Oct. 7, 2024

Golden Communication

Golden Communication

Conversational intelligence. Something we don’t talk about much. Yet it can be the difference between conflict vs contrast. So often our communication causes conflict at different levels. Anger and frustration result.
Katja Schleicher is a...

iHeartRadio podcast player iconSpotify podcast player iconAmazon Music podcast player iconAudible podcast player iconPandora podcast player iconApple Podcasts podcast player iconSpreaker podcast player iconPodchaser podcast player iconAudacy podcast player iconDeezer podcast player iconTuneIn podcast player iconRSS Feed podcast player iconPodcast Addict podcast player iconCastro podcast player iconCastamatic podcast player iconCastbox podcast player iconFountain podcast player iconJioSaavn podcast player iconPlayerFM podcast player iconOvercast podcast player iconGoodpods podcast player iconPocketCasts podcast player iconPodverse podcast player iconPodurama podcast player iconPodimo podcast player iconPodyssey podcast player iconYouTube podcast player iconYoutube Music podcast player icon
iHeartRadio podcast player iconSpotify podcast player iconAmazon Music podcast player iconAudible podcast player iconPandora podcast player iconApple Podcasts podcast player iconSpreaker podcast player iconPodchaser podcast player iconAudacy podcast player iconDeezer podcast player iconTuneIn podcast player iconRSS Feed podcast player iconPodcast Addict podcast player iconCastro podcast player iconCastamatic podcast player iconCastbox podcast player iconFountain podcast player iconJioSaavn podcast player iconPlayerFM podcast player iconOvercast podcast player iconGoodpods podcast player iconPocketCasts podcast player iconPodverse podcast player iconPodurama podcast player iconPodimo podcast player iconPodyssey podcast player iconYouTube podcast player iconYoutube Music podcast player icon

Conversational intelligence. Something we don’t talk about much. Yet it can be the difference between conflict vs contrast. So often our communication causes conflict at different levels. Anger and frustration result.
Katja Schleicher is a communication expert and talks about how we can consciously develop better communication and thus reduce the amount of conflict in our relationships as well as in the world.

Inspire Vision Podcast is broadcast on K4HD Radio (www.k4hd.com) part of Talk 4 Radio (www.talk4radio.com) on the Talk 4 Media Network (www.talk4media.com).

Inspire Vision Podcast TV Show is viewed on Talk 4 TV (www.talk4tv.com).

Inspire Vision Podcast is also available on Talk 4 Podcasting (www.talk4podcasting.com), iHeartRadio, Amazon Music, Pandora, Spotify, Audible, and over 100 other podcast outlets.

WEBVTT

1
00:00:01.120 --> 00:00:04.639
This program is designed to provide general information with regards

2
00:00:04.719 --> 00:00:07.679
to the subject matters covered. This information is given with

3
00:00:07.759 --> 00:00:12.080
the understanding that neither the hosts, guests, sponsors, or station

4
00:00:12.320 --> 00:00:19.160
are engaged in rendering any specific and personal medical, financial, legal, counseling,

5
00:00:19.399 --> 00:00:23.559
professional service, or any advice. You should seek the services

6
00:00:23.600 --> 00:00:29.679
of competent professionals before applying or trying any suggested ideas.

7
00:00:29.120 --> 00:00:33.200
At the end of the day, it's not about what

8
00:00:33.280 --> 00:00:36.560
you have or even what you've accomplished. It's about what

9
00:00:36.600 --> 00:00:40.159
you've done with those accomplishments. It's about who you've lifted up,

10
00:00:40.479 --> 00:00:43.759
who you've made better. It's about what you've given back.

11
00:00:44.320 --> 00:00:48.840
Denzel Washington, Welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is

12
00:00:48.840 --> 00:00:51.520
to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you

13
00:00:51.600 --> 00:00:52.280
to do the same.

14
00:00:54.439 --> 00:00:59.719
Gotcha, Welcome to the show. Hi, so share with the

15
00:00:59.719 --> 00:01:01.200
Adia where you're coming from.

16
00:01:02.759 --> 00:01:06.920
I'm German born and raised. I studied in Germany and Austria.

17
00:01:07.120 --> 00:01:13.519
I lived in Ireland, Switzerland, Canada, in Germany again and

18
00:01:13.599 --> 00:01:19.079
now I'm living in the Netherlands. Wow, it makes me

19
00:01:20.319 --> 00:01:21.319
a true European.

20
00:01:22.519 --> 00:01:25.879
True European. That's great.

21
00:01:26.000 --> 00:01:28.959
And tell me a little bit about yourself and you

22
00:01:29.000 --> 00:01:32.640
know your background because you've you've.

23
00:01:32.319 --> 00:01:33.560
Moved into it entirely.

24
00:01:33.840 --> 00:01:37.439
Well, what I find is a fascinating approach to helping people,

25
00:01:38.159 --> 00:01:42.480
businesses as well as individuals, talking about communications so forth.

26
00:01:42.519 --> 00:01:44.159
What brought this all about?

27
00:01:47.840 --> 00:01:51.560
To be honest, it has been that way all my life.

28
00:01:52.959 --> 00:01:56.840
I'm a person who had called it an early calling.

29
00:01:57.799 --> 00:02:00.799
This is what I've been doing all my life, and

30
00:02:00.879 --> 00:02:04.680
I just turned it into a business later on. I

31
00:02:04.920 --> 00:02:08.360
seemed already as a child, have seemed to have a

32
00:02:09.520 --> 00:02:17.479
tendency or an ability to help people's words. Let me

33
00:02:17.520 --> 00:02:21.120
put it like that, and to make sure that they

34
00:02:21.240 --> 00:02:25.439
find the right word in the right moment, and then

35
00:02:25.479 --> 00:02:28.360
I'll be at their site when they need to do it.

36
00:02:29.599 --> 00:02:32.599
So and this is basically in the core of what

37
00:02:32.680 --> 00:02:35.639
I do. If you are going on stage and you

38
00:02:35.719 --> 00:02:38.560
have to give a presentation, or you're speaking at a conference,

39
00:02:39.400 --> 00:02:43.599
or you're just took over a position, a new position

40
00:02:43.680 --> 00:02:45.840
and you're working with a new team and have to

41
00:02:46.560 --> 00:02:50.719
win your team over, or you want to you need

42
00:02:50.759 --> 00:02:55.319
to restructure your client services in your company, and sometimes

43
00:02:55.360 --> 00:02:57.639
it's you given it to a media interview.

44
00:02:58.120 --> 00:03:00.319
You have some.

45
00:03:00.360 --> 00:03:04.759
Words for the press that are hopefully the right ones. Now,

46
00:03:04.800 --> 00:03:06.560
this is what I'm doing, and I do that in

47
00:03:06.639 --> 00:03:10.400
three languages, in German and English and in Dutch. And

48
00:03:10.439 --> 00:03:14.479
I do that mostly on the industry side and less

49
00:03:14.520 --> 00:03:17.240
so on the political side, to be honest, because I

50
00:03:17.280 --> 00:03:23.919
think in doing business business communication still has a different

51
00:03:23.960 --> 00:03:28.919
approach than political communication. And I'll do that form basically

52
00:03:28.960 --> 00:03:29.800
twenty years now.

53
00:03:30.479 --> 00:03:35.520
Wow, and let's talk about personal communication, because you know

54
00:03:35.560 --> 00:03:37.879
what we see going on right now in the world,

55
00:03:38.240 --> 00:03:42.280
I think has everything to do with communication, whether you

56
00:03:42.280 --> 00:03:45.520
want to talk about it political or business or otherwise.

57
00:03:46.039 --> 00:03:48.000
Communication is the key.

58
00:03:48.159 --> 00:03:53.360
And how many people are finding that communication is not

59
00:03:53.520 --> 00:03:56.759
working out for them in their personal lives.

60
00:03:57.840 --> 00:04:03.759
Every communication arts with that. This is the This is

61
00:04:03.800 --> 00:04:10.199
the nucleus AI back and forth. All the nice idea

62
00:04:11.080 --> 00:04:16.879
that the words are written or spoken from human to

63
00:04:17.040 --> 00:04:25.959
human has a very miraculous resonance. Words can kill and

64
00:04:26.199 --> 00:04:32.959
words can revive. So the nucleus, the core of our

65
00:04:33.040 --> 00:04:40.759
relationships is how we express it by words. Yeah, what

66
00:04:40.920 --> 00:04:41.519
we need to start.

67
00:04:42.279 --> 00:04:44.519
You know what I find interesting is, as I've talked

68
00:04:44.519 --> 00:04:46.199
to some others, one.

69
00:04:46.079 --> 00:04:48.639
Of the things we talked about with communication is there's

70
00:04:48.839 --> 00:04:51.680
really three ways in which we communicate.

71
00:04:52.199 --> 00:04:55.079
There's the words, whis interesting.

72
00:04:55.199 --> 00:04:59.920
Some studies show that it's not the hugest part of communication.

73
00:05:00.079 --> 00:05:04.680
And then you have the body language, and then you

74
00:05:04.680 --> 00:05:10.160
have the tonality. Yeah, so as we start focusing on words,

75
00:05:11.000 --> 00:05:13.920
how does that relate and how does that relate to

76
00:05:14.120 --> 00:05:16.560
the tonality and the body language and so forth? There

77
00:05:16.560 --> 00:05:19.959
are you kind of including those other two within the

78
00:05:20.040 --> 00:05:21.000
words themselves.

79
00:05:21.839 --> 00:05:25.839
Yeah, do you have to because exactly what you say,

80
00:05:26.480 --> 00:05:30.759
your mouse can lie with the words you speak. Your

81
00:05:30.800 --> 00:05:36.600
body can't. Your body has already spoken before you, before

82
00:05:36.639 --> 00:05:41.399
you even also the first word. It's unbelievable how how

83
00:05:41.439 --> 00:05:48.319
big the influence of body language is. And when there

84
00:05:48.360 --> 00:05:51.160
is there is something something else what we call para

85
00:05:51.519 --> 00:05:56.560
verbal communication, like you utter as a confirmation, a vocal

86
00:05:56.600 --> 00:06:02.680
one or an oh, be called that paraverbal which goes.

87
00:06:03.399 --> 00:06:06.680
It's a makes out of you know, body language and tonality.

88
00:06:06.959 --> 00:06:10.879
So you already without saying anything, you are with the

89
00:06:10.959 --> 00:06:15.879
other person kind of you build up what we call

90
00:06:15.920 --> 00:06:21.639
a conversational intelligence. You build a resonance, and you need

91
00:06:21.680 --> 00:06:25.680
to be aware of your or you need to be

92
00:06:25.720 --> 00:06:27.639
in sync. Let me put it like that, that's the

93
00:06:27.639 --> 00:06:30.040
best thing. You need to be in sync with your body,

94
00:06:30.120 --> 00:06:36.079
because your body will always lead right about tonality and

95
00:06:36.199 --> 00:06:39.560
words and tonality here, I'm a little bit mixed in

96
00:06:39.600 --> 00:06:43.279
my experience with my clients. There is some of them

97
00:06:44.639 --> 00:06:48.480
not that great tonality, but great words and the other

98
00:06:48.519 --> 00:06:51.040
way around. So I'm a little bit mixed here about

99
00:06:51.040 --> 00:06:56.519
I'm pretty sure that your body language is leading unconsciously,

100
00:06:56.720 --> 00:07:04.240
subconsciously the way to towards the hearts of other people. Absolutely, yes.

101
00:07:04.319 --> 00:07:08.759
And you know, it's interesting you talk about intelligence from

102
00:07:08.800 --> 00:07:12.639
the standpoint of conversation. I mean, we've got emotional intelligence,

103
00:07:12.680 --> 00:07:16.920
we have just general IQ intelligence and so forth. Now

104
00:07:17.000 --> 00:07:21.439
you're talking about conversational intelligence. Can you explain to the audience.

105
00:07:21.160 --> 00:07:22.079
What that is.

106
00:07:24.720 --> 00:07:29.560
It's basically a three part a three P suit, right.

107
00:07:29.639 --> 00:07:33.920
It starts part of that intelligence is resonance. So how

108
00:07:33.920 --> 00:07:38.639
do you build contact with the other person or the

109
00:07:39.839 --> 00:07:44.199
group you were talking to? The things like how do

110
00:07:44.279 --> 00:07:47.720
you make sure that they're that you in sending something

111
00:07:48.120 --> 00:07:53.480
opening a back channel so that the other person wants

112
00:07:53.519 --> 00:07:58.600
to talk back to you, because you know there understanding

113
00:07:58.680 --> 00:08:02.639
is not our problem. We understand each other pretty well.

114
00:08:03.480 --> 00:08:07.399
We just very often do not have any intention to

115
00:08:07.720 --> 00:08:13.720
follow what is beIN said. So you're by building resonance,

116
00:08:14.240 --> 00:08:18.600
by making a connection to the other person. That is

117
00:08:18.639 --> 00:08:23.000
the first step. The second step to conversational intelligence is

118
00:08:23.639 --> 00:08:28.199
built by relevance, especially in times like these where it

119
00:08:28.279 --> 00:08:32.519
looks like that everything is either either fake news or

120
00:08:32.600 --> 00:08:37.039
a lie, or not true or not proven. All these things.

121
00:08:37.720 --> 00:08:43.960
Relevance meaning the right word in the right situation towards

122
00:08:44.000 --> 00:08:49.039
the right group. And once you add resonance and relevance,

123
00:08:49.559 --> 00:08:53.440
you might you might end up with congruency towards So

124
00:08:53.759 --> 00:08:59.240
there was a certain a certain wave of vipe between

125
00:08:59.279 --> 00:09:01.759
you and the udiens that has to do as well

126
00:09:02.159 --> 00:09:08.039
with emotional parts and with the facts and figures parts.

127
00:09:08.320 --> 00:09:11.639
So in the mix out of these two probably helps.

128
00:09:11.679 --> 00:09:15.480
If you only build up a resonance and emotional connection

129
00:09:15.960 --> 00:09:22.679
without relevance, you might be seen as a nice person

130
00:09:22.759 --> 00:09:27.360
on stage, but without having a foot in reality. If

131
00:09:27.399 --> 00:09:30.639
you are only irrelevant but not resonant, you might be right,

132
00:09:30.759 --> 00:09:34.919
but no one will listen. So you better start with

133
00:09:34.960 --> 00:09:40.519
the resonant part on top developments and you might end

134
00:09:40.559 --> 00:09:42.200
up with conversational intelligence.

135
00:09:43.080 --> 00:09:47.000
Okay, so really, and then between individuals, and that's where

136
00:09:47.000 --> 00:09:51.360
I really want to focus is between individuals. You know,

137
00:09:51.399 --> 00:09:53.559
I've looked at it from different perspectives. I took a

138
00:09:53.639 --> 00:09:57.080
course in communication and they talked about the very same thing,

139
00:09:57.120 --> 00:10:00.240
as far as you know, affinity In other words, how

140
00:10:00.240 --> 00:10:01.240
do you feel about.

141
00:10:01.080 --> 00:10:02.159
The person and so forth?

142
00:10:02.200 --> 00:10:05.320
And then do you have something common that you can

143
00:10:05.399 --> 00:10:08.919
talk about that reality type of thing. And then obviously

144
00:10:09.399 --> 00:10:12.360
the way that you communicate are you willing to communicate?

145
00:10:12.519 --> 00:10:15.639
And again, now we get into the words that we use,

146
00:10:15.960 --> 00:10:17.080
and let's talk about that.

147
00:10:17.080 --> 00:10:20.240
A little bit. What are the effect of words?

148
00:10:20.320 --> 00:10:23.440
We know that body language has a huge amount sometimes

149
00:10:23.559 --> 00:10:27.480
tonality can to but what are the words and how

150
00:10:27.480 --> 00:10:31.440
do words affect our communication? And how do they affect

151
00:10:31.440 --> 00:10:35.200
the other person in a way that they either are

152
00:10:35.480 --> 00:10:39.120
truly understanding or they're getting triggered and all of a

153
00:10:39.159 --> 00:10:41.559
sudden they're not really hearing what you're saying because they've

154
00:10:41.559 --> 00:10:43.639
got so much stuff going on in their mind.

155
00:10:44.960 --> 00:10:47.159
Here's a couple of things you were mentioning already that

156
00:10:47.240 --> 00:10:52.799
play an important role. Here trigger is one thing, and

157
00:10:52.960 --> 00:10:58.759
the other one we have something in common. Now there's

158
00:10:58.759 --> 00:11:04.440
a communication phrase for that, temarema. So you're always interpersonal.

159
00:11:04.639 --> 00:11:12.679
You start with something both communication partners know when we

160
00:11:13.159 --> 00:11:19.960
let's let's take a very simple sentence, it has been

161
00:11:20.039 --> 00:11:26.480
raining in Utah today. Then Utah is the thing that

162
00:11:26.639 --> 00:11:29.840
both of us know. Okay, this is the common the

163
00:11:29.919 --> 00:11:35.159
common denominator we have. But the news will be, oh,

164
00:11:35.240 --> 00:11:40.120
it has been raining in Utah. So these two things

165
00:11:40.200 --> 00:11:44.279
together building coming ground. Oh yeah, Utah. Oh you know

166
00:11:44.320 --> 00:11:46.799
where Utah is, you live there, I know where Yoda is.

167
00:11:46.879 --> 00:11:49.759
I want to go there. Okay, And there has been

168
00:11:50.120 --> 00:11:56.000
a certain weather condition today. That's the news. So our sentences,

169
00:11:56.039 --> 00:12:00.000
our words are should should be built on both of them.

170
00:12:00.799 --> 00:12:03.840
If you speak to a person only in things that

171
00:12:03.960 --> 00:12:08.720
person does not know or cannot relate to you, will

172
00:12:09.080 --> 00:12:13.519
you will end up with zero understanding and even less

173
00:12:13.519 --> 00:12:19.120
emotional understanding. Right. If you just build common ground on

174
00:12:19.159 --> 00:12:23.600
the things you know, but do not add something new

175
00:12:23.639 --> 00:12:29.080
to it, you'll be perceived as probably boring. None of

176
00:12:29.120 --> 00:12:33.679
these makes you a good communicator inter personally. Right, So

177
00:12:33.799 --> 00:12:34.639
this makes us.

178
00:12:34.559 --> 00:12:38.559
Interesting, okay. And so here here's where the reality comes in.

179
00:12:38.879 --> 00:12:41.480
You know, you said, Okay, it's raining in Utah. I'm

180
00:12:41.480 --> 00:12:45.279
looking outside and it's going No, it's not. It's sunny,

181
00:12:45.320 --> 00:12:49.200
it's beautiful. And yet I guarantee you somewhere in Utah's raining?

182
00:12:49.279 --> 00:12:53.919
Right? So how how you.

183
00:12:53.799 --> 00:12:57.679
Add words in a way that you do not nullify

184
00:12:58.240 --> 00:13:01.679
someone's perception of the immediate a situation going on, and

185
00:13:01.759 --> 00:13:04.840
yet at the same time can say, you know what,

186
00:13:05.000 --> 00:13:09.519
it's raining somewhere in Utah.

187
00:13:09.799 --> 00:13:13.679
In making sure that the way you you talk about

188
00:13:13.720 --> 00:13:17.440
the circumstances for the betther right, let's let's take let's

189
00:13:17.440 --> 00:13:21.559
take the weather. Uh, it's the best. The best thing

190
00:13:21.600 --> 00:13:25.559
you could do is always turning turning a sentence into

191
00:13:25.600 --> 00:13:30.440
a question, when has it been raining in your area

192
00:13:30.639 --> 00:13:33.799
for the last time? And all of a sudden you

193
00:13:33.919 --> 00:13:38.279
build an absolutely different report because now I'm giving you

194
00:13:38.320 --> 00:13:43.600
the opportunity to talk about your personal experience, add it

195
00:13:43.679 --> 00:13:52.080
with your reality and inform me on something. Now, this

196
00:13:52.200 --> 00:14:00.720
is this is priceless in communication. So turning something usual

197
00:14:00.799 --> 00:14:04.759
sentence into a question that is an opening one. So

198
00:14:04.799 --> 00:14:07.080
a question that not cannot be and it cannot be

199
00:14:07.120 --> 00:14:12.360
answered easily to thees or no. That is a very

200
00:14:12.480 --> 00:14:17.039
very huge step forward in interpersonal communication. And it will

201
00:14:17.080 --> 00:14:19.399
be one of my tips and my advice is to

202
00:14:19.879 --> 00:14:21.960
if you're in doubt, ask a question.

203
00:14:23.559 --> 00:14:27.519
Well, yeah, and I think that's so important. I you know,

204
00:14:27.559 --> 00:14:29.240
as I mentioned to you. I've been in Thailand for

205
00:14:29.279 --> 00:14:32.600
a number of months. I just got back, and I

206
00:14:32.639 --> 00:14:36.720
don't speak Thai, so you can imagine the communication that

207
00:14:36.759 --> 00:14:37.039
goes on.

208
00:14:37.240 --> 00:14:41.320
So use Google Translate a lot, right, And you probably

209
00:14:41.320 --> 00:14:43.559
have never had to because you speak all these languages.

210
00:14:43.639 --> 00:14:47.240
But what I find, even with Google Translate, sometimes someone

211
00:14:47.320 --> 00:14:49.120
will say something in Google Translate.

212
00:14:49.200 --> 00:14:51.360
They let me read it, and I look at it

213
00:14:51.440 --> 00:14:55.000
and I'm going, this makes no sense at all.

214
00:14:55.559 --> 00:15:00.000
And originally, originally, when I first started going to age,

215
00:15:00.519 --> 00:15:03.360
I would do that, and I would I would get offended,

216
00:15:03.519 --> 00:15:05.440
or you know, I would it was just like.

217
00:15:05.720 --> 00:15:07.519
What are you trying to say?

218
00:15:07.720 --> 00:15:11.159
And I finally learned that when I look at something

219
00:15:11.200 --> 00:15:13.039
and I'm not sure that you know that's what you

220
00:15:13.080 --> 00:15:15.600
really mean, I'll go back and say, in fact, I

221
00:15:15.759 --> 00:15:17.879
make this agreement with people. I said, you know what,

222
00:15:18.240 --> 00:15:20.639
if I don't understand, I'm going to ask you, could

223
00:15:20.720 --> 00:15:23.799
you re explain that to me? And sometimes when they

224
00:15:23.840 --> 00:15:26.159
do that, and as you say, is I ask a question,

225
00:15:26.759 --> 00:15:29.679
all of a sudden, it's an entirely different.

226
00:15:29.399 --> 00:15:32.200
Meaning than what originally I saw.

227
00:15:32.440 --> 00:15:35.759
And I wonder how many times when we're speaking our

228
00:15:35.759 --> 00:15:39.679
own common language, where someone might say something to us,

229
00:15:40.519 --> 00:15:44.120
and we perceive it as something rather than.

230
00:15:45.639 --> 00:15:46.360
Questioning it.

231
00:15:46.440 --> 00:15:48.120
You know, can you help me understand a little bit

232
00:15:48.120 --> 00:15:49.799
more about what you really mean. I'm not sure I

233
00:15:49.879 --> 00:15:51.480
understand exactly what you're saying.

234
00:15:52.240 --> 00:15:57.120
And the point you're making that this is especially important

235
00:15:57.519 --> 00:16:00.000
when you were speaking with you, the person you would

236
00:16:00.120 --> 00:16:05.000
talk to when you're speaking the same language. Indeed, in

237
00:16:05.120 --> 00:16:09.759
misunderstandings are very often way bigger and you're your Thailand

238
00:16:09.840 --> 00:16:14.600
example kind of sheds light on that. Are you thinking like, yeah, yeah, yeah,

239
00:16:14.639 --> 00:16:18.799
he is speaking English, I speak English. He will understand me,

240
00:16:18.960 --> 00:16:20.960
or she will she will know what I mean.

241
00:16:21.679 --> 00:16:21.799
Uh.

242
00:16:22.519 --> 00:16:25.799
Very often we don't, or we all we put our

243
00:16:25.960 --> 00:16:29.600
own interpretation on that, right, And then in the end

244
00:16:29.759 --> 00:16:33.159
we are totally surprised that the person is doing something

245
00:16:33.240 --> 00:16:36.360
completely unexpected for us, and he's like, why are you

246
00:16:36.360 --> 00:16:37.919
doing that? Yeah, but this is what you told me.

247
00:16:38.279 --> 00:16:39.759
No I did not. Oh yes you did.

248
00:16:39.799 --> 00:16:40.240
No I did not.

249
00:16:40.600 --> 00:16:43.639
So there we are in this in this spiral, right

250
00:16:43.720 --> 00:16:47.080
and asking, especially when you when you're in in a

251
00:16:47.320 --> 00:16:49.480
in a in a different in a different country and

252
00:16:50.120 --> 00:16:53.960
speaking a foreign language or not exactly what you did.

253
00:16:54.080 --> 00:17:00.240
Going back adding another language loop a feedback round. Could

254
00:17:00.279 --> 00:17:04.720
you explain that to me in different words? That is

255
00:17:05.160 --> 00:17:09.839
the absolute door open I always, I always. It's nearly

256
00:17:09.920 --> 00:17:13.920
as saying I love you to someone else, because first

257
00:17:13.920 --> 00:17:16.759
of all, you ask, which means, oh, someone needs me.

258
00:17:16.880 --> 00:17:21.480
This is good, someone oh wants my expertise, Mmmm, this

259
00:17:21.640 --> 00:17:26.759
is brilliant. I am asked to do something. Oh. And

260
00:17:26.799 --> 00:17:30.200
we're always, most of the time is willing to help anyway.

261
00:17:30.680 --> 00:17:34.839
So a good question faced in the right way is

262
00:17:34.880 --> 00:17:39.319
such an emotional door opener. That's unbelievable. And we should

263
00:17:39.519 --> 00:17:43.680
use it more open and more often, and especially too

264
00:17:43.759 --> 00:17:47.480
and with people in conversations. We truly careful and we love.

265
00:17:48.279 --> 00:17:51.200
But how often is it exactly the people we love

266
00:17:51.319 --> 00:17:54.799
most that we treat the worst?

267
00:17:54.880 --> 00:17:57.160
In this particular it's because we think any idea I

268
00:17:57.400 --> 00:18:01.960
mean els what I mean, I don't need this particular

269
00:18:02.799 --> 00:18:06.559
special ground people know and dan we are.

270
00:18:06.359 --> 00:18:12.240
Disappointed when Haaby doesn't know or Lovely comes back with

271
00:18:12.440 --> 00:18:15.799
something wrong, and the disappointment is huge.

272
00:18:16.480 --> 00:18:17.480
Well, and you.

273
00:18:17.519 --> 00:18:22.440
Talk about words, I mean, you think about all of

274
00:18:22.440 --> 00:18:26.640
these imprints that have been placed in our lives from childhood,

275
00:18:26.759 --> 00:18:29.680
all right, and even going beyond that, you think about

276
00:18:29.720 --> 00:18:33.640
the DNA memory and the epigenetics and all of that

277
00:18:33.640 --> 00:18:37.319
that can come out at some point in time. You

278
00:18:37.400 --> 00:18:42.799
talk about words and how does how does someone make

279
00:18:42.839 --> 00:18:47.480
sure that they use words that are not triggering someone else.

280
00:18:47.559 --> 00:18:51.160
I mean, I may say something to me a word,

281
00:18:51.279 --> 00:18:53.680
you know, my perception of a particular word or phrase

282
00:18:53.680 --> 00:18:57.279
that I'm saying is just you know, doesn't mean anything

283
00:18:57.319 --> 00:18:59.160
other than this is just what I'm trying to say.

284
00:18:59.319 --> 00:19:02.279
Someone else listen to those words of that phrase and go,

285
00:19:02.880 --> 00:19:05.920
they're attacking me, or they're they're insulting me or whatever.

286
00:19:06.079 --> 00:19:11.079
So how do we develop that communication intelligence to understand

287
00:19:11.720 --> 00:19:14.160
what type of words we need to use or the

288
00:19:14.200 --> 00:19:16.720
way that we phrase them in a way that it's

289
00:19:16.880 --> 00:19:20.839
not challenging to the other person and starts somewhat of

290
00:19:20.880 --> 00:19:24.279
a confrontation rather than a communication communication.

291
00:19:24.480 --> 00:19:31.160
Yeah, the first thing is to really to accept that

292
00:19:31.240 --> 00:19:37.119
we only can reduce the amount of misunderstandings. And this

293
00:19:37.200 --> 00:19:40.799
is this is brilliant if we can do that, right,

294
00:19:41.119 --> 00:19:44.880
our wish to be completely understood by someone else is

295
00:19:44.920 --> 00:19:49.759
to my in my personal opinion, already a misconception. Okay, yes, okay.

296
00:19:49.839 --> 00:19:53.200
All we can do is to reduce the amount of

297
00:19:53.240 --> 00:19:56.799
misunderstandings because when we when we think like that, when

298
00:19:56.839 --> 00:19:59.960
we feel like that, we are staying way more open

299
00:20:00.160 --> 00:20:03.759
for oh, yeah, I know, I know there will be

300
00:20:03.799 --> 00:20:06.200
a moment of misunderstanding. So this is for me the

301
00:20:06.240 --> 00:20:11.279
first step, except that that there will there won't be

302
00:20:11.759 --> 00:20:15.279
complete and I come an understanding. Then the second one

303
00:20:15.400 --> 00:20:20.119
is whatever word you use, especially with people you do

304
00:20:20.200 --> 00:20:23.519
not know, or that when you have an idea that

305
00:20:23.759 --> 00:20:33.160
could could might trigger something, explain context, give context to

306
00:20:33.440 --> 00:20:37.039
the meaning of that word. Let me let me make

307
00:20:37.079 --> 00:20:40.960
you a very very easy example. When you and I,

308
00:20:42.599 --> 00:20:45.839
in our particular case, we might mean the same thing.

309
00:20:46.279 --> 00:20:49.880
When you and I define happy the word happy, right,

310
00:20:50.880 --> 00:20:54.640
the emotion of happiness, we are talking about a different

311
00:20:54.640 --> 00:21:01.079
emotion then, for instance, people from Eastern community more more

312
00:21:01.200 --> 00:21:06.920
collective cultures. Right in the Eastern cultures, this this happiness

313
00:21:07.160 --> 00:21:14.359
is more connected to serenity inner peace, while in Western

314
00:21:14.680 --> 00:21:19.240
cultures and yeah, happy and you know, excited and alive,

315
00:21:19.440 --> 00:21:26.319
and this is our connotation that happy. So knowing that

316
00:21:26.519 --> 00:21:32.240
there are different connotations, accepting that there was, of course

317
00:21:32.319 --> 00:21:38.359
there will be misunderstanding and give context. So in I

318
00:21:38.400 --> 00:21:41.240
would let's say, I would say yeah, i'm i'm I'm

319
00:21:41.400 --> 00:21:46.039
I'm a very happy person today because it makes me

320
00:21:46.279 --> 00:21:52.200
happy that I could, I could fulfill I could make

321
00:21:52.319 --> 00:21:56.640
this this client happy today. So and that makes me

322
00:21:56.920 --> 00:22:01.559
very feel very alive. So give content text to my

323
00:22:01.759 --> 00:22:06.079
understanding of happiness or yours. That is the third step

324
00:22:06.119 --> 00:22:10.839
I would I would take because the chance did you

325
00:22:11.000 --> 00:22:15.519
say a word and it opens all doors independent from

326
00:22:15.519 --> 00:22:19.359
the contract you're in? Pooh, I think it is even

327
00:22:19.440 --> 00:22:20.960
too much fast.

328
00:22:21.279 --> 00:22:25.799
Well, and that that takes some consciousness, some intent and

329
00:22:25.839 --> 00:22:28.680
a willingness. And I love what you're saying is so

330
00:22:28.799 --> 00:22:31.640
a willingness to understand that as we use a word,

331
00:22:32.160 --> 00:22:34.799
that we need to explain the context of that word

332
00:22:34.920 --> 00:22:38.000
so that the other person doesn't misunderstand. And you know

333
00:22:38.079 --> 00:22:43.880
you talk about contrasts versus conflict. Now right now, we

334
00:22:43.920 --> 00:22:46.559
are seeing so much conflict.

335
00:22:46.319 --> 00:22:47.359
Going on in the world.

336
00:22:47.640 --> 00:22:51.880
Okay, how how do you define and how do we

337
00:22:52.400 --> 00:22:59.359
differentiate between conflict and contrast? And emotionally, what does that

338
00:22:59.440 --> 00:23:02.799
do to us if we're focusing on contrast rather than conflict.

339
00:23:03.559 --> 00:23:07.119
One is opening doors, one is closing doors. Conflict is

340
00:23:07.119 --> 00:23:10.240
closing doors. But if you look at something that is

341
00:23:10.799 --> 00:23:15.920
different from a perspective in the best sense, like a

342
00:23:16.039 --> 00:23:19.799
yourst we go, we go. You go to Thailand, not

343
00:23:19.960 --> 00:23:22.839
because you are on conflicte. You go there to look,

344
00:23:23.240 --> 00:23:27.400
and you do not expect everything to be there like

345
00:23:27.480 --> 00:23:31.680
it is in Utah. You go there and oh, that

346
00:23:32.039 --> 00:23:37.279
is different from what I know in wonder in astonishment,

347
00:23:38.119 --> 00:23:46.000
and this is contrast. You accept the other, whatever the

348
00:23:46.039 --> 00:23:52.240
other is, as a different projection from what you are

349
00:23:52.359 --> 00:23:56.640
used to, but without saying, oh this is worse or

350
00:23:56.680 --> 00:24:01.039
better than what I have. It is different. Contrast is

351
00:24:01.240 --> 00:24:06.000
just it has a different color, and my color is wonderful,

352
00:24:06.079 --> 00:24:09.359
and what I see there is wonderful too. So it's

353
00:24:09.440 --> 00:24:17.000
this as well as instead of either or this is

354
00:24:17.119 --> 00:24:19.759
this is what it comes down to. We when you

355
00:24:19.799 --> 00:24:24.160
when you communicate about contrast instead of conflict, it is

356
00:24:24.240 --> 00:24:27.400
as well as oh this is wonderful, and what I

357
00:24:27.480 --> 00:24:30.640
have is wonderful too. And if you put together all

358
00:24:30.680 --> 00:24:33.799
these wonders and one of wonderfulness, I don't know. If

359
00:24:33.839 --> 00:24:38.000
that worn't exist, then I think we are getting we

360
00:24:38.079 --> 00:24:40.440
are getting forward well.

361
00:24:40.519 --> 00:24:42.319
And you know, when it comes to my mind, it's

362
00:24:42.359 --> 00:24:45.599
just slightly different phrase because so many times as I'm.

363
00:24:45.440 --> 00:24:47.559
Working with people, are talking to people and they say, well,

364
00:24:47.559 --> 00:24:49.079
I've got to do this or I've got to do that.

365
00:24:49.640 --> 00:24:52.559
And it's like, well, wait a minute, since when is

366
00:24:52.599 --> 00:24:57.279
it either or when it could be both? And and

367
00:24:57.920 --> 00:25:00.759
you know, and that becomes the key is is understanding

368
00:25:00.799 --> 00:25:03.839
that the perception of people is so different your perception,

369
00:25:04.400 --> 00:25:09.119
my perception can be so different on certain areas, you know,

370
00:25:09.400 --> 00:25:15.160
And yet for me to go into conflict with you

371
00:25:15.200 --> 00:25:17.200
and say, well, why you're wrong ra blah blah blah

372
00:25:17.200 --> 00:25:21.200
blah blah versus Okay, I understand that this is your perception,

373
00:25:22.319 --> 00:25:25.559
not mine, so we can agree to disagree. But you know,

374
00:25:25.799 --> 00:25:28.480
there's a point here that I think so many people

375
00:25:28.519 --> 00:25:31.400
have a challenge. And I think the challenge is this

376
00:25:31.599 --> 00:25:34.119
concept of we need to be right, you know, and

377
00:25:34.680 --> 00:25:38.160
and and I think that's aid universally accepted concept is

378
00:25:38.200 --> 00:25:40.759
we need to be right, and yet how do we

379
00:25:40.880 --> 00:25:44.119
how do we overcome that need so that as you

380
00:25:44.200 --> 00:25:47.160
and I are talking and you have, you know, maybe

381
00:25:47.880 --> 00:25:49.960
opposite opposite point of.

382
00:25:50.000 --> 00:25:50.720
View that I do.

383
00:25:51.480 --> 00:25:53.559
And yet we want to remain friends, when we want

384
00:25:53.559 --> 00:25:55.680
to stay in communication, we want to be able to

385
00:25:55.720 --> 00:25:56.880
understand each other, how.

386
00:25:56.759 --> 00:25:58.440
Do we get rid of I need to be right

387
00:25:59.039 --> 00:26:00.240
and develop.

388
00:25:59.839 --> 00:26:05.519
That sense of being willing to not judge, understand that

389
00:26:05.559 --> 00:26:09.400
this is your perception and be okay with that.

390
00:26:10.680 --> 00:26:14.920
I mean, first of all, this is the question you're asking,

391
00:26:15.119 --> 00:26:18.559
is the one billion dollar question, right, And it's the

392
00:26:18.960 --> 00:26:22.279
it's a long, long, long, long journey. A couple of

393
00:26:22.359 --> 00:26:26.400
things I came across. I'm happy to chat with you.

394
00:26:28.960 --> 00:26:37.119
One of the things I found helpful is that people

395
00:26:39.240 --> 00:26:45.519
talk about the light and the shadow. I'm going I'm

396
00:26:45.559 --> 00:26:46.119
going to.

397
00:26:47.640 --> 00:26:53.480
I'm going to Utah next month and I'm not going

398
00:26:53.920 --> 00:27:01.480
to Nevada, explaining, Okay, when you say yes to this,

399
00:27:03.400 --> 00:27:06.680
you automatically say no to a couple of other things.

400
00:27:07.440 --> 00:27:13.720
Now say that, give people context, So don't think people

401
00:27:13.759 --> 00:27:14.559
are stupid.

402
00:27:15.640 --> 00:27:19.880
He said, I'm doing this. I'm going to study this

403
00:27:20.039 --> 00:27:24.359
and I'm not going to study that. Explain your decision,

404
00:27:25.519 --> 00:27:28.960
Explain the shadow side of it. Explain what you're not

405
00:27:29.240 --> 00:27:35.160
going to do. That already helps so to overcome so

406
00:27:35.279 --> 00:27:40.160
many disappointments. Right, So, and it's a first step in

407
00:27:40.440 --> 00:27:43.039
not wanting to be right, because all of a sudden

408
00:27:43.079 --> 00:27:46.839
you see, oh yeah, there is this option the person takes,

409
00:27:46.920 --> 00:27:49.880
and there is a million other option the person cannot take.

410
00:27:50.000 --> 00:27:54.920
Because we all know you cannot do everything right. So

411
00:27:55.000 --> 00:27:59.000
that is a very easy step to get an understanding

412
00:27:59.039 --> 00:28:02.240
of me. Don't need to be right. Then in the

413
00:28:02.319 --> 00:28:06.319
second one, it's a little bit more philosophical than communicational.

414
00:28:07.119 --> 00:28:11.240
I think in many parts of the world, not in

415
00:28:11.279 --> 00:28:17.799
all of them, we can and we are able to

416
00:28:18.000 --> 00:28:21.359
put all these things next to each other and they

417
00:28:21.400 --> 00:28:26.319
will end up as something beautiful. So whenever we say

418
00:28:26.440 --> 00:28:31.720
either or, history has proven that it diminishes what we have,

419
00:28:33.039 --> 00:28:35.920
it doesn't make us richer, not in terms of money,

420
00:28:35.920 --> 00:28:41.400
but in terms of in terms of experience, contact, ideas,

421
00:28:41.519 --> 00:28:45.519
all that. So and I think this is what we

422
00:28:46.200 --> 00:28:49.400
need to learn that there is a good intellectual and

423
00:28:49.480 --> 00:28:55.720
emotional profit. It's profitable emotionally. When we say either or,

424
00:28:56.160 --> 00:29:00.519
we are not want to be right right, But if

425
00:29:00.519 --> 00:29:03.319
we accept that there is a million of truth in

426
00:29:03.359 --> 00:29:08.119
the world. Right, So knowing that it could be profitable,

427
00:29:08.200 --> 00:29:13.640
it doesn't it doesn't take anything away from us. It adds.

428
00:29:14.640 --> 00:29:19.039
It's it's nurturing. It makes it us richer. So that

429
00:29:19.160 --> 00:29:23.079
is that is that entirely other little stuff I would

430
00:29:24.000 --> 00:29:27.240
I would take and and for the rest the third

431
00:29:27.319 --> 00:29:35.160
thing actually, and it might be universal tip. Sometimes it's

432
00:29:37.160 --> 00:29:44.160
an absolute good idea just to say nothing just to

433
00:29:44.279 --> 00:29:47.880
keep your mouth shut. There is a time to talk,

434
00:29:48.000 --> 00:29:51.160
and very often there is a time not to talk.

435
00:29:51.200 --> 00:29:53.599
And I think we are as human beings, we are

436
00:29:53.799 --> 00:29:58.359
very often not very smart in separating this from that.

437
00:29:58.839 --> 00:30:01.839
Okay, Yeah, the main things you say on your website

438
00:30:02.039 --> 00:30:06.000
talking is gold in silence is the beginning of all troubles.

439
00:30:06.039 --> 00:30:10.960
So he explain how you fit that into Sometimes it's best.

440
00:30:10.799 --> 00:30:19.119
Not to talk because actually silence silence is there's two

441
00:30:19.200 --> 00:30:23.599
different ways of silence. Silent is you can be silent

442
00:30:24.200 --> 00:30:29.039
not saying anything, but that being being silent forever. It

443
00:30:29.039 --> 00:30:32.880
doesn't help, of course, right of course talking should be

444
00:30:33.000 --> 00:30:37.440
our natural, natural way of doing things, but it doesn't

445
00:30:37.440 --> 00:30:40.000
mean that you have to talk your way through life.

446
00:30:41.039 --> 00:30:45.880
The pause the pause is a very good idea. Sometimes

447
00:30:46.079 --> 00:30:51.640
just push the pause button, don't say anything, helps a lot.

448
00:30:52.039 --> 00:30:54.559
Okay, So, with all the conflict that's going on in

449
00:30:54.599 --> 00:30:59.240
the world, how would you sit down with two sides

450
00:30:59.559 --> 00:31:04.759
of the conflict and help them to work through with communication,

451
00:31:05.640 --> 00:31:08.720
to start to minimize some of this conflict that's going

452
00:31:08.759 --> 00:31:11.519
on and help them understand it's just contrast.

453
00:31:12.119 --> 00:31:17.519
Yeah, yeah, by in in in this particular case, very

454
00:31:17.759 --> 00:31:24.559
clearly by going back to the humans, of of everybody's humans,

455
00:31:25.000 --> 00:31:30.359
because that is the only thing that, especially as confrontational

456
00:31:30.480 --> 00:31:35.960
as many many conflicts at the moment are, that is

457
00:31:36.079 --> 00:31:39.759
the thing I would I would go down to to

458
00:31:39.839 --> 00:31:45.559
the humanist of the situation, survival, food, the right, the

459
00:31:45.680 --> 00:31:49.519
right to survive, the right to live. And there's a

460
00:31:49.640 --> 00:31:55.640
second one that I have no solution to. To be honest,

461
00:31:56.839 --> 00:32:04.400
I've i slowly but surely, I think we need to

462
00:32:04.440 --> 00:32:12.519
take out religion out of our conflicts the moment we

463
00:32:12.640 --> 00:32:20.000
accept that there's a God for everybody and it's fine

464
00:32:20.079 --> 00:32:24.240
for everybody. That probably would help us, but religion presy

465
00:32:25.279 --> 00:32:29.119
very often that to conflict and not her contrast.

466
00:32:29.680 --> 00:32:32.119
Well, you know, and it's interesting because I think you

467
00:32:32.200 --> 00:32:34.519
get into this concept if I'm right and you're wrong

468
00:32:34.640 --> 00:32:35.880
type of things.

469
00:32:35.920 --> 00:32:36.799
I've been in Thailand.

470
00:32:37.240 --> 00:32:40.240
I've found that one of the things I've enjoyed researching

471
00:32:40.279 --> 00:32:44.359
and studying is the various religions, whether it's Islam or Buddhism,

472
00:32:44.519 --> 00:32:50.240
or Hinduism, obviously, Christianity, Judaism, all of those, and as

473
00:32:50.279 --> 00:32:53.319
I've researched them out pretty deeply, what I found is

474
00:32:53.359 --> 00:32:57.119
that there's a commonality between all of them. In fact,

475
00:32:57.160 --> 00:33:00.839
I've written a little bit down have published it, but

476
00:33:01.759 --> 00:33:04.799
just the commonality between all of them, and it's it's

477
00:33:04.920 --> 00:33:07.119
fascinating to me that if we were to look at

478
00:33:07.160 --> 00:33:13.880
the commonality versus the difference, what what.

479
00:33:13.759 --> 00:33:17.359
That would do in the world would open It would

480
00:33:17.440 --> 00:33:19.799
open a lot of doors. It would open it would

481
00:33:19.799 --> 00:33:23.799
open a lot of dialogue, it would open room room

482
00:33:24.000 --> 00:33:27.240
for for oh, look what I have all beautiful, Look

483
00:33:27.240 --> 00:33:31.680
what what you have? That? And and that would be helpful.

484
00:33:32.000 --> 00:33:38.480
Although honestly, the human aspect and and and the huge

485
00:33:38.480 --> 00:33:40.920
conflicts at the at the world at the moment are

486
00:33:41.440 --> 00:33:45.319
even more important because we are we we have we

487
00:33:45.440 --> 00:33:51.839
have come solow that maybe maybe in Gaza, or maybe

488
00:33:51.960 --> 00:33:55.759
in Sudan or in Yemen, where where there was an

489
00:33:55.759 --> 00:33:59.920
absolutely struggle for survival that people lived there. So we

490
00:34:00.119 --> 00:34:03.400
need to even go deeper to the more basic levels

491
00:34:03.400 --> 00:34:08.840
and bring people that start there back to life, to

492
00:34:09.079 --> 00:34:11.679
go to the U n SDGs. The second one is

493
00:34:11.760 --> 00:34:14.800
and hunger, right, and it looks at the moment we

494
00:34:14.840 --> 00:34:19.000
are further away from that very very human, very basic

495
00:34:19.400 --> 00:34:22.800
thing because we are not even able to feed all

496
00:34:22.880 --> 00:34:26.920
the people on the planet. So again, in many of

497
00:34:26.960 --> 00:34:32.280
these conflict in these conflict areas. This, as bad as

498
00:34:32.320 --> 00:34:36.920
that sounds, is even more important than sitting with the

499
00:34:36.960 --> 00:34:37.840
conflict parties.

500
00:34:38.719 --> 00:34:42.480
So let's talk about getting back to the personal relationships. Now,

501
00:34:42.880 --> 00:34:46.920
you know you talk about you talk about those basic

502
00:34:47.079 --> 00:34:50.639
needs when when we're in a family situation where we're

503
00:34:50.639 --> 00:34:54.159
communicating with our children with their spouse whatever you know, SI,

504
00:34:54.199 --> 00:34:57.039
bif another, and there's all sorts of conflict going on.

505
00:34:57.559 --> 00:35:00.559
Yeah, what in your mind are.

506
00:35:00.440 --> 00:35:05.119
The basics that we need to go back to in

507
00:35:05.159 --> 00:35:10.599
those human relationships rather than world relationships, in the human ones,

508
00:35:10.960 --> 00:35:13.000
What are those basics that we need to go back

509
00:35:13.039 --> 00:35:16.519
to that will help us to create that foundation of

510
00:35:16.679 --> 00:35:18.639
healthy communication.

511
00:35:19.679 --> 00:35:24.480
To give the person you talk to, your daughter or

512
00:35:24.519 --> 00:35:29.639
your uncle or mom or dad doesn't matter in as

513
00:35:29.719 --> 00:35:37.400
often as you can communicate back how you feel in

514
00:35:37.480 --> 00:35:43.000
your heart about that person and communicate how at this

515
00:35:43.400 --> 00:35:52.400
particular moment where you're probably angry. That is a momentary thing, right,

516
00:35:52.719 --> 00:35:57.320
But still the basis of love and understanding of harmony

517
00:35:57.559 --> 00:36:03.000
of connectedness is there. I always call it the vose

518
00:36:03.119 --> 00:36:07.400
colored bubble of love, or sometimes it's love, sometimes it's harmony,

519
00:36:07.480 --> 00:36:10.920
depending how your family is structuring. But going back to

520
00:36:10.960 --> 00:36:15.800
these to these values and then communicate that what you

521
00:36:15.920 --> 00:36:19.159
experience at the moment, did the emotion, the anger or

522
00:36:19.719 --> 00:36:24.480
whatever that is, that this is a momentarily feeling that

523
00:36:24.599 --> 00:36:29.760
does not take away the basis that you have with

524
00:36:30.239 --> 00:36:34.079
that family member, because family is the longest it's the

525
00:36:34.119 --> 00:36:35.400
longest relation we.

526
00:36:35.480 --> 00:36:38.599
Have, right right, And you know, I love I love

527
00:36:38.639 --> 00:36:41.559
what you're talking about as far as take responsibility for

528
00:36:41.599 --> 00:36:45.360
those emotions. You know, I've heard it said before, and

529
00:36:45.519 --> 00:36:47.280
sometimes you can get in trouble saying this.

530
00:36:47.239 --> 00:36:50.679
And doing this, but it's like I've heard this.

531
00:36:51.519 --> 00:36:54.119
You know, if if a conflict is coming up, what

532
00:36:54.119 --> 00:36:55.199
what emotion.

533
00:36:57.119 --> 00:36:57.239
Did?

534
00:36:57.679 --> 00:36:58.880
What emotion came up?

535
00:36:58.920 --> 00:37:01.960
For you? Angry at me? What did I do to

536
00:37:02.000 --> 00:37:03.960
trigger an emotion? But what's the emotion?

537
00:37:04.639 --> 00:37:07.360
And when we take responsibility and or able to say,

538
00:37:07.400 --> 00:37:11.480
you know, what you just said really caused me some upsetness,

539
00:37:12.039 --> 00:37:15.320
but I recognize that I've got some triggers there that

540
00:37:15.360 --> 00:37:16.280
I don't understand.

541
00:37:16.440 --> 00:37:18.760
Can you explain a little bit further about what you

542
00:37:18.840 --> 00:37:19.360
really mean?

543
00:37:19.920 --> 00:37:23.519
We are again that question, right, yes, yes, And once

544
00:37:23.639 --> 00:37:26.440
that happens, all of a sudden, you may find that

545
00:37:26.440 --> 00:37:30.880
that's not what they mean. Yeah, and it's it's at

546
00:37:30.920 --> 00:37:34.079
the moment you asked back a question, or if what

547
00:37:34.239 --> 00:37:38.119
you said creates upsetness or made me angry or made

548
00:37:38.159 --> 00:37:43.679
me confused, you you recognize consciously that you are a

549
00:37:44.000 --> 00:37:49.880
part of that, because it's you recognize at the moment, okay,

550
00:37:50.199 --> 00:37:53.400
it's it's both of us. You said something that has

551
00:37:53.440 --> 00:37:58.000
an impact on me, right, but it's it's both of us.

552
00:37:58.079 --> 00:38:02.039
It's not you, or it's we are in this together.

553
00:38:02.880 --> 00:38:06.320
And indeed, when you when you, when you express okay,

554
00:38:06.679 --> 00:38:11.519
what you just said makes me angry or confused, can

555
00:38:11.559 --> 00:38:14.599
you explain a little bit more about that? All of

556
00:38:14.639 --> 00:38:17.800
a sudden, it's the person probably goes, oh my god, no,

557
00:38:17.840 --> 00:38:20.199
I know, I'm sorry. I didn't want to make you angry.

558
00:38:20.519 --> 00:38:26.119
I just meant. And already you're you're too not just down,

559
00:38:26.320 --> 00:38:30.559
and you're again close to smoking smoking a peace pipe.

560
00:38:30.559 --> 00:38:35.760
You know, you're already back on track mostly And and

561
00:38:35.760 --> 00:38:39.119
and this is what I especially in families, if you're

562
00:38:39.159 --> 00:38:42.840
not speaking up, and this is exactly what I mean

563
00:38:43.079 --> 00:38:47.599
by silence, is the beginning of our troubles. Then this

564
00:38:47.719 --> 00:38:54.239
builds up, and then the anger turns into frustration and

565
00:38:54.679 --> 00:39:00.920
to other things, other emotions that are kind of piling up,

566
00:39:01.000 --> 00:39:06.000
and all of a sudden you see your uncle or whomever,

567
00:39:06.119 --> 00:39:08.920
you speak to your father after two weeks, and all

568
00:39:08.960 --> 00:39:11.280
of a sudden you burst into anger and your father

569
00:39:11.320 --> 00:39:16.039
will say, excuse me, where it just happened? While it's

570
00:39:16.199 --> 00:39:22.000
actually just piled up, Yeah, pile of emotions. You have

571
00:39:22.119 --> 00:39:24.719
to if you would have spoken earlier, if you would

572
00:39:24.719 --> 00:39:27.000
call him, would have called him and say, ada, where

573
00:39:27.039 --> 00:39:31.280
you just said, you know, created upsetness? Could you explain

574
00:39:31.719 --> 00:39:36.800
all of a sudden it bends down and it's not

575
00:39:37.039 --> 00:39:39.559
that not a bad anymore.

576
00:39:40.679 --> 00:39:42.000
And that's Yeah.

577
00:39:42.519 --> 00:39:45.440
You talk about two things that I I'd love to understand.

578
00:39:45.480 --> 00:39:49.400
You talk the power of wow wow and then also

579
00:39:49.719 --> 00:39:54.880
aha aha in conversations, can you can you briefly kind

580
00:39:54.880 --> 00:39:56.199
of go over what you mean by that.

581
00:39:56.880 --> 00:40:00.360
It's a little bit the emotional and the what I

582
00:40:00.480 --> 00:40:03.599
what I said in the beginning, the the facts and

583
00:40:03.679 --> 00:40:07.920
the and the the emotions in the beginning in every conversation. Uh,

584
00:40:07.960 --> 00:40:11.559
these two parts, if you consciously, Papa for a conversation,

585
00:40:12.000 --> 00:40:13.840
should be should be there.

586
00:40:14.440 --> 00:40:14.639
Uh.

587
00:40:14.760 --> 00:40:18.760
The wow is something, Oh, this is what you just

588
00:40:18.840 --> 00:40:24.239
said is beautiful or amazing, or it makes me a

589
00:40:24.239 --> 00:40:27.079
better person, or it does something to me emotionally, and

590
00:40:27.159 --> 00:40:31.039
the aha is oh I learned something. Oh this is

591
00:40:31.119 --> 00:40:34.320
new to me. Oh, thank you for giving me that information.

592
00:40:34.840 --> 00:40:38.440
The mix of these two is, in the end what

593
00:40:38.679 --> 00:40:43.880
makes us listen to people more interested, right, because when

594
00:40:43.920 --> 00:40:49.360
we are interesting and when we are interested, we are

595
00:40:49.400 --> 00:40:55.960
getting this back. Be interested and you'll be interesting. And

596
00:40:56.039 --> 00:40:59.679
the wow is oh, yeah, oh I didn't know that,

597
00:41:00.519 --> 00:41:05.679
and the AHAs all all that you explained it to me, yeah.

598
00:41:05.679 --> 00:41:06.840
Or could you explain more?

599
00:41:07.360 --> 00:41:07.559
You know?

600
00:41:07.719 --> 00:41:09.519
And I think that that's the key.

601
00:41:09.679 --> 00:41:15.360
So you know, how how do people develop these levels

602
00:41:15.360 --> 00:41:17.199
of the conversational intelligence?

603
00:41:17.239 --> 00:41:18.480
How how are you going.

604
00:41:18.440 --> 00:41:21.880
To if I've never really been taught that, how are

605
00:41:21.920 --> 00:41:27.079
you going to teach me these aspects so that I

606
00:41:27.079 --> 00:41:32.000
can be a better conversationalist and have less conflict and

607
00:41:32.159 --> 00:41:33.119
more understanding?

608
00:41:34.239 --> 00:41:39.920
Starting starting always with you teaching you being more conscious

609
00:41:39.960 --> 00:41:44.800
about your own words. By beginning is listening to yourself.

610
00:41:45.440 --> 00:41:51.239
What are the words you are using, what a suitonality

611
00:41:51.599 --> 00:41:56.719
you are using? How do you speak? And the I'm

612
00:41:56.719 --> 00:42:00.800
going a little bit deeper into why why do you

613
00:42:00.920 --> 00:42:04.360
think that word isn't particular? Is a particular strong word?

614
00:42:04.639 --> 00:42:10.519
Or why you're using more bad word? You know very often,

615
00:42:10.559 --> 00:42:16.119
for instance, people use filling filling words. I think maybe

616
00:42:16.159 --> 00:42:19.639
maybe it's one of these filling words, right, No, I'm

617
00:42:19.679 --> 00:42:23.480
not one hundred percent sure. I'm putting a little bit

618
00:42:23.519 --> 00:42:27.840
maybe m h. When when someone uses this this, I'm

619
00:42:27.920 --> 00:42:31.360
using this just as an example. Frequently all the time,

620
00:42:31.960 --> 00:42:34.960
there is a there was a story behind that. Is

621
00:42:34.960 --> 00:42:39.280
it insecurity or is it that you want open to

622
00:42:39.639 --> 00:42:42.119
one you want to open the doors for the other person,

623
00:42:42.159 --> 00:42:46.719
So I don't want to judge you, right, So, and

624
00:42:46.760 --> 00:42:53.519
then once you've been conscious about that, then we look

625
00:42:53.559 --> 00:42:57.159
at the outside world where if you if you listen

626
00:42:58.719 --> 00:43:01.920
just two speeches to the news, to you know, to

627
00:43:02.039 --> 00:43:05.320
people around you, in in the car or in the subway,

628
00:43:05.480 --> 00:43:10.280
at the gas station, wherever you are, what are the

629
00:43:10.840 --> 00:43:16.320
conversations you you like, you're drown to. So we start

630
00:43:17.599 --> 00:43:21.519
building your own feedback towards Oh yeah, I like and

631
00:43:21.679 --> 00:43:26.119
when he speaks, I'm listening when he speaks, I don't, Aha,

632
00:43:26.280 --> 00:43:28.840
why is that not? Then we come back to tonalogy,

633
00:43:29.440 --> 00:43:34.000
a choice of words, the sometimes body language on a

634
00:43:34.039 --> 00:43:39.559
subconscious level, and then we build your portfolio, right and

635
00:43:39.679 --> 00:43:43.039
from there, from there we go into the interaction with

636
00:43:43.119 --> 00:43:43.559
the people.

637
00:43:44.599 --> 00:43:47.880
That's so time has gone by fast.

638
00:43:50.400 --> 00:43:50.639
Yeah.

639
00:43:50.800 --> 00:43:54.599
So number one, if you were to just and you

640
00:43:54.719 --> 00:43:56.920
said so many really good things, If you were to

641
00:43:56.960 --> 00:44:00.239
put together some short message you want to share with

642
00:44:00.320 --> 00:44:03.679
the audience regarding communication, what would that be?

643
00:44:05.159 --> 00:44:11.920
Start with a question? Listen to yourself, how do you speak?

644
00:44:12.000 --> 00:44:17.159
And why do you do that? Whom do you listen

645
00:44:17.239 --> 00:44:22.960
to with an open heart and an open mind? And

646
00:44:23.000 --> 00:44:26.920
why do you listen to that person more interested or

647
00:44:26.960 --> 00:44:31.639
interesting than to other people? Take notes? Take note, write

648
00:44:31.639 --> 00:44:35.840
it down. Why isn't that person I'm drawn to in

649
00:44:35.920 --> 00:44:43.599
their communication open? Be as open as possible. Build in

650
00:44:43.719 --> 00:44:50.639
feedback globes, ask for context, ask for explanation, and make

651
00:44:50.719 --> 00:44:56.440
sure that what you said could be explained as well,

652
00:44:56.599 --> 00:45:02.800
so that again we can with you the misunderstandings. You

653
00:45:02.880 --> 00:45:06.199
will probably never get rid of them completely.

654
00:45:06.960 --> 00:45:12.199
But that's yeah, that's wonderful. So what is it?

655
00:45:12.719 --> 00:45:15.519
I know your main focus is working with businesses, right,

656
00:45:16.719 --> 00:45:18.360
Do you work with individuals at all?

657
00:45:18.480 --> 00:45:23.000
Yeah? No, In every business, businesses are built from individuals, right.

658
00:45:23.639 --> 00:45:26.159
I mean it's the it's the human beings, it's the

659
00:45:26.239 --> 00:45:27.639
people who make a business.

660
00:45:27.880 --> 00:45:29.840
Right, So how do people find you?

661
00:45:30.960 --> 00:45:34.119
Of course I'm the classical of that and linked In

662
00:45:34.159 --> 00:45:38.639
person right, and my name is pretty uncommon, katyas Daja,

663
00:45:38.800 --> 00:45:42.400
So my website is katyas Daja dot com and there

664
00:45:42.440 --> 00:45:46.159
was only two two people with my name on LinkedIn,

665
00:45:46.320 --> 00:45:49.519
so I'm easy to find there as well. I'm media

666
00:45:49.599 --> 00:45:53.280
coaching on Twitter. Who wants to Oh, it's it's excellent.

667
00:45:53.440 --> 00:45:57.000
I'm sorry, who wants to find me there? And yes,

668
00:45:57.119 --> 00:46:00.159
I'm on Insta and I'm on TikTok but not so

669
00:46:00.280 --> 00:46:01.760
active actually.

670
00:46:02.280 --> 00:46:04.920
Okay, And with those other sites, are you mainly just

671
00:46:05.039 --> 00:46:08.079
talking about this or are you offering one to one

672
00:46:08.280 --> 00:46:10.559
consultations or how does that work? Yeah?

673
00:46:10.599 --> 00:46:13.239
Yeah, that's very simple. It's it's it's you, you know.

674
00:46:13.440 --> 00:46:15.920
You write an email to me, or you could even

675
00:46:16.519 --> 00:46:20.920
call me. Very simple. You dial a number, imagine, and

676
00:46:21.000 --> 00:46:23.159
I'll pick up the phone and say hello, does scotcha

677
00:46:23.239 --> 00:46:26.840
who's there? Yeah, it's easy, and let me talk and

678
00:46:26.320 --> 00:46:30.119
then indeed you can have a one am consultation.

679
00:46:30.840 --> 00:46:33.960
Yeah, how wonderful, wonderful, Thank you so much.

680
00:46:34.239 --> 00:46:38.760
I think this is such an important conversation that nobody

681
00:46:38.840 --> 00:46:44.400
really thinks about, and yet it's the communication that makes

682
00:46:44.400 --> 00:46:50.000
the difference in this world between peace and conflict, and

683
00:46:50.599 --> 00:46:53.199
that's too bad. But anyway, thanks so much for being

684
00:46:53.239 --> 00:46:53.719
on this show.

685
00:46:53.840 --> 00:46:54.880
Really appreciate it.

686
00:46:55.480 --> 00:46:57.960
Thank you very much for having me think Dan.

687
00:46:58.320 --> 00:47:01.559
You've bet folks, thanks for listening, have a wonderful week

688
00:47:01.679 --> 00:47:04.599
and hopefully we'll all improve our conversation a bit.

689
00:47:05.079 --> 00:47:09.559
This is doctor Doug Sane. Now Mistay