A Thriving Marriage: Information vs Transformation

0:01 This program is designed to provide general information with regards to the subject matters covered. This information is given with the understanding that neither the hosts, guests, sponsors, or station are engaged in rendering any specific and personal medical, financial, legal counseling, professional service, or any advice. You should seek the services of competent professionals before applying or trying any suggested ideas. At the end of the day, it's not about what you have or even what you've accomplished. It's about what you've done with those accomplishments. It's about who you've lifted up, who you've made better. It's about what you've given back.

0:44 Thanzel Washington, Welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you to. Do the same. Meredith and Craig Bennett, Hey, welcome to the show. Thank you so happy to be here. Yeah, I'm excited about this and as I have so often shared with other folks, I don't like doing a formal introduction because I think it's more important for you to share your story with the audience and definitely less boring, So if you don't mind, I love for you to kind of share your story and how on earth did you get to this point of doing what you're doing.

1:25 It's a great question. It's an interesting story. Yeah, it's funny too, because we talk all the time about we're going to tell the story here in a second. But had we planned this story ahead of time, it never would have ever turned out this way. But when you look back, you're like, oh, I can connect the dots to how we got here, but you never would have been able to plan all that out to get to this point. So, yeah, we're former corporate employees nine to five. We met at the same company. We worked for the same company. That's where we met. And you know, during the pandemic, companies deciding what they were doing and everything was in turmoil, and our company was no different. And they decided that they were going to close the office that we were both working in and they wanted to relocate us further away from back out West, further away from all our family and friends, and and so they said, if you want to move back out West, you have a job, and if you don't, then you're gonna have to, you know, find other arrangements for yourself.

2:27 Kind of a bye bye, yeah kind. Of yeah, And so we really had a decision on our hands. And initially that was a really difficult decision for us because we were very much the grew up with the mentality of you know, you go to school, you get good grades, you graduate, you go to school again, you get good grades, and then you graduate, you get a good job, and you say for retirement, and you have the corporate job, you climb the ladder, all that good stuff, and so that's the that was the life plan that we were on, and it was a kick and stomach when that was almost like, I guess we were forced to make a decision whether we wanted to continue that further away and be unhappy, potentially unhappy, I guess we don't really we were already a little bit unfulfilled in our roles and so yeah, go ahead.

3:14 And so it's interesting because we were on that sort of default life plan that we'd learned growing up, and we were checking all those boxes right, like by all of society's milestones and measures, we were successful. But to Craig's point, you know, inside we weren't feeling super fulfilled in those corporate roles. And then when this opportunity came up. It was a very stressful decision. We didn't really know what we should do. And at that same time, my dad was diagnosed with cancer and it had spread, and we thought it was going to be his last Christmas. And so we drove home seventeen hours to be with my family for Christmas that year, and on that seventeen hour drive back to where we lived, we made the decision that we were not going to move west and move farther away from our family, because, you know, we were given that the gift of perspective with my dad's my dad's sickness, and that really helped us make the decision.

4:12 Like our parents weren't getting any younger, and his grandmother is certainly not getting any younger, and we moved out west, we're going to see a lot less of them, And so it really gave us the perspective we needed to make what was a very difficult decision. And I can remember we were walking around our neighborhood after we had decided, and we're both very plan oriented people, like we like to have a checklist and work our way through a plan when we're just trying to figure something out. And even though we didn't have a plan of what we were going to do next. It just felt like the right decision inside to leave the company, even though we didn't know what we were going to do. Even though it was very scary, there was something almost peaceful about the decision that it just felt like the right thing.

4:57 And interestingly enough, after we made that decision, my dad got to I guess, with the second cancer, which is actually good news, and he got treated for both of his cancers and for the next almost four years was very healthy. And so we got those four years with my dad because we moved home and he passed a couple of weeks ago, but it was a gift to get those last few years with him. So it's interesting when you look back how that all worked out for us. It's amazing sometimes how serendipitous life can be. And obviously we can attribute that to a higher power. Very much, very much. So yeah, yeah, it was interesting because it was one of the biggest lessons I took from that part of our journey was that intuition listening to your guy. Even though, like she said, we're very planful people. We like to have a we like to have our ducks in a row. Before we execute on something you know, and that's you know ingrained in us since we were kids, and fortified through our corporate world, our corporate jobs. But going through this journey, it really unearthed in me this power of my intuition and starting to listen to it more and trusting that if you follow what your if you follow your guy, you follow your happiness, everything else just starts to click into place.

6:17 It just starts to align for you. And so that was a really big lesson I. Took out as part of the journeyfication and what type of business were you in? I mean, you probably had different roles, but what were you doing where It sounds like you both had master's degrees or at least close to that, But what were you doing. We were working for an energy company and so I was working in the inclusion and diversity group within HR and he was working in health and safety. All right, So, how on earth did you get to where you are now? And what were the experiences and so forth that brought you to the point where you felt like you had the ability in the background to teach what you're teaching.

7:01 Well, we actually started, like we said, we had zero plan and so we started doing some research and it seemed like most people that were jumping into entrepreneurship at that time were jumping into real estate, and so we jumped into real estate investing, trying to replace our corporate income. So we started a business. We hired a business coach, we got a website, we did the marketing, you know, we invested a bunch of money to do all the things. And as we started trying to build that business, we realized that we were miserable, like absolutely hated what we were doing, and it was starting to bleed into our relationship, which had historically been very very strong.

7:42 Yeah, it was a strength that for me, our relationship has always been the rock, the foundation for everything else. Like it's always been a strength. And when we started this real estate investing company and we started becoming miserable and a little bit snippy with each other, and like there was a little bit of friction between us, which is not normally that that's when it was like, okay, time out, this is not good. This is this is a non starter for us. We have to have a conversation and what are we doing here? And we were really unhappy because like it wasn't fulfilling to us. It was similar to the corporate world we had just left, except we just weren't making the corporate salaries that we had just left behind, so it was even worse, really, and yeah, so we just said, you know, we had a hard discussion and said, look, this is not working for us. We needed we need to pivot. And what we realized was we didn't do the work at the front end when we left our corporate jobs to understand because we're embarking on this whole new life for ourselves, Yeah, what is it that we actually want? What are we going after? And who do we want to become in the process, Like, who do we want to be in this world? We didn't do that work at all, and so we just jumped in willy nilly into like chasing chasing income, which is never the right move. And what we realized was this is what needs to happen. So when we we we closed up shop, we put that company to bed. We called that money that we invested investment payment for a lesson learned, Yes, and we embarked on a journey of personal growth and understanding what it

9:13 is that we want this world to be for us. So what we want out of this world, who we want to be in this world, what we want to give back to this world. And so that was the journey we went on for the next I don't know what. For years, but we spent We closed that business and spent the next six weeks traveling around the southwestern US. We went to a couple of conferences, we went hiking in Zion National Park. You know, we just kind of gave ourselves permission to just be ourselves and decide who we want to be so we could figure out what we want to do. And it's a little wonder the first business fails since we had no idea what any of those answers were at that point. So it's of course in hindsight that business failed. We didn't know the kind of life we wanted to live, so how are we going to build a business to support that? And so we spent the next couple of years really trying not to focus the income, but trying to focus on us, who we were becoming, what we wanted our life to be like. And in that process, we were attending various conferences and retreats and seminars and things like that, and people kept coming up to us and asking like, hey, you're doing this together. It's very cool. You seem to have a very strong relationship. What's your secret, how do you do it? What do you do that makes you so connected? And so we would, you know, have those conversations because they were really fun for us. But it wasn't until at one of these events one of the people hosting the event said, I'd like you to speak on stage at my next event about relationships. And that's when we said, huh, maybe that we do have something to offer in this space more than just these ad

10:45 hot conversations all over the place. And it was. Almost a validation that we needed that we do have something valuable to offer. And because of that request, we had to sort of take a step back and almost codify how we do relationships. And that was the first step I would say, into this into this space. That we're now. Isn't it interesting that you know, we go through college for those that do or whatever it is that we're doing, and we get that degree and we're out there working and yeah, we can be successful at that, and yet what really comes out is those life experiences, and at some point in time, those life experiences help us to develop an entirely different.

11:30 Approach completely one percent, like one eighty degree difference. Yeah, So so now you're just really helping marriages. You're helping folks and marriages relationships to. Do what strengthen the relationships, reconnect, bring fun and joy back to their marriage so that they can build their dream life together. Because like it's our superpower. Like we've leveraged our relationship to build our dream life and we're still building it obviously, but it's when you have a relationship that is basically you're not spending all your time fixing problems, but you're just maintaining you're maintaining the relationship.

12:12 It requires so much less effort, which frees up all that energy to build your dream to focus on the things that matter in your life. And not only just do you have that energy, but you've got someone else with that energy, and it's exponential. So you've got an exponential force that's now building towards something greater. And it's just a really cool. It's a cheat code. It's a cheat code for life, and that's what we help people with. Yeah, and you have that, you have that quote in you on your website Thriving Marriage is the cheat code for leveling up every other area of your life. So here comes the question to my mind. You know, research is showing that marriages are diminishing. In other words, our younger generations are not getting married. They're they're preferring to be single. And that type of thing. Have you found and is your experience that literally marriage is a better situation to be in if in fact it's a healthy one.

13:12 And as you say, does a thriving marriage really level up every other area in your life versus just being single. Yes, that's my experience because I was single for a decade before I met him, and it's a complete transformation in how my life feels and what I'm working toward, and the support that I have to know that you've got someone on the same team, rowing in the same direction, like locked arms with you, walking walking up this mountain together. It just just the the peace of mind that you get that you're not in it by yourself. It's a game changer. It was a complete game changer for me.

13:55 Interesting. So, you know, another question that comes to my mind, and we always talk about, you know, here we are in this situation, how do we repair our marriages? What advice would you give our young people or even older people that are still single, that are thinking of getting married. What advice would you give them when they're developing that relationship to make sure that that marriage is going to be more on a positive note than potentially negative note, because there's so many people that rush into it, get married thinking that, Okay, here's who I'm marrying, and within a year's time or less, all of a sudden they married someone who was literally an impostor or they themselves were living in an impostor's life, and the other person realized that too. So do you ever work with single individuals who are thinking of getting married or getting into that relationship and what are some of the things that they really need to look for and do.

14:57 In terms of what they need to do? Yeah, for me, the number one is they need to be themselves. They need to not be who they think the other person wants them to be. And so one small example of this for us early on. It's funny, it's a simple thing, but to me it was a big aha moment that when we were getting to know each other, he was asking me do I like Star Wars? And in my experience, most guys seem to like Star Wars. Again, all the TV shows and movies make it seem like all the dudes love Star Wars. I'm not a giant Star Wars fan, so I wasn't sure how to answer the question. Do I say yes and just suffer through all the Star Wars movies with him, because you know that's what you do.

15:41 Or do I actually show up as who I am and he can decide if that's, you know, an important thing or not. And so I hesitated with how to answer that question, and then I decided to be brave and to be myself and answer it honestly and said, you know what, Star Wars is not really my jam and he's like, ah, maybe neither, which was not the answer I was expecting. But you know, had I not shown up as myself and given him a dishonest answer, you know, part of our very beginning foundation would have been built on not true to me, inauthenticity for me. And so that's just a very you know, small, minor example, but you can see how those things easily pile on when you're trying to be the you know, I really liked this guy. I wanted him to like me. So you want to be the person that he is going to be accepted. And I think that's also just human nature.

16:38 One of our deep intrinsic desires is to belong and sometimes we get a little confused in that, and we show up as who we think will be accepted and feel a sense of belonging. And when we do that, what we're actually doing is fitting in to a group or into a relationship. And when we fit in, the person who's receiving that love is actually not us, it is the person we're pretending to be. And so even if he were to love me as the Star Wars loving human, I'm not going to receive that love and I'm not going to feel worthy of that love because I know he's putting that love on someone who likes Star Wars is not actually on me. And so I think the most important thing to do when you're starting our relationship is to be yourself. And even as we progress through a longer term relationship have longer term marriage, usually the number one reason we find disconnect and distance in a marriage is we're not letting each other in, We're not being honest with each other, We're trying to protect the other from the stress and what's keeping you up at night. And you know, you think you're helping by not putting that stress on the other person, but the other person can feel that there's something going on and that you're not sharing it. So as humans, we're meaning making machines too. We make stories up. You're going to make up a story, but why I'm not sharing that And I'm doing it the goodness of my heart to try and protect you. But that's creating a distance between us. And so it's that willingness to be brave and be vulnerable and be uncomfortable and share the things

18:10 that you know. Maybe you're a bit worried that the other person isn't going to like in you, but showing up as your authentic self is literally the only way to build a strong relationship and be able to feel love from another human. Well, and you mentioned that you went through some personal development and you both decided to do that. What type of process was that for you? So it was really we didn't really have a plan for it. It was really just kind of a like a shotgun approach almost like we just we didn't really other than we knew that we needed to know what it was that we wanted our life to be like so we need to do some of that work. But one of the things we eventually discovered on this process was just going to conferences, reading books, listening to podcasts, and the things that resonated for us. We pull on that a little bit more. One of the things that really came up for me in particular was learning about myself, understanding who I am. And I think that would be my answer to your previous question would be not just be who you are, but actually do the work to understand who that person is and then stay true to that person, because I think staying true to that person is one thing, but if you don't know who that is, then that's really tough to do. So I think the first step is one step further beyond that is like do the inner work, do the personal growth, read the books, listen to the podcast, go to the personal growth events, and learn about who you are and what makes you you?

19:38 What are your values? What do you want to be seen in this How do you want to be seen in this world? Who do you want to become in this world? What do you want to give to this world? What is your gift? And what do you want to be known for and do all of those things, and understand that about yourself and then never let that go and it'll evolve and it'll grow as you grow, but never comprom those things about yourself. And so that was the journey that we. Went on, and in the spirit of full disclosure, we almost stumbled backwards into personal growth in the beginning because we went to a real estate conference that we thought was like just a regular run of the middle of real estate conference that really had a lot of personal growth to it. And then we were part of a real estate mastermind that had a lot of personal growth.

20:21 So we didn't in the beginning seek out the personal growth so much as seek out the real estate information. And with that came back the personal growth. And once we sort of got a taste for that, then to his point, we started pulling on those threads. It's really funny when you go on this journey of entrepreneurship and figuring out kind of a different way than maybe how you grew up to live your life. It's funny how things line up for you. We talked about like you can't connect the dots looking backwards or sorry, looking forwards, but you definitely can looking backwards, and personal growth and the amount of work required on yourself was something that I did not I did not understand that that was going to be the biggest part of this journey.

21:07 I thought it was going to be, Oh, you're just going to create a business and make some money and go on and do your thing. But your business and what you end up creating in this world is going to be limited as far as what you're able to as a person or able to do. And so you really need to work on yourself, get yourself to a higher level so that you can then bring all your business and everyone else around you to a higher level. Well, and you know, when you talk about personal growth, and again, as we talk about people that are in relationships right now, marriages, we talk about people who are considering it, how important is it that both parties are really open to and willing to go through that personal growth Because, as you say, this is not that I'm going to do this tomorrow and be done. I mean I've been doing this for years and years and years and years and still not even where I want to be.

21:59 And I look at that and I think, you know, what what happens if you're in a relationship where the other person isn't only to do that. It's huge because let's think about it for a second, Like, if you're growing and the other person isn't, you're literally growing apart. You're literally growing apart. If one person is becoming a different person, they're growing and becoming the best version of them, and the other person kind of stays where they're at. There's a distance that's growing between you. But if you both grow and become the people you're supposed to be, you grow together. And so I think it's I think it's critical in a relationship. And we've seen it in this entrepreneurial world as we've joined different masterminds in different groups and all our peers, and there's a very very big difference between the entrepreneurs that are going on this journey with their spouse and how they're growing and those that are doing it on their own and their spouse. Their spouse has no interest in that side of it, and the difference in the quality of the those relationships that we see firsthand.

23:02 Well, and you know, in your case, you kind of both have decided to do things together. I mean, that's kind of the impression I get, But what do you How do you help couples that are very individual, very independent. One person may really have a love for X y Z, whereas the other person really has a love for ABC. How do you help them to find that commonality and really develop that strength And obviously with the personal development, it may be that Okay, this is what I really love and know this is what I really love. How do you help. Them to get to the point where they are literally connecting in a way that still allows them each to maintain that individuality and accomplish the things that are important to them.

23:55 Yeah, I think it's a both, and I think for your relationship it's really important and that you feel, you feel fulfilled and you do the things that fill you up, fill your cop make you, you know, enjoy life. So if you love ABC and your partner loves x y Z, that's okay. You both need to go and do those things separately if the other you know, you can also bring the other one along or join the other one and what they do if that works. If it doesn't, that's okay. You need to do the things that you love to do, even if that's separately, and you need to find something that you can both enjoy doing together, because it's important that you both feel fulfilled and your cup is full and you have a strong sense of self and do the things that you love to do that's important for you as a person, so that you can bring the best version of you into your relationship.

24:41 And you also need to find that dedicated quality time together to do the things that you enjoy doing something together, some way to have fun and I feel a sense of adventure together And back to the personal growth. It's what, especially with entrepreneurs, when there's only one person you know in that entrepreneurial space and the other one is corporate, because that is the biggest difference I have found between the corporate existence and the entrepreneuri Your existence is my corporate success wasn't limited by my level of personal growth in development, but my entrepreneurial success is limited by my growth my level of personal growth in development. So if you've got one corporate and one entrepreneur, the corporate one is probably going to be less invested in the personal growth, but they still have to be open to it. They still have to be willing to come along and do the work. They don't have to be the driver of it, but they have to be open and willing otherwise, to Craig's point, you get that big distance.

25:34 So how does an individual and I think you know this is an important point, at least in my mind, you had talked a little bit about really being who you are, true to yourself, and if you're not that that energy kind of gets fed over to Craig and he's sensing and based on his perception, he's creating a story on that. How do you help people to understand that not only am I heading this direction and you're heading that direction, but how do you help them to understand that they are supportive and that literally, you know, if you two had different things you wanted to do, Craig was really supporting you. Although he was going his way, he was really supporting you and vice versa. And how important is that?

26:19 It's critical? Like you, when you join forces with someone, you're their teammate, but you're also their biggest cheerleader, and so there are times where you're going to be their teammate. You're joining forces. Like we do a lot of things together, we're on the same team. We do that, but sometimes we do we go on solo missions like life is a solo journey. For we're being honest, Like, you come into this world alone and likely are going to die alone. Like you are the one relationship you have from start to finish, and so you need to be you need to maintain that relationship and be okay with that relationship. And so when you go on that journey and you go and run a marathon by yourself because that's something you like to do but your partner does not want to do that, then your partner is there to cheer you on and say, hey, congratulations, how can I support you?

27:04 What can I do to help you? Like you know, it's just being the person there to help them achieve their goals. You don't necessarily have to run the race with do it with them, but maybe you clap and cheer them all when they cross the finish line. And you know what, at least in my experience, that is so essential that you're doing that personal development work so that you have the ability to be present and to recognize that, you know what, I'm going to support them because I love them. This is important to them. And in no way am I feeling jealous or you know, ignored or any of those things. You know, one of the interesting things that I've come across as I've interviewed so many people, as we get into you know, psychological things and all these type of things relationships, is there's always kind of that tendency to talk about what isn't working.

27:56 And to be fair with the professionals that have on to college that have those degrees that are in there doing marriage counseling or whatever counseling they're doing. Uh, there are those that are just so excellent and they figured it out. But there's also that situation where the traditional counseling, the traditional coaching doesn't work. And what has been your experience with that? And I know that you talk about five different categories where it's not working, so. Things like so we're talking broken trust and emotional disconnection, those sorts of things. It's I think it's critical that when I'll let you go, I'm gonna, I've got to I gotta get my thoughts together.

28:52 There's the there's the value of a marriage relationship. That's right, I'm gonna, I want to get my thoughts together, that's right. I think we're all shaped by our past, right, we all bring our experiences of the world the experiences that we've had every into our marriage, of course, but into every relationship that we're in, and we see the world through the lens of our experience. And one thing I've had to come to grips with is there is no objective reality. There is no one universal truth because every situation that everyone experiences is experience, is experienced through the lens of their life to this point, and so there's a lot of value in understanding what that experience has been for you and how it's shaping your life today.

29:39 There's less value in living in the past and re experiencing all of that. You need to understand how the past has shaped you today and how you can change those stories that you have. Because we all tell stories that we talked about before, or humans, we make up stories when we don't necessarily know the full hope of the facts, but especially as kids, because as kids we don't really understand life yet, and so when things happen to us as kids, we tell stories, and that story almost becomes truth in our brain, and we bring that truth into our marriage, and so everything we experience day to day we experienced through the filter of that story, of that truth that we have and so that's why, you know, I can get triggered by him not taking the garbage out because of my past experience of I don't have a good explanation for that one, but you know, we we can. Sometimes something can happen in the present that takes us back to a feeling we've had a long time ago, because it triggers that feeling in us, and it's important that we trace that and understand why we're feeling that so we can reprogram that story.

30:46 You know. Great example of this is we were hiking in Arizona and he was hustling down the mountain. He's a billy goat, He's very surefooted. On the mountain. I'm not quite so fast, and so he's kind of jogging down the mountain and I'm having a hard time keep and I'm getting really frustrated, really annoyed with him. And why won't he's turn around? Does he not know I'm not right there? Why won't he wait for me? And so I'm getting really annoyed, and so then I'm taking a deep breath, like logically, I know he's not going to run down the mountain, hop in the car or drive away and leave me here. Like, I know for a fact that won't happen. So why am I so upset with him in this moment? And I gave myself some quiet time to trace that feeling, and I had this sudden realization that I actually have a fear of abandonment very deep inside from my past experiences. So I'm seeing this situation today through the lens of my fear of abandonment. And now I'm angry with him that he's abandoning me on this mount and even though he's not.

31:47 And so then fast forward a few days, I have to share with him that I have this fear of abandonment, so that he knows that I have that, and going forward, we can, you know, work on that together. He can try to not abandon me and trigger that abandonment feeling on them, and I can try not to feel that trigger of abandonments. We both have an accountability there. The point of the story being he was not abandoning me on the mountain, but that's how I was feeling in that moment, because I was experiencing that situation through the lens of an old story. And so those old stories, those old experiences are valuable from the perspective of how are they shaping my experience with him today, and how can I change that story, that narrative in my head so that the next time we're going down a mountain, I don't feel abandoned by him, because that's my accountability.

32:31 And I feel like historically, a lot of marriage counseling spends a lot of time in the creation, in the situations that created those stories, where we don't spend as much time in the situations that created those stories as much as we do in the awareness of those stories, and then retelling reprogramming those stories so that going forward, I don't feel abandoned coming down the mountain. Yeah, And I think that's so true what you said. You know, it's a treaty. I meditate. I try to meditate every day, and I do a walking meditation for an hour. And one of the affirmations that I do while I'm there is I basically speak out loud to myself that those subconscious triggers in my mind and the subconscious in my soul no longer affect my emotions or my behavior. And it's interesting that you know, as you say, they're there, they exist, they come up, but to be able to get to the point of mindset and consciousness to where when they come up, you look at them and you go, Okay, that's really a past experience that is not necessarily reality here and now, and so you're able to put that aside.

33:46 And I love the fact, as you talk about, so many times people keep focusing so much on that pass rather than looking at the past, recognizing when those triggers are coming up and then ignizing that that's all they are, and that they do not have to affect our emotion and they don't have to affect our behavior exactly. Yeah, you don't want to live there. We don't want to live in the past. Happiness is in the now. We want to live in the now. We just want to go back to get to get through the issue and learn the lesson and take the good from it so that we can enjoy the past and build for the future. And that's what that's what coaching does. That Sometimes I think therapy maybe misses the mark on a little bit. It's more living in the past and dealing with that and judging up that a little bit more and sitting in it a little bit more than maybe you know that we would like to do so equipping.

34:36 Yeah, what are some of the key strategies that you use as you're working with couples. One of the key strategies one of my favorite. Two of my favorite strategies actually, they're both around communication, and the first one is what we call a connection conversation. It's it's basically the letting them in conversation. It's going back to what we talked about earlier. When we don't share what's keeping us up at night, what we're afraid of, what's stressing us out, what our dreams and our goals are. When we don't share that stuff with our partner, they start to make up stories and then those stories get triggered. And so when you get on a regular basis, we like to do this weekly. When you can weekly have that conversation kind of at the end of a week, download what was good about this week? Where did I struggle this week? What's keeping me up at night? What am I afraid of, and really let your partner in on what's going on in your head. Then you can start the next week sort of really aligned and on the same page and not feel like you're got a distance growing between you, but you feel really aligned at the end of every week and to start the next week.

35:40 So that's fake my favorite connection building tool. And then from a connection sort of maintaining perspective, I love the check in question. So every night, as we're kind of laying our heads down to go to bed, we'll usually ask a very specific question. This doesn't work if you say how is your day? Because how is your day is going to probably get you a fine like a very generic answer, or it's going to get you a complete debrief download on the entire every single detail of every single event of the whole day. When you ask a really specific question of like what was the best part of your day today, or what was your favorite lesson you learned today, or you know, something really specific, you'll get a really specific answer that you will actually learn something about your partner. And especially when you've been together a long time, it feels like sometimes you don't always learn new things about your partner all the time.

36:31 But if you can ask really good questions, you're going to learn. It's going to, you know, bring more color to the context of your partner, and it's going to keep you feeling connected. Because when you approach that check in question with a genuine curiosity. Your partner feels like you actually care and want to be a part of their day, so they're feeling validated and you're learning about them. So you're building a tighter and tighter connection by doing this daily check in. And I think another strategy is going back to what we tell talked about when we left our corporate job and not knowing who we were. So one of the strategies is and the relationship you have with yourself is first and foremost the most important relationship you're going to have in life. You have to get that right because the love that you are able to give is limited by the love you have for yourself. So it's really working on and let's be honest, there's a worthiness epidemic in the world, like most people do not feel worthy of the things that they want in this life. And so one of the strategies is really working on making sure that we change the narrative, the stories, the things that that little voice in our head comes up and tells us we're not good enough. We need to address that voice. We need to name that voice, and we need to disassociate from that voice and make and understand that we're not that voice, we're not those thoughts, and that we are worthy of all those things that we want in life. And there's a very you know, specific exercises we do to make sure that we, you know, start to address that voice and put that voice in

38:03 the passenger seat so that we can drive and get to the destination that we actually ultimately want to end up. Because when you don't worthy of love, when you don't feel worthy of that relationship, you're going to sabotage in anyway. So the all the communication tools in the world aren't going to help if you're actually sabotaging your own self. And isn't it interesting how we don't feel worthy, there's that whole sense of I'm not good and so forth. In fact, it's interesting. I was before we got on this podcast. I was working with an individual who has a couple of young children and has an eight ten year old son who was asking a number of questions about religion, and he went to his English teacher because I'm in Thailand, right, and so he went to his English teacher and was asking some things, and the teacher turned around and basically said to him, you're evil, you were born in sin and boom boom boom, And so you know, another is actually texting me and saying what.

39:01 Do I do? And I thought about that. I thought, you know, how often society, religion, philosophies teach us that we're not good? And yet how do we help people? I mean, I know how I do it, but how do we help people to understand that, you know what you are not only just good, but basically you are really good. You have that internal eternal light within you that you just need to recognize is there and start to take away all of those other things that are impinging on that and starting to remove them away. So you come to that realization and Craig, as you said, you know, learning to really love yourself.

39:44 Yeah, it's all about changing that narrative because to your point, we learned it in school. Like schools are set up that we're in a competition and we're marked with red ink can we get the F and we're not good enough where? And I remember going home with a test ninety five percent on that test, I got a ninety five percent. That's pretty good, and I take it home and out of the goodness of their heart, they're great parents. But my parents would be like but what happened to the other five percent. And so even from that point, like I got a ninety five percent, I got a really great grade on that test, but the message I took was it wasn't good enough. I'd be perfect and so and if they have the best of intentions, it was coming from a place of love. It was them just telling me that I was I was capable, and that they were proud of me, and that they knew that I was. I was capable to take on the world and get one hundred percent on this test. But that wasn't how the message landed. And I think that's what a lot of people get as they grow up, is that message that they're not good enough. Whether it's a test, or religion or schools or wherever, you know, sports, it's it's about changing that narrative. And we have to just be consistent about it because it's it's been ingrained in us for me forty years and for others, you know, fifty sixty, seventy years, twenty years, it depends on how old, but chances are it's really deeply ingrained in you. And so it's gonna take consistent daily action of really going in and doing that mindfulness and meditating and sitting with those thoughts and really getting curious with them, not judging them,

41:17 but just getting curious with them and saying, Okay, why do I feel this way? And asking yourself some really interesting, curious questions, and then changing that narrative, changing that story and being consistent with it, and finding finding stories and things that you can tell yourself that are actually believable, and reminding yourself of all your greatness, reminding yourself of the home run you hit in Little league to win the win the championship, reminding yourself of the spelling bee that you won, reminding yourself of that time that you came to that kid's defense when the bully was picking on them, reminding yourself of how you've been a good person throughout your life and doing all these amazing things. That's what it's all about, is being consistent about rewriting that narrative of how you are in this world.

42:06 Oh amen to that. And you know what amazes me is time goes by so fast, and I think we could go on for another couple of hours easily, but my manager won't let me do that. So there you go. So as we close, I have a final question that I'd love for you to share with the audience, and that is, what's the number one thing someone can do right now to improve their relationship. Take one hundred percent accountability for your relationship, whatever it is. If it's your marriage, if it's your business partner, your colleague, your girlfriend, your mother, or your sister, whoever it is, take one hundred percent responsibility for the state of that relationship. Because we grew up believing a good marriage is fifty to fifty and any good relationship is fifty to fifty.

42:51 Fifty to fifty introduces a gray area whose job is that who apologizes first. If each of you take one hundred percent responsibility for the state of your marriage, you don't keep score, you don't feel defensive, you don't feel attacked. It creates a two hundred percent marriage where you're each taking that one hundred percent responsibility and you feel like teammates again. Yeah, I love it. I love it. Hey, thank you so much for being on the show. And like I say, there's so much we haven't even gotten into. I'd love to have you on the show again if you decide you'd like to do that, ladly, But meanwhile, I really appreciate your comments, what you've shared, and it's not easy always to share those type of things and to be transparent, so I appreciate that too. And most importantly, you're making a difference. I am convinced in the lives of many people, and I think that's what's important.

43:43 Thank you very much. It's a pleasure to be here. Absolute joy. Thank you so much. Well, thank you and folks, thanks for listening. Hope you enjoyed it. Look forward to having you join us again soon. This is doctor Dex saying no mistay At his days Ris Year