Heal Your Marriage

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0:44 Denzel Washington, welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you to do the same. Tammy, Welcome to the show. Ah, so happy to be here. Doctor Doug. Well, it was great to have you on this show. This this is going to be fascinating. Of course, we've had some conversation before we started this, so that's been fascinating and I'm looking forward to this. What I'd love for you to do is share with the audience who you are and what is your journey that brought you to this point of doing what you're doing. Okay, So I am Tammy Cox. I help women save their marriage from divorce, whether or not their husbands are on board, by healing the wounds caused by childhood trauma.

1:32 And my story is I grew up in a home with tons of trauma. I grew up with my dad was you know, abusive, controlling. A lot of the religious trauma. You know how I told you I come from a very religious background, but it was religion with tons of control, like you can't do this, put us in a bubble, you know. And fast forward when I was eleven, my father ended up dying of AIDS and I all of a sudden was privy to a whole mysterious side I had no idea about. So basically I spent my teen years very very angry, very very I was filled with rage, really at with unforgiveness like you name it. So by the time I was nineteen, I was on a downward spiral and it was one of the first times I was severely depressed and suicidal. And I made a decision at nineteen and then again, you know, when I had another severe depression. When I was twenty nine ish, I made a decision that I was either going to take my life or I was going to heal. And so

3:03 when I was nineteen was the start of my journey. But then I ended up going like this, you know how we go on our journey, up down, up down up doown? Well, when I became a wife and when I became a mom, all my triggers started going off. All that stuff that I thought was way in the past, that was in my childhood is started rising up within me. And so I didn't know what to do with myself. I went through all the books. I went through religion, prayer, therapy, like you name it, retreats, I did it, and nothing worked until I really started doing the trauma work. And that was that was when I started digging into my trauma.

3:50 And once I did that, I completely transformed. Oh, by the way, my marriage was terrible, like terrible. So once I healed and transformed, my marriage transformed, my family unit transformed. And that's when I was like this is like, this is it, this is what I've been searching for, and so obviously I want to help myself. Like so I help women who are in the same position that I was in, where all their traumas are coming up. They have no idea what's going on. They've tried all the things and nothing has worked. And they think it's their husband, but it's not. It's them. It's him too, but it's them.

4:37 And yeah, so that's who I serve and that's what I love to do well. And you know, it's fascinating as you talk about different causes for those limiting beliefs and how do they affect now. And we're going to talk about women because that's your main focus, but obviously this is totally relevant them into It's just that they don't have quite the right brain to get in and really do the work as hard as women do. But how how do you find well, first of all, I want to go back, and this is a very delicate subject, is the suicide. But I would like for you to share with the audience how what was it that allowed you to move away from that process and move into a different mindset in a different life. I just lost I just lost a nephew to suicide and and it's it is so difficult to understand.

5:41 And you know, here in Utah where I'm at a huge suicide rate, and it's like, how do we help these young people or you know, twenty year old or whatever you want to call them. How do we help them to recognize if they're in that depressed type of state, how can they break away from that rather than just thinking that everything is hopeless. Well, they first have to understand that you are not just this. You're not just a body. One day you're going to shed this body and you will never not be you. Right, So you have to give them this understanding. And I believe that probably that's happening in Utah because it's so religious and we're moving away from religion because religion has added a bunch of shame. Right, that's what I grew up with, so much shame. You're not this thing.

6:32 Look this list of rules. You're not adding up to this list of rules. What are you doing? And so it's like these shame tapes that are going off in our head when you talk about the limiting beliefs, it's all the shame that's like, you're not this right. And so we got to teach like religion is missing some major major holes within our divinity as human beings. We are not just a body and if we see ourself as a body, then it's like, oh, I better take myself out of this. You know. Like one thing that I really work on with my clients is their thought patterns, and the Bible talks about this.

7:14 In fact, I use a lot of the Bible. I'm in no way anti religion. I just think religion needs to open up to the fuller part of what it could be, which is really dealing with that spiritual aspect of us. So for me to go to that place where I'm like, no, I'm going to heal myself, I had to know that I wasn't just this meat suit. I had to know that I was spirit as well. And so in changing the way I thought, I changed myself entirely. So if you understand how your thoughts work, your thoughts are creating your whole life experience because it goes Identity creates the beliefs. Beliefs create the thoughts, Thoughts create the emotions, and the emotions create the circumstances of our life. So we got to go back to the identity.

8:04 Who are you? Who are you? And if all you can give me is this name of your meat suit, We're missing a huge component of who and what you. Are well, and yeah, and you know where you have a religious background. I have a religious background in Christianity, and as I told you earlier, I'm you know, I also love Buddhism and have really studied that a bit. But you know what I find, and I think you've hit it on the spot, is so many people do not understand that there's a divinity within us. And as you say, if all we're doing is focusing on our body, that's that's a nightmare. Whereas if we understand, you know, I think one of the things that has fascinated me so much as I've looked at this whole process is that, you know, when Christ said I am that I am, And as I've looked at a lot of the scriptures and so forth, I'm sure you do. What fascinates me is that somehow that has all come around to you need to do this, You need to do that, as you were saying, and then that guilt, that shame all comes honest, rather than the focus on becoming yeah, and becoming complete and who who we knowing myself right, yeah, knowing thyself and becoming complete. You know that scripture that says be there for perfect doesn't mean perfect, it means complete.

9:33 And what does that mean? In my mind? It means that we start to understand how we've been so affected by DNA, history, memory, by childhood, by religion, by all of those things, and being able to understand that what's important is for us to become. Yes, yeah, I mean, I'm I'm reminded of Like what Jesus spoke about more than anything else was the Kingdom of Heaven. And if you ask most people who follow any religion that is based in the Bible, they can't even tell you what the Kingdom of Heaven is. And it is the most important part of who and what we are. It's like it is us. It is that heavenly state that we can tap into at any point in time. Right, But if we're so caught up in that ego side to our mind, it's about knowing thyself, meaning knowing the parts that are really you and the pretended you, which is the ego, which is all those beliefs that are constantly going zu zuzuzuzu in my mind, right, and this takes me to one thing I do for my clients that I think changes them more than anything else.

10:46 It's identifying the major limiting beliefs. We call them commands life commands in my line of work, but it's identifying the life commands that are really running the show and my two or I'm unlovable and I'm not important. And once I found them, I saw all the different places in my life that I made those true for myself. Well, and it was let's talk about that for a minute, because you know you're unlovable that type of thing. What did you see happening in your life that were the results of that which you didn't realize until you know you figured it out. But what were you what experiences were you having in your marriage and all of those type of things that when you finally look back, you realize it had to do with those lemonade plus I'm not lovable.

11:38 Yeah, I remember telling my husband when we're not good. Sometimes I still do this, by the way, but I'll be like, I'll do you even love me like just he hates when I do it, but I'll still do it from time to time. But I did it all the time when we were in a really unhaled place and he couldn't stand it. But I really didn't feel like he loved me, and what I didn't realize was I was not letting him love me because I did not believe I was lovable. When you tell someone who believes so strongly that they are unlovable, it just bounces right off. In fact, it made me not trust people that told me that they loved me. So it wasn't until I went back. So we do this process to neutralize the trauma, and we basically go back to the traumatic events, and we do it in the first five years because that's where your entire personality was developed. So we go back to the earliest memories. And so for me, these commands came up in every one of my traumatic events.

12:41 And just know that a traumatic event doesn't have to be an accident. It doesn't have to be this huge thing. It could be something so simple. But in every traumatic event, I had both those commands that were always highlighted. And so what happens is when we're in this high state of negative, we create this belief and it gets stamped onto our subconscious mind and it basically stays there forevermore so, we need to figure we need to figure out those ones that are very specific to us in order to override them with the truth. So for me it was it was when like my dad would spank us, but they were very abusive rituals that he would use, and so those were major traumas for me. But then I had small ones, like I had this one around my own safety and it was just basically my dad getting an IV and my little tiny mind came up with this belief that I'm not safe or my future's not safe.

13:50 Just from that event. It wasn't anything significant, and we have those with everything. We have them around money, we have beliefs around male's females. So for me, my dad being abusive, my commands around men were men are scary and men hurt me. Could you imagine the kind of men I attracted with those beliefs. Yes, yes, So it's so important for us to find those beliefs because then we could say, Okay, this is not something I want to keep true for myself. Well, and you know, it's so interesting you to talk about that those beliefs and if you get into meditation and quantum physics and all of that type of thing, and the reality is those limiting beliefs shed forth a frequency that literally and you know, I try to explain to people when you have a magnet where boom they come together, what happens is that we literally attract the very thing that we're trying to avoid because we are still living within that frequency.

14:51 Yep, yep we are. And that's how that's how fear works. That's why people who are fearful, they're constantly attracting fear to them. People who are victims constantly attracting victim circumstances. Haven't you noticed they got a new victims story for you every day? And so yeah, it's like we are everything that we attract in our life, just like our meeting today, doctor Doug. All of it is frequency. We're attracting everything. So instead of judging it when you attract someone into your life, like with ladies, I also have friends who are former coaches, and I'd love one place I'd really love to go next is with attracting your perfect mate because it's the same system I work on now.

15:40 And so they'll call me and I'll be like, when you when you meet someone and they have these qualities, don't judge it. All you need to say is okay, I'm I'm seeing that I'm still attracting this pattern. Let me go through and really work on my beliefs around on who men are, who I am, what life is like, the beliefs that I'm really holding, because they're always going to be reflected back to you and your experience. So don't judge it. Just look at it, take take a little investigation a microscope, and just start like really zooming in and being like, Okay, what is going on in my consciousness that I'm attracting this well?

16:23 And you know, it's interesting because you talk about the trauma that you went through, and there's a huge percentage of individuals that go through that type of trauma and so we cannot minimize that at all. But what I find really fascinating is, and you brought it up that you said, well, they were these little things. So it also has to do with perception and as children, you know, I think they're so you know, there's probably people that are listening and said, hey, I had a great childhood. You know, I had a wonderful childhood, So what's the deal. And yet we have to understand that as children, we have a perception that is not necessarily reality. So a parent can say something to us and that perception is saying, oh, you're saying I'm not good enough, but in fact that's not what they meant. But that's what you got. Yeah.

17:16 And then there's epigenetics to Doug. Oh yeah, and that's what gets scary. You know. I think about that a lot because I think about you know, free will agency, all of that. People talk about that, but the reality is how much do we have when we have those DNA memories from past generations that are still within us that from time to time because of epigenetics, will come up and it won't even be our memory, it will be an ancestors memory, and yet we're experiencing it. I tested this one. So I had a father that was really scary, right, doesn't my mom had a father that was very scary. My second daughter, I only tested this in one of my children, but she has the same Her dad is docile, sweet, mellow, like nothing like my dad, right, But she has the same beliefs about men, which I work on with her, which is men hurt me and men are scary. And so, because I really wanted to know, not all my daughters have that. I have three daughters, they don't all have the same beliefs, but they are pulling from our lineage. But the beautiful part about epigenetics, if you've really done your research, we can turn off all the markers with our healing. When

18:47 we go in. We healed generations back as far as generations forward. So it's a very powerful thing. It's the one thing I say, it's the greatest gift you can give this world is to heal yourself, because you you will heal your lineage. And you know, I don't know that people understand that I've got a great well I think a great story about that. But you know, I come from a family of six children, right, and five boys and then one girl. My dad literally growing up was had a belt taken to him often by his father and so and and I know that that probably went on for generations in the past. And I watched now that I'm adult, and I look back, my dad and my mom never spanked us.

19:37 Now here you have five boys that are going to drive you crazy. They never spanked us at all. And because of that, in my family now and my extended family with my brothers and my sister, guess what, no one gets spanked. There's not that physical abuse anymore. And so I think what you said is so important that we can change the future generations just by consciously realizing like my dad did, that I'm going to change this pattern. And by doing that now it's going to be inherited by future generations that that's not going to happen anymore. Yeah, so beautiful, right, So what do you do with women who are struggling? How do you go back and help them to discover that early childhood or even that epigenetic memory.

20:37 Well, first of all, we identify the emotion. So we have all these trapped emotions in our body, right, the good ones we want to keep there, there does the stuff we want to keep. But there's some stuff in you we need to get rid of. So our job is to really pull out the negative emotions that are trapped in there. And so we'll just start by I'll start by asking him questions. What's so we all use the example of the husband, because he's like the reason. He is the closest mirror, the strongest mirror to her where it's like, right, so what's going on in your marriage? How are you feeling from him? So if she doesn't feel loved by him, I'll say Okay, tap into that emotion, right, feel it fully in your body. It's always trapped somewhere.

21:23 And I'll say, first impression, where's that? Where's that located in your body? She her eyes are closed, she feels it, she puts her hands on it. What color is it? Because the two things, the two languages we first learned when we come into this world is emotion and color, and so much of our stuff we can identify that way. So then I'll say pull up, because I use very much use the subconscious, right, So you say, pull up the first image of the time you've felt this emotion. And sometimes if she's not in if you know, because most of us were not in tune with our subconscious at all, but it's always the first voice. You're almost always going to try and talk yourself out of it, you're almost always going to argue with it, but it will be the first thing that pops up. So then we go through that event. We basically neutralize the event.

22:19 So we go through the event over and over again until there's no more emotion left. And sometimes I'll see them take a deep breath in. They'll take like a deep sigh or a deep breath and then you kind of just see it pass out of the body. Well, and you're using a process that is similar to NLP, your linguistic programming. Is that basically some forms some forms of NLP, because it's not in all forms it's in there's hints of it in E, M, d R. It's kind of a similar process. There's some in NLP, but there's many different processes that kind of to do a similar thing.

23:02 Yes, yes, absolutely, And I think the key is to be able to go in and help them to, as you say, take the influence of an off or reframe it in a way that they look at it from an entirely different perspective. But how do you help them to literally remove it? Or is it that? And then you talked about ego, you talked about consciousness. How is it that people can literally either let it go or at least minimize it enough and be aware enough that when that starts to creep up again they start to see behavior reflecting that again. How do they get to the point where that's not happening anymore.

23:42 They have to be so sick of the pain. I'll be honest with you. Some people just they haven't experienced enough pain where they're just like, I'm not going to torture myself anymore. Like every time you go back to an event or remember it the same, you never remember it the same. Why Because it's not a reality. It's something you created in your mind. That's why two people can go to an event and it's like, no, this happened, No, this happened, No, this happened, No this. They all have different accounts because, like you said earlier, it is their perception. It's through the eyes of their beliefs that they're perceiving the event. So once you change the beliefs, you can go back to an event. So I like to go back to my events, and I like to remember them in a different way, like you said, in a positive way.

24:34 I don't want to demonize my dad. My dad did the best he could. He was just living his programming, right. I don't want to demonize myself. I don't want to demonize someone else. I don't want to demonize life. So for me, I create the story that I want to create. That's what I do. I go back and I create the story I want to create, and I basically set fire to the one that I distortingly created. As a little, tiny girl who right just had a different set of beliefs. I'm not that person anymore. So I create from the standpoint of what I want to experience well.

25:15 And so you talked about your own marriage and the fact that it was not good, and you say that you really focus on helping women to improve those marriages, with or without the help of their husband. So what was your experience and how did you see a change take place? Because a marriage is two people, it's not just one. But how did you get to the point where because of what you did and what you were working on, that you started to see a change in that relationship and in your husband. Yeah, I started to practice a different version of them. I started to practice the version of them that I wanted, and he transformed. And it started with one little practice.

26:01 I just started journaling what are the things I like about them? And when it first started there, it was a very short list because I hadn't been practicing that, right, short list. With that list started to grow when it became my daily practice, it started to get more detailed, and then it started to bring in emotion. And you know when emotion starts, it you embody the emotion. I started to practice the version of him that I met and fell in love with, and I practiced it and practiced it and practiced it until I saw it. So you know when Jesus talks about you're not going to be able to see something until you perceive something. Right, It's been muddled with all the different translations, but basically you don't pray with this energy of like, I know I don't deserve this thing, but please God, please give me this thing that is not prayer. Prayer was saying, thank you for that thing I already have, thank you, I already have it. It's mine, thank you, thank you.

27:08 It is the embodiment. It's the knowing. It goes far beyond even belief. It's knowing it's yours. You know what I'm saying. And so I knew it was my when I started to understand how the mind worked, when I started to understand my own power. I then said, I've been practicing him the shit way. Ooh, sorry, if I had to, I've been practicing him the negative way. Why don't I try the positive way and see what happens? And when I did it, when I saw the momentum grow on that meaning my list started growing, and then he started getting nicer to me, and then he started doing things where I'm like, you do that in my dream and my you know, and my imagination for like a week, and then all of a sudden, he finally does it, and I just started playing with it. I started playing with my reality in that sort of a way.

28:01 And when I saw how powerful I was, I was like, no one can convince me that I'm not powerful. No one can convince me that my mind can't create whatever it wants, because that's what I did. And what responsibility did your husband have. Nothing. I looked at him and I said, Babe, I realize I've had this all wrong. I thought you were my source to happiness. I thought you were the one that needed to make me happy, and I had it backwards. I realized that I needed to make me happy, that that was my job, that it was my job to do within me, and you're just a bonus. So you're forever off the hook for making me happy. And when I did that, and sometimes I have to remind myself that I do that because responsible. I'm not saying I'm not saying that some of those old patterns don't come up.

29:00 What I am saying is that it was a realization, it was a switch within me that I had made him my source and that was backwards that I had to be the source of everything that I wanted, so I be who I want to be and he he gets to level up because of it, like lucky him, well and lucky guy. You know, you talk about that. But as you know, especially with those limiting beliefs, and we were talking a little bit about that, that we keep attracting, that people keep attracting the same thing over and over again, particularly they've been abused. What do you recommend and have you ever dealt with women who are in quote a codependent maybe abusive relationship And do you see if someone is abusive because of whatever reason their own epigenetics, you find that that also is solved or do you find sometimes you just have to say, all right, let's work on you, and at some point in time you may need to walk away.

30:11 Exactly. Excuse me a few things. When I take on a client. First of all, if I see a lot of abuse, I'm like not playing this like you, she has to have a strong desire to change, Like I'm not saying I won't take her but she has to be like ready to go. That's number one. Number two is when one changes, both changes. We're if you think about the couple as a little universe, right, all your relationships, it's this non there's so many non physical aspects of that relationship. That's why you can look. I can look at my husband come in that door, and I know what kind of mood he's in. I just feel him like that. There's a universe in every relationship you were connected to that person. I have practiced this so long that I could look at someone in the same room and I know their personality because I can just read it.

31:13 Right. We're all energetic. So when my universe changes, his has to change. Now. It doesn't mean that he's not going to resist it, and by resisting, he might not even be able to stand. In fact, this is what we went through when I went through my change. There were months where we were just not okay because he was wigging out. He's like, this is not our practice, this is what we do. We fight. Why aren't you arguing with me? He had no one to argue with. Doug, who wasn't going to argue with I wasn't even there. I wasn't the same person I will, that's right, And so here I be. And he was wigging out because he's like, what does this mean for us?

31:55 Is this the ed like? And I'm like, this is just who I'd be, right, And so when one person is is the change the other person has to if they're going to be in their presence Now, sometimes they just can't. They're just so sometimes because a lot of the women that I attract our high supporters, and there has been our high controllers. What we're working on is to balance those energies because my goal is to get them equal. If I can't get them equal, it's not healthy. And sometimes she wants to stay down here in victim and which keeps him up here in the controlling, narcissistic behavior. And if she doesn't want to rise up, it ain't gonna work. And I tell her that because I'm the controller in my relationship, so I'm the one who's going to hold the space for her. But I'm like, sweetheart, we got to get you up here. If we can't get you up here, sweetheart, this ain't going to be saved. So I am not attached to her saving the relationship because if she rises as much as she can and he falls off. Like, I'm not attached to the marriage being saved. I'm attached to her being healed and in whatever that looks like in her life. I'm committed to that. So but my goal is to get her taking up all her space because then he will come down to meet her. We just got to get that balance going. Does that answer your question?

33:17 Well? It does, And I think there has to be some point in time where he's also willing to do a little of that introspective work. Isn't that true? Or I mean my. Husband he is. He will do it on his own. Don't get me wrong. He's come a long way and done it on his own. Yes, But I really think this is an energetics thing because the narcissist is that way, because the narcissist and I will put myself in that category because of my husband and I. He's more of the supporter and I'm more of the controller. When the narcissist is loved in, that little kid in them is like okay, come here, it's okay, I got you. When they have that support, the narcissistic tendencies, the controlling tendencies soften so when she becomes that say, basically the supporter and the controller or the narcissist. They've just got the opposite triggers from their trauma, and when her traumas are soothed, she can then be in a soft spot to soothe his when they're going off. So I really do believe that he will be massively impacted by her work. I saw it within my family, Doug. I did the work.

34:44 I healed myself, but I saw my husband change, and I saw all three of my daughters change because of my work. My girls didn't do it. He does it a little bit, you know, he's into it now, but he didn't do it initially. And I watched all of them change simply by me changing. So I think that it's the whole topic of you know, when we when one heals, we have this ripple effect on the entire world. Well do you believe that? Yeah? And as you talk about that, I know one thing that comes to my mind, and you've talked about this is forgiveness. And you know, it's one thing to say, all right, this is what he did, all right, and it's really difficult to forgive him. And yet at the same time, as you're saying, but no, it's just hen you know, pull up a mirror, because it's really all about you, it's nothing about him type of thing. How does an individual really learn and understand forgiveness because it doesn't that make a big difference in a relationship.

35:47 Forgiveness is everything. It is the biggest topic we we probably talk about in my program. It is letting go of the negative past. Is all forgiveness is. Some people think it's much bigger than that. It is just letting go of the negative past. It's so simple. If I bring in the version of my husband from all the years we've been together, and I bring it all and say, hey, this is all the things I stored up about you. You got a lot of you know, shit to heal. Yeah, I know, I was writing for that word again, these are all the things you have to atone for. Here you go. If I do that on a daily basis, how am I supposed to have that dreamy, amazing relationship that I want?

36:36 Like? No, And would I want him to do that to me? No? It's like it keeps it Unforgiveness keeps us in the toxic past, all the toxic, all the dirt, all the crap in the past. You're bringing now into the future because you refuse to forgive. Forgiveness is a gift to us. It is such a gift, and you will know that like people, you know, the most bitter people, they just refuse to forgive and they are just stuck as victims. It keeps you a victim. So yeah, like the way that I, you know, healed my marriage was by taking absolute one hundred percent responsibility.

37:20 How do you forgive yourself? That's the key. You just make the choice to do. It, okay, and you just learn to forgive yourself. You just do it. Is like you don't try, you don't say, you just freaking do it. You say, I'm forgiving because I know it's for my best interest and for the best interests of the world. And I also know that unforgiveness is not serving me in any way, shape or form. You have to get to that place to know that that unforgiveness is not serving you well. And how do people I mean, I see this a lot where they struggle in their lives because they really can't forgive them selves. And it's amazing. I don't know, And maybe it has to do with they've been you know, as you say, you were brought up in a very religious home, as was I, and yet sometimes that that religion of that you need to do this, you need to do that gets to the point where that guilt and shame becomes so strong that it's very difficult for them to forgive themselves.

38:25 It was very difficult for me. I'm not real lie it, yeah, because I believed that I was a horrible person. I hated myself. How did you do it? I made a decision. I just decided. So when you make a decision, un forgiveness is like this. Some people be like, well I thought I forgave. It's like, but every time that a negative memory comes up, what are you doing with the thought? Are you grabbing hold of it? Are you taking it captive and saying, yeah, I'm not just believing, I'm not believing this shit anymore. Sorry, that's the third bomb I throw. You obviously have a problem. But you grab a hold of the memory. Because we think in pictures, right or subconscious mind thinks in pictures, It experiences in pictures, it creates through pictures. So the picture comes up, oh remember that time you did that?

39:15 You grab a hold of it. You say, no, I forgave that. I choose to forgive myself. And you picture it in a trash can, picture throwing it in a toilet. You just literally pick it up and you throw it away, and you say, nope, you have to decide. Everything starts with the decision. Well, and you know, you have been so transparent about your own life, which I think is amazing. That's difficult sometimes. Any other any other quick stories about that come to your mind that you have permission to talk about that, Where you have seen someone transition from potentially a divorce to a very happy relationship.

39:58 Yes, I've seen lots. Yeah, I've seen lots. I've seen people who've gone through infidelity who just could not get past the infidelity, and then you know, three five years later, they're the happiest that they ever been because that infidelity caused them to go back and really look at their You know what, I have a really good story. Okay, So. A beautiful woman like she had a really long relationship and he struggled with substance abuse, but she just held tight to him like she did not want to let go, and they went through I believe it was like twenty years of a relationship, just holding on to this belief.

40:54 And then they finally get married and hit some real bad turbulence and they didn't have kids. They were a little bit older, and I started working with her. Their relationship transformed so fast. And then and then through her through our work together, she had realized that she had been so scared of having kids. She got pregnant right away. We had one session. She got pregnant, like I swear, within a week of the session, and they now have a new baby. They are so happy, like they are like she's just an all star because she did all of her homework. Just so beautiful. But I have lots of those stories. I have lots of those stories, and it can be done.

41:48 And I think that's the key message for the audience is that if if you're willing to do it, and you're not in one of those situations where the other person's never going to change, then you literally can heal that relationship. Yeah. Oh, I believe that. I believe that anything's possible. Anything's possible. So as we come to a close, because this has gone by so fast, what would be a message that you'd like to share with the audience. Don't ever settle for who you are now, always reach for that next level of yourself because no, there's no limit to who you can be and what you can have.

42:35 And I think that people have just been living within their limitations and they don't see the potential. You have the potential to grab a hold of whatever it is. No relationship is lost, no relationship is like trash. I believe that it is possible for you to heal any relationship, even if that relationship does not look the same moving forward and you guys stay together, but it means you have the ability to move forward and create that relationship that is what you really truly want. Oh, thank you. And the key is is you heal yourself. So if you have to move away from that relationship, now, you're going to attract a different relationship. Is that true?

43:20 Yeah, And you're going to move away with love though you're going to send them away. With love, yes, because you're right. I mean, I can't tell you how many times I've heard people talk about, Oh, what a bad relate and they go on and on and on about that partner, that ex husband or ex wife and they've never really let it go. Yeah, and so they keep attracting the same thing. Yep, I've had terrible I've had terrible relationships, but now I see them through a different perspective. I think all my traumas has has served me so well, like I would never regret any of it is been the greatest gift to my life well.

44:03 And I think you've hit on the key is as you look back at all of those quote failed relationships, if you approach it from the standpoint of what did I learn and what did I learn about myself? And what did I learn about my choices and so forth, as you look at that, all of a sudden, it becomes a learning and you don't have that upsetness and that anger that so often people experience. So how do people find you? I mean, how do people find you? How do they? I mean, I'm on all the platforms I own. I'd say Instagram and Facebook are probably my biggest communities. But I could also give you a link to I have a little mini course that's on my link tree, which is usually my free gift I give at a at a podcast. It's basically a mini course how to heal your marriage. You know, it's it's it's not very long, so people like that. It's nice and short, but it will also give you the ability to reach out to me.

45:08 If you find yourself in a relationship where you know, you don't know if you want to heal it, you don't want to know, if you want to leave, I say, at least give it a conversation with me before you call it quits, because remember, you're taking yourself wherever you go. So, okay, what's the link? What is that link? I will give it to you. I don't know it. I don't know by heart doctor. Okay, if you can email that to me, I'll put that into the description. And I know you have your reclaim your you aremarriage dot com. But that's not the that's not the link. It would be on that link. I think I am not a tech ye girl. I am so tech dummy that I think it's on there.

45:54 Okay, now that's a limiting belief. You've got to work on that. You found it. You've found one of my core limiting beliefs. Yep, kah, thanks so much. This has been great. I really appreciate it, and I really appreciate your transparency because when people hear that all of a sudden, it allows them to realize, you know what, if she can do it, I can do it. Yeah. It releases the shame too, Doug. Shame is like all the secrets, you know. That's what I learned in my family. It was all the secrets I didn't know my dad had aides. It was one of those secrets we don't tell.

46:35 And secrets keep us in the dark, and they keep they keep us in shame. And so I just let it all hang out. And I think that everyone, if everyone got to be more in that place where they just refuse to see themselves as you know, shameful. It's like, embrace all of you. Embrace every single aspect of who you are and what you've lived, because that is beautiful. That's what you can here to do. You didn't come here to get it all right, and you know, walk in a straight line and do everything that you know you're supposed to do. You came here to expand and grow and become more and make a lot of mistakes. Mistakes. Amen, Well, damn me. Thanks so much. This has been great. Thanks for listening. I hope you really enjoyed this and we look forward to having you join us again soon. This is doctor Dex saying no mistake,