Oct. 23, 2024

ACE Your Life

ACE Your Life

One of the biggest struggles many of us have is to be able to truly and genuinely allow our authentic self to come to the surface. When we do that we can experience a whole different life.
Michelle Maidenberg, PhD is one of those individuals who...

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One of the biggest struggles many of us have is to be able to truly and genuinely allow our authentic self to come to the surface. When we do that we can experience a whole different life.
Michelle Maidenberg, PhD is one of those individuals who focuses with her clients to achieve that.
Michelle has developed the concept of ACE, acceptance, compassion and empowerment, as well as using different modalities, to help people discover their authentic selves.
www.michellemaidenberg.com

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This program is designed to provide general information with regards

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to the subject matters covered. This information is given with

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the understanding that neither the hosts, guests, sponsors, or station

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are engaged in rendering any specific and personal medical, financial,

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legal counseling, professional service, or any advice.

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You should seek the services.

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Of competent professionals before applying or trying any suggested ideas.

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At the end of the day, it's not about what

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you have or even what you've accomplished. It's about what

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you've done with those accomplishments. It's about who you've lifted up,

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who you've made better. It's about what you've given back.

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Denzel Washington, welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is

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to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you to.

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Do the same.

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Michelle, welcome to the show.

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Hi, thanks for having me.

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It's great to have you. I'm looking forward to this.

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You come with some incredible credentials, and so you know,

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it's going to be interesting with all of those credentials

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to talk to you about a number of these things

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that I've talked to other people about, maybe not with

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as high credentials as you.

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Have, So it's gonna be really fun. I'm gonna have

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some interesting questions for you, so.

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I'm super excited.

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Before we start, can you explain and share with the

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audience your journey who you are. Don't be afraid to

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talk about what you've accomplished and why.

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You know, we all have questions of why are you

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doing what.

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You're doing now, and that would be one of my

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questions I'd like you to answer.

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Yeah, So I'll give you an example of why I'm

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doing what I'm doing. Okay, yesterday, for example, I had

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a person who I was saying, she's in her twenties,

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and I started seeing her when she was maybe eighth

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grade something like that, and her parents, of course made

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her come in and it was involuntary, and she came

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in because she was having some I guess disruptive behavior. Again, academically,

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she was doing fine, but she was being a little

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bit let's say, disrespectful and combative at home, so they

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thought it would be important for her to come in,

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and they were concerned how that was going to carry

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over into her friendships, you know, across the board. So,

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of course, because she was coming in involuntarily, she was

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not happy to be here, and she really gave me

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a hard time, but we did form a connection and

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I did whatever I could with her, but it was

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you know, more supportive in nature, I would say, and

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just really make her feel supported and comforted and also

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that she could like openly express herself. Fast forward, she

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came and she was really working on anxiety. That was

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the core of the issue that was coming up for her,

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which I discovered that a lot of the combative behavior

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was coming from underlying anxiety, which I shared with them. Anyway,

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fast forward she ended up after seeing her for a

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bit of time, and then she circled back to me.

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Now she's in her twenties, and I felt like I

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really really got a good picture of her, understood her.

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She circled back and she said to me, you know, gosh,

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I gave you such a hard time when I was younger,

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but I'm really ready to work now and I'm coming

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back because I'm serious about it. Fast forward. This is

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a kid who literally was so rigid and so tightly

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wound and so protective and defensive, and you know, all

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the adaptations you can imagine coming up to the surface.

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And then yesterday she announced to me that she's considering

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being a therapist as a career option. Now, if you

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told me that when she was in eighth grade, I

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would have fallen off my chair because she was going

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to be an attorney and she was going to this

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school and it was going to look this way and

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that that was it. Anyway, and then she just recently

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a couple months ago, got into this really healthy first

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and healthy and you know, intimate relationship and it's going

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really well. And anyway, the transformation is vast. I cannot

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even tell you. And she said to me, she expressed

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to me the read. I said to her, Wow, this

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is a big change of heart. What's going on? Where

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did this come from? And she said, I realize how

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much therapy has helped me over the time we've been together.

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And I really want to do something that's significant and meaningful.

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And I really feel like I could make an impact

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like you've made for me. And again, this is a

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kid who does not like to be vulnerable. She does

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not express herself emotionally. I could go on and on,

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and I you know, I really I almost like welled

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up in tears. I have to tell you, because this

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is like her authentic self, her like golden shadow coming

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to the surface. And I said to her, I said,

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I am seeing like feminine qualities come up like I

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used to see like this aggression and defensiveness, right, but

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like we're peeling away this onion in the surface and

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look what's showing up. Like how beautiful and that you

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were able to share with me, how much I've meant

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to you, Like how meaningful that was to me. Anyway,

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That's why I do what I.

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Do, Okay, And you know what we don't We don't

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get enough of that feedback.

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I mean, it's you.

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Know, I've talked about this a lot, and I remember

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when I was teaching some classes in church and at

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that time I was very involved and so forth, and

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it was so frustrating because it's like, you know, am

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I making a difference for these people? And just one

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time someone came in and said, hey, I need to

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tell you, and it's like, wow, that made all the

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difference in the world. So please talk about who you

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are as far as your background, your you.

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Know, I have a private practice in Harrison, New York.

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I am the founder of a foundation which is a

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nonprofit and it's called Through My Eyes th HRU and

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it offers free clinically guided videotaping for chronically medically ill

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individuals who want to leave a video legacy for their

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children and loved ones. Yeah. I've done that for the

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past ten years. I've done over three hundred videos, and

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I'm really looking actually at this point, to expand it

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because I really want it to be more nationally based.

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I'm looking for a partnership. I'm looking for anything. Literally,

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I have absolutely I'm open to anything because I am

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so so passionate about the mission and I see how

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helpful it is for people. So it's my baby that

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I really want to nurture so badly. I'm an adjunct

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faculty member at NYU New York University, and I teach

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a course how to integrate mindfulness practice in Clinical Practice,

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which I love you to therapists, which is so lovely.

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And then there's so many things that I do, but

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I'll just kind of cut to the chase and zoom

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right to the next thing. I recently published a new book.

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It's my second book, and it's called Acier Life. Unleash

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your best self and live the life you want. And

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it's predicated under acceptance, compassion, and empowerment. That's what A

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stands for. I am a Psychology Today blogger and I

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have almost two million readers, which is so exciting. And

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then I also publish on my YouTube channel a guided

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meditation every Thursday morning. Okay, a little bit about me.

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That's who you are.

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So I have a question, and I hope this is

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not going to be offensive, Okay, because so often, and

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I've experienced this personally when we talk about talk therapy

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and I think you understand what I'm saying. Oh yeah,

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I had so many people say to me, you know what,

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I spent years and years and years in talk therapy

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and all we did was talk, yes, And all I

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did was pay the therapist to listen to me talk,

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Whereas I've had others tell me every once in a

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while they'll meet someone who gets to.

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The root cause.

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So when you were talking about your client that had anxiety,

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how did ultimately.

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Yeah, did you get to the root cause of what

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was causing that anxiety? And how do we fix it?

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So tell me your thoughts on that, and sar, what's

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the difference between talk therapy and everything you do? Because

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I know there's a lot of things you do, and

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we're going to talk about that some more.

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Yeah, that's a great question, and I wish more people

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would ask questions like that, because there's different types of

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therapies that's better fit for different types of people. You know,

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I think when you talk traditionally about talk therapy, what

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I'm hearing you say is more supportive in nature, that's not.

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And again it takes different kind of shapes and forms,

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you know. I think for certain people that's very helpful

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and that's all they want, you know. And I say

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to them when I see they're just kind of droning

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on and on and on and telling their story and

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that they need the support, they need to be heard,

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that that is primary for them, I'll say to them.

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It seems to me, right like you've kind of listed these,

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you know, several challenges you want to work on. But

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I'm also hearing that you really want to tell your story,

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you really want to be heard. Do you want to

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focus today? And really just you know that I offer

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you support? Is that? You know? So I give people

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a choice because inevitably, if I lead them in a direction,

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that's my agenda, not theirs, right, So that doesn't work

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for everybody, It just doesn't. So what the type of

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work that I do personally, and I have many people

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who come to me who say they've been in therapy

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and it hasn't been helpful. So I do want to

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say that. Yes, So I think what what makes my

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I'm going to say my experience, my knowledge, you know

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a little bit different is I have skills in different areas.

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So I do something called E MDR, which is I

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movement desensitization reprocessing, and that does more work with a

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subconscious and it's more like in our child's you know,

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deeper work. I do work around polyvagel theory, which is

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more somatic. Right, things that happen in our bodies that

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you know kind of come up as a result of

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anxiety and other things.

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Right.

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So, for example, you know, I do cognitive behavior therapy,

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which again is a different type of So I do

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I pull I'm going to say, from a lot of

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different therapies. And my method that I came up with

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through my experience and my work with people, called the

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East Method, is very systematic and it actually works on stuckness.

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The goal of it is to move through any type

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of barrier stuckness challenge that anyone has. We all have

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stuckness if you're a human being, Okay, we all have stuckness.

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It's part of our humanism and right, So it doesn't

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matter what it is. It could be interpersonal related, it

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could be a relationship, it could be career oriented, it

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could be a personal barrier, it could whatever whatever, and

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it really helps you kind of to moul through that.

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So whatever comes your way throughout your life developmentally. And

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I use it with you know, teenagers, I use it

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with adults. I use it with people with all different ages,

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and they use the lingo, which is really cool too.

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They'll say, like, I didn't quite lean into my values,

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you know, this week, and I realize I have to

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really kind of focus on this, you know, this value

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that I've been a little bit kind of neglecting. So

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I think it depends where the person comes from, you know,

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what their kind of knowledge base is, what their interest is.

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You know, some people, I'm a very direct person. I

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don't give advice because if a therapist is giving you advice,

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then that's not necessarily helpful because I don't have to

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suffer the consequences of other people's actions. So I can't

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tell it be telling you what to do. I could

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say hmm. It seems like there's options you have. I'm

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seeing this option, this option, this option, Right, what do

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you think would work best for you? What do you

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think you know about these options? You know?

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So, so let's get into the E. M.

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D R.

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Because you talk about getting back into that real subconscious,

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and you know, there's there's this whole theory that goes

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on and on and on and on about and I

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happened to believe it, by the way, about the subconscious

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and how that literally is creating our life experiences. And

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as we talk about subconscious not only our own personal

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experience growing up as children, but also when we get

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into the DNA history and all of that type of stuff,

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where we literally inherit some of these emotions and beliefs

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from ancestors years ago and behaviors.

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Yeah, yes, yes, So.

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How do you how do you help people to really

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number one, identify that you know, what you're experiencing is

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something that you are creating, and we need to figure

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out what is it subconsciously that's causing you to create

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that very issue in your life.

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Yeah. So I think what you're talking about two things.

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One is we live in our subconscious. We do you know,

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we're ninety five percent of literally of our time is

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spent in our subconscious believe it or not. Okay, So

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when you drive to the grocery store or you do

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your morning routine, you're not thinking about what you're doing.

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You're just doing It's it's literally your roats. Okay. Sometimes

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you can even think about what are you eat today? Right,

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like these simple things where you realize you just were

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not paying attention. I'll be in the shower sometimes and

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I'll be like, did I wash my face? I can't

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remember if I washed my face, and I start laughing

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and I'm like, oh gosh, Like you know, I better

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watch it again because I don't remember because I'm not

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paying attention. So we don't We're not in the present moment.

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We're constantly, constantly flooded with thinking about the past and

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thinking about the future, and the past puts us in

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a space of regret and guilt.

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Right.

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The future puts us into this worried space. And the

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only thing we actually know is the present moment.

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Right.

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I know, right this second, as I'm speaking to you,

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i am safe. I know that I am grounded.

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Right.

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I can't tell you what's going to happen in five

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minutes from now, I can't. I mean, maybe the fire

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alarm is going to go off in the building and

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I don't have to run out. Could happen? I don't know, right,

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So we really have That's what mindfulness is all about.

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It's really getting into the present moment and intentionally, nonjungmentally

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being in that space. And that's what we strive for

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because then we connect to ourselves, to others.

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Et cetera.

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So that's one thing. The second thing is you're talking

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about patterns that are creating over time. Now, the reason

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why that's the case has to do with our neurobiology.

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So I think it's important to recognize I see the

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videos going a little wonky. I think it has to

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do with our neurobiology. And you know, something to recognize

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about our neurobiology is we are constantly in the space

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of emotional avoidance, which is I talk about in my

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ted X talk circumventing emotional avoidance because our brains are

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wired to avoid discomfort and danger or perceive danger. So

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when we go through something in our lives, okay, there's

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a mapping that happens. There's literally these neural pathways that

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get formed, and the propensity is to repeat because it's familiar,

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and familiarity is comfortability. Now, when I say the word comfortable,

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that could be confusing because you're like, okay, but it's

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not comfortable because I'm doing this behavior that's actually self

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taught sabotaging. It's actually ends up being uncomfortable. No, your

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brain likes to take the path of least resistance. That's

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what it does. That's how it's wired. It's very reptilian.

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It says, if we're cavemen and cave women, yeah.

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Well yeah, and we have to be right. I mean,

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I think that's we have to be right. So when

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those emotions come up and those failures come up, we

300
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have to say, Okay, I'm right, rather than admitting that

301
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I'm responsible and in fact I may not be right

302
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because something else is controlling my life.

303
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That's right.

304
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So I'm noticing the video is a little wonky. Do

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you want me to refresh? Let's keep going, okay, because

306
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I could refresh it if you want me to. But okay, yeah, well,

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if you refresh it, we lose right and.

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We might not get knocked off. We'd have to kind

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of reboot and stuff. But totally.

310
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Okay, yeah, all right, So am d R, what what

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is that?

312
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I mean, I'm familiar with a number of different methodologies

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to get back to that. I happen to use NLP

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when I was doing that. But em DR, I've never

315
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really heard much about that, and I'd love for you

316
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to explain to the audience and what that is.

317
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So I cannot endorse it enough. Literally it is. I've

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seen miracles happen with my am DERR work. Literally, So

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it's traditionally known to work with post traumatic stress disorder,

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and it has traditionally been used with war veterans to

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help them through you know, obviously post traumatic stress. But

322
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I use it and it's now a lot more widely

323
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used for all different kind of issues. I use it

324
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for stuckness, I use it for anxiety, I use it

325
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for I mean literally anything. It's you know, people kind

326
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of so the nu once behind it, if you want

327
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to know a little bit more about it is we

328
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don't understand, okay, in terms of our cognition and our biology,

329
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why it is that when somebody experiences something, it kind

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of gets caught or stuck between the amygdala and the

331
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prefrontal cortex. Okay, and then what ends up happening is

332
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we either repeat patterns or behavior or when something comes

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up that reminds us that we make an association to

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that thing, whether it's like from our senses because we smell, touch,

335
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taste here, et cetera, or because it reminds us you know,

336
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in our memories or somatically in our bodies because of

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body sensations that we have that same reaction. Okay, we

338
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don't understand why that happens. So like, for example, the

339
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example that I always say is like during nine to eleven, right,

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people who are in the vicinity of the World Trade Center,

341
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whenever they heard a plane go overhead, they would have

342
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a startled response. And the question is, how does that

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make any sense? Why would people have these startled responses?

344
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Before this ever happened, they were completely okay, and then

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the chances of it happening again is one in a million.

346
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So why their body and their mindules that intellectually? Like

347
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if I would speak to the person, they would say

348
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to me, I don't understand why I'm having this reaction,

349
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Like I know, I'm okay, I don't get it. We

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don't understand why that happens. We do understand that our

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brain is wired to protect us. So it literally clings

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if you and again i'm kind of you know, you know,

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you know, trying to express it in a way that

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you can understand. Of course, So it clings to this

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memory and it doesn't allow it to fully integrate in

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a beneficial way. It gets fragmented, so that your brain

357
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continues to protect you. So every time the plan goes

358
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overhead and you get that startled response, it's the brain saying,

359
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don't forget, remember what happened. You could be in trouble,

360
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you know, protect yourself. Safety. Safety, safety. That's why it

361
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does that. And we have to actually appreciate that, because

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our brain is so incredibly generous and kind and warm

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and loving that it's trying to protect us from danger.

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But we get so angry at it and frustrated with it,

365
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and then we resist and we come bat and we

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disregard and we deny and we do all these sorts

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of mind tricks in order to remove ourselves, you know,

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from this position. So what EMDR helps with, there's it's

369
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called eye movement desensitization reprocessing. We do it through our senses.

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So for example, actually you could see the bar behind me.

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There's a bar here that's a light bar which I use,

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and it has a little light beam that goes back

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and forth, and it's all different colors because sometimes colors

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could trigger us also, So I usually use two modems.

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And it could either be visual, which is the light

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beam going side to side and you would be looking

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at the light beam. It could be tactile, which are

378
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too buzz which vibrate. It could be audio, which is

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a little kind of buzzing sound that goes from side

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to side, and they all are coordinated. They go, you know,

381
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and they calibrate to the same modem, and then we

382
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process whatever happened or whatever comes up while we're doing

383
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the uh you know, the processing, you know, the the

384
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desensitization through the processing, and that helps literally to un

385
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jimmy that information that's fragmented so that it is more

386
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integrated and our brain is online and recognizes that we're

387
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not in danger, or that we don't need to react

388
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that way, or that we're an adult now, we're not

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a child anymore, or whatever. So I do use it

390
00:21:45.480 --> 00:21:48.960
for example, for people experience trauma. I've used it, you know. Unfortunately,

391
00:21:49.000 --> 00:21:54.160
for repe survivors I've used it all sorts of issues. Literally,

392
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I had a person, I mean, just as an example,

393
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who I mean horrible, horrible tragedy. You know, her husband.

394
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They were in the middle of a store, like the

395
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day before Christmas, and the husband had a massive heart

396
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attack and died in the middle of the store and

397
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left two young, little, tiny children. So Number one, you

398
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could imagine she was petrified to go into that store

399
00:22:17.720 --> 00:22:21.039
because of the memories, and she was flooded with memories

400
00:22:21.119 --> 00:22:26.359
of what happened when that happened. And I worked with her,

401
00:22:26.839 --> 00:22:30.160
and you know, after working with her for some time,

402
00:22:30.400 --> 00:22:32.720
she remember she texted me one day and she was like,

403
00:22:32.799 --> 00:22:34.599
You'll never believe this. I went into the store and

404
00:22:34.640 --> 00:22:38.319
I did not have any reaction. I did not have

405
00:22:38.359 --> 00:22:41.640
any visceral reaction to being in the store, which, again,

406
00:22:41.720 --> 00:22:43.559
if you think about that, is incredible.

407
00:22:44.839 --> 00:22:48.279
So you're really literally as you're doing that, you're helping

408
00:22:48.279 --> 00:22:52.400
them to let go of those situations or really, well, the.

409
00:22:52.440 --> 00:22:56.839
Memory, the memory isn't fragmented anymore. It's integrated. That's I mean,

410
00:22:56.839 --> 00:22:58.759
if we had to ye say it in terms of

411
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what happens in our cognition.

412
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So it's integrated. And now by integrating it.

413
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Does that let it go to the point that it's

414
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no longer affecting their behavior.

415
00:23:09.119 --> 00:23:11.680
That's the whole Yeah, that you want them to get

416
00:23:11.680 --> 00:23:15.519
to a space really where their brain understands that they're

417
00:23:15.559 --> 00:23:20.359
not in danger, right or the brain understands that they're

418
00:23:20.400 --> 00:23:23.000
capable because they're an adult to protect themselves, or whatever

419
00:23:23.039 --> 00:23:24.839
it is that you're working on. It depends what it is.

420
00:23:25.079 --> 00:23:27.039
There's so many different things that kind of come up.

421
00:23:27.599 --> 00:23:29.480
I mean, I know when I was doing my own training,

422
00:23:29.880 --> 00:23:32.759
like literally, I remember there was one incident that happened

423
00:23:32.799 --> 00:23:36.599
in my training where I was I was amazed because

424
00:23:36.880 --> 00:23:39.359
if I would have been doing traditional therapy, it would

425
00:23:39.400 --> 00:23:42.519
have been five years of therapy that happened in literally

426
00:23:42.519 --> 00:23:43.240
two sessions.

427
00:23:43.960 --> 00:23:46.240
Wow, wow, no job, Yeah, no joke.

428
00:23:47.200 --> 00:23:52.160
So, and you mentioned that you do guided meditation also

429
00:23:52.480 --> 00:23:57.039
on your YouTube channel. How important is meditation and how

430
00:23:57.119 --> 00:24:01.200
much do you use meditation with your patient to really

431
00:24:01.319 --> 00:24:03.799
help them to overcome some of these issues?

432
00:24:05.319 --> 00:24:08.400
So, you know, meditation is a type of mindfulness practice.

433
00:24:08.759 --> 00:24:13.799
There's thousands and thousands of different types of mindfulness practices. Yes, well,

434
00:24:13.880 --> 00:24:18.160
people kind of get confused of what mindfulness is and

435
00:24:18.200 --> 00:24:20.640
I you know, again, I teach a fifteen week course

436
00:24:20.680 --> 00:24:24.480
on it, so you can imagine how much information about it.

437
00:24:25.000 --> 00:24:28.519
So what it essentially, if I had to kind of

438
00:24:28.759 --> 00:24:30.400
numb it down, you know, kind of numb it down,

439
00:24:30.519 --> 00:24:34.440
it's really creating space between the thinking and the doing, right,

440
00:24:34.640 --> 00:24:38.119
because I said, our mind is constantly gravitating towards you know,

441
00:24:38.359 --> 00:24:41.799
the future and the past. So it's really helping us

442
00:24:41.839 --> 00:24:46.279
to be in the present moment. So meditative practice is very,

443
00:24:46.519 --> 00:24:50.759
very helpful. And again it's not for everybody. But I look,

444
00:24:50.839 --> 00:24:53.799
like I say about exercise, you can't just throw the

445
00:24:53.880 --> 00:24:56.440
baby out with the bathwater and say, Okay, you know,

446
00:24:56.599 --> 00:24:58.839
jogging or running isn't for me, So I'm not going

447
00:24:58.920 --> 00:25:02.039
to exercise Like if A doesn't work to b c D,

448
00:25:02.359 --> 00:25:05.440
until you go through Z and find something that's compelling

449
00:25:05.519 --> 00:25:07.799
and find something that's beneficial in, something that you could

450
00:25:07.799 --> 00:25:10.160
connect to and something that you're going to you know,

451
00:25:10.319 --> 00:25:14.519
use routinely. Same thing with mindfulness, yeah, or meditative practice.

452
00:25:14.559 --> 00:25:18.559
You have to really find what works and make it

453
00:25:18.599 --> 00:25:21.519
a routine. That is the really important piece of it.

454
00:25:21.599 --> 00:25:25.559
But it's really intentionally and non judgmentally being in the

455
00:25:25.599 --> 00:25:26.599
present moment.

456
00:25:27.640 --> 00:25:30.039
Okay, And so you talked about your ACE method.

457
00:25:30.039 --> 00:25:31.839
I'd love for you to get into a little bit

458
00:25:31.839 --> 00:25:34.640
more depth on that because that really is your approach

459
00:25:34.680 --> 00:25:36.720
for people, right Yeah.

460
00:25:36.640 --> 00:25:40.960
Yeah, So it's really an integration of like I said,

461
00:25:40.960 --> 00:25:43.000
the work that I do, how I help people really

462
00:25:43.000 --> 00:25:46.640
get through their stockness and live a valued life, you know,

463
00:25:46.799 --> 00:25:48.920
like I said, it's a life of meaning, a life

464
00:25:49.400 --> 00:25:52.559
you know, living living and being your best self because

465
00:25:52.680 --> 00:25:55.559
essentially life is short and we really don't have time

466
00:25:55.559 --> 00:25:59.559
to waste. You know, we see, we see every moment

467
00:25:59.599 --> 00:26:03.000
as you know, time goes by like this, you know.

468
00:26:03.680 --> 00:26:07.279
So it's predicated, like a senator, acceptance, compassion, empowerment. And

469
00:26:07.279 --> 00:26:09.519
what I do in my books and the work that

470
00:26:09.559 --> 00:26:12.920
I do is I teach people about their norcognition, you know,

471
00:26:13.039 --> 00:26:16.160
about their thinking process because a lot of people don't

472
00:26:16.200 --> 00:26:19.079
know how our brains are wired. And it's very essential

473
00:26:19.119 --> 00:26:22.039
to know that in order to make change because we

474
00:26:22.079 --> 00:26:24.519
have a lot of barriers and a lot of challenges.

475
00:26:25.519 --> 00:26:30.200
Constantly they're thrown at us that cause us not to

476
00:26:30.519 --> 00:26:34.160
be routined in our behavior. And that's why I essentially

477
00:26:34.200 --> 00:26:36.839
I ask people like how many of you have you know,

478
00:26:36.920 --> 00:26:39.400
kind of changed your habit or behavior, and everybody's hands

479
00:26:39.400 --> 00:26:41.559
go up. How many of you have maintained it over time?

480
00:26:41.759 --> 00:26:45.680
Hands go down. So there's so many resources out there

481
00:26:45.720 --> 00:26:48.839
that help us right to change habits, but not to

482
00:26:48.960 --> 00:26:52.079
sustain habits. That's part of the issue, and that's where

483
00:26:52.079 --> 00:26:54.880
my work comes in, Like, I want this to be sustaining.

484
00:26:55.039 --> 00:26:58.720
I don't want this to be temporary, temporary, not helpful.

485
00:26:59.319 --> 00:27:02.559
And when it's tiver it's actually could be even in

486
00:27:02.599 --> 00:27:05.160
some ways counterproductive, because then we end up beating ourselves

487
00:27:05.240 --> 00:27:09.960
up even more and more right, because a self fulfilling prophecy,

488
00:27:10.000 --> 00:27:12.119
it becomes a narrative of the way we see ourselves.

489
00:27:12.599 --> 00:27:15.039
This is too hard, I'm such a loser. Why can't

490
00:27:15.039 --> 00:27:17.039
I do this? You know, there's something wrong with me?

491
00:27:17.519 --> 00:27:20.119
And I could go on and on. So it's predicated

492
00:27:20.200 --> 00:27:24.400
acceptance is under you know. So after teaching about again

493
00:27:24.440 --> 00:27:29.000
our no recognition, I teach about our values. And you know,

494
00:27:29.039 --> 00:27:30.680
you may say, to me values, well, I know what

495
00:27:30.680 --> 00:27:33.480
my values are. That's most people say. And I'm going

496
00:27:33.559 --> 00:27:36.519
to say, you think you do, but you may know, yeah,

497
00:27:36.559 --> 00:27:40.160
that's right. I teach you how to really hone in

498
00:27:40.200 --> 00:27:43.720
on what your values are so that you're doing a value,

499
00:27:43.920 --> 00:27:48.559
a valuation, an assessment on a daily basis, because that.

500
00:27:48.680 --> 00:27:50.200
Is how do you do that?

501
00:27:50.759 --> 00:27:53.480
I have asked this question before, you know, because we

502
00:27:53.559 --> 00:27:57.079
talk about values, and so often our values are based

503
00:27:57.119 --> 00:27:57.799
on what we've.

504
00:27:57.680 --> 00:27:59.039
Been taught that they need to be.

505
00:27:59.599 --> 00:28:01.720
How do you help someone to get to the point

506
00:28:01.720 --> 00:28:04.960
where they really understand they're true?

507
00:28:04.880 --> 00:28:08.839
Yeah, so that's actually one that's only one type of values. Okay.

508
00:28:08.880 --> 00:28:11.519
So there's values that we acquire, which is what you're

509
00:28:11.559 --> 00:28:16.599
talking about, there's values that we aspire, and there are

510
00:28:16.720 --> 00:28:21.440
values that are circumstantial. So it's part of understanding what

511
00:28:22.559 --> 00:28:24.640
types of values come up for you. It's part of

512
00:28:24.720 --> 00:28:27.680
understanding how you're defining your values. It's part of understanding

513
00:28:27.720 --> 00:28:31.039
what actions you're going to take to lean into your values.

514
00:28:31.799 --> 00:28:34.480
And I do a whole series of exercises to help

515
00:28:34.519 --> 00:28:38.920
with that. I did a workshop, you know, last week,

516
00:28:39.119 --> 00:28:41.680
and somebody came on, you know, they were asking questions,

517
00:28:41.720 --> 00:28:43.640
and somebody said, oh, I don't understand. You know, my

518
00:28:43.720 --> 00:28:45.640
value is this and it hasn't changed. And I said,

519
00:28:45.799 --> 00:28:49.680
that's not your value, sorry, and then I started probing

520
00:28:49.759 --> 00:28:51.640
and then I said, no, this is your value. She

521
00:28:51.720 --> 00:28:53.720
was like, oh my goodness, I never thought about it

522
00:28:53.720 --> 00:28:56.000
that way, Thank you so much. Like it's such a

523
00:28:56.000 --> 00:28:59.880
different perspective. People don't really realize at the core of

524
00:29:00.039 --> 00:29:04.680
what's driving kind of what's driving that passion, whatever that

525
00:29:04.799 --> 00:29:08.359
is right, what's meaningful, what's important to you? So and

526
00:29:08.400 --> 00:29:11.960
then afterwards, I do you know under acceptance, compassion, empowerment.

527
00:29:12.200 --> 00:29:14.599
The first part of the chapters talk about the barriers,

528
00:29:14.759 --> 00:29:17.119
and then the second part is how we integrate it

529
00:29:17.160 --> 00:29:21.200
into our lives, and I use a lot of experiential exercises.

530
00:29:21.359 --> 00:29:24.599
I also end each chapter with a guided meditation with

531
00:29:24.640 --> 00:29:28.839
a QR code that people can link onto and actually

532
00:29:29.240 --> 00:29:31.839
use a guided meditation to really integrate the information, because

533
00:29:31.839 --> 00:29:36.599
I'm all about integration. So acceptance is embracing who you

534
00:29:36.680 --> 00:29:40.359
truly are. People are fearful of doing that because they're

535
00:29:40.440 --> 00:29:43.839
scared they're going to live a life of mediocrity and

536
00:29:44.160 --> 00:29:47.000
accepting who they are ultimately is not what they want

537
00:29:47.039 --> 00:29:51.079
to be accepting of. So we're talking more about without

538
00:29:51.119 --> 00:29:56.920
expectations and conditions and qualifications, and I teach about that,

539
00:29:57.119 --> 00:30:01.400
you know, compassion is I'm talking bo both to the self,

540
00:30:01.839 --> 00:30:06.960
which we're never taught by the way, never true, and

541
00:30:07.279 --> 00:30:11.039
which essentially results in compassion towards the other, So it

542
00:30:11.160 --> 00:30:15.799
helps with both and it really transforms the relationship we

543
00:30:15.880 --> 00:30:18.599
have with ourselves and the relationship we have with people

544
00:30:18.640 --> 00:30:24.039
outside of ourselves externally. And then empowerment is really about

545
00:30:24.079 --> 00:30:27.079
the doing, like what do we want to be doing

546
00:30:28.559 --> 00:30:31.400
in our lives so that we could walk away and

547
00:30:31.440 --> 00:30:35.000
we could essentially say that we're living our best life.

548
00:30:35.000 --> 00:30:37.079
We're living we're our best self, and we're living the

549
00:30:37.079 --> 00:30:40.039
life we want. And in you know, in my subtitle,

550
00:30:40.079 --> 00:30:42.680
I use the word unleash, and I use that word

551
00:30:42.720 --> 00:30:47.519
purposefully because my belief is that is it is already

552
00:30:47.559 --> 00:30:51.440
within us. It just needs to be uncovered. It needs

553
00:30:51.440 --> 00:30:56.200
to be unleashed. And part of what keeps it from

554
00:30:56.240 --> 00:30:59.559
being unleashed is all of these challenges and barriers and

555
00:30:59.799 --> 00:31:04.519
so cultural moraise and you know, our genetics and on

556
00:31:04.559 --> 00:31:07.559
and on and on that keeps us in this space

557
00:31:07.640 --> 00:31:11.359
and doesn't let us thrive, you know, and doesn't let

558
00:31:11.480 --> 00:31:14.359
us really move beyond what, like you said, is in

559
00:31:14.400 --> 00:31:18.160
our subconscious. So when we are unleashing it, we're actually

560
00:31:18.200 --> 00:31:21.559
able to connect authentically to who we are. Like I

561
00:31:21.599 --> 00:31:24.480
shared that first example with that you know client, that

562
00:31:24.480 --> 00:31:28.240
I'm working with She's connecting tour and she said that,

563
00:31:29.240 --> 00:31:30.599
and she you know what she said to me, which

564
00:31:30.640 --> 00:31:34.359
was so amazing. She said to me, it's so funny

565
00:31:34.359 --> 00:31:36.440
that you see that because I talked about femininity and

566
00:31:36.440 --> 00:31:38.400
all this stuff. She it's so funny that you're saying that,

567
00:31:38.480 --> 00:31:40.960
because one thing that I tell this new guy that

568
00:31:40.960 --> 00:31:44.240
I'm dating his boyfriend, is that he brings out the

569
00:31:44.359 --> 00:31:48.920
dainty side in me. And I was like, how ironic

570
00:31:49.240 --> 00:31:53.839
is that? How ironic is that that's that authentic kind

571
00:31:53.839 --> 00:31:57.279
of person in you that hasn't been able to really

572
00:31:57.319 --> 00:32:00.000
be unleashed because it was fearful of being vulnerable.

573
00:32:00.079 --> 00:32:04.799
All So, So here's a question that constantly comes into

574
00:32:04.799 --> 00:32:06.880
my mind, and I was just thinking about this this morning.

575
00:32:06.920 --> 00:32:09.160
In fact, I just wrote a blog about it.

576
00:32:09.200 --> 00:32:15.000
Is how how do we equalize those past memories, those

577
00:32:15.039 --> 00:32:18.599
past subconscious so they're not really the past subconscious stuff?

578
00:32:19.240 --> 00:32:20.839
And how do we move forward?

579
00:32:21.160 --> 00:32:24.960
Because I think oftentimes we get so focused on what

580
00:32:25.119 --> 00:32:30.720
we're talking about, the subconscious imprints all of that, that

581
00:32:30.720 --> 00:32:34.359
that's our main focus and we never really free ourselves

582
00:32:34.400 --> 00:32:37.359
to move forward and experience a different life.

583
00:32:37.799 --> 00:32:39.279
And how do we do that?

584
00:32:41.599 --> 00:32:44.920
Yeah, after again, it's you know, part of what I

585
00:32:44.960 --> 00:32:48.319
help people with is coming to a space where they're

586
00:32:48.359 --> 00:32:51.640
living more present in the present moment, because I think

587
00:32:51.640 --> 00:32:53.880
what you're talking about is people living in the past,

588
00:32:54.039 --> 00:32:58.599
right or yeah, so we're talking about really being here.

589
00:32:59.599 --> 00:33:02.240
You know, if you said to me, and I say

590
00:33:02.240 --> 00:33:03.960
this sometimes and people like, well, look at me, like

591
00:33:04.759 --> 00:33:07.240
you know, if you said to me, you know, how

592
00:33:07.279 --> 00:33:10.079
would you feel if you died tomorrow, I would actually

593
00:33:10.480 --> 00:33:12.240
say to you, I would die with a smile on

594
00:33:12.319 --> 00:33:15.079
my face. And I mean that from my heart. I

595
00:33:15.079 --> 00:33:17.079
wouldn't be happy to die, of course, because I want

596
00:33:17.079 --> 00:33:21.200
to be here for my future grandchildren, but I would

597
00:33:21.359 --> 00:33:25.559
I would be I would be content because I really

598
00:33:25.599 --> 00:33:28.599
feel like on a daily basis, and I evaluate this,

599
00:33:28.759 --> 00:33:31.880
I'm not just speaking it. This is actions I take

600
00:33:32.640 --> 00:33:37.359
that I could explicitly point out which actions I'm speaking

601
00:33:37.400 --> 00:33:42.079
to right, I'm acting on behalf of it that I

602
00:33:42.079 --> 00:33:46.640
feel like I am living meaningfully every moment of my life.

603
00:33:46.680 --> 00:33:49.319
And again not to say that I'm perfect, because I'm

604
00:33:49.559 --> 00:33:52.599
human and I falter, and i make mistakes and I'm

605
00:33:52.599 --> 00:33:57.640
imperfect like everybody else, but I'm able. Instead of bereating

606
00:33:57.640 --> 00:34:02.799
myself and condoning myself. I'm able to recognize my human

607
00:34:02.880 --> 00:34:08.880
ass I'm able to exercise self compassion, and I'm able

608
00:34:08.920 --> 00:34:12.840
to empower myself to take guided action on behalf of

609
00:34:12.840 --> 00:34:16.119
my values and empower myself to live the life that

610
00:34:16.199 --> 00:34:19.920
I truly want to even if I had an off moment,

611
00:34:20.280 --> 00:34:22.199
that's okay.

612
00:34:22.360 --> 00:34:25.239
Well, and so you're talking about the skills the steps,

613
00:34:25.320 --> 00:34:28.440
so for instance, and it will use me as an example. Okay,

614
00:34:29.079 --> 00:34:32.400
I'm your new client or your new patient. So I

615
00:34:32.480 --> 00:34:35.920
keep focusing on all the subconscious I keep thinking about

616
00:34:35.920 --> 00:34:39.119
it all of the time, and even as I'm meditating,

617
00:34:39.199 --> 00:34:41.159
I'm trying to have those come up so I can

618
00:34:41.159 --> 00:34:41.840
figure it out.

619
00:34:41.920 --> 00:34:43.599
And that has become my focus.

620
00:34:44.199 --> 00:34:46.719
But what are the steps and the skills that you

621
00:34:46.800 --> 00:34:49.760
want to help me with so that I can start

622
00:34:49.800 --> 00:34:52.519
to really live in the present and not let that

623
00:34:53.119 --> 00:34:56.039
become my focus, but rather be able to move forward

624
00:34:56.400 --> 00:34:59.440
and realize that I can create a different life for myself.

625
00:35:00.400 --> 00:35:02.440
Yeah, so I would want to find out where the

626
00:35:02.480 --> 00:35:07.000
focus is leading you to, Like, I don't have a

627
00:35:07.039 --> 00:35:10.800
problem that you keep focusing on your past. The thoughts,

628
00:35:11.079 --> 00:35:14.320
the thoughts and the feelings are not the issue. It's

629
00:35:14.360 --> 00:35:19.159
the behavior that could be challenging. I can't control you

630
00:35:19.199 --> 00:35:22.280
can't control your thoughts and feelings, Okay, we can only

631
00:35:22.320 --> 00:35:24.400
control the actions that we take.

632
00:35:25.480 --> 00:35:25.800
Okay.

633
00:35:25.840 --> 00:35:30.239
When I tell that to people, they're like, huh yeah. Like,

634
00:35:30.400 --> 00:35:32.599
if I tell you get that thought out of your mind,

635
00:35:33.679 --> 00:35:37.719
good luck, because the fact that I'm saying that to you,

636
00:35:37.719 --> 00:35:40.239
your mind is actually going to repeat it, and then

637
00:35:40.280 --> 00:35:42.440
you're going to get frustrated with yourself. Why you keep

638
00:35:42.440 --> 00:35:46.159
on thinking that thought. That's just the way our mind works.

639
00:35:46.199 --> 00:35:50.280
We can't control that. There's utility to that. Our mind

640
00:35:50.440 --> 00:35:53.199
is doing that, like I said, to protect you, and

641
00:35:53.239 --> 00:35:55.760
if you understood that, you would appreciate it rather than

642
00:35:55.800 --> 00:36:00.079
getting frustrated with it. Okay, So I would say, wow, oh,

643
00:36:00.480 --> 00:36:02.800
your mind is so protective. It really wants you to

644
00:36:02.880 --> 00:36:07.400
remember this and it has some utility for you. Right.

645
00:36:07.480 --> 00:36:11.480
So let's take a moment when we notice that happening. Okay, right,

646
00:36:11.880 --> 00:36:16.039
let's just notice it. Wow, my mind it's pretty feisty

647
00:36:16.159 --> 00:36:19.320
right now. It's like going ten miles an hour. It

648
00:36:19.400 --> 00:36:24.559
really wants me to focus on that. Interesting, Okay. And

649
00:36:24.639 --> 00:36:27.679
when I focus on that, what am I thinking? What

650
00:36:27.760 --> 00:36:32.360
am I feeling? What behavior does it lead me to? Right?

651
00:36:32.480 --> 00:36:35.119
So it's not the thought or feeling that's the problem.

652
00:36:35.199 --> 00:36:38.880
It's the behavior that could be the issue.

653
00:36:39.920 --> 00:36:42.519
And is that where mindfulness comes in to where you

654
00:36:42.639 --> 00:36:47.159
literally are mindful enough that you recognize that are coming in,

655
00:36:47.199 --> 00:36:49.039
but you handle it in a different way.

656
00:36:49.519 --> 00:36:53.320
Yes, it transforms the way you see your thoughts, it

657
00:36:53.400 --> 00:36:59.880
transforms the way you essentially the relationship you have with now,

658
00:37:00.440 --> 00:37:03.960
and then it transforms your behavior on behalf of them.

659
00:37:04.480 --> 00:37:07.800
That's really what we're going for, right. We don't want

660
00:37:07.800 --> 00:37:11.360
to be impulsive, we don't want to be patteritonistic, we

661
00:37:11.480 --> 00:37:16.360
don't want to be living like again, leaning outside of

662
00:37:16.400 --> 00:37:20.840
our values, because that's going to make us feel defeated.

663
00:37:20.920 --> 00:37:22.920
It's going to make us feel disappointed, it's going to

664
00:37:22.920 --> 00:37:25.199
make us feel frustrated, and on and on and on

665
00:37:25.400 --> 00:37:28.760
for good reason, for good reason. So I'll give you

666
00:37:28.800 --> 00:37:31.519
like a little example. But like let's say somebody is

667
00:37:31.559 --> 00:37:34.360
trying to cut down on sugar. I don't know making

668
00:37:34.400 --> 00:37:37.199
this up right, They're going to watch their diet cut

669
00:37:37.239 --> 00:37:39.400
down on sugar, which is you know, tends to be

670
00:37:39.519 --> 00:37:43.079
challenging for many people. Right. And my first book actually

671
00:37:43.159 --> 00:37:45.679
because you know, I have a subspecialty in health and wellness,

672
00:37:45.800 --> 00:37:49.480
that's definitely a big interest of mine as well. So

673
00:37:49.800 --> 00:37:55.440
if if somebody says, right, they know that when they

674
00:37:55.480 --> 00:37:59.400
have dessert a cake in their house, right, they'll say

675
00:37:59.440 --> 00:38:01.360
to themselves, Okay, I'll just have one bite and they

676
00:38:01.400 --> 00:38:05.000
end up eating like three pieces. I don't know right now,

677
00:38:05.039 --> 00:38:09.119
why do people keep falling into that rots Because when

678
00:38:09.159 --> 00:38:11.079
the thought comes in and I'll say to the person,

679
00:38:12.000 --> 00:38:17.159
what was happening in your mind between when you thought

680
00:38:17.159 --> 00:38:19.800
about it and when you acted and ate the three pieces?

681
00:38:20.119 --> 00:38:22.719
And they'll say to me, I wasn't thinking. There was

682
00:38:22.760 --> 00:38:25.679
no thought that was coming through my mind. I saw

683
00:38:25.719 --> 00:38:28.000
the cake, and next thing I know, three pieces are

684
00:38:28.039 --> 00:38:31.079
in my mouth. I don't know what happened. I said, really, well,

685
00:38:31.119 --> 00:38:34.000
let's slow down a little bit. Let's really slow you down,

686
00:38:34.880 --> 00:38:38.760
and then I'd give them a list of thirty rationalizations, right,

687
00:38:38.880 --> 00:38:43.159
that come up when we have that thinking in between

688
00:38:43.679 --> 00:38:46.239
the thoughts and the actions. And then they start giggling,

689
00:38:46.519 --> 00:38:50.880
Oh my gosh, yeah, I thought like, okay, tomorrow'll eat less.

690
00:38:51.400 --> 00:38:53.320
I'm like, yeah, she really shouldn't have had this because

691
00:38:53.320 --> 00:38:55.320
I really had a nice dinner and I don't really

692
00:38:55.360 --> 00:38:59.320
need them on and on. Okay, now, in order to

693
00:38:59.440 --> 00:39:03.599
avoid the discomfort of those thoughts. Okay, which is what

694
00:39:03.639 --> 00:39:07.400
we do. We deny and we avoid. They'll just eat

695
00:39:07.400 --> 00:39:10.840
the cake. And then what happens once they eat the cake?

696
00:39:10.920 --> 00:39:15.119
Then they feel awful about themselves. I can't be disciplined.

697
00:39:15.360 --> 00:39:18.920
What's wrong with me? I'm always self sabotaging myself. I'm

698
00:39:18.920 --> 00:39:22.079
never going to be good at this, and on and

699
00:39:22.119 --> 00:39:27.079
on again, and then the next time it happens, same thing, right,

700
00:39:27.239 --> 00:39:29.159
because they have the belief that they're not good at

701
00:39:29.199 --> 00:39:33.000
it and that they're not going to be successful, So

702
00:39:33.159 --> 00:39:36.760
they fall right into the same trap. If they slowed

703
00:39:36.760 --> 00:39:40.320
down and they paid attention and they became less avoidant

704
00:39:40.360 --> 00:39:44.119
of the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings and the somatic feelings

705
00:39:44.119 --> 00:39:47.119
in their body, they could, like I said, take a

706
00:39:47.159 --> 00:39:50.880
step back and say, oh gosh, there's that thought. Now

707
00:39:50.920 --> 00:39:52.599
I have a choice that I could make right at

708
00:39:52.599 --> 00:39:57.000
this moment. Now, let me connect to my values right

709
00:39:57.199 --> 00:39:59.559
and let that lead me rather than my thoughts and

710
00:39:59.599 --> 00:40:00.239
feelings things.

711
00:40:01.320 --> 00:40:05.840
Oh, I love that. I love that. That great example.

712
00:40:06.039 --> 00:40:11.519
So yeah, I guess as we as we get near.

713
00:40:11.360 --> 00:40:13.840
The close, Yeah, And I just want to say one

714
00:40:13.840 --> 00:40:18.320
more thing. What we practice grows stronger.

715
00:40:18.880 --> 00:40:21.079
Okay, I was going to ask you another question too,

716
00:40:21.239 --> 00:40:23.639
because you talk about compassion. I hear a lot of

717
00:40:23.639 --> 00:40:25.719
people talk about, you know, you need to love yourself

718
00:40:25.760 --> 00:40:27.880
before you can love others. You know, we need to

719
00:40:27.920 --> 00:40:32.519
have compassion for ourselves. And just briefly, how does someone

720
00:40:33.000 --> 00:40:38.480
truly develop compassion for themselves? Because society fights against that

721
00:40:38.800 --> 00:40:41.280
completely in my opinion, and.

722
00:40:41.199 --> 00:40:43.760
By the way, not for nothing, but we have less

723
00:40:43.760 --> 00:40:46.400
compassion towards others too, don't you think?

724
00:40:46.760 --> 00:40:46.920
Oh?

725
00:40:47.000 --> 00:40:49.760
Yeah, absolutely, And what's going on in society? I mean,

726
00:40:49.840 --> 00:40:55.000
let's be real. I mean in the US, I mean, gosh,

727
00:40:55.079 --> 00:40:59.039
I've never seen like, at least since I've been born,

728
00:40:59.400 --> 00:41:06.239
I've never seen such instability, such aggression, such inflexibility such. Yeah,

729
00:41:06.360 --> 00:41:09.559
I mean, it's really it's quite scary, I have to say,

730
00:41:09.719 --> 00:41:12.880
it's really. It makes me really sad. It makes me

731
00:41:12.920 --> 00:41:15.840
really sad that my children are living through this, honestly,

732
00:41:16.719 --> 00:41:20.719
you know, and it takes different forms, you know, through

733
00:41:20.760 --> 00:41:23.039
the years, but like, I just have never seen it

734
00:41:23.119 --> 00:41:26.039
this this, you know, at this level. Let's put it

735
00:41:26.039 --> 00:41:31.679
that way. So you know, compassion is a funny word

736
00:41:31.760 --> 00:41:35.000
because it feels it almost you know, sounds like you know,

737
00:41:35.400 --> 00:41:38.559
everyone needs to be compassionate and love each other, you know,

738
00:41:38.679 --> 00:41:42.000
we need to love ourselves. And you know, no, that's

739
00:41:42.039 --> 00:41:42.679
not what it is.

740
00:41:43.400 --> 00:41:43.599
You know.

741
00:41:44.679 --> 00:41:49.199
If I say to you you are worthy, you know,

742
00:41:49.440 --> 00:41:54.519
that makes people really uncomfortable. It's interesting because I just

743
00:41:54.679 --> 00:41:58.599
yesterday wrote a blog on this. Yeah, it's my third

744
00:41:58.639 --> 00:42:02.239
one on self compassion. I just published it. It's actually

745
00:42:02.239 --> 00:42:06.000
out today, so take a look at it. But it

746
00:42:06.079 --> 00:42:10.840
talks about a methodology by which to acquire self compassion. Now,

747
00:42:11.079 --> 00:42:14.519
when we speak to children, we don't say to them,

748
00:42:14.800 --> 00:42:17.920
how do you feel about what you accomplished? We say

749
00:42:18.119 --> 00:42:21.480
how does so and so feel? Or like I'm so

750
00:42:21.599 --> 00:42:27.000
proud of you? No, how do you feel? And that's

751
00:42:27.039 --> 00:42:31.400
a very very different, different way of acculturating people to

752
00:42:32.079 --> 00:42:38.199
evaluating their own behaviors and their own accomplishments. And if

753
00:42:38.239 --> 00:42:41.639
you want to integrate the thought and feeling I am worthy,

754
00:42:42.119 --> 00:42:44.719
you need to actually believe that because you're taking action

755
00:42:44.840 --> 00:42:49.159
on behalf of it. It doesn't happen haphazardly just because,

756
00:42:49.800 --> 00:42:52.840
like you know, there's all these articles and there's all

757
00:42:52.840 --> 00:42:57.880
these you know, blogs and whatever online about like acquiring

758
00:42:57.920 --> 00:43:01.199
self love and happiness. You know, so if you look

759
00:43:01.239 --> 00:43:04.800
in the mirror and say I love myself a thousand times. Right,

760
00:43:04.840 --> 00:43:09.440
it's going to seep in good luck because I could

761
00:43:09.480 --> 00:43:12.480
tell you that if I'm not doing something, you know,

762
00:43:12.599 --> 00:43:17.000
directly to enhance my confidence and self love not happening.

763
00:43:17.239 --> 00:43:19.679
It just isn't. I could tell to myself till I'm

764
00:43:19.719 --> 00:43:22.159
blue in the face, and it's not going to happen.

765
00:43:23.360 --> 00:43:25.679
So what do I do? Real quick? What do I do?

766
00:43:25.880 --> 00:43:28.840
So it's it's my method. It's my method. I mean,

767
00:43:28.960 --> 00:43:31.880
it's if you're living according to your values, if you

768
00:43:32.079 --> 00:43:35.440
have self acceptance, if you're taking action on behalf of

769
00:43:35.480 --> 00:43:39.440
your values, you are going to have self compassion. There's

770
00:43:39.519 --> 00:43:43.079
exercises too that you do to enhance self compassion. So

771
00:43:43.280 --> 00:43:45.960
like even you know, like the butterfly. This is called

772
00:43:45.960 --> 00:43:48.960
the butterfly. But it's a soft touch, you know. So

773
00:43:49.079 --> 00:43:51.920
when I do lean into my values, and it could

774
00:43:51.960 --> 00:43:54.559
be so a core value of mine is kindness. That

775
00:43:54.679 --> 00:43:57.880
is a really core value of mine. Any act that

776
00:43:58.000 --> 00:44:01.519
I do that leans into my value of kindness. And

777
00:44:01.599 --> 00:44:03.760
I don't care if it's saying hello to somebody in

778
00:44:03.800 --> 00:44:07.320
the hallway or it's asking somebody, so, how's your grandmother?

779
00:44:07.360 --> 00:44:11.360
I know she fell yesterday or whatever it is. I sit,

780
00:44:12.360 --> 00:44:16.039
excuse me, and I take the moment and I integrate that,

781
00:44:16.960 --> 00:44:21.079
and I said, I leaned into my value of kindness.

782
00:44:21.360 --> 00:44:24.719
I am kind. I am a kind human.

783
00:44:26.440 --> 00:44:30.679
So compassion ends up being the result of following.

784
00:44:30.360 --> 00:44:33.599
That age method. Is not something that we can push.

785
00:44:34.239 --> 00:44:37.199
Is the result of becoming who we.

786
00:44:37.159 --> 00:44:40.159
Are cultivating yourself. And also, by the way, if I

787
00:44:40.280 --> 00:44:43.480
asked you, do you think people are worthy intrinsically? What

788
00:44:43.480 --> 00:44:44.159
would you tell me?

789
00:44:44.719 --> 00:44:45.400
Absolutely?

790
00:44:46.000 --> 00:44:48.480
But guess what? Then I say to the person, well,

791
00:44:48.519 --> 00:44:50.960
why don't you think that way about yourself? And they

792
00:44:50.960 --> 00:44:52.719
start they start giggling.

793
00:44:53.719 --> 00:44:54.360
Just like I did.

794
00:44:55.559 --> 00:44:58.199
Yeah, It's like, why is it that you think that

795
00:44:58.239 --> 00:45:00.000
way of everybody else but you can't think that way

796
00:45:00.079 --> 00:45:00.760
about yourself?

797
00:45:01.960 --> 00:45:04.159
That's great, all right, So I'm gonna have to cut

798
00:45:04.199 --> 00:45:05.760
it because we're out of time.

799
00:45:05.800 --> 00:45:08.000
But what would be the message that you'd like to

800
00:45:08.039 --> 00:45:08.960
share with the audience.

801
00:45:10.199 --> 00:45:14.159
I'm going to say this again, every moment is precious,

802
00:45:14.559 --> 00:45:17.920
and I mean that with my heart. I see such tragedy.

803
00:45:18.320 --> 00:45:22.320
I mean, just yesterday I got a message that a

804
00:45:22.400 --> 00:45:29.000
friend's partner lost their twenty five year old to fennel poisoning. Okay, yeah,

805
00:45:29.239 --> 00:45:33.119
this happens. I see these messages all the time. Last

806
00:45:33.159 --> 00:45:36.119
week I had a client's friend who died of a

807
00:45:36.159 --> 00:45:39.719
massive heart attack at age forty five. Okay, we don't

808
00:45:39.760 --> 00:45:43.280
have time. We don't have time to waste. Every moment

809
00:45:43.320 --> 00:45:46.119
is precious and we need to live every life meaningfully.

810
00:45:46.920 --> 00:45:49.599
Yeah, well, thank you. And how did people find you? Again?

811
00:45:50.960 --> 00:45:53.679
My website is a great way and it's my name Michelle,

812
00:45:53.719 --> 00:45:56.360
which is two l's, and Maidenberg is m Ai d

813
00:45:56.880 --> 00:46:01.599
n B e erg. You could again subscribe to my

814
00:46:01.679 --> 00:46:05.280
YouTube channel, I could subscribe to my Psychology Today blog,

815
00:46:06.119 --> 00:46:09.320
and you could find me and my book on my website.

816
00:46:09.519 --> 00:46:12.159
So I love connecting with other people.

817
00:46:13.159 --> 00:46:17.239
Wonderful Michelle, thanks so much. I really appreciate you being

818
00:46:17.280 --> 00:46:20.159
on the show. And folks, thanks for listening. And for

819
00:46:20.199 --> 00:46:23.519
those that are watching, apologize for the video stuff.

820
00:46:23.280 --> 00:46:26.760
That's going on. I've been discoing like the whole time.

821
00:46:26.880 --> 00:46:27.880
This has been really cool.

822
00:46:28.400 --> 00:46:32.320
Yeah, absolutely so, folks, thanks for listening.

823
00:46:32.679 --> 00:46:33.719
Have a wonderful week.

824
00:46:33.960 --> 00:46:46.920
This is doctor Doug saying I'm stay