July 24, 2024

Life Without A Tie

Life Without A Tie

Time for a new adventure. How often do we find ourselves at a point where we really want a change in our lives from the existing circumstances. Ray Martin is someone who has been able to do that and shares the 6 rules of happiness that he discovered...

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Time for a new adventure. How often do we find ourselves at a point where we really want a change in our lives from the existing circumstances. Ray Martin is someone who has been able to do that and shares the 6 rules of happiness that he discovered on his new path. www.lifewithoutatie.com

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This program is designed to provide general information with regards

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to the subject matters covered. This information is given with

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the understanding that neither the hosts, guests, sponsors, or station

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are engaged in rendering any specific and personal medical, financial,

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legal counseling, professional service, or any advice. You should seek

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the services of competent professionals before applying or trying any

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suggested ideas.

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At the end of the day, it's not about what

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you have or even what you've accomplished. It's about what

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you've done with those accomplishments. It's about who you've lifted up,

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who you've made better. It's about what you've given back.

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Denzel Washington, welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is

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to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you.

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To do the same. Ray, welcome to the show.

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Thank you very much for inviting you all today.

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I really have you on now. Let the Fox know

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where you're at. Well.

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I live currently in the UK in a place called Glastonbury,

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which is famous around the world for the music festival

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that happens once a year. But I think that's its

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major claim to fame at least, But it's a lovely little.

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Town, wonderful.

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And you know what fascinated me is I was getting

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to know a little bit more about you. You talk

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about aka the Daily Explorer, and I know you have

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an amazing story and I'd love for you to share

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your story those aha moments, maybe you know, the key

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moments that changed your direction, but ultimately what brought you

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to this point.

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Yeah, it's a great question. I'll give you the short

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version of. If there's anything you particularly want me to

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talk more about, you can let me.

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Know, Okay. Yeah.

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In two thousand and three, two thousand and four, I

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was a businessman living in London. I set up a

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company sort of in the deca previously, and my business

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partner was the woman I was married to, so we

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were a husband and wife management team. And to all

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of my family and friends, you know, i'd been successful

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in their terms, I'd sort of you know, done materially

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very well, achieved success with the business. I'd even been

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crowned Business Leader of the Year by the Daily Telegraph

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in England, so I had a professional recognition and so

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to the outside world, I think I looked on paper

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at least to be an image of success, but behind

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that facade. I wasn't happy or and things weren't working,

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and my marriage was breaking up. And one day my

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ex wife now came back from a meeting said I'm

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leaving you and I'm leaving the company. And it was

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very sudden, quite shocking. And at the same time, my

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father got very ill and he passed away. And so

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within three or four months, the life that I knew

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as normal had just completely you've operated. It was like

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standing in a bomb crater, you know, surrounded by destruction

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on all sides. And as a result of that, you know,

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I was really broken, to be really honestly dug and

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friends of mine suggested to me, I should take a sabbatical,

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you know, just go away for a few months and

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have a reset and reflect on everything that had happened

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and sort of make sense of it and restart. So

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I thought that was a great idea, and I decided

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to minimalize my life. I sold my house in London

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and thought, I'll buy a smaller place when I get

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back from my sabbatical, I'll be gone for six months.

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It won't be very long anyway, to cut a very

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long story short. After six months, I wasn't quite ready

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to come back, because in the last week of that sabbatical,

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I did a passner met such silent meditation retreat in

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a Buddhist monastery, ten days of silent meditation, and that

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just like completely reconfigured my brain and had a big

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reset around that, and I thought, Oh, whatever this is

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I've discovered, I love it. I want to explore it more.

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That I'd never thought about meditation or mindfulness or any

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of those things which are now so common in our language.

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And so I thought, I want to stay a bit

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longer and start to develop my practice around those things

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before I go back. So I stayed a bit longer

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in a place called chang Mai in Thailand, and there

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I made quite a few friends and saw things that

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touched my heart, like an elephant sanctuary that was providing

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a home for rescued elephants. And I went off to

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the Himalayas and organized a picnic for some kids at

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an orphanage in Nepal, and that really touched me, and

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I started to think I wanted to do something to

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support those local projects somehow with fundraising, I didn't know

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what to do, and so I met a guy in

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my travel was who was a marathon runner, and he

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talked about it, and as he spoke about it, gave

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me tingles, and I thought I was nearly fifty, and

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I said, do you think I could run a marathon

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to raise money for these projects? And I could start

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a fundraising organization? He said, yeah, I think so. He said,

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I'll tell you what you know, if you stay in

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chang My for six months, I'll train you how to

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run a marathon. And I said, okay, it's a deal.

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So I did that and raised fifteen thousand dollars and

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ran the New York Marathon in two thousand and nine,

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and I've run four more since then. Anyway, this a

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baticle wasn't six months. It turned into fourteen years that

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I lived out of my backpack, and I returned in

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twenty nineteen to the UK.

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Oh my goodness, I can't even imagine. I have to

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tell you.

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As I've traveled, you know, back and forth around Asia,

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it fascinates me to see so many young people that

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are just you know, they're just living out of their backpack,

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and I'm going, how on earth do you do that?

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I'm saying, there with two or three suitcases, you know,

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making sure I've got everything I need. Uh that and

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particularly at the age. What age were you at when

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that was going on?

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Well, I left, When I left the UK, I was

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forty five. I think I was then, okay, packer that

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I knew, you know, in Asia most of the people

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are half my age, all that, you know, I mean, yeah.

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Yeah, that's fascinating. So anyway, go on. I didn't mean

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to interrupt you.

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No, that's okay, that's okay. I mean, so that's that's

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kind of the short version of the story. But below

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the surface line of the story, you know, all those

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things really changed my thinking so deeply. My thoughts about ownership,

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about status, about purpose, mission, all of these things were

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really shifting a lot. And I I knew I didn't

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want to return to the kind of life I had.

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I absolutely knew that. Whilst I was a competent CEO

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and I was good at that role and I could

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earn money doing it, I knew that I didn't want

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to do something different. I wanted to work one on

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one coaching people and do much more of that kind

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of interacted one on one work. And I kind of

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sort of sense that was where I read my heart

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lied with you and so, and so my journey became

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about really following what I knew as my now know

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as my true path. And I got inspired by a

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book by a lady called Bronnie Ware. I don't know

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if you've heard of her book called The Top Five

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Regrets of the Dying.

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I haven't heard it now.

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It's quite a well read book around the world. And

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she works in a hospice as a nurse, and so

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she has conversations with people in the last days of

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their life pretty much exclusively. That's all she does. So

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she spoke to well over one thousand people who and

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asked them the same question, what do you most regret

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about your life? And they all said the same thing.

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They all said, I wished I'd live my life true

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to myself and not the life that others expected of me.

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And I thought, wow, wow, I want to be living

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from that place, not the place I was living from before.

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And so that changed everything. Ever since then I've lived.

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I still live a very minimal life. I still own

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one bag of clothes with twenty two kilos in it,

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a laptop, very minimal things. I have had to acquire

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a place to live in the UK because I was

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homeless when I came back, So that's pretty much the

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only thing I own is a small house. But I

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you know, I'm very minimalist now compared to how I

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was before.

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Well, and you know, it's fascinating to me two things

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you said number one, and I like it. You know,

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we tend to live our life as impostors, and by

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that it's like, as you say, we're living a life

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that other people expect of us, and it's such a challenge.

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I know that as I've done some behavioral analyses for

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people and talking about the different types of lives that

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we have, one which is, you know, are really who

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we really are, our true self versus our social self

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of who we need to be based on that, it's

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fascinating to me how many people get stuck in that

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expectation life and really don't know how to become their

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true selves.

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Yeah, it's so easily done because the conditioning of society

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is so powerful. It's so surreptitious and unseen and powerful.

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You know, we're basically trained from a very early age

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to be consumers, to fit into a system of governance,

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to be compliant, to not really question authority too much,

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and to follow the rules and behave and get rewarded.

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Cool.

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Yeah, well, I'm fascinated by your silent meditation, and by that,

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I'm assuming that means that it's only breathing meditation. You're

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not listening to music, you're not listening to anything else.

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And I can't even imagine how you do that.

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Now.

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I laugh, because when I was heading to Thailand last

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you know, last fall, Yes, my one of my sons says, Dad,

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you really should go to a monastery and just be

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there for a couple of weeks and do that. And

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I didn't do that, but I started meditating every day

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and I was talking to him one day and it's like,

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you know what, I didn't go. I didn't go to

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the monastery. But bottom line is I feel like I've

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done the same thing just in this culture.

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Yeah, it doesn't matter whether you do it at home

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or in a monastery. The main thing is is that we,

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most of us, really take any time to quieten our thinking,

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the voice in our own head that talks to us

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NonStop about everything, that comments on everything, that judges everything,

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that has beliefs about everything. You know, that's good, that's bad,

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that's right, that's wrong, that's high, that's low, that's black,

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that's white. You know that that all our thinking minds

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do that. And so the purpose of meditation is really

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to find a place of stillness, a quietness. You can't

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stop the mind from making those kind of sounds, but

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you can tune out. You can train where you direct

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your awareness and attention towards other things. What you can

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see here, smell, taste, and touch the senses and to

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what I would call the voice of your inner wisdom,

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your intuition, your gut feeling, your wisest part of yourself,

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which that voice is not audible while we've got the

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noise of our thinking going on because it overrides it.

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And so the whole practice is to train yourself to

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be quiet enough to hear that voice.

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Well. And when you went there, was that the first

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time you've ever meditated?

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First time? Yeah, that was in two thousand and six.

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So I would love for you to share because I'm

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just really curious about this. What was your experience. I mean,

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you started off and I don't know how long you

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meditated each day, but you know, as you went through

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that process, at what point, at what point in time

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did you actually started experiencing something different other than just

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the frustration of I've got to keep my eyes closed

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and so on and so forth.

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Well, it was I've got to be really honest. It

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was quite challenging for me because I'd never been silent

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for more than ten minutes. I mean, no, I did,

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but luckily at the International Dama Center near Suratani where

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I did my first pastner. I've done a couple more since,

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but that first one. They were really fantastic because all

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the participants for foreigners, and they do it for the foreigners,

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you know, mainly, so they're aware that no one's got this,

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you know, physical stamina for this sort of thing. So

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they break up the day into nothing more than about

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ninety minutes to two hour sessions at the most, and

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so the most you're ever sitting cross legged for would

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be ninety minutes for two hours. They'd break up the

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day with some walking meditations, because you can do silent

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walking meditation as well as a sitting. There's a little

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bit of chanting during the day, and they also have

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one hour in the day in their program where they

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have a dharma talk where a monk will actually speak

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out to educate you about some of the Buddhist teachings

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and principles. That was incredibly useful to me because it

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started to open my mind and thinking to why we

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super so much while we have so much anxiety and

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stress in our society and the root of that is.

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And I'd never really seen it so clearly before, before

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I had this teaching from the monks about what they

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call the cycle of craving. Now that leads to anxiety

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and endless wanting and grasping and clinging to things that

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we don't have.

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Well, and two things come to my mind, And I'm

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really curious about this as you as you listen, I've

254
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tried to listen to the monks, but none of them

255
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speak English, so yeah, it doesn't help me at all.

256
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I would assume he spoke English.

257
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Yeah there was.

258
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There were a couple of really Goodlish speakers. There were.

259
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But but you know, one of the things I find

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is there's so much conflict going on right now religiously,

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and and it's just not the major conflict that we

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see over in the Middle East, but but even here

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in the United States, you've got this group against that group,

264
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and so on and so forth. When you listen to

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him speak, did he ever come across as we are

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right and they are wrong type of attitude.

267
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Never, because the teaching is is focused always on what

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goes on inside you, in your you know, within your

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inner world. It's all about your inner world, how you think,

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how you feel, how you how you hold reality inside

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your own mind. It's never about what's outside well.

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And and to me, that's what that's what really attracted

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me to that whole culture was the fact that there

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didn't seem to be adjustment. In fact, I remember as

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I was traveling to what area and I can't remember

276
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which city it was, and I'd love to go to

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take pictures of the temples and so forth. And when

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I went there, there was this other small temple right

279
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next to all these bigger temples, and I'm going, what

280
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is that And they go, well, that's an islam temple.

281
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That's a Muslim temple, and I'm thinking wow. And they

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built that for the people in the community because they

283
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knew there were enough people that would want their own

284
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temple that way. And I thought, how fascinating that there's

285
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this whole culture of being able to accept people for

286
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who they are, the religious beliefs, whatever that happens to

287
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be and not have all of this conflict that seems

288
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to go on.

289
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M Yeah, it's amazing, absolutely amazing. Yeah, I so know.

290
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It was the answer to a question. They don't. The

291
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whole reason and that mindfulness has become so all pervasive

292
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now is because it gives you a chance to know

293
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where you are at any given moment in terms of

294
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what you're feeling and thinking, and observe yourself without judgment,

295
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because that's the critical part of being mindful, This the

296
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non judgmental part of it.

297
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Well, exactly, and how long did it take We're going

298
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back to your meditation experience. How long did it take you,

299
00:16:25.919 --> 00:16:29.440
how many days, how many weeks, whatever, to the point

300
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where you actually started to experience that inner sense of

301
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peace and got rid of all those external faces that

302
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keep coming through your mind and really able to do

303
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that silent meditation in a way that you started to

304
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gain that inner wisdom.

305
00:16:45.120 --> 00:16:47.840
Yeah. Well, I'll give you an answer to that question.

306
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It was pretty much immedia. As soon as the retreat

307
00:16:51.919 --> 00:16:55.840
was over, I felt like if I'd had a round

308
00:16:55.919 --> 00:16:58.000
knob on the side of my head with the volume,

309
00:16:58.639 --> 00:17:00.360
it would like someone had turned it from a ten

310
00:17:00.399 --> 00:17:02.240
out of ten down to maybe a two out of

311
00:17:02.279 --> 00:17:04.680
ten during the ten days I was, so it was

312
00:17:04.720 --> 00:17:08.799
already silent, it was already much quieter when I left.

313
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And then I found that the more I continued my

314
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own practice of sitting meditation every day, the more quietness

315
00:17:16.279 --> 00:17:19.240
remained and the stillness remained. But then if I stopped

316
00:17:19.319 --> 00:17:21.519
practicing for a couple of days or didn't do it,

317
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and always would go up again, and then I need

318
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to do more to bring it back down and be

319
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still again. And so it's one of those things. It's

320
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a bit like physical fitness. You know, if you don't

321
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exercise regularly, you don't go to the gym, you start

322
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to put on way and get a bit out of breath.

323
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And it's kind of similar to me in my experience

324
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of it.

325
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Well.

326
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And you know, you talk about as minimalist lifestyle, and

327
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for me, I have found that fascinating. Obviously I'm not

328
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living a minimalist lifestyle at this point in time, but

329
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what I found was when I was over there, you know,

330
00:17:55.720 --> 00:17:59.319
you find a place to rent, it's very minimalist, there's

331
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no question about it. And as you watch people and

332
00:18:02.920 --> 00:18:05.640
where they live and so forth, it's also minimalist. And

333
00:18:05.680 --> 00:18:08.440
as I was coming back, I was telling my kids,

334
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you know what, I've got to really declutter. I've got

335
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to just get rid of all of this jug that's

336
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at the house. Yeah, what do you find the value

337
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of minimalist living is? And how do people get to

338
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the point where they start to value that type of concept?

339
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And did that come from your experience with Buddhism from

340
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a standpoint of getting rid of that ego and not

341
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wanting all of this stuff, or how did that come about?

342
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How it came about initially was that I lived in

343
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a pretty big property in London when I was married,

344
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had three flaws with all bedrooms awfully furnished, you know,

345
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And so when I got divorced and decided to sell

346
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the house and go away for sabbatical, I thought, what

347
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am I going to do with the stuff in the house.

348
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There's loads of it, you know. So the cost of

349
00:19:03.720 --> 00:19:07.759
storing that per year in a storage unit was high

350
00:19:07.839 --> 00:19:12.240
in London. And I spoke to as many people that

351
00:19:12.240 --> 00:19:14.640
I could find through my network who'd been expats, who'd

352
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lived abroad for four or five years, and ask them

353
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about how they felt about coming back to their stuff,

354
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And virtually everyone I spoke to with almost no exceptions,

355
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had said, do you know what we wish we'd just

356
00:19:25.519 --> 00:19:27.720
got rid of it from the start. We didn't want

357
00:19:27.799 --> 00:19:30.119
most of it when we got back wepent. We spent

358
00:19:30.240 --> 00:19:33.839
tens of thousands of dollars on storage every year. It

359
00:19:33.920 --> 00:19:37.160
was a waste of money. And so I thought, okay, okay,

360
00:19:37.279 --> 00:19:39.440
I'm just going to either sell or give away the

361
00:19:39.480 --> 00:19:42.839
stuff then, because if I need more stuff in the future,

362
00:19:42.839 --> 00:19:46.000
I can get by new stuff. And I don't know

363
00:19:46.000 --> 00:19:48.039
where I'm going to even be wanting to live, so

364
00:19:48.160 --> 00:19:49.720
why would I want to keep it. I might not

365
00:19:49.720 --> 00:19:53.119
even want to live in London anymore. So I decided

366
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to minimalize everything in the beginning before I sold the house,

367
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and so I had three or four months or in ebaying,

368
00:20:02.200 --> 00:20:04.559
circulating the pictures of all the things in the house

369
00:20:04.599 --> 00:20:07.039
to bread and saying as a yard say, oh do

370
00:20:07.079 --> 00:20:08.400
you want to come and get some of this? Do

371
00:20:08.400 --> 00:20:10.599
you want any of these items? You know they're all

372
00:20:10.680 --> 00:20:14.160
up there, all available, And eventually it got rid of

373
00:20:14.160 --> 00:20:16.480
everything and just left myself with the bagger, clothes and

374
00:20:16.480 --> 00:20:20.000
the laptop, and it was it was immensely satisfying. I've

375
00:20:20.000 --> 00:20:23.599
got to say, I've felt so light because I'd reached

376
00:20:23.640 --> 00:20:26.160
the age of forty five, and my whole life had

377
00:20:26.200 --> 00:20:29.160
been about accumulating all that stuff that I just got

378
00:20:29.240 --> 00:20:31.880
rid of, and so now I was having like a

379
00:20:32.160 --> 00:20:37.200
complete experience of restart from zero, but with the wisdom

380
00:20:37.200 --> 00:20:40.200
and experience of my life in the bank and some

381
00:20:40.359 --> 00:20:43.200
money as well as well as wisdom you had to

382
00:20:43.799 --> 00:20:44.880
live from for a while.

383
00:20:46.000 --> 00:20:49.720
Well, you know, you talk about restarting, and I think

384
00:20:49.759 --> 00:20:54.000
about that a lot. How many people go through their

385
00:20:54.039 --> 00:20:59.599
lives with that living the life of someone else's expectations. Yes,

386
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And at what point in time, how are people able

387
00:21:02.720 --> 00:21:06.640
to come to that level of awareness that they actually

388
00:21:06.680 --> 00:21:10.519
realize that's what's going on and then get the courage

389
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to say, you know what, I'm going to go on

390
00:21:13.319 --> 00:21:16.359
a new adventure. I'm going to reset my life and

391
00:21:16.519 --> 00:21:18.839
find an adventure that really is for me.

392
00:21:19.720 --> 00:21:22.799
Yeah. I mean it's a great question. I can't say

393
00:21:22.839 --> 00:21:25.119
I've got a great answer because I don't know how

394
00:21:25.160 --> 00:21:27.599
it works for everyone else, So I only know how

395
00:21:27.599 --> 00:21:31.599
it worked for me. But I would encourage people to really,

396
00:21:32.720 --> 00:21:36.200
you know, go within and trust that in a voice.

397
00:21:36.200 --> 00:21:37.920
I mean, that's one of the big lessons for me

398
00:21:38.920 --> 00:21:43.759
that happened in the shift from being materialistically comfortable, affluent

399
00:21:43.880 --> 00:21:50.960
consumer living in London to being a minimalist, light, nomadic traveler,

400
00:21:51.319 --> 00:21:55.519
you know, being less tied. I started to trust my

401
00:21:55.599 --> 00:22:00.319
intuition massively and not my logical mind anymore, because I

402
00:22:00.400 --> 00:22:02.960
sort of, after a year or two, kind of almost

403
00:22:03.000 --> 00:22:07.480
deprogrammed myself on consumption. I had no compel compulsion to

404
00:22:07.519 --> 00:22:11.599
buy souvenirs or clothes or anything that I didn't essentially

405
00:22:11.640 --> 00:22:14.039
need to carry with me to keep the weight of

406
00:22:14.079 --> 00:22:17.640
my pack down. So I became really just down to

407
00:22:17.680 --> 00:22:20.720
what do I really actually truly need a toothbrush, some

408
00:22:20.799 --> 00:22:24.279
clothes and whatever it was, and a laptop to work

409
00:22:24.359 --> 00:22:30.160
from oran and that habit now it deeply ingrained in me.

410
00:22:30.279 --> 00:22:32.880
So I even though I lived back in the UK

411
00:22:32.960 --> 00:22:35.119
and I live on what looks like a more regular

412
00:22:35.160 --> 00:22:38.160
way of living, I still don't buy anything unless the

413
00:22:38.200 --> 00:22:40.640
item that I currently have for that purpose breaks or

414
00:22:40.680 --> 00:22:44.640
wears out. I just bought a new USB stick yesterday

415
00:22:44.640 --> 00:22:46.960
because the one I had broke, and that's it. That's

416
00:22:46.960 --> 00:22:47.759
one of the first.

417
00:22:47.559 --> 00:22:49.119
Things I bought. In months.

418
00:22:49.839 --> 00:22:52.240
I have been the same T shirts and clothes that

419
00:22:52.279 --> 00:22:56.720
I carried around in my pack so, oh, that.

420
00:22:57.759 --> 00:22:58.880
Is just fasciinating to me.

421
00:22:58.920 --> 00:23:01.680
And you know, as as you were being taught the dharma,

422
00:23:01.759 --> 00:23:03.720
as you know, as you were listening to that from

423
00:23:03.759 --> 00:23:07.640
the monk, did he get into this whole concept of

424
00:23:07.799 --> 00:23:13.359
suffering is cause because of our desires and and you know,

425
00:23:14.039 --> 00:23:16.480
I don't know that I've ever heard them refer to

426
00:23:16.519 --> 00:23:20.759
the ego. I read an interesting book by Ekartol talking

427
00:23:20.759 --> 00:23:23.319
about a New Earth where he talks about how that

428
00:23:23.440 --> 00:23:27.119
ego literally causes us to want this, to want that,

429
00:23:27.200 --> 00:23:31.319
to want this, to want that, to just appear more

430
00:23:31.359 --> 00:23:35.599
successful whatever that happens to be. Uh. I'd love for

431
00:23:35.680 --> 00:23:38.640
your thoughts on that as far as how do we

432
00:23:38.680 --> 00:23:40.920
get to the point where we realize that all of

433
00:23:40.960 --> 00:23:44.359
these things that we want in many respects and in

434
00:23:44.400 --> 00:23:48.079
most respects are just really an effect of that desire,

435
00:23:48.240 --> 00:23:51.039
that ego, and that there's a way to overcome that.

436
00:23:52.119 --> 00:23:55.359
Yeah, it's a really really good question. How I've come

437
00:23:55.400 --> 00:23:58.039
to understand it from all the teachings that I've been

438
00:23:59.000 --> 00:24:02.119
received from from a months over the years, is that

439
00:24:03.799 --> 00:24:08.039
we've all got a kind of a gap inside us.

440
00:24:08.160 --> 00:24:10.799
It's like it's like what Toller refers to as the

441
00:24:10.839 --> 00:24:14.240
pain body in his book. But basically, we're in pain

442
00:24:14.519 --> 00:24:18.319
because we feel our life is missing something, it's not complete.

443
00:24:18.400 --> 00:24:22.960
There's always something not quite right in our life. And

444
00:24:23.680 --> 00:24:27.880
because it's because it actually that that thing that's not

445
00:24:28.000 --> 00:24:31.200
right is within, is inside of us. It's it's it's

446
00:24:31.240 --> 00:24:33.640
coming through what the Buddhists would call ignorance. It's that

447
00:24:33.839 --> 00:24:37.160
just the failure to have the awareness and understanding of

448
00:24:37.160 --> 00:24:41.079
what's going on inside of our system. We think that

449
00:24:41.160 --> 00:24:45.720
we can fix that pain feeling by acquiring something or

450
00:24:45.759 --> 00:24:51.039
somebody or some something happening outside. Like we go, well,

451
00:24:51.039 --> 00:24:53.480
I'll be happy when I've gone shopping and bought some

452
00:24:53.519 --> 00:24:55.960
new clothes that will make me feel better. Or I'll

453
00:24:56.000 --> 00:24:58.319
be a much happier if I get a promotion at work,

454
00:24:58.440 --> 00:25:01.839
or I'll be happy when when the house is decorated

455
00:25:01.880 --> 00:25:06.240
and it looks nicer. Whatever it is, we somehow think

456
00:25:06.400 --> 00:25:09.160
if we do these things outside of ourselves, it will

457
00:25:09.200 --> 00:25:13.720
fix this emptiness inside ourselves. And so we do those

458
00:25:13.759 --> 00:25:17.440
things and then for a few minutes, it does temporarily

459
00:25:18.240 --> 00:25:21.039
address it. That's what they call the monks called it.

460
00:25:21.039 --> 00:25:25.079
You get some cessation of desire for a short period,

461
00:25:26.000 --> 00:25:30.680
But then what happens then is our mind then attributes

462
00:25:30.799 --> 00:25:33.920
our happiness to that thing that we've now consumed or had,

463
00:25:34.680 --> 00:25:38.359
and it says your mind starts saying, well, that's wearing off.

464
00:25:38.440 --> 00:25:40.599
Now what you're going to do when that wears off?

465
00:25:40.759 --> 00:25:43.880
Because the effect that's paring off, you better find something

466
00:25:43.880 --> 00:25:45.799
else to fill the gap that's going to be left

467
00:25:45.799 --> 00:25:48.839
when that thing wears off. And so your mind then

468
00:25:48.880 --> 00:25:51.680
starts focusing on the next thing that you need in

469
00:25:51.799 --> 00:25:54.440
order to build the gap. And that's the cycle, and

470
00:25:54.480 --> 00:25:58.559
it never ends, there's no ending to it. The ending

471
00:25:58.640 --> 00:26:02.720
is when you under a stand it that cycle from

472
00:26:02.759 --> 00:26:06.519
a deep place within yourself and except that that's what's

473
00:26:06.599 --> 00:26:10.759
running in your show, and you decide you don't want

474
00:26:10.759 --> 00:26:12.799
to live out of that cycle anymore. You want to

475
00:26:12.799 --> 00:26:16.240
live in a different way, from a different level of consciousness.

476
00:26:16.960 --> 00:26:20.759
And how as you talk about that deep you know, abyss,

477
00:26:20.799 --> 00:26:24.200
whatever it is within us that is causing that, Yeah,

478
00:26:24.559 --> 00:26:28.000
what has been your experience? Because I assume you've been

479
00:26:28.039 --> 00:26:31.960
able to actually minimize that and you know, I know

480
00:26:32.039 --> 00:26:35.759
it's an ongoing thing, but what were you able to

481
00:26:35.839 --> 00:26:39.599
do to minimize that to where that's not affecting you

482
00:26:39.759 --> 00:26:42.680
as heavily as perhaps it once was, or as it

483
00:26:42.680 --> 00:26:43.720
affects most of us.

484
00:26:44.920 --> 00:26:47.599
Yeah, for me, it's been a journey of a huge

485
00:26:47.640 --> 00:26:51.000
amount of non attachment, the practice of non attachment. Like

486
00:26:52.000 --> 00:26:55.440
I'd like this outcome to happen, but if it doesn't,

487
00:26:55.640 --> 00:27:00.279
I'll still be okay. You know, I'm okay. I'm always okay.

488
00:27:00.319 --> 00:27:03.519
This is an empowering belief. No matter what happens, I'll

489
00:27:03.519 --> 00:27:06.440
always be okay. If this happens, I'll be okay. If

490
00:27:06.440 --> 00:27:09.400
this happens, I'll be okay. So kind of having a

491
00:27:09.440 --> 00:27:14.640
non attachment perspective to what outcomes do come. So, for example,

492
00:27:14.680 --> 00:27:19.799
if I I'm trying to think of a recent example

493
00:27:19.839 --> 00:27:23.519
around that, you know, like I do some associate work

494
00:27:23.559 --> 00:27:26.759
for a company as a coach, and so if they

495
00:27:26.880 --> 00:27:30.440
win a contract and ask me if I'm available to

496
00:27:30.480 --> 00:27:32.400
do the work, I can say, yeah, I would be

497
00:27:32.400 --> 00:27:35.400
available on those dates. They may or may not choose me,

498
00:27:35.440 --> 00:27:37.759
they might choose someone else, and so I have to

499
00:27:37.799 --> 00:27:39.799
be okay if they do choose me or if they

500
00:27:39.799 --> 00:27:44.279
don't choose me. My happiness isn't dependent on them choosing

501
00:27:44.319 --> 00:27:47.039
me to be the person. And if it was, I'd

502
00:27:47.079 --> 00:27:50.759
be really in serious trouble because I'm basically appointing someone

503
00:27:50.799 --> 00:27:53.640
externally to me to run my happiness, you know, and

504
00:27:53.680 --> 00:27:54.880
that's not going to work.

505
00:27:55.880 --> 00:27:57.720
So how do you find your happiness?

506
00:27:58.640 --> 00:28:03.960
So happiness comes through literally non attachment and accepting of

507
00:28:04.319 --> 00:28:07.200
the way that life is flowing at any given moment. So,

508
00:28:07.680 --> 00:28:11.720
you know, I look at I take the view which is, ah,

509
00:28:12.160 --> 00:28:15.240
I didn't get that work. I accept that life is

510
00:28:15.279 --> 00:28:18.640
always guiding me to my highest potential, and I didn't

511
00:28:18.680 --> 00:28:22.480
get that work. So either something better is coming or

512
00:28:23.079 --> 00:28:25.599
life wants me to do something else which is more fulfilling.

513
00:28:27.640 --> 00:28:29.240
That's that's how I deal with it.

514
00:28:29.720 --> 00:28:32.759
And you talk about present time and what I have

515
00:28:32.839 --> 00:28:36.680
found as I've studied you know, the Buddhist culture is

516
00:28:37.039 --> 00:28:40.160
is he really talked about being in the present moment

517
00:28:40.759 --> 00:28:45.519
and forgetting about the past, which obviously causes most of

518
00:28:45.599 --> 00:28:49.799
us a lot of stress, either subconsciously or consciously. Don't

519
00:28:49.799 --> 00:28:53.039
worry about the future, although there has to be some

520
00:28:53.920 --> 00:28:59.039
element of proactivity about the future, but just live the present.

521
00:28:59.119 --> 00:29:01.799
What has been your experience and what did you learn

522
00:29:02.359 --> 00:29:04.000
as you went through that process.

523
00:29:05.400 --> 00:29:08.200
Wow, that's a great question. That is definitely one of

524
00:29:08.240 --> 00:29:12.880
the things that I've benefited from being able to integrate

525
00:29:12.920 --> 00:29:17.039
into my own system because when I was a businessman,

526
00:29:17.839 --> 00:29:22.079
I was so driven by my goals. We're going to

527
00:29:22.119 --> 00:29:24.960
achieve this so I can get to this point in

528
00:29:25.079 --> 00:29:30.119
future and be happy for this financial accomplishment, right, And

529
00:29:30.160 --> 00:29:32.599
so what I was doing was I was so driven.

530
00:29:32.759 --> 00:29:34.640
I mean not in a good way, but I was

531
00:29:34.720 --> 00:29:36.880
kind of pushing all the rest of my life out

532
00:29:36.920 --> 00:29:40.240
to the sides to be focus on the forward momentum

533
00:29:40.279 --> 00:29:44.319
towards this achievement and just really ignoring eighty percent of

534
00:29:44.359 --> 00:29:48.119
my life pushing it to the sides, So missing birthdays,

535
00:29:48.119 --> 00:29:51.799
missing events, not paying attention to key relationships my partner

536
00:29:51.839 --> 00:29:55.119
and my friends, and missing the things that you really

537
00:29:55.160 --> 00:29:58.279
can't buy with money and that are the real source

538
00:29:58.319 --> 00:30:02.680
of connection and the fulfillment and happiness in order to

539
00:30:02.720 --> 00:30:07.519
achieve something material, which I'm with delusional thinking as the

540
00:30:07.519 --> 00:30:10.880
police call, you actually believe that is what's going to

541
00:30:10.880 --> 00:30:13.680
deliver your happiness, But of course it's completely the opposite.

542
00:30:15.680 --> 00:30:18.200
And so I realized that. So without with the new

543
00:30:18.279 --> 00:30:22.359
understanding that I've managed to integrate, I'm now able to

544
00:30:22.799 --> 00:30:26.160
know what's truly valuable. So now I you know, I

545
00:30:26.200 --> 00:30:28.960
want to spend time with my friends, with my family,

546
00:30:29.039 --> 00:30:31.720
with my partner, and I don't want to do some

547
00:30:31.839 --> 00:30:33.799
of the things or be driven in the same way

548
00:30:33.799 --> 00:30:37.359
that I would have been ten fifteen years ago. And

549
00:30:37.400 --> 00:30:39.839
it's nothing's changed on the surface, because I still like

550
00:30:40.759 --> 00:30:43.279
spending money, I still like doing certain things, I like

551
00:30:43.319 --> 00:30:45.759
eating in nice places, et cetera. That those things are

552
00:30:45.839 --> 00:30:49.359
the same, but now I'm just so less attached to

553
00:30:49.400 --> 00:30:53.200
those things. As as a way of deriding being happy.

554
00:30:53.440 --> 00:30:56.119
Now I'm just happy if I go to bed at

555
00:30:56.200 --> 00:30:59.680
night thinking, did I show up in my best self

556
00:30:59.720 --> 00:31:05.359
today with my friends and family? Was I loving, caring, kind, compassion?

557
00:31:05.680 --> 00:31:10.160
Was I was I you know, of service to my community?

558
00:31:10.319 --> 00:31:12.599
And if I can say yes to those things, I

559
00:31:12.920 --> 00:31:17.240
feel deeply happy. It's not about what I own or

560
00:31:17.279 --> 00:31:20.480
how much I've spent or what I've consumed well.

561
00:31:20.519 --> 00:31:24.960
And it's interesting that you can approach purchasing things moving

562
00:31:25.039 --> 00:31:29.680
forward with a different mindset, with that mindset that I

563
00:31:29.680 --> 00:31:33.400
don't need it, but this will make my life more enjoyable.

564
00:31:33.759 --> 00:31:36.839
I'll have more fun today. But if you don't get it,

565
00:31:36.839 --> 00:31:39.519
it just doesn't make that much difference. Now you've written

566
00:31:39.559 --> 00:31:41.960
a book, You've written a book, let the audience know

567
00:31:42.039 --> 00:31:44.640
what your book is, and I know that you have

568
00:31:44.839 --> 00:31:48.000
six rules that you've written in your book about happiness.

569
00:31:48.160 --> 00:31:49.480
I love for you to share those.

570
00:31:49.839 --> 00:31:52.880
Yeah, I will, I will. I must say before I

571
00:31:53.240 --> 00:31:56.160
speak about the book makes me laugh because when I

572
00:31:56.240 --> 00:31:58.079
left in two thousand and five, I was just a

573
00:31:58.160 --> 00:32:02.720
broken guy, you know, try to heal himself from some catastrophe.

574
00:32:02.920 --> 00:32:05.880
I had no interest or intention of writing a book

575
00:32:05.880 --> 00:32:09.519
about the journey. I wasn't an author particularly, But as

576
00:32:09.559 --> 00:32:11.519
I met people, you know, in the monastery and on

577
00:32:11.640 --> 00:32:14.000
my travels and as a fundraiser, and everyone asked me

578
00:32:14.039 --> 00:32:16.599
why I'm doing everything, and I told them the story

579
00:32:16.599 --> 00:32:20.119
of what had happened and more stories about these different things.

580
00:32:20.440 --> 00:32:23.599
They all said to me afterwards, Ray, you know what,

581
00:32:23.759 --> 00:32:25.519
if you ever write a book about that, I'd really

582
00:32:25.519 --> 00:32:27.880
definitely want to read it. Could could you email me

583
00:32:27.920 --> 00:32:28.200
if you.

584
00:32:28.160 --> 00:32:29.920
Do, or something like that.

585
00:32:30.079 --> 00:32:32.039
And I got to about I kept saying, now, I'm

586
00:32:32.079 --> 00:32:33.400
never going to do that. I'm never going to do that.

587
00:32:33.440 --> 00:32:35.400
But I got to about fifty people who had asked

588
00:32:35.400 --> 00:32:38.480
me over three or four years, and then it became

589
00:32:38.480 --> 00:32:42.519
one hundred after five years, and I thought, gosh, I

590
00:32:42.559 --> 00:32:45.279
don't know the universe wants me to write a book. Obviously,

591
00:32:45.319 --> 00:32:48.519
I keep getting asked over and over and so eventually

592
00:32:49.000 --> 00:32:53.000
decided I would write the stories down and put them

593
00:32:53.039 --> 00:32:55.680
into a book. And that's how Life Without a Tie

594
00:32:55.720 --> 00:32:58.079
became born. This is the book.

595
00:32:58.720 --> 00:33:02.640
Okay, out a tie, and the tire is tie.

596
00:33:03.359 --> 00:33:05.279
Yes, it was life without a tie because at the

597
00:33:05.319 --> 00:33:07.799
time I left, I was a tie wearing.

598
00:33:09.200 --> 00:33:09.400
Suit.

599
00:33:09.519 --> 00:33:14.319
But it was also it seemed occurred to me through

600
00:33:14.359 --> 00:33:18.000
this journey that there are four ties that keep all

601
00:33:18.039 --> 00:33:20.680
of us living the life that others expect from us.

602
00:33:21.160 --> 00:33:26.119
And the ties that sort of tie us to society's structure,

603
00:33:26.160 --> 00:33:29.799
which is the tie to our partner or spouse, the

604
00:33:29.880 --> 00:33:33.920
tie to our career, the tie to our home, our

605
00:33:33.960 --> 00:33:38.039
physical home, and the tie to our friends and families.

606
00:33:39.640 --> 00:33:42.279
And those four ties, for me riple were like the

607
00:33:42.319 --> 00:33:45.160
four corners of a tent being pegged to the ground.

608
00:33:46.240 --> 00:33:49.000
And I think if you just people will tell you

609
00:33:49.039 --> 00:33:51.119
if just one of those ties gets removed, like you

610
00:33:51.200 --> 00:33:53.440
break up a relationship where you have a divorce, even

611
00:33:53.480 --> 00:33:56.880
if the other three remain, your life becomes slightly unstable

612
00:33:56.920 --> 00:33:58.960
for a while. If it's two. At the same time,

613
00:33:59.000 --> 00:34:03.440
it's now quite stable free out for It's like almost

614
00:34:03.519 --> 00:34:06.359
keeling over. What happened to me was all four of

615
00:34:06.400 --> 00:34:09.280
those ties got cut in one instance in the sense,

616
00:34:09.880 --> 00:34:12.800
and so I was sort of literally drifting into a

617
00:34:12.920 --> 00:34:15.519
completely new existence, which I had no idea what that

618
00:34:15.559 --> 00:34:18.880
would look like. And so I was really wanting to

619
00:34:19.079 --> 00:34:23.119
really describe the transition from being in a tiede life

620
00:34:23.119 --> 00:34:25.599
to an untied life. Now, my life's a bit more

621
00:34:25.639 --> 00:34:28.000
tied again. I've got a house now, and one or

622
00:34:28.000 --> 00:34:30.800
two things like that. But I went to the other

623
00:34:30.880 --> 00:34:33.840
extreme to see what life being untied would feel like,

624
00:34:33.920 --> 00:34:36.599
would like sound like. And I've so got a direct

625
00:34:36.639 --> 00:34:40.119
experience of that too. And so in the book I wrote,

626
00:34:40.199 --> 00:34:42.519
you know, I wrote as many examples as I could have,

627
00:34:43.000 --> 00:34:46.440
what i'd learned, what wisdom I'd gained, and some of

628
00:34:46.480 --> 00:34:49.719
the things that really struck me that come with that

629
00:34:49.840 --> 00:34:53.079
kind of experience of going through transitions like that.

630
00:34:53.840 --> 00:34:56.079
Well, and you know, you talk about Tyson as you

631
00:34:56.119 --> 00:34:58.440
say you're back in now with you know you've got

632
00:34:58.480 --> 00:35:00.920
your house. I assume you've got a relation and so

633
00:35:00.960 --> 00:35:05.519
on and so forth. And yet there's some advantages just

634
00:35:05.559 --> 00:35:08.760
to move away from that for a bit. So here's

635
00:35:08.800 --> 00:35:13.360
my question, because I think ties are necessary you know,

636
00:35:13.639 --> 00:35:17.039
and how do you get to the point where you

637
00:35:17.119 --> 00:35:20.840
approach those ties in a way that you still are

638
00:35:20.880 --> 00:35:25.440
not living someone else's life, that you're really experiencing your life,

639
00:35:25.599 --> 00:35:30.400
your joy, your happiness, your piece, and still experiencing some

640
00:35:30.480 --> 00:35:34.519
of those ties. How do you mindfully and mentally approach

641
00:35:34.599 --> 00:35:36.960
that in the right way based on your experience?

642
00:35:37.519 --> 00:35:40.360
Yeah, yeah, it's a great question. How it occurs to

643
00:35:40.400 --> 00:35:44.320
me that you do that is you apply some kind

644
00:35:44.360 --> 00:35:47.800
of rules to your life, and so, like the first

645
00:35:47.880 --> 00:35:49.760
rule in the six Rules of Happiness that I wrote

646
00:35:49.760 --> 00:35:54.280
in the book would be build a strong foundation or

647
00:35:54.440 --> 00:35:56.800
core within yourself so that what that would look like

648
00:35:56.840 --> 00:36:02.760
would be you spend time reflecting deeply and using your

649
00:36:03.079 --> 00:36:08.480
imagination and visualization to consider what is my vision for

650
00:36:08.559 --> 00:36:10.559
my life? Where am I actually trying to get to

651
00:36:11.599 --> 00:36:14.320
is What are my values? What are the things that

652
00:36:14.360 --> 00:36:16.840
are most important to me that if I don't feel

653
00:36:16.920 --> 00:36:20.840
every day, I'm not going to feel good about being aligned?

654
00:36:21.480 --> 00:36:24.159
What is my purpose for being here? Why do I

655
00:36:24.199 --> 00:36:27.079
do what I do? Why do I do? Why do

656
00:36:27.159 --> 00:36:29.039
I want to do? X?

657
00:36:29.760 --> 00:36:29.840
So?

658
00:36:30.079 --> 00:36:33.760
Values? Vision? Purpose? When am I in my element? This

659
00:36:33.880 --> 00:36:36.840
is a lovely term that Sir Ken Robinson a teacher

660
00:36:37.519 --> 00:36:40.400
came up with is an amazing man died about a

661
00:36:40.400 --> 00:36:43.400
couple of years ago, and he said, when you've got

662
00:36:43.440 --> 00:36:47.599
your strengths, what you're really naturally good at, and your passions,

663
00:36:47.639 --> 00:36:51.199
what you really care about, and where those two intersect,

664
00:36:51.559 --> 00:36:54.519
you are spending time in your element. You're doing what

665
00:36:54.559 --> 00:36:57.320
you're brilliant at and what you really care about. You said,

666
00:36:58.840 --> 00:37:00.840
people who are in that zone, and let's say, I

667
00:37:00.840 --> 00:37:03.519
don't even ever feel like i have a job. It's

668
00:37:03.559 --> 00:37:07.320
not work, even though I've made my job. I just

669
00:37:07.400 --> 00:37:09.360
love it. You know that they're really in their element,

670
00:37:09.519 --> 00:37:11.719
you know, of course, So how do you get to

671
00:37:11.719 --> 00:37:14.079
spend more time in your element.

672
00:37:14.119 --> 00:37:17.400
Whatever that is? And that's step number one, that's Stubb

673
00:37:17.519 --> 00:37:18.079
number two.

674
00:37:18.719 --> 00:37:22.679
Step number two would be to look at the extent

675
00:37:22.719 --> 00:37:25.960
to which you take full ownership for everything that happens

676
00:37:25.960 --> 00:37:29.679
in your life. Because one of the ways in which

677
00:37:29.840 --> 00:37:33.559
people leak away their power, if you want to put

678
00:37:33.559 --> 00:37:36.159
it in a better phrase, I can't think of one,

679
00:37:36.159 --> 00:37:37.719
but one of the ways that people leak away their

680
00:37:37.719 --> 00:37:44.159
power is through blaming others for what's happened, through waiting, hoping,

681
00:37:44.920 --> 00:37:49.000
making excuses that they can't do certain things, being at

682
00:37:49.000 --> 00:37:52.679
the effect of their limiting beliefs about things. So they're

683
00:37:52.719 --> 00:37:55.440
not taking one hundred percent ownership for what they do,

684
00:37:55.519 --> 00:37:59.920
what they choose, what they want, what they need. They're

685
00:38:00.519 --> 00:38:03.800
they're allowing life to do things to them.

686
00:38:04.239 --> 00:38:10.599
Yes, okay, number three, Wow, okay, So number three I'm

687
00:38:10.599 --> 00:38:12.519
going to have you go through all sex real quick.

688
00:38:12.679 --> 00:38:14.880
Yeah, okay, okay, So number three I'm just going to

689
00:38:14.920 --> 00:38:16.519
make sure I've got them in the right order. From

690
00:38:16.559 --> 00:38:24.159
the book. Number three would be to do with having

691
00:38:25.559 --> 00:38:28.400
becoming your own observer, is what I call it. And

692
00:38:28.440 --> 00:38:31.440
so this is the power, the power that is unique

693
00:38:31.440 --> 00:38:34.239
to human beings because no animals have this ability as

694
00:38:34.239 --> 00:38:38.039
far as I understand, human beings have this amazing ability

695
00:38:38.199 --> 00:38:44.079
through through consciousness to step out of oneself and be

696
00:38:44.280 --> 00:38:47.559
the observer of oneself. Like you and I. We can go, Oh,

697
00:38:47.599 --> 00:38:50.199
do you know what, Doug, I noticed, I'm having a

698
00:38:50.280 --> 00:38:54.440
thought about the weather outside. I noticed that I'm thinking

699
00:38:54.480 --> 00:38:55.159
about the weather.

700
00:38:55.760 --> 00:38:55.920
Yea.

701
00:38:56.400 --> 00:38:59.119
Now that's not me just telling you what the weather is,

702
00:38:59.159 --> 00:39:02.559
because that would me being in the thought. I'm actually

703
00:39:02.559 --> 00:39:06.840
stepping outside to a helicopter view and watching myself thinking

704
00:39:06.880 --> 00:39:11.239
about it. Yes, And what that does is it creates

705
00:39:11.239 --> 00:39:15.519
a separation from what we consider to be us, which

706
00:39:15.559 --> 00:39:19.079
is not really us. We are not the thoughts that

707
00:39:19.119 --> 00:39:23.239
we have. We are the consciousness that is aware of

708
00:39:23.320 --> 00:39:26.920
and noticing those thoughts. We're not the thoughts themselves. And

709
00:39:26.920 --> 00:39:29.719
this is a this is a kind of thinking that's

710
00:39:29.760 --> 00:39:34.440
not made clear when we are very small. We're conditioned

711
00:39:34.440 --> 00:39:37.880
to believe that we are a certain way, we think

712
00:39:37.920 --> 00:39:40.800
a certain way, and that is who we are. It's

713
00:39:40.880 --> 00:39:44.000
one of the most delusional thoughts that we hold as humans,

714
00:39:44.559 --> 00:39:47.320
because that takes away all the power that you have

715
00:39:47.400 --> 00:39:51.320
to choose different thoughts and to hang out with thoughts

716
00:39:51.320 --> 00:39:54.039
that are much more useful and productive in your life

717
00:39:54.079 --> 00:39:55.320
than the ones you do hang out.

718
00:39:55.880 --> 00:39:59.320
And I love that concept of stepping outside yourself and observing.

719
00:39:59.519 --> 00:40:01.400
All right, but that was number what three?

720
00:40:01.639 --> 00:40:02.440
That was number three?

721
00:40:02.519 --> 00:40:02.719
Yeah?

722
00:40:02.880 --> 00:40:08.639
Yeah, And so number four is what I call creating powerful,

723
00:40:08.760 --> 00:40:13.719
purposeful and sustainable relationships, you know. So what I mean

724
00:40:13.760 --> 00:40:17.119
by this is I look back at my life and

725
00:40:17.199 --> 00:40:19.159
all the things that have happened and all the luck

726
00:40:19.280 --> 00:40:22.159
that I've enjoyed where someone's come to me to offer

727
00:40:22.199 --> 00:40:25.320
me something I need without seemingly having a plan, And

728
00:40:25.320 --> 00:40:29.360
I call it luck. Serentipity, but then it's happening because

729
00:40:29.400 --> 00:40:34.800
I've invested in creating really deep connections in all the

730
00:40:34.840 --> 00:40:38.639
relationships I've had. Like a great example was when I

731
00:40:38.719 --> 00:40:40.920
left England in two thousand and five to go on

732
00:40:40.960 --> 00:40:44.760
this journey. I had to sell the company and hoose

733
00:40:44.840 --> 00:40:49.519
the business now, and I had a very young lady

734
00:40:49.559 --> 00:40:51.960
working in my team in her mid twenties who was

735
00:40:52.000 --> 00:40:53.719
going to be I could tell was going to be

736
00:40:53.719 --> 00:40:58.079
a future star, an amazingly bright and intelligent, capable woman,

737
00:40:58.800 --> 00:41:02.000
but young in and beginning her career. But I knew

738
00:41:02.000 --> 00:41:03.920
the right thing. She never asked me to do this,

739
00:41:04.039 --> 00:41:07.639
and I have a value around integrity, and I knew

740
00:41:07.679 --> 00:41:10.440
the right thing for her was to find her a

741
00:41:10.519 --> 00:41:13.639
really good job to move to before I went off

742
00:41:13.679 --> 00:41:15.440
on my travels. I just knew it was the right thing.

743
00:41:15.599 --> 00:41:17.760
She'd been really loyal to me and really helped me.

744
00:41:18.159 --> 00:41:19.239
So I went to her and I said, if I

745
00:41:19.280 --> 00:41:21.880
could help you get another position somewhere else in a

746
00:41:21.920 --> 00:41:24.599
similar company, would you be would you want that, you know,

747
00:41:24.679 --> 00:41:27.000
because I'm really happy to try it, And she said, yeah,

748
00:41:27.000 --> 00:41:29.199
that would be great. So I went to one of

749
00:41:29.199 --> 00:41:32.039
our rivals, a competitor, and I knew the owners. We

750
00:41:32.039 --> 00:41:34.519
were sort of friends, even though we were rivals, and

751
00:41:34.559 --> 00:41:37.559
I told them about this lady and said, she's been

752
00:41:37.559 --> 00:41:40.719
our highest performing person. She's brilliant, so I think she's

753
00:41:40.719 --> 00:41:42.960
got a really bright future, you know. And if you

754
00:41:42.960 --> 00:41:44.960
don't mind me saying I think you'd be crazy not

755
00:41:45.039 --> 00:41:47.320
to hire her, you won't regret it, I promise you.

756
00:41:47.840 --> 00:41:51.320
And so they did. They hired her, and it worked

757
00:41:51.320 --> 00:41:55.039
out brilliantly. They were absolutely thrilled. Obviously, my friend who

758
00:41:55.119 --> 00:41:57.360
got the job was thrilled, but they were also thrilled

759
00:41:57.360 --> 00:42:00.239
with all the value she bought. And she was for

760
00:42:00.280 --> 00:42:02.960
ten years and grew into a woman and became very

761
00:42:03.239 --> 00:42:06.320
astute as a businesswoman and everything. And then I lost

762
00:42:06.360 --> 00:42:09.239
touch with her because I was away for a long time.

763
00:42:09.280 --> 00:42:11.920
But after thirteen years of being away, I had a

764
00:42:11.960 --> 00:42:17.119
reason to call her, and I said to her, you know,

765
00:42:17.239 --> 00:42:19.159
I'm just calling just to see how you're doing. Because

766
00:42:19.159 --> 00:42:22.760
she'd got marriage, she had two kids. Now she now

767
00:42:22.840 --> 00:42:26.199
was in an early forties, a grown woman, and she

768
00:42:26.239 --> 00:42:27.840
told me all about her life and I listened, and

769
00:42:27.880 --> 00:42:30.320
I was sort of deeply happy it worked out there.

770
00:42:31.079 --> 00:42:33.920
And there's a at the end of that conversation. I said, oh,

771
00:42:33.960 --> 00:42:35.400
I forgot to ask you. I said, what are you

772
00:42:35.440 --> 00:42:38.639
doing for work professionally? She said, oh, I've been working

773
00:42:38.679 --> 00:42:40.960
with this company for the last ten years, but it's

774
00:42:41.039 --> 00:42:43.800
now been sold to a much bigger organization and so

775
00:42:43.840 --> 00:42:48.760
I don't want to be involved without any further And

776
00:42:48.840 --> 00:42:52.079
so me and the other lady who founded the company,

777
00:42:52.119 --> 00:42:54.719
we're thinking of building a new business. You know, this

778
00:42:54.760 --> 00:42:57.400
is she described the idea. She told me what it

779
00:42:57.400 --> 00:42:59.960
would do. It was to serve emerging leaders and give

780
00:43:00.079 --> 00:43:03.239
them some coaching support and skills that they would need.

781
00:43:04.400 --> 00:43:06.159
And she described it to me and I just had

782
00:43:06.159 --> 00:43:09.480
this strong resonance throughout my body. She was talking. And

783
00:43:09.760 --> 00:43:11.920
at this time I was living in Poland, in Warsaw,

784
00:43:11.960 --> 00:43:15.000
in Poland, and I knew I could easily fly back

785
00:43:15.039 --> 00:43:17.599
to London and be engaged with that kind of work

786
00:43:17.639 --> 00:43:19.880
if I needed to. I wanted to, So I said

787
00:43:19.920 --> 00:43:22.119
to her, you know, I'd love to be a coach

788
00:43:22.199 --> 00:43:25.199
on the team, if you're putting a team together. And

789
00:43:25.199 --> 00:43:27.159
she said, oh, that would be interesting because I was

790
00:43:27.360 --> 00:43:29.559
you were my boss for ten years and now i'd

791
00:43:29.559 --> 00:43:32.239
be your boss. How would that feel? I said, honestly,

792
00:43:32.280 --> 00:43:34.159
I have no pride about that. I will be fine

793
00:43:34.159 --> 00:43:37.239
with that and she said, okay, I'll bear it in mind.

794
00:43:37.239 --> 00:43:39.400
And then when they launched the company, they called me

795
00:43:39.440 --> 00:43:42.039
and said you're on the team. We want you in

796
00:43:42.079 --> 00:43:45.119
this first cohort in London. And I've been working with

797
00:43:45.159 --> 00:43:47.679
Emma's and associate ever since and I'm now, you know,

798
00:43:48.119 --> 00:43:50.559
an integral part of the team. And I love my

799
00:43:50.719 --> 00:43:53.360
work with that company and they loved having me on

800
00:43:53.400 --> 00:43:55.639
the team. And so it's been that's pure. That's the

801
00:43:55.679 --> 00:43:56.880
sort of stuff I'm talking about.

802
00:43:57.559 --> 00:44:01.440
Well, and then that's wonderful and the other ones.

803
00:44:01.519 --> 00:44:03.599
I want the audience to get your book to find

804
00:44:03.599 --> 00:44:07.679
out what they are, because obviously we're running out of time.

805
00:44:09.079 --> 00:44:12.760
I talk forever, Doug, because yeah, they're all six are

806
00:44:12.800 --> 00:44:14.960
in the book. They're all described in the in the

807
00:44:15.000 --> 00:44:17.119
back in the final chapter of the book, the six.

808
00:44:17.519 --> 00:44:18.760
Yeah, life without a Tire.

809
00:44:18.920 --> 00:44:21.679
So so as you as you think about what your

810
00:44:21.719 --> 00:44:24.679
experience has been and if there was something you could

811
00:44:24.760 --> 00:44:27.719
say to the people that are listening today that might

812
00:44:27.719 --> 00:44:30.679
make a difference in their lives, what would that be.

813
00:44:32.280 --> 00:44:37.679
The one thing I would definitely say is spend time

814
00:44:38.199 --> 00:44:42.639
considering what your path looks like, what your vision of

815
00:44:42.719 --> 00:44:43.679
life looks.

816
00:44:43.440 --> 00:44:43.760
Like for you.

817
00:44:44.119 --> 00:44:46.360
It doesn't need to be the same as anyone else's.

818
00:44:46.840 --> 00:44:49.199
In fact, the more original it is, perhaps even the

819
00:44:49.239 --> 00:44:52.480
more feeling it could be. But that would be my

820
00:44:52.599 --> 00:44:57.360
encouragement because if you can identify that and tap into

821
00:44:57.400 --> 00:44:59.599
what that is, looks like and feels like, and then

822
00:44:59.639 --> 00:45:03.079
start taking the little step by step by step towards

823
00:45:03.119 --> 00:45:09.199
that vision, life just reconfigures itself in a way that

824
00:45:09.280 --> 00:45:12.480
I can never explain, but it will start to bring

825
00:45:12.519 --> 00:45:14.920
to you the people, places and things that you need

826
00:45:15.840 --> 00:45:16.920
to have that manipest.

827
00:45:17.559 --> 00:45:18.880
Oh, and I love that, you know.

828
00:45:19.639 --> 00:45:22.960
I talk about adventure and I talk, you know, to

829
00:45:23.039 --> 00:45:25.760
my kids and to other people saying, you know, life

830
00:45:25.880 --> 00:45:28.760
is an adventure, and it is when you find yourself

831
00:45:29.639 --> 00:45:34.800
not enjoying life, it's time for a new adventure, and particularly,

832
00:45:34.840 --> 00:45:37.000
as you say, one where you really start to do

833
00:45:37.039 --> 00:45:40.960
that introspective work, the meditation, all of those types of things,

834
00:45:41.000 --> 00:45:45.039
because I don't think people understand the reality of what

835
00:45:45.239 --> 00:45:48.000
is inside of them, the goodness that exists there, the

836
00:45:48.119 --> 00:45:51.719
intelligence that exists there, and if they can just tap

837
00:45:51.760 --> 00:45:56.320
into it, they will gain inspiration and guidance from inside.

838
00:45:56.559 --> 00:46:00.440
That is going to make an entirely difference effect in

839
00:46:00.440 --> 00:46:00.960
their lives.

840
00:46:01.159 --> 00:46:04.519
Yeah, exactly, exactly. You've got it. You've nailed it well.

841
00:46:04.760 --> 00:46:07.039
Ray, Hey, thanks so much for being on the show.

842
00:46:07.079 --> 00:46:08.760
I really appreciated that.

843
00:46:08.800 --> 00:46:11.400
This has been great folks. Thanks for listening. I hope

844
00:46:11.440 --> 00:46:13.920
you enjoyed it. Get a hold of that book. I

845
00:46:13.960 --> 00:46:17.559
think you'll find it worthwhile. And your website, what's your website?

846
00:46:18.119 --> 00:46:20.119
Life without a Tie dot com?

847
00:46:20.519 --> 00:46:24.119
Okay, life without a tie dot com. So, folks, thanks,

848
00:46:24.159 --> 00:46:26.320
have a great week. This is a doctor Doug saying,

849
00:46:26.599 --> 00:46:29.719
Noma stay Thanks