Be the Strong Man a Woman Wants

0:01 This program is designed to provide general information with regards to the subject matters covered. This information is given with the understanding that neither the hosts, guests, sponsors, or station are engaged in rendering any specific and personal medical, financial, legal, counseling, professional service, or any advice. You should seek the services of competent professionals before applying or trying any suggested ideas. You know, one of the biggest challenges that I think many people face is relationships. And there are a lot of different dilemmas that occur in a relationship that can cost challenges. One of those that we don't think about very often is the fact that we as men sometimes basically say, hey, Henny, what is it that you want? What is it that you want, and never really take that leadership role that we should be and is really what she wants?

0:59 And I'm really happy to have Elliott Katz on the show today. He's written a couple of books. One is Being the Strong Man and Woman Wants and the other one is How to Get Your Men to Wear the Pants And it's fascinating. Again, it's a very specific segment of relationships, but it's a segment that Elliott has really found exists more than we think and has been able to help relationships in helping those men to start taking the leadership role in a way that's kind, that's loving and understanding that at the same time taking that leadership role that their wives so desperately wish that they would. So I hope you enjoy this. I think you will and enjoy the show. At the end of the day, it's not about what you have or even what you've accomplished. It's about what you've done with those accomplishments. It's about who you've lifted up, who you've made better. It's about what you've given back.

1:57 Denzel Washington, Welcome to inspire. Our sole purpose is to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you to do the same. Oh yeah, thanks for joining us. How are you doing. I'm doing great. Thank you for having me. Hey, it's really an interesting topic that you've written about, and I'm fascinated and I think it's going to be really interesting for the audience. So I'm aware of two books that you've written. Can you share what they are and how did you come to write the books? Okay, very god, there's two books. My first one. I'll show it to you. Solled being the strong man and woman wants timeless wisdom on being a man, and that book, like a lot of books of this type, is my own journey. I was married, then I got divorced, and like a lot of people, at first, I blamed the other person.

2:45 And then I came to the point of asking myself, what do I have to learn from all this? And I really set out to learn what does it mean to be a man in a relationship? And I learned a lot of things. You know. At first, I spoke to other men that we're all confused. I read books on relafelationship. They didn't really say much to me. But then I looked at the timeless wisdom that over the centuries men have written for other men about being a man in a relationship, and it really blew me away because it coincided with what I heard women complain is lacking men today. They don't show leadership, they don't make decisions, they don't take responsibility. That you know, it's so interesting that men hear all these messages. Let's be a nice guy, don't be controlling, let her make all the decisions, just to whatever she wants she'll be happy. Doesn't work there. Women want to be with the man who makes them feel safe and protected, and when they always have to tell a man what to do, as one woman said to me, it makes her feel like he's a child and she's his mother, and she doesn't want to be his mother, So really, go ahead. In the next book he wrote was okay, what how to Get your man to wear the pants? Right? Exactly?

3:51 So a lot of women read this one and said, well, how do I get my man to start taking charge? I'm tired of always telling him what to do. I'm tired of when I ask him for his input on a decision, he doesn't say anything. He just waits for me to do everything. So this book isn't in a response to that. It's called how to get your man to wear the pants so you don't have to inspiring him to make more decisions, take the lead and stop leaving it all to you. So it's really so women are frustrated with men who won't take the lead on anything, won't take charge of anything, that won't make a decision. So I explained to the women in this book, is that problem is men really don't know they're supposed to do. They really don't know that you want them to. So it's a matter of how you talk to them and make them not in a critical way, but in a way that you're inspiring them and you may make them make them, you make them realize that you want them to do this to make you happy. And Okay, So here's my question, all right, because with my radio show, I've interviewed a lot of ladies who have been abused, who have been abused, who have been in those codependent relationships where yes, their man has taken charge to a point that it's not a comfortable and a happy relationship for them. So have you had any pushback on that relative to the fact that is it a possibility that what you're talking about as far as strong man ends up going a little bit too far. I do a lot of personality analysis and so forth, and

5:23 what I've found is a lot of times what is their strength, if taken too far, becomes their weakness. So what's been your experience. Have you had pushback on that? And what are your thoughts about what's the differentiation between what you're talking about versus what a lot of these women experience from an abusive relationship. Okay, that's a great question. I'm really talking about different extremes. You know, a man, we're talking about men who don't want to make any decisions, who don't I don't want to be controlling, so I'll just let her decide everything. I'll just do whatever she tells me to do, and she's would be happy. And and that's that's the other that's not being controlling at all. That So if you step forward and make a decision, you see a problem and you say, here, I'll handle you know, I'll take care of this problem, You're you're making your wife happy.

6:13 So the other extreme, as ah, where people are in controlling relationships, that's horrible. And and you know, it's interesting you ask that question because I have had pushback from a couple of women who really didn't understand what I was talking about, who were in controlling relationships. And it's like it sort of triggers, you know, the the trauma of that experience. But when when they when I explain to them, that's not what we're talking about. You know, a strong man isn't controlling as strong you know, and the fact the abusive man is really weak. He he's not. He's not he's not something being strong, that's not thinking about the best interests of your family. I'm talking about a man who shows, who takes charge because he cares about his family. He wants to take responsibility for what's going on in his family and not just leave every problem, solving every problem to his wife.

6:57 That's what we're talking about here. We're not talking about some control tyrant, God forbid. I feel sorry for women who are in those situations. And that's not all what we're talking about. We're talking about the other extreme, where a man makes no decisions. Okay, good, and I'm glad you clarify that, because I think that's important for the audience to get right up front. So here's the question, as you've looked at this overall historically, what came about that men started getting to the point that they did become children, that they became babies that they I mean, when you know, in relationships, as I talk about relationships, it's like, okay, you know what, it's great to be independent, but it's great to be able to come together and to support each other in achieving the purposes and goals that you want. Well, in that particular case, there are times that I might ask, what is it that you want? You know, what's important to you? And yet from what you're saying, that can be taken a little bit too far, to the point where you don't take charge or ask those questions at all. But what's the distinction between being able to support and you know, really being aware of what that woman really wants and needs versus just taking charge. Well, obviously it's a matter of degree. A man who always a missus. I get comments from women talk about feedback. I get comments from women who say, my husband, you know, makes no decision,

8:28 will never take charge of anything. He waits for me to tell him everything what to do, and she's she's frustrated with that. I've talked to women who said they divorced our husbands for those reasons because I always have to tell them what to do. So obviously that's extreme. You have to avoid it, really, and I talked about it in the first book. It's really in the middle. You know, there's some things a woman is good at and she should decide that. There's some things a man is good at and he should decide. But as I tell men, not everything is don't just decide well, everything there needs to be decided something that woman should decide. It's really a balance. Is there's something you know, So how does a man, how does a man ask questions? How do they communicate in a way that they discover that this is what their wife wants Because obviously you get a lot of wives that are so strong that they do want to be in charge. So when you have the situation where the woman does not want to have to be in charge and wants their men to make some decisions, what type of communication do you need to have and how does that come about to where you start to have that type of understanding that that is the circumstances.

9:39 Well, you have to use your judgment. It's interesting that you say women are strong and independence today, and they are. But I've had a lot of women say to me, you know, I may be professional, I have my own practice, I have my own business, but when I'm with a man, I want to feel like a woman. I want them to take charge, like I said, not a controlling tyrant, but she doesn't want to have to tell him what's do. And you know the other part about you know when a woman the one thing I coach ment that it's it's we laugh about it. So it's a lot of women will ask men like what should I do about this? What should we do about that? And the man he says, you know the question, it's not really important to me. Whatever she wants is fine, And I tell him, well, she asks you, she asks you what you want. She wants your input because she wants her input. She's asking for her input because she wants it. And I tell I tell women, you know, if I tell men, don't ever say whatever you want. You decide. If she's asking you for your opinion, I have an opinion. So I tell women, if he says, whatever you want, you decide, just say. What I want is to know what you want. You know, it makes a woman feel safe and protected. I one while I was coaching so's we said, like, she asked me all these questions. They really don't matter to me. So I said, it doesn't matter. If she asked for your opinion, give it. And if it doesn't matter to you, then it's easy. Just give me anything. And she said to him it made her feel safe and protected. That's what she wants. It makes her feel safe and protected. So you know what I'm saying, we're not talking about the

11:11 other extreme and some tyrants abuse of God forbid, like you know, a woman with that kind of man, run as fast as you can. But but we're talking about the others. Like so many men today, they really think if I just do whatever she wants, she should be happy. Why isn't she happy? Why is she divorcing me? I'm such a great guy. I'm doing whatever she wants. That's not what she wants. Okay, So you know, you talk about asking my opinion. I have a very strong personality, and as I've done my own you know, evaluation and so forth, one of one of the things that comes across is that often saying something can create a sense of criticism to the other person. And I've learned that I have to ask this question, do you want me to listen?

12:00 Or do you want my opinion? And I think that I don't know, what are your thoughts on that? Do you think that's a valuable thing for a husband to be able to say, is do you really want my opinion or do you just want me to listen? And then they can say, yes, I really want your opinion, and then it's a different story. No, I agree with you. I agree with if she just wants you to listen, sometimes that's what she wants. But sometimes she wants your opinion, she wants your advice, she wants you to solve the problem. Sometimes, as you say, sometimes she wants you to listen. And it's a good idea to clarify. You know, you do you want me to take truge to solve this problem for you, or you just want me to listen. Okay. So with the first book being a Strong Man, that's really for the man. Okay. The next book, you know, Get Your Man to Wear the Pants is really for the women. So you have you found that men really struggle, even after reading your book, that they really struggle with being the individual that their spouse or their partner really is looking for.

13:03 And thus women need to figure out how to get their men to take charge more. How does that all work? Okay, that's a great question. You know what. I haven't had a man say he struggles with it. What the common reaction that I've had is men will say, I didn't know this. Why didn't someone tell me this. I was married thirty two years, I didn't know this. I didn't know. I thought if I just did whatever she wants, she'd be happy. You know. Common response is if I had known this when I was married, I probably wouldn't be divorced today. It's it's really it's it's so fascinating because so much of the media, so much television, men are just not aren't taught. I mean, there's a lot of other reasons. You know, a lot of boys grow up in you know, divorce families. They don't really have a strong male role model. You know, there's a lot of reasons today that men weren't taught with these manly traits like take charge, don't leave it all to your wife. She wants you to step forward and handle those situations. And I tell men, a man will say to me, my wife tells me I don't do enough at home, But I whenever I come home, I ask her what she wants me to do, and I'm going non stop.

14:13 I'm washing the dishes, doing laundry, giving the kids bath, changing our diapers. How could you say I'm not doing enough? So I explain to them, well, it's good to help, especially when you have little kids. It's a lot of work. But if we just come home and do you ask her what to do when you do whatever she wants. That's being a mother's helper, that's not being a husband and a father. Yes, help her. There's a lot of work, like I said, especially when you have little kids. But be aware of what's going on in your family, Be aware what's going on in your home. Say hey, I see a problem here. Let me take charge of dealing with it. Let me find a solution, let me implement. And then you know, maybe you should consult with her if you find a solution, to ask her for her input, or maybe she just wants you to handle it that makes her happy, because otherwise you're leaving the burden of finding solutions solve these problems on her.

15:01 And she resents that that's what she res. It's hard work to like, there's a problem, Well I have to find a solution. Like you stuff where you see a problem with your kid and he's some of me said, hey, I think this is a solution. This is what we need to do to help little Johnny here. Oh, you're taking the burden off me to defining solving that problem. That makes her happy. Well, and this sounds a little bit patriarchal and nature historically, and and again, you know, I warned you I was going to ask some of these questions. But but you know, you look historically at the role of women, and there's no question that from a perspective of a man, it's wonderful to have a woman that cares and loves and all of that type of thing. To a certain point, historically, as we look at patriarchal type of situation that has come down through history, I think that that's part of what created the woman's movement to where they're actually, you know, going against that because they feel like they don't have a voice at all. How does that work in your mind? Well, okay, so patriarchal, you know, it's a great it's a great way. Is what is patriarchal? It means being a leader of your family. And unfortunately, patriarchal, you know, patriarchy has acquired negative connotations in the women's movement. It's not about, like I said, I've been being controlling tyrant. It's really about being a leader. And I'll tell you what. One of the books I read that struck me was

16:33 Doctor Spock, doctor Benjamin Spock. He says, you want to have a good relation with your wife and being good father to your children. You have to be leader of and a role model to your children. And I'll tell you on my own journey. When I read that, I said, well, I wasn't a leader like I hear. I was married for ten years. I didn't even know I was supposed to be. So you know, you know when it's not like we said before, it's not about being controlling. It's not about being a dictator of your family. It's really about showing your share of leadership. It's not about you know, making every decision. It's about men not making no decisions, like, step forward, make some decisions. Stop leaving it all on her. That's really what it is.

17:15 It's it's taking responsibility. It's not you know, ordering people around. It's like there's a problem here. It's stepping forward and dealing with it and not stepping back and waiting for your wife to do it and having her resent you. All right, And as you talk about it, and I loved what you mentioned about leadership because as I've worked with you know, different leaders and small companies and so forth, it's interesting to observe that if the leadership isn't there, I mean, the culture of a company pretty much is dependent on the leadership qualities of the leaders, the manager, whatever you want to call it, and oftentimes they have no clue and her they're thus creating a very different culture. It sounds to me like you're really kind of talking about the same thing that within the culture of a relationship, of marriage and so forth, that if the man does not understand what true leadership is, that then that creates the issues. You're exactly right, and I mean, it's not just a matter of understanding what leadership is. It's understanding that you have a role to show your share of leadership in the family. Like I said, I've coached men and they said I was married, and I didn't know that.

18:33 I didn't know this. I thought, if I just do whatever she wants, she should be happy. It's and really a family needs a leader. And often you see when there is no leaders a family just flounders. And the man thinks, well, you know, I thought, I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. Just tell me what to do, I'll do I really, so many men have said to me, I just do whatever she says. Why isn't she happy? Because she wants you to show your share of leadership. So one of the things that we talked about a lot on the show is this concept of being aware and that whatever topic we're talking about that has to do with personal development and self help, those types of things. The biggest challenge is that some are not aware of all of those things imprints, you know, beliefs, so on and so forth that are affecting their lives in a negative way. How do you help these men to become aware that this might be the issue. What are the signs that they can pick up on that all of a sudden they can go, Okay, I got it. This is my problem because I'm not really being the leader of this home. Well, it's what I just said. When they say I'll they just do whatever their wives tell them. But the thing is I teach them, like how to become a leader. It's okay, it's about being a dictator. Like we said, it's be aware what's going on in your home. You see a problem, okay, and if nobody's dealing with

20:07 it, that's if you don't like if your wife is dealing with it, don't say, oh, I'm going to show I'm the leader. We're going to do things differently now. If she's handling it and she's handling. Find is look for situations that are not being dealt with, Step forward and like, okay, find a solution. Look on the internet. You know, there's so much research on the internet. You could find a solution to the problem. Step forward and say, Okay, I see this problem. I think this is a solution. What do you think? And then and then she gives you she can give you her feedback. It's like, these are the steps. And then just keep doing that. You know at first she might be in be in disbelief because you've never done this before. Just keep doing it. Just look for problems, solve them. Like I said, sometimes it's a problem that she just might want you to deal with. Bond your own and not bother her with it. Step forward to deal with it.

20:56 You'll see it makes a big difference. You know, on my own journey and with the men I've coached, you think, is this really going to make a difference. It makes a big difference because it makes the woman feel safe and protected. And as much as women are strong and independent than the outside world, when they're with a man, they want to feel safe and protected. And this is one of the ways to achieve that. It's you know, at first, like I said, I didn't believe. I didn't think it would make a difference. It makes a big difference. Okay. So here I am in a relationship okay and not going well, and you know there's some challenges. What are those key indicators. What are the indications that I can look for that will tell me that, oh, okay, I am not being the leader that I need to be. How do you determine that or what are some of the key indicators that a man can see in that relationship that at least is going to trigger the thought of oh, okay, you know, I need to be aware of the fact that maybe I'm not being the type of leader in this home right that I need to be. You know, It's it's not hard to see because really, like I said, a lot of men aren't even aware of it. So when I say to them, you know, you know, they'll say to me, they're just doing whatever their wives tell them, and they really think this is what their wives want. You know, I asked them, like, do you know what's going on at home? Are you dealing with the problems? Are you Are you just doing whatever your wife tells you. It's

22:27 it makes such a big difference. I mean, I you know, just so many men have said to me, like I said to earlier, I didn't know this. No one ever told me this before. Why didn't somebody tell me this? It's such a because all the media is making you know, we talk about toxic masculinit I don't want to be toxic. I don't want to be controlling. I don't want to be a good man. I want to be a good husband. I want my wife to be happy. Why isn't she happy? Step forward? Be aware that you're just letting just do it. You know a lot of men think, well, if I just do whatever she wants, then when I need something from her, then she'll do it for me. Well, you know, if she's disrespectful to you, if she's critical of you, if she you know, just has contempt for you, if she resents you she has no respect for you, these are signs she just sees you as a man who's not strong enough to protect her and make her feel safe and protected. These, you know, these are things that you throughout history men were taught, and in this generation we seem to have lost it. That's really the main thing I'm trying to say I think there's really nothing new in my book. If you read you read it, it's like this person said this two hundred years ago, or this person said this a thousand years ago. This is what men are taught.

23:37 But in this generation we seem to have lost it for some reason, for lots of reasons. And the interesting thing is it doesn't come naturally to men. Like the first book, being The Strong Man and Woman Once, has been translated into twenty four languages around the world, including places where you think men are all mato, like Brazil in Saudi Arabia. Men have to learn this. It doesn't come naturally to most men. So but in this generation, a lot of men weren't taught this. That's really what I'm trying to do. I'm on a mission to teach men what they used to be taught and bring peace in marriages. Okay, and so you know you talk about the wife has been critical, you know, not happy and so forth.

24:19 That's one indicator. The under indicator, which may be a little bit more difficult because now it takes some self analysis. Is you know what I'm always saying, well, whatever you want or do whatever you want, and recognizing that that's not really healthy, But how do you have that conversation with your spouse? Let's go from the man first. How do you go from the man being able to have that conversation with his spouse saying, Okay, what's going on here and how do I need to be better and how do I need to do that? That gets into a really important aspect of communication that not every couple is able to have, especially if there's tension going on.

25:03 Right, that's a great question. So you know, as I'm sure you know, men and women speak different languages. So when a woman complains, oh, my husband's not doing enough, he thinks he's doing a lot, but he what she really means is he's not showing his share of leadership. And what I tell men is like read the book, just do it. Don't talk to your wife with don't tell her what you're going to do. Just change yourself. And because it's not about having a conversation with her, you know, I'm going to be more of a leader. Just be more of a leader. Start changing yourself and be aware what's going on. Talk to your kids, talk to your wife, open your eyes, look around your house, see what needs to be done, and do things and like wow, wow, you know, just think in business, you know, talking about business leaders who do we admire in business? Who gets promoted in business? People who show initiative. The employee that you have to keep telling him what to do all the time, well, he stays where he is because he needs to be told what to do all the time. But the person who shows an initiative, who goes up to the bost and says, I see this problem over here, I did some research, I came up with a solution. You want to give me the go ahead to do it, or even says I went and fixed it all on my own.

26:14 Hey that's a person. Let's promote it. It's the same thing in a marriage. Don't need to be told what to do. Be aware what's going on. See a problem, fix it or come up with a solution. Talk to your wife about it and use your judgment to decide which is which. And she'll be so happy because you know, it's not about power. It's like you're putting all this burden of solving every problem on her. She didn't want that. It's like enough, you know, go ahead, Okay. So from the woman's perspective here, she's living in this situation. She really loves her husband and she really wants this thing to work out well, but the frustration is just building and building and building. How do they talk to their husband in a way that doesn't create the deviceive right, It actually creates a sense of oh, okay, I didn't understand that. Let me see what I can do. Great question, because that's why I wrote this book. That's what this book is all about it, and that's why I'm asking the question. So you know, so like before I say so, if you ask him for his input and he says whatever you want to say, what I want is to know what you want. And I respect men who are decisive and can make decisions. Excuse me other situations like if he just comes home and you know it does whatever you want, but you say, you know, I really appreciate what you do. It really helps me a lot. But what I really also need you to do, and I would really appreciate a lot and would make me really happy if you did this

27:45 is not wait for me to tell you what to do. Just be aware of situations and handle on and you know it makes me happy when you would say, if you would say you see your problem, I'll handle it. Yeah, and you handle it like I would make me really happy. Be And the thing is what I say in the book, I explained to women, men don't know this, don't you see? You think he should know this, and you're frustrated with him because why isn't he doing this? He should know it, but you're the one who could teach him to do it. So different situations, you know. You know, one common situation I am complaining about is and I was surprised too. It's like a man will say, here, we're going on vacation. You plan the vacation, I'll pay for it, and and the woman's very frustrated with that. I would know, well, what's wrong? Do you plan the vacation? No, just say there, it would make me happy. If you help me make these decisions about the vacation and suggest some plans, it would make me happy.

28:37 Women. Men want to make women happy. And if you say, if you do this, it will make me happy. Oh, I want to make my wife happy, so I will do it. And you know it's as opposed to if you're critical of Oh, you know my husband, he's so useful, he does nothing here. Yeah, you know, when you know they get They're very frustrated because they really think he should know and he's not doing it, and they get critical and insulting. And he said, oh, you know, my husband, he's he's not really a man. Really, I've I've heard those comments. He doesn't doesn't He's like a child. I've heard that so many times. He's like a child. You know, we're in a difficult situations. You know, he waits for me to he waits for me to handle it. I want him to stand up, stand up for us. It's like I'm with a child. But the man probably think, I mean, I believe in equality. I'll let her handle it. Did you say he would make me happy if you would step forward to handle it. It would make me so safe and protected. So what comes to my mind is the love languages? Okay? And yeah, I can't remember them all, but what is there? There's the seventh time affirmation physical. I'm not sure what all gifts and I can. I think there's five, but maybe there's seven. Okay, man, is this is this a new level language? Because I think a lot of times what happens is you say, you know, if my love language is I love to give gifts, I just love to give gifts. And on the other hand, their love language happens to be affirmations or whatever that happens to be time

30:14 spent. You know, it's one thing to give a gift, that's another thing to give the gift of your time, which is an entirely different thing. So do you find that this is something that you could add to that book as far as so what what what we call this love language that says be a leader because that's what I need you to be and that's important to me. Well, that's a good it's a very good question. But I think what I say in the book and and and you know it applies in management and business too, is that you have to talk to a person the way they need to be spoken to, not the way you want to talk to them. Right, I'm sure you say that because if you say, you know, you do nothing here at home and anything, why is she insulting me like that? But if you actually say to her, what is ask yourself what does he need to hear? How does he need to hear it so that he'll be inspired and motivated? He say, you know, I appreciate how you did this. I appreciate you get up early in the morning and make breakfast for the family. But it would really help me a lot if you would do also do this, and it would make me really happy. You know. Say it in a way is all right? In management, you do the same thing with employee. You don't say you're useless.

31:22 You say, you know, I think you need to develop these skills, and I think you're ready for this next project, because that would be a really good next step for you. Right, You say in a way that motivates him and inspires him and doesn't make him feel bad. And that's and that's what this book is about. It's like, say it in a way that will make him feel good, you know why. You know men want to make women happy. Say it in a way that it would make me happy if you do this. Oh really, okay, I didn't know that. All right. So we're getting in this whole area of communication, and you know, I think that probably one of the biggest challenges we face today is the inability to understand appropriate and proper and good communication. And so often it comes from anger, it comes from bitterness, it comes from whatever that happens to be, rather than just being able to sit down and communicate.

32:20 So do you get into this aspect of how does one communicate? I was talking to a friend the other day and it was like they reiterated what I said and said, I don't understand. Could you put that in different words? And so that's what I did, and all of a sudden, it's like, Okay, now I get that. So for me, understanding communication is that I need to make sure that the individual that I'm communicating with is able to duplicate what I said, whether it's a question or a statement. Do you work with these people in their communication skills, because to me, that seems to be a very very important aspect that a lot of people don't have anymore. Well, I think that's the point I was just making that how does this person need to hear it? Right? A leader speaks to people in a way to motivate them. Write a good leader. I read one quote says a good leader gets people to do something they don't want to do and feel good about doing it. He speaks in an inspiring way.

33:22 And that's really what you know. Our natural reaction off is like to respond in anger, to be critical, but we have to pause and tell ourselves, well, that's not going to get us what we want. What we want, We want this person to take initiative to deal with problems. Say it in a way. What does he need to hear that will motivate him and inspire him to do what I want him to do and feel good about doing it. That's the question we have to keep asking ourselves. Insulting him, criticizing him, embarrassing him in front of his friends, ain't gonna work? Leave me well, And yeah, it does get just absolutely fascinating when I think about it, because then you get into the sole concept of triggers. You know, for instance, you have someone who happens to be more left brain more you know, extrovertish left brain or introvertish left brain.

34:19 When someone says something to them, the difficulty for them is that oftentimes they take it as criticism. Now it's their problem. Understand, it's their problem. They've taken something that should be a positive in their lives. And because this happens to be their greatest fear. That okay, criticism is my greatest fear. So when someone says something, wow, criticism, and all of a sudden you get that banering going back and forth. That isn't healthy. How do you learn how the other person would like to be spoken to? Well, I guess it's trial and error. I mean, I think if a person takes everything as criticism, and I know people like that, just think, well, how does just try different things? Trial and there?

35:07 Tell them you know, this was great, this was great, but have you thought of doing this differently? Right? Right? It's in a way that they don't feel put off, and really, you know, you know, And I think it's a very important point because I've had a lot of men will say to me, I tried to show leadership, but she criticized me. So I just shut down and withdrew and I said, you know that's you or they said, you know, I felt that I needed her permission. She would she wouldn't let me be the leader. You know, you got to I mean, either one if the woman has to realize that's not the way to talk to the man, and the man has to real even though she talks to you that way, you have to be the leader because she's if she's not respecting you, maybe she's not respecting you because you weren't being a leader. Now you finally start and she's being critical of you.

36:00 Well, you just realize you have to be the leader. And I tell mentor, one thing to realize is she actually wants you to be the leader. She doesn't want a controlling tyrant. Now nobody wants that, but she actually wants you to step forward and show your share of leadership. So if she criticizes you, just realize, just ignore it and step forward. And you know, when you think about it, any kind of leader takes a lot of criticism. You know, leaders of companies, leaders and governments. You know, you step forward into leadership role, you get criticized, and that's in a relationship that may be part of it. And you have to say, well, you know, if if one criticize you, just say, you know, would you support me on this? Now, one thing men will say, you know that they try to show leadership with their kids and their their wives will undermind them, and because so resentful, they'll say, I'll say, you don't just say to her, you know, would you please support me on this? You know, like because what a leader say, they ask for your support, say, would you please support me on this? You know, if you want to criticize me, not in front of the children, please support me in front of the children, and often they'll do it. It works like you talk like a leader speaks well. And you know, I do a behavioral analysis which gives you all of that information on how does someone want to be spoken with? But families aren't going to necessarily do that because it costs a little bit of money.

37:23 So do you find that it's important to be able to say to your spouse, help me to understand how you would like me to speak to you. What am I doing that may not be comfortable for you? So, for instance, for me, when I learned that, you know what, I have to ask my kids you want my opinion or you just want me to listen? And they laugh now when I say that, But at the same time, they never feel criticism anymore because they know that they either ask for it or I'm not offering an opinion. So do you encourage them? And how do they get to the point where they can really learn how that person really chooses and would like to be communicated with unless they ask the question.

38:12 But that's a good point, and I I I'll ask my kids and when they tell me something, do you want me to listen or do you want my opinions? Because I generally give my opinion. That's why they're asking me. So that's that's a good point you could ask them or you know, it's just a matter of thinking through, like what is the best way to deal with this? What is what is the best way to get the response you want? You know it? You know, just like you know, like a child, if you want to motivate a child, if you say, you know, you did it so badly on this, you've been so badly on that, like, that's not going to motivate him. I mean, you know this. If you say, hey, well you know you had a little setback here in life, you'll have lots of setbacks. I mean, what is a person need, Dear, you'll have lots of setbacks.

38:54 It's guaranteed. In fact, you're probably more setbacks than successes because that's how life is. And then and you say, but I see you didn't succeeded this, but I see you have ability in this. They need to be encouraged, right, everybody wants encouragement, especially from a parent, a parent, especially a father. You know, what a father says has a big impact on a child. I'm sure you agree with that. Or yeah, so if you say you know, this was a setback, but you're good at this, and then you can tell them about your own setbacks. I set back on this, set back on this, but this I succeeded. It took a long time. Well, and you know what it's I mean this whole area of communication and what you're doing, which I think is fantastic of trying to work with that specific group of men that are just frustrating the living daylights out of their wives because they're not taking any kind of leadership responsibility at all. So what would you say to people? Has a message to them as far as what do they need to do? What's the next step? People that are listening right now that say you know what that may be applying to me, what's their next step? Well, okay, if it's a man, say stop, realize that your wife actually wants you to show your share of leadership. She actually wants you to make decisions. If she asks for your input, she wants it, don't just say whatever you want and you know, be aware of what's going on. You know,

40:27 step forward to deal with situation that need to be dealt with there not being dealt with. Take responsibility. That's another message we've been talking about. It is like if you give into something that your wife pressures you into, you into and you knew was wrong, and it goes wrong just like you thought it would. Don't blame your wife. You went along. Take responsibility. Nobody wants to hear you say you're a victim of a woman. You know, make decisions, take responsibility, show show your share of leadership. But don't blame your wife. And even if you know a lot of them guys will think I'll let her decide everything because then if it goes wrong, she won't blame me. Believe me, she'll blame you. Anyway, you should have stopped me from doing it. You should have known. Okay, that's for the men, for the women. And if you have a man like this, realize he's doing this because he really doesn't know better. He really thought this is the right thing. I don't want to be controlling. I'll just do whatever you want. I mean. I met with a psychologist once on another issue is a custody and access assessment for a friend of mine, and he said to me, he does marriage counseling and he tells men just do whatever your wife tells you. I said, you're joking on you anyway, So that men have to have to learn this. They have to learn they have to take responsibility, they have to show leadership. So speak to him in a way that I just realize that. So don't be frustrated with him, because you shouldn't be frustrated with some man doing something he doesn't know, for him not doing something he doesn't know he's supposed to do. So encourage him, you say, it will make make you happy if he would make a decision on this. You know, I want your input. I think decisive men are really sexy. Say what he needs to hear to motivate

42:01 him to do that, and realize that's what he needs to hear. And he's not doing this to resent you. He doesn't want He wants you to be his mother. He wants to be a good man and just talk to him. But that that's and that's really the message of the second book. You know how to get your man to wear the pants. Encourage him and he will be that. He will become that man because he really wants to make you happy. He really wants to keep his family together. He doesn't want to get divorced, he doesn't want his children to be from broken home. Just educate him, realize he didn't know this. Okay, So how do they find your books? Your two books? Okay, well they're both available here. They are Being the Strong Man and Woman Wants and how to Get Your Man to Where the Pants are both available on Amazon as a paperback, as an ebook, and as an audiobook. And I find the audiobook is quite popular people like to listen to while our drivings. Oh yeah, fantastic. And then you coach, you coach people, right, you help people with this issue. So how do they find you? They come to my website www dot Elliott kats dot com. It's Elliott is E L L I O T T it's two t's kat z dot com. And you can email me and you can you know, call it. We'll speak on the phone. I you know, the first half hour is no charge. And really I'm just happy to help people. This isn't really a business for me.

43:22 I'm really want fewer divorces and fewer kids from broken homes. And we could talk for half an hour and make some progress. That's fine with me. I get it. And that's fantastic. And Elliott, thanks so much for being on the show. This is fascinating because we're we're talking about something and I think you're right the media and then you just mentioned the psychologists. There's there's so much that people tend to think are leaders and accurate leaders, when in fact the information that they're getting is so incorrect and it's causing all of the these divorces in these certain areas. So I think you know, the books that you're writing and what you're doing is just really fantastic for that segment that are experiencing that. So thank you very much. Okay, thank you for having me and folks, thanks for listening. I hope you enjoyed it. And you know what, if you're experiencing this situation, get a hold of Elliott and you know, let him answer some questions for you and hopefully it's something that can help you very much in that relationship. So thanks for listening. Look forward to having you join us again soon