Align With Our True Selves

0:01 This program is designed to provide general information with regards to the subject matters covered. This information is given with the understanding that neither the hosts, guests, sponsors, or station are engaged in rendering any specific and personal medical, financial, legal counseling, professional service, or any advice. You should seek the services of competent professionals before applying or trying any suggested ideas. At the end of the day, it's not about what you have or even what you've accomplished. It's about what you've done with those accomplishments. It's about who you've lifted up, who you've made better. It's about what you've given back.

0:44 Denzel Washington, Welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you to. Do the same. Har Many, Welcome to the show. Hi, doctor Doug, thank you so much for having me. Hey, it's great to have you on the show. This is something that I'm really fascinated about because I know you're doing things a little bit differently than a lot of psychotherapists and other people that are doing to help people, and so I'm really fascinated about how this is going to go. I want your story though, because I find that that's always interesting to the audience is who are you and how did you get to this point and what motivated you to move in this direction and also what motivated you to write that latest book of yours ALIGNE.

1:34 Yeah, So I grew up in a family of healers, and I was surrounded and like really steeped in a culture of personal growth throughout my entire life. My mom, she was a breath worker and a coach, and she would lead these workshops in our home that fascinated me and I actually I started practicing transcendental meditation when I was six. She had me initiated into the practice of trans and dental meditation, and I also started doing breath work around the age of eighteen and assisting in her workshops. And my dad as a physician who has a really alternative approach to health and empowering his patients, and I watched them living their purpose and I loved being in that, you know, swimming in that energetic school, so to speak.

2:24 But whenever I was suffering, I would go seek out psychotherapy and I was really disappointed. I didn't like the way I felt I didn't like the things therapist said to me, quite honestly, and I was confused that why the place where most people seek support and transformation and healing seems so limited to me. And so when it was time to go to college, I majored in psychology and loved what I was learning, and I assisted in a lot of research and really dove into the psychology department. But I was still wondering, like, how can I bridge this divide between all of this personal growth transformation that I knew was possible that I had experienced outside of a clinical space, but how could I bring that into a counseling container. And so when I started studying clinical psychology and graduate school, I started to like scratch the surface.

3:23 I learned spiritual psychology and gestalt and psycho synthesis, which are all very trans personal models of counseling, which, for those who are listening, trans personal psychology is really about being with clients beyond the personality. So as a therapist, I'm not engaging from my personality and I'm not engaging with my client's personality. Where in the trans personal realm where transcendent experiences happen. And I was fascinated with transpersonal counseling, but I still wasn't quite sure the real clinical application, Like how can I really hold space in a way that offers my clients a space to come back to their true nature, to the truth of who they are.

4:12 And I dedicated many, many, many years of my career finding my way to be that type of spaceholder and eventually found my way to teaching Gestalt at Europa University here in Boulder, Colorado. And I'm so in love with psychology now and counseling, which is which is just such a wonderful surprise, because I started off so dissatisfied and I'm now thoroughly in love with transpersonal counseling, especially teaching student therapists. It's just a wonderful space to be in. Oh, that's wonderful. And you talk about gestalt, can you can you describe what type of therapy that is?

4:53 Yeah, Gestalt is a trans personal approach to counseling that really focuses on the here and now, present moment. The belief is that relationship happens in the present moment, healing happens in the present moment, and so why many therapy focuses on the past and the history and analyzing how a person came to be. Gestalt therapists are really focusing on how a client is disrupting contact with themselves and the environment in the present moment, and any disruption to contact of presence becomes the entry point to transformation. And it's a very experimental, experiential approach to counseling where we sort of rearrange the therapeutic container in dynamic ways, so we're not always just sitting talking. We're doing a lot of different things, and really magical experiences can unfold and really deep repair within a client system.

5:55 Well, and you know, it's interesting because you talk about how a lot of therapy, and obviously a lot of psychology therapy is just talk therapy, and as you say, I mean, I've been there too. It's just so frustrating because nothing's getting accomplished and you're just talking, talking, talking, whereas as you're starting to really focus on something a little bit different that works. But as you talk about not going into the past to focus on that, at the same time, isn't it true that those subconscious imprints are literally creating our lives? And so I'm curious how with gestal. You're in the present, here and now, and yet you're still able to go in and deal with those past imprints that are still existing in present time. Yeah, you're right, they exist in present time exactly.

6:50 That's exactly it. Yeah, we call it unfinished business in gestalt. And so what is incomplete from the past, like an experience where a need wasn't fully met in the past. The ways living in the present moment through what we call contact boundary disturbances, so disruptions to the present moment contact. The way they live in a person systems system now is actually a rigid, rigid way of thinking and behaving that when it was created in the past was really adaptive. The person created safety and homeostasis within a system that wasn't designed for their well being. But then it becomes a rigid pattern, a rigid way of being, and a person is wondering, like, why is my experience of myself so limited? Why do I keep doing the same thing, Why do I keep sabotaging my relationships, et cetera. Those patterns, they are seated in the past, but the way they show up now is really how we're working with them.

7:51 So we're not looking behind us. We're looking into what I call spiritual time, where the energy of that version of ourselves is right now in this moment. Well, and you know, you talk about the energy and version of ourselves and I think for a lot of people they don't really understand what that means. So from your perspective, who are we? Who are we? And how do we get back to that situation of really being who we are? Yeah, we are multi dimensional beings, and we are dynamic, and we are ever evolving. We're not stagnant. And I think that when people feel stuck, it's because they think they're stagnant and they're orienting to a way of being that served them once but no longer really serves who they're becoming. And so when our nervous system is disregulated, the way that we try to find safety is to control the world around us or to manage ourselves. And when we are you know, engaging in these behaviors that are really coming from a trauma response of feeling scared or angry or you know, fawning, trying to make everybody happy, we are we're keeping ourselves disregulated while we're actually trying

9:21 to regulate. It can be a little confusing because those are actually attempts at regulation. Trying to get other people to like us or to be okay with everything is an attempt at regulation, but it keeps us in a perpetual state of dysregulation, which keeps us from being present. So the more available we can be for our experience, the more we can actually regulate our nervous system and find our way back to a healthy, aware state where we're more connected and aligned with our true nature. Interesting, and you know, it comes to mind mind that I've observed some people that you know, as you talk about people who are depressed or you know, struggling, or they find that they self sabotage, and that's one element of what they do. But also I noticed that there are some that constantly attract the same type of people, the same type of experience, and then they find themselves in what I would say the victim mode of you know, well they did this to me, and they did that to me, and they find themselves in that mode. How how does that work? How does it work that people find and attract the very same things that they're really trying to avoid it, yet they keep attracting it.

10:47 It's such a good question, and I think it's really the plight of so many people, especially if they think that they're doing something different, like they go and find a different relationship or move locals, and they think that they're doing something different and that they're going to attract a different experience, and then they're in the same cycle. And you know, as I'm listening to a quote from one of the creators of Geshtal therapy, Fritz Pearls, comes to mind, and he famously says, we live in a house of mirrors, thinking we're looking out windows. So that is to say that when we think that the people outside of us are separate from us, and we look to them to have a different experience of ourselves, we're actually getting pulled further away from the solution to our healing and our transformation. That really looking within and seeing how is this person actually a reflection of my wound or a reflection of my condition self, so that I can learn and integrate and heal and feel more whole and connect with my true source of love within myself and then show up from that place. It's it's a delicate balance though, because I really I would not ever want a victim blame like there are some dynamics where it's just a truly unhealthy relationship, and removing ourselves is the most important thing that we can do for ourselves.

12:18 And yet each experience that we have is such a beautiful, sacred opportunity to deepen into contact with ourselves, to come home to ourselves even more. I remember, I remember a gohead. I was just going to say, I remember when I had this epiphany, because you know, I'm a human being, and I I had this experience many times in my life where I'm in a different relationship and I think this is going to be it, this is going to be the different experience. And I had this epiphany one day that I kept attracting these abusive relationships because the men that I was in a relationship with were a reflection of my own self hate. And it wasn't until I could be with my own self loathing in a way that was loving and healing that I would never ever allow myself to endure such such an experience and call it love.

13:14 Well, And why do we see some people get into these codependent relationships where and you know, at the worst part of it, they're really experiencing abuse. They truly are a victim, and I don't want to take away from that. They're victims. They're experiencing that, and yet they stay or they leave and then they come back. And what is it that causes that codependency that they are not able to literally say, as you did, enough is enough, I'm out of here, and then really remain out of there. Yeah. So the neurobiology of especially the female nervous system, but of all nervous systems is that when we when we don't have a perceived sense of power, especially you know, intergenerationally and you know through through time, we the safest place for us to be is in what's called a fawning response, which is the last place the nervous system goes to find a sense of safety, which means to stay here, to not do anything, to disrupt the status quo, to be okay with everything, and it's and it's really a trauma response. It's a way to try to find safety.

14:32 And the less power we have in society, and especially perceived power, the more likely we are to stay in fawning. Well, and as you say, you you managed to break out of that. But as you're working with people, how do you help them literally to get to that point where they have the courage to break away and disconnect from not only that individual victim type of situation, but also in many cases the friends, the people surrounding them that are literally doing the same thing that maybe an individual is doing, at least from any Martians standpoints.

15:14 Yeah, the short answer is therapeutic, and this happens over time therapeutically. But the short answer here is I help people to become a secure base for themselves, to give themselves what it is that they're hoping other people will give them. So if they're looking for safety from other people, how can they be a safe space for themselves, If they're looking for love and acceptance outside of themselves, how can they love and accept themselves and to keep deepening into becoming a secure base for their own for their own heart, for their own spirit. So that when you know, it comes down to it, what does it mean to be a safe space for myself? If I'm truly a safe space for myself, am I going to keep letting myself be abused? If I truly love myself? And am I going to keep enjoy criticism and emotional abuse? So the more a person can love themselves and to really hold themselves and what's true for them as opposed to looking outside for other people. To give that to themselves.

16:20 They can then find their way to what is the truest thing that they can do to honor themselves and to keep themselves really safe. Okay, And you talk about how important it is to remain in present time rather than going through the past. And yet I know personally and as I've talked to others, it's been the same experience that you know, we talk about consciousness, we talk about mindset. You know, we're in the here and now, and those things from the past continue to come back, even though we think we've handled them or you know, we've gotten rid of them, which is some what people say they're trying to do. The reality is that they come up again. Occasionally they came up, something happens, we get triggered, we get a memory again, or an emotion that comes up again. How does that happen?

17:08 And how do we deal with that because it's not something like once you I don't know, maybe it is with gestall once it's done, it's done, or does it keep coming back? But now there's a way that we need to handle that consciously. Yeah, there's a couple questions I think embedded and what you just said. And so the first one that I'll speak to is when we're working in the here and now, we're actually bringing that inner young one into the present moment into the room right now, So maybe in a chair or just as if they're sitting in front of us and being in relationship in this moment with the energetic quality of that inner young one, as opposed to looking back and thinking of a picture of what I looked like when I was four and talk and even thinking about what happened back then when I was four.

17:57 It's really for me about bringing that young one, and let's just say that four year old here right now and seeing her for her experience, seeing that she felt alone, that she felt scared, and loving her in her experience, and reparenting and helping to find a new relationship with oneself by touching those moments where the wound happened. And the other part of that question is, yes, these these patterns can re emerge. I see it so often with clients where they touch this deeper place inside of themselves and they're feeling so solid in themselves and so connected and so aligned, and then they fall asleep, you know, to their true self again, and their their mind comes back with these patterns and these thoughts and these narratives about other people, and they slipped back into the old pattern, and they feel so frustrated with themselves, like how did I do that again? I was so good? But you know, I really believe that each time the pattern emerges, it's an opportunity to clarify even further, to see even deeper what is embedded within that pattern, What misbelief, what impulse, what motivation is needing to be touched by the light of consciousness.

19:16 So it's really a matter of rather than being at the effect of that continually, you literally become at cause or control, so you're the one that is controlling the experience rather than being at the effect of that experience. Yeah, I mean, I would say it a little bit differently. It's more like we're the ones who we're both the witness and the person with choice as opposed to being asleep and in habitual pattern. And so when we're empowered with choice of how we truly are with ourselves and with the world, we need to be present in order to have that access to that choice. That's where we learn to trust our and we actually are owning our power in such a way that we have true influence.

20:07 Okay, and so your latest book, which is Aligne and then I think it's living and Loving from the yourself. I'd like for you to share what is that book about and what value could it be to the people that are listening today. Yeah, so a Liigne, it's a really comprehensive book. The first half of it is about the inner work of coming back home to the truth of who you are. And it's a combination of theory, exercises and personal story. I share my story along the way with the theme of each chapter. And then the second half of the book is about how to bring that into real time in your relationships, how to stay connected to yourself as you relate to the people in your life. I find that in intimate relationships that it's kind of like the last frontier of like how can I stay really connected to myself as I get closer and closer to true intimacy.

21:08 It's where all of the patterns to disrupt contacts sort of come up to the surface and to learn how to stay connected to ourselves in intimate relating. It's it's such powerful medicine. And so the thing that I hear from readers about a line is that it really helps them in every aspect of their life, both in their internal journey and with their relationships with other people. One reviewer told me that it's that they believe it's the equivalent to years and years of quality psychotherapy. It's I kind of but everything I'm kind of but everything I know in that book. Well, and you know what, that is so great that people literally then from what I'm hearing, people could read the book and to some degree really manage what's going on in their lives. For instance, you know, one of the things I know, how to live from the core of your being? How do you take your power back from your conditioned self? So, for instance, with that particular statement, how do you take your power back from your conditioned self?

22:15 If I'm reading the book and you're not there to guide me, how does that work? Yeah, I mean that is answered in several chapters because it's so because it's so multifaceted. It's it begins with understanding that in the privacy of our own mind, these acquired beliefs exist and most of us walk around believing that what we think is reality, and that keeps us off center from the core of our being. Like, that's just sort of the first step is recognizing that we create narratives that keep us from staying connected with our true self. And and you know, I really do have a neurobio logical approach to the way I work. And so there's a lot of teaching there about somatic psychology and listening to the wisdom of the nervous system and the wisdom of the body, because that really is a part of it, because the mind loops and thoughts as an attempt to regulate, and the more regulated we are, the more we can come back home and like really rest in the truth of who we are.

23:22 Well, And as you talk about the neurological aspects of that, you know, what comes to my mind is habits, and in some respects, you know, I look at it from the standpoint of, all right, the way I behave right now that may be based on those past subconscious experiences is a habit. It has actually been imprinted into my brain, and there are neurological pathways that continue to have me do that. As you have studied that you find that as you help them to overcome and to really you know, start to eminate some of that type of behavior in their lives. Does it literally become a new habit? Does it change in their own pathways to the point where it actually becomes a new habit?

24:12 Absolutely, a person moves into a place of no longer needing to put intention into doing the different, truer thing like it just becomes an embodied way of being that that yes, it's absolutely a new habit, and even to such a degree that the old habits, you know, just can can seem so far away and so distant because the new way of being is so embodied. Well, and I know one of the other things you talk about is how do you honor the wholeness of your being? And you know that gets to be very complicated as I look at society and culture, and you know, there are so many ways in which people are taught that they're really not good. I mean, I think, and I'm cri but I think from a Christian perspective, you know, many many of those are saying, you know, the original sin, you're you're born into sin, and so here you have this whole concept right from the beginning that I'm you know that I'm not good, I'm simple. You have other experiences where, either inadvertently or sometimes purposely, we hear someone say to us, you know what, You're just so stupid?

25:27 How could you do that? And all of a sudden we developed this whole concept of who we are that is so not who we really are. And how do you help people to understand that what they think they are is not who they really are and help them to understand who they really are? You know, I really do believe that most people know that they I think most people inherently know that what they think about themselves has been acquired and taught to them. But what they don't know is what to do with that. So there's this acquired belief I'm stupid, and it keeps It's like made its way into my personality, and so now it guides my thinking and my behavior. What do I do about that acquired thought? Ingestahalt we call those interjections, and so we work with introjections in a very conscious way, because when we take in something whole, some idea from the environment, and we don't really contemplate it before we integrate it into who we are. It's a big part of what has us feel off center from the core of our being off center from the truth of who we are. And so I offer a lot of exercises in a line about working with interjections, because I really do think that they are at the core of so much of what keeps people feeling small and stuck in life.

26:57 And you're actually able to help them to recognize that that's all it is, and therefore, in a here and now be able to say that no longer affects me. Anything that's been acquired can be given back if we're doing it from the right place. So if we're rejecting it out of anger or resentment or fear, it kind of gives it power and it has us cling to it a little bit more. But if we first arrive to our most awakened resource self, and then we are with these interjections consciously, we can actually have choice about how to transmute that energy absolutely well. And you know, one of the things I just wrote a blog that I did quite a bet of research on as far as DNA memory, And have you looked into that at all, and what are your thoughts about, Because what I've seen, and what I've researched is that literally I might have a disempowering belief that it has nothing to do with my personal environment or existence as a child, that it may have to do with my great grandfather, my great great grandfather, and all of a sudden this is coming up. And how do you deal with that? And do you find that that, in fact, you've experienced that with your clients.

28:17 Absolutely, I love that you just wrote a blog about that. I write a little bit about epigenetics in a line, and I do. I think that there's so much beauty in recognizing that this has been a pattern passed down that has altered my DNA, that I can actually transmute my DNA by doing this deep healing work and repair. I personally love working with ancestral lineage with my clients. I haven't written about it in a line, but my third book that's going to be out at the beginning of next year, I have written about it because there's you know, there's so much opportunity to have allies when we start working with ancestral edge.

29:02 Well, and how does that work go a little bit daver if you don't mind. Yeah, you know, as I was saying before, when we're working in a trans personal way clinically, we are opening up to transcendent experiences. And transcendent experiences are non ordinary states of consciousness, so experiences that the ordinary mind might not conceive or be able to fully understand or grock. And so in that experience, when we're in this trans personal container, that the energy and the consciousness of ancestors might arrive as support and allies, and sometimes in gestalt we invite them into a chair and actually just communicate with them. It's really powerful when clients can feel the energy themselves, you know, as if the ancestors are there in the room. The thing is is that, like when somebody has passed on and they're arriving as an ally, there's opportunity in the way that they are now without their personality and without their body and their condition self that they can actually offer support. And it's really up to the client to find how that can be meaningful for them if that's their experience in that moment.

30:23 Well, and you talk about allies, but what about those that are not allies? What about those that have been just the opposite. For instance, I know that my dad experienced some abuse as a child and it was interesting, and I'm not going to keep asking. I asked multiple questions, so I'm going to stop there. Go back to the original. So ally, but now you've got someone who's not an ally, that's an enemy, and how do you deal with that when that comes to their mind? And how do they react? Because you know so many people I think get very very strange feelings about all of a sudden they're remembering something in their past. It goes back to generations, and if it's an enemy rather than an ally, how do they deal with that?

31:17 Yeah, my first answer to that is people will only arrive to whatever they're ready to work with, right, So I don't have an agenda and I'm not pushing anything. I'm just opening up the container to see what wants to happen. And clients are really guiding the session based on their desire, their intuition, what is true for them, and I'm sort of following them and guiding them at the same time. It can be hard to tell who's doing what sometimes in a session because in the trans personal we're in what's called the ivow where I'm authentically engaging in the experience. I'm not sitting there in the seat of the expert, as if I know the answers and the way through all of this, I'm just walking through it with my clients.

32:01 And so. When a client is truly ready, if they arrive to a place in their lineage where somebody in their ancestral lineage caused a lot of harm and was like the inflictor of the trauma, there's an opportunity for them if they want to have it, to complete the unfinished business that's living in their DNA, and we collaborate to find our way through together, to find to find the resolution that feels the most peaceful, compassionate and healing for them in that moment. Well, and you know, as you were talking, what came to my mind and I'm smiling about this is I think about the difference of sitting opposite each other in a chair and trying to go through all this stuff versus standing up, taking their hand as a therapist and going on a walk and being with them on that journey.

32:55 And to me, that is such a different way of helping people. It's magic. I get the chills even when you say it, doctor Doug. It's magic. It's like every single day I've I've been doing this for almost twenty years as a clinician, every single day, no matter how long I've worked with a client. It is it is just pure magic, Like I never know what's going to happen, whoever they are, whoever they're evolving into. In that moment, we get to discover together and I walk walk with them on that journey. It's it's a true honor. Well, and the other question that I was going to and I was talking about my dad, how he had some physical abuse. I think my grandpa which I never knew, he was passed away before I was born, you know, literally took a belt to him occasionally, and I look at that He's Norwegian. And as we do our genealogy, we go back to the Red we go we go back to Leprickson, we go back to you know, those vikings that were just you know, in some cases brutal and you know, but what comes to my mind when we start to talk about epigenetics, and I think this is this is an interesting factor that you know, as we're seeking to really overcome and a lot of times the fear of doing that is greater than the desire to do it. And therefore we stop doing that. But I think that if there's a reason that becomes stronger than the fear, that suddenly there may be a chance for us to move forward. And I'd love for you

34:27 to talk about what happens epigenetically, if literally we are able to recognize those past things and inclinations and change that what happens to future generations. So for example, you know, my dad never touched us, We never got spanked, and I've seen that now with my family and my brothers and sisters family, that there is no abuse, physical abuse at all. There's just very gentle caring and so forth from you know, maybe once in a while with spanking, but that doesn't exist. And I really believe that my dad changed that epigenetic situation for future generations. So what's your experience with that, and how do you think that would help people to understand that they literally can change for future generations and empower future generations from not having the experiences that maybe they had.

35:31 That's such a beautiful story that you shared. Thank you really for sharing it. As I'm listening to you, the first thing I want to say is that when we're able to humanize the person who was the perpetrator in that so the person who originally harmed their child like way back in the lineage, and we can see what circumstances caused that person to act in that way, and go deeper and deeper into the humanity of our ancestor, we can begin to humanize our own experience even more and really be with ourselves and our ancestors with deep compassion, which is healing in and of itself. I mean truly compassion.

36:19 It can be more healing than my words could even begin to describe. And then from there, when we become the catalyst for the new pathway, for the new way of being, the healing, the ripple of healing that happens through not only our offspring but also the like our cousins and our cousins children like it really does start spreading through through the DNA, and the healing that happens really creates health. You know. To simply to simply say it is that there's more health in the system and less disease, there's more happiness and joy and less cruelty and violence.

37:06 Well, and as you're in that transcendental state, do you find and you mentioned it, do you find that being able to recognize that and say, for instance, if I were to get into that point of still, you know, having a challenge with my grandfather what he was doing, if I can get to the point where I am able to forgive him and to let him know I love him, does that make a difference. I think so. I mean, I've seen it with my clients when it comes from a genuine place. You know, there's there's a difference between like a spiritual bypassing thinking I need to be forgiving and a genuine compassionate like seeing the circumstances and the suffering that he was enduring that caused him to act in such violent ways, to arrive at compassion and then to allow forgiveness and love to emerge naturally.

38:04 That is healing, absolutely, and that literally changes our consciousness and our experience. That's amazing. It's an amazing We're human beings are amazing, infinitely amazing. So the other thing that you mentioned is how relationships with people, and we talked about intimacy, and you know, that's a broad term. So many people think it's just one thing, but that's really a broad term of how we relate to people, how we connect with people. How does this help in those relationships when we think about intimacy in all the elements. Yeah, so we are social beings. We are designed to want to be around other people, and we're designed to want connection and to experience, you know, love and attunement and compassion and to give it to others. And when we are stuck in these old patterns that we harm ourselves or we harm other people that like, the longing for that connection is left unsatisfied. And so when we start doing this deeper work and we repair our lineage and we start becoming a secure base for ourselves, learn how to regulate our nervous system, how to be present for contact that longing that we have for that deep, deep connection, whether it's emotional intimacy with a lover or a partner or a friend, our parent. I've actually repaired

39:36 and healed my relationship with my father in the most profound, beautiful way. That affects every relationship that I have in my life. And when we're able to have that longing and connection, we actually state more aligned. When we are in the dysfunction, we're off center and we are more started, we're more twisted up in ourselves and those relationships cause more entanglement and more suffering. But the opposite is true also when we have the healthy, clean, beautiful, loving connections, the core of our being is actually strengthened and we stay more connected to ourselves for having had this intimacy.

40:20 It's a truly sacred spiritual experience. Well, and you know, I think for a lot of people that are experiencing challenges in their personal relationships with their significant other, you know, how does this help them with that? How is changing the epigenetics help with with the challenges? Is that the question, well, how does this whole aspect of you know, what you do help them in those relationships with others? You know, you talk You talked about your father and how you were able to repair that. But you know, I guess it's on my mind. I had a friend call me who's really struggling in his marriage right now, and it's really a challenge of what's going on? Does how can this help these individuals to really develop a much better relationship if both parties are willing to focus on that.

41:13 That last part is an important caveat if both parties are willing to engage. So I really believe that the work is not about whether we stay or go in a relationship. It's about who we become. And so, just like that quote that I shared earlier by Fritz Pearls, if I'm really looking in the mirror of relationship and seeing what is happening within myself, what am I trying to get from my partner that I think I lack in myself, Or what am I projecting onto my partner that I'm actually disowning and not feeling within myself? Like these are the beautiful ways that relationship can help us deepen into contact with ourselves, if we're willing to look, if we're willing to stop our stories, check our stories, and come back home as opposed to stay looping in our story about our partner. The thing with communication in particular is that speaking from the true self is a new habit. So when we are habitually trained in society to speak from our condition self, to use language that disowns our experience, like you make me so mad. That's just something I hear quite often that has so much hooks and entanglement embedded in it. If we're using language from our condition self, it's an indicator that we aren't truly connected, we're still in a projection, or we're still in an interjection, or we're not in full contact. And so if we're willing to look and see why, like

42:46 why am I assigning my feelings to that person, blaming them for how I feel as opposed to taking full ownership as an emotionally mature, self responsible adult for the way that I feel and then making a decision about how I want to be here, Like it takes a lot of awareness and continual looking within, and it's beautiful work. Like when we're truly committed to looking in the mirror of relationship, the depth that we can find both within ourselves and an intimacy is it's so much more beautiful than any of the narratives that the mind can put onto relationship or any fantasy that we think relationship might be.

43:27 Like the true experience is it's pure magic. And I will say that in my own personal life, like having overcome the patterns that I have overcome in my life and arriving into a marriage that is beyond what my mind could have ever conceived of that where he's such a reflection of my integrated wholeness as opposed to my wounding. I mean, I'm so grateful for having done the work. Yes, yes, amen to that. Yes, Oh my goodness. You know what, we come to the clothes. Time goes by so quickly sometimes, but you know, as we get to the clothes, if you could just you know, put in a very short moment a message that you'd like to share with the audience, what would that be.

44:23 I would like people to recognize that to do personal growth work is deeply humbling any part of our ego that thinks that we are special or above other people, like really really pulls us away from doing our deep work. And so by humbly looking at ourselves and finding our way back to our true nature, the joy and the love and the connection to all of humanity that can arise from that place is is so it's just so beautiful and so embodied, like with our feet on the ground, humbly standing our sacred ground and opening our heart to what life wants to unfold.

45:11 Oh, thank you for that. Thank you. So. How do people find your book? My book is on Amazon. Yeah, Align, Living and Loving from the True Self. There's also links on my website which are My website is the spiritually Aligned dot. Com Okay, so website Amazon, and then when they go to your website, are they actually able to get in touch with you if they so desire. Yeah. Absolutely. I have a lot of courses on my website for spiritually aligned relationships and also for therapists who are committed to awakening. Wonderful harmony. Thank you so much. This is this has been This has been wonderful. I appreciate it, and I appreciate everything that you're doing. I find that you know, as people truly seek to develop that in herself, that all of a sudden, the next step is to empower others, and that's what you're doing. So kudos to you. Thank you so much.

46:09 Thanks for having me you Bett. And folks, thanks for listening. I hope this has been meaningful for you. Look forward to having you join us again soon. This is doctor B saying no mistay