Aug. 7, 2024

Coming Back to Life

Coming Back to Life

Families are considered one of the most important entities in this world, and yet often the struggles we face in family relationships can be most difficult. And we can change that through self discovery and emotional healing.
Rebeccah SIlence is a...

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Families are considered one of the most important entities in this world, and yet often the struggles we face in family relationships can be most difficult. And we can change that through self discovery and emotional healing.
Rebeccah SIlence is a Self Healing & Relationship Expert.
She will discuss the importance of communication as well as living authentically so that we can then be an instrument in the peace and joy that a family can experience.
https://rebeccahsilence.com

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WEBVTT

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This program is designed to provide general information with regards

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to the subject matters covered. This information is given with

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the understanding that neither the hosts, guests, sponsors, or station

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are engaged in rendering any specific and personal medical, financial,

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legal counseling, professional service, or any advice.

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You should seek the services.

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Of competent professionals before applying or trying any suggested ideas.

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At the end of the day, it's not about what

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you have or even what you've accomplished. It's about what

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you've done with those accomplishments. It's about who you've lifted up,

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who you've made better. It's about what you've given back.

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Denzel Washington, Welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is

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to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you to.

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Do the same.

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Rebecca, Welcome to the show.

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Hello, Doctor Tug.

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I'm awfored to be here and I'm ready for a

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life changing conversation.

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Oh. I look forward to it, and I hope the

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audience is going to really get something out of this

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because I think one of the most important areas and

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I keep bringing it up in other discussions that they

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don't expect is the family and how important the family is,

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and how important it is that we understand these relationships

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and how to keep them going. So what I'd love

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for you to do is introduce yourself and kind of

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tell your story. How what journey do you go through

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to get to the point of your doing now? And

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I know you have some incredible things that you've done,

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and I want you to talk about that too.

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Okay, Well, I am Rebecca Silence, and I am the

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space where all healing is possible. And what I mean

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when I say the word healing is freedom and liberation.

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So I'm someone who's basically taken the trauma conversation and

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disrupted it because it so often we're talking about trauma

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in a way where we're trying to live in spite

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of we're trying to overcome and survive, and it isn't

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something we think we can fully heal. I'm making the

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trauma conversation a very empowering conversation, saying the impossible thing

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you think you have to live with, no matter what,

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making the best of it, no matter what, living in

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spite of it, no matter what.

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You can actually heal. So I am someone who.

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Has to live what I teach day and day out,

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one breath after another, one stuff at a time.

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And my story is a story of survival.

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But that's not my greatest testimony when I say healing.

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Is possible, it's the life I.

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Have now in my home, now, with the family I

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have now. So I grew up in domestic violence regardless

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of what I understood and knew. I had become an

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expert in human behavior on so many levels with a

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master's degree counseling as a nationally board certified music therapist,

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the information didn't matter.

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I had my first marriage.

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As my childhood recreated another domestic violence situation, even with

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all my understandings. So in my second half of my twenties,

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I'm getting out of domestic violence marriage with a two

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year old, with all this understanding that I didn't know

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how to implement. So after the divorce, I decided I

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have to be way more integrated.

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I don't know how to do it, but I.

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Know there has to be a way to actually heal

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the root of where pain comes from and where trauma

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gets reactivated. And so I went to work on living

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what I teach and creating my own methodologies and processes

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that saved my life on so many levels. I was suicidal,

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I was a music alcohol I was boleiemic and just

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abusing myself so much because I was garranting myself the

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way I was parented. And if we don't learn how

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to unlearn and undo again, it doesn't matter. Mindset and

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strategy won't be enough, your understanding of the why behind

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your behaviors, it doesn't matter. What I teach now is

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what I call the practice of emotional healing, where it

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really is about nervous system regulation and emotional clarity that

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allows you to transcend any circumstance. You can plug into

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your spiritual GPS, how you want to feel and who

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you want to be and become those things. And the

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practice of emotional healing was something I was getting pretty

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good at.

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And then I got diagnosed with cancer.

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I had a successful private practice, I was on the radio,

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I was waitlisting client six months and I got diagnosed

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with cancer after getting married a second time and pregnant

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a second time, and I remember thinking, doctor dud and

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to all of you beautiful hearts listening, huh, it's really

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easy to be my best when everything is going great.

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Who am I going to be now?

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And I had to implement the practice of emotional healing,

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which saved my life because I was only given a

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five percent chance to live and all the doctors were

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telling me it was time to prepare my will, it

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was time to prepare.

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For my death.

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I was thirty four and I was unwilling to believe

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I was going to die. So for me, it took

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cancer to really integrate and to put into place the

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spiritual work of being emotionally heal healed, which guided me

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in leading my own help and cancer journey into getting

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to this point today.

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Well, and you already talk about the cancer.

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What happened there? And do you feel like some of

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what you went through was part of healing the cancer

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or was it American situation or what went on?

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I had a melanoma that had already I didn't understand

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skin cancer. So I was coaching a plastic surgeon and

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his wife and they were like, you're here to save

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our marriage.

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But actually, Rebecca, this.

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Thing on your arm that isn't good. Come into the

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office at seven am tomorrow. Let us take this off.

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And I thought, well, even if it's cancer, it's skin cancer, right,

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so you can just cut it off. Well, I didn't understand,

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these cancer cells that are malignant spread like wildfire through

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your body.

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So I think about cancer physically and also.

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Emotionally in that there really was physical cancer in my body.

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It was already in my lymph nodes.

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I have no symptoms. It was super confusing, and I

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was so young. And then, you know, I will never

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forget the moment that I realized I'm in bed. I

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have had twenty cancer related surgeries and I ended up

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quitting chemo after four and a half months because the

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chemo I was on was literally killing me. All the

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nerves down my right leg were dying and I had

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what's called drop. But I was in so much pain,

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I was losing my marbles and my memory. I wasn't

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really sure what was going on. So much of the

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time I decided I'm going to quit chemo. And I

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disclaimer don't recommend anybody quits chemo. I recommend you get

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so clear, you follow your guidance system. But your question

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is amazing when it comes to how did my past

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play into the cancer, Because I'll never forget the moment

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I realized this isn't a reactivation of my trauma. My

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trauma prepared me if I could survive that, I can

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survive this, and I know how to commit to staying

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alive and to resilience in impossible situations. And if I

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can survive the incest of my childhood, I can beat this.

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And there that was the moment.

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That healed me, became in charge of the mission called

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healing and saving my life when it came to the cancer,

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when I recognized.

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All that, Wow, and it's gone.

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It's gone. I just this last week, a week and

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a half ago, had.

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Two more surgeries at once where they take excisions, like

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just chunks out of me basically that have I've got,

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you know, a bandage right here so you can't really

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see on my face, but I had a spot on

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my face and a spot on my right shin.

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I will be under the microscope the rest of my life.

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I walk around every day with a brain tumor that's

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benign and unrelated to the cancer. But they caught it

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right before I started chemo, so I have to have

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scans every two years to check on the tumor to

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see if we're going to surgically remove it or not.

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I like to say the tumor is why I'm psychic.

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My tumor, my portal divine intelligence. You know, I don't

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want to get rid of it, but I.

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Will be And I say this lightly, but it is serious.

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You know, at the oncology hospital every three months, probably

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for the rest of my life, and they will keep

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cutting and taking the spots off off of me that

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are pre cancerous or cancerous or could become pre cancerous

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or cancerous. And the thing I know for sure, I

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don't have to ever go back to the hospital again.

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I don't have to agree to any of these surgeries.

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And I really look at life now from a place

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of the healed me gets to choose, and it's all

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a choice, and I choose to let myself be this

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cared for.

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I don't experience it as a violation.

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Anymore or as you know, a trauma, having these surgeries

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or having these scans or going to the hospital. I

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look at it like I'm in charge. I'm a choice.

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I don't have to do anything. I'm well, and I

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just follow my guidance. And for all of you listening,

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that is the most inspired vision you could have for

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your life.

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You're in control of your life.

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You are in control of your happiness and your joy

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and your destiny and you are at choice. There is

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never not a choice, and sometimes it's very non prefit

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diferential the moments we find ourselves in where there's a

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choice to make, but we still have a choice. And

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to me, that's everything.

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Well, and you got motivated to write the book coming

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Back to Life? What was the background of that and

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what motivated you to write that book?

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Well, the whole I survived, and I am more free

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than I've ever been. Experience of cancer made it very

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clear it's time to move from a one to one

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business model and really move into a one to many.

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And while I have survived so much, that's not why

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the book is called Coming Back to Life, A roadmap

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to heal from pain, to create the life you want.

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Every client I've.

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Had thousands in my private practice says to me, I

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just came to life.

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And in so.

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Many cases, these are high functioning, high achieving, high performing

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difference makers that I coach. So they weren't not alive

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or not of service, but they didn't even read how

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much more was available to them in terms of what

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they could be experiencing of themselves.

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And of life.

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And I believe, above all else, our job is to

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get the most out of our one precious life and

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to be the best we can be, not in a

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positive way, but in a way that that's possible.

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Yeah. And you know what comes to my mind as

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you just said that is how many times do we

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actually go through a rebirth?

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Yeah?

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And you know, you know people talk about multiple lives

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and so forth. The reality is is that we can

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experience multiple lives quote in this life by being able

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to make those changes, which I think is fascinating. So

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what what ultimately motivated you to move into this whole

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aspect of fixing families and working with families.

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Yeah? Well, I believe that we all have a dream

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of love.

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And when people say I don't know what I want,

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I don't know what I want to be when I

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grow up, what I know is they want to be loved.

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We all want to be loved at the end of

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the day, I think above all else.

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And for me, growing up the way I did the

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first marriage being what it was, I wanted family the

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way always imagined I could have it, and then I

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created it. And then all I wanted was to help

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anybody else that wanted that have that for themselves. And

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the trick is it can't be contingent on your family

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members that you get your dream of family.

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This is where we get all messed up.

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But what happens is without doing some deep emotional healing

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and trauma work that no one is immune to. If

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you want your dream of family, we've all got heartbreak.

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I don't care who you are. Heartbreak is a form

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of trauma. We've all got trauma. And the good news

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is once we heal the family trauma that we grew

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up in, whatever that looks like to us, create whatever

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we want. Without healing our family of origin trauma, we're

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fighting with the ghosts of our past and projecting onto

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the people we love and work with. Now you're my dad.

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Now you're my wicked stepmother. Now you're my brother. Now

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you're my evil grandmother. You're the babysitter that abuse me.

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Even in workplace, right, it's all family coaching when I

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go in and do corporate training, because without that healing,

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everybody just becomes somebody that hurt us without us even

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realizing it.

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When we recognize that and do the deep healing work.

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Now i'm me and I see you for you, and

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I get to have boundaries and decide what works for me,

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what doesn't, ask.

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For what I need.

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Not only can we have multiple lives in one lifetime,

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we can have multiple relationships in one relationship.

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But until we've.

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Cleared the past, it's not the healed me, and I'm

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just reactivated dealing with somebody else that's reactivated. And so

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I just want people to have the experience of joy

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and peace and love that's possible for them in family

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if they want it. And for you know, fifteen years

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of my private practice, I was Vanilla Ice the rapper.

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If you had a problem, I would solve it. I

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was everything to everyone.

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And then I just decided family is my focus because

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I want kids to have healed parents, and I want

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those that want it to have their dream come true

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love story and their ideal experience of family.

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Well, and you know, you made a comment which I

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just loved about parenting ourselves the way we have been parented.

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I've never heard of put that way before, but I

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love it because it's true. We tend to, you know,

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control ourselves the way that we've been quote control or affected.

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By our upbringing by our parents.

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And and so number one, how do we reach that

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level of awareness that says, Okay, this.

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Is not the life I want. Yeah, I want something different.

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Yeah.

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The most important thing to understand is there's two directions

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we can go in right, avoiding our pain or pursuing

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our pleasure. And I don't think we wake up one

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day and we know who we are. I think we

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wake up one day and we know enough something's got

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to give. But what most people do when they reach

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that point of enough something's got to give is they

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try to change the scenery around them. They try to

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change their circumstances, the people in their lives.

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They're not going.

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I got to really get honest with myself about how

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I want to feel and what I want for me.

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It is the most important question to answer. And that's

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what I'm talking about. The direction of pursuing pleasure is

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about being courageous enough and honest enough to go I'm

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following my guidance in the direction of what I want,

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versus I'm avoiding pain, I'm avoiding disappointment, I'm avoiding more heartbreak,

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I'm avoiding more hurt.

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And we think until other.

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People approve and buy in and give us permission to

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be who we are, it's not safe and it's not acceptable.

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And I'm here to say there is never gonna be

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a good time. You are never going to be safe

305
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enough to be brave enough to be you, and to

306
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figure out what that means, You're gonna have to be

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brave and let people react and know the scenery changing

308
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will never change how you feel on the inside. And

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what we're really after is feeling fulfilled and feeling like

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we know ourselves, love ourselves.

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And trust ourselves.

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And until you're there with you, the world isn't going

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to reflect it back, and someday isn't coming. So it's

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about recognizing that day you wake up and you go,

315
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I don't want to live like this anymore. It's time

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to heal your survival self and design your healed self well.

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And you know, you talk about families, and I mean,

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I've got four kids, and occasionally we have the conversation of, Okay,

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especially with what I'm learning on these podcasts, what did

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I do as a parent that has affected you in

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00:17:30.240 --> 00:17:32.720
a positive way? And we've talked about that and they're

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00:17:32.799 --> 00:17:35.279
very grateful and they're very kind about that, And what

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are some of the things perhaps that I did that

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may have affected you in a negative way? And what

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I think that we don't understand as parents is that

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our children have their own perception. And so I can

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say something to my mind a very kind situation, I

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can say something and in their mind and in their perception,

329
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I may be criticizing them, or you know, they may

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have that perception. How do we help parents learn how

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to create the best environment possible in that family so

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that we don't causes many of those perceptions to occur

333
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within our children when in fact that's not our intent,

334
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but it happens. So is there a way for parents

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to learn how to communicate, learn how to be in

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order to create a much healthier environment so that our

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kids have the best chance of growing up without a

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lot of those triggers.

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Yes, And in so many families, the parent isn't realizing

340
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that they are repeating history and passing along because of

341
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generational trauma patterns. More of here's how we deal with

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00:18:54.720 --> 00:18:57.920
this that we don't even have to normalize.

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So, for example, I had a client ones who was.

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Projecting her mother onto her daughter and she didn't even

345
00:19:03.799 --> 00:19:09.480
realize it. Women were beaten down in her history in

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her family, and her mom beat her down, and she

347
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had resentment towards her mom, and she never dealt with

348
00:19:15.559 --> 00:19:17.680
it with her mom, so now she's playing it out

349
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with her own kid.

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Right.

351
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There's so much that we can do as parents to

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break the cycle, and it's not fair to put it

353
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on our kids that they have to show up outside

354
00:19:30.960 --> 00:19:33.720
of the cycle for us to know we've broken the cycle.

355
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Your kids aren't a reflection of how good you've done

356
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at breaking generational trauma cycles.

357
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How you feel is the metric.

358
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What we want is for your kids to be who

359
00:19:47.519 --> 00:19:50.359
they are, not who they're expected to be. What we

360
00:19:50.440 --> 00:19:52.839
want is for your kids to have a clean slate

361
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to decide. They have free will and agency. Cause and

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00:19:56.400 --> 00:19:59.680
effect is the best lesson we can teach our kids.

363
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You make a choice, there will be an effect. Did

364
00:20:03.359 --> 00:20:06.680
the effect match what you hoped for in terms of

365
00:20:06.720 --> 00:20:10.160
your outcome? And if not, what different decision could you make?

366
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At cause? That is the lesson to teach our kids,

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not how to brace for and survive the guaranteed trauma

368
00:20:17.799 --> 00:20:21.480
and heartbreak and harshness of the world that without meaning

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to we can try to prepare them for.

370
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So your job is to be healed and clear.

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In a space to understand what's important to your kid,

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what do they value, what do they want, what do

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00:20:37.319 --> 00:20:40.359
they dream for, what do they hope for? Help them

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with their self esteem, help them understand cause and effect

375
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is something that if they master it, they are free

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for the rest of their lives. And then model living

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your most inspired dream come true life. And no no

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00:20:55.599 --> 00:20:57.839
matter what you do as a parent, your kid will

379
00:20:57.880 --> 00:21:01.799
have an issue with something. It plays out what they

380
00:21:01.839 --> 00:21:04.599
need to heal through and grow through and it has

381
00:21:04.680 --> 00:21:08.839
nothing to do with you. So their upset with you

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00:21:09.559 --> 00:21:13.599
is their upset period directed at you because they don't

383
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know how to understand it.

384
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But you being clear and you being a space for

385
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them to be them that's the game.

386
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And you living your best life, never putting it on

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hold because of they might be feeling some kind of

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00:21:29.000 --> 00:21:29.880
a way about you.

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Live fully no matter what, show them that that's a

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possibility for them.

391
00:21:35.200 --> 00:21:38.839
Well. And you know, you have so many parents that

392
00:21:39.839 --> 00:21:42.359
really say to their children, this is how you need

393
00:21:42.400 --> 00:21:44.599
to be, this is how you need race. I mean,

394
00:21:45.000 --> 00:21:47.799
I grew up in a family five boys, one girl,

395
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and my dad was a university professor and he said

396
00:21:52.079 --> 00:21:55.799
that every one of us you will be professionals. And

397
00:21:56.400 --> 00:21:58.960
I know that that and we all did. But I

398
00:21:59.039 --> 00:22:02.640
know that that really has probably played a role in

399
00:22:03.200 --> 00:22:06.880
many areas of our lives that we haven't thought about.

400
00:22:07.079 --> 00:22:10.839
How do parents? How do parents.

401
00:22:10.519 --> 00:22:13.839
Get to the point where they recognize number one, that

402
00:22:13.880 --> 00:22:18.240
they've got to work on themselves. And number two, it's

403
00:22:18.400 --> 00:22:23.960
interesting how so many parents watch their children and their behavior,

404
00:22:24.599 --> 00:22:27.960
and if their child does something for some reason, it

405
00:22:28.000 --> 00:22:31.400
seems like the parent takes it personally, gets very angry

406
00:22:32.039 --> 00:22:36.920
and starts to even do greater control over that child,

407
00:22:37.000 --> 00:22:41.680
whether it's punishment or whatever. How do parents overcome that

408
00:22:42.319 --> 00:22:45.319
and recognize that, you know what, your child does have

409
00:22:45.359 --> 00:22:48.960
their own values, they do have their own motivators. Yes,

410
00:22:49.039 --> 00:22:52.000
as a parent, you're there to teach them some correct

411
00:22:52.039 --> 00:22:55.200
principles of kindness and love and empathy and all of

412
00:22:55.200 --> 00:22:58.839
those type of things. But at the same time, how

413
00:22:58.880 --> 00:23:03.920
do we as parents eliminate that judgment that causes us

414
00:23:03.920 --> 00:23:07.480
when our children do something that we don't agree with. Yeah,

415
00:23:07.599 --> 00:23:10.200
rather than going in and judging them and making them

416
00:23:10.200 --> 00:23:12.839
feel worse, how do we overcome that as parents?

417
00:23:13.559 --> 00:23:15.319
It's such a big question inside.

418
00:23:15.319 --> 00:23:16.680
I don't so.

419
00:23:17.000 --> 00:23:19.799
I mean, here's here's the deal. We're not trying to

420
00:23:19.920 --> 00:23:25.279
spiritually bypass our own humanity. Okay, we are human. The

421
00:23:25.359 --> 00:23:28.359
goal is to catch it quicker and quicker and course correct,

422
00:23:28.440 --> 00:23:32.599
quicker and quicker. Right, So you know when you feel

423
00:23:32.640 --> 00:23:34.839
at peace inside. I'm going to try to make this

424
00:23:35.279 --> 00:23:38.160
that is so complicated as simple as possible. You know

425
00:23:38.240 --> 00:23:40.559
when you feel like you, you know when you feel alive,

426
00:23:40.759 --> 00:23:41.960
you know when you feel peace.

427
00:23:42.559 --> 00:23:44.200
That means you're regulated.

428
00:23:44.720 --> 00:23:48.160
If you're disregulated, we want to be aware of that

429
00:23:48.319 --> 00:23:51.160
as much as possible, the difference between am I regulated

430
00:23:51.240 --> 00:23:56.640
or am I disregulated? If you're disregulated, take space and regulate.

431
00:23:56.359 --> 00:23:57.960
Before you try to lead.

432
00:23:58.160 --> 00:24:01.359
Whether it's your kids, or your team, or whoever is

433
00:24:01.400 --> 00:24:04.279
in front of you. And the thing about triggers is

434
00:24:04.920 --> 00:24:08.359
they are never a problem. They are the gateway to

435
00:24:08.559 --> 00:24:09.559
the healing.

436
00:24:09.279 --> 00:24:10.240
That you need.

437
00:24:10.640 --> 00:24:15.559
You don't necessarily want healing. Likely what you want is resilience, right,

438
00:24:15.640 --> 00:24:20.039
But what we need when they're disregulated is emotional healing again,

439
00:24:20.160 --> 00:24:23.599
not more mindset and strategy. Traditional therapy doesn't work because

440
00:24:23.599 --> 00:24:26.839
you're trying to deal with emotions through the mind. You're

441
00:24:26.839 --> 00:24:30.839
trying to intellectually figure out what to do instead of

442
00:24:30.880 --> 00:24:33.440
looking at who you're being. So in a moment with

443
00:24:33.519 --> 00:24:36.240
your kid where you're taking something personally, or they're coming

444
00:24:36.319 --> 00:24:37.079
at you.

445
00:24:37.079 --> 00:24:39.920
You know, I hate you? How could you? You're ruining

446
00:24:39.960 --> 00:24:40.400
my life.

447
00:24:40.400 --> 00:24:42.519
We've all had it. I have three kids. I've heard it,

448
00:24:42.759 --> 00:24:45.680
even from the nine year old. I've heard you know,

449
00:24:46.319 --> 00:24:47.759
they're mad at me or whatever.

450
00:24:48.200 --> 00:24:49.519
And that's fine.

451
00:24:49.640 --> 00:24:53.799
But the point is when I take it on, I

452
00:24:53.920 --> 00:24:58.519
perpetuate the trauma cycle when I go. You are welcome

453
00:24:58.599 --> 00:25:01.640
to your feelings their value. You are welcome to your emotions,

454
00:25:01.680 --> 00:25:04.759
they're valid. You are welcome to what you need and

455
00:25:04.799 --> 00:25:06.519
what you want. It's all valid.

456
00:25:07.079 --> 00:25:07.680
But I'm not.

457
00:25:07.920 --> 00:25:11.319
Going to stand here and take disrespect. We're going to

458
00:25:11.400 --> 00:25:14.839
communicate respectfully until we get to a solution.

459
00:25:14.759 --> 00:25:16.640
That works for us both. That's the goal.

460
00:25:17.000 --> 00:25:21.119
So ask them more questions without taking it on. Don't

461
00:25:21.160 --> 00:25:24.960
take on their pain. Be the one that models regulation

462
00:25:25.519 --> 00:25:28.640
and clarity and the space for if you have a

463
00:25:28.720 --> 00:25:32.559
request that's respectful. I'm here to listen if there's something

464
00:25:32.599 --> 00:25:34.839
you need from me, if there's something you want from me,

465
00:25:34.880 --> 00:25:38.960
if you haven't ask it, better be respectful, and then

466
00:25:39.119 --> 00:25:41.240
I'll let you know what I'm available for from there.

467
00:25:41.640 --> 00:25:46.559
And really, just knowing their upset doesn't mean you fail

468
00:25:46.599 --> 00:25:51.519
disapparent and them triggering you doesn't mean anything is wrong

469
00:25:51.640 --> 00:25:55.279
or bad. Trust in the foundation of the relationship. You're

470
00:25:55.359 --> 00:25:56.920
killing trying to find their way.

471
00:25:57.240 --> 00:25:59.720
Yeah, and it sounds like what you're saying is the

472
00:25:59.799 --> 00:26:02.839
key is that when I get triggered as a parent,

473
00:26:04.599 --> 00:26:06.480
I need to look at that trigger.

474
00:26:06.519 --> 00:26:09.400
In that way, Where did that come from?

475
00:26:09.759 --> 00:26:12.079
And how do I deal with that? And I love

476
00:26:12.160 --> 00:26:14.559
how you talked about the fact that this communication with

477
00:26:14.640 --> 00:26:17.799
your children and really understanding them. There seems to be

478
00:26:17.839 --> 00:26:23.640
such a quote judgment that exists within parents that when

479
00:26:23.680 --> 00:26:26.680
they're when our children do something that we don't necessarily

480
00:26:26.799 --> 00:26:30.559
agree with or it doesn't meet our quote values, that

481
00:26:30.599 --> 00:26:34.119
there's a judgment that occurs within us internally, which then

482
00:26:34.160 --> 00:26:37.319
causes all sorts of issues. How do we start to

483
00:26:37.359 --> 00:26:41.359
eliminate that judgment? I mean, you know, there's the concept

484
00:26:41.400 --> 00:26:43.920
of you know, judge, not that you be not judged,

485
00:26:44.000 --> 00:26:47.480
that type of thing, But that's that's easy to say.

486
00:26:47.519 --> 00:26:49.880
How do we get to the point as a parent

487
00:26:50.559 --> 00:26:54.319
where we minimize that judgment? And there's a difference I

488
00:26:54.319 --> 00:26:59.039
think between judgment and making sure that our kids are

489
00:26:59.079 --> 00:27:01.160
okay and hopefully heading in the right direction.

490
00:27:02.000 --> 00:27:04.200
Yeah, Well, the thing is we're never going to really

491
00:27:04.240 --> 00:27:06.079
be able to make sure our kids are okay and

492
00:27:06.119 --> 00:27:08.599
headed in the right direction. We have to trust that

493
00:27:08.640 --> 00:27:12.519
we really cared enough to learn about their values and

494
00:27:12.599 --> 00:27:17.519
to help them live their values unapologetically in the direction

495
00:27:17.599 --> 00:27:20.400
that works for them right. But we're not trying to

496
00:27:20.440 --> 00:27:24.559
bypass judgment. We're trying to recognize when I am judging you,

497
00:27:25.279 --> 00:27:29.079
that's just a sign I'm already judging me. But deeper

498
00:27:29.119 --> 00:27:32.319
than that judgment means I'm afraid. I think there's a threat.

499
00:27:32.599 --> 00:27:35.400
And the truth is cancer taught me this, there really

500
00:27:35.480 --> 00:27:38.839
is no threat to our soul's journey and our soul's evolution.

501
00:27:39.279 --> 00:27:42.960
A Course in Miracles is a profoundly gorgeous spiritual text.

502
00:27:43.079 --> 00:27:45.400
I've done it four times, and there's a lesson in

503
00:27:45.440 --> 00:27:48.640
a Course in Miracles that says, nothing real can be threatened,

504
00:27:49.160 --> 00:27:50.680
nothing unreal exists.

505
00:27:51.119 --> 00:27:53.000
Herein lies the peace of God.

506
00:27:53.319 --> 00:27:55.279
And that quote saved my life when I was sick,

507
00:27:55.319 --> 00:27:57.480
because I knew I could live like I was going

508
00:27:57.559 --> 00:28:00.640
to live and the rest wasn't up to me. So

509
00:28:00.720 --> 00:28:03.839
did my actions align with my commitment to my life.

510
00:28:04.160 --> 00:28:06.119
That's what carried me through.

511
00:28:06.599 --> 00:28:09.960
And as parents, we can go I am meant to

512
00:28:10.079 --> 00:28:13.440
fully live, not put my life on hold because I

513
00:28:13.480 --> 00:28:16.640
have kids or because I'm a spouse, but I am

514
00:28:16.720 --> 00:28:21.079
meant to fully live while I'm raising these kids, while

515
00:28:21.440 --> 00:28:25.119
I'm with these you know, spouse or multiple partners or

516
00:28:25.160 --> 00:28:28.240
whatever it might be. You fully living is the best

517
00:28:28.240 --> 00:28:31.759
gift you can give your kids. You in alignment, authentic,

518
00:28:32.079 --> 00:28:34.680
with the volume turned all the way up on your

519
00:28:34.799 --> 00:28:36.519
essence and your spirit and your light.

520
00:28:37.119 --> 00:28:38.079
That's the job.

521
00:28:38.480 --> 00:28:41.559
And we don't need to wait for a crisis, and

522
00:28:41.640 --> 00:28:44.880
we don't need a break down to break through. You

523
00:28:44.880 --> 00:28:48.079
can just decide today my job is to live fully

524
00:28:48.319 --> 00:28:51.359
while I hold space for my kids. Living fully, and

525
00:28:51.400 --> 00:28:53.480
I can let them know the real me, and I

526
00:28:53.519 --> 00:28:56.400
can be very interested and curious about knowing the real

527
00:28:56.480 --> 00:29:01.599
them and nurturing they are safe to decide who they

528
00:29:01.640 --> 00:29:04.200
want to be in this lifetime. And there's nothing they

529
00:29:04.200 --> 00:29:07.240
can do to make me love them less. And again,

530
00:29:07.400 --> 00:29:09.359
I think the best gift we can give our kids

531
00:29:09.400 --> 00:29:10.400
as parents.

532
00:29:10.079 --> 00:29:12.880
Is I want you to be who you are, not

533
00:29:12.920 --> 00:29:13.759
who I need you to be.

534
00:29:15.480 --> 00:29:18.440
Well, And you know, I think for some that's so difficult,

535
00:29:18.640 --> 00:29:21.680
And yet I think what you're saying is so true.

536
00:29:22.240 --> 00:29:26.039
You know, we talk about relationships, whether it's be parent child,

537
00:29:26.519 --> 00:29:31.119
relationship with your you know, significant other, or relationships with

538
00:29:31.200 --> 00:29:34.000
people in general or in work and so forth. And

539
00:29:34.519 --> 00:29:38.119
you know what I hear so often, particularly in relationships

540
00:29:38.119 --> 00:29:42.799
with a you know, a special other person, is they're

541
00:29:42.839 --> 00:29:47.079
so difficult it's not worth it type of thing. How

542
00:29:47.480 --> 00:29:50.200
how do you get to the point where you believe

543
00:29:50.279 --> 00:29:55.599
that a relationship can truly be happy, blissful, have joy

544
00:29:56.160 --> 00:29:59.440
in spite of a few little, you know, irritations that

545
00:29:59.480 --> 00:30:00.559
come up here and there.

546
00:30:01.119 --> 00:30:03.200
How does someone develop it to that.

547
00:30:03.200 --> 00:30:05.480
Point where they believe that, you know what, there is

548
00:30:05.519 --> 00:30:07.759
this hope and in fact they can achieve it.

549
00:30:08.319 --> 00:30:08.640
Yeah.

550
00:30:09.000 --> 00:30:09.240
You know.

551
00:30:09.519 --> 00:30:12.119
I am married to a man who when.

552
00:30:11.920 --> 00:30:15.160
I shared with him on date three and eleven page

553
00:30:15.160 --> 00:30:17.759
list front and back of everything I was looking for

554
00:30:17.799 --> 00:30:19.920
and a partner, I thought I'd.

555
00:30:19.759 --> 00:30:21.720
Scare him right away now with you.

556
00:30:22.240 --> 00:30:24.480
And he got out his own list and his was

557
00:30:24.480 --> 00:30:26.640
a half a page, not eleven pages front and back,

558
00:30:27.039 --> 00:30:29.680
but he had his own list. And when I shared

559
00:30:29.680 --> 00:30:32.319
with him my trauma story, thinking well, if my list

560
00:30:32.359 --> 00:30:35.000
didn't scare him off, my trauma story, share as hell will,

561
00:30:35.279 --> 00:30:36.839
he just sat there and goes, okay, you want to

562
00:30:36.839 --> 00:30:41.680
hear mine. And what we don't understand about relationships is

563
00:30:42.039 --> 00:30:45.440
they are for our soul's evolution. It's not just about

564
00:30:45.720 --> 00:30:47.680
you're supposed to be the source of my happiness and

565
00:30:47.720 --> 00:30:48.599
my orgasms.

566
00:30:49.079 --> 00:30:52.279
You are here to help me see and.

567
00:30:52.359 --> 00:30:55.359
Identify how healed I am and where I still have

568
00:30:55.440 --> 00:30:59.200
weak spots. That is the point and the purpose of relationships.

569
00:30:59.440 --> 00:31:04.079
And we and be independent and have relationship. And this

570
00:31:04.119 --> 00:31:08.480
is where it gets all screwed up. Codependence is so normalized.

571
00:31:08.680 --> 00:31:11.079
There's me, there's you, there's us, and it's supposed to

572
00:31:11.119 --> 00:31:15.559
all be ameshed. I'm supposed to sacrifice myself and betray

573
00:31:15.640 --> 00:31:17.759
myself in the name of love to prove I love you.

574
00:31:18.079 --> 00:31:20.960
I'm supposed to worry about you and your happiness above

575
00:31:21.000 --> 00:31:23.960
my own. And that's love. That's what our society teaches,

576
00:31:24.680 --> 00:31:30.039
No I teach. There's you, there's them, and there's the relationship.

577
00:31:30.279 --> 00:31:32.839
And your job is to be fully expressed and free,

578
00:31:32.880 --> 00:31:37.400
and you pursuing your individual passions and visions while you

579
00:31:37.440 --> 00:31:39.599
support your partner and their independence.

580
00:31:39.839 --> 00:31:40.720
My husband is.

581
00:31:41.079 --> 00:31:45.200
A traveling you know, executive, and I am a traveling

582
00:31:45.400 --> 00:31:48.359
executive and entrepreneur, and people ask us all the time

583
00:31:48.440 --> 00:31:50.160
how do we do it. I'm free to be me,

584
00:31:50.480 --> 00:31:52.680
he's free to be him. We co create and we

585
00:31:52.759 --> 00:31:57.440
nurture the relationship together. We're not losing ourselves in each other,

586
00:31:57.880 --> 00:32:01.480
and that is the number one thing that creates divorce.

587
00:32:01.559 --> 00:32:04.799
People lost themselves in the relationship, and in most cases

588
00:32:05.119 --> 00:32:09.160
they don't even know that happened. Now from there again,

589
00:32:09.920 --> 00:32:14.240
welcome the triggers. Go I'm triggered, instead of blaming it

590
00:32:14.279 --> 00:32:16.200
on my spouse or thinking if I kick them to

591
00:32:16.279 --> 00:32:19.480
the curb and put that divorce lawyer on retainer. Now

592
00:32:19.480 --> 00:32:22.519
I'm going to be good. You'll repeat the pattern with

593
00:32:22.559 --> 00:32:25.599
your next partner. And if you're someone I've had this too.

594
00:32:25.839 --> 00:32:28.319
Clients come to me, I'm done. It's just not worth

595
00:32:28.319 --> 00:32:30.720
it to put myself out there again. Now they're dealing

596
00:32:30.799 --> 00:32:33.279
with the old dysfunction that they dealt with with their

597
00:32:33.279 --> 00:32:37.359
former spouse, with their boss, with their right hand at work,

598
00:32:37.440 --> 00:32:41.039
with a client. The patterns repeat until they're healed. So

599
00:32:41.200 --> 00:32:45.039
look at relationship as the best seminar to help you

600
00:32:45.200 --> 00:32:49.039
be the most self actualized, fully expressed you possible and

601
00:32:49.559 --> 00:32:53.519
communicate what you want so your partner has a chance

602
00:32:53.559 --> 00:32:54.920
to understand you better.

603
00:32:55.319 --> 00:32:57.279
We wait, We wait.

604
00:32:57.079 --> 00:33:01.200
Until we think it's okay, you're acceptable, but talk about out. Actually,

605
00:33:01.440 --> 00:33:04.319
here's what I want the heck I'll leave us with

606
00:33:04.519 --> 00:33:08.599
on this question, doctor Doug. Is this instead of focusing

607
00:33:08.640 --> 00:33:11.519
on the problem, talk to your partner about the solution.

608
00:33:12.279 --> 00:33:16.079
Here's my idea I remember doing during COVID. My husband

609
00:33:16.079 --> 00:33:18.480
and I decided every night at seven thirty at night,

610
00:33:18.519 --> 00:33:20.079
we were going to take a walk in our beautiful

611
00:33:20.079 --> 00:33:21.759
neighborhood here in Boulder, Colorado.

612
00:33:22.279 --> 00:33:24.519
And I am so glad that we.

613
00:33:24.440 --> 00:33:27.839
Did that because we were getting really disconnected and really

614
00:33:28.200 --> 00:33:33.559
you know, focused on our differences about what we were

615
00:33:33.599 --> 00:33:36.200
thinking about what was going on in society and politically

616
00:33:36.279 --> 00:33:40.160
and all of this versus like finding common ground and

617
00:33:40.200 --> 00:33:42.960
what brought us together. So we started doing these walks

618
00:33:43.000 --> 00:33:45.160
every night, and then we started doing a Monday night

619
00:33:45.240 --> 00:33:45.599
date night.

620
00:33:45.640 --> 00:33:48.279
We've been doing it now for four years, and it

621
00:33:48.440 --> 00:33:49.920
changed everything.

622
00:33:50.279 --> 00:33:53.079
We focused on, all, right, we don't need to solve

623
00:33:53.119 --> 00:33:54.119
our problems.

624
00:33:54.359 --> 00:33:57.119
We need to solve for what solution.

625
00:33:56.960 --> 00:34:00.160
Would tighten our relationship up and bring us closer together there,

626
00:34:00.400 --> 00:34:02.160
and we don't skip on Monday night date night.

627
00:34:02.200 --> 00:34:02.920
It's like church.

628
00:34:04.680 --> 00:34:07.880
Well, and you know, and I think that's that's amazing,

629
00:34:09.360 --> 00:34:12.719
and I love your I love your concept of the

630
00:34:12.800 --> 00:34:15.719
both had. In other words, you know what I think

631
00:34:15.760 --> 00:34:20.920
so many people think that looking internally within themselves, being

632
00:34:21.000 --> 00:34:24.239
focused on their own mental emotional health, physical health, and

633
00:34:24.280 --> 00:34:28.760
so forth in their life takes them away from a relationship.

634
00:34:28.800 --> 00:34:32.760
Whereas as you're saying, you know, you have my relationship.

635
00:34:32.159 --> 00:34:34.000
Your really you know, I am who I am, you

636
00:34:34.039 --> 00:34:38.199
are who you are. Now let's come together and all

637
00:34:38.199 --> 00:34:41.639
of a sudden it's a both and type of situation.

638
00:34:42.039 --> 00:34:44.559
But you brought up the codependency that that seems to

639
00:34:44.599 --> 00:34:49.000
be a very very common experience for many people. But

640
00:34:49.239 --> 00:34:53.880
even more important, perhaps as you said it's a mentality

641
00:34:53.920 --> 00:35:00.239
that exists now in our society, is that somehow we

642
00:35:00.280 --> 00:35:03.559
put ourselves into a codependent relationship where we put ourselves

643
00:35:03.599 --> 00:35:06.920
in a relationship where you know, these are some things

644
00:35:06.960 --> 00:35:09.880
that are really important to me, and the other person says,

645
00:35:10.880 --> 00:35:12.920
I'm not going to support you in that. No, no, no,

646
00:35:12.960 --> 00:35:13.800
this is what I need.

647
00:35:14.480 --> 00:35:17.079
How do we how do we overcome that and how.

648
00:35:16.960 --> 00:35:21.920
Do we change this philosophy of codependency to where people

649
00:35:21.960 --> 00:35:25.039
can really approach relationship of you know, this is who

650
00:35:25.119 --> 00:35:28.000
I am, this is who you are as we come together,

651
00:35:28.760 --> 00:35:31.519
this is something that we can make work, or we

652
00:35:31.559 --> 00:35:34.320
look at it and say, you know what, this isn't

653
00:35:34.320 --> 00:35:34.719
going to work.

654
00:35:34.840 --> 00:35:37.119
Let's let's move forward into a different situation.

655
00:35:37.800 --> 00:35:38.159
Yeah.

656
00:35:38.199 --> 00:35:42.440
Well, and this is my specialty is helping couples be

657
00:35:43.199 --> 00:35:46.079
absolutely two healed adults.

658
00:35:45.760 --> 00:35:49.199
Co creating magic together. That is the goal.

659
00:35:49.360 --> 00:35:52.239
Now here's the thing you must understand if you're going

660
00:35:52.320 --> 00:35:55.639
to actually have that. The other person is never the problem.

661
00:35:56.079 --> 00:35:58.559
The other person is never the problem, and they're never

662
00:35:58.639 --> 00:36:01.880
the solution. Now it doesn't mean they're not behaving badly

663
00:36:02.280 --> 00:36:05.039
or they didn't do what they did. You know, if

664
00:36:05.119 --> 00:36:08.960
there is not somebody an active addiction committed to keeping

665
00:36:08.960 --> 00:36:11.079
that addiction going, or physical.

666
00:36:10.599 --> 00:36:12.960
Abuse, and both people want.

667
00:36:12.719 --> 00:36:16.360
Their relationship to work, then you have to understand you're

668
00:36:16.480 --> 00:36:22.280
responsible for how you feel, you're responsible for your happiness,

669
00:36:22.519 --> 00:36:28.000
and you're responsible for being someone who maintains alignment. I

670
00:36:28.119 --> 00:36:31.000
teach the aligned intimacy method because it's easy to be

671
00:36:31.039 --> 00:36:33.400
alignment when it's just you with you. I had a

672
00:36:33.400 --> 00:36:35.599
client once that came to me and said, I'm ready

673
00:36:35.599 --> 00:36:38.840
to divorce my husband. I can't stand my kids. I'm

674
00:36:38.880 --> 00:36:40.639
just going to get divorced. And go buy a house

675
00:36:40.679 --> 00:36:42.480
in the woods and just live alone in the woods.

676
00:36:42.559 --> 00:36:44.639
Screw it enough, you know already.

677
00:36:45.079 --> 00:36:47.920
And the thing is, they're not the problem. They're not

678
00:36:48.039 --> 00:36:50.159
the reason you gave yourself up.

679
00:36:50.239 --> 00:36:54.199
If you're resentful, if you're disappointed, if you're hurting in

680
00:36:54.239 --> 00:36:58.599
your relationship, it's real and it's valid. But I guarantee

681
00:36:58.760 --> 00:37:01.239
it's how you felt growing up and you just never

682
00:37:01.280 --> 00:37:02.519
wanted to feel that way again.

683
00:37:02.760 --> 00:37:04.239
And now this is how you feel.

684
00:37:04.519 --> 00:37:07.960
And this spouse of yours is the spiritual healer and teacher.

685
00:37:08.239 --> 00:37:12.639
That's the gateway for you healing up that inner child

686
00:37:12.760 --> 00:37:16.000
and that survival you and being healed and liberated and

687
00:37:16.119 --> 00:37:16.800
free no.

688
00:37:16.599 --> 00:37:17.719
Matter how they show up.

689
00:37:18.000 --> 00:37:21.599
So again, if you're in an abusive, dangerous situation, please

690
00:37:22.000 --> 00:37:24.800
get help and get out. If you're dealing with an

691
00:37:24.800 --> 00:37:28.960
addict that isn't wanting to take on their addiction, there's

692
00:37:28.960 --> 00:37:30.559
not going to be much you can do because they're

693
00:37:30.599 --> 00:37:33.119
in a relationship with their addiction, not with you. If

694
00:37:33.159 --> 00:37:36.960
those two things aren't happening, any relationship can heal.

695
00:37:37.239 --> 00:37:39.559
I don't care if there's been affairs, I don't care

696
00:37:39.639 --> 00:37:43.440
how bad it is, was, lies, whatever, If both.

697
00:37:43.159 --> 00:37:45.639
People want it now, We've got to do the deep

698
00:37:45.719 --> 00:37:48.920
work to own the trigger and to go, okay, you

699
00:37:49.039 --> 00:37:51.039
just help me heal a trigger I didn't even know

700
00:37:51.119 --> 00:37:54.440
I needed to heal. And the trigger is always a

701
00:37:54.480 --> 00:37:55.960
trauma that hasn't healed yet.

702
00:37:56.159 --> 00:37:57.000
So now we can.

703
00:37:56.960 --> 00:38:00.199
Use each other to help our inner child heal. So

704
00:38:00.320 --> 00:38:03.400
we have two healed adults. And that's my favorite part

705
00:38:03.440 --> 00:38:06.000
of my work. I get to watch the moment where

706
00:38:06.039 --> 00:38:07.800
people meet each other for the first time.

707
00:38:08.559 --> 00:38:10.920
Well, and as you said, one thing you said, and

708
00:38:10.960 --> 00:38:14.480
I think it's key is both if both people want it.

709
00:38:15.320 --> 00:38:18.039
So here's the question. How many times do you start

710
00:38:18.079 --> 00:38:22.119
working in a relationship situation and you look at that

711
00:38:22.280 --> 00:38:24.920
and you go, Okay, this is something that absolutely can

712
00:38:24.920 --> 00:38:27.480
be yield And I assume you look at that and

713
00:38:27.559 --> 00:38:29.599
you pick up all the red flags and so forth

714
00:38:29.639 --> 00:38:31.800
and say, okay, you know what, we can do this,

715
00:38:32.559 --> 00:38:34.960
or you look at some of those and recognize, okay,

716
00:38:35.039 --> 00:38:38.079
we're dealing some with a narcissist, or we're dealing with

717
00:38:38.360 --> 00:38:41.400
this situation. This isn't going to work. At what point

718
00:38:41.440 --> 00:38:43.880
in time do you tell people you know what, it's

719
00:38:43.960 --> 00:38:47.679
time to separate and move on to a different life.

720
00:38:47.960 --> 00:38:50.800
Yeah, what I do is two day couples intensives. So

721
00:38:50.880 --> 00:38:52.840
I'm like, let's rip off the band aid. Let's get

722
00:38:52.880 --> 00:38:55.679
you the information as soon as possible. Right, So give

723
00:38:55.719 --> 00:38:57.880
me two days and we're going to know did it

724
00:38:58.039 --> 00:39:00.000
work and we can reinvent in a way where we

725
00:39:00.079 --> 00:39:02.519
stay together or did it work.

726
00:39:02.320 --> 00:39:04.239
And we reinvent in a way where we.

727
00:39:04.280 --> 00:39:11.679
Gracefully and respectfully and lovingly divorce whether you're married or not. Right, So,

728
00:39:11.840 --> 00:39:16.400
if you're not clear and peaceful and Almo goo to

729
00:39:16.639 --> 00:39:21.880
love you and this era is over, bless you into

730
00:39:21.880 --> 00:39:25.000
your future, bless me into mine, you're not ready to

731
00:39:25.000 --> 00:39:25.559
get divorced.

732
00:39:28.000 --> 00:39:31.800
So how do you change people that are not really

733
00:39:31.840 --> 00:39:35.599
willing to do that introspective work that may or as

734
00:39:35.639 --> 00:39:39.760
I say, they're either highly OCD, which is very difficult

735
00:39:39.760 --> 00:39:43.119
to overcome. They may be narcissists, which is very difficult

736
00:39:43.159 --> 00:39:46.320
to overcome, and that's its own separate type of abuse.

737
00:39:46.880 --> 00:39:51.079
And as you try to see them make those changes.

738
00:39:50.760 --> 00:39:55.960
They're not really willing or emotionally able to make those changes.

739
00:39:56.599 --> 00:39:56.800
Right.

740
00:39:57.000 --> 00:40:01.199
So the thing is, if you've y'ah, a partner that's

741
00:40:01.360 --> 00:40:04.320
just a hard no on wanting to do any work

742
00:40:04.360 --> 00:40:08.599
with you at all, then you heal and you divorce

743
00:40:09.079 --> 00:40:12.480
peacefully without doing the work with them, but still doing

744
00:40:12.559 --> 00:40:14.800
the work on yourself so that you can heal through

745
00:40:14.960 --> 00:40:18.119
how they're triggering you, what patterns you don't want to

746
00:40:18.119 --> 00:40:19.199
take with you into your future.

747
00:40:19.239 --> 00:40:22.320
I just had a client that just finalized.

748
00:40:21.760 --> 00:40:25.199
A divorce today that had a spouse that wasn't going

749
00:40:25.280 --> 00:40:27.079
to do the work with her. So we did all

750
00:40:27.079 --> 00:40:29.280
this work to use him as a spiritual healer and

751
00:40:29.320 --> 00:40:32.920
teacher even without him in the room. What did he represent, right?

752
00:40:32.960 --> 00:40:35.960
Because he's not the problem. He represents patterns that need

753
00:40:35.960 --> 00:40:39.880
to be healed. But in almost every single case, Doctor Doug,

754
00:40:42.039 --> 00:40:44.760
the person wants it, they just don't know how. It

755
00:40:44.800 --> 00:40:48.519
feels like Mount Everest and the narcissist is in a

756
00:40:48.639 --> 00:40:52.239
trauma response and the OCD control freak is in a

757
00:40:52.360 --> 00:40:53.199
trauma response.

758
00:40:53.360 --> 00:40:54.159
So what I tell.

759
00:40:54.039 --> 00:40:55.639
People is, you don't need to know how I'm going

760
00:40:55.719 --> 00:40:57.559
to guide you through the how. I know exactly what

761
00:40:57.679 --> 00:41:00.840
to do with you. Guys to get you connect did to.

762
00:41:00.960 --> 00:41:05.480
You the healed you and to each other the healed partner.

763
00:41:05.920 --> 00:41:08.320
You need to worry about the how. You just need

764
00:41:08.360 --> 00:41:08.960
to raise.

765
00:41:08.719 --> 00:41:11.719
Your hand and go. I am unwilling to not pull

766
00:41:11.760 --> 00:41:14.159
out all the stops here. I want to know I

767
00:41:14.280 --> 00:41:17.719
left no stone unturned. I want to know I became

768
00:41:18.119 --> 00:41:20.280
a more healed me so that I don't take patterns

769
00:41:20.280 --> 00:41:22.639
with me into my future, whether I stay in this

770
00:41:22.719 --> 00:41:26.199
relationship or not. If that appeals to you, give me

771
00:41:26.239 --> 00:41:27.880
a call and in two days I'll give.

772
00:41:27.800 --> 00:41:31.000
You all the information to move forward.

773
00:41:31.079 --> 00:41:35.239
And it's experiential work, and it's emotional work, and emotional

774
00:41:35.280 --> 00:41:36.719
work can be scary.

775
00:41:36.360 --> 00:41:39.519
Because we don't know we can survive our deepest pain.

776
00:41:39.960 --> 00:41:41.360
But if you don't take it.

777
00:41:41.400 --> 00:41:44.880
On now, Pandora's box is running and maybe even ruining

778
00:41:44.920 --> 00:41:45.320
your life.

779
00:41:45.360 --> 00:41:47.719
I go, can we open up Pandora's Box? Please?

780
00:41:48.000 --> 00:41:50.280
Everything feels better and looks better and it is less

781
00:41:50.280 --> 00:41:51.159
scary with the light on.

782
00:41:51.440 --> 00:41:53.199
So how about we open the box with.

783
00:41:53.239 --> 00:41:56.480
The light on, look at it all, diffuse all of

784
00:41:56.559 --> 00:42:01.800
this charge, and move forward. None of this gets to

785
00:42:01.880 --> 00:42:03.079
ruin the rest of your life.

786
00:42:03.199 --> 00:42:04.400
And there is a before and.

787
00:42:04.400 --> 00:42:07.480
After, and that can be difficult, I think for a

788
00:42:07.519 --> 00:42:10.480
lot of people. But as you say, the outcome can

789
00:42:10.519 --> 00:42:12.880
be beautiful. Do you have a story that you can

790
00:42:12.960 --> 00:42:16.679
share of a family that you've worked with where there

791
00:42:16.800 --> 00:42:19.360
was almost a sense of you know, this is never

792
00:42:19.440 --> 00:42:20.079
going to happen.

793
00:42:20.480 --> 00:42:21.639
Oh God, I have a mission.

794
00:42:21.800 --> 00:42:26.880
They have moved into a wonderful, blissful relationship. Just one story. Sure.

795
00:42:27.159 --> 00:42:31.320
Yeah, I have a woman who's a financial advisor, and

796
00:42:31.719 --> 00:42:33.400
she came to me saying.

797
00:42:33.519 --> 00:42:36.840
There's no way I'm going to be happy in my marriage.

798
00:42:36.960 --> 00:42:37.519
In my life.

799
00:42:37.519 --> 00:42:39.800
She had a special needs child, three kids, one with

800
00:42:39.800 --> 00:42:43.519
special needs, a husband, she was super disconnected from work,

801
00:42:43.679 --> 00:42:48.320
was her life, and we ended up setting up so

802
00:42:48.639 --> 00:42:51.360
much for this family. She wanted to go to Spain

803
00:42:51.400 --> 00:42:54.039
for a month. She thought the only way she could

804
00:42:54.079 --> 00:42:56.360
do that is if she got divorced first. She worked

805
00:42:56.360 --> 00:42:59.559
remotely in Spain for a month. Her dream husband was

806
00:42:59.559 --> 00:43:03.280
on board, supported, kids were on board and supported. She's

807
00:43:03.320 --> 00:43:06.320
about to celebrate her twenty year anniversary to her husband

808
00:43:06.519 --> 00:43:08.159
and they're going to Italy together.

809
00:43:08.280 --> 00:43:10.400
And she had pushed him away for.

810
00:43:10.400 --> 00:43:15.199
So many years and now they're connecting and they're happy.

811
00:43:15.559 --> 00:43:17.360
And the kids get to see this.

812
00:43:17.800 --> 00:43:20.360
They get to see mom going to Spain, they get

813
00:43:20.360 --> 00:43:22.199
to see their parents going to Italy.

814
00:43:22.559 --> 00:43:24.760
They get to see, wow.

815
00:43:25.599 --> 00:43:28.599
My parents' lives isn't just about taking care of us

816
00:43:28.639 --> 00:43:32.239
and going through the motions. They're living and they're joyful.

817
00:43:32.519 --> 00:43:34.760
And this woman thought if she took on what she

818
00:43:34.840 --> 00:43:39.199
really wanted, she'd lose everything. And what I call it

819
00:43:39.280 --> 00:43:43.639
is high functioning unhappiness. She was suffering from high functioning unhappiness,

820
00:43:43.639 --> 00:43:46.239
and she was afraid if she dealt with her unhappiness,

821
00:43:46.519 --> 00:43:48.679
she'd threaten the high functioning part of her life.

822
00:43:49.039 --> 00:43:50.639
But I was there to guide her.

823
00:43:50.519 --> 00:43:52.719
In, we are going to threaten the crap out of

824
00:43:52.719 --> 00:43:55.840
your unhappiness, not the high functioning part of your life.

825
00:43:55.880 --> 00:43:58.800
And if we don't threaten your unhappiness, the high functioning

826
00:43:58.800 --> 00:44:02.079
part of your life will be threatened. Threatening the high

827
00:44:02.360 --> 00:44:04.639
you know, the high functioning isn't the goal, threatening the

828
00:44:04.760 --> 00:44:10.440
unhappiness is. So this family is thriving on so many levels,

829
00:44:10.519 --> 00:44:13.039
and now the husband's coming to her and saying, hey,

830
00:44:13.320 --> 00:44:16.920
I got some dreams too, you ready, yeah?

831
00:44:17.000 --> 00:44:20.880
Yeah, And you know, and so that formula that you

832
00:44:21.039 --> 00:44:24.159
use is really what. It helps people to really focus

833
00:44:24.239 --> 00:44:27.599
on what's not functioning in their lives. And then as

834
00:44:27.639 --> 00:44:31.719
they do that, and as both partners start to do that,

835
00:44:31.800 --> 00:44:33.719
all of a sudden they can truly come together in

836
00:44:33.719 --> 00:44:36.000
communication and understanding and support.

837
00:44:36.559 --> 00:44:39.000
Right, And you don't get to skip this season of

838
00:44:39.079 --> 00:44:41.039
I mean the first five years of my marriage, and

839
00:44:41.079 --> 00:44:42.199
we've been married.

840
00:44:42.280 --> 00:44:43.840
Almost thirteen years.

841
00:44:44.039 --> 00:44:48.159
First five years unhealed Rebecca and unhealed Mark. We're at

842
00:44:48.280 --> 00:44:51.400
odds and we just learned, all right, we're going to

843
00:44:51.480 --> 00:44:54.760
lean in. We're committed to We're closer at the end

844
00:44:54.760 --> 00:44:56.360
of this breakdown than we were.

845
00:44:56.280 --> 00:44:58.480
At the start of it every single time.

846
00:44:59.000 --> 00:45:02.320
And I remember saying to a coach, I am willing

847
00:45:02.639 --> 00:45:05.360
to have the same fight with Mark as many times

848
00:45:05.360 --> 00:45:08.639
as we need to until I stop feeling like I'm

849
00:45:08.760 --> 00:45:11.480
leveled every time we have the fight. And then there

850
00:45:11.559 --> 00:45:13.159
was the day where I was solid as a rock

851
00:45:13.199 --> 00:45:15.480
and we had the fight, and I was like, that's

852
00:45:15.559 --> 00:45:20.440
what this work is about. I am still me regardless.

853
00:45:21.000 --> 00:45:24.760
Now there's a light, now there's an opening. I don't

854
00:45:24.800 --> 00:45:27.239
need him to be different. I'm not putting the pressure

855
00:45:27.280 --> 00:45:30.599
on him to be the source of I don't hurt

856
00:45:30.639 --> 00:45:31.840
anymore or.

857
00:45:32.039 --> 00:45:36.199
The fight doesn't happen. Therefore I'm okay. I'm okay no.

858
00:45:36.199 --> 00:45:39.519
Matter what is where we want to get to, because

859
00:45:39.639 --> 00:45:42.960
then now your marriage is about two heeled adults just

860
00:45:43.000 --> 00:45:46.800
being honest with themselves and each other, co creating together,

861
00:45:47.239 --> 00:45:51.000
designing life together where they're still independent and they're not

862
00:45:51.119 --> 00:45:54.719
trapped because they're married, but they also have this beautiful

863
00:45:54.760 --> 00:45:56.119
relationship to nurture.

864
00:45:55.880 --> 00:45:58.440
Together, and that brings about a lot of joy, doesn't it.

865
00:45:58.679 --> 00:46:01.039
Oh my god, it's so amazing. It is so much fun.

866
00:46:01.079 --> 00:46:04.920
I mean, my husband and I have this crazy love

867
00:46:05.000 --> 00:46:09.239
story that's so unconventional in all my couples, thousands over

868
00:46:09.280 --> 00:46:12.719
the years, I'm helping them design their way. There's not

869
00:46:12.800 --> 00:46:16.239
a right way, and back to the parenting conversation earlier

870
00:46:16.280 --> 00:46:18.679
in this episode, there's not a writer or wrong way

871
00:46:18.719 --> 00:46:20.599
to do marriage. There's not a right or wrong way

872
00:46:20.639 --> 00:46:22.719
to parent. There's not a writer or a wrong way

873
00:46:22.800 --> 00:46:24.480
to live, or to heal or to lead.

874
00:46:24.760 --> 00:46:26.320
But there is what works for you.

875
00:46:26.440 --> 00:46:28.800
And that's what we have to find because that's the

876
00:46:28.800 --> 00:46:32.360
success metric. Am I in alignment with my own soul.

877
00:46:32.639 --> 00:46:35.079
The rest of it is everybody else's free will and

878
00:46:35.119 --> 00:46:38.280
agency and their soul journey well.

879
00:46:38.400 --> 00:46:41.239
And so as we close, what would be that message

880
00:46:41.239 --> 00:46:42.599
you want to share with the audience.

881
00:46:43.280 --> 00:46:46.320
Yeah, the message I think is the most important for

882
00:46:46.360 --> 00:46:48.480
all of us day in and day out to rest

883
00:46:48.519 --> 00:46:52.159
in is be careful with each other's hearts, starting with

884
00:46:52.280 --> 00:46:57.599
your own. The goal is always soften more, more gentleness,

885
00:46:57.800 --> 00:47:02.519
more self love, more compassion, more forgiveness of you and

886
00:47:02.639 --> 00:47:04.440
letting your best be enough.

887
00:47:04.840 --> 00:47:05.960
And from there you.

888
00:47:05.920 --> 00:47:09.000
Can be careful with each other's hearts and that's how

889
00:47:09.039 --> 00:47:10.079
we heal the collective.

890
00:47:10.760 --> 00:47:14.039
Well, I love it. Thank you so much. This has

891
00:47:14.039 --> 00:47:16.840
been a great conversation, Rebecca, Thank you so much. I

892
00:47:16.920 --> 00:47:19.280
really appreciate it. How do people find you and how

893
00:47:19.320 --> 00:47:20.480
do people find your book?

894
00:47:20.880 --> 00:47:24.280
Yes, so, please visit me at Rebecca Silence dot com.

895
00:47:24.320 --> 00:47:28.280
Rebecca has an h R E B e Ccah silence

896
00:47:28.519 --> 00:47:32.239
like be Quiet even though I'm not dot com Rebecca Silence.

897
00:47:31.880 --> 00:47:34.079
Dot com you can find the book.

898
00:47:34.159 --> 00:47:37.159
You can find my courses which if you don't want

899
00:47:37.199 --> 00:47:40.000
to do the VIP premium to day intensive with me,

900
00:47:40.320 --> 00:47:43.320
buy my Emotional Survival Kit for five hundred bucks and

901
00:47:43.400 --> 00:47:44.760
transform your family.

902
00:47:45.000 --> 00:47:47.280
It is money back guarantee, so good.

903
00:47:47.639 --> 00:47:50.840
Also available at Rebecca Silence dot com as well as

904
00:47:50.840 --> 00:47:53.760
how to work with me privately. Information is available there

905
00:47:53.760 --> 00:47:55.639
as well. You can also follow me on all the

906
00:47:55.679 --> 00:47:59.360
social channels. I have a YouTube channel with just a

907
00:47:59.480 --> 00:48:00.440
lifetime I'm worth.

908
00:48:00.440 --> 00:48:02.400
It's like Disneyland. You wouldn't be able to get through

909
00:48:02.400 --> 00:48:02.679
all the.

910
00:48:02.599 --> 00:48:06.320
Content if you tried but amazing shows and episodes at

911
00:48:06.639 --> 00:48:10.199
my Rebecca Sounds YouTube channel available as well well.

912
00:48:10.239 --> 00:48:12.239
I love and thank you so much, folks. I hope

913
00:48:12.280 --> 00:48:15.679
you really have got something out of this. And please, please,

914
00:48:15.760 --> 00:48:18.920
if you're experiencing some challenges, give her a call, go

915
00:48:19.000 --> 00:48:21.519
to the website, get that book, go through that course,

916
00:48:21.639 --> 00:48:25.400
whatever it takes, because ultimately our whole life is meant

917
00:48:25.440 --> 00:48:27.039
to be joyful and happy.

918
00:48:27.639 --> 00:48:27.840
Yes.

919
00:48:29.000 --> 00:48:31.559
Yeah, so this is doctor Doug saying thanks for listening,

920
00:48:31.719 --> 00:48:34.360
Joining us again soon now mistake