Reaching Common Ground

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At the end of the day,
it's not about what you have or even

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what you've accomplished. It's about what
you've done with those accomplishments. It's about

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who you've lifted up, who you've
made better, It's about what you've given

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back. Denzel Washington, Welcome to
Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is to

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elevate the lives of others and to
inspire you to do the same. Frett

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Welcome to the show. Well,
I'm glad to be here. It's kind

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of amazing how I got to write
this book, Reaching Common Ground. And

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as I said, I have one
foot in the attic academic world and one

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foot in the real world. And
sometime around twenty fifteen or thereabouts, I

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said, what's going on? The
world seems to be getting crazier every day.

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And remember now I had been practicing
and teaching conflict resolution now for twenty

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five years, and I started to
wonder what is happening. And so,

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because I have a foot in the
academic world, I went to some of

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my colleagues who teach biology, genetics, evolution, emotion, psychology, personality,

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and they gave me some amazing books
to read. I did a lot

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of research and after about almost six
years of research, I put all the

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thoughts together and I said, now
I understand what's going wrong, and I

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have a theory on how to fix
it. So we can talk about this

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craziness and we can talk about I
think some ways to make things better,

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to make things less polarize, and
get people talking to each other and stop

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confronting each other and learning to listen
to each other and find common ground.

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I'll reach common Ground, which is
the title of the book. Well,

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and you know, it's interesting because
as you look at this, there's all

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sorts of aspects to this. You
start in the early childhood in school,

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and you have this conflict going on
between kids, and then you have this

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also bullying, this going on where
someone will start to bully a child,

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which is something that we may get
into a little bit. But then,

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as you say, as we're looking
about what's going on in the world and

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particularly in the US now, the
anger and everything that's going on that just

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is causing such great conflict, and
we were seeing it all of the time,

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it amazes me as you've been researching
and so forth, I guess the

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question I have is what is the
basic cause of this in your opinion and

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your research, what has started this
out? Because I remember growing up as

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a child, I never I never
experienced this. Now, obviously at that

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time, you know, we didn't
have as much social media, we didn't

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have as much things going on.
The Internet wasn't quite as strong, and

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so forth. And now we're aware
of everything, whether it's true or not.

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We're aware of everything. But the
question is what what based on your

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research, what is the cause of
all of this behavior beginning to come up

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where there's such anger and bitterness against
each other. Okay, there's a lot

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of reasons. It's there's not just
one reason, but there's a many different

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reasons. And what I discovered and
if you people don't think about this,

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but we have genetic differences, every
one of us. We're all genetically different.

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We're similar, but were genetically different, and that's our nature. And

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we also have environmental differences. We
all grow up in different environments and those

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environments, coupled with our genetic differences, make up our personality differences. And

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what we think is what everybody should
think is not actually how it works.

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So if I'm brought up in a
cultural environment that is perhaps I have two

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parents. I've been nurtured in a
particular way, So I think that becomes

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part of my personality and it really
shapes the way I see the world.

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The other thing that really causes a
lot of difference is is we have biases,

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prejudice and stereotyping that goes into this
and these some of these are hidden

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from us. We have these hidden
biases that impact the way we the world.

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And those are some of the real
major differences. Now you might ask

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me, okay, we got all
these differences. We have different genders,

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different skin colors, different sexual orientations. Uh, we have different ways of

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thinking depending on what age we are. When I grew up, I was

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pretty much on my own. I
didn't have helicopter parents. I didn't have

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how shall we say this, I
didn't have I wasn't in a uniform place.

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I was in a diversified place.
I played basketball. Some of the

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kids had dark skin, some of
the kids had light skin. Some of

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the people that were players were women, young young girls. So we all

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shared a common environment and we grew
up that way. And those are the

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things that make us different. And
we think because of the way we've brought

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up and because of our culture environment
that it's the best culture environment without thinking

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that, you know what, maybe
the way to deal with the difference is

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is to learn from each other as
opposed to thinking that we have the answers

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to all the questions. Well,
and you bring up an interesting point,

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this hidden bias, and you know, I think that's probably one of the

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major contributors to all of this conflict
that's going on, just the emotional contact,

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the verbal conflict and so on.
What in your opinion, what in

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your research, and you know,
as a behavioral specialist, what do you

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think has caused that innate bias?
Because that is not something that if we

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were to remove all of what you
were just talking about, all of the

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influences, all of that type of
thing, What, in your opinion causes

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that innate bias that people have,
whether it's skin or as you say,

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sexual orientation, or religion or whatever
that happens to be. Okay, So

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here's what happens, Doug. We
all have confirmation bias, every one of

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us to some extent. And if
you go back to evolution, and I

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did go back and study some evolution, we're tribal, we belong to different

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tribal groups, It's just part of
who we are as humans. It caused

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us, it helped us survive.
Being part of a tribe helped us survive

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to the next generation. And the
confirmation bias that I'm talking about is we

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have a tendency every one of us
does to stretch for information that confirms our

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belief and to ignore things that doesn't. And it's just one of the things

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that is part of who we are. Now. If you are are mindful

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of the confirmation bias that you know
exists, you're in a much better position

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to say, you know what,
I have this confirmation bias. I know

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it exists. I'm not even consciously
aware of it. But if I make

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myself consciously aware of it, I
can then start to look at other possibilities

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and say, you know what,
I think I'm right, But if I

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keep an open mind, I might
actually find out something that is different and

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maybe better in terms of how I
can live my life. We also have

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what they call the in group outgroup
bias, which is part of the tribal

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instinct that we have. So anybody
that belongs to my tribe, the in

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group is better, and we're all
different from each other, but the people

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in the outgroup. The other they're
not as good as we are. They

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have different ideas. Gus us strange. But the thing is the people in

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the outgroup they think the same way
that we do. They have an in

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group and they say, well,
the other is the outgroup. And that's

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one of the things that keeps us
divided. And I think the Internet has

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contributed to that. See, we
didn't have internet when we were growing up,

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so we never had a place to
go that would continue to confirm what

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we already believed instead of looking at
things that well, maybe there's a different

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way to look at it. That's
what the Internet has done. It's given

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a people an opportunity. For example, if you're a Trump fan, you

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can go to many places that will
confirm your belief about Trump. If you're

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a Biden person, the same thing. You can go to a place and

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they'll be talking about Biden and you'll
get that confirmation bias, and the confirmation

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bias. When it's positive, we
can call it the halo effect. And

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if it's a negative, which is
often the case when they're dealing with in

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group UG group, I call it. They call it the demonizing effect.

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So anybody that's not like you is
you demonize, even though to them it's

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the other way around. Well,
and you know, it's interesting. I'm

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on various sites and I enjoyed.
You know, my mind is very analytical,

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and so I love to get in
and look at things, and so

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every once in a while I'll get
on TikTok just because I find it fascinating,

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and there's you know, I follow
some Buddhist monks that I find to

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have some great philosophies and so forth. But every once in a while I'll

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watch this real quick reeal and what
they are saying I know, and I'll

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stop and actually research this out.
They're boldly lying. It is not true.

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There is no truth or essence of
truth to what they are saying.

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And yet here's something that people are
watching and listening to and assuming naturally that

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it's got to be true. And
so here's my question for you. You

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know, you talk about genetic makeup, and that's one thing that that's one

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of the factors that affects our filtering
system. Tell me on your research,

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if you've researched this aspect of it, how does genetics literally affect our bias

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and affect our behavior Okay, this
is kind of interesting because when I first

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heard about it, I said,
this doesn't make any sense that your gene

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should something. I had no problem
understanding environment, the culture you brought up,

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and absolutely no problem thinking about that. But there's a colleague of mind

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who teaches at New York University and
wrote a book about people who lean left

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and people who lean right based on
genetic differences. And I don't know if

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you've heard of the Big five personality
traits, but the first Big five personality

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traits, one is openness, another
one is called consciousness, conscientiousness, another

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one is called extraversion, another one
is agreeableness, and another one is neuroticism.

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And these five personality traits that we
all have in one degree or another

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some of it. As they've done
testing, particularly with twins, have found

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that there's actually a genetic predisposition to
be open, ought to be less open,

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to be very conscientious, to be
less conscientious. Now, it's obviously

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not a one to one regio,
because it's not just simply those genetic predispositions,

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but it's also the environment that you
grow up in that we refer to

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as epigenetic. So it's not just
that you have the personality or the genetic

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trait, it has to be exposed
or it has to be generated by your

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cultural environment. For example, if
you happen to be alcoholic, you have

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to happen to have a genetic predisposition
to be an alcoholic. If you never

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touch a drink of alcohol, you'll
never have a problem. So it's a

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genetic predisposition, but then it's also
triggered by your environment. Okay, so

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I want you to define epigenetics.
Then you'll find me. You'll find me

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asking this a lot because what I
have found is a lot of times as

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listeners are listening, if we start
to use words that they don't understand,

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as you know, they tune out. So as you go on, yeah,

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anyways, you go on. If
you if you use the word that

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I think, you know what,
let's define for the audience going to have

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you and define that. So in
your mind when you're talking about epigenetics,

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what do you mean? Okay,
that's absolutely we've gotta have the audience in

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tune. It means that you have
a genetic predisposition, but it doesn't come

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out unless you're exposed in your environment. So it really too It takes the

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genes coupled with the environment, the
cultural environment you're brought up in, that

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brings it to the fore. So
just think of it as it just doesn't

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happen by itself, but it has
to happen along with your cultural environment.

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For example, if you're brought up
in an Asian culture, you're going to

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have a different outlook, You're going
to have a different way of looking at

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the world than if you are brought
up, for example, in the United

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States or perhaps in an African country, or perhaps in the South American country.

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Now, you take the same person
born in any country you want,

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but if that person is brought up
in an Asian culture, the United States

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culture, South American, that will
be a different That person will be a

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different child, will be a different
adult, will be a different person.

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Okay, And for me, epigenetics
really, you know, and I look

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at this from an interesting perspective.
You know, you see so many children

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that have grown up with alcoholic parents
that become alcohols all you know, struggle

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with alcoholism also. And as you
look at that, what I have anticipated

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and found is that when I think
of epigenetics, I think about as You're

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right, you know, there's the
genetics aspect of it, but there's also

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this tendency towards because of the activity
that has been inbred within an individual that

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then gets passed on to us,
not necessarily as a genetic, but as

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an epigenetic. For instance, you
know, I know that in my family,

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my dad was I think, you
know, growing up probably I think

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his father used to belt occasionally.
And I watched my dad and my mom

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specifically, now I observed it as
an adult that they never they never ever

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spanked us per se. We never
experienced that. And then as I've watched

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my brothers, my sister, and
now with their children and grandchildren and so

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forth, I've noticed that what my
dad and mom were able to do was

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to take that epigenetic situation that they
had experienced and remove it. And now

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as we go down generations, that
has been removed, and that does not

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occur within my family environment. And
as I look at that, I say,

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you know what, in my mind, that is where we have taken

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because we can't change genetics, but
we can change epigenetics. And as you

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say, that may be behavior that
goes on, it could be somewhat environmental

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also, and maybe the environment is
a result of the epigenetics. That's right.

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So you have taken it out because
your environment has created a different person

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and it'll happen to the next generation. Even though you have a gene.

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It's been silence, so to speak. The cultural environment you brought up in

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silence? Is it so it never
gets to express itself in this life,

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which is great, it's yes.
But also, as you say, and

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I think this is important that we
understand this is that sometimes our behavior,

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our thoughts, our belief system,
our ego. And I like the word

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ego because I think it's the ego
that creates a lot of these issues has

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been affected by our environment, and
that becomes, as you say, our

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personality. And when that happens,
all of a sudden, we have to

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prove to ourselves that we're right.
It's very interesting. Is that studied behavioral

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behavioral management also and so on.
What I recognize is that we all have

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to be right. We all have
to be right. And as you say,

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as you have those inner belief systems
that are developed or are you know,

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epigenetically there, we prove ourselves right
only by the behavior that we exhibit.

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Sure, and this is interesting.
We are so sure that we're right,

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that we keep going down that road, and when we discover that we're

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wrong. The only way we can
do that is by listening to other people,

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listening to other viewpoints, and then
saying, you know, I've been

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doing it this way. I've formed
a pattern of behavior based upon all of

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these things that are going on,
and my patent of behavior I form opinions,

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and my opinions are so difficult to
change because they become me. They're

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part of me. It's part of
my ego as you suggest it, it's

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an ego thing, and I can't
somebody attacks my ideas, they attack my

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opinions. They're attacking me, which
is why it's very, very difficult to

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change one's opinion once it's been formed, because you've had this opinion for years,

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sometimes twenty years, because it becomes
almost a sacred value to you,

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and you don't want anybody to attack
your sacred values or your opinions that it

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deeply held. It just that's how
it goes well. And you know,

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I just finished a behavioral analysis with
an individual, and so it reminds me

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again about how often each of us, based on what our personality is and

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our behavioral patterns are we have.
We have tremendous feares and it's interesting to

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see how different personalities have different fears. So, for instance, someone may

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have a fear of criticism, and
when they feel criticism, all of a

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sudden, those emotions are going to
come up and they're going to defend themselves,

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they're going to be angry, they're
going to be hurt whatever that happens

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to me. For others, it's
you know, maybe fear of being abandoned

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emotionally, and so you have all
that type of thing going on. So

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the question then becomes, how do
we first of all, what causes besides

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the epigenetics and you know, what
is causing those fears, What is causing

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those subconscious emotions that bring about our
conscious emotions and our personality that can create

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anger, upsetness in those type of
things. Okay, we as humans are

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emotional animals. In fact, it's
the emotions. If you look at evolution,

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it's the emotions that allowed us to
survive to the present time, to

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have offspring. Three hundred thousand years
ago in the African savannah, those emotions

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saved your life. You were put
in fear. There was the fight or

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flight syndrome. That was essential to
survival because if you didn't react instantaneously to

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a threat, we were not going
to have children to the next generation.

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So those are the kinds of things
that caused us to survive generation after generation

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after generation. So they were essential
for survival if you think about it.

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And today we are not threatened the
way we were threatened when the sayertooth tiger

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was chasing us. But the brain
reacts the same way. So when someone

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insults us, we have the same
reaction as if a tiger is chasing us,

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and we react the same way.
We don't react rationally, react we

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react emotionally, and that creates the
problems because I'll say something that insults me,

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and I'll react emotionally, and pretty
soon you've got an escalation of emotion.

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Now how do you stop it?
Well, the way to do it

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is to be mindful of this and
say, you know what, I'm going

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to count to ten. I'm not
really under a threat. My life is

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not threatened. I'm not being chased
by a saber tooth tiger. Somebody has

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called me a name, somebody has
insulted me, but I don't have to

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accept it. If someone says that
I'm stupid. I don't have to accept

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it. I can count to ten
and I can say instead of being insulted

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and react, I can say thanks
for sharing that opinion, and I can

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move on and have another conversation.
So the way to avoid it is to

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really be aware, to be mindful, and to reflect and say, Okay,

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he said something. If it's true, I might say, well,

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thank you for sharing that with Maybe
I can find a way to make to

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improve myself. And if it's not
true, I don't have to pay attention

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to you. Right, I can't
change a rock by saying you're not a

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rock. And if somebody calls me
something, and the way to avoid bullying

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really is the same thing if it's
a verbal attack on me and not a

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physical attack on me, which it
couse is much different. But somebody if

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verbally attacks me, I have a
choice. I don't have to respond in

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a way that is negative. I
can react in a different way. Well,

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And I like what you talk about
as far as mindfulness because as we

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talk about that, and that's not
necessarily easy to achieve, but I think

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that it becomes a goal that each
of us need to have or hopefully would

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have because when we're mindful, as
you say, you say something to me,

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and quite interestingly, you may say
something to me. I've experienced this

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with my kids. I will say
something to them with a very specific content,

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and occasionally they come back taking it
as a criticism or those type of

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things. I have learned with my
children and with others now that before I

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ever offer an opinion, I asked
the question, is it okay for me

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to offer an opinion or do you
just want me to listen and really not

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respond, And they'll tell me.
And that's made a huge difference. So

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it's interesting though that as we become
mindful and as those emotions come up,

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and recognizing that those emotions are not
necessarily correct emotions. You know what we

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you know, as you say,
we've been influenced by our genetic makeup,

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by our our environment. To be
mindful to see those come up and recognize

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at number one, that's just an
emotion that may or may not be true

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for us. I mean, it
is true for us, but it may

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not be a valid emotion and be
able to put it to the side.

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Number one. But number two,
and this is something that I taught my

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kids through some of their experiences.
You know, when someone is unkind to

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you or says something to you,
it has nothing to do with you.

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It has everything to do with them
and those emotions that they're experiencing that they

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are then expressing in the only way
that they know how correct, which is

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why mindfulness is key. And as
you suggest, it's not easy. But

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the more you are mindful, the
more you practice the skill of being mindful,

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the better you're going to be able
to cope with people when they say

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things that you may consider it to
be offensive. You don't have to take

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it in that way, as you
suggest with your children. Now, one

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of the keys when you have any
communication with another person is active listening skills,

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which we can learn. We can
all learn active listening skills. And

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unfortunately, when we're having communications,
oftentimes we're making judgments instead of listening,

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and we can't really learn anything when
we're not listening. And I like to

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call it learning conversation. So when
I'm having a conversation, I try not

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to judge, I try to learn. I call it a learning conversation.

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Well, and yeah, and so
many times you know you're ready, you're

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ready, You're already formulating your next
response. And not listening because you're just

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you're not listening. And I think
you've hit on a really key thing,

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and I'd like you to maybe expand
on this, this concept of communication not

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only listening, but once you've listened
and heard whatever message they've given you,

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then what do you do in order
to start to develop a relationship of understanding

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and mutual understanding and respect. I
think part of it is to ask open

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ended questions instead of questions that call
for yes and no, to give the

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other person an opportunity to express themselves
without judging. I'm not here to judge

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you. I'm here to learn from
you. So when someone says something,

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instead of attacking or instead of responding, I say, that's very interesting.

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I'd really like to know more.
Could you explain what you mean by that?

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And sometimes you do it by summarizing, sometimes paraphrasing, but always the

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goal is to learn, because if
someone knows that you're listening to learn from

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them, they're going to be more
responsive to you. Nobody likes to be

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judged. Everybody likes to be listened
to. They like to be respected,

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and when you listen to them and
they feel respected, you build trust.

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And when you build trust, you
can have a much more constructive conversation.

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That's part of what it is.
How are we going to teach the population

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of the world today to be able
to learn to do that. You've got

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one quote that I found that I
really love that talks about reaching common ground

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will teach you how to turn confrontation
into dialogue, dialogue into understanding, and

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understanding into the effective resolution of conflicts. And you're right, I mean,

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we all have different opinions, but
the ability to not judge, the ability

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to listen and understand and not make
a judgment but rather respect that that's the

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person's point of view, and I
can respect that. And remember, now,

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Doug, respect doesn't mean agreeing exactly. I disagree, and let me

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explain why I disagree, and then
even after that you can come to an

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agreement to disagree. But you're right, all of a sudden, when we

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talk about communication, you know,
there's so much that goes into that,

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because there's there's number one, as
you say, listening, Number two,

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asking curious type of questions to understand
more, being willing to listen without judgment,

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and then also being able to explain
and communicate. You know what you're

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hearing and is that what you really
meant? Please help me to understand.

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And then when it's all said and
done, eliminate that ego and realize that,

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you know what, Everyone's going to
have their own personal opinion for whatever

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reason. But the point is is
that we don't have to be unkind,

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we don't have to judge, we
don't have to do any of those type

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of things, which I would assume
then starts to resolve some of those conflicts.

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Correct. Now, let me just
I've come up with some when I'm

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in communication, when I'm trying to
help people solve their problems, resolve their

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conflicts. I have traps to avoid
for our listening audience. They should know

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about the traps to avoid. And
you mentioned it earlier when you're dealing with

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your own children. And the first
trap to avoid is the intent impact trap.

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Because it has an impact on you
that's a negative or an adverse impact.

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Don't make the assumption that that was
the intent. Always think about intent

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impact, what's the I know what
you said to me, but I don't

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know what your intent was. I
know what the impact was because I felt

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it, but I don't know what
your intent was. So one of the

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things to think about as a trap
to avoid is the intent impact trap.

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The second I like to call the
judgment assumption trap. And we oftentimes make

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assumptions and then we form judgments from
those assumptions, and we may be way

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off base. We may make an
assumption and then from that form a judgment

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and it may be totally not true. And the only way you can prevent

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or avoid that trap is by the
kind of act of listening, asking questions,

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not making judgments, but learning,
and when you go to a learning

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conversation, you can avoid that judgment
assumption trap. And the last trap that

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I like to talk about to avoid
is the binary trap, the either or

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either you're with me, are you're
against me. Either you support Biden,

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support Trump, either you afar this
policy, or you're against the policy.

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And that's a trap because there are
very oftentimes many different ways to look at

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things. It's not either off,
but there are many different ways, and

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if you think about it, you
can come up with, well, it

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doesn't have to be either off.
I can actually look at find some other

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alternatives. Maybe there's a half a
dozen, maybe there's a dozen, maybe

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there's twenty alternatives that I might be
able to use. So I want to

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get away from that trap, and
then I give tools to use. So

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every time I have this conversation,
the tools to use one very key,

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being open minded. My second tool
that I use in conversations curiosity. I'm

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curious, I truly want to know, I truly want to learn. That's

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my curiosity tool. And finally I
have my empathy. I want to try

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to think about putting myself in the
shoes of the other person. Those three

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tools are very helpful. In fact, when I talk about curiosity, I

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think it was Einstein that said curiosity
is more important than almost anything to have

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a curious mind. That's why he
did so many things and learned so many

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things because he was curious. Well, and that becomes key. So here's

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a question that comes in my mind, and this is something that I have

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asked myself with my podcasts and other
things that I've done in my life.

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You know, as I have personally
reached a point in my life where I'm

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really focusing on trying to make a
difference in other people's lives when I have

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an opportunity, obviously that's what you're
doing. So the question is, how

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do you really change the world.
How do you reach the piece people that

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are so angry, that are you
know, and we're seeing it all the

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time now, how do we reach
them to the point where you know,

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they will actually literally start to become
aware of the issue and become curious enough

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and courageous enough to really do that
introspective work and to learn that communication skills

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and the things that you're talking about. How do we do that to the

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point that we're literally going to make
a difference. We do it by what

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we're doing right now. Were having
a conversation that we're sharing with people that

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are listeners. We do that as
often as we can in as many place

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as we can. Educating our children
to educate their children. That's what the

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process is. The more people that
start to use this process, the more

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we're going to get to a place
where people are going to do it as

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a normal way of doing things,
as opposed to fighting each other, because

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nothing happens when people are in conflict, and conflict isn't necessarily a bad thing,

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because conflict is almost like friction.
You need the little conflicts so people

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can work together. But we can
learn the skills. We realize that it's

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not going to happen overnight. But
if we keep talking about it, if

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we keep teaching it, and people
start realizing it, it's more effective to

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get where we want to get,
to make our lives richer, to make

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our lives fuller. That's what we
have to keep doing. And the more

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we do it, the more people
we teach, they can go on to

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00:36:51.639 --> 00:36:55.519
teach other people the same skills that
we're talking about. Now. Okay,

404
00:36:55.599 --> 00:37:01.280
so you mainly have been working with
adults. I would assume with what you're

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doing. I'm going to ask you
some questions now that go to one of

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the reasons that I actually was focusing
for the last little while. I'm bullying

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is because I have observed that going
on in some of my friends' lives with

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their children. And one of the
things that I've asked different people, and

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00:37:22.079 --> 00:37:28.039
I'm not sure I've totally got a
resolution to this, but I'm a parent,

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00:37:28.719 --> 00:37:31.280
and all of a sudden, I
discover that one of my children are

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00:37:31.320 --> 00:37:39.440
being bullied in school. How do
I handle that and how do I approach

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that in a way that will number
one, help my child to not really

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00:37:47.199 --> 00:37:53.320
experience that, but number two,
to be able to approach the school to

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be able to approach the teacher,
maybe even being able to approach the parents

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00:37:58.760 --> 00:38:01.480
of the child that is bold.
How do we do that in a way

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00:38:01.519 --> 00:38:08.679
that we can literally start to change
that situation That is universal not only in

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the business world, but also in
the schools. I think that as parents

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we have to be really careful about
being overprotective of our children, because if

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you're overprotective, sometimes it creates it
doesn't create resilience, and sometimes if children

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are allowed to deal with conflict at
a very early stage and solve the problems

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themselves. I know when I was
growing up, my parents weren't around all

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the time. I would very oftentimes
go out to play. I'd be in

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the playground with other kids, and
we'd have our disagreements. In fact,

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there were times when we would have
our fights and skirmishes, but we learned

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00:38:58.400 --> 00:39:04.840
how to deal with them at our
level, and it insulated us as we

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get older. And it's sort of
like, you can't there's a difference between

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physical bullying and verbal or emotional bullying. If someone calls you a name and

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00:39:24.320 --> 00:39:30.480
it's a verbal bullying, you say, okay, if it's not true,

429
00:39:30.519 --> 00:39:35.159
then you don't have to really be
concerned about it, we just ignore it.

430
00:39:35.159 --> 00:39:38.400
It's not an easy by any stretch
of the imagination. But I think

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that the more we allow our children
to deal with these issues as opposed to

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jumping in and serving as the helicopter
parent. I think the more resilient we

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make our children, the stronger we
almost inoculate them against being bullied, at

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least verbal bullying. If we explain
to them the things that you and I

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00:40:07.639 --> 00:40:13.760
are not talking about. Okay,
Fred, you're talking from your environment,

436
00:40:14.239 --> 00:40:19.039
You're talking from your growing up and
pattern. Okay. I am aware,

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00:40:19.920 --> 00:40:24.559
totally aware personally of children that have
been bullied to the point that they're ready

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00:40:24.599 --> 00:40:31.320
to commit suicide and no level of
you know, all right, business,

439
00:40:31.360 --> 00:40:35.159
you know, you can just be
strong, you can just learn how to

440
00:40:35.199 --> 00:40:40.079
do this. What do those parents
do when they have a child that is

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00:40:40.159 --> 00:40:45.239
being bullied emotionally, not physically,
but emotionally to the point where it is

442
00:40:45.440 --> 00:40:52.719
literally affecting the well being of that
child. You know, as you direct

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00:40:52.840 --> 00:40:59.599
people from a adult standpoint in business
and so forth, and what you tell

444
00:40:59.639 --> 00:41:04.199
them, how would you how would
you take that and correlate that to talking

445
00:41:04.239 --> 00:41:10.840
to a parent whose child is not
resilient and who is emotionally just really being

446
00:41:10.920 --> 00:41:15.079
bullied to the point that they're they're
getting to a point that we don't even

447
00:41:15.119 --> 00:41:21.360
want to talk about. How do
you how do you advise those parents to

448
00:41:21.519 --> 00:41:31.199
help that child to start to experience
a different experience. It's very difficult once

449
00:41:31.280 --> 00:41:36.559
the child has get to a certain
age. If the child at a very

450
00:41:36.599 --> 00:41:45.880
early age is given put in in
in not serious risky situations, but in

451
00:41:45.920 --> 00:41:52.480
putting risky situations, and learns to
cope. I I know it's a tough,

452
00:41:52.719 --> 00:42:00.760
tough topic. I don't like the
bullying inter of I'm a victory.

453
00:42:00.760 --> 00:42:05.920
You've bullied me, so I'm a
victim, you're a perpetrator, and people

454
00:42:05.960 --> 00:42:08.760
that don't do anything about it are
bystanders. I mean, those are the

455
00:42:08.840 --> 00:42:16.400
three parts of bullying. You've got
the perpetrator who's probably he has been bullied

456
00:42:16.559 --> 00:42:23.960
and has had a terrible upbringing to
be in that situation. Bullies are really

457
00:42:24.199 --> 00:42:29.400
children that have been abused in one
way or another. You don't become a

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00:42:29.400 --> 00:42:36.480
bully unless you've been taught, unless
you've been abused yourself. I agree.

459
00:42:37.360 --> 00:42:44.679
Uh, Now, then you start
to attack the bully, and then he

460
00:42:44.760 --> 00:42:47.440
becomes the perpetrator, and then you've
got the victim, who is the person

461
00:42:47.559 --> 00:42:55.079
being bullied. The trick is too
And there's a there's a colleague of mine,

462
00:42:57.000 --> 00:43:01.559
and maybe you should have a conversation
with my college who has a program

463
00:43:01.639 --> 00:43:09.360
that changes bullies into buddies. He
has an approach which essentially says, Okay,

464
00:43:10.119 --> 00:43:17.119
we are going to teach how to
change bullies into buddies, and I'm

465
00:43:17.159 --> 00:43:21.239
gonna I'll give you the information that
he asked me. Yeah, please have

466
00:43:21.320 --> 00:43:23.400
him connect with me, and that
would be great. He has been doing

467
00:43:23.440 --> 00:43:29.000
this for years and he can explain
it in a way better than I can

468
00:43:29.079 --> 00:43:36.880
explain it, because that's all he
does is teaches children not to consider themselves

469
00:43:36.920 --> 00:43:42.480
to be victims and to teach them
how to be resilient and to take the

470
00:43:42.719 --> 00:43:46.800
person who has been a perpetrator,
who we call bullies or has been labeled

471
00:43:46.880 --> 00:43:53.760
as a bully, to teach the
bully different skills so that he doesn't become

472
00:43:53.800 --> 00:44:00.599
a bully, rather that he learns
new skills. Of course, it's difficult

473
00:44:00.119 --> 00:44:07.360
when you grew up in an environment
where you have been bullied, you've been

474
00:44:07.400 --> 00:44:10.920
abused as a child, it's very
difficult for you to change from that pattern

475
00:44:12.000 --> 00:44:17.079
of behavior to a patent of behavior
where you're going to learn how to work

476
00:44:17.559 --> 00:44:23.519
together with the person you've just bullied. Yes, and you know that can

477
00:44:23.599 --> 00:44:29.079
be a great conversation, So I
would look forward to that connection. So

478
00:44:29.599 --> 00:44:34.159
as Fred, let's go back now
to the original conversation that we had.

479
00:44:35.199 --> 00:44:42.440
We as we're closing, if you
were to come up with a succinct message

480
00:44:42.760 --> 00:44:47.360
that you'd like to share with the
audience in less than a minute, what

481
00:44:47.400 --> 00:44:53.239
would that message be? Okay,
I'm going to give you six mindful remain

482
00:44:53.519 --> 00:45:04.239
reminders. These are things Number one, bias effects our opinions. Emotions impact

483
00:45:04.320 --> 00:45:10.719
our decisions. Everyone. We are
all different and unique. We see things

484
00:45:10.800 --> 00:45:17.679
through our own filtering lens. You
can't change anyone's opinion. And finally,

485
00:45:19.320 --> 00:45:24.639
you choose how to respond if someone
insults you, you can choose how to

486
00:45:24.679 --> 00:45:31.320
respond. Wonderful man, those are
such important messages, Fred, thanks for

487
00:45:31.360 --> 00:45:37.360
being on the show. This has
been a fascinating conversation. Thanks for having

488
00:45:37.400 --> 00:45:43.480
me and I will definitely have him
get in touch with you well, that

489
00:45:43.519 --> 00:45:45.239
would be great. And folks,
thanks for listening. I hope this is

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00:45:45.280 --> 00:45:51.000
make a difference. Fred, how
do they find your book, reaching common

491
00:45:51.039 --> 00:45:53.960
Ground. Reaching common ground, you
can find it wherever books are sold,

492
00:45:54.599 --> 00:46:00.880
Amazon, Barnes and Noble. Anywhere
there are books you'll find common you'll be

493
00:46:00.880 --> 00:46:04.559
able to find each in common ground. Wonderful folks, thanks for listening.

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00:46:04.559 --> 00:46:07.079
I hope you'll join us again soon. It'll make your life better