Coming Back to Life

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0:44 Denzel Washington, Welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you to. Do the same. Rebecca, Welcome to the show. Hello, Doctor Tug. I'm awfored to be here and I'm ready for a life changing conversation. Oh. I look forward to it, and I hope the audience is going to really get something out of this because I think one of the most important areas and I keep bringing it up in other discussions that they don't expect is the family and how important the family is, and how important it is that we understand these relationships and how to keep them going. So what I'd love for you to do is introduce yourself and kind of tell your story. How what journey do you go through to get to the point of your doing now? And I know you have some incredible things that you've done, and I want you to talk about that too.

1:41 Okay, Well, I am Rebecca Silence, and I am the space where all healing is possible. And what I mean when I say the word healing is freedom and liberation. So I'm someone who's basically taken the trauma conversation and disrupted it because it so often we're talking about trauma in a way where we're trying to live in spite of we're trying to overcome and survive, and it isn't something we think we can fully heal. I'm making the trauma conversation a very empowering conversation, saying the impossible thing you think you have to live with, no matter what, making the best of it, no matter what, living in spite of it, no matter what.

2:25 You can actually heal. So I am someone who. Has to live what I teach day and day out, one breath after another, one stuff at a time. And my story is a story of survival. But that's not my greatest testimony when I say healing. Is possible, it's the life I. Have now in my home, now, with the family I have now. So I grew up in domestic violence regardless of what I understood and knew. I had become an expert in human behavior on so many levels with a master's degree counseling as a nationally board certified music therapist, the information didn't matter. I had my first marriage.

3:06 As my childhood recreated another domestic violence situation, even with all my understandings. So in my second half of my twenties, I'm getting out of domestic violence marriage with a two year old, with all this understanding that I didn't know how to implement. So after the divorce, I decided I have to be way more integrated. I don't know how to do it, but I. Know there has to be a way to actually heal the root of where pain comes from and where trauma gets reactivated. And so I went to work on living what I teach and creating my own methodologies and processes that saved my life on so many levels. I was suicidal, I was a music alcohol I was boleiemic and just abusing myself so much because I was garranting myself the way I was parented. And if we don't learn how to unlearn and undo again, it doesn't matter. Mindset and strategy won't be enough, your understanding of the why behind your behaviors, it doesn't matter. What I teach now is what I call the practice of emotional healing, where it really is about nervous system regulation and emotional clarity that allows you to transcend any circumstance. You can plug into your spiritual GPS, how you want to feel and who you want to be and become those things. And the

4:39 practice of emotional healing was something I was getting pretty good at. And then I got diagnosed with cancer. I had a successful private practice, I was on the radio, I was waitlisting client six months and I got diagnosed with cancer after getting married a second time and pregnant a second time, and I remember thinking, doctor dud and to all of you beautiful hearts listening, huh, it's really easy to be my best when everything is going great. Who am I going to be now? And I had to implement the practice of emotional healing, which saved my life because I was only given a five percent chance to live and all the doctors were telling me it was time to prepare my will, it was time to prepare.

5:20 For my death. I was thirty four and I was unwilling to believe I was going to die. So for me, it took cancer to really integrate and to put into place the spiritual work of being emotionally heal healed, which guided me in leading my own help and cancer journey into getting to this point today. Well, and you already talk about the cancer. What happened there? And do you feel like some of what you went through was part of healing the cancer or was it American situation or what went on? I had a melanoma that had already I didn't understand skin cancer. So I was coaching a plastic surgeon and his wife and they were like, you're here to save our marriage.

6:09 But actually, Rebecca, this. Thing on your arm that isn't good. Come into the office at seven am tomorrow. Let us take this off. And I thought, well, even if it's cancer, it's skin cancer, right, so you can just cut it off. Well, I didn't understand, these cancer cells that are malignant spread like wildfire through your body. So I think about cancer physically and also. Emotionally in that there really was physical cancer in my body. It was already in my lymph nodes. I have no symptoms. It was super confusing, and I was so young. And then, you know, I will never forget the moment that I realized I'm in bed. I have had twenty cancer related surgeries and I ended up quitting chemo after four and a half months because the chemo I was on was literally killing me. All the nerves down my right leg were dying and I had what's called drop. But I was in so much pain, I was losing my marbles and my memory. I wasn't really sure what was going on. So much of the time I decided I'm going to quit chemo. And I disclaimer don't recommend anybody quits chemo. I recommend you get so clear, you follow your guidance system. But your question is amazing when it comes to how did my past play into the cancer, Because I'll never forget the moment I realized this isn't a reactivation of my trauma. My trauma prepared me if I could survive that, I can survive this, and I know how to commit to staying alive and to resilience in impossible situations. And if I

7:41 can survive the incest of my childhood, I can beat this. And there that was the moment. That healed me, became in charge of the mission called healing and saving my life when it came to the cancer, when I recognized. All that, Wow, and it's gone. It's gone. I just this last week, a week and a half ago, had. Two more surgeries at once where they take excisions, like just chunks out of me basically that have I've got, you know, a bandage right here so you can't really see on my face, but I had a spot on my face and a spot on my right shin. I will be under the microscope the rest of my life.

8:23 I walk around every day with a brain tumor that's benign and unrelated to the cancer. But they caught it right before I started chemo, so I have to have scans every two years to check on the tumor to see if we're going to surgically remove it or not. I like to say the tumor is why I'm psychic. My tumor, my portal divine intelligence. You know, I don't want to get rid of it, but I. Will be And I say this lightly, but it is serious. You know, at the oncology hospital every three months, probably for the rest of my life, and they will keep cutting and taking the spots off off of me that are pre cancerous or cancerous or could become pre cancerous or cancerous. And the thing I know for sure, I don't have to ever go back to the hospital again.

9:11 I don't have to agree to any of these surgeries. And I really look at life now from a place of the healed me gets to choose, and it's all a choice, and I choose to let myself be this cared for. I don't experience it as a violation. Anymore or as you know, a trauma, having these surgeries or having these scans or going to the hospital. I look at it like I'm in charge. I'm a choice. I don't have to do anything. I'm well, and I just follow my guidance. And for all of you listening, that is the most inspired vision you could have for your life. You're in control of your life. You are in control of your happiness and your joy and your destiny and you are at choice. There is never not a choice, and sometimes it's very non prefit diferential the moments we find ourselves in where there's a choice to make, but we still have a choice. And to me, that's everything.

10:07 Well, and you got motivated to write the book coming Back to Life? What was the background of that and what motivated you to write that book? Well, the whole I survived, and I am more free than I've ever been. Experience of cancer made it very clear it's time to move from a one to one business model and really move into a one to many. And while I have survived so much, that's not why the book is called Coming Back to Life, A roadmap to heal from pain, to create the life you want. Every client I've. Had thousands in my private practice says to me, I just came to life. And in so. Many cases, these are high functioning, high achieving, high performing difference makers that I coach. So they weren't not alive or not of service, but they didn't even read how much more was available to them in terms of what they could be experiencing of themselves.

11:07 And of life. And I believe, above all else, our job is to get the most out of our one precious life and to be the best we can be, not in a positive way, but in a way that that's possible. Yeah. And you know what comes to my mind as you just said that is how many times do we actually go through a rebirth? Yeah? And you know, you know people talk about multiple lives and so forth. The reality is is that we can experience multiple lives quote in this life by being able to make those changes, which I think is fascinating. So what what ultimately motivated you to move into this whole aspect of fixing families and working with families.

11:52 Yeah? Well, I believe that we all have a dream of love. And when people say I don't know what I want, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, what I know is they want to be loved. We all want to be loved at the end of the day, I think above all else. And for me, growing up the way I did the first marriage being what it was, I wanted family the way always imagined I could have it, and then I created it. And then all I wanted was to help anybody else that wanted that have that for themselves. And the trick is it can't be contingent on your family members that you get your dream of family.

12:34 This is where we get all messed up. But what happens is without doing some deep emotional healing and trauma work that no one is immune to. If you want your dream of family, we've all got heartbreak. I don't care who you are. Heartbreak is a form of trauma. We've all got trauma. And the good news is once we heal the family trauma that we grew up in, whatever that looks like to us, create whatever we want. Without healing our family of origin trauma, we're fighting with the ghosts of our past and projecting onto the people we love and work with. Now you're my dad. Now you're my wicked stepmother. Now you're my brother. Now you're my evil grandmother. You're the babysitter that abuse me.

13:20 Even in workplace, right, it's all family coaching when I go in and do corporate training, because without that healing, everybody just becomes somebody that hurt us without us even realizing it. When we recognize that and do the deep healing work. Now i'm me and I see you for you, and I get to have boundaries and decide what works for me, what doesn't, ask. For what I need. Not only can we have multiple lives in one lifetime, we can have multiple relationships in one relationship. But until we've. Cleared the past, it's not the healed me, and I'm just reactivated dealing with somebody else that's reactivated. And so I just want people to have the experience of joy and peace and love that's possible for them in family if they want it. And for you know, fifteen years of my private practice, I was Vanilla Ice the rapper.

14:17 If you had a problem, I would solve it. I was everything to everyone. And then I just decided family is my focus because I want kids to have healed parents, and I want those that want it to have their dream come true love story and their ideal experience of family. Well, and you know, you made a comment which I just loved about parenting ourselves the way we have been parented. I've never heard of put that way before, but I love it because it's true. We tend to, you know, control ourselves the way that we've been quote control or affected. By our upbringing by our parents.

14:59 And and so number one, how do we reach that level of awareness that says, Okay, this. Is not the life I want. Yeah, I want something different. Yeah. The most important thing to understand is there's two directions we can go in right, avoiding our pain or pursuing our pleasure. And I don't think we wake up one day and we know who we are. I think we wake up one day and we know enough something's got to give. But what most people do when they reach that point of enough something's got to give is they try to change the scenery around them. They try to change their circumstances, the people in their lives.

15:46 They're not going. I got to really get honest with myself about how I want to feel and what I want for me. It is the most important question to answer. And that's what I'm talking about. The direction of pursuing pleasure is about being courageous enough and honest enough to go I'm following my guidance in the direction of what I want, versus I'm avoiding pain, I'm avoiding disappointment, I'm avoiding more heartbreak, I'm avoiding more hurt. And we think until other. People approve and buy in and give us permission to be who we are, it's not safe and it's not acceptable. And I'm here to say there is never gonna be a good time. You are never going to be safe enough to be brave enough to be you, and to figure out what that means, You're gonna have to be brave and let people react and know the scenery changing will never change how you feel on the inside. And what we're really after is feeling fulfilled and feeling like we know ourselves, love ourselves.

16:50 And trust ourselves. And until you're there with you, the world isn't going to reflect it back, and someday isn't coming. So it's about recognizing that day you wake up and you go, I don't want to live like this anymore. It's time to heal your survival self and design your healed self well. And you know, you talk about families, and I mean, I've got four kids, and occasionally we have the conversation of, Okay, especially with what I'm learning on these podcasts, what did I do as a parent that has affected you in a positive way? And we've talked about that and they're very grateful and they're very kind about that, And what are some of the things perhaps that I did that may have affected you in a negative way? And what I think that we don't understand as parents is that our children have their own perception. And so I can say something to my mind a very kind situation, I can say something and in their mind and in their perception, I may be criticizing them, or you know, they may have that perception. How do we help parents learn how to create the best environment possible in that family so that we don't causes many of those perceptions to occur within our children when in fact that's not our intent, but it happens. So is there a way for parents

18:22 to learn how to communicate, learn how to be in order to create a much healthier environment so that our kids have the best chance of growing up without a lot of those triggers. Yes, And in so many families, the parent isn't realizing that they are repeating history and passing along because of generational trauma patterns. More of here's how we deal with this that we don't even have to normalize. So, for example, I had a client ones who was. Projecting her mother onto her daughter and she didn't even realize it. Women were beaten down in her history in her family, and her mom beat her down, and she had resentment towards her mom, and she never dealt with it with her mom, so now she's playing it out with her own kid.

19:19 Right. There's so much that we can do as parents to break the cycle, and it's not fair to put it on our kids that they have to show up outside of the cycle for us to know we've broken the cycle. Your kids aren't a reflection of how good you've done at breaking generational trauma cycles. How you feel is the metric. What we want is for your kids to be who they are, not who they're expected to be. What we want is for your kids to have a clean slate to decide. They have free will and agency. Cause and effect is the best lesson we can teach our kids.

20:00 You make a choice, there will be an effect. Did the effect match what you hoped for in terms of your outcome? And if not, what different decision could you make? At cause? That is the lesson to teach our kids, not how to brace for and survive the guaranteed trauma and heartbreak and harshness of the world that without meaning to we can try to prepare them for. So your job is to be healed and clear. In a space to understand what's important to your kid, what do they value, what do they want, what do they dream for, what do they hope for? Help them with their self esteem, help them understand cause and effect is something that if they master it, they are free for the rest of their lives. And then model living your most inspired dream come true life. And no no matter what you do as a parent, your kid will have an issue with something. It plays out what they need to heal through and grow through and it has nothing to do with you. So their upset with you is their upset period directed at you because they don't know how to understand it.

21:15 But you being clear and you being a space for them to be them that's the game. And you living your best life, never putting it on hold because of they might be feeling some kind of a way about you. Live fully no matter what, show them that that's a possibility for them. Well. And you know, you have so many parents that really say to their children, this is how you need to be, this is how you need race. I mean, I grew up in a family five boys, one girl, and my dad was a university professor and he said that every one of us you will be professionals. And I know that that and we all did. But I know that that really has probably played a role in many areas of our lives that we haven't thought about.

22:07 How do parents? How do parents. Get to the point where they recognize number one, that they've got to work on themselves. And number two, it's interesting how so many parents watch their children and their behavior, and if their child does something for some reason, it seems like the parent takes it personally, gets very angry and starts to even do greater control over that child, whether it's punishment or whatever. How do parents overcome that and recognize that, you know what, your child does have their own values, they do have their own motivators. Yes, as a parent, you're there to teach them some correct principles of kindness and love and empathy and all of those type of things. But at the same time, how do we as parents eliminate that judgment that causes us when our children do something that we don't agree with. Yeah, rather than going in and judging them and making them feel worse, how do we overcome that as parents?

23:13 It's such a big question inside. I don't so. I mean, here's here's the deal. We're not trying to spiritually bypass our own humanity. Okay, we are human. The goal is to catch it quicker and quicker and course correct, quicker and quicker. Right, So you know when you feel at peace inside. I'm going to try to make this that is so complicated as simple as possible. You know when you feel like you, you know when you feel alive, you know when you feel peace. That means you're regulated. If you're disregulated, we want to be aware of that as much as possible, the difference between am I regulated or am I disregulated? If you're disregulated, take space and regulate.

23:56 Before you try to lead. Whether it's your kids, or your team, or whoever is in front of you. And the thing about triggers is they are never a problem. They are the gateway to the healing. That you need. You don't necessarily want healing. Likely what you want is resilience, right, But what we need when they're disregulated is emotional healing again, not more mindset and strategy. Traditional therapy doesn't work because you're trying to deal with emotions through the mind. You're trying to intellectually figure out what to do instead of looking at who you're being. So in a moment with your kid where you're taking something personally, or they're coming at you.

24:37 You know, I hate you? How could you? You're ruining my life. We've all had it. I have three kids. I've heard it, even from the nine year old. I've heard you know, they're mad at me or whatever. And that's fine. But the point is when I take it on, I perpetuate the trauma cycle when I go. You are welcome to your feelings their value. You are welcome to your emotions, they're valid. You are welcome to what you need and what you want. It's all valid. But I'm not. Going to stand here and take disrespect. We're going to communicate respectfully until we get to a solution. That works for us both. That's the goal. So ask them more questions without taking it on. Don't take on their pain. Be the one that models regulation and clarity and the space for if you have a request that's respectful. I'm here to listen if there's something you need from me, if there's something you want from me, if you haven't ask it, better be respectful, and then I'll let you know what I'm available for from there.

25:41 And really, just knowing their upset doesn't mean you fail disapparent and them triggering you doesn't mean anything is wrong or bad. Trust in the foundation of the relationship. You're killing trying to find their way. Yeah, and it sounds like what you're saying is the key is that when I get triggered as a parent, I need to look at that trigger. In that way, Where did that come from? And how do I deal with that? And I love how you talked about the fact that this communication with your children and really understanding them. There seems to be such a quote judgment that exists within parents that when they're when our children do something that we don't necessarily agree with or it doesn't meet our quote values, that there's a judgment that occurs within us internally, which then causes all sorts of issues. How do we start to eliminate that judgment? I mean, you know, there's the concept of you know, judge, not that you be not judged, that type of thing, But that's that's easy to say.

26:47 How do we get to the point as a parent where we minimize that judgment? And there's a difference I think between judgment and making sure that our kids are okay and hopefully heading in the right direction. Yeah, Well, the thing is we're never going to really be able to make sure our kids are okay and headed in the right direction. We have to trust that we really cared enough to learn about their values and to help them live their values unapologetically in the direction that works for them right. But we're not trying to bypass judgment. We're trying to recognize when I am judging you, that's just a sign I'm already judging me. But deeper than that judgment means I'm afraid. I think there's a threat.

27:32 And the truth is cancer taught me this, there really is no threat to our soul's journey and our soul's evolution. A Course in Miracles is a profoundly gorgeous spiritual text. I've done it four times, and there's a lesson in a Course in Miracles that says, nothing real can be threatened, nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God. And that quote saved my life when I was sick, because I knew I could live like I was going to live and the rest wasn't up to me. So did my actions align with my commitment to my life. That's what carried me through. And as parents, we can go I am meant to fully live, not put my life on hold because I have kids or because I'm a spouse, but I am meant to fully live while I'm raising these kids, while I'm with these you know, spouse or multiple partners or whatever it might be. You fully living is the best gift you can give your kids. You in alignment, authentic, with the volume turned all the way up on your essence and your spirit and your light.

28:37 That's the job. And we don't need to wait for a crisis, and we don't need a break down to break through. You can just decide today my job is to live fully while I hold space for my kids. Living fully, and I can let them know the real me, and I can be very interested and curious about knowing the real them and nurturing they are safe to decide who they want to be in this lifetime. And there's nothing they can do to make me love them less. And again, I think the best gift we can give our kids as parents. Is I want you to be who you are, not who I need you to be. Well, And you know, I think for some that's so difficult, And yet I think what you're saying is so true.

29:22 You know, we talk about relationships, whether it's be parent child, relationship with your you know, significant other, or relationships with people in general or in work and so forth. And you know what I hear so often, particularly in relationships with a you know, a special other person, is they're so difficult it's not worth it type of thing. How how do you get to the point where you believe that a relationship can truly be happy, blissful, have joy in spite of a few little, you know, irritations that come up here and there. How does someone develop it to that.

30:03 Point where they believe that, you know what, there is this hope and in fact they can achieve it. Yeah. You know. I am married to a man who when. I shared with him on date three and eleven page list front and back of everything I was looking for and a partner, I thought I'd. Scare him right away now with you. And he got out his own list and his was a half a page, not eleven pages front and back, but he had his own list. And when I shared with him my trauma story, thinking well, if my list didn't scare him off, my trauma story, share as hell will, he just sat there and goes, okay, you want to hear mine. And what we don't understand about relationships is they are for our soul's evolution. It's not just about you're supposed to be the source of my happiness and my orgasms.

30:49 You are here to help me see and. Identify how healed I am and where I still have weak spots. That is the point and the purpose of relationships. And we and be independent and have relationship. And this is where it gets all screwed up. Codependence is so normalized. There's me, there's you, there's us, and it's supposed to all be ameshed. I'm supposed to sacrifice myself and betray myself in the name of love to prove I love you. I'm supposed to worry about you and your happiness above my own. And that's love. That's what our society teaches, No I teach. There's you, there's them, and there's the relationship.

31:30 And your job is to be fully expressed and free, and you pursuing your individual passions and visions while you support your partner and their independence. My husband is. A traveling you know, executive, and I am a traveling executive and entrepreneur, and people ask us all the time how do we do it. I'm free to be me, he's free to be him. We co create and we nurture the relationship together. We're not losing ourselves in each other, and that is the number one thing that creates divorce. People lost themselves in the relationship, and in most cases they don't even know that happened. Now from there again, welcome the triggers. Go I'm triggered, instead of blaming it on my spouse or thinking if I kick them to the curb and put that divorce lawyer on retainer. Now I'm going to be good. You'll repeat the pattern with your next partner. And if you're someone I've had this too.

32:25 Clients come to me, I'm done. It's just not worth it to put myself out there again. Now they're dealing with the old dysfunction that they dealt with with their former spouse, with their boss, with their right hand at work, with a client. The patterns repeat until they're healed. So look at relationship as the best seminar to help you be the most self actualized, fully expressed you possible and communicate what you want so your partner has a chance to understand you better. We wait, We wait. Until we think it's okay, you're acceptable, but talk about out. Actually, here's what I want the heck I'll leave us with on this question, doctor Doug. Is this instead of focusing on the problem, talk to your partner about the solution.

33:12 Here's my idea I remember doing during COVID. My husband and I decided every night at seven thirty at night, we were going to take a walk in our beautiful neighborhood here in Boulder, Colorado. And I am so glad that we. Did that because we were getting really disconnected and really you know, focused on our differences about what we were thinking about what was going on in society and politically and all of this versus like finding common ground and what brought us together. So we started doing these walks every night, and then we started doing a Monday night date night. We've been doing it now for four years, and it changed everything. We focused on, all, right, we don't need to solve our problems.

33:54 We need to solve for what solution. Would tighten our relationship up and bring us closer together there, and we don't skip on Monday night date night. It's like church. Well, and you know, and I think that's that's amazing, and I love your I love your concept of the both had. In other words, you know what I think so many people think that looking internally within themselves, being focused on their own mental emotional health, physical health, and so forth in their life takes them away from a relationship. Whereas as you're saying, you know, you have my relationship. Your really you know, I am who I am, you are who you are. Now let's come together and all of a sudden it's a both and type of situation.

34:42 But you brought up the codependency that that seems to be a very very common experience for many people. But even more important, perhaps as you said it's a mentality that exists now in our society, is that somehow we put ourselves into a codependent relationship where we put ourselves in a relationship where you know, these are some things that are really important to me, and the other person says, I'm not going to support you in that. No, no, no, this is what I need. How do we how do we overcome that and how. Do we change this philosophy of codependency to where people can really approach relationship of you know, this is who I am, this is who you are as we come together, this is something that we can make work, or we look at it and say, you know what, this isn't going to work.

35:34 Let's let's move forward into a different situation. Yeah. Well, and this is my specialty is helping couples be absolutely two healed adults. Co creating magic together. That is the goal. Now here's the thing you must understand if you're going to actually have that. The other person is never the problem. The other person is never the problem, and they're never the solution. Now it doesn't mean they're not behaving badly or they didn't do what they did. You know, if there is not somebody an active addiction committed to keeping that addiction going, or physical. Abuse, and both people want. Their relationship to work, then you have to understand you're responsible for how you feel, you're responsible for your happiness, and you're responsible for being someone who maintains alignment. I teach the aligned intimacy method because it's easy to be alignment when it's just you with you. I had a client once that came to me and said, I'm ready to divorce my husband. I can't stand my kids. I'm just going to get divorced. And go buy a house in the woods and just live alone in the woods.

36:42 Screw it enough, you know already. And the thing is, they're not the problem. They're not the reason you gave yourself up. If you're resentful, if you're disappointed, if you're hurting in your relationship, it's real and it's valid. But I guarantee it's how you felt growing up and you just never wanted to feel that way again. And now this is how you feel. And this spouse of yours is the spiritual healer and teacher. That's the gateway for you healing up that inner child and that survival you and being healed and liberated and free no. Matter how they show up. So again, if you're in an abusive, dangerous situation, please get help and get out. If you're dealing with an addict that isn't wanting to take on their addiction, there's not going to be much you can do because they're in a relationship with their addiction, not with you. If those two things aren't happening, any relationship can heal.

37:37 I don't care if there's been affairs, I don't care how bad it is, was, lies, whatever, If both. People want it now, We've got to do the deep work to own the trigger and to go, okay, you just help me heal a trigger I didn't even know I needed to heal. And the trigger is always a trauma that hasn't healed yet. So now we can. Use each other to help our inner child heal. So we have two healed adults. And that's my favorite part of my work. I get to watch the moment where people meet each other for the first time. Well, and as you said, one thing you said, and I think it's key is both if both people want it. So here's the question. How many times do you start working in a relationship situation and you look at that and you go, Okay, this is something that absolutely can be yield And I assume you look at that and you pick up all the red flags and so forth and say, okay, you know what, we can do this, or you look at some of those and recognize, okay, we're dealing some with a narcissist, or we're dealing with this situation. This isn't going to work. At what point in time do you tell people you know what, it's time to separate and move on to a different life.

38:47 Yeah, what I do is two day couples intensives. So I'm like, let's rip off the band aid. Let's get you the information as soon as possible. Right, So give me two days and we're going to know did it work and we can reinvent in a way where we stay together or did it work. And we reinvent in a way where we. Gracefully and respectfully and lovingly divorce whether you're married or not. Right, So, if you're not clear and peaceful and Almo goo to love you and this era is over, bless you into your future, bless me into mine, you're not ready to get divorced.

39:28 So how do you change people that are not really willing to do that introspective work that may or as I say, they're either highly OCD, which is very difficult to overcome. They may be narcissists, which is very difficult to overcome, and that's its own separate type of abuse. And as you try to see them make those changes. They're not really willing or emotionally able to make those changes. Right. So the thing is, if you've y'ah, a partner that's just a hard no on wanting to do any work with you at all, then you heal and you divorce peacefully without doing the work with them, but still doing the work on yourself so that you can heal through how they're triggering you, what patterns you don't want to take with you into your future.

40:19 I just had a client that just finalized. A divorce today that had a spouse that wasn't going to do the work with her. So we did all this work to use him as a spiritual healer and teacher even without him in the room. What did he represent, right? Because he's not the problem. He represents patterns that need to be healed. But in almost every single case, Doctor Doug, the person wants it, they just don't know how. It feels like Mount Everest and the narcissist is in a trauma response and the OCD control freak is in a trauma response. So what I tell. People is, you don't need to know how I'm going to guide you through the how. I know exactly what to do with you. Guys to get you connect did to.

41:00 You the healed you and to each other the healed partner. You need to worry about the how. You just need to raise. Your hand and go. I am unwilling to not pull out all the stops here. I want to know I left no stone unturned. I want to know I became a more healed me so that I don't take patterns with me into my future, whether I stay in this relationship or not. If that appeals to you, give me a call and in two days I'll give. You all the information to move forward. And it's experiential work, and it's emotional work, and emotional work can be scary. Because we don't know we can survive our deepest pain. But if you don't take it.

41:41 On now, Pandora's box is running and maybe even ruining your life. I go, can we open up Pandora's Box? Please? Everything feels better and looks better and it is less scary with the light on. So how about we open the box with. The light on, look at it all, diffuse all of this charge, and move forward. None of this gets to ruin the rest of your life. And there is a before and. After, and that can be difficult, I think for a lot of people. But as you say, the outcome can be beautiful. Do you have a story that you can share of a family that you've worked with where there was almost a sense of you know, this is never going to happen. Oh God, I have a mission.

42:21 They have moved into a wonderful, blissful relationship. Just one story. Sure. Yeah, I have a woman who's a financial advisor, and she came to me saying. There's no way I'm going to be happy in my marriage. In my life. She had a special needs child, three kids, one with special needs, a husband, she was super disconnected from work, was her life, and we ended up setting up so much for this family. She wanted to go to Spain for a month. She thought the only way she could do that is if she got divorced first. She worked remotely in Spain for a month. Her dream husband was on board, supported, kids were on board and supported. She's about to celebrate her twenty year anniversary to her husband and they're going to Italy together.

43:08 And she had pushed him away for. So many years and now they're connecting and they're happy. And the kids get to see this. They get to see mom going to Spain, they get to see their parents going to Italy. They get to see, wow. My parents' lives isn't just about taking care of us and going through the motions. They're living and they're joyful. And this woman thought if she took on what she really wanted, she'd lose everything. And what I call it is high functioning unhappiness. She was suffering from high functioning unhappiness, and she was afraid if she dealt with her unhappiness, she'd threaten the high functioning part of her life.

43:49 But I was there to guide her. In, we are going to threaten the crap out of your unhappiness, not the high functioning part of your life. And if we don't threaten your unhappiness, the high functioning part of your life will be threatened. Threatening the high you know, the high functioning isn't the goal, threatening the unhappiness is. So this family is thriving on so many levels, and now the husband's coming to her and saying, hey, I got some dreams too, you ready, yeah? Yeah, And you know, and so that formula that you use is really what. It helps people to really focus on what's not functioning in their lives. And then as they do that, and as both partners start to do that, all of a sudden they can truly come together in communication and understanding and support.

44:36 Right, And you don't get to skip this season of I mean the first five years of my marriage, and we've been married. Almost thirteen years. First five years unhealed Rebecca and unhealed Mark. We're at odds and we just learned, all right, we're going to lean in. We're committed to We're closer at the end of this breakdown than we were. At the start of it every single time. And I remember saying to a coach, I am willing to have the same fight with Mark as many times as we need to until I stop feeling like I'm leveled every time we have the fight. And then there was the day where I was solid as a rock and we had the fight, and I was like, that's what this work is about. I am still me regardless.

45:21 Now there's a light, now there's an opening. I don't need him to be different. I'm not putting the pressure on him to be the source of I don't hurt anymore or. The fight doesn't happen. Therefore I'm okay. I'm okay no. Matter what is where we want to get to, because then now your marriage is about two heeled adults just being honest with themselves and each other, co creating together, designing life together where they're still independent and they're not trapped because they're married, but they also have this beautiful relationship to nurture. Together, and that brings about a lot of joy, doesn't it. Oh my god, it's so amazing. It is so much fun.

46:01 I mean, my husband and I have this crazy love story that's so unconventional in all my couples, thousands over the years, I'm helping them design their way. There's not a right way, and back to the parenting conversation earlier in this episode, there's not a writer or wrong way to do marriage. There's not a right or wrong way to parent. There's not a writer or a wrong way to live, or to heal or to lead. But there is what works for you. And that's what we have to find because that's the success metric. Am I in alignment with my own soul. The rest of it is everybody else's free will and agency and their soul journey well. And so as we close, what would be that message you want to share with the audience.

46:43 Yeah, the message I think is the most important for all of us day in and day out to rest in is be careful with each other's hearts, starting with your own. The goal is always soften more, more gentleness, more self love, more compassion, more forgiveness of you and letting your best be enough. And from there you. Can be careful with each other's hearts and that's how we heal the collective. Well, I love it. Thank you so much. This has been a great conversation, Rebecca, Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. How do people find you and how do people find your book? Yes, so, please visit me at Rebecca Silence dot com.

47:24 Rebecca has an h R E B e Ccah silence like be Quiet even though I'm not dot com Rebecca Silence. Dot com you can find the book. You can find my courses which if you don't want to do the VIP premium to day intensive with me, buy my Emotional Survival Kit for five hundred bucks and transform your family. It is money back guarantee, so good. Also available at Rebecca Silence dot com as well as how to work with me privately. Information is available there as well. You can also follow me on all the social channels. I have a YouTube channel with just a lifetime I'm worth. It's like Disneyland. You wouldn't be able to get through all the. Content if you tried but amazing shows and episodes at my Rebecca Sounds YouTube channel available as well well.

48:10 I love and thank you so much, folks. I hope you really have got something out of this. And please, please, if you're experiencing some challenges, give her a call, go to the website, get that book, go through that course, whatever it takes, because ultimately our whole life is meant to be joyful and happy. Yes. Yeah, so this is doctor Doug saying thanks for listening, Joining us again soon now mistake