tend to be left brain where blah blah blah blah, And that's how that goes. It's a fact. It's a fact. It's a fact, and and if you don't understand that, that gets to be a real challenge. But I'd love for you to share with the audience what And of course, hopefully we've got some men listening here because you're going to talk about the women, and maybe you'll talk a little bit about the men as the women are listening.

10:17 So let's start with the women. What What are some of the unique qualities and aspects to women's personalities that we need to understand if we want to develop good relationships and not only in marriage, but in business and everywhere else. I mean, that's that's the bottom line. Yeah, So in a nutshell, if forgetting, I'm going to try to get you there quickly. It goes. It goes back to anthropology and our ancestors and being men and women and having you know, get hunt togethers and having to come together a different, different style to survive. It was all about survival, right, ethopologies about survival. Every instinctum we have to survive. Hunters hunt gathers gathered, but one one works with the other perfectly to be able to can you know, pro create and continue the species survive, survive, survive, survive.

11:09 So with that, let's say on your nervous system, on your DNA as a baseline hunter gatherer, there are two completely different machines made you come together and work together, but they're completely different. And so one of the things with the ladies that men don't understand is being logical in our heads. Like you said, right, we we we plan things, we function through our logic. First, we have feelings, we have deep feelings, but we don't drive our lives to our feelings. We just we drive our lives for our logic. Again, that's the only way to survive, right, It's been going on for a millennia. The ladies drive their liveshack you said, drive their lives to their feelings, not their logic, their feelings. So what happens is they're aware of everything that comes at them. That's part of the reason. Everything they see, everything they hear, smell, tastes Dutch.

12:05 Whatever comes at them during a day's course makes them feel good and bad, like back and forth, you know what I mean. So, like their mood will change depending on what's happening. She could have a really good day, feel totally happy and her boss says, you know, you really messed up in that document. You need to go back and finish it and do it again. It was you know, now she's feeling mad. She's now she's mad or she's you know, like upset that she displeased and she has to go back and we do it of now she's in a bad mood, right, And then it's like so they kind of do this through the day. It's normal for women, right, but men don't operate that way. So if they approach us with feelings constantly that we don't understand because that's not how we do, and we approach them with logic, disconnect, we missed the boat, right, and we'll say stuff like, well you thake that personal.

12:53 I'm just trying to help you and you two sensitive. I can't tell you anything. Yes, as a woman on the other side, you know, they think we're cold and shadow and disconnected and selfish because we're always on our heads. We're not present like they constantly are. Right, they need the connection to feel safe and connected, you know what I mean, We don't need that and needs you to like kind of leave me alone to be quiet most of the time, Like we need different things, but we are still blind to this. It's incredible how what each needs is so mars and venus. And in our culture now that we teach equality and fifty to fifty and all these things equal ris you will pay, of course, But now it's come to believe that men and women should be the same. So the men have to be sweet and sensitive and talkative and vulnerable to be good man. No, that's whr girlfriend, It's never going to happen, but that's the pole, right, the pulse in the culture. And then we've masculinized women. Go girl, boss, babe, don't even know man, give yourself some business and money because you can't trust them.

13:53 They're toxic, right, So we'll masculinize the women, feminize the man. And it's it's a shit shows. That's what I see every single day. And I guess we're going against nature in a way that's destructive. Now, this calibration in that somewhere. But what we're doing doesn't work well. And you know, as you're talking about that, obviously it comes down to communication because, as you're saying, so often we say something to someone and they're going to take it in a different way based on whether personality and behavioral traits are. And I think one thing that's important that I've come to understand is I've done numerous personality behavioral analyzes. There are exceptions.

14:38 Oh, absolutely, absolutely. There are exceptions. So I want the audience to understand that we're kind of generalizing, but we recognize that there are exceptions here because women that tend to be left brain and there are men that tend to be right brain. And if we don't understand that, I experienced that as a dad. I you know, I had a son that was left brain, and Okay, I get that because I'm left brain, and all of a sudden, over the time, I realized that I had a son that I was not communicating well with because he was right brain. Now, ultimately we were able to figure that out and now we have a great relationship. But I think it's really important that we understand how is it that someone wants to be communicated too? And as you've done those studies and you talk about really wanting to equip people with the tools to have excellent communication, what what are those tools?

15:37 And how does an individual, whether they're a man or a woman, how do they learn to communicate in a way that's effective, respectful and honoring the personality and who that person is that they're communicating with the tools. Great question, So like, and again thank you for mentioning this. Because there is there's no men or all women are all. There's no such thing. Right, there's a norm and I call it there's an eighty twenty rule where eighty percent is all the same and it's twenty percent or not. I call them hybrids, I call them different, I call them unique. Right, we're all unique. But there's there's a definite Like in everything in life, there's eighty twenty rule.

16:19 There's a norm, and the people outside the norm. So operating weight, like you said, you know, operating from your left brain as opposed to your right brain sometimes switches gender, so that you have you have to discover that, you have to know who you're dealing with. Right, So, men who are right brain driven typically are left handed. Interesting. Their brain is wired like the feminine. I'm not calling him gay or feminine. I'm saying they actually live through that side of their brains which is more sensitive, more talkative, more and more need to connect. Right, it's it's a more feminine approach. Now they're just wired that we left handed men o braave from their right brain. Interesting, about ten percent of men that and that explains standard manage.

17:00 If you dealt with them, they're amazing and they're weird on something right because they function like men, but they don't. But they do, but they don't, you know what I mean, depending on what's again a little bit what's happening in the environment. So it's interesting. So you have to know your audience. So when the people the mistake that I see people make again, it's not knowing right brain, left brain masculine, feminine. We both have masculinefem within us. But as a male, typically the left brain drives more right eighty twenty again right, the twenty percent will be to you know, being a right brain is like experiencing life, being in a moment, watching TV in a right brain. Right daddy energy tends to be not a warrior energy, but more of a kind loving energy. Right, that would be right. So we have we both have both that women as well, So women ideally are better offen they're feminine.

17:51 But there's a twenty twenty five percent of be able to function in the world, be productive. So we have to find a balance within ourselves first, and some people don't have it. Some people are inverted. Interesting, you have to discover that if you're going to be delicious with that person, right, so, and again understanding that, understanding who you're dealing with. Most people think that communication is about the words that you use. That's not it. Communication is about the results that you get, right, And if you're not getting the results and you think he's misbehaving or you think she's misbehaving or taking it too seriously, and it's not that big a deal, you're not communicating. You're assuming your communication is working on them. And like I said, the ying yang of this is I want to say this, it sounds ridiculous, but when I when we speak to women men, they're not hearing what we're saying and where they're talking to us, but we're not hear what they're saying because we speak and listen completely differently. It sounds ridiculous because you know, we look at each other. You understand the words come out of my mouth. Right we speak English. Ment to women will miss the boat because we speak directly and they don't. So when we speak directly, they often check this out for yourself hysterical. You'll say something directly right and she's not sure. The women will go, hmmm, I wonder, we're just trying to tell me I say this, and they go, what's he trying to tell me?

19:21 Right? So that's why you could offer that. The client asks me this, he goes, why is it that when I offer a woman a piece of gum? She gets offended because she's trying to because her brain goes, have bred breath? What is he trying to tell me? Right? Like? Because that's how they speak to each other. We don't know this right and vice versa. So when they speak to us, they don't want to be direct because they think it's kind of impolite. So they go in hints any windows, which we goes right over our heads because we're direct speakers. So stuff like stuff like hints tone of voice in the windows, right like, it's the way they communicate and woman to women, they know exactly what they're saying, but we missed, we missed the communication. All. I'll give you an example. Silly stuff is a basic one. My wife this is years ago, sitting on the couch, girlfriend's over.

20:14 They're about to leave this late afternoon and the girl's about to leave and it was still early, so I thought, hmm. I asked her in front of the girls to go, baby, you want to go to movies? And the girls leave. It's still early, right. I asked a simple question, Babe, do you want to go to the movies? Okay, here's the answer. Right. She's like, yeah, I'm like cool, and I go make some some plans. And the girls are like, who the hell is wrong with this? Dudey? So when you see stupid because that hmm, yeah, it's a giant now. They all heard it. But what I heard was the word, right, Like what you're here is the word. They're listening for tones and that's why women say stuff like it's not what you said, is the way you said it. It changes the meaning of everything what they're saying with the hints of the tones and windows they understand. We don't, so we constantly or like missing the boat and we think the other one is crazy. And I can't believe he didn't hear, like the girls could not believe they didn't get that. But I'm waiting. I I just asked the question. I gotta yes, I don't know. I don't I have no ear for tones. And my wife will sometimes say that to me, like, you know, it's don't talk to me that way. You know, I go, but I'm upset. Do what you say like I'm upset, So you'll get to hear that in my voice right, like right, But to her is offensive because it's kind of scary.

21:31 I get it, but like they're tone, they're just so they This is a huge one that everybody's blind to. Everybody's blind to, and so you have to learn it. And so I don't know who teaches this outside of me. I'm sure somebody else that teaches it. But it's a delicate, delicate thing that is essential to learn. So you don't get yourself in trouble thinking you know, he knows you heard you and he's misbehaving. No, no, man, don't I that way. Normal males don't act that way. Right, And same the other way around, Like she's not crazy, she's like she's trying to figure out what you're trying to say, as opposed to hearing the words say. Well, you know, as you talk about that, and as you've studied with these different grous I'm sure you've come across and I don't remember the percentages. But when you start and you mentioned this, when you start talking about communication and those elements of communication, you have the words, which are really a small percentage of that communication seven percent.

22:33 You have the tonality, as you say, which becomes much larger. And then you also have the body language which is also there. And I think that people don't really recognize as you say, particularly you know, as men, if they if we happen to be left brain, it's like, okay, the words boom boom, boom, boom boom, it's it, And we don't recognize that the body langugea, the tonality of those type of things are really what other people are particularly picking up. So here's the question, yes, yes, how do we learn to communicate in a way that we take into account not only just the words, because even words can be in a words can be a challenge too, particularly if we say something that's going to trigger something in someone. So how do we learn what the other person needs as far as communication, and how do we learn to utilize the tonality, the body language and the words in a way that create an effective communication and message, And how do we make sure that the other individual understands what we're saying.

23:56 Right, So, good question, great question, complicated in her long answer, I'm going to try to go short. But because it's so there's layers in that. But you know, in the in the end is what I just said earlier, like they speak and listen differently. We both speak on this in differently. So just knowing that all of a sudden right kind of kind of puts your ear on on on guard, like, wait, so but my wife, you know shet'll get this. So if she asked my opinion, right, I'll give her my opinion, but I know that sometimes she has my opinion. I give him my opinion and she gets mad at me. I go, well, why don't you get mad at me? You ask my opinion, give my opinion. I'm a man, right, I'll tell you what I think. You tell me like we should do this or this, and you think, you know, you think she's a jerk for I haven't done that, and I'm like, well, no, actually she did. Just has the right to do this and it's kind of her job, and she's mad at me.

24:49 So because I discovered again communication this is another layer is that when my wife asked from my opinion, she doesn't want my opinion. This is she's just supposed me to agree with her. And I'm I'm gonna I'm laughing at that because I learned with my kids. I finally learned after years and years that I had to say to them, all right, do you want me to listen? Or do you want my opinion? And most of the time they're saying, I, Dad, I just want you to listen, And every once in a while I say, no, you know, I really appreciate your opinion. And and so I've learned that particular technique that I had to do because I just challenged in with my kids.

25:36 Yes, yes, because the same thing right the way, whatever their motive is for the questions or the right to ask. But I mean, when you're talking about it picked up communication exactly like this, like which, which what is you asking me here? What is it? Sorry? My phone? What is it you asking me here? Do you know what I mean? So before I answer the question and give them what I think they want, because I we have a different brain right, So my wife, now, which has my opinion? I go, okay, hold on, so do you want me to agree with you? Or do you want me to give my opinion? Because my opinion, you might not. You don't. You just want me to agree with you, which is usually what she wants. Usually that's what she wants, right, So she's like, ah, just agree with me. I'm like, well, then you're right. She's an ass.

26:18 She should never done that. She should get fired. I don't believe. I can't believe they still hire that girl, right, I just agree with that. Just skipility going to what she wants me to say, you know what I mean? And she's like, yeah, thanks, Like I okay, I get it. So, like you said, asking the question often because we miss the boats if if we think like another another one that is feminine again, feminine men will do the same thing, is my wife. My wife will ask me a question that isn't a question, it's a statement that I'm supposed to decode because it's obvious to her. That's you know she's doing. So I give you an example. Hysterical. It's sterical because I you know, one Sunday evening, she says to me, babe, do you want to go out for dinner?

27:08 That's a simple question, Babe, do you want to go out for dinner? What did I hear? I heard? Babe? Do you want to go for dinn It's a question. She's asking me a question. Wants to know if I want to go out for dinner. So I go, hm, you know what, No, Like, I just you know, I just want to stay home. And kind of I get to finished some work and no, no, and I see it get like and I'm noticing that she's getting mad at me, and I'm like, well, I don't understand. You asked me a question, and now I'm the bad guy, right, so again have to go fish it out. Now. We discovered these things very well, but I can so communication right, something happened there, So I could let her be mad, or I could rescue her out of this and go find out. So I let her brew for a little bit because you know, I don't want to get an explosion. But I'm not sure why she's mad.

27:57 She asked me a question. She's mad. So in a little while later, I'm like, are you okay? I'm fine, I go No, something's going on? What's going on? I'm okay, No, No, So I can't. I won't let her go right because I want to get mad if she's going to keep doing that, right, So, no, that's not fair. Something is going on? Tell me? She goes, well, you know, I didn't want to make dinner. So that's why I wanted you to take me out for dinner. Like, why didn't you say that, babe? Why did you say that? If you said to me, you know, babe, it's Sunday night, I don't feel like cooking. You know, what do you think about going on for dinner? I would have gone, great, get in the car, right, because I don't if she doesn't want to cook, I don't want to make a cook right, But I don't know where she did ask me a question, so she constantly and the girls around me that this is the way that women communicate. They make a statement in the question, and you're supposed to get the meaning. You know, do you want to go for dinner? Means take me out for dinner? Right? Well, last week she asked me, she goes, you want me to go pick her ane a up? My daughter? Right?

28:57 Do you want you want me to go? She asked me, do you want me to go pick he an aap up? I go, oh, hold on, it's the trap, okay, I said, do you want me to go? Do you want me to go? Get her? Day? And She's like, oh, that was too direct for her to say. That was too direct for her to say. That's always the meaning, right as it would be displeasing or ordering, like ordering me around, or like no, I just asked me right, So, but she's asking me like and I go, oh, oh, oh, do you want me to go get her name? And she said, well, I feel this. Is my job. Do you want me to go get day? Well, you know you work so hard and you just got home that do you want me to go get her? Nay, that's the answer the question. She's like, oh, yeah, I go, I'll go get her. Nae, babe, It's easy. Just tell me, you know, I beat don't throw questions at me that I don't understand. We hear a question, but that's not we but anyway, but she doesn't. It's kind of an automatic thing for for ladies. So again understanding that the more you understand and the more you catch it and kind of you know, decode it. Right, there's the more where the more you do this, the more it becomes obvious, the more it's a flow. And like I said, we still have miscommunications all the time. I'm educating. I'm an educative effective commission communication strategy for God's sake, and we still miscommunicate because of our instinct that we were wired right.

30:16 But now the difference is when there's a we trip on something, right, we always cool off. Cool off, take your corners, you know, go for a walk, walk the dog, you know, for her to take a bath, whatever, Just cool off because we did. You know, when you argue, if you when you're heated, things go awry and then you end up saying things that you can't take back, right, So never fight out loud. This is discuss that, this discourse is something there are corners, come back neutral, right, and you go, well, what happened there? You know? So and she'll say something often like well, you know when you did that, this made me feel like this. I didn't like it, you know, and that's what happened. Or like you know when you did that, when you said this, I mean you feel like this and you know I thought it was like crass or like not very loving?

31:06 Is that what you meant? Right? Like we actually have a communication about the derailment because they'll happen, but how do you kind of fix it? As really the magic understanding that no one's behaving so she's not screaming at me and telling me I'm you know, I'm a jerk. We could calmly say how did we get here? What happened to you on your side? Because I don't know what's happened vice you know what I mean. And so that's how we kind of come together and come together and now we're That's how you also become safe to bring things up to. Well. And you know it's interesting and I know that your focus is on relationships, and I think that that is so essential, particularly those marriage relationships, those significant others that we do that I kind of smile as you were talking about that, because, as you say, you know, you said this and this, and it made me feel this way, and I I kind of go an extra mile on that, which can get you in real trouble unless you're both really working together on this is honey, what emotion came up for you when I said that that caused you to feel that way? And all of a sudden, then you get into the fact that, you know what, when you said that to me, this emotion came up in me, and I'm taking responsibility for this emotion.

32:26 I got to figure out why I'm getting triggered by the words that you're saying, and all of a sudden, what I found is when you have two people and it sounds like you're in that situation where you have two people who are willing to really listen, communicate and figure things out, all of a sudden, that relationship just is so enhanced. And where you get into trouble is when one person isn't willing to do that, or both people are not willing to do that, and then all of it becomes is the five and ultimately a separation or divorce. Yeah, because he's a jerk and she's crazy, right a seriously, but the case. So there's a lot of data on this, right, the people, the couples, all orientation, by the way, it's not just men and women, it's all the couples who succeed long term relationships. Right. One thing they have in common, right, there's a yin yang. First of all, there's a one that's more masculine, was more feminine, So they compliment each other naturally. That's some people just have it naturally that they just one wants to lead more one was support to lead, the one does not want to lead. What' you know? What I mean. So personality wise, yin yang, extraverted, introverted, always in duality. It's beautiful, it's nature. But what I the people who really like truly have quality of lives and relationship is is they know how to do conflict resolution.

33:49 And it's actually in the conflict resolution that they get closer and bond even tighter. Because if I have your back and you have my back, which means we each want each other's best, right, so I want to understand what's going on with you and why you're upset and how I got you there, if I got you there right, and vice versa. So when the couple has each other's back, the communication is a lot more steady, Right, they could be calmer, they understand today and they come back and they can talk about it. Then what you're talking about is in my world is triggers. We all have triggers that are completely blind to the person because their life experience is not ours. Right, So for me feeling abandoned by my mother when as a kid, if my wife, you know, goes to the grocery store and buys everything for her and the kids, and that's happened when the kids are little, she'll buy everything that the kids need and her and the food that I need. She completely forgot about me visually, right, Like that's what appears to me because I'm sensitive to that. Right, and then I go into what the you know I feel on love.

34:52 I'm triggered, I'm angry, like how could she do all the work around here? I'm the one to bring the money. She can't go to the store and buy the food that I need because I'm an athlete, so these very specific foods, right that I have to have. So so we now know that's one of my triggers. Right, don't act like I don't exist, because this person will go away and you'll have another monster in front of you and you wonder who you marry. Right, So we have to also discover each other's triggers, you know, abandonment issues, neglect issues, you know, abuse issue like finance issues like that kind of stuff. Like you need to know what somebody is easily triggered by. Because again, if you if you can share these things, that's supposed to pretend that you're We all do this right in the beginning of the issue, we like we take all the flaws and we hide them thinking, you know, they're gonna like you, but it's not real, like the person has to come out.

35:43 And so that whole hiding your flaws is actually counter it's it's it's counter productive. You really want to present them forward. So when they flick that nerve and you get upset that she gets upset and you go, wait, did that just see the thing? Right? Like? Oh that's it? Yes, okay, well I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to so okay, so uh anything I do to make you feel better, right, and you could actually kind of gravel it, you know. So for women is all often them not feeling cherished and unloved, right, The hurst of feelings for us is being disrespected. And another blind another blind spot is we don't know why they get their feelings hurt because it doesn't know feelings. I don't know why we get feel disrespected because there's things that disrespect us doesn't disrepect them.

36:29 So another layer into this. And you know what as you as you talk about this, and obviously we're focusing on adult men and women, but let's think about the children, you know, and parenting and goodness and my goodness, what what do we do as we as we talk about those emotional overlays that the children develop out to the point where now they're getting triggered, and you know, and it's life. I mean, you know, we all do the best we can. But how important is it as what you're talking about, these principles? Is it to use those principles as you are ruining your children, as you are communicating with your children.

37:12 Well as well of course as well, because you know, the way I speak to my son is different the way I speak my daughter, because I have a boy and a girl. Right, I keep you direct with him, I keep be criticizing and he takes that as love. And you know, if I criticize my boy and I say he needs to get his life together or whatever, right like, criticism, men on man, is an act of love. Because if I didn't care for you, I wouldn't say anything. So the fact that I'm saying something and I'm upset and I'm actually angry because you need to wake the hell up, right, that's love, men on man. We all know this criticism from man to woman, it's the kiss of death. It's it's destroys women, you know what I mean. So the way I talk to my boys, talk to my girl, Right, the way I help help them sort of step into his manhood. That's not the way I raise my daughter. Right. I want to push my boy to do brave things that he's afraid of. I don't want to push my daughter into doing things to make it more brave. Right. That's that's that's how you damage them.

38:08 Right. So there's a whole other there's a whole other dynamic right there. But understand again, little girls live through their feelings. Little boys live through their heads. Right. So if you want to communicate man on man, it's easy, man on girl. Okay, seen so easy. So you've developed, you've created this project Equinox. Can you share with the audience what is that? Yeah? Well that yeah? What do people experience if they get involved with that? So Project Equanox basically is is the programs that I offer to help men and women understand these differences. I have programs of four to five months in chunks that basically, if you work on me one on one is five different ways to work with me. But the concept of dimunity to teach all this stuff, but no need to teach it because we know that information does not create transformation. Right, Listen to a podcast, read a book like that's interesting.

39:05 It doesn't change your life. Why because you have to take action, you have to get it under your skin. You have to it has to be visual experience the first time that a woman who never feels safe with men in her life because they're daddy, right, like the trauma we talk about triggers in trauma. If a woman doesn't feel safe in the world, every man's an enemy on her nervous system to some degree, right, And so they're scared of men. They're super protective of man. They don't trust men right that they can be vulnerable with men, which could cost a whole lot of their lives, by the way, because there's no way to live. But when we decode and kind of release their trauma, right and bring him the place of curiosity as opposed to fear.

39:50 And then I teach women about men and to you know, in my world, there's three types of men. There's boys or guys. They're men. They all look the same but very different temperaments. And the boys are the ones that you want to avoid because the boys are the ones who take take advantage of women. Those are the toxic ones, are the cheaters, the liars, right, because men naturally are not those things. What I call the wounded masculine is those things. So there's a lot of that out there, I get it. But to know who to avoid as a woman who's been let's say, you know, not loved rights as a child, and it's afraid of man when you again, but it's a trauma, and realize that there's only you only have to spot the bad ones and know how to avoid them, because the rest of them is safe and they want to be heroes and they want to help. And natural instinct and men is to provide.

40:38 Protect Cherish gives support, guide everything everyone right, protect women and children and anybody who needs protection. There's a man on the side of the road that's going to pull over if your car breaks down. Another woman because for her there's danger and that she could fall into a trap. Right, So like a man will stop to make sure you know, to see if you could help you. That's natural mess Kennedy. And besides, always behind the first guy is the second eye pulls up just in case that guy's at peace. Because we know they're out there, right, We know these guys are out there. But that's so when a woman discover we need the true nature of men, the hero and man, the providing, protecting all women at all time. To all you have to ask for help and they go, h sure, of course you know anything else, and you go, thank you for such a gentleman, and they puff up. Right, you have the powers of women to bring men into the masculine even more by asking for help. So when this woman discover this, they go from being unsafe in the world to realize that they were surmounded by heroes.

41:37 They're surmounts of protection. So it's a different world, right. So that's the work. So what you've really done, if I can just kind of summarize and you can correct me if I'm wrong, you you have taken all this knowledge that you've gained over the years with your workshops and your reading and with the different mentors you've worked with, and you've put it all in to a package where people rather than having to do the same thing over heres. Can I actually go into your website and into the project Equinox and there you're sharing all the information and as you say, sharing the information is one thing, but then you have some way in which you are actually helping them to integrate that into their lives.

42:24 Yep, practice it, but to use go try this. You know. My favorite thing is again because when it are very different and what I tell them, which is it's factual. Like I tell the men that have the Owner's Manual for ladies, you just don't know how they work and they can't explain it. They're responding, right, and ladies have the owners Manual for the men, same thing. Managers respond to you, and so how do you get the best out of him instinctively? Right? The provider protector. So that's really the gig, like understand the other side, and part of it is is Louis, how many times I hear this? I say, go this week, you're going to go practice this right, and they go, how's that going to help? I'm like, okay, hold on, So your way doesn't work clearly, because that's why you're here. I'm about we try my way, right, And so they go, okay, whatever right at the beginning, in the beginning, because they don't some of the stuff they can't really grasp, like why right, I go go anyway and they come back they go, oh my god, I can't believe that worked. There was I can't believe that worked like, men did exactly what you said they're gonna do. I go, well, because that's that's what men do.

43:32 I'm not a genius. I'm just telling you and that I kind of discovered this new world, right. The same with the man when they understand. When the man understands, because we don't we don't need connection to survive, and we don't need to feel safe to survive. We create our own safety, and connection is something we don't need like the ladies. Right, So we're constantly scared the ladies because because of our own basically basic wiring. But when a man understand the first wife I had a client sterical. This was a couple of years back. He calls me. I didn't know him, he came referred, and he goes, I need your help. I go okay, he goes. I goes up. He goes my lovely wife of ten years. She used to be so sweet as love of my life.

44:14 That's why I married her. She's amazing. I go, yeah, he goes, well, now I come home, right, I come home from work. She's like, she looks at me, she goes, oh, it's you and goes in the kitchen. He goes, dude, she hates me. I don't know what happened. I go to work, I bring the money, I do my best. I don't understand, and I'm like, I want to call a name, like a dumbass. I go, well, because as a man, he doesn't understand rights. I go, I promise you. I don't know your wife, but I promise you if she's really like this, she feels stakey for granted, right, she feels like neglected. You don't talk to her, You give it the one word answer, right. You don't notice everything she does to support the household because you're too busy coming home, kicking off your shoes and turning on the TV. You don't appreciate all the stuff that's like you don't call it, you don't say it out loud, right, you take it all for granted, like you just sort of kind of you're okay because it's all working. But she is not okay because she feels disconnected. And she feels disconnected because you know, talking to her and you take it for granted. She gets resentful and she ultimately doesn't feel safe. So if you understand the feminine needs to be connected and safe, right, and just do that, and then then so he did, you know he did and kind of put in this this again, she had no idea both parties. I have to know. As long as one knows how to bring instinctively the best of the other person, it just works. Right, So they respond, So it worked, and he's like, you know, it took about a year because it takes there's a program and

45:44 this a continue practicing. So right, so it lands. It takes a year for transformation. That's not a long time. That's not a long time for a new life. But now he's like, dude, so I got my wife back, Thanks so much. But he's he knows how to do all this small stuff to make you feel connected and safe, something that we're blind to. He knows now, and he goes, he goes, he goes. Now when I come home, she's happy to see me, and sometimes she's at the door with a glass of wine. Thank you. Right, But again, it's understanding instinct really, it's all it is. So how do people find that? Project number one? And you had mentioned as we were talking earlier that you do have a gift for people. Yes, I do. So my website is Project equinox dot net.

46:27 And again everything's on there I'm on also showed media platform under either Project Equinox or my person my name on your parody, So depending on where you're going, but it's all on the website. You should be able to find all the all the YouTube, Instagram, TikTok at LinkedIn, so that's all on there. But yeah, so so my gift free listeners, and I think you'd appreciate that we talked about this earlier before we started recording that My my God mission is to really spread this to the masses. What's out there in the world right now. It's not working when we talk about you know, toxic masculinity and man or crap and you can't trust them and they're dangers and cheaters. Right when you make all women fearful of men, Well, how is this going to help? Right? So, but this out there, that's the pulse and so and then we push the women into go girl boss, baby independent because you can't trust these guys anyway, and they're all players, and that's that's destroying basically relationship, that's destroying families.

47:26 That means that children are not raising systems that are healthy so they could actually build their own healthy relationships and their own family. So then when family system fall apart, society and culture falls apart. That's what's happening out there. So what's your gift? What's your gift? My gift is I noticed it's two type listeners on podcast because that's why I do podcasts. Right, So some people are here for information. They're curious, they starting to poke around, right, They're like information. So if you're a listener, you'll find yourself. You know, qualify, classify yourself, will qualify yourself as if you're an information seeker. I want to send you directed to my email if you go to Andre Coaching the number one in Gmail a dre Coaching the word coaching number one at gmail dot com and in the subject box right. Irresistible book. I have this thirty page book called five Feminine Qualities High value men find absolutely irresistible. This is the work that I've done with men and then men talking about where they find it resistible in women ladies. That will knock your socks off.

48:28 It's free. If you just email me, I'll send it to you. I set out my website, I'll send it to you directly. It's a workbook, so there's pages and there's nose fit taken. It's fantastic. So information seekers on your coaching one Irresistible book Irresistible. The second type listeners I notice are people who more like action takers, like some of the stuff that we talked about for some people, like a lot of it resonates a lot of people often because I'm teaching nature. So if something I said resonated and you're curious you want to have a conversation with me, I will actually absolutely grant you an exploratory call. It's on me Andre coaching one in a subject box just right talk now. You can also ask me questions you request both. I don't care, like this is the gift.

49:13 And what I'll do is, I'll send you my calendar link. You'll find a space that's open. We have a one on one conversation like you and I are having right now, and then that will discover really I go right to childhood and finding the triggers that get us either too masculine, too feminine right, the injuries that we carry that drives our life, and that's how we get stuck in the loop. So like that, and then we'll talk about if we know what happened is fixable that's what I do. Right, And so if you're not broken, because we it's fixable, like what's the dream life? Where do you want? Relationship? Marriage? Kids? You know, turn whatever, right and then we'll talk about that. So for some people, whether like I said, it's five ways to get invested if you want. But and some people, even if you don't work together, just that call is liberating.

49:59 Okay, So as we close, As we closed, what would be that short message that you'd like to share with people? Okay, really quickly, it's again because of my work and when I see what's out there, I want to say, ladies and gentlemen, think for yourselves. What I mean by that is, you know, there's a pulse out there that my assistant is twenty nine years old and she cannot She wants a traditional life, she wants three kids, but she can't say that out loud in Los Angeles because the women attack her. Girl, we need to talk. You better to be some girls some man's slave and children ruin you. Okay. So what I'm saying is she wants to be traditional, right, be traditional. Think for yourselves. Be careful that you get caught in a title wave of boss babe. Gold girls, mena toxic. Just think for yourself, decode it. Learn this stuff, and be careful when you listen to because the culture right now is making This is why I'm so busy. Everything they teach in the culture is making relationships almost impossible.

50:57 Okay, very good, Andre, thanks so. Much, absolutely, my man. I appreciate your informative appreciate it, and folks, thanks for listening to Hope you enjoyed it and we look forward to having you join us again soon. Go to Project Equinix and find out a little bit, because I guarantee you we all have challenges with that. So anyway, there's doctor Duck saying, now, mistake