Jan. 13, 2025

A Thriving Marriage: Information vs Transformation

A Thriving Marriage: Information vs Transformation

Merideth and Craig Bennett are a couple that have made it their mission to help other couples to achieve a great and thriving marriage. As they say: A thriving marriage is the cheat code for leveling up every other area of your life.
They will share...

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Merideth and Craig Bennett are a couple that have made it their mission to help other couples to achieve a great and thriving marriage. As they say: A thriving marriage is the cheat code for leveling up every other area of your life.
They will share key strategies to achieve, and repair if necessary, your marriage.
www.roadoflifecoaching.com

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This program is designed to provide general information with regards

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to the subject matters covered. This information is given with

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the understanding that neither the hosts, guests, sponsors, or station

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are engaged in rendering any specific and personal medical, financial,

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legal counseling, professional service, or any advice. You should seek

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the services of competent professionals before applying or trying any

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suggested ideas.

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At the end of the day, it's not about what

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you have or even what you've accomplished. It's about what

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you've done with those accomplishments. It's about who you've lifted up,

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who you've made better. It's about what you've given back.

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Thanzel Washington, Welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is

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to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you to.

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Do the same.

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Meredith and Craig Bennett, Hey, welcome to the show.

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Thank you so happy to be here.

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Yeah, I'm excited about this and as I have so

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often shared with other folks, I don't like doing a

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formal introduction because I think it's more important for you

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to share your story with the audience and definitely less boring,

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So if you don't mind, I love for you to

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kind of share your story and how on earth did

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you get to this point of doing what you're doing.

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It's a great question. It's an interesting story.

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Yeah, it's funny too, because we talk all the time

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about we're going to tell the story here in a second.

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But had we planned this story ahead of time, it

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never would have ever turned out this way. But when

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you look back, you're like, oh, I can connect the

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dots to how we got here, but you never would

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have been able to plan all that out to get

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to this point. So, yeah, we're former corporate employees nine

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to five. We met at the same company. We worked

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for the same company. That's where we met. And you know,

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during the pandemic, companies deciding what they were doing and

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everything was in turmoil, and our company was no different.

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And they decided that they were going to close the

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office that we were both working in and they wanted

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to relocate us further away from back out West, further

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away from all our family and friends, and and so

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they said, if you want to move back out West,

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you have a job, and if you don't, then you're

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gonna have to, you know, find other arrangements for yourself.

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Kind of a bye bye, yeah kind.

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Of yeah, And so we really had a decision on

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our hands. And initially that was a really difficult decision

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for us because we were very much the grew up

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with the mentality of you know, you go to school,

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you get good grades, you graduate, you go to school again,

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you get good grades, and then you graduate, you get

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a good job, and you say for retirement, and you

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have the corporate job, you climb the ladder, all that

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good stuff, and so that's the that was the life

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plan that we were on, and it was a kick

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and stomach when that was almost like, I guess we

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were forced to make a decision whether we wanted to

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continue that further away and be unhappy, potentially unhappy, I

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guess we don't really we were already a little bit

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unfulfilled in our roles and so yeah, go ahead.

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And so it's interesting because we were on that sort

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of default life plan that we'd learned growing up, and

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we were checking all those boxes right, like by all

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of society's milestones and measures, we were successful. But to

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Craig's point, you know, inside we weren't feeling super fulfilled

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in those corporate roles. And then when this opportunity came up.

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It was a very stressful decision. We didn't really know

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what we should do. And at that same time, my

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dad was diagnosed with cancer and it had spread, and

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we thought it was going to be his last Christmas.

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And so we drove home seventeen hours to be with

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my family for Christmas that year, and on that seventeen

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hour drive back to where we lived, we made the

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decision that we were not going to move west and

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move farther away from our family, because, you know, we

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were given that the gift of perspective with my dad's

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my dad's sickness, and that really helped us make the decision.

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Like our parents weren't getting any younger, and his grandmother

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is certainly not getting any younger, and we moved out west,

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we're going to see a lot less of them, And

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so it really gave us the perspective we needed to

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make what was a very difficult decision. And I can

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remember we were walking around our neighborhood after we had decided,

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and we're both very plan oriented people, like we like

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to have a checklist and work our way through a

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plan when we're just trying to figure something out. And

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even though we didn't have a plan of what we

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were going to do next. It just felt like the

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right decision inside to leave the company, even though we

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didn't know what we were going to do. Even though

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it was very scary, there was something almost peaceful about

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the decision that it just felt like the right thing.

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And interestingly enough, after we made that decision, my dad

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got to I guess, with the second cancer, which is

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actually good news, and he got treated for both of

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his cancers and for the next almost four years was

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very healthy. And so we got those four years with

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my dad because we moved home and he passed a

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couple of weeks ago, but it was a gift to

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get those last few years with him. So it's interesting

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when you look back how that all worked out for us.

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It's amazing sometimes how serendipitous life can be. And obviously

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we can attribute that to a higher power.

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Very much, very much. So yeah, yeah, it was interesting

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because it was one of the biggest lessons I took

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from that part of our journey was that intuition listening

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to your guy. Even though, like she said, we're very

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planful people. We like to have a we like to

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have our ducks in a row. Before we execute on

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something you know, and that's you know ingrained in us

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since we were kids, and fortified through our corporate world,

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our corporate jobs. But going through this journey, it really

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unearthed in me this power of my intuition and starting

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to listen to it more and trusting that if you

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follow what your if you follow your guy, you follow

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your happiness, everything else just starts to click into place.

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It just starts to align for you. And so that

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was a really big lesson I.

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Took out as part of the journeyfication and what type

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of business were you in? I mean, you probably had

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different roles, but what were you doing where It sounds

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like you both had master's degrees or at least close

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to that, But what were you doing.

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We were working for an energy company and so I

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was working in the inclusion and diversity group within HR

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and he was working in health and safety.

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All right, So, how on earth did you get to

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where you are now? And what were the experiences and

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so forth that brought you to the point where you

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felt like you had the ability in the background to

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teach what you're teaching.

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Well, we actually started, like we said, we had zero

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plan and so we started doing some research and it

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seemed like most people that were jumping into entrepreneurship at

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that time were jumping into real estate, and so we

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jumped into real estate investing, trying to replace our corporate income.

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So we started a business. We hired a business coach,

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we got a website, we did the marketing, you know,

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we invested a bunch of money to do all the things.

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And as we started trying to build that business, we

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realized that we were miserable, like absolutely hated what we

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were doing, and it was starting to bleed into our relationship,

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which had historically been very very strong.

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Yeah, it was a strength that for me, our relationship

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has always been the rock, the foundation for everything else.

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Like it's always been a strength. And when we started

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this real estate investing company and we started becoming miserable

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and a little bit snippy with each other, and like

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there was a little bit of friction between us, which

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is not normally that that's when it was like, okay,

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time out, this is not good. This is this is

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a non starter for us. We have to have a

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conversation and what are we doing here? And we were

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really unhappy because like it wasn't fulfilling to us. It

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was similar to the corporate world we had just left,

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except we just weren't making the corporate salaries that we

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had just left behind, so it was even worse, really,

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and yeah, so we just said, you know, we had

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a hard discussion and said, look, this is not working

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for us. We needed we need to pivot. And what

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we realized was we didn't do the work at the

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front end when we left our corporate jobs to understand

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because we're embarking on this whole new life for ourselves, Yeah,

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what is it that we actually want? What are we

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going after? And who do we want to become in

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the process, Like, who do we want to be in

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this world? We didn't do that work at all, and

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so we just jumped in willy nilly into like chasing

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chasing income, which is never the right move. And what

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we realized was this is what needs to happen. So

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when we we we closed up shop, we put that

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company to bed. We called that money that we invested

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investment payment for a lesson learned, Yes, and we embarked

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on a journey of personal growth and understanding what it

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is that we want this world to be for us.

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So what we want out of this world, who we

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want to be in this world, what we want to

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give back to this world. And so that was the

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journey we went on for the next I don't know what.

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For years, but we spent We closed that business and

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spent the next six weeks traveling around the southwestern US.

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We went to a couple of conferences, we went hiking

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in Zion National Park. You know, we just kind of

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gave ourselves permission to just be ourselves and decide who

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we want to be so we could figure out what

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we want to do. And it's a little wonder the

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first business fails since we had no idea what any

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of those answers were at that point. So it's of

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course in hindsight that business failed. We didn't know the

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kind of life we wanted to live, so how are

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we going to build a business to support that? And

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so we spent the next couple of years really trying

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not to focus the income, but trying to focus on us,

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who we were becoming, what we wanted our life to

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be like. And in that process, we were attending various

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conferences and retreats and seminars and things like that, and

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people kept coming up to us and asking like, hey,

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you're doing this together. It's very cool. You seem to

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have a very strong relationship. What's your secret, how do

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you do it? What do you do that makes you

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so connected? And so we would, you know, have those

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conversations because they were really fun for us. But it

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wasn't until at one of these events one of the

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people hosting the event said, I'd like you to speak

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on stage at my next event about relationships. And that's

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when we said, huh, maybe that we do have something

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to offer in this space more than just these ad

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hot conversations all over the place.

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And it was.

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Almost a validation that we needed that we do have

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something valuable to offer. And because of that request, we

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had to sort of take a step back and almost

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codify how we do relationships. And that was the first

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step I would say, into this into this space.

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That we're now.

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Isn't it interesting that you know, we go through college

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for those that do or whatever it is that we're doing,

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and we get that degree and we're out there working

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and yeah, we can be successful at that, and yet

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what really comes out is those life experiences, and at

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some point in time, those life experiences help us to

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develop an entirely different.

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Approach completely one percent, like one eighty degree difference.

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Yeah, So so now you're just really helping marriages. You're

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helping folks and marriages relationships to.

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Do what strengthen the relationships, reconnect, bring fun and joy

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back to their marriage so that they can build their

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dream life together. Because like it's our superpower. Like we've

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leveraged our relationship to build our dream life and we're

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still building it obviously, but it's when you have a

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relationship that is basically you're not spending all your time

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fixing problems, but you're just maintaining you're maintaining the relationship.

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It requires so much less effort, which frees up all

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that energy to build your dream to focus on the

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things that matter in your life. And not only just

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do you have that energy, but you've got someone else

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with that energy, and it's exponential. So you've got an

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exponential force that's now building towards something greater. And it's

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just a really cool.

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It's a cheat code.

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It's a cheat code for life, and that's what we

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help people with.

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Yeah, and you have that, you have that quote in

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you on your website Thriving Marriage is the cheat code

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for leveling up every other area of your life. So

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here comes the question to my mind. You know, research

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is showing that marriages are diminishing. In other words, our

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younger generations are not getting married. They're they're preferring to

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be single. And that type of thing. Have you found

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and is your experience that literally marriage is a better

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situation to be in if in fact it's a healthy one.

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And as you say, does a thriving marriage really level

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up every other area in your life versus just being single.

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Yes, that's my experience because I was single for a

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decade before I met him, and it's a complete transformation

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in how my life feels and what I'm working toward,

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and the support that I have to know that you've

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got someone on the same team, rowing in the same direction,

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like locked arms with you, walking walking up this mountain together.

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It just just the the peace of mind that you

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get that you're not in it by yourself. It's a

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game changer. It was a complete game changer for me.

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Interesting. So, you know, another question that comes to my mind,

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and we always talk about, you know, here we are

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in this situation, how do we repair our marriages? What

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advice would you give our young people or even older

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people that are still single, that are thinking of getting married.

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What advice would you give them when they're developing that

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relationship to make sure that that marriage is going to

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be more on a positive note than potentially negative note,

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because there's so many people that rush into it, get

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married thinking that, Okay, here's who I'm marrying, and within

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a year's time or less, all of a sudden they

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married someone who was literally an impostor or they themselves

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were living in an impostor's life, and the other person

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realized that too. So do you ever work with single

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individuals who are thinking of getting married or getting into

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that relationship and what are some of the things that

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they really need to look for and do.

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In terms of what they need to do? Yeah, for me,

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the number one is they need to be themselves. They

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need to not be who they think the other person

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wants them to be. And so one small example of

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this for us early on. It's funny, it's a simple thing,

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but to me it was a big aha moment that

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when we were getting to know each other, he was

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asking me do I like Star Wars? And in my experience,

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most guys seem to like Star Wars. Again, all the

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TV shows and movies make it seem like all the

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dudes love Star Wars. I'm not a giant Star Wars fan,

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so I wasn't sure how to answer the question. Do

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I say yes and just suffer through all the Star

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Wars movies with him, because you know that's what you do.

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Or do I actually show up as who I am

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and he can decide if that's, you know, an important

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thing or not. And so I hesitated with how to

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answer that question, and then I decided to be brave

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and to be myself and answer it honestly and said,

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you know what, Star Wars is not really my jam

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and he's like, ah, maybe neither, which was not the

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answer I was expecting. But you know, had I not

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shown up as myself and given him a dishonest answer,

302
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you know, part of our very beginning foundation would have

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been built on not true to me, inauthenticity for me.

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And so that's just a very you know, small, minor example,

305
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but you can see how those things easily pile on

306
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when you're trying to be the you know, I really

307
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liked this guy. I wanted him to like me. So

308
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you want to be the person that he is going

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to be accepted. And I think that's also just human nature.

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One of our deep intrinsic desires is to belong and

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sometimes we get a little confused in that, and we

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show up as who we think will be accepted and

313
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feel a sense of belonging. And when we do that,

314
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what we're actually doing is fitting in to a group

315
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or into a relationship. And when we fit in, the

316
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person who's receiving that love is actually not us, it

317
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is the person we're pretending to be. And so even

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if he were to love me as the Star Wars

319
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loving human, I'm not going to receive that love and

320
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I'm not going to feel worthy of that love because

321
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I know he's putting that love on someone who likes

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Star Wars is not actually on me. And so I

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think the most important thing to do when you're starting

324
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our relationship is to be yourself. And even as we

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progress through a longer term relationship have longer term marriage,

326
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usually the number one reason we find disconnect and distance

327
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in a marriage is we're not letting each other in,

328
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We're not being honest with each other, We're trying to

329
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protect the other from the stress and what's keeping you

330
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up at night. And you know, you think you're helping

331
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by not putting that stress on the other person, but

332
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the other person can feel that there's something going on

333
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and that you're not sharing it. So as humans, we're

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meaning making machines too. We make stories up. You're going

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to make up a story, but why I'm not sharing

336
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that And I'm doing it the goodness of my heart

337
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to try and protect you. But that's creating a distance

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between us. And so it's that willingness to be brave

339
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and be vulnerable and be uncomfortable and share the things

340
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that you know. Maybe you're a bit worried that the

341
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other person isn't going to like in you, but showing

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up as your authentic self is literally the only way

343
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to build a strong relationship and be able to feel

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love from another human.

345
00:18:23.839 --> 00:18:26.200
Well, and you mentioned that you went through some personal

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development and you both decided to do that. What type

347
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of process was that for you?

348
00:18:33.960 --> 00:18:37.839
So it was really we didn't really have a plan

349
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for it. It was really just kind of a like

350
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a shotgun approach almost like we just we didn't really

351
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other than we knew that we needed to know what

352
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it was that we wanted our life to be like

353
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so we need to do some of that work. But

354
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one of the things we eventually discovered on this process

355
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was just going to conferences, reading books, listening to podcasts,

356
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and the things that resonated for us. We pull on

357
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that a little bit more. One of the things that

358
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really came up for me in particular was learning about myself,

359
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understanding who I am. And I think that would be

360
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my answer to your previous question would be not just

361
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be who you are, but actually do the work to

362
00:19:15.000 --> 00:19:18.599
understand who that person is and then stay true to

363
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that person, because I think staying true to that person

364
00:19:21.279 --> 00:19:23.200
is one thing, but if you don't know who that is,

365
00:19:23.839 --> 00:19:25.839
then that's really tough to do. So I think the

366
00:19:25.880 --> 00:19:28.279
first step is one step further beyond that is like

367
00:19:29.079 --> 00:19:32.680
do the inner work, do the personal growth, read the books,

368
00:19:32.720 --> 00:19:35.039
listen to the podcast, go to the personal growth events,

369
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and learn about who you are and what makes you you?

370
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What are your values? What do you want to be

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seen in this How do you want to be seen

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in this world? Who do you want to become in

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this world? What do you want to give to this world?

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What is your gift? And what do you want to

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be known for and do all of those things, and

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understand that about yourself and then never let that go

377
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and it'll evolve and it'll grow as you grow, but

378
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never comprom those things about yourself. And so that was

379
00:20:03.160 --> 00:20:04.039
the journey that we.

380
00:20:03.960 --> 00:20:06.720
Went on, and in the spirit of full disclosure, we

381
00:20:06.799 --> 00:20:09.880
almost stumbled backwards into personal growth in the beginning because

382
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we went to a real estate conference that we thought

383
00:20:12.440 --> 00:20:14.160
was like just a regular run of the middle of

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real estate conference that really had a lot of personal

385
00:20:17.359 --> 00:20:18.759
growth to it. And then we were part of a

386
00:20:18.839 --> 00:20:21.400
real estate mastermind that had a lot of personal growth.

387
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So we didn't in the beginning seek out the personal

388
00:20:24.559 --> 00:20:27.240
growth so much as seek out the real estate information.

389
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And with that came back the personal growth. And once

390
00:20:30.680 --> 00:20:33.440
we sort of got a taste for that, then to

391
00:20:33.519 --> 00:20:35.359
his point, we started pulling on those threads.

392
00:20:35.480 --> 00:20:38.160
It's really funny when you go on this journey of

393
00:20:38.359 --> 00:20:42.160
entrepreneurship and figuring out kind of a different way than

394
00:20:42.160 --> 00:20:44.880
maybe how you grew up to live your life. It's

395
00:20:44.960 --> 00:20:47.759
funny how things line up for you. We talked about

396
00:20:47.799 --> 00:20:50.519
like you can't connect the dots looking backwards or sorry,

397
00:20:50.519 --> 00:20:53.880
looking forwards, but you definitely can looking backwards, and personal

398
00:20:53.920 --> 00:20:58.480
growth and the amount of work required on yourself was

399
00:20:58.519 --> 00:21:03.039
something that I did not I did not understand that

400
00:21:03.039 --> 00:21:07.319
that was going to be the biggest part of this journey.

401
00:21:07.680 --> 00:21:09.200
I thought it was going to be, Oh, you're just

402
00:21:09.200 --> 00:21:10.759
going to create a business and make some money and

403
00:21:10.839 --> 00:21:13.599
go on and do your thing. But your business and

404
00:21:13.640 --> 00:21:16.640
what you end up creating in this world is going

405
00:21:16.680 --> 00:21:18.920
to be limited as far as what you're able to

406
00:21:19.880 --> 00:21:21.799
as a person or able to do. And so you

407
00:21:21.920 --> 00:21:24.559
really need to work on yourself, get yourself to a

408
00:21:24.640 --> 00:21:26.799
higher level so that you can then bring all your

409
00:21:26.799 --> 00:21:29.279
business and everyone else around you to a higher level.

410
00:21:29.839 --> 00:21:32.759
Well, and you know, when you talk about personal growth,

411
00:21:32.799 --> 00:21:35.359
and again, as we talk about people that are in

412
00:21:35.400 --> 00:21:38.759
relationships right now, marriages, we talk about people who are

413
00:21:38.799 --> 00:21:45.240
considering it, how important is it that both parties are

414
00:21:45.319 --> 00:21:49.279
really open to and willing to go through that personal

415
00:21:49.279 --> 00:21:51.440
growth Because, as you say, this is not that I'm

416
00:21:51.440 --> 00:21:53.599
going to do this tomorrow and be done. I mean

417
00:21:53.640 --> 00:21:56.640
I've been doing this for years and years and years

418
00:21:56.680 --> 00:21:59.000
and years and still not even where I want to be.

419
00:21:59.480 --> 00:22:01.480
And I look at that and I think, you know,

420
00:22:01.519 --> 00:22:04.519
what what happens if you're in a relationship where the

421
00:22:04.559 --> 00:22:06.160
other person isn't only to do that.

422
00:22:06.880 --> 00:22:10.920
It's huge because let's think about it for a second, Like,

423
00:22:10.960 --> 00:22:14.319
if you're growing and the other person isn't, you're literally

424
00:22:14.319 --> 00:22:18.079
growing apart. You're literally growing apart. If one person is

425
00:22:18.119 --> 00:22:20.680
becoming a different person, they're growing and becoming the best

426
00:22:20.759 --> 00:22:23.160
version of them, and the other person kind of stays

427
00:22:23.160 --> 00:22:26.000
where they're at. There's a distance that's growing between you.

428
00:22:26.079 --> 00:22:28.480
But if you both grow and become the people you're

429
00:22:28.480 --> 00:22:31.839
supposed to be, you grow together. And so I think

430
00:22:31.920 --> 00:22:35.880
it's I think it's critical in a relationship. And we've

431
00:22:35.880 --> 00:22:38.440
seen it in this entrepreneurial world as we've joined different

432
00:22:38.519 --> 00:22:41.799
masterminds in different groups and all our peers, and there's

433
00:22:41.839 --> 00:22:47.440
a very very big difference between the entrepreneurs that are

434
00:22:47.440 --> 00:22:50.759
going on this journey with their spouse and how they're

435
00:22:50.799 --> 00:22:53.799
growing and those that are doing it on their own

436
00:22:53.799 --> 00:22:56.799
and their spouse. Their spouse has no interest in that

437
00:22:56.960 --> 00:22:59.799
side of it, and the difference in the quality of

438
00:22:59.839 --> 00:23:02.000
the those relationships that we see firsthand.

439
00:23:02.640 --> 00:23:05.079
Well, and you know, in your case, you kind of

440
00:23:05.119 --> 00:23:07.960
both have decided to do things together. I mean, that's

441
00:23:08.079 --> 00:23:10.920
kind of the impression I get, But what do you

442
00:23:11.519 --> 00:23:17.039
How do you help couples that are very individual, very independent.

443
00:23:17.640 --> 00:23:21.559
One person may really have a love for X y Z,

444
00:23:22.359 --> 00:23:25.240
whereas the other person really has a love for ABC.

445
00:23:26.039 --> 00:23:30.920
How do you help them to find that commonality and

446
00:23:31.039 --> 00:23:35.599
really develop that strength And obviously with the personal development,

447
00:23:35.799 --> 00:23:37.920
it may be that Okay, this is what I really

448
00:23:37.960 --> 00:23:40.200
love and know this is what I really love.

449
00:23:40.480 --> 00:23:41.319
How do you help.

450
00:23:41.160 --> 00:23:44.359
Them to get to the point where they are literally

451
00:23:45.519 --> 00:23:49.559
connecting in a way that still allows them each to

452
00:23:49.599 --> 00:23:53.960
maintain that individuality and accomplish the things that are important

453
00:23:54.000 --> 00:23:55.240
to them.

454
00:23:55.519 --> 00:23:57.880
Yeah, I think it's a both, and I think for

455
00:23:57.960 --> 00:24:02.319
your relationship it's really important and that you feel, you

456
00:24:02.480 --> 00:24:05.599
feel fulfilled and you do the things that fill you up,

457
00:24:05.599 --> 00:24:08.240
fill your cop make you, you know, enjoy life. So

458
00:24:08.319 --> 00:24:10.880
if you love ABC and your partner loves x y Z,

459
00:24:11.119 --> 00:24:13.359
that's okay. You both need to go and do those

460
00:24:13.359 --> 00:24:16.880
things separately if the other you know, you can also

461
00:24:16.960 --> 00:24:19.039
bring the other one along or join the other one

462
00:24:19.119 --> 00:24:21.960
and what they do if that works. If it doesn't,

463
00:24:22.000 --> 00:24:24.200
that's okay. You need to do the things that you

464
00:24:24.279 --> 00:24:27.960
love to do, even if that's separately, and you need

465
00:24:28.039 --> 00:24:30.240
to find something that you can both enjoy doing together,

466
00:24:30.480 --> 00:24:33.319
because it's important that you both feel fulfilled and your

467
00:24:33.319 --> 00:24:35.079
cup is full and you have a strong sense of

468
00:24:35.119 --> 00:24:36.599
self and do the things that you love to do

469
00:24:36.640 --> 00:24:38.519
that's important for you as a person, so that you

470
00:24:38.519 --> 00:24:41.079
can bring the best version of you into your relationship.

471
00:24:41.759 --> 00:24:44.799
And you also need to find that dedicated quality time

472
00:24:44.839 --> 00:24:48.079
together to do the things that you enjoy doing something together,

473
00:24:48.240 --> 00:24:50.920
some way to have fun and I feel a sense

474
00:24:50.960 --> 00:24:57.359
of adventure together And back to the personal growth. It's what,

475
00:24:57.519 --> 00:25:00.440
especially with entrepreneurs, when there's only one person you know

476
00:25:00.559 --> 00:25:02.599
in that entrepreneurial space and the other one is corporate,

477
00:25:02.640 --> 00:25:05.519
because that is the biggest difference I have found between

478
00:25:05.559 --> 00:25:08.599
the corporate existence and the entrepreneuri Your existence is my

479
00:25:08.720 --> 00:25:11.960
corporate success wasn't limited by my level of personal growth

480
00:25:11.960 --> 00:25:15.119
in development, but my entrepreneurial success is limited by my

481
00:25:15.160 --> 00:25:17.319
growth my level of personal growth in development. So if

482
00:25:17.359 --> 00:25:20.200
you've got one corporate and one entrepreneur, the corporate one

483
00:25:20.240 --> 00:25:22.559
is probably going to be less invested in the personal growth,

484
00:25:22.599 --> 00:25:25.000
but they still have to be open to it. They

485
00:25:25.039 --> 00:25:27.200
still have to be willing to come along and do

486
00:25:27.240 --> 00:25:29.640
the work. They don't have to be the driver of it,

487
00:25:29.680 --> 00:25:32.319
but they have to be open and willing otherwise, to

488
00:25:32.319 --> 00:25:33.960
Craig's point, you get that big distance.

489
00:25:34.319 --> 00:25:36.720
So how does an individual and I think you know

490
00:25:36.759 --> 00:25:38.480
this is an important point, at least in my mind,

491
00:25:38.559 --> 00:25:41.400
you had talked a little bit about really being who

492
00:25:41.480 --> 00:25:44.079
you are, true to yourself, and if you're not that

493
00:25:44.160 --> 00:25:47.720
that energy kind of gets fed over to Craig and

494
00:25:48.279 --> 00:25:51.359
he's sensing and based on his perception, he's creating a

495
00:25:51.400 --> 00:25:55.960
story on that. How do you help people to understand

496
00:25:56.119 --> 00:25:58.920
that not only am I heading this direction and you're

497
00:25:59.000 --> 00:26:02.279
heading that direction, but how do you help them to

498
00:26:02.400 --> 00:26:07.839
understand that they are supportive and that literally, you know,

499
00:26:08.519 --> 00:26:10.720
if you two had different things you wanted to do,

500
00:26:10.839 --> 00:26:14.039
Craig was really supporting you. Although he was going his way,

501
00:26:14.119 --> 00:26:17.559
he was really supporting you and vice versa. And how

502
00:26:17.559 --> 00:26:18.400
important is that?

503
00:26:19.839 --> 00:26:23.480
It's critical? Like you, when you join forces with someone,

504
00:26:23.599 --> 00:26:26.519
you're their teammate, but you're also their biggest cheerleader, and

505
00:26:26.599 --> 00:26:28.559
so there are times where you're going to be their teammate.

506
00:26:28.640 --> 00:26:30.759
You're joining forces. Like we do a lot of things together,

507
00:26:30.799 --> 00:26:33.039
we're on the same team. We do that, but sometimes

508
00:26:33.039 --> 00:26:35.400
we do we go on solo missions like life is

509
00:26:35.400 --> 00:26:37.880
a solo journey. For we're being honest, Like, you come

510
00:26:37.920 --> 00:26:41.000
into this world alone and likely are going to die alone.

511
00:26:41.160 --> 00:26:44.720
Like you are the one relationship you have from start

512
00:26:44.759 --> 00:26:47.799
to finish, and so you need to be you need

513
00:26:47.839 --> 00:26:51.079
to maintain that relationship and be okay with that relationship.

514
00:26:51.440 --> 00:26:53.599
And so when you go on that journey and you

515
00:26:53.680 --> 00:26:56.680
go and run a marathon by yourself because that's something

516
00:26:56.720 --> 00:26:58.480
you like to do but your partner does not want

517
00:26:58.519 --> 00:27:01.319
to do that, then your partner is there to cheer

518
00:27:01.359 --> 00:27:04.160
you on and say, hey, congratulations, how can I support you?

519
00:27:04.240 --> 00:27:06.279
What can I do to help you? Like you know,

520
00:27:07.720 --> 00:27:11.480
it's just being the person there to help them achieve

521
00:27:11.519 --> 00:27:15.359
their goals. You don't necessarily have to run the race

522
00:27:15.440 --> 00:27:17.839
with do it with them, but maybe you clap and

523
00:27:17.920 --> 00:27:19.599
cheer them all when they cross the finish line.

524
00:27:19.880 --> 00:27:22.880
And you know what, at least in my experience, that

525
00:27:23.119 --> 00:27:26.440
is so essential that you're doing that personal development work

526
00:27:26.680 --> 00:27:29.480
so that you have the ability to be present and

527
00:27:29.559 --> 00:27:31.559
to recognize that, you know what, I'm going to support

528
00:27:31.599 --> 00:27:34.279
them because I love them. This is important to them.

529
00:27:34.680 --> 00:27:38.319
And in no way am I feeling jealous or you know,

530
00:27:38.480 --> 00:27:40.559
ignored or any of those things. You know, one of

531
00:27:40.559 --> 00:27:43.680
the interesting things that I've come across as I've interviewed

532
00:27:43.720 --> 00:27:47.400
so many people, as we get into you know, psychological

533
00:27:47.440 --> 00:27:51.000
things and all these type of things relationships, is there's

534
00:27:51.079 --> 00:27:55.680
always kind of that tendency to talk about what isn't working.

535
00:27:56.519 --> 00:28:00.160
And to be fair with the professionals that have on

536
00:28:00.240 --> 00:28:02.400
to college that have those degrees that are in there

537
00:28:02.440 --> 00:28:06.880
doing marriage counseling or whatever counseling they're doing. Uh, there

538
00:28:06.920 --> 00:28:09.720
are those that are just so excellent and they figured

539
00:28:09.720 --> 00:28:15.240
it out. But there's also that situation where the traditional counseling,

540
00:28:15.759 --> 00:28:20.240
the traditional coaching doesn't work. And what has been your

541
00:28:20.279 --> 00:28:22.759
experience with that? And I know that you talk about

542
00:28:23.079 --> 00:28:30.680
five different categories where it's not working, so.

543
00:28:34.799 --> 00:28:39.319
Things like so we're talking broken trust and emotional disconnection,

544
00:28:39.400 --> 00:28:42.200
those sorts of things. It's I think it's critical that

545
00:28:43.960 --> 00:28:48.720
when I'll let you go, I'm gonna, I've got to

546
00:28:49.079 --> 00:28:50.240
I gotta get my thoughts together.

547
00:28:52.440 --> 00:28:55.359
There's the there's the value of a marriage relationship.

548
00:28:55.680 --> 00:28:58.599
That's right, I'm gonna, I want to get my thoughts together,

549
00:28:58.839 --> 00:28:59.279
that's right.

550
00:28:59.759 --> 00:29:03.759
I think we're all shaped by our past, right, we

551
00:29:03.799 --> 00:29:07.759
all bring our experiences of the world the experiences that

552
00:29:07.759 --> 00:29:11.319
we've had every into our marriage, of course, but into

553
00:29:11.359 --> 00:29:14.680
every relationship that we're in, and we see the world

554
00:29:15.000 --> 00:29:17.720
through the lens of our experience. And one thing I've

555
00:29:17.720 --> 00:29:19.599
had to come to grips with is there is no

556
00:29:20.000 --> 00:29:23.559
objective reality. There is no one universal truth because every

557
00:29:23.599 --> 00:29:28.079
situation that everyone experiences is experience, is experienced through the

558
00:29:28.160 --> 00:29:31.640
lens of their life to this point, and so there's

559
00:29:31.680 --> 00:29:35.359
a lot of value in understanding what that experience has

560
00:29:35.400 --> 00:29:38.359
been for you and how it's shaping your life today.

561
00:29:39.400 --> 00:29:43.279
There's less value in living in the past and re

562
00:29:43.440 --> 00:29:45.960
experiencing all of that. You need to understand how the

563
00:29:46.200 --> 00:29:49.759
past has shaped you today and how you can change

564
00:29:50.119 --> 00:29:52.960
those stories that you have. Because we all tell stories

565
00:29:52.960 --> 00:29:55.799
that we talked about before, or humans, we make up

566
00:29:55.839 --> 00:30:00.319
stories when we don't necessarily know the full hope of

567
00:30:00.359 --> 00:30:03.960
the facts, but especially as kids, because as kids we

568
00:30:04.000 --> 00:30:06.279
don't really understand life yet, and so when things happen

569
00:30:06.319 --> 00:30:08.720
to us as kids, we tell stories, and that story

570
00:30:09.119 --> 00:30:12.160
almost becomes truth in our brain, and we bring that

571
00:30:12.359 --> 00:30:15.799
truth into our marriage, and so everything we experience day

572
00:30:15.799 --> 00:30:18.880
to day we experienced through the filter of that story,

573
00:30:19.000 --> 00:30:20.839
of that truth that we have and so that's why,

574
00:30:21.400 --> 00:30:24.119
you know, I can get triggered by him not taking

575
00:30:24.200 --> 00:30:27.759
the garbage out because of my past experience of I

576
00:30:27.839 --> 00:30:30.240
don't have a good explanation for that one, but you know,

577
00:30:30.640 --> 00:30:33.640
we we can. Sometimes something can happen in the present

578
00:30:34.160 --> 00:30:36.160
that takes us back to a feeling we've had a

579
00:30:36.240 --> 00:30:39.200
long time ago, because it triggers that feeling in us,

580
00:30:39.599 --> 00:30:43.000
and it's important that we trace that and understand why

581
00:30:43.079 --> 00:30:46.079
we're feeling that so we can reprogram that story.

582
00:30:46.599 --> 00:30:46.720
You know.

583
00:30:47.680 --> 00:30:50.920
Great example of this is we were hiking in Arizona

584
00:30:50.960 --> 00:30:53.200
and he was hustling down the mountain. He's a billy goat,

585
00:30:53.240 --> 00:30:54.680
He's very surefooted.

586
00:30:54.240 --> 00:30:54.720
On the mountain.

587
00:30:54.880 --> 00:30:57.799
I'm not quite so fast, and so he's kind of

588
00:30:57.880 --> 00:30:59.680
jogging down the mountain and I'm having a hard time

589
00:30:59.759 --> 00:31:04.079
keep and I'm getting really frustrated, really annoyed with him.

590
00:31:04.519 --> 00:31:06.839
And why won't he's turn around? Does he not know

591
00:31:06.960 --> 00:31:08.720
I'm not right there? Why won't he wait for me?

592
00:31:09.119 --> 00:31:12.039
And so I'm getting really annoyed, and so then I'm

593
00:31:12.079 --> 00:31:15.279
taking a deep breath, like logically, I know he's not

594
00:31:15.400 --> 00:31:16.920
going to run down the mountain, hop in the car

595
00:31:17.000 --> 00:31:19.279
or drive away and leave me here. Like, I know

596
00:31:19.440 --> 00:31:22.200
for a fact that won't happen. So why am I

597
00:31:22.400 --> 00:31:26.319
so upset with him in this moment? And I gave

598
00:31:26.359 --> 00:31:28.799
myself some quiet time to trace that feeling, and I

599
00:31:29.720 --> 00:31:32.400
had this sudden realization that I actually have a fear

600
00:31:32.400 --> 00:31:36.880
of abandonment very deep inside from my past experiences. So

601
00:31:36.920 --> 00:31:40.079
I'm seeing this situation today through the lens of my

602
00:31:40.279 --> 00:31:43.039
fear of abandonment. And now I'm angry with him that

603
00:31:43.119 --> 00:31:46.440
he's abandoning me on this mount and even though he's not.

604
00:31:47.200 --> 00:31:49.400
And so then fast forward a few days, I have

605
00:31:49.519 --> 00:31:51.319
to share with him that I have this fear of abandonment,

606
00:31:51.359 --> 00:31:54.759
so that he knows that I have that, and going forward,

607
00:31:54.839 --> 00:31:56.799
we can, you know, work on that together. He can

608
00:31:56.880 --> 00:31:59.680
try to not abandon me and trigger that abandonment feeling

609
00:31:59.720 --> 00:32:01.880
on them, and I can try not to feel that

610
00:32:01.960 --> 00:32:04.680
trigger of abandonments. We both have an accountability there. The

611
00:32:04.799 --> 00:32:07.519
point of the story being he was not abandoning me

612
00:32:07.680 --> 00:32:10.160
on the mountain, but that's how I was feeling in

613
00:32:10.319 --> 00:32:13.839
that moment, because I was experiencing that situation through the

614
00:32:13.960 --> 00:32:17.240
lens of an old story. And so those old stories,

615
00:32:17.319 --> 00:32:20.680
those old experiences are valuable from the perspective of how

616
00:32:20.720 --> 00:32:23.440
are they shaping my experience with him today, and how

617
00:32:23.559 --> 00:32:26.519
can I change that story, that narrative in my head

618
00:32:26.599 --> 00:32:28.440
so that the next time we're going down a mountain,

619
00:32:28.720 --> 00:32:31.480
I don't feel abandoned by him, because that's my accountability.

620
00:32:31.519 --> 00:32:35.920
And I feel like historically, a lot of marriage counseling

621
00:32:36.000 --> 00:32:39.119
spends a lot of time in the creation, in the

622
00:32:39.160 --> 00:32:42.480
situations that created those stories, where we don't spend as

623
00:32:42.559 --> 00:32:45.160
much time in the situations that created those stories as

624
00:32:45.240 --> 00:32:47.559
much as we do in the awareness of those stories,

625
00:32:47.799 --> 00:32:52.240
and then retelling reprogramming those stories so that going forward,

626
00:32:52.319 --> 00:32:54.319
I don't feel abandoned coming down the mountain.

627
00:32:54.599 --> 00:32:57.960
Yeah, And I think that's so true what you said.

628
00:32:58.799 --> 00:32:59.880
You know, it's a treaty.

629
00:33:00.000 --> 00:33:01.960
I meditate. I try to meditate every day, and I

630
00:33:02.000 --> 00:33:06.160
do a walking meditation for an hour. And one of

631
00:33:06.240 --> 00:33:09.640
the affirmations that I do while I'm there is I

632
00:33:09.960 --> 00:33:14.759
basically speak out loud to myself that those subconscious triggers

633
00:33:15.680 --> 00:33:19.599
in my mind and the subconscious in my soul no

634
00:33:19.799 --> 00:33:24.559
longer affect my emotions or my behavior. And it's interesting

635
00:33:24.920 --> 00:33:28.119
that you know, as you say, they're there, they exist,

636
00:33:28.400 --> 00:33:30.880
they come up, but to be able to get to

637
00:33:31.000 --> 00:33:34.759
the point of mindset and consciousness to where when they

638
00:33:34.880 --> 00:33:37.200
come up, you look at them and you go, Okay,

639
00:33:37.880 --> 00:33:42.400
that's really a past experience that is not necessarily reality

640
00:33:42.960 --> 00:33:46.240
here and now, and so you're able to put that aside.

641
00:33:46.480 --> 00:33:49.359
And I love the fact, as you talk about, so

642
00:33:49.480 --> 00:33:52.799
many times people keep focusing so much on that pass

643
00:33:53.440 --> 00:33:58.079
rather than looking at the past, recognizing when those triggers

644
00:33:58.119 --> 00:34:01.240
are coming up and then ignizing that that's all they are,

645
00:34:01.720 --> 00:34:04.039
and that they do not have to affect our emotion

646
00:34:04.240 --> 00:34:06.960
and they don't have to affect our behavior exactly.

647
00:34:07.039 --> 00:34:08.679
Yeah, you don't want to live there. We don't want

648
00:34:08.679 --> 00:34:10.679
to live in the past. Happiness is in the now.

649
00:34:10.760 --> 00:34:12.079
We want to live in the now. We just want

650
00:34:12.119 --> 00:34:14.960
to go back to get to get through the issue

651
00:34:15.000 --> 00:34:17.360
and learn the lesson and take the good from it

652
00:34:17.480 --> 00:34:19.280
so that we can enjoy the past and build for

653
00:34:19.360 --> 00:34:22.519
the future. And that's what that's what coaching does. That

654
00:34:22.679 --> 00:34:25.199
Sometimes I think therapy maybe misses the mark on a

655
00:34:25.199 --> 00:34:27.599
little bit. It's more living in the past and dealing

656
00:34:27.639 --> 00:34:29.719
with that and judging up that a little bit more

657
00:34:29.760 --> 00:34:31.840
and sitting in it a little bit more than maybe

658
00:34:33.519 --> 00:34:36.199
you know that we would like to do so equipping.

659
00:34:36.519 --> 00:34:38.679
Yeah, what are some of the key strategies that you

660
00:34:38.920 --> 00:34:40.920
use as you're working with couples.

661
00:34:43.119 --> 00:34:45.440
One of the key strategies one of my favorite. Two

662
00:34:45.440 --> 00:34:48.639
of my favorite strategies actually, they're both around communication, and

663
00:34:48.760 --> 00:34:52.800
the first one is what we call a connection conversation.

664
00:34:52.920 --> 00:34:56.760
It's it's basically the letting them in conversation. It's going

665
00:34:56.800 --> 00:34:59.000
back to what we talked about earlier. When we don't

666
00:34:59.119 --> 00:35:01.519
share what's keeping us up at night, what we're afraid of,

667
00:35:01.639 --> 00:35:04.159
what's stressing us out, what our dreams and our goals are.

668
00:35:04.159 --> 00:35:07.159
When we don't share that stuff with our partner, they

669
00:35:07.280 --> 00:35:10.760
start to make up stories and then those stories get triggered.

670
00:35:11.039 --> 00:35:13.239
And so when you get on a regular basis, we

671
00:35:13.400 --> 00:35:15.400
like to do this weekly. When you can weekly have

672
00:35:15.559 --> 00:35:17.440
that conversation kind of at the end of a week,

673
00:35:18.320 --> 00:35:21.519
download what was good about this week? Where did I

674
00:35:21.559 --> 00:35:23.599
struggle this week? What's keeping me up at night? What

675
00:35:23.679 --> 00:35:26.079
am I afraid of, and really let your partner in

676
00:35:26.400 --> 00:35:28.800
on what's going on in your head. Then you can

677
00:35:28.880 --> 00:35:31.320
start the next week sort of really aligned and on

678
00:35:31.440 --> 00:35:34.280
the same page and not feel like you're got a

679
00:35:34.440 --> 00:35:37.679
distance growing between you, but you feel really aligned at

680
00:35:37.719 --> 00:35:39.760
the end of every week and to start the next week.

681
00:35:40.079 --> 00:35:47.039
So that's fake my favorite connection building tool. And then

682
00:35:47.079 --> 00:35:50.760
from a connection sort of maintaining perspective, I love the

683
00:35:50.920 --> 00:35:53.239
check in question. So every night, as we're kind of

684
00:35:53.320 --> 00:35:56.079
laying our heads down to go to bed, we'll usually

685
00:35:56.199 --> 00:35:59.360
ask a very specific question. This doesn't work if you

686
00:35:59.440 --> 00:36:02.079
say how is your day? Because how is your day

687
00:36:02.159 --> 00:36:04.760
is going to probably get you a fine like a

688
00:36:04.920 --> 00:36:07.239
very generic answer, or it's going to get you a

689
00:36:07.360 --> 00:36:11.000
complete debrief download on the entire every single detail of

690
00:36:11.079 --> 00:36:13.800
every single event of the whole day. When you ask

691
00:36:13.880 --> 00:36:16.960
a really specific question of like what was the best

692
00:36:17.000 --> 00:36:19.000
part of your day today, or what was your favorite

693
00:36:19.039 --> 00:36:22.320
lesson you learned today, or you know, something really specific,

694
00:36:22.440 --> 00:36:24.960
you'll get a really specific answer that you will actually

695
00:36:25.079 --> 00:36:27.480
learn something about your partner. And especially when you've been

696
00:36:27.519 --> 00:36:29.320
together a long time, it feels like sometimes you don't

697
00:36:29.320 --> 00:36:31.880
always learn new things about your partner all the time.

698
00:36:31.960 --> 00:36:34.519
But if you can ask really good questions, you're going

699
00:36:34.599 --> 00:36:37.559
to learn. It's going to, you know, bring more color

700
00:36:37.639 --> 00:36:39.400
to the context of your partner, and it's going to

701
00:36:39.519 --> 00:36:42.639
keep you feeling connected. Because when you approach that check

702
00:36:42.679 --> 00:36:46.320
in question with a genuine curiosity. Your partner feels like

703
00:36:46.480 --> 00:36:48.119
you actually care and want to be a part of

704
00:36:48.199 --> 00:36:51.320
their day, so they're feeling validated and you're learning about them.

705
00:36:51.360 --> 00:36:55.000
So you're building a tighter and tighter connection by doing

706
00:36:55.079 --> 00:36:56.000
this daily check in.

707
00:36:56.360 --> 00:36:59.559
And I think another strategy is going back to what

708
00:36:59.679 --> 00:37:01.920
we tell talked about when we left our corporate job

709
00:37:02.039 --> 00:37:04.559
and not knowing who we were. So one of the

710
00:37:04.599 --> 00:37:07.519
strategies is and the relationship you have with yourself is

711
00:37:07.599 --> 00:37:10.199
first and foremost the most important relationship you're going to

712
00:37:10.239 --> 00:37:12.079
have in life. You have to get that right because

713
00:37:12.119 --> 00:37:14.440
the love that you are able to give is limited

714
00:37:14.480 --> 00:37:16.880
by the love you have for yourself. So it's really

715
00:37:17.039 --> 00:37:21.239
working on and let's be honest, there's a worthiness epidemic

716
00:37:21.440 --> 00:37:25.480
in the world, like most people do not feel worthy

717
00:37:26.239 --> 00:37:29.239
of the things that they want in this life. And

718
00:37:29.440 --> 00:37:33.320
so one of the strategies is really working on making

719
00:37:33.440 --> 00:37:37.880
sure that we change the narrative, the stories, the things

720
00:37:38.000 --> 00:37:39.880
that that little voice in our head comes up and

721
00:37:39.920 --> 00:37:42.039
tells us we're not good enough. We need to address

722
00:37:42.079 --> 00:37:44.239
that voice. We need to name that voice, and we

723
00:37:44.360 --> 00:37:47.360
need to disassociate from that voice and make and understand

724
00:37:47.400 --> 00:37:50.039
that we're not that voice, we're not those thoughts, and

725
00:37:50.159 --> 00:37:52.760
that we are worthy of all those things that we

726
00:37:52.840 --> 00:37:56.920
want in life. And there's a very you know, specific

727
00:37:57.000 --> 00:37:59.440
exercises we do to make sure that we, you know,

728
00:37:59.639 --> 00:38:02.840
start to address that voice and put that voice in

729
00:38:03.000 --> 00:38:05.880
the passenger seat so that we can drive and get

730
00:38:05.920 --> 00:38:08.239
to the destination that we actually ultimately want to end up.

731
00:38:08.599 --> 00:38:11.039
Because when you don't worthy of love, when you don't

732
00:38:11.039 --> 00:38:13.920
feel worthy of that relationship, you're going to sabotage in anyway.

733
00:38:14.079 --> 00:38:16.559
So the all the communication tools in the world aren't

734
00:38:16.559 --> 00:38:18.960
going to help if you're actually sabotaging your own self.

735
00:38:19.679 --> 00:38:24.119
And isn't it interesting how we don't feel worthy, there's

736
00:38:24.199 --> 00:38:26.480
that whole sense of I'm not good and so forth.

737
00:38:26.519 --> 00:38:28.800
In fact, it's interesting. I was before we got on

738
00:38:28.880 --> 00:38:32.079
this podcast. I was working with an individual who has

739
00:38:32.079 --> 00:38:34.679
a couple of young children and has an eight ten

740
00:38:34.760 --> 00:38:39.320
year old son who was asking a number of questions

741
00:38:39.360 --> 00:38:43.360
about religion, and he went to his English teacher because

742
00:38:43.599 --> 00:38:46.119
I'm in Thailand, right, and so he went to his

743
00:38:46.199 --> 00:38:49.559
English teacher and was asking some things, and the teacher

744
00:38:49.679 --> 00:38:53.119
turned around and basically said to him, you're evil, you

745
00:38:53.239 --> 00:38:56.559
were born in sin and boom boom boom, And so

746
00:38:56.920 --> 00:39:01.239
you know, another is actually texting me and saying what.

747
00:39:01.360 --> 00:39:01.719
Do I do?

748
00:39:02.480 --> 00:39:04.960
And I thought about that. I thought, you know, how

749
00:39:05.079 --> 00:39:12.280
often society, religion, philosophies teach us that we're not good?

750
00:39:13.119 --> 00:39:16.559
And yet how do we help people? I mean, I

751
00:39:16.679 --> 00:39:18.320
know how I do it, but how do we help

752
00:39:18.400 --> 00:39:22.159
people to understand that, you know what you are not

753
00:39:22.320 --> 00:39:26.800
only just good, but basically you are really good. You

754
00:39:27.000 --> 00:39:31.800
have that internal eternal light within you that you just

755
00:39:31.920 --> 00:39:34.280
need to recognize is there and start to take away

756
00:39:34.360 --> 00:39:36.440
all of those other things that are impinging on that

757
00:39:36.960 --> 00:39:39.119
and starting to remove them away. So you come to

758
00:39:39.239 --> 00:39:42.400
that realization and Craig, as you said, you know, learning

759
00:39:42.480 --> 00:39:43.679
to really love yourself.

760
00:39:44.679 --> 00:39:47.440
Yeah, it's all about changing that narrative because to your point,

761
00:39:47.519 --> 00:39:50.400
we learned it in school. Like schools are set up

762
00:39:50.480 --> 00:39:53.000
that we're in a competition and we're marked with red

763
00:39:53.079 --> 00:39:55.000
ink can we get the F and we're not good

764
00:39:55.119 --> 00:39:59.199
enough where? And I remember going home with a test

765
00:40:00.159 --> 00:40:02.400
ninety five percent on that test, I got a ninety

766
00:40:02.440 --> 00:40:04.760
five percent. That's pretty good, and I take it home

767
00:40:05.360 --> 00:40:07.760
and out of the goodness of their heart, they're great parents.

768
00:40:07.880 --> 00:40:10.119
But my parents would be like but what happened to

769
00:40:10.159 --> 00:40:13.079
the other five percent. And so even from that point,

770
00:40:13.159 --> 00:40:15.280
like I got a ninety five percent, I got a

771
00:40:15.440 --> 00:40:18.159
really great grade on that test, but the message I

772
00:40:18.320 --> 00:40:21.519
took was it wasn't good enough. I'd be perfect and

773
00:40:21.679 --> 00:40:25.320
so and if they have the best of intentions, it

774
00:40:25.400 --> 00:40:26.960
was coming from a place of love. It was them

775
00:40:27.079 --> 00:40:29.440
just telling me that I was I was capable, and

776
00:40:29.599 --> 00:40:31.639
that they were proud of me, and that they knew

777
00:40:31.719 --> 00:40:33.559
that I was. I was capable to take on the

778
00:40:33.599 --> 00:40:36.039
world and get one hundred percent on this test. But

779
00:40:36.159 --> 00:40:38.920
that wasn't how the message landed. And I think that's

780
00:40:39.119 --> 00:40:41.480
what a lot of people get as they grow up,

781
00:40:41.639 --> 00:40:43.559
is that message that they're not good enough. Whether it's

782
00:40:43.599 --> 00:40:47.480
a test, or religion or schools or wherever, you know, sports,

783
00:40:48.320 --> 00:40:50.599
it's it's about changing that narrative. And we have to

784
00:40:50.760 --> 00:40:53.719
just be consistent about it because it's it's been ingrained

785
00:40:53.760 --> 00:40:57.000
in us for me forty years and for others, you know,

786
00:40:57.159 --> 00:40:59.960
fifty sixty, seventy years, twenty years, it depends on how old,

787
00:41:00.360 --> 00:41:03.599
but chances are it's really deeply ingrained in you. And

788
00:41:03.719 --> 00:41:08.559
so it's gonna take consistent daily action of really going

789
00:41:08.719 --> 00:41:12.840
in and doing that mindfulness and meditating and sitting with

790
00:41:13.000 --> 00:41:17.519
those thoughts and really getting curious with them, not judging them,

791
00:41:17.559 --> 00:41:20.480
but just getting curious with them and saying, Okay, why

792
00:41:20.559 --> 00:41:23.760
do I feel this way? And asking yourself some really interesting,

793
00:41:24.400 --> 00:41:29.239
curious questions, and then changing that narrative, changing that story

794
00:41:29.320 --> 00:41:33.440
and being consistent with it, and finding finding stories and

795
00:41:33.639 --> 00:41:36.320
things that you can tell yourself that are actually believable,

796
00:41:36.360 --> 00:41:40.320
and reminding yourself of all your greatness, reminding yourself of

797
00:41:40.400 --> 00:41:42.159
the home run you hit in Little league to win

798
00:41:42.239 --> 00:41:46.400
the win the championship, reminding yourself of the spelling bee

799
00:41:46.440 --> 00:41:48.960
that you won, reminding yourself of that time that you

800
00:41:49.119 --> 00:41:52.079
came to that kid's defense when the bully was picking

801
00:41:52.119 --> 00:41:54.519
on them, reminding yourself of how you've been a good

802
00:41:54.559 --> 00:41:57.119
person throughout your life and doing all these amazing things.

803
00:41:57.320 --> 00:42:02.840
That's what it's all about, is being consistent about rewriting

804
00:42:02.960 --> 00:42:05.679
that narrative of how you are in this world.

805
00:42:06.280 --> 00:42:08.519
Oh amen to that. And you know what amazes me

806
00:42:09.239 --> 00:42:12.199
is time goes by so fast, and I think we

807
00:42:12.280 --> 00:42:14.920
could go on for another couple of hours easily, but

808
00:42:15.480 --> 00:42:17.719
my manager won't let me do that. So there you go.

809
00:42:18.840 --> 00:42:22.679
So as we close, I have a final question that

810
00:42:22.760 --> 00:42:24.840
I'd love for you to share with the audience, and

811
00:42:25.000 --> 00:42:27.840
that is, what's the number one thing someone can do

812
00:42:28.119 --> 00:42:30.480
right now to improve their relationship.

813
00:42:32.119 --> 00:42:35.760
Take one hundred percent accountability for your relationship, whatever it is.

814
00:42:35.800 --> 00:42:38.280
If it's your marriage, if it's your business partner, your colleague,

815
00:42:38.280 --> 00:42:41.119
your girlfriend, your mother, or your sister, whoever it is,

816
00:42:41.840 --> 00:42:45.639
take one hundred percent responsibility for the state of that relationship.

817
00:42:46.039 --> 00:42:48.400
Because we grew up believing a good marriage is fifty

818
00:42:48.400 --> 00:42:50.840
to fifty and any good relationship is fifty to fifty.

819
00:42:51.199 --> 00:42:54.039
Fifty to fifty introduces a gray area whose job is

820
00:42:54.119 --> 00:42:57.199
that who apologizes first. If each of you take one

821
00:42:57.360 --> 00:43:00.599
hundred percent responsibility for the state of your marriage, you

822
00:43:00.639 --> 00:43:03.360
don't keep score, you don't feel defensive, you don't feel attacked.

823
00:43:03.760 --> 00:43:07.119
It creates a two hundred percent marriage where you're each

824
00:43:07.239 --> 00:43:09.400
taking that one hundred percent responsibility and you feel like

825
00:43:09.559 --> 00:43:10.280
teammates again.

826
00:43:10.920 --> 00:43:13.960
Yeah, I love it. I love it. Hey, thank you

827
00:43:14.079 --> 00:43:16.400
so much for being on the show. And like I say,

828
00:43:17.039 --> 00:43:20.159
there's so much we haven't even gotten into. I'd love

829
00:43:20.199 --> 00:43:21.880
to have you on the show again if you decide

830
00:43:21.920 --> 00:43:25.440
you'd like to do that, ladly, But meanwhile, I really

831
00:43:25.519 --> 00:43:29.760
appreciate your comments, what you've shared, and it's not easy

832
00:43:29.840 --> 00:43:33.159
always to share those type of things and to be transparent,

833
00:43:33.400 --> 00:43:37.119
so I appreciate that too. And most importantly, you're making

834
00:43:37.159 --> 00:43:40.440
a difference. I am convinced in the lives of many people,

835
00:43:40.920 --> 00:43:42.360
and I think that's what's important.

836
00:43:43.519 --> 00:43:45.159
Thank you very much. It's a pleasure to be here.

837
00:43:45.400 --> 00:43:46.840
Absolute joy. Thank you so much.

838
00:43:47.039 --> 00:43:49.639
Well, thank you and folks, thanks for listening. Hope you

839
00:43:49.840 --> 00:43:52.119
enjoyed it. Look forward to having you join us again soon.

840
00:43:52.519 --> 00:43:54.760
This is doctor Dex saying no mistay

841
00:44:00.480 --> 00:44:02.960
At his days Ris Year