Sept. 2, 2024

Helping Your Pre-Teens Navigate Their Lives

Helping Your Pre-Teens Navigate Their Lives

One of the biggest challenges we face a parents is working with those pre-teenagers in helping them to become independent and develop their own identity. And as a parent, you know how tough that can be.
Welcome to Marcus Higgs. Marcus focuses on...

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One of the biggest challenges we face a parents is working with those pre-teenagers in helping them to become independent and develop their own identity. And as a parent, you know how tough that can be.
Welcome to Marcus Higgs. Marcus focuses on working with parents of pre-teens to help them learn how to communicate and understand more fully their children and support them on their personal journey using the “Show Up” formula.

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This program is designed to provide general information with regards

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to the subject matters covered. This information is given with

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the understanding that neither the hosts, guests, sponsors, or station

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are engaged in rendering any specific and personal medical, financial,

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legal counseling, professional service, or any advice. You should seek

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the services of competent professionals before applying or trying any

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suggested ideas.

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At the end of the day, it's not about what

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you have or even what you've accomplished. It's about what

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you've done with those accomplishments. It's about who you've lifted up,

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who you've made better. It's about what you've given back.

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Denzel Washington, welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is

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to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you

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to do the same.

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Marcus, we're welcome to the show.

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It's great to be here.

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Doctor Doug that's okay, yeah, yeah, or Dog that's fright.

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Yeah.

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It's just fascinating to me the backgrounds of how people

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kind of reach the point that they are in their

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lives and what they're doing, and obviously you're doing something

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extremely significant. I'd love for you to share with the

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audience a little bit about who you are and help

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them to understand who you are a little bit of

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your background.

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Okay, Okay, I'll talk about what I do, and then

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I'll talk about how I got here.

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Okay.

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I work with certain future and I support parents of preteens.

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So I support the parents of the preteens ten to

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fourteen years old so they can show up and maintain

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a meaningful relationship with their child during their first identity

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breaking I call it. And we can talk about what

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identity breaking is later, right, right. And I work with

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the parents so that these are parents who know the

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value of doing hard work. And when I say that,

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we were all adolescents, yeah, and we know those formative years.

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But when you're present with your son or daughter through

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those years, you can lay the foundation that will pay

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later on in life. So I use a framework called

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the show up framework, and it's so that they can

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be confident in the communication and they can know how

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to be present when their child starts to withdraw and

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how to support their child so they can develop a

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strong resilience and self belief.

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So how on earth did you get on this.

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Path, oh man? Several different origin stories actually, and I'll just.

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No, please, sure, I'm sure, I'm interested.

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Are you familiar with the termed third culture kid?

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No?

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Okay, so a third culture kid is usually they're different definitions,

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but usually their passport doesn't match the country they grew

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up with or their parents' identity culture. Let's say, so,

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my mom's from the Philippines, my dad's from the Bahamas.

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That's why I live in the Bahamas. And I was

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born in California. I lived here til I was twelve,

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and then I moved to the Bahamas. Studied communication in Alabama,

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journalism straightway, went to South Korea to be a missionary

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English teacher. Stopped being a missionary, no animosity towards a

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church or anything, but world views change. And then but

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loved teaching and I continue teaching. Got my training inside Thailand,

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went and taught at a petrol company in Saudi Arabia.

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Came back to Thailand further than my education. Then went

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to Spain, then did seven years inside Thailand, taught international schools.

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English language arts is what I taught. And then now

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I'm back in the Bahamas with my aging parents, and

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I taught. I taught English, and I remember coming out

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of English class one time and I told my chairperson

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and said, you know what, this feels a lot like therapy,

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And he said, Marcus, that's why it's called the humanities.

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We're teaching them how to be human. And I love communication.

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I love words. Our words create our world. And in

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human development, it's at least during the transition years, that's adolescents,

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when we're entering adolescents, when we're entering young adulthood, in

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our golden years and so on. But it's during those

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formative years that we are asked, you know, who are you,

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and that we really get to form our identity. And

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I've worked with teenagers and pre teens. This is a

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book from my fifth graders. Can't see it on screen,

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all that's okay, that's all right. My fifth and sixth graders.

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Is the Good Vibe book that they gave me. And

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there are a lot of pictures of just stick men

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with afros. I'll shure you're here, just wonderful. I do

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it for them, also, okay, cool, Just you know, I'm

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going to be doing this for the rest of I say,

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rest of my life. But I'm going to serve parents

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because also it's my own upbringing with my father, a

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father who really cared an A type personality, and in

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retrospect there's wisdoms say how he showed up for me,

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and there's gratitude behind it. But then him being the

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adult in the room, like growing up, always knew like dude,

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oh that's not how you do it. But the people

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who know our insecurities versus ourselves and the ones who

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know what best are kids, right. But those are just

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several different ways of how I found myself here. I

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feel uniquely called to this and that's the origin story,

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and I have a vision going forward to Yeah.

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Oh that's fantastic. You know I have I have four children,

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so yeah, I've got four kids, and you know, it's

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it's interesting as you look at as you say the

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pre teenage years, which what age would you put that

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in for preteens for the audience, well, age ten eight,

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ten to fourteen, ten to fourteen.

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And the reason I say that because people develop at

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different stages of life. Everybody's different in the development and

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now with social media, people are actually developing a bit faster.

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But I'd say ten to fourteen.

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Yeah, okay, okay, So here's a question I have for

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you because as I've done some studies. I have seen that,

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you know, between the ages of birth and about eight

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to ten, personalities are created. And many times, you know,

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as the research shows, much of the time, those personalities

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are created by the imprints of the parents, of the religion,

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of the society, of the school, of the teachers, of

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the friends, and all of that. So they get to

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be age eight to ten and you're, you know, you're

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trying to deal with them in a certain manner, and

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they have an entirely different perception of what's going on.

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And sometimes as adults we don't understand that. The other

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challenges is a lot of times their reaction to what

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we would consider just a normal communication, they have a

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huge emotional reaction and it has nothing to do with

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that time of moment. It has everything to do with

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some subconscious imprint that brought up an emotion that now

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they're going to fight back. What are your thoughts on that, Marcus?

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I would say, you're a very intuitive parent, and I'll

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give some You gave a nice skeleton, and I'll add

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some details to help make sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah, So

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let's think about it zero to let's say eight and ten. Huh,

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the world is black and white for them, and that

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it's your worldview. They're believing everything that you say and

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you're telling them adolescence is actually it's a natural part

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of life where they're going to start forming their own

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identity and what happens and you noticed this, that's actually

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skepticism starts to seep in as they start to understand

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their other perspectives in the world. Oftentimes nowadays it's coming

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through media, but used to come through adults inside other

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trustworthy adults inside our communities. They're peers, and as they

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interact with other people that aren't their family group, they

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start to say, oh, no, people look at life differently

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than my parents do. And they haven't learned nuanced yet,

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which comes later on in Life eighteen about But while

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they're they're they're not They're not sure everything you're telling

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them is the truth?

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Right?

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And I say it in ice wool on a wall

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of ice forms and it's ice. These are the challenges

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of preteens or when when they're breaking away into adolescents.

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I is identity breaking?

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Who am I? Right?

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I used to be mom or Dad's like loving son

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or daughter? And what maternal energy does it holds you

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closer says, I love you, You're cared for your secure,

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you're safe, you're seeing. What paternal energy does is it

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pushes a child away, and it says, I love you,

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you're safe, you're secure, you're seeing, you can come back.

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But I need you to be independent. First, you're dependent.

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Now you're independent. The final form actually of human development

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is interdependence. As Jim Rohn says, I will take care

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of me to be in service to you if you

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promise to take care of you to be in service

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to me. Yes, that's the final form. But now they

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need to practice independence of figuring out who you are.

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And that tension creates a whole realistic human being that

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push and pull, But it's that breaking away of which

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they're trying to navigate and trying to figure out their role,

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their identity. The second thing is collaborative mistrusts. They don't

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know who to work with, who's on their team now,

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and they think they're the problem. The third thing, and

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you touched on it, is emotional mismanagement. Emotions tell us

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one our subjective well being, how we're moving towards a

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goal in our lives, and how we're navigating this. This

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is their first time to the rodeo, so they don't

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know how to manage it yet. And in order to

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melt this wall of ice, it's like Angela Duckwood says.

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Duckworth said, from grit, every kid needs one psychological wise

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adult inside their life will show up. And that's where

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I came up with the framework show up framework. But

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to answer your question, that is that is where all

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this pre teen dysregulation comes from.

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Well, and it becomes a real challenge. You know, you

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talk about your dad had I think an a personality.

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You know, if you get into the behavioral analyzes, you've

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got the disc test, the D I, s C and

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so forth. You know, I look at A as a

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D and you know, for me, I'm I'm a high

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D high D. And if you're familiar with those at all,

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but it just means that I have strong opinions and

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I'm willing to speak them out whatever. I don't care

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who if they asked for it or not. And I

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had to learn with my kids very on, and we

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were fortunate that we had some good communication, but I

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had to learn very on, very early on that because

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of my personality, I had to say, all right, kids,

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do you want me to listen or do you want

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my opinion? And that was you know, everybody laughs about

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it now, but the reality is I still have to

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do that. And you know they're from twenty six to

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forty so it just gets to be fascinating.

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Are you from Charles Dujig who wrote The Power of

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Habit Charles Dohig do hig, I'm not no, okay, So

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he just wrote a new book called super Communicators, and

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it just reminded me of He says, you know, there

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are three reasons we enter into purpose we enter into conversation.

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Either it's information exchange, either it's emotional exchange, or it's

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just alo was the third one, Oh, just for like

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social lubrication. That's when we're talking about the weather. And

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oftentimes it's because we're not aware of the purpose of

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the conversation, where like you'll have you of just steamrolling

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of okay, do you want this opinion or do you

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want me just to listen? But it's like knowing your

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role and purpose of the conversation, feeling or reading the room.

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It could save a lot of heartache. Let's say, yeah,

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oh exactly.

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And you know, I think one of the challenges and

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I'll be curious whether you use this or not. One

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of the challenges is to really, you know, we all

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have as adults, we have a purpose and you know,

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some people have it, some don't. But we also have

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specific values, whether or not we're aware of them. They

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definitely do because our behavior and you know run that

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to a large degree. And yet with our children, we

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assume that they have the same values, the same motivators,

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the same you know, personality type and so forth. And

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the reality is is that they are so different. I

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you know, I don't do you ever do any behavioral

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analyses as you start to work with the parents with

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their kids.

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So a lot of my work comes from positive psychology.

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So we're doing via virtues and action because we're starting

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off with the identity of the child. Yes, and so

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we're differnt. So everything that I do stems from virtues

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and values and those actually means something specific virtues. Are

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you familiar with the virtues and action?

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Oh? Please please explain to the audience.

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Well, I was, uh, I can't explain when I explained that.

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But you were making a point before it went off.

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I'm like, let's I'll let you finish your point.

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Welcome. I think my point and like I say, years

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ago I got into this behavioral analysis type of thing

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where and the one that I use now, which I've

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found a few years ago, not only gets into the

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personality you know or they are they extroverts, introverts, right brain,

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left brain combination, so forth, but it also gets into

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their values. It gets into their motivators. And it's not

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something that pegs someone because people can change and this

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can change. But the reality is that helps us to

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know who we are and who the child is and

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understand that all of a sudden, Wow, their motivators, their

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values aren't the same as mine. And when that happens,

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I think for parents, that becomes an extremely difficult situation

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to deal with. And then all of a sudden you

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get all sorts of motivations and emotions and everything else.

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So as you work with your parents, and how do

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you figure out where the values and those things are

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for the kids? And you talked about that, so go

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ahead and explain.

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Yeah, So, as on the show, framework is start with

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strong identity, doing virtues and values. Now what virtues and

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values are? Virtues are twenty four characteristics that are found

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in all cultures all dates or beliefs. It's from ancient

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wisdom all the way to modern science. And these are

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different things like creativity, leadership, gratitude, zest, appreciation of beauty. Now,

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all of these virtues are with you, yet five of

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them are expressed most right and depending on contexts. So

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as those virtues are with you, I encourage people to

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act in those virtues. And also we do virtue spotting,

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like we look for it and we find evidence in examples,

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because what we're trying to do is we're trying to

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solidify an identity in a person. Those are the virtues,

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the values very simply what's important to you, And like

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you were saying, for some parents some things are of value,

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where for the kid it's not a value.

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Yes, and.

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M hm, it's it's worth noting when establishing our identity,

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we have individual identity, it's worth noting. I want to

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hear your input on this family value to say, you know, sorry,

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doctor Doug, your last name gol Brandson.

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That's why I go by That's why I go by

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doctor Doug. No one can pronounce.

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It go Brandson. Okay, So if you say the goal Brandson's,

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people like us do things like this, that's collective identity.

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I don't know if you did that in your home

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or not, but you should.

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You should hear the daughter and laws of my children.

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You should hear my daughter in laws, the why you know,

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the spouses of my children. Yeah, oh, that's just the

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gol Branson's.

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So there was even an identity, even if it wasn't

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intentionally put on. But yeah, right, people like us, so

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so we're we we we try to establish a family

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identity just so that yeah, you're going to break off,

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but you have a place to come back to or

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you know, you're going to do a remix. But as

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long as they have identity here and then trust them

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to form their own identity as they're leaving, that's what

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we try to work on. With the virtues and values.

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Yeah, okay, and you talked about five main virtues that

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are obvious. What can you can you quote those? Yeah? Well,

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at least a few of them, A few of them, sure, sure, sure,

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they're twenty four in total.

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Right when you take the tests, when you take the

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survey for each individual, there are five that are expressed

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most and that can be different variations of them. Okay,

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So for me, mine is gratitude, creativity, fairness, and I

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keep them on my desktop, yeah, just to be aware

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of them. Perspective and perseverance. So whenever I'm faced with

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a challenge or resistance, how might I bring my virtues

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to meet? How might I meet this with my virtues?

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That's my thought, right.

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So, and everybody doesn't have the same virtue. So no,

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when you said there's five, it's not that they are

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five that always show up among everyone. It's just that

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for each individual there are usually about five virtues, whatever

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they happen to be.

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Yeah, And that's the spice of life, right, it's a

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different variety, and that's why lends to our collaboration. Yet,

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hold on, it's worth noting, Doug. How you know it's

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a virtue is that it's always acting towards either the

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individual wellbeing or the collective well being. Okay, because there

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could be a virtue of excess. Just humor is a virtue.

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But like if you're being funny in a moment where

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it's not necessary and it's not adding to well being,

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or if you're too serious so stern and so on

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and not seeing the virtue of humor. So it's either

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excess or a deficiency. You're trying to get it inside

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that mean right in the middle.

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Yes, yes, And you know what I find oftentimes is

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I work with people, you know, you help them to

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understand kind of who they are with these you know, assessments.

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But the fascinating thing is that sometimes you know, sometimes

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sometimes they know they're not perfect. So you know, I

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always say, you know, whatever's true for you is going

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to be true for you. But getting into that virtue

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and getting into that values and recognizing that that is

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something that is the true motivator for an individual. How

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do you help parents to be able to understand those

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preteens from the standpoint of their virtues and their values.

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Do you do an assessment or do you do something

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a little bit different.

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So I used to be a mentor before I became

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a communication coach and a mentor for preteens. That's actually

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why I selected this group. And I would always do

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a via virtues and action survey, and that's just so

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that I could frame the conversation as such. I feel,

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I feel when you frame the conversation like that, it's

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more empowering than oftentimes when doctor Ammon says, our automatic

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negative thoughts Oftentimes you frame things. It's just like you

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know what you're lacking or how you're bad or something.

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Once I did bad, hurd it forever twice. I did

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good hurd it never. But when I'm speaking to you

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and your virtues and I'm asking you, is this the

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type of person you want to be, I'm creating space

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for your for your essence to emerge. And that's the

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root of the word or etymology of parent and education.

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It is bringing forth and that's what we have to

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trust as parents and as educators and caregivers that we

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can create the context to bring forth the beauty that

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is already there.

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Well, when you have a lot of parents and I

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think we're all really this is s degree. I mean,

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we have our personal culture, we have what we were

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brought up with, and obviously we think that's good ideally,

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and so we want to share that with our children.

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And how do you help parents to get over that

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resistance of I'm right and you're wrong number one and

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number two, you're just a child. I know it's best

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for you. How do you help them to get to

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the point where they will sit back, be open, be

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non judgmental, and actually seek out what is that child's virtue.

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You know, what are the virtues? What are their values?

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And then how do you help them to help those

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children to achieve the highest level of those rather than

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that constant pushback of no, this is how you need

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to be.

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I you know, oh boy. First of all, I I

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I would give another perspective in that that resistance is

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needed because our true identity is not expressed until it

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is challenged. And that is said for the parent as

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well as for the child.

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Yeah, yeah, now that's all right, Sorry about all right?

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Here we go in communications, we're taught in all relationships

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there's challenge or there's conflict. Conflict doesn't define the relationship.

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Rather how we manage the conflict does. Yes, yeah, your

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kid is going to push back. You may feel you

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you do have more life experience than your kid, but

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what you're there, You're not there to be right. What

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you're there to do is to one create the space

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for your child to become a whole child, a whole

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for the role that they're living there, a whole adolescent,

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and for two for you to understand more about life.

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Whenever we have a funky feeling. And this is just

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wisdom speaking, but whenever we have a bad feeling anger

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and be jealousy, I'm wanting to control a frustration. It's

395
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never the thing, honestly, it's our relationship with the thing.

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And oftentimes it's linked back to what am I not

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willing to accept? That's a that's a tough pill to swallow,

398
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and I don't know, I want to hear your thoughts

399
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on that.

400
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Is that? What what am I willing to accept about myself.

401
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About the situation, or what am I not? What am

402
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I What am I not willing to accept?

403
00:24:00.160 --> 00:24:04.160
Oh? Yeah, and yeah, I mean setting boundaries is I

404
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think important. But again, what I see happening. I mean,

405
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my experience with my kids was entirely different. I grew

406
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up in a family where we were all very independent.

407
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My dad was My dad worked so hard at the

408
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university that you know, we didn't see him very often.

409
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He told us we had our jobs to do and

410
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so forth, and so we became very independent and my

411
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mom was great. But they really taught us the independence.

412
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So I did the same thing for my kids, and

413
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I told him right off the bat, you know what,

414
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you know, when they got to the preteen years and

415
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almost ten years, it's like, do you have a curfew. No,

416
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but yeah, no, I'm telling this to my kids. Do

417
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you have a curfew? And it's like, I'm not going

418
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to set a major curfew, but I'd appreciate it if

419
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you're home by eleven or by twelve, and if you're

420
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going to be later calling me and let me know

421
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what's going on. And you know what they right now,

422
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they are so independent that it's just fascinating to see

423
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how they literally, you know, do their things. That's kind

424
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of what the daughters in law I'll say, is you know,

425
00:25:13.559 --> 00:25:17.000
you guys are so frigging independent. Well we'll go on

426
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a family trip and everybody goes a different way, you know,

427
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so there's a family then no I'm going to go

428
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to this, I'm gonna go do that. Okay, byey, I

429
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see you later tonight and so forth. So I think

430
00:25:28.440 --> 00:25:31.839
it becomes it becomes a challenge to be able to

431
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get to the point where number one, you become non judgmental.

432
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I think the judgmental attitude really our kids pick it

433
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up as you know, you know, as you talk about communication. Yeah,

434
00:25:46.640 --> 00:25:49.079
the words are what fifteen percent, but now you have

435
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the tonality and you have the body language, which is

436
00:25:52.160 --> 00:25:55.640
even bigger. So I think a lot of times, you know,

437
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working with parents, and as we see parents communicating with

438
00:25:58.920 --> 00:26:02.160
their kids, they may think they're saying the right words,

439
00:26:03.079 --> 00:26:06.359
but in reality, if they have not worked on themselves first,

440
00:26:06.920 --> 00:26:09.759
they're going to come across and the perception from their

441
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children is going to be an entirely different thing than

442
00:26:13.319 --> 00:26:14.720
what the parent thought I was going to be.

443
00:26:15.599 --> 00:26:19.279
Yeah, I always say be mindful of the voice with

444
00:26:19.319 --> 00:26:21.400
which we speak to children, for in time that becomes

445
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a voice with which they speak to themselves. And yeah,

446
00:26:24.839 --> 00:26:26.680
if you hold that tone, if you hold that those

447
00:26:26.680 --> 00:26:32.960
certain words, that's received by them. To touch on a

448
00:26:32.960 --> 00:26:36.359
point you mentioned earlier, you know, each family, each household

449
00:26:36.680 --> 00:26:41.240
does it differently. And I think even even speaking with

450
00:26:41.279 --> 00:26:44.519
you now, knowing how the spaces you create, I can

451
00:26:44.599 --> 00:26:47.880
understand your sons and do you have any daughters. I

452
00:26:47.880 --> 00:26:49.200
don't know, but your child.

453
00:26:49.000 --> 00:26:50.640
One daughter, Yeah, she's twenty six.

454
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They have a space to express themselves, right, I think

455
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when you're speaking about we do need boundaries? Do you

456
00:26:59.839 --> 00:27:06.759
need rules and regulations? Because things grow in boundaries ideally

457
00:27:06.799 --> 00:27:09.880
at the priestein preteen age. And this is not to

458
00:27:09.880 --> 00:27:11.680
say someone did it right or wrong, but ideally at

459
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the preteen age. Yeah, you want them to have a

460
00:27:15.000 --> 00:27:17.559
child voice and child choice, to understand that they have

461
00:27:17.640 --> 00:27:20.039
some say in this and it's not just what I

462
00:27:20.079 --> 00:27:23.920
say is law, you know. So then ideally like they

463
00:27:24.000 --> 00:27:25.640
have some say in it, and you can have a

464
00:27:26.440 --> 00:27:31.359
conversation back and forth again them knowing that their well

465
00:27:31.359 --> 00:27:33.160
being is in mind. The reason we're doing this is

466
00:27:33.200 --> 00:27:33.960
for your well being.

467
00:27:34.599 --> 00:27:39.000
But yeah, well, and again going back to that, how

468
00:27:39.039 --> 00:27:42.720
do you help parents? I'm sure you I'm sure you

469
00:27:42.759 --> 00:27:46.000
meet a variety of different personalities and different editudes and

470
00:27:46.039 --> 00:27:49.200
so forth. How do you help parents to get to

471
00:27:49.240 --> 00:27:53.519
the point where they will approach this from the perspective

472
00:27:53.559 --> 00:27:56.559
that you talk about and do it in a way

473
00:27:56.720 --> 00:28:01.000
that allows them to maybe understand themselves a little bit

474
00:28:01.039 --> 00:28:04.279
more and even you know, just as important as to

475
00:28:04.400 --> 00:28:07.440
understand their child so that they can support their child

476
00:28:07.759 --> 00:28:12.440
rather than try to necessarily misguide them.

477
00:28:13.759 --> 00:28:16.079
Well, I'll tell you this much, and this comes from

478
00:28:16.160 --> 00:28:22.240
Dan Siegel. I'll say this, but then I'll answer the

479
00:28:22.279 --> 00:28:25.440
question you asked. You are you are going to misguide them?

480
00:28:25.440 --> 00:28:27.119
You're not going to be a person, No one's going

481
00:28:27.160 --> 00:28:31.119
to be a perfect parent, right, And that's actually a feature,

482
00:28:31.160 --> 00:28:35.079
not a flaw. I think, Uh, you have to to

483
00:28:35.240 --> 00:28:38.160
mess up the pattern a bit to create a rupture,

484
00:28:38.319 --> 00:28:41.160
to create reconnection. That that's what I think, because that's

485
00:28:41.200 --> 00:28:45.359
what human development is. It's progressive. In order to progress,

486
00:28:45.400 --> 00:28:48.240
there has to be some breaking. Like Ernest Hemingway said,

487
00:28:48.799 --> 00:28:50.640
life breaks us all and some people are made whole

488
00:28:50.640 --> 00:28:53.759
in the broken places. Yeah, so you're not going to

489
00:28:53.759 --> 00:28:58.519
be a perfect parent's let's establish that's true. Yeah, so

490
00:28:58.559 --> 00:29:02.160
how do I help them? In the show up framework,

491
00:29:03.160 --> 00:29:05.000
it looks at human development and the first one is

492
00:29:05.039 --> 00:29:09.799
start with a strong identity, right h hold space for collaboration.

493
00:29:10.960 --> 00:29:12.839
When they have this wall of ice, they don't know

494
00:29:12.839 --> 00:29:15.480
who to trust because oftentimes when they have problems or

495
00:29:15.519 --> 00:29:20.000
experience problems, they think, what's wrong with me? That creates

496
00:29:20.000 --> 00:29:22.480
contention between the parent and the child because oftentimes the

497
00:29:22.519 --> 00:29:24.720
parent is looking at the kid like, why aren't you

498
00:29:24.759 --> 00:29:30.400
meeting my expectations. If a kid's not meeting expectations, it's

499
00:29:30.400 --> 00:29:33.559
only one of two things. Either they don't feel supported

500
00:29:34.720 --> 00:29:36.400
or they don't have the skills to do it.

501
00:29:38.079 --> 00:29:40.160
What about they just choose not to do it because

502
00:29:40.160 --> 00:29:42.319
it's not important to them.

503
00:29:42.559 --> 00:29:48.920
A and you know, that's very valid right in the framework,

504
00:29:49.000 --> 00:29:52.039
because after that you ask them, I'm noticing this as

505
00:29:52.039 --> 00:29:55.519
a challenge, what are your ideas on it? And you're

506
00:29:55.519 --> 00:29:58.480
inviting them into the conversation to give their ideas and

507
00:29:58.519 --> 00:30:00.759
their thoughts on it, because you're absolutely right, it might

508
00:30:00.799 --> 00:30:06.200
not be a value for them. Cleaning their room may

509
00:30:06.240 --> 00:30:10.160
not be the thing that they're interested in at the moment.

510
00:30:11.240 --> 00:30:13.279
Now that opens up the conversation of the parents saying,

511
00:30:13.319 --> 00:30:15.759
you know, this is why it's a value to me,

512
00:30:15.880 --> 00:30:22.559
because again we're looking at well being and we can

513
00:30:22.559 --> 00:30:25.599
only work on one piece to correct at a time.

514
00:30:26.079 --> 00:30:28.000
So maybe having a clean room may not be the

515
00:30:28.039 --> 00:30:31.680
priority at the moment. It might be something else in

516
00:30:31.680 --> 00:30:36.680
regards to sleep, or finishing homework or someone right, right,

517
00:30:36.720 --> 00:30:39.400
but you're right, You're right. It opens up the conversation

518
00:30:39.480 --> 00:30:45.200
to say, let's look at what we value and then

519
00:30:45.559 --> 00:30:50.359
after having the expectations and the regulations set by the parent,

520
00:30:51.599 --> 00:30:55.400
we collaborative with the work on a solution, something that

521
00:30:55.440 --> 00:30:57.319
you can agree upon and that I can agree upon,

522
00:30:57.400 --> 00:31:00.920
and we try it for some time, right, so that

523
00:31:00.960 --> 00:31:03.680
they feel part of the process of saying when their challenges,

524
00:31:04.160 --> 00:31:07.839
I have a voice at it, right, so that's the

525
00:31:07.880 --> 00:31:09.640
age of the show up framework and then always open

526
00:31:09.759 --> 00:31:13.039
up communication in WS, wander and explore the world together.

527
00:31:13.680 --> 00:31:17.880
That means having projects, our personal ones and the ones

528
00:31:17.920 --> 00:31:20.880
that our kids have, Like Angela Duckwort says, doing something

529
00:31:20.920 --> 00:31:24.279
difficult for a long period, because that's teaching them grit,

530
00:31:24.839 --> 00:31:27.759
teaching them how to do hard things, and then teaching

531
00:31:27.799 --> 00:31:32.319
them that. You're showing that you have projects, and they

532
00:31:32.319 --> 00:31:34.920
have projects, and happy people have projects. So you leave amerski,

533
00:31:35.359 --> 00:31:39.200
but you're showing them how to use their virtues and

534
00:31:39.279 --> 00:31:42.119
values to reaffirm their identity doing something they want to

535
00:31:42.160 --> 00:31:44.200
do in the world, and that is that is moving

536
00:31:44.200 --> 00:31:45.000
towards maturity.

537
00:31:45.680 --> 00:31:47.880
Well, and you know, it's so interesting you talk about

538
00:31:47.880 --> 00:31:51.640
that unvailing potential together, you know, wonder and exploring the

539
00:31:51.640 --> 00:31:56.359
world together. What does that do in your I mean,

540
00:31:56.440 --> 00:32:00.279
let's look at the underlying reality of what does that

541
00:32:00.359 --> 00:32:02.880
do when a parent is willing to spend the time

542
00:32:03.599 --> 00:32:07.240
with their child going doing things that hopefully the child enjoys,

543
00:32:07.920 --> 00:32:10.920
and what does that do for the relationship and how

544
00:32:10.920 --> 00:32:13.759
does that help overall for the parent to help that

545
00:32:13.839 --> 00:32:17.200
teenager or that preteen to move forward a little bit better?

546
00:32:19.319 --> 00:32:21.000
Well, if we want to play a long game, Doug,

547
00:32:21.440 --> 00:32:23.039
do you know when people are happiest.

548
00:32:22.640 --> 00:32:25.759
In life, it's a long game.

549
00:32:28.000 --> 00:32:35.559
It is around right after forty fifty sixty when they

550
00:32:35.599 --> 00:32:38.920
still have their health, disposable income, empty nesters in a sense,

551
00:32:39.200 --> 00:32:41.440
so they can still use their money, but they still

552
00:32:41.480 --> 00:32:43.720
have some life of vitality. And the reason I mentioned

553
00:32:43.720 --> 00:32:48.799
that is because they know. It's either they know they

554
00:32:48.960 --> 00:32:53.480
played well and they fed into their kids' life, or

555
00:32:53.480 --> 00:32:58.160
they live with regret, so it actually diverges. And the

556
00:32:58.160 --> 00:33:01.480
reason I mentioned that is because I think what parents want,

557
00:33:01.519 --> 00:33:04.920
those who want to bring forth greatness, You just want

558
00:33:04.920 --> 00:33:09.720
to You want kids who are a contributor to society

559
00:33:09.839 --> 00:33:11.720
to make this a better place. Right, your progeny does

560
00:33:11.759 --> 00:33:16.359
it better than you. Right when you're teaching them about

561
00:33:16.400 --> 00:33:19.559
projects and about how to give back to the community,

562
00:33:19.640 --> 00:33:24.519
you can rest easier in your wise, wise age knowing

563
00:33:24.519 --> 00:33:26.920
that you you showed up for your kid, you did

564
00:33:26.960 --> 00:33:31.200
an honest effort. There that's the long game. In the moment,

565
00:33:33.640 --> 00:33:36.960
it feels good to see yourself achieved. You're making progress

566
00:33:37.079 --> 00:33:43.400
step by step. Yeah, I think that's when you ask me,

567
00:33:43.400 --> 00:33:46.559
what does it do? I think, Yeah, you've seen yourself progressing.

568
00:33:47.000 --> 00:33:50.119
That feels good, Yeah, and I think it develops.

569
00:33:50.119 --> 00:33:53.480
You know when we talk about communication, and in my mind,

570
00:33:54.240 --> 00:33:57.799
the most important thing in raising our children is having

571
00:33:57.839 --> 00:34:01.400
and as your number three is having that and communication.

572
00:34:02.359 --> 00:34:05.240
And if you have that where they literally can come

573
00:34:05.279 --> 00:34:08.079
to you and say, hey, I've got a problem. I

574
00:34:08.119 --> 00:34:10.480
want to talk to you about it. They have to

575
00:34:10.599 --> 00:34:15.480
understand that they can trust that you will listen and

576
00:34:15.599 --> 00:34:18.800
that you will not necessarily judge. You may disagree, but

577
00:34:18.840 --> 00:34:22.400
you won't judge, and then be able to offer them

578
00:34:22.639 --> 00:34:25.519
if they seek it. Some thoughts and some advice about that.

579
00:34:27.360 --> 00:34:29.280
How do you help the parent to get to that point?

580
00:34:29.360 --> 00:34:33.159
I mean we're dealing with we're dealing with parents and

581
00:34:33.480 --> 00:34:37.199
myself included, we have our own emotional junk that we

582
00:34:37.280 --> 00:34:40.400
deal with all of the time. How do you help

583
00:34:40.440 --> 00:34:43.840
the parents to get to that point of being us

584
00:34:44.679 --> 00:34:46.920
so that they can help their child to become the

585
00:34:46.960 --> 00:34:48.280
person they really want to be.

586
00:34:51.800 --> 00:34:53.519
In the show of framework, what I call it as

587
00:34:53.519 --> 00:34:58.079
a trustworthy present parent, because as a kid puts up

588
00:34:58.079 --> 00:35:00.320
their wall of ice, it's the fact that of you

589
00:35:01.159 --> 00:35:04.400
being there ready for when your kid does come from

590
00:35:04.440 --> 00:35:09.039
behind that wall, right and trust is built over time. Yes,

591
00:35:11.079 --> 00:35:12.880
it could be lost in a moment, yet it's built

592
00:35:12.880 --> 00:35:18.880
over time. Now, one tactic I can give you, So

593
00:35:18.920 --> 00:35:21.400
the strategy is to be present and to be someone

594
00:35:21.400 --> 00:35:23.320
you can trust. Now, trust is built on three things.

595
00:35:23.719 --> 00:35:26.559
First of all, you have to be telling the truth. First,

596
00:35:27.440 --> 00:35:31.920
all growth begins with telling the truth. Second, your line

597
00:35:31.920 --> 00:35:36.239
of thinking has to make sense to them right. And

598
00:35:36.280 --> 00:35:38.719
the third is they have to know you care. They

599
00:35:38.760 --> 00:35:40.639
have to know that you're actually working for their well being.

600
00:35:41.239 --> 00:35:45.679
Right now, that said, one tactic, one way you could

601
00:35:45.679 --> 00:35:49.440
do it is the way you communicate with them. I'll

602
00:35:49.440 --> 00:35:50.880
tell you a speaking one and then I'll tell you

603
00:35:50.920 --> 00:35:53.239
a writing one. A speaking one is how do you

604
00:35:53.280 --> 00:35:57.360
pass on your virtues and values without being preachy? If

605
00:35:57.360 --> 00:36:01.960
you see them going through a challenge, tell them a story,

606
00:36:02.320 --> 00:36:06.960
not just any story. Tell them a story that is yours. Ideally,

607
00:36:06.960 --> 00:36:09.199
it's a story that is yours when you're the same age,

608
00:36:09.840 --> 00:36:12.840
identify with them so that it's hey, this is what

609
00:36:12.920 --> 00:36:19.199
I experienced. Now, stories actually happen in three seconds. Story

610
00:36:19.360 --> 00:36:22.039
just means your belief changed, and you give it a meaning.

611
00:36:25.800 --> 00:36:28.159
I have an example, but just looking at a top level,

612
00:36:28.679 --> 00:36:31.840
your beliefs changed. This is what it means to you,

613
00:36:32.920 --> 00:36:35.119
and then you invite them into the conversation, say what

614
00:36:35.159 --> 00:36:38.760
does this mean to you? Because now you're telling them

615
00:36:38.800 --> 00:36:41.119
this is what I believe because of this story that

616
00:36:41.199 --> 00:36:42.639
happened to me, and this is why I hold the

617
00:36:42.719 --> 00:36:47.119
values I do. What are your thoughts? And when they

618
00:36:47.119 --> 00:36:50.400
tell their thoughts, actually make space for them to express themselves.

619
00:36:50.400 --> 00:36:52.760
It's not you arguing with them. They might tell you

620
00:36:52.800 --> 00:36:55.519
something new that you never even thought of, or they

621
00:36:55.599 --> 00:36:57.119
might say, no, I see why you can see it

622
00:36:57.159 --> 00:37:00.360
like that, or I get I understand you more. So

623
00:37:00.360 --> 00:37:02.599
that's one way to share your virsus and values without

624
00:37:02.599 --> 00:37:04.320
being preaching in conversation.

625
00:37:05.000 --> 00:37:07.119
And it really does get down to being open to

626
00:37:07.880 --> 00:37:11.199
know how to communicate and have your own emotions in

627
00:37:11.280 --> 00:37:14.159
control so that you're not judgmental, so you don't get upset,

628
00:37:14.280 --> 00:37:15.960
you don't get angry. Hey dad, this is what I

629
00:37:16.000 --> 00:37:18.000
really believe. This is what I want to do, and

630
00:37:18.039 --> 00:37:21.000
it may be the antithesis of what I wanted to

631
00:37:21.039 --> 00:37:24.840
instill in them, and yet that's who they are, and

632
00:37:24.880 --> 00:37:26.239
that gets to be a challenge.

633
00:37:27.239 --> 00:37:29.360
It gets to be a challenge when you're not accepting

634
00:37:29.719 --> 00:37:31.920
when they're Yeah, when they hold a view that's different

635
00:37:31.920 --> 00:37:32.559
from yours.

636
00:37:32.960 --> 00:37:36.360
Yes, I agree, and I see a lot of I

637
00:37:36.360 --> 00:37:39.119
see a lot of kids, particularly in this area, see

638
00:37:39.159 --> 00:37:41.159
a lot of kids kicked out of their house because

639
00:37:41.199 --> 00:37:45.480
they're not living up to the religious virtues of their parents.

640
00:37:46.840 --> 00:37:50.000
And you know, to me, that's such a challenge, And

641
00:37:50.519 --> 00:37:53.760
I think, how how do we help parents to understand

642
00:37:53.840 --> 00:37:57.440
that each of our children are individuals. Yeah, they were

643
00:37:57.440 --> 00:38:00.599
made up between a man and a woman, But how

644
00:38:00.599 --> 00:38:03.760
do we literally get to the point where we give

645
00:38:03.800 --> 00:38:06.800
them their independence, we give them their strength, and yet

646
00:38:06.880 --> 00:38:12.400
understanding that at that age some wise counsel and you know,

647
00:38:12.800 --> 00:38:14.840
watching out for them is important too.

648
00:38:16.760 --> 00:38:21.920
I wonder if one of the biggest I don't know,

649
00:38:22.079 --> 00:38:24.920
I'm thinking about hearing hearing how you're framing it, and

650
00:38:24.960 --> 00:38:27.519
I'm being familiar with the context of how you're saying it.

651
00:38:29.320 --> 00:38:32.280
If we tell a person they're less than because they

652
00:38:32.320 --> 00:38:36.000
don't believe what we believe, that that for me, that

653
00:38:36.280 --> 00:38:38.039
has inherent judgment, you.

654
00:38:38.000 --> 00:38:43.119
Know, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

655
00:38:42.000 --> 00:38:44.920
The the writing technique I wanted to share with you,

656
00:38:47.280 --> 00:38:50.760
remember where your attention goes, your energy flows. So we

657
00:38:50.840 --> 00:38:53.960
have this one exercise where we're writing a letter and

658
00:38:53.960 --> 00:38:57.599
we're speaking about the virtues that our kids hold, and

659
00:38:57.639 --> 00:39:00.480
we're saying how we are proud of these virtues that

660
00:39:00.519 --> 00:39:04.079
we saw in them, and we're actually just drawing their

661
00:39:04.119 --> 00:39:08.360
awareness to something we saw, so we're again we're owning it.

662
00:39:08.840 --> 00:39:11.480
But it's like, I see this in you, and then

663
00:39:11.519 --> 00:39:16.639
you end a letter with when you're ready or if

664
00:39:16.679 --> 00:39:19.239
you want to bring this letter back to me, and

665
00:39:19.280 --> 00:39:21.599
you will get ten minutes or however minutes you want

666
00:39:21.840 --> 00:39:25.639
of my undivided attention, and I will listen with no judgment.

667
00:39:27.639 --> 00:39:31.320
What you're doing there is you're anchoring a point of

668
00:39:31.360 --> 00:39:35.519
psychological safety whereas they can be themselves authentically without fear

669
00:39:35.519 --> 00:39:39.960
of being hurt or being threatened, and they know that

670
00:39:40.000 --> 00:39:42.880
they're supported when they're ready, and when that moment of

671
00:39:42.880 --> 00:39:45.840
readiness might come, maybe they might use a letter. And

672
00:39:45.880 --> 00:39:48.679
even if they don't use a letter, You've communicated to

673
00:39:48.719 --> 00:39:50.679
them you can always come back to me when you're.

674
00:39:50.519 --> 00:39:54.400
Ready well, And I love that to me. That's kind

675
00:39:54.440 --> 00:39:57.599
of the foundation of how do you start to open

676
00:39:57.679 --> 00:40:00.880
up the communication and give that child enough try in

677
00:40:00.920 --> 00:40:04.039
you that they're really willing to talk. And I think

678
00:40:04.079 --> 00:40:07.039
that's so important. So as we as we come to

679
00:40:07.079 --> 00:40:12.360
a close, what are what would you say A message

680
00:40:12.400 --> 00:40:14.800
would be that you would like to share with parents

681
00:40:15.360 --> 00:40:17.760
that might be meaningful to them as they're doing with

682
00:40:17.800 --> 00:40:19.480
the challenges of pre teenagers.

683
00:40:21.119 --> 00:40:24.159
Oftentimes, what I tell what just came to mind was

684
00:40:24.360 --> 00:40:28.000
I'm here to help you be an integrity with yourself

685
00:40:28.079 --> 00:40:30.239
and like keep your stuff together because your kids are

686
00:40:30.239 --> 00:40:32.880
going to disregulate you. That's why I work with parents

687
00:40:32.880 --> 00:40:33.679
of preteens.

688
00:40:34.039 --> 00:40:34.559
I really do.

689
00:40:34.559 --> 00:40:36.800
Believe there's no greater privilege than to be who you are,

690
00:40:37.400 --> 00:40:40.320
and the duty of privilege is complete integrity. So I

691
00:40:40.360 --> 00:40:41.920
try to help parents be in integrity.

692
00:40:42.559 --> 00:40:48.280
In this parents his parents become integrity, and it shuffles

693
00:40:48.280 --> 00:40:53.079
off out of the kids, doesn't it. Yes, Yes, and.

694
00:40:58.320 --> 00:41:02.599
Have a sincere care for bringing forth what your child

695
00:41:02.679 --> 00:41:05.280
wants to express. But like, let me see how I

696
00:41:05.320 --> 00:41:12.079
can say this sincerely work to their authentic expression and

697
00:41:13.559 --> 00:41:17.079
even if they may go waywardly, what you're asked to

698
00:41:17.079 --> 00:41:19.159
do is to be faith like for you to be

699
00:41:19.199 --> 00:41:23.400
an integrity, to be faithful. And what do I mean

700
00:41:23.440 --> 00:41:30.159
by that? The sun rises and the sunsets. The sun

701
00:41:30.280 --> 00:41:32.760
is the sun, the sun, that's why we call it.

702
00:41:32.679 --> 00:41:37.679
It's faithful, right, right, and we know we can trust

703
00:41:37.920 --> 00:41:40.599
the sun. Some people may curse it, saying that it's

704
00:41:40.599 --> 00:41:43.559
too hot, but it also gives life, it also dries out.

705
00:41:43.639 --> 00:41:46.920
It's just the sun. The sun doesn't argue with anybody else.

706
00:41:47.760 --> 00:41:49.559
The sun is therefore our well being, if we choose

707
00:41:49.559 --> 00:41:53.239
to see it as such. If you're authentically working for

708
00:41:53.280 --> 00:41:59.119
the well being of something else, I think you can

709
00:41:59.280 --> 00:42:03.199
be at peace knowing that you did your part. But

710
00:42:05.199 --> 00:42:07.440
I hear myself saying that, and the well being of

711
00:42:07.480 --> 00:42:10.760
someone else well being looks different. That's subjective.

712
00:42:10.840 --> 00:42:14.679
Yeah, yeah, And the fact that you did your part.

713
00:42:14.840 --> 00:42:18.360
I think that. You know, as I get together with

714
00:42:18.360 --> 00:42:20.199
my kids and every once in a while, all right,

715
00:42:20.400 --> 00:42:23.480
you know what kind of parent was I really? I'm

716
00:42:23.519 --> 00:42:25.760
watching you do this a little bit differently here and

717
00:42:25.760 --> 00:42:29.280
so forth, and we get into some great discussions, and

718
00:42:29.360 --> 00:42:35.280
I recognize those areas where I made mistakes, not consciously

719
00:42:35.880 --> 00:42:38.960
but unconsciously. I made some mistakes that I've been able

720
00:42:39.000 --> 00:42:43.440
to rectify later on, hopefully. But I think the reality

721
00:42:43.599 --> 00:42:47.360
is is that if we can work on ourselves as

722
00:42:47.519 --> 00:42:52.840
parents and do the best we can and recognize that, yes,

723
00:42:52.880 --> 00:42:56.559
we're going to make mistakes, and forgive ourselves when we

724
00:42:56.599 --> 00:42:58.920
can do that, with us, then we can do that

725
00:42:58.960 --> 00:42:59.840
with our preteens.

726
00:43:00.679 --> 00:43:04.400
Yeah, Doug, you actually made by point that is so right.

727
00:43:04.519 --> 00:43:08.039
Whenever there's a rupture, work towards repair and reconnection.

728
00:43:09.199 --> 00:43:12.559
Yeah. Yeah, Hey, I really appreciate you being on the show.

729
00:43:12.599 --> 00:43:13.639
This is fascinating.

730
00:43:15.320 --> 00:43:17.239
Thank you. I had a wonderful time.

731
00:43:17.920 --> 00:43:19.599
How do how do people find you?

732
00:43:20.719 --> 00:43:25.159
Marcus Higgs dot com. That's my website on LinkedIn is

733
00:43:25.199 --> 00:43:28.039
actually where you'll find me posting on social media. I

734
00:43:28.039 --> 00:43:32.079
have workshops coming up there. But yeah, connect with me

735
00:43:32.159 --> 00:43:32.719
on LinkedIn.

736
00:43:33.559 --> 00:43:35.760
Okay. Nice Marcus m A R C U S and

737
00:43:35.760 --> 00:43:41.039
then Higgs h I G G S correct. Perfect. Marcus,

738
00:43:41.079 --> 00:43:43.320
thanks so much for being on the show. This has

739
00:43:43.360 --> 00:43:49.400
been fantastic. I really appreciate it. Thanks Dick, you bet folks,

740
00:43:49.400 --> 00:43:51.480
thanks for listening. I hope you'll have a wonderful week.

741
00:43:51.519 --> 00:43:54.440
I hope there's something that's been said here that might

742
00:43:54.480 --> 00:43:56.400
make a difference in your life if you're willing to

743
00:43:56.440 --> 00:43:58.960
really look at it and check it out. So this

744
00:43:59.039 --> 00:44:11.679
is doctor Doug saying nomstaeh