Oct. 20, 2025

ReLearn Love: Creating Conscious Relationships That Last

ReLearn Love: Creating Conscious Relationships That Last
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Dr. Doug welcomes Eri Kardos to explore how we can transform our relationships by unlearning old patterns and embracing emotional growth. From her journey at Amazon to becoming a global relationship coach, Eri shares her 4 Cs model and the power of conscious love to heal, connect, and thrive in both personal and professional life.

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WEBVTT

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This program is designed to provide general information with regards

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to the subject matters covered. This information is given with

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the understanding that neither the hosts, guests, sponsors, or station

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are engaged in rendering any specific and personal medical, financial,

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legal counseling, professional service, or any advice. You should seek

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the services of competent professionals before applying or trying any

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suggested ideas.

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At the end of the day, it's not about what

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you have or even what you've accomplished. It's about what

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you've done with those accomplishments. It's about who you've lifted up,

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who you've made better. It's about what you've given back.

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Denzel Washington, Welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is

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to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you

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to do the same.

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Ery, Welcome to the show.

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Hello, doctor Doug. Such a pleasure to be here with you.

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Oh, it's great to have you here. Just share with

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the audience. I know it. But where are you living?

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You can't tell of my background, but I'm actually based

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in Bali, Indonesia. And it is a beautiful sunny day here.

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Oh that's wonderful, and it's a beautiful hot sunny day here.

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We're so close Thailand and Bali, so close.

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I know, it's amazing. So anyway, I'm really looking forward

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to this. I think it's going to be a fun

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conversation for the folks. I'd love for you to kind

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of share your journey because you've written a book, You've

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obviously done a lot of things, but I always find

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it interesting to find out what brought you to this

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point in doing what you're doing.

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Yeah, I mean, we could spend all day telling that story,

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but I'll give the summary memories. I'm actually from the US,

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originally from Michigan and was raised there, lived all over

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the world, all of the United States. I would say,

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just in generally been really fascinated by personal development my

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whole life. I got my first COATR mental or when

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I was sixteen years old and just have continued on

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that path for a long time. I had a lot

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of interesting life experiences that took me all over, including

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joining the Air Force ROTC on a dare and then

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deciding to run a youth hostel in Boston and ended

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up getting my MBA from the world's number one international

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business school, and then being hired by Amazon dot Com

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to do leadership development, and so it was my path

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was kind of all over the place, and at the

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same time it made sense to me at the time.

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And throughout this whole process, I've just continued to really

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peek out on love and relationships and how do these

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things work and why are they so hard? And I've

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worked with therapists and coaches all the world just trying

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to figure out my own like what is this thing?

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And my parents taught marriage classes in their church they

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still do to this day. Yeah, so it's been a

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big part, a big theme of my life. And when

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I was at Amazon, I just, you know, it's like

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I just started noticing that as time and trust was

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established with my executives, that they would start opening up

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to me about more things going on in their personal lives.

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And my undergraduate degrees in sexual psychology. They started asking consent, hey,

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would you be okay with me talking to you about

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what's happening at home too, because I think they're connected,

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and many said yes. What I noticed was that when

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we put more attention on what's happening at home and

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matters of the heart, there's a really big shift. It

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was like these really successful people who would climb the

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corporate ladder and done amazing things academically, they didn't learn

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I would say, we didn't learn. We most humans didn't

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learn how to really love in a way that's that's

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going to get us the love that we desire. We

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didn't learn great communication skills. We didn't learn great active

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listening skills. They didn't learn how to be with our

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emotions or how to handle conflict. And these are what

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it takes to really have amazing, juicy, peaceful, enlivening relationships.

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So when I started focusing on these matters of the heart,

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whether they were single or in partnership, I'd watched these

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leaders come back to work with more drive and focus

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and inspiration and happiness. It would just ripple out into

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their teams, and I watched entire organizations change. You're focusing

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more on the bedroom than the boardroom. A lot an

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impact in the boardroom. And I was like, this is amazing,

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this is so fun, and it is so interesting.

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I know that when I was working with some small businesses,

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it was fascinating to see how and as you say,

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you know, I would say, look the principles we're going

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to talk about here, Because I got a lot into

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the human behavior part of it. You know, whatever it

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is here, it's going to be at home, or whatever

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it's at home, it's going to be here. And as

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you start to change it, it's amazing to see the results.

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So I love that. What brought you to writing your book? Yeah?

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So, so here I am at Amazon doing this thing.

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Find it way more rewarding to talk about the whole

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person instead of just the org. And what I discovered

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was that soon I started getting referred. So next thing

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I know, I'm working at Amazon doing leadership development by day,

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and by nights and weekends, I'm coaching executives that Google, Microsoft, Amazon, Relativity, SpaceX, Boeing,

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doing Hollywood actors. I'm like, Wow, what is going on?

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This is a real area of need, Like people's hearts

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really want to learn these things, and they want to

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feel supported and feel safe in the vulnerability and keeping

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the professionalism. So like, this is awesome. How can I

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keep doing this? I decided to quit my job at

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Amazon and start touring the world speaking and in one

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year I've spoken six different continents. And what I found

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was that there's just such a hunger for this globally.

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So I decided to continue to stay out of Amazon

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and start my own company, which is called Reader and Love.

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And I wrote my best selling book called Relationship Agreements.

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And then from there, I'm like you, I have a

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copy right here. So this is my book, Relationship Agreements,

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and now it's on audible. My husband and I recorded

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it about a year and a half ago together, and

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then from there just things kept on blossoming, and I

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just thought, this is my this is my purpose, this

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is my path, like running really in love and helping

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people learn how to love differently and being a mom.

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And so those are the two big things I focus

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my life on. And then this passed but a month ago,

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now almost a month ago. When this comes out, I'll

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be many many months old. But when about a month

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ago I got a chance to walk onto the ted

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X stage and it was such an amazing experience and

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to share my heart and some tools that I really

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believe in for changing the world and how we turn

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conflict into connection. So it's been a ride and I

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love it. I'm so blessed. And here we are not

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going to talk great.

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Here we are well, and you know what's interesting, and

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it sounds like you are extremely fortunate because of your parents.

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You know, when I look at and you know, we

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talk about divorce rates all over and I'm not sure

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how it is worldwide, but I think it's at least equal,

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if not worse, if not worse, at least what I

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see here in Thailand. But the thing that's interesting is

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that there's children, and as we grow up into teenagers

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and so forth, we're never taught really how to develop

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that relationship, even how to choose the right person that's

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going to be in a relationship with us and with

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us with them, and so often we see all of

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these choices being made that ultimately don't last for more

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than a year to five years or whatever that happens

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to be. What's your thoughts on how can we as

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parents help our children to start to learn more effectively

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number one, how to choose a partner, and number two,

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how to be able to maintain that relationship in a

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healthy way.

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I love these questions. I love that we're looking at

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intergenerational and not just right now, and it's all connected. Right,

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So first of all, let me let me back up

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to the moment and just say this question that I

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asked almost every class I teach which is I asked,

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We'll just pause, and I want you to count how

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many happy, healthy, long term cups you actually know, and

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you can define that however you want. What is happy

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to you, it is healthy to you, is long term

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to you. And what I find is that in over

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ninety percent of all my classes I've taught everywhere in

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the world, ninety percent of people are somewhere between zero

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and three couples total. Right, we just don't have the models.

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We don't know people who are actually doing this Disney thing, right,

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and yet we're supposed to be good at it, and

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we didn't learn how These are skills that we really

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they were being developed at an early age, but we

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didn't learn the skills. We learned these things that don't work,

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and then we believe that we know them, and then

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we're socially shamed if we try to get support, Like

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if you go see a therapist or a coach, people

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think there's something wrong with you. It's not like being

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proactive learning how to play tennis or learn how to

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start a business a business coach. It's like if you

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go to a coach or a therapist, you're broken in somehow.

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So we have to start shifting our mindset of we

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didn't learn this, it's time to learn it. And then

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there's this amazing, amazing organization that I love and I've

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done with a little bit of work with called the

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Gotman Institute. And the Gotman Institute are the world's leading

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researchers on couples. And they've taken all this research now

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and said, what do we do to influence the next

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generation so they can have healthy, happy, long term relationships.

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And the number one factor is teaching children how to

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be with their emotions, like really how to be with

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their emotions. And I say that as somebody who you know.

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I even when I was going through my coaching certification.

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I don't think I've admitted this too many times. But

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when I was going through my coaching certification, I got

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to the final exam, I took it, all of my

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class passed, and I was put on probation for six

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months because I was told that I'm trying to get

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people to be happy too quickly. I'm not allowing people

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to be seen in their pain and I and their

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vulnerability and really go into it. And I was like, oh,

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And I spent six months working on this and going

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really deep in my own journey and noticing, wow, my

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feelings as a child. My parents are amazing. I love

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them so much. I'm so grateful to them. They didn't

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have the tools that we now have access to around

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like just validating experiences as a child and validing our

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experience is now so much the time we're distracted or

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we're shamed, or we're told it's okay, and it's not okay.

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It's or to shut up, right, And so for me,

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I just learned the strategy of if there's big pain,

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if there's loneliness or sadness, all I gotta do is

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jump over it, get to the happiness, just find it,

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like you can just ignore it, right, And that invalidation

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carries out in life. And if the how do we

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show up and really allow ourselves to be with the

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pain and the sadness and the joy and the ecstasy

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and the anger whatever's there, not being afraid of the emotions,

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but learning how to be with them and then get

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the messages out of them, because I really believe emotions

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are just messengers trying to tell us something really cool.

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Well, and you know that that is so fascinating and

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it's so true that you know, don't cry. Quit crying.

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You know, as a child, you're really not allowed, for

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the most part, to show your emotions, and to a

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large degree is because as parents we were never taught

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our emotions right. And so you know, if we could

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help the adults to understand that, you know, what is

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time to go through that transformative program whatever it is,

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and learn to show your emotions and then from there

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be able to allow your children to have their emotions

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and to be able to discuss that. As I was

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going through one of my certifications on coaching and talking

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about relationships, one of the funny things that I always

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remember about emotions was, you know, the fellow said, hey,

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so here's something I never want you to do because

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you may get a divorce, but it's something that you

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really need to do. He says, when you get into

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a situation where an event happens and all of a sudden,

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your partner or your spouse is just for you asked

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the question, all right, my dear, what emotion came up

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to cause you to react this way? And you know,

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it's like, okay, you're in trouble. But the reality is

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and I have actually done that now, you know, but

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first started Okay, here's the emotion that came up for me,

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because I reacted too. But the reality is is to

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be able to identify the emotion suddenly. Number one puts

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the personal responsibility on the individual that's experiencing the emotion,

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because for the most part, events do not have emotion,

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they're non emotional. But then we apply based on our

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perception and our experiences in life, you will create an

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emotion that puts us into some type of situation. And

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so you know, I find it's interesting as you talk

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about it, helping parents understand that if they can learn

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to experience their own emotions, then they can teach their

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children to do the same thing. And as you say,

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it's a generational thing, it may take one, two, three

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generations for that to actually.

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Occur maybe or might just be one like we are

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seeing such a big shift. So we use in our home.

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We use many different tools, but one of our favorites

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to use the Gatman's tool called emotion coaching. And I

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can give you a really quick modified version of it

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just to get an idea in your head and think, okay,

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what we can you do? What can we do with this?

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And take it home and try it out. But you

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can emotion coach. If you have children, you can also

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emotion coach yourself, and even emotion coach you're beloved. It's

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just really amazing. So there's four steps. The first step

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is just witnessing, like what happened, Like like you were running,

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you fell down, used to cut your knee and you're crying.

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You know, like, okay, we're gonna witness this. Second, name

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the emotions. What are you feeling like? Oh, you're feeling

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sad and surprised and in pain. Okay, there's gonna empathize,

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you know, talk what has it felt like for you

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when you've fallen down and cut your knee? And if

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you've never fallen down and cut your knee, that's okay.

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What has it felt like when you have felt those

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same emotional concoction of sad, surprise, garrett, and pain. All

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felt that before. We can reallyst empathize with that, even

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if it's something as simple as ah, when I feel

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those things, it just sucks. That's enough. And then fourth,

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is there anything you need? And this is where a

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lot of people who love to problem solve, myself included,

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can get tripped up. We try to just solve the

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problem for them. But we need to go through all

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four steps and let the emotions start moving, and then

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people can solve their own problems. Most of the time,

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we can also offer problem solving here. So do you

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want a band aid? Do you want some snuggles?

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You know?

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Do I help solving that thing that made you run

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in the first place? You know, we can offer it,

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but we don't do it. And just these four steps,

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I mean, there's a lot more nuance to it. But

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when we start doing that for kids, we start doing

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for ourselves in the moment, when we feel a big emotion,

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it could be joy, it could be anger, whatever it

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is we witness and when we're empathizing, we're empathizing with

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that older part of ourselves. When else in life have

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I felt this way? That's huge, It's I discovered so

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much about myself. I'm like, ah, shoot, this is real.

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This fight that I'm having my husband actually reminds me

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of that time of my dead Shoot.

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Oh, I know.

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You know.

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It is so interesting how we can experience all of

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that and have no clue that literally we are at

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the effect of our emotions. We're at the effect of

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those imprints that have occurred in our early childhood or

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even generational through DNA that caused us to respond in

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a particular way that may be so out of the

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way that we would want to respond. Yes, and to

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be able as you said, you know, I love the

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fact as you recognize it and are aware of it.

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Somehow that starts to take that away and it starts

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to calm it down.

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Yeah. Yeah, And just recognizing that we all have our

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trauma responses and having a trauma response isn't bad, right,

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We all have trauma. Might just put it out there.

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We all trauma, and we all have these trauma responses,

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even though at least three of them most people, it's

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like fight, flight, freeze, and the last one is spawning

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or fixing or people pleasing. Right, It's like if I

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just say or do the right thing, the situation will stop.

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They all have these and it's okay. But what is

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really tripping up most of the world, I think, and

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causing a lot of conflicts and a lot of disconnect

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between parents and their kids, between beloveds, between you know,

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between best friends, even anybody we're close to. It's like

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we get in these situations where our trauma response is

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overriding everything, and we don't know how to be with it.

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And when we go into a trauma response the fight, flight, freeze, fawn.

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Our other person is going into their trauma response too.

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Oftentimes they take it so personally that you're doing this,

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and they believe the situation is about this old is

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not about the old memory their experience, and they really

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believe the situation is a personal attack on them. So

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now both people are trying to protect themselves in these

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trauma responses, and there's no way to have a calm, connected,

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logical way out when you're both I call it in

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the sandbox right when you're both in this response. But

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we can actually learn how to take turns. We can

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learn how to be in a trauma responsible of hurting

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somebody else. We can learn how to not take things

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personally and just love on that person where they are

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and help them get back out of the sandbox and

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on the bench. I like to say, so it's like,

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how do we bring them back to being in their grounded,

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healthy selves when you don't feel so flooded anymore, so

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triggered anymore. And from that place, you guys can really

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make some healing progress and be medicine for each other

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instead of poison and have so cool well.

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And you know, I mean, I don't know if you

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see what's going on back in the US all the

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I try to anger and so forth. I was just

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reading an article about Supreme Court Justice Roberts who was

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talking about the fact that you know what, here we

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are in the Supreme Court, and each one of us

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have our own ideas, and yes, sometimes we totally disagree,

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but the point is is we need to learn to

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work together and to understand each other. And although we

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may disagree and vote a different way, that's so important.

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And we see that going on in the US where

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it has just become so aligned one way or the other,

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and there's so much anger that's going on and so

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much frustration. And you know, you talk about love, and

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I love, you know, the relearn love, and I want

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to get into that a little bit more. But something

359
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that comes to my mind. I have a Christian background,

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and one of the things that comes to my mind

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and I always look at something and just kind of

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tweak it a little bit, you know. So when Christ said,

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you know, love God with all your heart, and second

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commandment is like love your neighbors as yourself. You know,

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everyone says, okay, so I got to love my neighbors

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like I love me. But I look at that and going,

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let's reverse that. You can't love your neighbors unless you

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love yourself.

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Yes.

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Yes, And so when you talk about the four seas

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of the relearned love model, and you talk about you know,

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relearn you've got that spell. Interestingly, because if you look

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at your website, you've got the R lower case E

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than capital L E A R N. Why well, why

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do you have it that way?

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Nobody's ever asked that before. But I love it. But

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I really, I really feel like there's this lack of

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understanding that you already learned love. You've already learned it,

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and the way that you learned it is just I'm

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tearing up. I'm tearing up just because I know what

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people have lived through and what has been modeled for them,

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and how how lacking that is of what is actually

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possible for people. And it makes so much sense based

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on the amount of hurt and loneliness and pain that

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this world has gone through, that we are at a

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place where we are so angry.

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Now.

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Anger is just a way of defending our boundaries, and

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so it makes sense that we're like that. There's so

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much anger right now. It's like, I don't feel safe.

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People don't feel safe, and they don't feel heard. And

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if we don't have the tools, excuse me, if we

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don't have the tools to really go out there and

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express ourselves and be heard and receive receive help, and

395
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receive love, it's going to be harder and harder for

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us to connect, and be easier and easier for us

397
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to push love away and to push the port away

398
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and push the connection away. So I just keep coming

399
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back to this idea that if we all had a

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little more compassion and grace with ourselves and understand that

401
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our parents and caregivers are the best they could with

402
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the tools they had, but what we learned is holding

403
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us back from connection and from depth and from love

404
00:20:29.519 --> 00:20:33.960
and from juiciness, it would change so much. Because it's like, Okay,

405
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if you don't know how to ride a bike and

406
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you want to learn how to ride a bike, they say, Okay,

407
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I'm going to go learn how to ride a bike,

408
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and you'd have so much grace and compassion with yourself

409
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and in the learning process. But because we have this

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idea that we're supposed to be good at this thing

411
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that we're just not. We're not good. We didn't learn

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the things that we're going to help us. In fact,

413
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we learned things that are probably going to deter us

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from getting what we want. It's the losing game we

415
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were taught. How do we change the game and change

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the rules that we get to have the love that

417
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we desired? And that's where we have to relearn we

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already learned. We have to kind of undo the mess

419
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and relearn what's actually going to work that I think

420
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we you know, going back to the model of Christ.

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Christ already modeled this for us. We learned this, We

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know this in our soul, how to love whether no

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matter what your religious, spiritual beliefs are, I believe that

424
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when we were born into this world we know how

425
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to naturally love. We are such beautiful, tiny creatures who

426
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just have nothing but love to give, and we lose

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that over time because we see other things modeled for us.

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So how do we come back to heart? How do

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00:21:31.880 --> 00:21:34.599
we come back to soul and find this? And this

430
00:21:34.640 --> 00:21:36.480
is where the reallearn love model comes in, and we

431
00:21:36.559 --> 00:21:38.880
have to choose to get curious first and say I

432
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don't know what I don't know, maybe I maybe what

433
00:21:41.240 --> 00:21:44.519
I know is actually not working. So let's get curious

434
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and learn what actually works. Then we move into the

435
00:21:46.759 --> 00:21:49.759
cultivating knowledge. This is where you're gonna learn what actually works.

436
00:21:50.160 --> 00:21:53.480
This isn't a fluffy subject anymore. This is love. Is

437
00:21:53.480 --> 00:21:56.759
something that's been so well researched. We have exact recipes

438
00:21:57.000 --> 00:21:59.200
for how to naviate conflict, for how to be with

439
00:21:59.200 --> 00:22:03.440
our emotions, or how to create connection that's meaningful. We

440
00:22:03.480 --> 00:22:05.200
just have to learn it. And you have to find

441
00:22:05.200 --> 00:22:07.759
the right fit for you, you know, like, not everyone's

442
00:22:07.799 --> 00:22:09.599
going to want to work with me, and not everyone's

443
00:22:09.640 --> 00:22:12.640
going to work with somebody else who has like a

444
00:22:12.759 --> 00:22:15.160
doctor or a therapist. Doesn't mean they're good, and it

445
00:22:15.160 --> 00:22:16.920
doesn't mean everybody fit for you, Like you got to

446
00:22:17.000 --> 00:22:19.880
find the right fit. And then we move into after

447
00:22:19.920 --> 00:22:22.519
you learn all the fun things right as a relationship

448
00:22:22.599 --> 00:22:25.799
junkie and a personal development junkie. I love this learning phase.

449
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I could be a student forever. But then we got

450
00:22:28.240 --> 00:22:30.000
to have the rubber meet the road, right, you have

451
00:22:30.039 --> 00:22:32.279
to move into sea if we change, and this is

452
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where we're actually changing our way of being we're having accountability.

453
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We're using the tools when it's hardest, when we go

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into our trauma responses, when we want to go back

455
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to how we saw our parents handle communication or conflict,

456
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when we want to push our motion the way, this

457
00:22:48.359 --> 00:22:50.240
is where we say no, no, no, no, no no, we're going

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to change this. We're going to actually use the tools.

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And then finally, when we do that, when we have

460
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this new way of being, we get to then celebrate.

461
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The fourth seas celebrate And it's so important because I

462
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feel like most of us are living in a culture

463
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where we're never good enough. It's never enough. There's something

464
00:23:06.720 --> 00:23:10.079
broken with you. If you're single, there's if you get engaged,

465
00:23:10.160 --> 00:23:11.880
is not enough until you're married. When you're married, it's

466
00:23:11.920 --> 00:23:13.880
not enough. If you have kids, you have kids, right

467
00:23:13.880 --> 00:23:16.319
It's like it never ending. It's never enough. You are

468
00:23:16.440 --> 00:23:19.000
never enough, And we can't just be happy and be

469
00:23:19.039 --> 00:23:21.839
in our current emotions right now and celebrate. So when

470
00:23:21.880 --> 00:23:24.119
we go through that, we got curious, we cultivated knowledge,

471
00:23:24.119 --> 00:23:27.200
we've changed, and when that change happens, those critical moments

472
00:23:27.279 --> 00:23:29.960
and you choose not to fight the way you usually fight,

473
00:23:30.039 --> 00:23:31.920
when you choose to feel in a way that you

474
00:23:32.400 --> 00:23:35.799
feel scary and vulnerable, but you do it anyway. That's

475
00:23:35.799 --> 00:23:38.640
when we celebrate, that really cements it into our body

476
00:23:38.680 --> 00:23:41.839
of the This is the new way of loving and

477
00:23:41.920 --> 00:23:44.759
that that I believe and not even believe. I see

478
00:23:44.759 --> 00:23:46.799
it changing the world and I want that for everyone.

479
00:23:47.240 --> 00:23:49.720
Okay, So I want you to just list now those

480
00:23:49.759 --> 00:23:52.119
four seas because as you were talking about it, you

481
00:23:52.200 --> 00:23:54.279
were using the words and like, all right, there's one seat.

482
00:23:54.279 --> 00:23:55.079
There's one seat.

483
00:23:55.559 --> 00:23:56.880
So first one is get curious.

484
00:23:57.119 --> 00:24:01.319
Curious, first curious, Okay, I get curious.

485
00:24:01.880 --> 00:24:03.640
To cultivate knowledge.

486
00:24:03.920 --> 00:24:04.359
Okay.

487
00:24:04.880 --> 00:24:09.160
Number three change actually take the change. Yeah, and number

488
00:24:09.160 --> 00:24:10.039
four is celebrate.

489
00:24:10.440 --> 00:24:14.759
All right, So you talk about communication a lot, and

490
00:24:15.039 --> 00:24:19.960
you know, obviously communication is something that is probably the

491
00:24:20.079 --> 00:24:23.559
least understood how to do it well, and yet it's

492
00:24:23.599 --> 00:24:25.920
the most important thing in our lives is to be

493
00:24:26.000 --> 00:24:30.359
able to learn to communicate. And so let's talk about

494
00:24:30.400 --> 00:24:32.599
that a little bit as you look at what are

495
00:24:32.599 --> 00:24:36.359
the challenges for people and their communication skills and how

496
00:24:36.400 --> 00:24:41.480
do they improve communication at least from their point of view?

497
00:24:41.960 --> 00:24:46.319
And then the second, the third question is if if

498
00:24:46.440 --> 00:24:51.000
I change my communication skills, and am I going to

499
00:24:51.039 --> 00:24:55.839
see a change in my wife's communication skills.

500
00:24:55.559 --> 00:25:02.319
Or I love your questions. Good, all right, So biggest

501
00:25:02.359 --> 00:25:05.240
challenges in communication. Biggest challenges are we didn't learn how

502
00:25:05.240 --> 00:25:08.359
to communicate, and there's so much good knowledge out there.

503
00:25:08.359 --> 00:25:10.920
So Number one, I would say, learning how to listen

504
00:25:11.000 --> 00:25:13.839
is one of the most incredible skills you will ever develop.

505
00:25:14.279 --> 00:25:17.279
You don't if you are listening to me, and you

506
00:25:17.359 --> 00:25:20.839
are or your partner or your child, if you're listening

507
00:25:20.880 --> 00:25:24.079
to them right put that in quotes, and and you

508
00:25:24.319 --> 00:25:26.680
are thinking of your response or how you're going to

509
00:25:26.759 --> 00:25:29.880
defend yourself, or you're you know, or you're noticing other

510
00:25:29.920 --> 00:25:31.599
things around the room, and you're not fully present and

511
00:25:31.680 --> 00:25:34.000
really hearing what they're saying, and not just hearing but

512
00:25:34.160 --> 00:25:37.880
you're starting to sense into the underlying feeling behind it.

513
00:25:38.240 --> 00:25:40.640
You're not really listening, if you know, if you're not

514
00:25:40.680 --> 00:25:43.640
getting your full attention, like eye contact and like nodding

515
00:25:43.680 --> 00:25:46.119
your head and being present, you're not really listening and

516
00:25:46.160 --> 00:25:48.839
they're not feeling listened to, they're not feeling heard. So

517
00:25:48.839 --> 00:25:51.079
the number one we gathered how to listen. Number two,

518
00:25:51.200 --> 00:25:53.079
we need to learn how to communicate in a way

519
00:25:53.160 --> 00:25:55.640
the other person can receive us. I mean, I can

520
00:25:55.839 --> 00:25:58.400
say I can just shout how I feel at somebody

521
00:25:58.400 --> 00:26:00.599
doesn't mean they're going to get it. And so much

522
00:26:00.680 --> 00:26:03.960
the time we feel like we're communicating because we're just

523
00:26:04.279 --> 00:26:08.319
verbally vomiting, but the only person isn't receiving it, So

524
00:26:08.359 --> 00:26:11.160
what's the point It's not being received. So we need

525
00:26:11.160 --> 00:26:12.920
to make sure the message is getting through. And there's

526
00:26:12.920 --> 00:26:15.359
so many beautiful skills we can learn around how to

527
00:26:15.440 --> 00:26:17.640
do that. Some of them just being around how we

528
00:26:17.680 --> 00:26:20.480
communicate presents. Some of them around how we invite people

529
00:26:20.519 --> 00:26:24.119
into the conversations that are just throwing something at them.

530
00:26:24.279 --> 00:26:25.599
You know, it's like, oh, my wife was stay in

531
00:26:25.640 --> 00:26:27.839
the kitchen and I told her I was feeling. I'm like,

532
00:26:28.440 --> 00:26:31.119
was she cooking? Was she able to give you her presence?

533
00:26:31.440 --> 00:26:32.720
Did you stay it in a way that she was

534
00:26:32.720 --> 00:26:35.039
going to receive you, or did you just like word vomit.

535
00:26:35.480 --> 00:26:37.880
And you know, it makes such a big difference to

536
00:26:37.920 --> 00:26:40.480
feel really heard. And on top of that, we can

537
00:26:40.559 --> 00:26:42.799
learn about body language and about how do we create

538
00:26:42.799 --> 00:26:45.799
a space to really talk. If we're trying to talk

539
00:26:45.880 --> 00:26:48.720
in the middle of grocery shopping, it's probably not going

540
00:26:48.759 --> 00:26:50.319
to be as well received as if we just say,

541
00:26:50.359 --> 00:26:51.640
let's go to the park and sit down on a

542
00:26:51.640 --> 00:26:53.920
bench and really like, give you to our full presents

543
00:26:53.920 --> 00:26:57.160
and talk about this. Right, are you available for this conversation?

544
00:26:57.559 --> 00:27:01.119
This invitation is so big to emotionally prepare somebody to

545
00:27:01.200 --> 00:27:04.039
have a drop in time, it changes from a dialogue

546
00:27:04.039 --> 00:27:06.000
and every day dand or two like we're here, really

547
00:27:06.000 --> 00:27:08.279
really here to hear each other and learn. And then

548
00:27:08.839 --> 00:27:11.000
I love this question. You know, I learned this question

549
00:27:11.039 --> 00:27:13.319
from my husband. My husband, I have been married. This

550
00:27:13.319 --> 00:27:15.720
will be our this ye'll be our tenth wedding. We

551
00:27:15.759 --> 00:27:17.799
get married every year if we decide to get remarried.

552
00:27:18.759 --> 00:27:21.559
Our commitment is not until death to us part. But

553
00:27:21.680 --> 00:27:23.359
every year we tune back in and see how is

554
00:27:23.400 --> 00:27:25.319
the health of our relationship and where is this going?

555
00:27:25.680 --> 00:27:27.680
And he asked me this question, He's like, what does

556
00:27:27.720 --> 00:27:29.960
it mean to you? And I have to say that

557
00:27:30.039 --> 00:27:32.960
one question alone has changed the way I work with

558
00:27:32.960 --> 00:27:35.160
my clients and with my kids, and with my husband's way.

559
00:27:35.200 --> 00:27:38.079
I show up what does it mean to you? Because otherwise,

560
00:27:38.079 --> 00:27:40.759
when I hear somebody speak, I have all sorts of

561
00:27:40.799 --> 00:27:43.880
projections of what I think if they mean. But if

562
00:27:43.920 --> 00:27:46.240
I drop in and say, but what does that mean?

563
00:27:46.279 --> 00:27:48.000
To you, What is this thing that you want mean

564
00:27:48.039 --> 00:27:49.519
to you? What? How do you what does this feeling

565
00:27:49.559 --> 00:27:51.640
mean to you? It's a whole They have a whole

566
00:27:51.720 --> 00:27:54.839
different life, they have a whole different lived experience. It's wild,

567
00:27:55.000 --> 00:27:58.200
it's not mine. And I am so often surprised and

568
00:27:58.240 --> 00:28:01.000
blown away by Wow, this is not what I thought

569
00:28:01.000 --> 00:28:04.039
it was so truly being able to communicate and understand

570
00:28:04.079 --> 00:28:06.839
something that's meaningful behind it, it's going to be one

571
00:28:06.839 --> 00:28:08.960
of the most powerful things we can do, not just

572
00:28:09.000 --> 00:28:12.480
in love, but in leadership and life. It's like whoa

573
00:28:12.759 --> 00:28:15.240
if we can communicate so much as possible and get

574
00:28:15.240 --> 00:28:17.480
off the text messages. I mean, there's a time and

575
00:28:17.519 --> 00:28:19.720
a place for text messages, but we at the end

576
00:28:19.720 --> 00:28:22.759
of the day, are we need to see each other's

577
00:28:22.759 --> 00:28:25.000
facial expressions. We need to hear the changes in the

578
00:28:25.039 --> 00:28:27.640
tone of voice. We need to see how our skin

579
00:28:27.839 --> 00:28:30.920
changes color, or our breathing changes based on what's being said.

580
00:28:31.319 --> 00:28:34.440
There's so much information that's nonverbal that we need to

581
00:28:34.480 --> 00:28:37.680
see that we're losing touch with by doing internet dating,

582
00:28:38.000 --> 00:28:41.119
by doing texting all the time. To handle communication like

583
00:28:41.440 --> 00:28:43.039
we need to come back to the art of being

584
00:28:43.039 --> 00:28:44.400
in connection well.

585
00:28:44.440 --> 00:28:46.599
And you know, I love what you talked about there.

586
00:28:46.640 --> 00:28:48.559
And you know when you talk about the first point

587
00:28:48.720 --> 00:28:52.440
is listening, and I think you know, listening with understanding,

588
00:28:52.759 --> 00:28:56.319
and you know, maybe for the audience. Just a good example,

589
00:28:56.319 --> 00:29:00.759
as you were going through the four c's and I said, okay,

590
00:29:00.839 --> 00:29:02.680
I want you to go through one more time, just

591
00:29:02.799 --> 00:29:06.920
listening for me each time. And as you say, our

592
00:29:06.960 --> 00:29:09.880
perceptions are so different, is it would be so interesting

593
00:29:09.960 --> 00:29:12.240
for us to be able to listen to what someone

594
00:29:12.359 --> 00:29:16.279
is saying and then ask questions say Okay, I'm not

595
00:29:16.359 --> 00:29:18.400
quite sure I understand what you meant by that. And

596
00:29:18.440 --> 00:29:21.880
that's where you're talking about getting into their reality and

597
00:29:21.960 --> 00:29:25.640
really understanding. And then, as you say, and I love

598
00:29:25.680 --> 00:29:29.319
this part, as you then respond to them, the question

599
00:29:29.559 --> 00:29:32.839
is is how are you responding? And you know, as

600
00:29:32.839 --> 00:29:36.559
you say, you've got your body language, you've got your words,

601
00:29:36.759 --> 00:29:40.200
you've got your tonality, and all of those things can

602
00:29:40.279 --> 00:29:45.599
affect the way that they perceive how you're communicating with them. Yes, much,

603
00:29:46.079 --> 00:29:49.039
so much, so much, you know, and I tell this

604
00:29:49.119 --> 00:29:51.240
story too, and I laugh about it. You know, I

605
00:29:51.240 --> 00:29:54.279
get into the personality profiling and all of that type

606
00:29:54.319 --> 00:29:57.119
of stuff. So I happen to be very much. And

607
00:29:57.319 --> 00:30:03.119
you know, yeah, anyway, a combination of introvert and extrovert

608
00:30:03.359 --> 00:30:07.519
left bring totally left ring. Okay, And so you know,

609
00:30:07.720 --> 00:30:10.319
my kids for a while they're going dad, you know,

610
00:30:10.400 --> 00:30:13.799
I realized, okay, so I learned I had and I

611
00:30:13.920 --> 00:30:16.599
learned this when I was going through some programs. So

612
00:30:16.640 --> 00:30:18.720
I now stop with my kids as we get into

613
00:30:18.720 --> 00:30:21.480
communication and they're asking me a question, I said, all right,

614
00:30:21.839 --> 00:30:23.480
I want to know. Do you want me just to

615
00:30:23.559 --> 00:30:27.920
listen or do you want my opinion? Yeah? And you

616
00:30:28.000 --> 00:30:30.839
know I had to do that because they felt like

617
00:30:30.920 --> 00:30:34.440
I was criticizing them when I honestly was loving them

618
00:30:34.559 --> 00:30:38.400
and trying to offer quote sage advice.

619
00:30:38.720 --> 00:30:42.960
Because you're your wise dad, I get it.

620
00:30:41.759 --> 00:30:45.839
And now now it's like and we laugh about it.

621
00:30:45.839 --> 00:30:47.240
It's like, all right, you want me to listen or

622
00:30:47.279 --> 00:30:49.440
do you want my opinion? And a lot of times here,

623
00:30:49.599 --> 00:30:51.839
d I just listener? No, No, I really would appreciate

624
00:30:51.880 --> 00:30:54.680
your opinion. And I think that's come when they'd become

625
00:30:54.720 --> 00:30:57.559
adults more. But I think it's so important first to

626
00:30:57.680 --> 00:31:01.240
understand that, you know, we get into the personality types

627
00:31:01.279 --> 00:31:04.079
and how we are, how we communicate, and understand that,

628
00:31:04.240 --> 00:31:07.720
you know, what our body language, our words, how we

629
00:31:07.759 --> 00:31:11.200
do it is so important and understanding how the other

630
00:31:11.319 --> 00:31:16.000
individual wants to be communicated with and it's not the same.

631
00:31:16.519 --> 00:31:17.519
It's not the same.

632
00:31:17.880 --> 00:31:21.400
Yeah yeah, I mean for me, if someone talks and

633
00:31:21.440 --> 00:31:25.000
talks and talks and talks and talks, it's like, just

634
00:31:25.039 --> 00:31:28.000
get to the point. Just get to the point. Okay.

635
00:31:28.559 --> 00:31:33.559
My daughter, who's more left brain extra, is like, let's talk,

636
00:31:33.680 --> 00:31:36.039
let's talk, let's talk. You know, we'll be on the phone.

637
00:31:36.039 --> 00:31:38.960
I'm going, okay, honey, it's time. Oh day, Okay, I'm

638
00:31:38.960 --> 00:31:41.680
talking too much, right, go Yeah, And we laugh about it.

639
00:31:42.160 --> 00:31:46.240
But the point is is that based on their personalities,

640
00:31:46.880 --> 00:31:49.400
we talk the way we think we should talk, but

641
00:31:49.480 --> 00:31:52.079
we don't understand that that's not maybe how the other

642
00:31:52.160 --> 00:31:54.519
person wants to receive that communication.

643
00:31:55.119 --> 00:31:57.599
Yeah, And there's no right or wrong right, but it's

644
00:31:57.640 --> 00:32:01.200
that awareness of these are two different persons. Thousand, where's

645
00:32:01.200 --> 00:32:03.000
the win win for us? Like what is the sweet

646
00:32:03.039 --> 00:32:05.920
spot where we both feel being heard and loved? And

647
00:32:05.960 --> 00:32:10.720
that's that's the magic it Yeah yeah, okay, way to

648
00:32:10.759 --> 00:32:12.720
go for you guys, figuring that out so.

649
00:32:12.759 --> 00:32:15.640
Your opinion, you know, And and this happens all the time.

650
00:32:15.640 --> 00:32:20.440
In relationships, when your partner triggers you, how do you

651
00:32:20.519 --> 00:32:23.200
handle those emotions? What do you do? Now? I mentioned

652
00:32:23.200 --> 00:32:25.519
a little bit of what I would do, but I'm

653
00:32:25.559 --> 00:32:28.559
asking you when your partner, because obviously you've been married

654
00:32:28.599 --> 00:32:31.319
ten years, you've got a great relationship. I'm sure you

655
00:32:31.359 --> 00:32:34.720
have those triggers. Oh well, how do you handle that?

656
00:32:34.799 --> 00:32:37.200
How do you handle those big emotions when you get

657
00:32:37.240 --> 00:32:39.160
triggered by your partner, by your husband?

658
00:32:39.519 --> 00:32:42.799
Yeah, quick caveat. Of course I get triggered. Of course

659
00:32:42.880 --> 00:32:46.359
he's triggered, Like we all get triggered. And even as

660
00:32:46.400 --> 00:32:49.839
a relationship expert, I still am like I've got the tools,

661
00:32:50.160 --> 00:32:53.039
and it's hard to use the tools all all the

662
00:32:53.039 --> 00:32:53.920
time in the great way.

663
00:32:53.960 --> 00:32:54.559
So what do we do?

664
00:32:55.160 --> 00:32:56.759
Chapter five of my book is going to have really

665
00:32:56.880 --> 00:32:59.039
clear like guidance of step by steps and stuff you

666
00:32:59.039 --> 00:33:01.839
can do. Is going to have some really great stuff

667
00:33:01.839 --> 00:33:04.079
on like way you can do stuff by step. There's

668
00:33:04.079 --> 00:33:06.319
a lot of The important thing to know is that

669
00:33:06.640 --> 00:33:09.720
everybody gets triggered, and that's okay. And one of the

670
00:33:09.759 --> 00:33:13.359
greatest things you can do is just pause, give yourself

671
00:33:13.359 --> 00:33:16.000
a chance to pause, to break the old pattern, the

672
00:33:16.039 --> 00:33:19.279
old patterns you've been practicing for decades, so now we

673
00:33:19.319 --> 00:33:22.839
either try something new. So whatever your whatever your trauma

674
00:33:22.880 --> 00:33:27.160
response is, fye, flight, freeze, fawn, just pause. And I

675
00:33:27.240 --> 00:33:29.559
love finding creative ways to do this and have some

676
00:33:29.599 --> 00:33:31.839
fun and bring in some humor because we know that

677
00:33:31.839 --> 00:33:33.279
there are some fights that are just going to be

678
00:33:33.359 --> 00:33:37.000
unresolvable conflicts for the rest of your relationship and that's okay,

679
00:33:37.440 --> 00:33:39.920
but we don't want these conflicts to be taken so

680
00:33:40.079 --> 00:33:44.200
personally until last a week of disconnection or more. What

681
00:33:44.240 --> 00:33:46.960
we wanted to do is get it down to the

682
00:33:47.000 --> 00:33:49.759
situation arises, you feel the trauma coming in, you feel

683
00:33:49.759 --> 00:33:52.920
the trigger coming in, the overwhelming is happening. You both

684
00:33:53.000 --> 00:33:55.640
learn how to create a safe space for the pause

685
00:33:56.079 --> 00:33:58.480
and go take care of yourselves for a moment, because

686
00:33:58.480 --> 00:34:00.799
it's not about the situation. Like as you said, it's

687
00:34:00.799 --> 00:34:03.400
not about the situation. So take a moment to pause,

688
00:34:03.640 --> 00:34:05.680
go take a little bit of spaith and agree upon

689
00:34:05.759 --> 00:34:08.079
what does that actually mean. Usually if about twenty minutes,

690
00:34:08.159 --> 00:34:10.559
and here's what you're doing in that twenty minutes, we're

691
00:34:10.599 --> 00:34:13.599
gonna just do with them. Checking in with our emotions.

692
00:34:13.639 --> 00:34:15.679
You had emotion coach we did earlier. You can do

693
00:34:15.719 --> 00:34:18.920
that with yourself, like what just happened? What am I feeling?

694
00:34:19.360 --> 00:34:21.280
What is this reminded me of? And what do I

695
00:34:21.320 --> 00:34:23.880
need right now? That's a great one. Just taking some

696
00:34:23.920 --> 00:34:26.920
breaths or journaling can be really really helpful. But how

697
00:34:26.920 --> 00:34:29.199
do you allow yourself to be with those emotions. I

698
00:34:29.239 --> 00:34:31.599
love doing it, like being my body more. I really

699
00:34:31.679 --> 00:34:33.920
believe our body holds a lot of tension and trauma.

700
00:34:34.039 --> 00:34:36.360
So you know, doing some of the breathing and jumping

701
00:34:36.400 --> 00:34:38.960
and shaking, or hit some pillows. We have. We have

702
00:34:39.039 --> 00:34:41.679
pillows in all of our house and when whenever we

703
00:34:41.719 --> 00:34:43.960
have big emotions, like our kids know, we're gonna go

704
00:34:43.960 --> 00:34:45.679
to the pillows and we're all gonna just hit pillows

705
00:34:45.679 --> 00:34:48.239
together just to move some of the energy and then

706
00:34:48.360 --> 00:34:51.239
we can think more clearly because you feel at charge.

707
00:34:51.320 --> 00:34:52.960
Right It's like some people are like I want to

708
00:34:53.000 --> 00:34:54.719
hit something like great, then go hit a pillow. Don't

709
00:34:54.800 --> 00:34:56.719
hurt yourself, don't hurt anybody else, Just go hit a pillow.

710
00:34:56.719 --> 00:34:57.480
Great, you know?

711
00:34:57.719 --> 00:35:00.559
Or I want to scream, great, cover your hand into

712
00:35:00.599 --> 00:35:03.440
a pillow, into your cover your mouth with your hands,

713
00:35:03.519 --> 00:35:05.199
or cover your mouth with a pillow and just scream

714
00:35:05.239 --> 00:35:07.320
for a minute. Like, trust your body that it wants

715
00:35:07.320 --> 00:35:10.199
to move this and once it's moved in a way

716
00:35:10.199 --> 00:35:12.880
it's not hurting anybody else, then e motion coach yourself.

717
00:35:13.079 --> 00:35:15.800
Then just breathe and think about when have I felt

718
00:35:15.800 --> 00:35:18.920
this before. It's reminding you of something from your past,

719
00:35:19.239 --> 00:35:21.880
and that's where the golden nuggets of information are of

720
00:35:22.320 --> 00:35:24.559
you know, in my path, this is how people would

721
00:35:24.559 --> 00:35:26.840
respond to me. This is how lonely I felt, with

722
00:35:26.920 --> 00:35:30.239
how angry I felt, and here's what I really am craving,

723
00:35:30.320 --> 00:35:32.239
here's what I really want, And you can start to

724
00:35:32.320 --> 00:35:33.960
learn how to ask for what you want and take

725
00:35:34.000 --> 00:35:37.440
ownership of Shoot, babe, like I know we were in

726
00:35:37.440 --> 00:35:41.000
this fight, and I know that you just wanted. Like

727
00:35:41.159 --> 00:35:42.960
my husband and I have this example of hot sauce,

728
00:35:43.039 --> 00:35:45.199
Like I ended up buying him dinner one night and

729
00:35:45.320 --> 00:35:48.239
getting getting not enough hot sauce for him, and he

730
00:35:48.280 --> 00:35:51.960
felt not considered, which is his big story of Oh,

731
00:35:52.199 --> 00:35:56.000
it just pulses through his life. He's not considered enough, right, right,

732
00:35:56.039 --> 00:35:58.559
and so then he doesn't feel consiirt because I didn't

733
00:35:58.559 --> 00:36:01.599
get enough hot sauce, which was just the right. Life happens.

734
00:36:01.960 --> 00:36:04.880
And for me, my big woe is me story through

735
00:36:04.880 --> 00:36:07.360
my whole life. We call the core wound is I'm

736
00:36:07.400 --> 00:36:09.599
not good enough. So as soon as he goes into

737
00:36:09.639 --> 00:36:11.400
I'm not considering, I'm like, oh, I'm not good enough.

738
00:36:11.400 --> 00:36:14.239
I didn't get enough hot sauce. Right. It is always,

739
00:36:15.159 --> 00:36:18.400
not always, but almost always these same big underlying stories

740
00:36:18.400 --> 00:36:20.599
that I have felt since I was a little girl,

741
00:36:20.639 --> 00:36:22.239
and he just felt since he was a little boy.

742
00:36:22.559 --> 00:36:24.519
And right now we're making it about the situation, but

743
00:36:24.559 --> 00:36:26.480
it's not. And I can come back and say, Babe,

744
00:36:26.679 --> 00:36:28.280
you know I wanted to fight you on this, but

745
00:36:28.360 --> 00:36:30.920
I see I'm just feeling not good enough. Can you

746
00:36:30.960 --> 00:36:33.239
can keep you be medicine for me instead of like

747
00:36:33.639 --> 00:36:36.079
rareling into this disconnect. Can you just tell me that

748
00:36:36.119 --> 00:36:38.199
I'm good enough even when I made a mistake And

749
00:36:38.360 --> 00:36:39.840
he's like, yeah, can you just tell me that you

750
00:36:39.880 --> 00:36:42.679
actually were considering me and he didn't forget about me. Yeah,

751
00:36:43.000 --> 00:36:44.639
I am considering you. I was thinking about you, and

752
00:36:44.639 --> 00:36:47.239
I am so sorry that I didn't know to get

753
00:36:47.239 --> 00:36:49.400
that extra hot sauce. And this is where we get

754
00:36:49.400 --> 00:36:54.159
to build connection instead of having the old wounds just

755
00:36:54.239 --> 00:36:57.119
perpetuate and perpetuate and become more and more poisonous.

756
00:36:57.239 --> 00:36:59.400
Well, and you know, you brought up something else that

757
00:36:59.440 --> 00:37:03.960
I think is so important and I experienced this. You know,

758
00:37:04.199 --> 00:37:07.039
you get into you get into the situation where you're

759
00:37:07.079 --> 00:37:09.320
not happy with each other, and as you say, you

760
00:37:09.360 --> 00:37:12.920
go and beat pillows, and I can imagine what happens

761
00:37:13.039 --> 00:37:15.679
your kids watch you. You're watching each other, and all

762
00:37:15.679 --> 00:37:18.000
of a sudden that anger turns into laughter.

763
00:37:18.360 --> 00:37:20.360
Oh my gosh, you know what pillow bites we have.

764
00:37:20.840 --> 00:37:22.239
It's ridiculous, you.

765
00:37:22.199 --> 00:37:27.360
Know, And so it's so fascinating if you can find

766
00:37:27.440 --> 00:37:31.159
ways that you can do that. I know that we watch,

767
00:37:31.320 --> 00:37:33.880
you know, we watch a lot of movies that you know,

768
00:37:34.559 --> 00:37:36.960
kind of this kind of stuff, fighting and so forth.

769
00:37:37.400 --> 00:37:39.840
And every once in a while, after we've had some

770
00:37:39.960 --> 00:37:43.320
kind of trauma going on there, we kind of look

771
00:37:43.360 --> 00:37:45.159
at each other. We put our fists up and we

772
00:37:45.239 --> 00:37:47.400
go back and forth like that and we start to

773
00:37:47.480 --> 00:37:51.599
laugh and it's over. It's over. So to be able

774
00:37:51.679 --> 00:37:55.960
to bring humor and laughter ultimately, find find ways to

775
00:37:56.079 --> 00:37:59.079
do that, And you know that takes a conscious effort.

776
00:37:59.239 --> 00:38:03.639
And I know you talk a little bit about conscious relationships,

777
00:38:03.880 --> 00:38:06.679
and I'd love for you to just to kind of

778
00:38:06.960 --> 00:38:11.800
talk a little bit about that. The conscious relationship and

779
00:38:11.000 --> 00:38:16.440
how do you have those relationship agreements? And obviously and

780
00:38:16.599 --> 00:38:19.239
as we get closer to the end, I'd love for

781
00:38:19.280 --> 00:38:22.239
you to talk about conscious relationships and how do we

782
00:38:22.280 --> 00:38:22.519
do that.

783
00:38:23.079 --> 00:38:26.840
Yeah, So, in general, the idea is most people stop

784
00:38:27.239 --> 00:38:30.159
being intentional about their relationships after they say I do,

785
00:38:30.679 --> 00:38:33.800
And I just want to invite into the idea that

786
00:38:34.199 --> 00:38:36.679
there's so much more possible and if we tune into

787
00:38:36.719 --> 00:38:38.960
what is it that we really want, even in the

788
00:38:39.079 --> 00:38:41.519
first dating phase when you know you guys are creating

789
00:38:41.519 --> 00:38:44.360
a partnership, what is your foundation, like, what do we

790
00:38:44.400 --> 00:38:47.320
want to be? And so my book Relationship Agreements is

791
00:38:47.320 --> 00:38:50.480
all about how we take these assumptions and expectations instead

792
00:38:50.480 --> 00:38:52.719
of having them stay out there, we talk about them

793
00:38:52.840 --> 00:38:55.519
and we write them down. I love Google docs, super

794
00:38:55.599 --> 00:38:57.960
easy to edit. You know, it's a living document. It's

795
00:38:57.960 --> 00:39:00.480
going to change and evolve over time. You're going to

796
00:39:00.519 --> 00:39:02.199
be different six months from now, They're going to be

797
00:39:02.239 --> 00:39:04.639
different from six month monthsrom now. Your relationship is gonna

798
00:39:04.639 --> 00:39:06.960
be different six months from now. So letting it evolve

799
00:39:07.000 --> 00:39:11.280
over time and talking about okay, well, what do we

800
00:39:11.320 --> 00:39:13.920
really want and why what does it mean to us?

801
00:39:14.159 --> 00:39:16.480
And that could be everything from how we handle finances

802
00:39:16.760 --> 00:39:19.719
to how we handle conflict, to how we communicate. Maybe

803
00:39:19.760 --> 00:39:21.559
it's really important for me to get a good morning

804
00:39:21.559 --> 00:39:23.480
and a good night text from you, and that's really

805
00:39:23.559 --> 00:39:25.679
like something that's meaningful for me. Can we just agree

806
00:39:25.719 --> 00:39:27.880
to that instead of me getting pissed off when you

807
00:39:27.920 --> 00:39:31.840
don't send me that? Right, because you can know, or

808
00:39:32.199 --> 00:39:34.199
our roles and responsibilities are on the house, or how

809
00:39:34.239 --> 00:39:36.280
we're going to parent, or how are we going to

810
00:39:36.960 --> 00:39:40.039
continue to invest in our intimacy and explore together? Right, Like,

811
00:39:40.159 --> 00:39:43.199
all these things are things I think people take for granted,

812
00:39:43.639 --> 00:39:47.199
and we develop these recipes that feel really comfortable but

813
00:39:47.280 --> 00:39:50.679
stagnate over time. So instead of letting things stagnate, how

814
00:39:50.679 --> 00:39:53.599
do we continue to choose, lean in, and choose to

815
00:39:53.679 --> 00:39:57.800
evolve together. This is conscious relating and I really believe

816
00:39:57.800 --> 00:40:00.119
you can create whatever you want from this space. And

817
00:40:00.159 --> 00:40:02.119
when things aren't working anymore, you say this is not

818
00:40:02.159 --> 00:40:04.400
working for anymore? What do we need to shift? And

819
00:40:04.400 --> 00:40:06.199
we create a new agreement and then we can move

820
00:40:06.239 --> 00:40:08.679
forward that new agreement and there's so much freedom and

821
00:40:08.760 --> 00:40:12.400
safety in it, it's wild. So that is really what

822
00:40:12.480 --> 00:40:15.320
I invite people to do, is create a blank canvas

823
00:40:15.400 --> 00:40:17.920
and create the relationship you want and allow it to evolve.

824
00:40:18.400 --> 00:40:20.880
Maybe check in once a quarter, you know, whatever feels

825
00:40:20.960 --> 00:40:23.679
right for you, go on a little vacation or vacation

826
00:40:23.760 --> 00:40:26.079
somewhere and to be like, how are we doing? Is

827
00:40:26.119 --> 00:40:29.239
there any friction points? Am I noticing judgment towards you?

828
00:40:29.360 --> 00:40:31.960
Or am I feeling judged by you or about this situation?

829
00:40:32.199 --> 00:40:34.119
If there's that friction point, this is when we begin

830
00:40:34.159 --> 00:40:35.679
the realer and love model again. This is when we

831
00:40:35.719 --> 00:40:38.079
get really curious because there's this judgment and we're going

832
00:40:38.119 --> 00:40:40.039
to go get the tools we need to move through

833
00:40:40.079 --> 00:40:41.639
this and create a new way of being. We're going

834
00:40:41.719 --> 00:40:43.639
to actually start using the tools, and we're going to

835
00:40:43.679 --> 00:40:46.880
celebrate because it's really fun to celebrate that we're evolving together.

836
00:40:47.519 --> 00:40:49.679
We're a team. Oh my gosh, how cool is that?

837
00:40:50.079 --> 00:40:51.360
And it takes two.

838
00:40:51.480 --> 00:40:53.159
And it takes it really does.

839
00:40:53.480 --> 00:40:56.280
Yeah, yeah, it takes to And I think that's important

840
00:40:56.320 --> 00:40:59.480
for folks to understand that it does take too. But also,

841
00:41:00.039 --> 00:41:02.079
and I don't know if you've seen this occur with

842
00:41:02.159 --> 00:41:04.320
the people you've coached and so forth. Have you found

843
00:41:04.320 --> 00:41:07.599
when you work with the one individual and they really

844
00:41:08.159 --> 00:41:11.599
start to experience that self love, and as they start

845
00:41:11.639 --> 00:41:16.159
to learn how to communicate, you find sometimes that their

846
00:41:16.599 --> 00:41:21.960
partner suddenly starts to come along even without doing any

847
00:41:22.000 --> 00:41:22.800
of the coaching.

848
00:41:23.039 --> 00:41:25.239
Yeah, and I know you you asked a question earlier

849
00:41:25.280 --> 00:41:27.920
about like if I start using these communication tools with

850
00:41:28.079 --> 00:41:30.519
my partner, So I didn't really speak into that. But

851
00:41:30.960 --> 00:41:34.559
it's not always. Sometimes people get in partnerships where one

852
00:41:34.559 --> 00:41:37.599
person is really focused on growth and development and this

853
00:41:37.719 --> 00:41:39.239
is important to them, and that a person is so

854
00:41:39.360 --> 00:41:41.599
happy just in life as they are and they don't

855
00:41:41.639 --> 00:41:44.639
need anything more or they don't want anything more, because

856
00:41:44.679 --> 00:41:46.960
it's probably more like they don't want. This can be

857
00:41:47.000 --> 00:41:51.719
a really difficult combination in partnership, super hard. I imagine

858
00:41:51.800 --> 00:41:54.039
like there's somebody driving a Ferrari and is ready to go,

859
00:41:54.119 --> 00:41:56.400
and the other person feels like they're being dragged behind

860
00:41:56.440 --> 00:41:59.760
the Ferrari, and then nobody feels great. We want to

861
00:41:59.800 --> 00:42:03.559
be as a team together, in the driver's seat together,

862
00:42:04.039 --> 00:42:07.760
and so many people just need the invitation to see

863
00:42:07.880 --> 00:42:10.960
what else is possible because their nervous system, their lived

864
00:42:10.960 --> 00:42:14.559
experience hasn't had any evidence yet that we can shift.

865
00:42:14.719 --> 00:42:17.360
So if one person is making that shift, the other

866
00:42:17.400 --> 00:42:19.800
person can see it and see that it's real. It's

867
00:42:19.800 --> 00:42:21.719
not just some hokey thing they saw on a movie

868
00:42:22.000 --> 00:42:25.000
or something that feels so distant. They're like, oh my gosh. Like,

869
00:42:25.400 --> 00:42:28.719
if you're doing this and you're happier, I want to

870
00:42:28.719 --> 00:42:31.960
bite that cake too. Can you share that? And all

871
00:42:31.960 --> 00:42:33.800
of a sudden we have a new thing to talk about,

872
00:42:34.039 --> 00:42:36.440
Especially if you're coming at it from a not a

873
00:42:36.519 --> 00:42:39.800
higher than or a holier than thou standpoint, it's like, no,

874
00:42:39.920 --> 00:42:41.599
this is who I am, and I'm so excited to

875
00:42:41.599 --> 00:42:43.199
share with you. If you want to join me, you're

876
00:42:43.199 --> 00:42:46.960
welcome to that invitation versus a versus a power dynamic.

877
00:42:47.119 --> 00:42:49.199
It's really really beautiful, and I think that's where I

878
00:42:49.199 --> 00:42:51.679
see the biggest shifts of It's okay if you're taking

879
00:42:51.679 --> 00:42:53.760
a step on your own first, and see how they

880
00:42:53.800 --> 00:42:56.159
respond with an invitation for them to try this too,

881
00:42:56.239 --> 00:42:58.400
because it's just going to make life more fun, and

882
00:42:59.280 --> 00:43:02.199
then see what happened, and if they still are not interested,

883
00:43:02.559 --> 00:43:04.360
then there's something else to look at there.

884
00:43:04.760 --> 00:43:07.480
Yeah, then you have to make some other heavy decisions.

885
00:43:07.519 --> 00:43:09.760
But you know, it's interesting and I love what you

886
00:43:09.840 --> 00:43:12.639
talked about. As far as you and your husband, how

887
00:43:12.840 --> 00:43:15.920
you know every one and I don't know how often,

888
00:43:16.000 --> 00:43:18.599
but you said, say, all right, how are we doing what?

889
00:43:19.159 --> 00:43:21.599
You know, the fact that we do evolve, that we change,

890
00:43:21.960 --> 00:43:25.679
and how can we how can we continue to be

891
00:43:25.800 --> 00:43:28.880
together with those changes and work with each other and

892
00:43:29.000 --> 00:43:32.400
understand that? To me, that that is such a key

893
00:43:33.000 --> 00:43:35.280
element to a successful relationship.

894
00:43:35.519 --> 00:43:37.239
Oh yes, I love that.

895
00:43:37.880 --> 00:43:41.360
So as we close, and you know we've talked about you,

896
00:43:41.360 --> 00:43:44.639
you have gotten so much good information that you've shared

897
00:43:44.679 --> 00:43:48.719
with us. What what would be kind of a final

898
00:43:48.800 --> 00:43:51.159
message that you'd like to share with the audience.

899
00:43:52.880 --> 00:43:55.519
I just want to say that it is so possible

900
00:43:56.119 --> 00:43:58.880
for you to learn a whole new way of loving

901
00:43:59.320 --> 00:44:01.800
in a way that is going to set you free.

902
00:44:01.840 --> 00:44:03.800
It's going to create freedom and safety for you to

903
00:44:03.840 --> 00:44:07.239
be authentically yourself and still be loved, and for your

904
00:44:07.280 --> 00:44:10.639
partner to be authentically themselves and still be loved. And

905
00:44:10.679 --> 00:44:14.239
it takes courage and patience to lean into this idea

906
00:44:14.280 --> 00:44:16.000
that you get to be a student again. We get

907
00:44:16.039 --> 00:44:17.880
to you get to learn this thing that you've been

908
00:44:18.199 --> 00:44:20.519
your heart has been creating that you know is possible,

909
00:44:21.000 --> 00:44:22.519
You just need to learn how to do it. So

910
00:44:22.559 --> 00:44:26.559
if you can lean into that and relearn Love everything

911
00:44:26.679 --> 00:44:27.280
is possible.

912
00:44:27.440 --> 00:44:31.159
Oh wonderful, wonderful, And how do the people talk a

913
00:44:31.159 --> 00:44:33.159
little bit about your book again and how do they

914
00:44:33.239 --> 00:44:35.360
find that? And then how do they find you?

915
00:44:35.960 --> 00:44:38.880
Yeah, the easiest thing to do is go to Relearnlove

916
00:44:38.920 --> 00:44:41.440
dot com. That is easiest place you're going to get everything.

917
00:44:41.440 --> 00:44:44.679
You're going to find free masterclasses. You're going to find

918
00:44:44.800 --> 00:44:47.000
paid programs where you can just do it yourself if

919
00:44:47.000 --> 00:44:49.639
you want. You're going to find ways to work with me.

920
00:44:49.719 --> 00:44:52.519
They're in a singles program or private coaching for singles

921
00:44:52.599 --> 00:44:56.320
or people in relationship. You're going to find access to

922
00:44:56.360 --> 00:44:58.960
the book and the audiobook. You're going to see a

923
00:44:59.000 --> 00:45:02.320
link to my ted Talk everything is there, all these podcasts,

924
00:45:02.519 --> 00:45:04.719
podcast will be on there. So we just want to

925
00:45:04.719 --> 00:45:07.559
make it a one step shop of awesome resources. And

926
00:45:08.039 --> 00:45:10.679
you can also go to Instagram which is at coach

927
00:45:10.760 --> 00:45:14.320
Aery Kardosh and you're gonna have lots of wonderful things. Now.

928
00:45:14.360 --> 00:45:17.239
If you sign up for like the free masterclass or anything,

929
00:45:17.280 --> 00:45:19.480
you'll be on my email list. I love to connect

930
00:45:19.480 --> 00:45:22.039
with people. Reach out to me if you have questions

931
00:45:22.119 --> 00:45:24.400
or want any support, Like, I really am here to

932
00:45:24.440 --> 00:45:26.760
make sure that the world gets the resources they need

933
00:45:26.800 --> 00:45:29.000
to relearn love. And I'm just so grateful to be

934
00:45:29.039 --> 00:45:31.360
on this, on this show with you, doctor Doug. Thank you,

935
00:45:31.400 --> 00:45:32.440
thank you, thank you.

936
00:45:32.239 --> 00:45:34.000
Well and I appreciate it. Now, are you able to

937
00:45:34.039 --> 00:45:35.559
go on to Amazon? Also?

938
00:45:35.719 --> 00:45:39.519
Yeah, so the book is on Amazon and Audible.

939
00:45:39.320 --> 00:45:45.280
So and yeah I love Audible me.

940
00:45:45.360 --> 00:45:47.440
Too, So you'll get to hear my voice. I actually

941
00:45:47.480 --> 00:45:50.639
recorded it and my helped me with the other there's

942
00:45:50.840 --> 00:45:52.440
a male voice in the in the book too, so

943
00:45:52.440 --> 00:45:54.159
you get to hear both of our voices on it.

944
00:45:55.119 --> 00:46:00.400
Wonderful. Hey, thank you so much. That is has just

945
00:46:00.440 --> 00:46:01.320
been fantastic.

946
00:46:01.360 --> 00:46:05.280
So yeah, thank you doctor Doug. It's amazing. Have a

947
00:46:05.360 --> 00:46:07.280
great day, and thank you everyone for tuning in.

948
00:46:07.400 --> 00:46:10.559
It means a lot, yes, and thanks folks, and I

949
00:46:10.559 --> 00:46:14.360
hope you'll join us again soon. There's a doctor Doug saying, now,

950
00:46:14.440 --> 00:46:23.000
mis day