June 23, 2025

Breaking the Cycle: Moving from Fear to Love in Relationships

Breaking the Cycle: Moving from Fear to Love in Relationships
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Discover how to transform struggling relationships by shifting from fear to love. Larry Bilotta shares insights on energy, communication, and personal growth to heal marriages and create lasting happiness. Learn how to change your mindset, embrace forgiveness, and foster deeper connections.

Inspire Vision Podcast is broadcast on K4HD Radio (www.k4hd.com) part of Talk 4 Radio (www.talk4radio.com) on the Talk 4 Media Network (www.talk4media.com).

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WEBVTT

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This program is designed to provide general information with regards

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to the subject matters covered. This information is given with

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the understanding that neither the hosts, guests, sponsors, or station

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are engaged in rendering any specific and personal medical, financial,

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legal counseling, professional service, or any advice. You should seek

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the services of competent professionals before applying or trying any

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suggested ideas.

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At the end of the day, it's not about what

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you have or even what you've accomplished. It's about what

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you've done with those accomplishments. It's about who you've lifted up,

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who you've made better. It's about what you've given back.

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Denzel Washington, welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is

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to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you

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to do the same.

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Larry, Welcome to the show.

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Thanks Doctor doug Hey, I'm I'm excited to have you

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on this show.

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Y'alling interesting topic that we're going to talk about today,

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and I'd love for you to kind of share with

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the audience who you are, what your background is, and

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how did you end up and what was your journey

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to bring you to this point in your life and

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doing what you're doing.

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So I had no idea that my life was in

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the advertising world. That's why I spent my career. And

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in the advertising world, you have to communicate by shorter

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words and simpler words, because that's what it takes to

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survive in advertising. If you don't have shorter, similar words,

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nobody's going to listen to you. And so that's where

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I was actually started my life in the advertising business,

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but through the nineties, and actually, if I go back

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to the nineteen seventies, I married a woman who is

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the toughest roughest woman in the world in my life,

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and she became my wife, and that's Marcia, and Marcia

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made my life very, very hard. The reason it was

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so hard is because that marriage was a woman who

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was raised in a home of strong people. The mother

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and father were very strong and when they got when

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they wanted to make their point, they got angry. And

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so that's what she learned. She learned anger. In the meantime,

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I have parents who were very quiet and subdued and

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didn't share their feelings. They didn't do anything mean to

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each other. They were very nice people, but privately they

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were not happy. And because they were not happy. One

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was an alcoholic and one was a gambler. So that's

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my so. My parents were shut down experts. They shut down,

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that's what they did. So when the woman who was

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angry marries the man who shuts down, what happens, Well,

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she gets angry and he shuts down just so predictably.

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But that was at the very beginning, and I didn't

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see any of that, didn't know any of it, didn't

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have any idea. So I spent forty years with her,

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and so for the first twenty seven years that was

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the hardest time of my life because the so, just

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to give you some historical perspective, when they impeached Nixon,

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that's the year we married, and when they elected the

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second Bush, that's when I ended my twenty seven years

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of hell. And the reason I ended by hell is

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because I didn't divorce her. What I did is I

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finally realized I could love myself. And when I could

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love myself, I changed all kinds of things. So the

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reason she was so angry is because I was so angry.

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The reason she was so reactionary to me is I

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was reactionary to myself, and so all the stuff that

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I learned I learned through pain, and in that forty

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years to the first twenty seven years was the most

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dramatic of that pain. And so that was really you know,

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people will say, well, are you a psychologist? I said, no,

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I had Marcia. I was raised by a marsha. And

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so let me interrupt you for a minute, because you

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brought something and I don't want to forget.

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Talking about it real quick. So after twenty seven years

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you said you started to learn to love yourself. What

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gave you that awareness? What came up or what happened

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that you ultimately said to yourself, Oh, my goodness, this

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has a lot to do with me, not her.

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Yes, well, that didn't come easy at all. And if

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you could picture the portrait, the portrait is a mad,

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angry woman storming around and attacking me in every way

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she could. And what I was doing was reacting to

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that and shutting down. And in the shutdown, I was

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learning something. And so I used to take out yellow

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pads and paper and I would write curiously for pages

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and pages and pages of what am I learning? What

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am I discovering? Because I was trying to become a learner,

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because if I didn't become a learner, I would become

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just a person who had collapsed into some kind of depression.

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So I couldn't have that. So I had to spend

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all my energy learning from what she was providing. She

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was providing pain, and a pain provider is a very

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good thing in life. When you have a pain provider,

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whether it be a professor, whether it be an army

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drill sergeant, whether it be a bad boss, no matter

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what it is, it's going to teach you something. And

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that's where you're going to learn to be really who

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you really are. And so that's really what happened to me.

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I had to learn who I really was. And so

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in the twenty seven years that started in the seventies

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and I went through that whole twenty seven years getting

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closer and closer and closer to discovering who I really was.

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And so when we look at me as a I

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use a scale called the Chaos to Purpose scale, and

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so I was raised right in the middle of that

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scale in the Twilight Salt. The middle of the scale

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is the place where they don't really raise you. You raise yourself.

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And the reason you have to raise yourself is because

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they're not teaching you they're not guiding you, they're not

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giving you principles, they're not saying anything to you. Really,

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So what my mother father were doing is they were

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trying to live their own lives. And because they were

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trying to live their own lives, they weren't raising us

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because that wasn't their passion. Their passions with their own

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self pursuits. So that was my discovery process. And so

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as I started to learn that more and more, I

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had to decide, like what do I know about myself?

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What do I like about myself? And this is not

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like that simple, it's like what do I like about myself?

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You don't ask yourself that question when you're going through pain,

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but a whole I like to say, it's a very convoluted,

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distorted learning process, and you can't duplicate it. You can't

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duplicate that learning process because it's in pain. You were

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in pain every day, every month, every week, every year.

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You're always in pain under some kind of new event.

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It's always causing you trouble. So I really couldn't do

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anything but stick to it and keep on learning. The

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other reason I kept sticking to it and not leaving,

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quitting divorcing is because I was programmed to stay married

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and miserable, and that's how my per parents were, that's

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what her parents were. They were married and miserable. And

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by staying married and miserable, you have to not quit.

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And so that kept us together and that allowed the

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learning to continue. So the sticking to the big sticking

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point for me was saying, I either have to go

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ahead in learning or I have to go backwards and collapse.

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Ahead in learning or backwards and collapse. I couldn't decide,

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and so I had some pressure event had to do it.

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And so when I finally had that pressure event, that

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became my snap line. I really decided that I'm going

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to be a learner. I'm going to use all this

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trouble to learning. So that's what the twenty seven years like.

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Somewhere in the early part of it, I had to

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make the decision that I was going to stay and learn.

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And so that meant a lot of writing, a lot

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of journaling, a lot of discovery. And my little format

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was my yellow Legal Paths, where I had them all

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stacked up with all kinds of ida is and tools

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and discoveries and all those things. But why did I

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learn it? All that way. I learned it because I

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was in pain, and so I always like to say

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when people are in pain, when they're like, the most

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common one is really tough marriages. But what people want

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to do is they want to leave bad marriages. And

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so in my discovery process of working with marriage all

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these you know, fifteen years, I realize these patterns that

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people have, they have a chaos childhood, and so they like,

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what will happen is the high side of the scale.

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They're raised on the high side of the scale. They

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marry a person raised on the low side of the scale.

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And the reason that's so important is because the scale

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represents values, so values of commitment, loyalty, honesty, commit joy, communication, comfort, likability,

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all those values that you're given in a ten side

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of the scale at the high side. What you learned

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in the low side is dysfunction, debate, arguing, fighting, criticism, blame, defensiveness, confrontation.

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You learn all those things in the lower side of

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the scale. And that's what it is. It's a value system,

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a value of the high sight, a value of the

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lower side. And so that's actually what I discovered slowly

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going through this is I really was raised in the

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middle of the scale what I called the twilight zone,

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because they didn't really raise me. I had to figure

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everything out myself. That's why when I got married, I

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had no idea what was happening, Like, I don't even

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know why I'm married or how it happened. It just

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wasn't just a strange thing that was. It didn't even

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have anything to do with falling in love. It had

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to do more with interest. I was interested in her, right,

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It was not like I fell in love with it.

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I didn't really have that. So I didn't love myself,

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so it made sense that I would get married to

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a person who couldn't love me. That would make sense, right,

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So now that I'm living that way, I had to

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finally decide, through a lot of trouble that I had

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to be a learner. And becoming a learner is a

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decision anybody can make, but they can't make it unless

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they have a pain source.

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So what happened after is they can't what happened after

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twenty seven years? And you know you talked about forty

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years now, So what happened after twenty seven and how

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did you ultimately start to develop a different relationship with

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your wife.

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So when SO think about this, I'm learning from her

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because she's providing pain. She's not providing teaching or instruction.

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She's providing pain. What I'm providing is discovery, and I'm

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discovering things about myself and about her and about childhood

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and all the stuff that's being taught in psychology, and

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all that information is out there. You just have to

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go find the pieces of assembly. So I was motivated to

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do that, and that's why I talk so much about

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chaos kids, because what chaos kids are people who are

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raised at the bottom of the scale and they get

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married as adults and they expect they're going to have

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a marriage. Well, a chaos kid can't even stay married

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longer than twenty seven years, and the ones that go

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beyond twenty seven years are held by some other kind

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of glue that keeps them together that they don't even understand.

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So I realize that chaos kids are really the reason

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why marriages collapse. So I've spent time with people both

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raised at the top of the scale, and I've seen

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their dynamics, and their dynamics are they have goodwill, they

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have kindness, they have a sense of humor, they have likableness,

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they have forgiveness. That's the stuff that two people at

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the top of the scale are like. That's what they're like.

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That's why they can go to a marriage seminar, learn

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whatever's being delivered and suddenly get better and like you think, wow,

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look at that marriage. And I really turned them around. Well,

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the reason they turned them around because they were both

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purpose kids. So I actually spent some time in a

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seminar with a guy who is teaching these kinds of ideas,

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and so when he would find people who really were

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trouble right, agree with a lot of trouble, I meet

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with them at the back of the room. And when

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I meet with them in the back of the room,

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you know what I found every time one or both

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of them were chaos kids. One or both of them

225
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were at the bottom of that scale, that really troubling

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value system. And so every time I found that, and

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the guy on stage would say, hey, if you really

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are having some real serious trouble, go see lyrics very

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back of the room. Right. So now remember this group

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a seminar like about seventy to eighty people, and the

231
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people who came to the back of the room were

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really hurting. Why were they hurting because they had chaos

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in their childhoods. And that means the chaos is in

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that big vat below the conscious mind. Right, that big

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vat holds all the instructions from the fifty five thousand

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hours of our waking days. For ten years, we spend

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that kind of time with our parents. Those parents are

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they call them programmers, but what they are is they're

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people who give instructure and they get instruction because of

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what they don't do. They give instruction because of what

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they do do. They give instruction by how they hurt.

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They give instruction by how they support. So all the

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things they give out are some kind of instruction in

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that big vat below the conscious mind. And so what

245
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goes into that vat is actually what runs your life.

246
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That's the reason psychologists say most of your life is

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actually run by the subconscious mind. I've never met anybody

248
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who really understands that and really can explain it, right.

249
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But the idea is, there's this big vat below in

250
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the bottom, and that big vat holds the fifty five

251
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thousand hours of messages, and that's really what it is.

252
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It's messages because they're live they're living messages, and they're active,

253
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and they're always ready to be shot up to the

254
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conscious mind and take you over. And because that's always

255
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waiting for you at any time here, subconscious actually runs

256
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your life. And most of us who live in the

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world of society and pop culture, we don't want to

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know that. We don't want to know the subconscious because

259
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the subconsciousnes is a weird, weird place. We don't want

260
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to think about. What we want to think about is

261
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that little jar at the top of that conscious mind.

262
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Okay, so twenty seven years, I'm going back to my

263
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original question. Twenty seven years what did you start doing

264
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not for yourself, but how did you start communicating with

265
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your wife? What was the element that brought about the

266
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communication I guess to where you were able to start

267
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to change that relationship with your wife.

268
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Okay, So with being two opposite systems, right, the fighting

269
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and the shutting down, what ended that is really your question?

270
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How did you stop living as a shutting down person

271
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with a fighting person? And it had to do with

272
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me in my own energy, and so my own energy

273
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was fear that was actually governing me and I couldn't

274
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see it was fear. I didn't want to admit it

275
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was fear, but it was there. And so as I

276
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was living in fear so long and she kept pummeling

277
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it and stirring the fear, actually increasing it, I had

278
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to decide what am I afraid of? And that was

279
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a very hard question to answer. What am I afraid of?

280
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What is my fear made of? And so as I

281
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started to dig deeper and deeper into that, I started

282
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to And this is we're talking years, by the way,

283
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this is not a week's it's years of slowly realizing

284
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that I was afraid of a lot of things, not

285
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just of her, but I was afraid of what I

286
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might think, about what I might do, about what I

287
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might destroy. Right, so all of this is starting to meet,

288
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causing me to realize that my fear is made with me.

289
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It's not made of anybody I'm married. It's made of me.

290
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And so I bought into the fear idea. And the

291
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reason I bought the fear idea is it made me

292
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come up with an analogy. The analogy is called the

293
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cruise ship. And so what the cruise ship says is

294
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you're a cruise ship in the analogy, and you have

295
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a rat on your ship. And you marry somebody and

296
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they have a cruise ship and they have a rat

297
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on their ship. Now the ships don't know they have rats, right,

298
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but the rats have radios and they're sending a message

299
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back and forth called against energy, and it's so severe.

300
00:16:11.039 --> 00:16:13.840
The ships are separating and they don't know why. So

301
00:16:14.039 --> 00:16:17.399
your ship, the person who's aware goes to the seminar

302
00:16:17.440 --> 00:16:19.600
and finds out they might have a rat. So they

303
00:16:19.639 --> 00:16:21.519
find out they have a rat, they get it off

304
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the ship. Finally, now we have two ships, but this

305
00:16:24.279 --> 00:16:26.919
time we only have one rat. Now that one rat

306
00:16:27.000 --> 00:16:30.120
is still mad as ever, but it can't do anything

307
00:16:30.120 --> 00:16:32.600
because there's no second rat to push back. Because that's

308
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really what created the tension in me. I had this

309
00:16:35.919 --> 00:16:39.080
rat that was creating this big problem with her rat,

310
00:16:39.399 --> 00:16:42.360
and our ships were separating. Our ships were separating, and

311
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that's really what made me discover, oh, I can stop.

312
00:16:45.600 --> 00:16:47.639
I can get this rat off the ship. I can

313
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do something about my own rat and get it off

314
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the ship. And that's going to allow me to start

315
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to feel less fear. And that turned out to be

316
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what started to change me, because now I didn't have

317
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to shut down so much. Now I could ask questions. Now,

318
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I could talk. Now I can speak calmly, and maybe

319
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I can calm down. And so as I started to

320
00:17:08.079 --> 00:17:11.759
lose my fear, everything started to change, including the way

321
00:17:11.799 --> 00:17:14.279
she treated me. She treated me a whole lot better

322
00:17:14.759 --> 00:17:17.279
because my fear was gone and I didn't have to

323
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do with her. It had to do with me, right.

324
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And so once you have once you've isolated that it's

325
00:17:23.519 --> 00:17:25.599
the problem's not out there. It's not out in there

326
00:17:25.640 --> 00:17:27.640
in the world and all the characters that are out there,

327
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The problem is always in yourself. It's never out there.

328
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And once you realize it's never out there, now you've

329
00:17:32.920 --> 00:17:35.319
got to look inside and find your answer. And your

330
00:17:35.359 --> 00:17:37.519
answer is you probably have a rat on your ship.

331
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And the rat on your ship is the pain of

332
00:17:39.720 --> 00:17:41.839
your childhood. And if you've got a lot of pain

333
00:17:41.880 --> 00:17:44.880
in your childhood, you've got a bigger rat. Wow. Okay,

334
00:17:45.079 --> 00:17:47.359
So you know you talk.

335
00:17:47.240 --> 00:17:50.559
About the chaos kid phenomenon, and chaos includes I would

336
00:17:50.599 --> 00:17:53.799
assume a lot of things, whether you have angry parents

337
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or parents that are really not really parenting. As you

338
00:17:57.599 --> 00:18:01.079
say here, maybe one is and one isn't. Obviously, there's

339
00:18:01.079 --> 00:18:03.519
a number of people that go through both emotional, physical,

340
00:18:03.559 --> 00:18:07.400
abews that type of thing. All of those things are

341
00:18:07.480 --> 00:18:10.559
there and you know, for you it took you twenty

342
00:18:10.599 --> 00:18:15.839
seven years, but also a very inquisitive mind to be

343
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able to start, you know, doing what you were doing,

344
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going to workshop, going to seminars, you know, journaling, doing

345
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all of those type of things. So how do people

346
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that are in a relationship that is just not working

347
00:18:29.440 --> 00:18:35.119
for them? How does one of them actually what are

348
00:18:35.160 --> 00:18:37.119
some of the key elements of their personality?

349
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What do they need to be able to do?

350
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If they say, you know what I really want to

351
00:18:42.240 --> 00:18:44.119
I want this to work, I want to stay married,

352
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what do they do?

353
00:18:45.839 --> 00:18:49.079
So if we simplify this a lot, Yeah in the

354
00:18:49.119 --> 00:18:51.640
podcast you have to because you don't want to get

355
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into the weeds with ideas. But if we simplify it,

356
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I start to tell you that will changed the whole marriage.

357
00:18:58.480 --> 00:19:02.039
I realized that I was living in fear, and that's

358
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what And that took a long time because somebody didn't

359
00:19:04.640 --> 00:19:07.319
mentor me into did you realize you're in fear? No,

360
00:19:07.400 --> 00:19:09.680
that it wasn't like that. I had to slowly discover it.

361
00:19:10.480 --> 00:19:13.559
But when you when you're thinking about the two worlds,

362
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we could live in we live in the world of fear,

363
00:19:16.480 --> 00:19:18.279
or we live in the world of love. And so

364
00:19:18.359 --> 00:19:21.640
when we wanted like fear and love, that's really kind

365
00:19:21.640 --> 00:19:23.720
of out there and weird and I don't even know

366
00:19:23.759 --> 00:19:26.119
how to apply it. But let's think about it differently.

367
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If we think about fear and say, fear is made

368
00:19:29.400 --> 00:19:31.839
of a thousand words in the English language, and they're

369
00:19:31.839 --> 00:19:35.000
negative and a thousand words. That's a lot of words, right,

370
00:19:35.400 --> 00:19:38.680
and those are words like anxiety and doubt and frustration

371
00:19:38.839 --> 00:19:41.559
and hate and just all the words, a thousand of them. Okay,

372
00:19:41.839 --> 00:19:44.920
that's the world of fear, that thousand words. Because it's

373
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not just the word, it's the energy of the word.

374
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So we have a thousand words, We've got a thousand energies.

375
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And now we got a lot of negativity there, right,

376
00:19:52.519 --> 00:19:54.559
So now we go to the world of love. What's that?

377
00:19:54.559 --> 00:20:02.160
That's a thousand words in the English language that we love, kindness, forgiveness, thankfulness, beauty, joy, Right,

378
00:20:02.279 --> 00:20:05.359
a thousand words. Right. When you think about a thousand words,

379
00:20:05.440 --> 00:20:08.000
now you start realizing, oh, that's the world of love.

380
00:20:08.160 --> 00:20:10.720
But I can't comprehend a thousand words. So what I

381
00:20:10.799 --> 00:20:13.920
teach is an assignment that I give people. I said,

382
00:20:14.799 --> 00:20:16.839
what you do is go on the Internet and enter

383
00:20:16.920 --> 00:20:20.680
the words negative words. And when you enter the negative words,

384
00:20:20.720 --> 00:20:23.359
the internet will give you back lists, list and lists

385
00:20:23.359 --> 00:20:25.880
of words. And so what your job has to do

386
00:20:26.119 --> 00:20:29.519
is to go through those words and find twenty five

387
00:20:29.720 --> 00:20:32.640
that's it, twenty five words. And so when you have

388
00:20:32.759 --> 00:20:36.480
the twenty five words, you now have fear for you

389
00:20:36.960 --> 00:20:39.119
because the twenty five words are words you relate to,

390
00:20:39.599 --> 00:20:42.079
words you understand, words that mean something to you. And

391
00:20:42.119 --> 00:20:44.920
now you've got a personalized list of fear. And so

392
00:20:45.000 --> 00:20:46.759
now when you have it, to kind of relate to

393
00:20:46.799 --> 00:20:50.759
it because it's your words, right, And that's the fear assignment.

394
00:20:51.039 --> 00:20:54.039
The love assignment is to find twenty five words on

395
00:20:54.079 --> 00:20:56.599
the internet. By entering positive words on the internet. Now

396
00:20:56.680 --> 00:20:59.240
you're going to get lists, right, but you go through

397
00:20:59.279 --> 00:21:02.000
the words to words that really means something to you,

398
00:21:02.039 --> 00:21:05.440
that's something you understand, something value makes me feel like Christmas,

399
00:21:05.519 --> 00:21:07.839
you know, you feel really good. So when you've got

400
00:21:07.880 --> 00:21:10.440
this twenty five words of love, you've now got a

401
00:21:10.480 --> 00:21:12.519
feel for love. And so what I started to do

402
00:21:12.559 --> 00:21:15.279
when I first did this, I had my two words,

403
00:21:15.359 --> 00:21:17.079
and I just want to show you what my original

404
00:21:17.400 --> 00:21:20.880
list looks like. That's my original list right there. Wow. Okay.

405
00:21:21.319 --> 00:21:23.640
So so when I looked at the two lists, I

406
00:21:23.680 --> 00:21:25.920
started to glance at them, just back and forth, two three,

407
00:21:26.000 --> 00:21:28.119
four times a day. And as I started to look

408
00:21:28.160 --> 00:21:30.359
the Fear list, which I relate to because there's twenty

409
00:21:30.359 --> 00:21:33.200
five that are part of me, I started to feel something.

410
00:21:33.519 --> 00:21:35.480
And what I started to feel is I don't want

411
00:21:35.519 --> 00:21:38.920
this be a thing. I want love. I don't want fear.

412
00:21:38.920 --> 00:21:39.400
I want love.

413
00:21:39.440 --> 00:21:41.680
I kept choosing it over and over and over again,

414
00:21:42.039 --> 00:21:44.680
and I started to realize that if I choose it,

415
00:21:45.160 --> 00:21:48.160
I'm moving that in that direction, my choosing is moving.

416
00:21:48.640 --> 00:21:50.640
So I'm choosing it and I'm moving, and I'm choosing

417
00:21:50.680 --> 00:21:53.400
it and moving. Every time I glance between the Fearless

418
00:21:53.400 --> 00:21:55.640
and the Love list, I start moving. Now. I don't

419
00:21:55.640 --> 00:21:57.200
see it, I don't feel it. I don't even know

420
00:21:57.200 --> 00:22:00.240
what's happening. But I started to do that for two

421
00:22:00.279 --> 00:22:04.880
three weeks and one day I had like a difficult thing.

422
00:22:04.960 --> 00:22:09.319
I was facing a difficult personal relationship and I had

423
00:22:09.359 --> 00:22:12.000
to decide whether I was going to live in fear

424
00:22:12.359 --> 00:22:15.240
or live in love. And I had a choice. I

425
00:22:15.279 --> 00:22:18.640
have choice to make and I what's really amazing is

426
00:22:18.680 --> 00:22:22.440
I automatically chose a love response instead of a fear response.

427
00:22:22.680 --> 00:22:25.279
And as I happened, like boom, all of a sudden,

428
00:22:25.680 --> 00:22:30.039
like wow, I'm choosing the love response. That feels really good. Right,

429
00:22:30.319 --> 00:22:33.559
So now I'm being encouraged that my love list is

430
00:22:33.559 --> 00:22:36.440
where I'm moving to. I'm going there. I'm leaving fear,

431
00:22:36.559 --> 00:22:39.920
I'm moving the love. I'm moving right. So that little

432
00:22:39.960 --> 00:22:44.079
assignment has been a really key Like the course I

433
00:22:44.119 --> 00:22:47.119
teach is called the environment Changer. It's called the environment

434
00:22:47.160 --> 00:22:49.559
changer because I'm changing the environment of my mind. That's

435
00:22:49.599 --> 00:22:52.799
actually how this marriage went. I was changing the environment

436
00:22:52.799 --> 00:22:55.960
of my mind. Well, it turns out that everybody, some way,

437
00:22:56.079 --> 00:22:58.720
somehow needs to change the environment of their mind. And

438
00:22:58.759 --> 00:23:01.000
so now everybody does it a lot of different ways.

439
00:23:01.240 --> 00:23:03.359
But the way I do it as a teach it

440
00:23:03.359 --> 00:23:06.400
in this course is really to actually get people to

441
00:23:06.480 --> 00:23:08.640
leave the world of fear and move into the world

442
00:23:08.680 --> 00:23:09.000
of love.

443
00:23:09.359 --> 00:23:11.000
Well, and let me let me ask you the question

444
00:23:11.079 --> 00:23:14.160
on that. Then, So as you look at those words

445
00:23:14.680 --> 00:23:17.759
and you said, when you responded to that particular situation,

446
00:23:18.000 --> 00:23:20.640
you decided to move into the love or the positive

447
00:23:20.759 --> 00:23:24.799
rather than the negative. What was the response to the

448
00:23:24.839 --> 00:23:27.920
other individual, because obviously they were having those emotions, they

449
00:23:27.920 --> 00:23:30.920
were feeling those things. And I don't know what that

450
00:23:30.960 --> 00:23:34.319
situation was, but if you know, it was coming that way,

451
00:23:34.440 --> 00:23:39.039
and you could have responded negatively, but instead you responded

452
00:23:39.119 --> 00:23:41.759
with words that were positive.

453
00:23:42.240 --> 00:23:47.200
And then what happened. So you want to know what happened?

454
00:23:47.480 --> 00:23:50.720
And you think, well, you said something, you did something.

455
00:23:50.839 --> 00:23:52.720
That's what you did. You said something, you did something,

456
00:23:52.720 --> 00:23:55.079
and it must have been really really good, right, that's

457
00:23:55.079 --> 00:23:57.359
what you want to say. But it turns out I

458
00:23:57.359 --> 00:24:00.640
didn't say anything. I didn't do anything. I did is

459
00:24:00.680 --> 00:24:06.000
I change the energy of my my my output of

460
00:24:05.200 --> 00:24:08.759
the energy that's going out of me changed. That's what

461
00:24:08.799 --> 00:24:12.519
love does. Love changes your energy. It doesn't change your words,

462
00:24:12.680 --> 00:24:15.440
It doesn't change what your body does. It changes what

463
00:24:15.480 --> 00:24:18.440
you feel and what you give off. And that's really

464
00:24:18.480 --> 00:24:22.000
where the change is. And that's like real, not worldly,

465
00:24:22.079 --> 00:24:26.799
because it's so not sensational. Your energy changes. Well, wait

466
00:24:26.799 --> 00:24:29.480
a minute, we change, we change our bodies in our models.

467
00:24:29.480 --> 00:24:31.480
That's what we do. Well, I know that's what the

468
00:24:31.480 --> 00:24:34.279
world does, but that's not what works. What works is

469
00:24:34.400 --> 00:24:37.319
change your energy, and that's what people change from they

470
00:24:37.400 --> 00:24:40.000
change from a feeling they get they get a feeling

471
00:24:40.240 --> 00:24:41.559
and they change their decision.

472
00:24:41.960 --> 00:24:44.519
Well, and if we if we look at that in

473
00:24:44.559 --> 00:24:48.119
a more you know, different way that I what came

474
00:24:48.160 --> 00:24:52.160
to my mind was communication. And obviously we're talking communication

475
00:24:52.279 --> 00:24:56.480
here and you're suggesting energy. What what I would suggest

476
00:24:56.759 --> 00:24:59.720
and what your input on this is. You know, there

477
00:24:59.759 --> 00:25:02.640
are there are three ways in which we communicate. We

478
00:25:02.759 --> 00:25:07.480
have the words, which research shows is a small percentage

479
00:25:07.880 --> 00:25:13.319
of communication. We have the tone, which creates a much

480
00:25:13.440 --> 00:25:18.359
higher percentage of communication. And we also have the bodily

481
00:25:18.960 --> 00:25:23.240
response and how we act, which also is higher on

482
00:25:23.319 --> 00:25:27.680
that level. So from what you're telling me, because when

483
00:25:27.680 --> 00:25:30.599
we talk about tone, when we talk about you know,

484
00:25:30.680 --> 00:25:33.559
the body and how we look and you know, so

485
00:25:33.680 --> 00:25:38.200
on and so forth, that's energy that words or words.

486
00:25:38.240 --> 00:25:42.200
But that's the smallest part of communication.

487
00:25:42.160 --> 00:25:44.759
You know, doctor Doug. I'm really glad you're bringing that

488
00:25:44.839 --> 00:25:47.920
up that way, because a lot of people are not

489
00:25:48.079 --> 00:25:50.279
good with words. They don't have the words, they don't

490
00:25:50.279 --> 00:25:51.839
know what the words are, they don't know how to

491
00:25:51.920 --> 00:25:54.480
use them. They just don't communicate very well because they

492
00:25:54.519 --> 00:25:57.279
just don't have that makeup to be good with words.

493
00:25:57.680 --> 00:26:00.920
And so when we think about so don't help us.

494
00:26:01.319 --> 00:26:04.680
Know the way you feel does help us because if

495
00:26:04.680 --> 00:26:07.720
we can start to live in an energy of a

496
00:26:07.799 --> 00:26:11.440
higher vibration, that's what love is. It's a very high vibration.

497
00:26:11.920 --> 00:26:15.440
And the higher you go, the higher that is. Because

498
00:26:16.000 --> 00:26:18.920
when you think about living in the world, it's a

499
00:26:19.000 --> 00:26:21.759
very low vibration. This place is a very low vibrating place.

500
00:26:21.839 --> 00:26:24.640
Yeah right, But when you go into love, love is

501
00:26:24.680 --> 00:26:27.839
a very high vibration place. And so this little exercise

502
00:26:28.160 --> 00:26:31.880
of coming up with the two lists. Of these two lists,

503
00:26:32.039 --> 00:26:34.240
nobody can give that list to you. You can't give

504
00:26:34.240 --> 00:26:35.880
the two list to anybody. And the reason you can

505
00:26:36.039 --> 00:26:37.880
is because it's got to be so personal. It's got

506
00:26:37.920 --> 00:26:40.480
to belong to the person. That means they have to

507
00:26:40.480 --> 00:26:42.920
come up with the list. I have a list on

508
00:26:43.680 --> 00:26:45.720
the list, I have out the word crazy. You know

509
00:26:45.759 --> 00:26:48.319
why crazy is on the list because in my younger

510
00:26:48.400 --> 00:26:51.039
years I used to say the word a lot, like

511
00:26:51.119 --> 00:26:54.440
that's crazy, Oh, you're crazy, right. I used to say

512
00:26:54.440 --> 00:26:57.200
it over and over again, and somebody actually had to

513
00:26:57.200 --> 00:26:59.160
call me out on it, like why don't you say

514
00:26:59.160 --> 00:27:03.000
crazy all the time? I didn't know another word that's

515
00:27:03.000 --> 00:27:05.640
on here? Is the word impossible? Why? Because I always

516
00:27:05.680 --> 00:27:08.920
said it. I said, oh, that's impossible. Nobody can do that.

517
00:27:08.920 --> 00:27:11.640
That's impossible. I would say it, right. So that's the

518
00:27:11.680 --> 00:27:15.039
reason why my list has the Fearless has those words

519
00:27:15.079 --> 00:27:18.440
on it. But when you're talking about the ways we communicate,

520
00:27:19.079 --> 00:27:21.799
the word version is not very good, and we can

521
00:27:21.839 --> 00:27:24.200
goof it up quite easily. And so if you're not

522
00:27:24.240 --> 00:27:27.559
good with words, that's really a good thing to learn. Like, oh,

523
00:27:27.680 --> 00:27:31.759
so my energy can change what I'm giving to be people.

524
00:27:32.519 --> 00:27:35.400
Energy can change how they're feeling. Energy can change what

525
00:27:35.519 --> 00:27:39.960
decisions they make. My energy can change what decisions they make. Yeah,

526
00:27:40.079 --> 00:27:42.119
and you don't make those decisions for them, They make

527
00:27:42.160 --> 00:27:45.240
them themselves, but your energy changes what they decide. Now,

528
00:27:45.279 --> 00:27:48.319
I've seen this in couples. As a guy starts to

529
00:27:48.319 --> 00:27:50.519
get better and better at moving the love and his

530
00:27:50.640 --> 00:27:55.720
veribration is higher and higher, his wife starts making different decisions. Why,

531
00:27:56.119 --> 00:27:59.039
because she's picking up the energy of his I call

532
00:27:59.079 --> 00:28:02.559
it the waterfall because it's like mood and attitude and

533
00:28:02.599 --> 00:28:06.359
frequencies and vibrations. So when she feels those things, he

534
00:28:06.440 --> 00:28:08.839
can't explain it. She can't say I'm doing this because

535
00:28:08.960 --> 00:28:11.799
she doesn't use words. In fact, there's no words exchange

536
00:28:11.839 --> 00:28:15.119
at all. And so what she's doing is like should

537
00:28:15.119 --> 00:28:17.599
I go out with my girlfriends or should I spend

538
00:28:17.680 --> 00:28:20.640
some time with Jeremy? You know, like now she makes

539
00:28:20.680 --> 00:28:23.240
the decision, now I should spend time with Jeremy. Why

540
00:28:23.400 --> 00:28:26.680
because he feels better than my girlfriends do. Right? How

541
00:28:26.680 --> 00:28:30.319
does she make that decision? Energy? Energy does that? Right?

542
00:28:30.440 --> 00:28:33.400
So it's almost like, so are you talking to me

543
00:28:33.519 --> 00:28:36.359
to like live this on faith? Is that kind of

544
00:28:36.400 --> 00:28:38.640
what you're saying, live it on faith? Well, you kind

545
00:28:38.640 --> 00:28:40.680
of have to have faith because you have to have

546
00:28:40.720 --> 00:28:43.359
faith because you don't know anything about energy. You don't

547
00:28:43.359 --> 00:28:46.000
know about frequencies, and you don't know what about what

548
00:28:46.119 --> 00:28:48.279
a vibration is. You don't know whether an energy is,

549
00:28:48.799 --> 00:28:51.240
what a sensitivity is, You don't know those things at all.

550
00:28:51.519 --> 00:28:54.559
So you really can't look and quantify anything in any

551
00:28:54.680 --> 00:28:58.359
rigid way. So the only way is to practice changing

552
00:28:58.440 --> 00:29:01.160
your energy. And so move from fear to love is

553
00:29:01.200 --> 00:29:03.960
really the easiest thing I've ever seen. You know, I've

554
00:29:03.960 --> 00:29:06.279
been teaching this course for fifteen years and I've never

555
00:29:06.319 --> 00:29:07.359
seen anything that easy.

556
00:29:07.960 --> 00:29:10.160
I've got a lot of well, a lot of tools.

557
00:29:10.359 --> 00:29:14.160
You know, and it's interesting. I've always I've always suggested,

558
00:29:14.200 --> 00:29:16.119
and this is a concept that I came up with

559
00:29:16.160 --> 00:29:19.680
a while ago, and you know, a lot of people

560
00:29:19.759 --> 00:29:24.160
understand this, but I've always said, you know what, even

561
00:29:24.240 --> 00:29:28.079
in my own life, my behavior is merely a reflection

562
00:29:28.799 --> 00:29:32.319
of who I am, and in my mind, part of

563
00:29:32.359 --> 00:29:37.720
our whole purpose, even being on this planet and being

564
00:29:37.920 --> 00:29:41.519
in this physical forum, is to be able to learn

565
00:29:42.160 --> 00:29:49.160
how to become, as you say, that love and become

566
00:29:49.319 --> 00:29:53.279
an individual that is full of love, because then your

567
00:29:53.359 --> 00:29:58.880
virtu will reflect that. Hopefully your energy definitely will reflect that,

568
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:03.559
and your behavior will reflect that. And as you say,

569
00:30:03.599 --> 00:30:06.880
I talk about magnets and the fact that when we

570
00:30:06.960 --> 00:30:12.920
put out a certain energy, we receive that magnet energy back.

571
00:30:12.960 --> 00:30:15.519
And as you say, as you were putting out that energy,

572
00:30:15.559 --> 00:30:18.640
affair and frustration and whatever that happened to be, and

573
00:30:18.680 --> 00:30:22.480
you have twenty five words that describe that, your wife

574
00:30:22.599 --> 00:30:27.240
probably just automatically was giving that back to you because

575
00:30:27.279 --> 00:30:29.200
you were the magnet that was attracting it.

576
00:30:29.559 --> 00:30:32.720
That's right. Now, that's another way of talking about magnets, right,

577
00:30:32.920 --> 00:30:36.880
because magnets pull, and so the idea of something pulling

578
00:30:37.000 --> 00:30:41.559
an invisible energy pulling like that's you actually have to

579
00:30:41.599 --> 00:30:44.599
experience it yourself to actually feel like a lot. Something

580
00:30:44.680 --> 00:30:47.440
pulled it, something pulled me there. And so if you

581
00:30:47.440 --> 00:30:49.720
don't have any of those experiences, you don't know what

582
00:30:49.799 --> 00:30:53.079
magnets are like in your own personal life. But that

583
00:30:53.720 --> 00:30:56.599
was a lot like how I was able to go

584
00:30:56.680 --> 00:30:59.839
through that twenty seven years that what I called help

585
00:31:00.200 --> 00:31:02.720
seven years a hell. But in twenty eighth year, that's

586
00:31:02.799 --> 00:31:06.240
actually the year that I started to realize I could live.

587
00:31:07.160 --> 00:31:09.279
I didn't call it this at the time, but I

588
00:31:09.319 --> 00:31:12.119
could live in an energy of love, and I could

589
00:31:12.240 --> 00:31:14.720
like myself and I could feel good about her. I

590
00:31:14.720 --> 00:31:16.839
could feel good about me. And as I started to

591
00:31:16.839 --> 00:31:22.079
feel good about all that shutdown, fearful drive that was

592
00:31:22.119 --> 00:31:27.720
actually born into my childhood, that beer based shutting down

593
00:31:28.279 --> 00:31:31.240
didn't help me at all. And so I was able

594
00:31:31.240 --> 00:31:33.480
to do something new. And I was able to do

595
00:31:33.519 --> 00:31:36.359
something new because I had the pain motivation to do it.

596
00:31:36.720 --> 00:31:40.160
Okay, so here's my question, at what point in time

597
00:31:40.240 --> 00:31:44.839
did your wife finally realize If she ever did that,

598
00:31:45.440 --> 00:31:49.799
she also had to do some of that introspective work

599
00:31:50.240 --> 00:31:56.200
and start to become more of that love rather than

600
00:31:56.880 --> 00:32:00.599
the anger for her as you put it, at what

601
00:32:00.640 --> 00:32:02.279
point in time does you have to do that? And

602
00:32:02.400 --> 00:32:05.759
how many times? So too questions as you've worked with people,

603
00:32:06.279 --> 00:32:09.839
do you find that if one person is totally not

604
00:32:10.079 --> 00:32:12.759
willing to do any of that work?

605
00:32:13.279 --> 00:32:18.920
Ultimately, what happens when we're talking about not willing And

606
00:32:18.960 --> 00:32:22.240
I've seen couples that the man of the woman has

607
00:32:22.799 --> 00:32:26.480
an anger and the determination that were born into them

608
00:32:26.480 --> 00:32:32.720
from a family system. So fear and anger and selfishness.

609
00:32:33.559 --> 00:32:36.559
That's like a system thing that's got all kinds of

610
00:32:36.559 --> 00:32:40.079
related fear ideas in it. Right, if a person has that,

611
00:32:40.079 --> 00:32:42.799
that's their only way of living. And when you become

612
00:32:42.880 --> 00:32:45.039
this what I call environment changer, when you become this

613
00:32:45.119 --> 00:32:47.839
person who changes the environment in your mind, why are

614
00:32:47.880 --> 00:32:49.960
you doing it? Are you doing it so you can

615
00:32:50.000 --> 00:32:52.440
get that person to stop being this way and stop

616
00:32:52.480 --> 00:32:54.000
being this way? Is that way you're doing it? Well,

617
00:32:54.000 --> 00:32:56.359
if you're doing it for that reason, you'll never have

618
00:32:56.400 --> 00:32:59.279
anything happen that you really care about. You're not going

619
00:32:59.359 --> 00:33:01.839
to like it. So the way you have to think

620
00:33:01.839 --> 00:33:05.119
about it is, I'm not going to live in this

621
00:33:05.160 --> 00:33:08.039
better condition than this love condition because I'm trying to

622
00:33:08.039 --> 00:33:11.440
get anything to happy I'm living because it makes me happy.

623
00:33:11.799 --> 00:33:14.599
That's the reason you do it is it makes me happy.

624
00:33:14.839 --> 00:33:16.960
And as you start moving more and more to love

625
00:33:17.000 --> 00:33:18.920
and you're more committed to it, because there's something in

626
00:33:18.960 --> 00:33:21.440
your idea of moving to love and out of fear,

627
00:33:21.599 --> 00:33:24.720
there's something that I can really write about that. It's like, oh,

628
00:33:24.799 --> 00:33:27.480
I like that. I like it religiously, I like spiritually,

629
00:33:27.519 --> 00:33:30.119
I like everything about that idea. Right, Well, if you're

630
00:33:30.160 --> 00:33:32.119
going to do it, you don't do it for any

631
00:33:32.240 --> 00:33:34.519
kind of cause. I want to make this person stop

632
00:33:34.519 --> 00:33:36.480
being this way and start putting it that way. Forget

633
00:33:36.519 --> 00:33:38.599
that it's never going to work, it's going to backfire.

634
00:33:38.640 --> 00:33:40.119
All kinds of things are going to happen that are

635
00:33:40.119 --> 00:33:42.240
really bad, and you're not You're not going to want that.

636
00:33:42.599 --> 00:33:45.720
So what you want is I'm living in my.

637
00:33:47.279 --> 00:33:47.599
Form.

638
00:33:47.799 --> 00:33:51.119
You called it in this form I'm in because I'm

639
00:33:51.160 --> 00:33:53.599
trying to get to happy. I want to be a

640
00:33:53.640 --> 00:33:56.519
happy person, and so the only way to be a

641
00:33:56.559 --> 00:33:59.200
really truly happy person is to leave the world of fear,

642
00:33:59.480 --> 00:34:03.240
which is a very complicated, very horrible place, and you

643
00:34:03.240 --> 00:34:05.279
don't want to stay there at all, but you don't.

644
00:34:05.319 --> 00:34:07.480
You have to learn that yourself to live in fear

645
00:34:07.680 --> 00:34:09.159
and think you can have a life there where you

646
00:34:09.159 --> 00:34:11.360
can actually solve problems. You can't solve problems in fear.

647
00:34:11.599 --> 00:34:14.280
There's nothing to solve in fear. And no one can

648
00:34:14.480 --> 00:34:17.320
solve problems in fear. And there's like thousands about thousands

649
00:34:17.360 --> 00:34:20.760
of stories how fear does not solve problems. Right, it

650
00:34:20.800 --> 00:34:23.320
looks like it does, but it doesn't. So the only

651
00:34:23.400 --> 00:34:25.440
way you can make a decision is I want to

652
00:34:25.480 --> 00:34:27.639
live happy. I want to be in a happy place.

653
00:34:27.880 --> 00:34:29.840
I want to live happy, And so why do I

654
00:34:29.880 --> 00:34:32.280
do it? Because I want to be happy? And now,

655
00:34:32.320 --> 00:34:34.719
if I'm in the environment of a person who is

656
00:34:34.800 --> 00:34:39.519
determined to fight and be angry and right, that person

657
00:34:39.639 --> 00:34:43.360
is choosing to leave your life. They're choosing to not

658
00:34:43.760 --> 00:34:46.480
feel the energy that you're giving off. But that's okay,

659
00:34:46.639 --> 00:34:50.400
because you feel good, you feel happy, you like yourself,

660
00:34:50.679 --> 00:34:53.199
and if you have kids around you, they're going to

661
00:34:53.280 --> 00:34:55.079
pick up that energy. And I've seen that it's happen

662
00:34:55.239 --> 00:34:58.480
over and over again where that parents actually change and

663
00:34:58.519 --> 00:35:01.719
the children feel happy. I see it happen at all

664
00:35:01.760 --> 00:35:07.239
ages sixteen, twenty five, twelve two. Right, kids get happy

665
00:35:07.400 --> 00:35:10.320
because when a parent, a biological parent, now this is

666
00:35:10.360 --> 00:35:13.880
not an adopted parent, but a biological parent. Whether that

667
00:35:13.920 --> 00:35:16.920
person has a great power as a biological parent, they

668
00:35:17.039 --> 00:35:20.039
really do amazing things for kids. So if they have

669
00:35:20.119 --> 00:35:22.880
a spouse who wants to stay angry because they come

670
00:35:22.880 --> 00:35:26.440
from a very angry family, then they may not change.

671
00:35:26.760 --> 00:35:28.800
But you have to allow that. You have to allow

672
00:35:28.880 --> 00:35:30.639
them to do whatever it is they want to.

673
00:35:30.559 --> 00:35:33.039
Do, because you have to make your own decision to

674
00:35:33.079 --> 00:35:36.800
be happy. And in your case, something happened with your

675
00:35:36.800 --> 00:35:39.000
wife because as you said, she grew up in that

676
00:35:39.119 --> 00:35:43.920
chaos situation also, but something happened because you stayed together

677
00:35:44.000 --> 00:35:45.039
for forty years.

678
00:35:45.320 --> 00:35:49.119
Yes, yes she did. So she died in my presence

679
00:35:49.480 --> 00:35:53.800
in twenty nineteen, and it was a very moving moment,

680
00:35:54.199 --> 00:35:56.360
you know because by the way, we just didn't talk

681
00:35:56.440 --> 00:35:58.679
a lot. So talking was not a big part of

682
00:35:58.719 --> 00:36:03.639
our relationship really ever, because it was no talking. The

683
00:36:03.679 --> 00:36:06.199
only way to change in the relationship is I had

684
00:36:06.199 --> 00:36:08.760
to change my energy. And as I started to change

685
00:36:08.760 --> 00:36:11.559
my energy, she started to change what she was deciding.

686
00:36:11.960 --> 00:36:16.159
Her decisions were different because remember we're not leaving. She

687
00:36:16.280 --> 00:36:18.480
had that, like the wall was in the background, there

688
00:36:18.519 --> 00:36:21.920
was no leaving, So she had decide that she had

689
00:36:21.920 --> 00:36:24.679
to feel differently. And so what she did is she

690
00:36:24.840 --> 00:36:27.599
started to give a little more peace to our relationship

691
00:36:27.880 --> 00:36:30.679
because she could. She could because I made that possible.

692
00:36:31.119 --> 00:36:34.280
So I was leading where we were going. And that's

693
00:36:34.320 --> 00:36:37.960
really what people, especially men. I just came up with

694
00:36:38.000 --> 00:36:42.239
a new book this month published called This Is Not

695
00:36:42.320 --> 00:36:45.960
the Woman I Married, And so that book is everything

696
00:36:46.039 --> 00:36:49.480
I've ever tried to tell men about marriage. Right, So

697
00:36:49.559 --> 00:36:52.920
all the things are in there, like twenty five signs

698
00:36:52.960 --> 00:36:55.239
that you're losing her heart is in there, and that's

699
00:36:55.280 --> 00:36:58.320
a really important piece of work because that twenty five

700
00:36:58.400 --> 00:37:01.039
signs is a great way to learn what have I

701
00:37:01.079 --> 00:37:04.480
done wrong? Well, twenty five signs you're losing your wife's heart? Well,

702
00:37:04.519 --> 00:37:07.159
how do you lose your heart? Well? These all make

703
00:37:07.199 --> 00:37:10.920
it happen, These all make them disappear. And so I

704
00:37:11.280 --> 00:37:15.559
point that out because when you don't have clear and

705
00:37:15.599 --> 00:37:18.480
I've talked to I talk to guys every week that

706
00:37:18.800 --> 00:37:21.400
you know, come in ont of the internet and they

707
00:37:21.400 --> 00:37:23.639
talk to me about where they are right now. And

708
00:37:23.679 --> 00:37:25.320
I just talked to a guy just a couple of

709
00:37:25.320 --> 00:37:28.480
hours ago. He said, you know, I think I've just

710
00:37:28.599 --> 00:37:31.519
lost myself. I don't even know who I am anymore.

711
00:37:31.760 --> 00:37:34.159
I hear that a lot because they don't have a

712
00:37:34.199 --> 00:37:37.239
thought system that really kind of says I'm leaving fear.

713
00:37:37.760 --> 00:37:41.119
They don't have something that definite. They lose themselves. They

714
00:37:41.159 --> 00:37:45.039
lose themselves because they're paying attention to children, paying attention

715
00:37:45.079 --> 00:37:47.360
to the working, tat to paying attention to making money,

716
00:37:47.360 --> 00:37:50.639
paying attention to you know, everything else. And so they

717
00:37:50.679 --> 00:37:53.760
get so caught up in what they call life that

718
00:37:53.760 --> 00:37:56.800
they can't remember what they believe in. They they don't

719
00:37:56.800 --> 00:38:01.039
know because it's all gone so interesting. So what do

720
00:38:01.079 --> 00:38:01.400
you do?

721
00:38:01.599 --> 00:38:05.320
What do you do when someone has experienced betrayal because

722
00:38:05.360 --> 00:38:10.559
that adds an additional issue to a relationship.

723
00:38:10.920 --> 00:38:15.079
Yes, so what is betrayal? Betrayal says I don't trust

724
00:38:15.119 --> 00:38:17.840
you anymore. That's a betrayal. Now who cares what the

725
00:38:17.840 --> 00:38:21.039
betrayal is based on? It? Just we know what betrayal is.

726
00:38:21.119 --> 00:38:23.800
Betrayal is you lie to me, and when you lie

727
00:38:23.840 --> 00:38:25.920
to me, when you cheat on me, when you don't

728
00:38:25.960 --> 00:38:29.400
do things that say I'm important, I'm valuable, and now

729
00:38:29.400 --> 00:38:32.679
I got to do something right. So if I'm betrayed,

730
00:38:33.000 --> 00:38:35.119
what happens to me? What's the first thing that happens

731
00:38:35.119 --> 00:38:37.880
to me, I don't want to trust you anymore. I

732
00:38:37.920 --> 00:38:40.239
want to live on edge. I want to live in fear.

733
00:38:40.599 --> 00:38:43.719
Right away, I'm going to live in fear. And once

734
00:38:43.760 --> 00:38:46.480
I go there, I can't get out. I can't get

735
00:38:46.480 --> 00:38:49.840
out because I'm attached to fear. I'm attached to betrayal.

736
00:38:50.239 --> 00:38:53.800
Betrayal is fear right, It's another version of fear. Right.

737
00:38:54.159 --> 00:38:56.960
So now that I'm there, I can't get out because

738
00:38:57.320 --> 00:39:01.000
I've got an agenda. You hurt me, you wounded me,

739
00:39:01.400 --> 00:39:04.440
I'm now I'm against you, all right, So all that's

740
00:39:04.480 --> 00:39:06.960
building up, piling up in a big pile. But I

741
00:39:07.000 --> 00:39:09.280
can't get to love because I have to live in fear.

742
00:39:09.440 --> 00:39:10.960
And now that I have to live in fear, how

743
00:39:10.960 --> 00:39:12.920
am I going to solve my marriage problem? How am

744
00:39:12.920 --> 00:39:15.239
I going to even Like I have a hint of

745
00:39:15.760 --> 00:39:20.119
that famous word. Everybody uses reconciliation like a massive word,

746
00:39:20.239 --> 00:39:23.199
you know, for a simple idea. Right, how's that going

747
00:39:23.280 --> 00:39:25.679
to happen? It's not going to happen. You can't have

748
00:39:25.800 --> 00:39:29.760
anything better happen because you're living in fear, and betrayal

749
00:39:29.960 --> 00:39:33.360
is one of the great fear producers, right, because you

750
00:39:33.360 --> 00:39:37.400
know you you chose another man you you fell in

751
00:39:37.440 --> 00:39:39.400
love with our kids and not in love with me.

752
00:39:39.599 --> 00:39:41.719
You know this is who cares what the betrayal is.

753
00:39:42.000 --> 00:39:44.280
It can come in all kinds of forms, but it

754
00:39:44.679 --> 00:39:46.960
still comes back to the sublicity of living in fear

755
00:39:46.960 --> 00:39:49.159
of living in love, and that's a decision that every

756
00:39:49.199 --> 00:39:51.920
person has to make for themselves, someone to make.

757
00:39:52.119 --> 00:39:54.599
Have you found though, that when someone experiences that you

758
00:39:54.639 --> 00:39:57.320
talk about how they move over into the fear if

759
00:39:57.360 --> 00:40:02.840
they move back into love, do you find that betrayal

760
00:40:03.199 --> 00:40:07.440
sense ultimately starts to subdue so that you can start

761
00:40:07.480 --> 00:40:10.760
to experience in something different. And as you've worked with couples,

762
00:40:10.800 --> 00:40:14.000
how many times have you worked with couples where there's

763
00:40:14.079 --> 00:40:18.000
actual true betrayal going on that they have been able

764
00:40:18.079 --> 00:40:23.000
to restore that relationship and actually get back into a

765
00:40:23.159 --> 00:40:24.519
very healthy relationship.

766
00:40:25.039 --> 00:40:28.639
It has to do with the individuals. There's no just mass.

767
00:40:29.320 --> 00:40:31.400
Ninety percent of the people who do this solve that,

768
00:40:31.480 --> 00:40:33.920
and it's not like that. It's really up to the

769
00:40:33.960 --> 00:40:37.480
individual because when that person is going to live in

770
00:40:37.519 --> 00:40:41.039
a choice where they live in something that resembles love

771
00:40:41.639 --> 00:40:44.800
versus the fear life that they used to live. The

772
00:40:44.840 --> 00:40:46.719
reason I talk about fear so much is fear is

773
00:40:46.760 --> 00:40:50.400
so complicated Once you go in there, you just picked

774
00:40:50.440 --> 00:40:54.079
up a word, can pick betrayal and what is betrayal? Well,

775
00:40:54.519 --> 00:41:00.239
it's another super complicated soap operated mess of ideas people

776
00:41:00.239 --> 00:41:03.239
hold on to and they can't let go because once

777
00:41:03.239 --> 00:41:06.079
you get into fear, that brat I was talking about

778
00:41:06.320 --> 00:41:08.960
grabs you and holds you. There's actually something there that

779
00:41:09.000 --> 00:41:11.599
grabs you and holds you. And so that's what holds

780
00:41:11.639 --> 00:41:15.000
you is an idea. An idea is you cheated on me,

781
00:41:15.360 --> 00:41:17.760
you wrong me, you hurt me right, And those kinds

782
00:41:17.800 --> 00:41:20.920
of things are once you attach yourself to. And so

783
00:41:21.559 --> 00:41:24.760
when the person starts to see that this like, if

784
00:41:24.760 --> 00:41:28.280
the person represents doing what I was doing, they are

785
00:41:28.400 --> 00:41:30.840
living in a place where I want to be happy.

786
00:41:31.159 --> 00:41:32.559
I don't want to live this way. I don't want

787
00:41:32.559 --> 00:41:34.519
to live in betrayal. I don't want to live and

788
00:41:34.639 --> 00:41:37.000
I was hurt, I was wounded, I was you know,

789
00:41:38.320 --> 00:41:40.559
kicked out. I don't want to live like that. I

790
00:41:40.599 --> 00:41:42.119
want to live in a place where I want to

791
00:41:42.159 --> 00:41:44.679
be happy. And that what is that? That's a mission

792
00:41:44.719 --> 00:41:47.639
a decision. I want to live here. I don't want

793
00:41:47.639 --> 00:41:50.480
to live over there. Right, Once you're really clear that

794
00:41:50.519 --> 00:41:52.960
you really want to live there. Now, what's going to

795
00:41:53.000 --> 00:41:55.199
happen is the betrayal is going to start to weaken.

796
00:41:55.800 --> 00:41:58.480
Just just a decision to love is going to weaken.

797
00:41:58.920 --> 00:42:02.480
And because it weakened, now the momentum is gone. Because

798
00:42:02.800 --> 00:42:05.239
fear takes a lot of momentum, right, You've got to

799
00:42:05.239 --> 00:42:07.400
have a lot of negativity building all the time in

800
00:42:07.440 --> 00:42:09.800
the background for you to keep in that place. But

801
00:42:09.880 --> 00:42:12.119
once you just make that one decision, I'm going to

802
00:42:12.159 --> 00:42:13.679
live in love. I'm not going to live in fear.

803
00:42:14.360 --> 00:42:16.320
You may not know how to get out, you may

804
00:42:16.400 --> 00:42:18.960
not know in the moments, but something is going to

805
00:42:19.039 --> 00:42:21.360
get you. Something is going to call to you. Something's

806
00:42:21.400 --> 00:42:23.800
going to reach out. A book, a friend, a coach,

807
00:42:23.840 --> 00:42:27.159
to somebody is going to appear just because you made

808
00:42:27.199 --> 00:42:30.239
that one decision. And it's like, it's a real big thing.

809
00:42:30.719 --> 00:42:32.679
Because if you think you're going to sit in fear

810
00:42:32.679 --> 00:42:35.159
and solve anything, you're not. This is never going to

811
00:42:35.199 --> 00:42:37.199
be solved because you can't solve anything.

812
00:42:37.599 --> 00:42:40.280
One of the positive words that comes to my mind

813
00:42:40.960 --> 00:42:46.159
is forgiveness. And do you find that forgiveness is one

814
00:42:46.199 --> 00:42:50.800
of those positive behaviors elements of who we are that

815
00:42:50.960 --> 00:42:54.119
ultimately creates that happier relationship.

816
00:42:54.519 --> 00:42:58.079
Yeah, forgiveness is a value and once you if you

817
00:42:58.119 --> 00:43:00.360
were raised with that, baby, I wasn't raised with that value.

818
00:43:00.400 --> 00:43:02.360
But if you're raised with that value, that's going to

819
00:43:02.440 --> 00:43:04.159
be a go to the first place you're going to go,

820
00:43:04.599 --> 00:43:07.320
You're going to go to forgiveness. Right. So you know,

821
00:43:07.400 --> 00:43:11.199
there's a book called Radical Forgiveness which actually gives a

822
00:43:12.039 --> 00:43:15.719
two sheet process of getting out of out of fear

823
00:43:16.119 --> 00:43:19.239
and it's really helpful. Right, So radical forgiveness is really

824
00:43:19.239 --> 00:43:22.039
what we're talking about. Why is it radical? It's radical

825
00:43:22.079 --> 00:43:24.239
because when you leave here and go there, you're doing

826
00:43:24.239 --> 00:43:27.079
something radical. You're doing a big thing. You're doing a

827
00:43:27.119 --> 00:43:30.960
big healing thing. But I'm simplifiving even further. If you

828
00:43:31.199 --> 00:43:34.480
just make the decision to love and leave fear. If

829
00:43:34.519 --> 00:43:37.039
you say I'm doing it, I'm leaving. I don't know

830
00:43:37.039 --> 00:43:38.800
how I'm going to do it, but I'm leaving. That

831
00:43:38.880 --> 00:43:41.119
decision is enough to get you moving.

832
00:43:41.679 --> 00:43:44.000
That's going to start that momentum I love that. Can

833
00:43:44.039 --> 00:43:46.920
you believe that time has gone by? We are having

834
00:43:46.960 --> 00:43:50.119
this wonderful conversation and it's like, oh my goodness. All right,

835
00:43:50.280 --> 00:43:54.559
So as we close. What would be a message that

836
00:43:54.599 --> 00:43:56.639
you'd like to share with the audience.

837
00:43:56.960 --> 00:44:00.719
Leave fear, move to love. That'd be the simplest, and

838
00:44:00.800 --> 00:44:04.039
maybe make the decision. Don't just tinker with it, don't

839
00:44:04.079 --> 00:44:08.039
just use your your your intellect to debate, Oh what

840
00:44:08.079 --> 00:44:11.000
should I do? Uh? Make the decision, Make a decision

841
00:44:11.039 --> 00:44:13.360
that I am leaving fear and I'm moving to love.

842
00:44:13.599 --> 00:44:15.599
And once you make the decision, a whole lot of

843
00:44:15.679 --> 00:44:17.519
things are going to happen. And you're not even going

844
00:44:17.599 --> 00:44:19.599
to see there because not going to be obvious. They're

845
00:44:19.599 --> 00:44:22.480
going to be subtle. They're going to be small, little changes,

846
00:44:22.559 --> 00:44:27.440
small realizations, small ideas, small conversations, all going to be small.

847
00:44:27.760 --> 00:44:30.840
But if you pick up that change in your in

848
00:44:30.880 --> 00:44:33.920
your environment, in your in your world, in your physical world,

849
00:44:33.920 --> 00:44:36.320
as you pay so much attention to, you're going to

850
00:44:36.360 --> 00:44:39.320
start to see little things changing because they're all calling

851
00:44:39.360 --> 00:44:42.239
to you to leave fear and move to love. And

852
00:44:42.239 --> 00:44:45.199
and it's the simplest thing I've ever seen, you know,

853
00:44:45.840 --> 00:44:47.599
love it, love it, love it, love it. That's a

854
00:44:47.599 --> 00:44:48.280
great message.

855
00:44:48.679 --> 00:44:51.199
Well, Larry, thanks so much. This this has been fascinating

856
00:44:51.239 --> 00:44:56.880
and it's certainly it's certainly a different approach to relationships

857
00:44:56.880 --> 00:45:00.760
that are struggling versus what you usually here about. And

858
00:45:01.320 --> 00:45:03.880
I love what you talked about. You know, the energy

859
00:45:03.960 --> 00:45:07.559
that goes forth and how change can be in the

860
00:45:07.599 --> 00:45:11.559
other person if they're willing to recognize that energy and

861
00:45:11.639 --> 00:45:14.039
all of a sudden they start to respond differently. And

862
00:45:14.119 --> 00:45:18.920
so anyway, thank you so much, wonderful message, Thank you

863
00:45:19.000 --> 00:45:21.679
very much, and folks, thanks for listening. I hope you've

864
00:45:21.679 --> 00:45:24.760
really enjoyed this and look forward to having you join

865
00:45:24.880 --> 00:45:29.000
us again soon. So this is doctor Doug saying, no

866
00:45:29.159 --> 00:45:29.440
Mista