A Discussion about Mental Health and Suicide Prevention Advocacy

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This program is designed to provide general
information with regards to the subject matters covered.

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This information is given with the understanding
that neither the hosts, guests,

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sponsors, or station are engaged in
rendering any specific and personal medical, financial,

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legal counseling, professional service, or
any advice. You should seek the

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services of competent professionals before applying or
trying any suggested ideas. Fateful thanks for

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joining us today. I'm really excited
about who I'm going to have on the

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show today. Her name is Jessica
Rink, and she is an intuition mindset

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engineer. She works with businesses,
mainly businesses and individuals to help them to

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change their mindset to be able to
eliminate some of those negativity subconscious things that

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are going on that are creating a
life that they really choose not to have.

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And so I'm really excited to have
her on the show. She's also

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experienced in our own life number of
friends, younger friends who have committed suicide,

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and so we're going to talk a
little bit about suicide prevention also and

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talk about just maybe a little slice
of what we could do to help to

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contribute towards minimizing suicide within our area. So I hope you'll join us.

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I hope that you'll enjoy it.
At the end of the day, it's

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not about what you have or even
what you've accomplished. It's about what you've

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done with those accomplishments. It's about
who you've lifted up, who you've made

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better. It's about what you've given
back. Denzel Washington, Welcome to Inspire

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Vision. Our sole purpose is to
elevate the lives of others and to inspire

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you to do the same. Jessica, how are you doing? I am

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so good? How are you good? I'm so pleased to have you on

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the show today. So I want
you to explain to the audience what is

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an intuition mindset engineer. I'm basically
an intuition coach. So I teach people

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how to connect with the intuitive voice
that they have within them, because it's

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my belief that we're all intuitive,
but most of us have forgotten how to

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listen to that inner wisdom within and
so I help people reconnect with that lost

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part of themselves. You know.
And it's interesting that you say that.

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I was just doing a presentation earlier
today in the networking group and That's one

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of the things I talked about.
And I think that as I was looking

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at some of the notes that you
had put in here, I think you

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talk a little bit about social media
and how that can affect us, right,

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Yes, And one of the things
I was talking about, and as

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really as understanding who we really are
and the fact that there's so many influences,

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whether it's social media or religion or
whatever, that sometimes we really don't

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know the goodness that lies within us, the divinity that lies within us,

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and who we are. For instance, you know, in the in the

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Christian community, bottom line is because
of Adam and Eve, we're all evil,

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right, And so can you imagine
living your life with that sense that

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innately I'm not good, that's I'm
tough burden to bear, well, it

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is, and as fascinating that you're
you're working with people to kind of overcome

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that whole concept, right. Sometimes, Yeah, it depends on where that

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person's internal narrative takes them, because
our internal wisdom is meant to serve us

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at whatever stage we are in life. And so where I meet people,

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I find that they're largely disconnected from
various traumas and storylines that have happened to

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them and with them throughout their life, and so we kind of untangle the

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knots in the subconscious mind. Depending
on what those knots might be, it

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might be relationship issues, it might
be issue with feeling rejected by the church,

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it might be issues stemming in their
business life. Money comes up a

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lot, so it really just depends
on where that person's consciousness is at and

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what's got them all knotted up inside, you know. And one of the

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quotes that I used today was from
Doctor Joe to spends Up, and it

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was fascinating because, you know,
he talks about the fact that our personality

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is basically made up of all of
those emotions and all of those experiences that

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in many cases are very subconscious in
nature, but that makes up our personality.

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And as I was talking, I
said, you know, not only

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does it make up our personality,
but it also creates our perception of what's

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actually happening. So as you work
with people, how how do you work

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with them to help them to actually
really experience a new life, a different

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life the one they're experiencing right now, which may not be what they want.

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Thank you so much for that question. It really is a sacred journey

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for a lot of people, because
they don't realize that the personality they're operating

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within is largely constructive based on their
traumas and fears and experiences that we're mostly

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negative for a lot of people.
Imagine there's a lot of good stuff that's

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mixed in there too, but a
lot of our personality is in reaction to

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what has happened in our lives and
at least up until that point, and

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so it all is contained within the
subconscious mind. So when people start to

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realize that this personality they're operating from
is not the most ideal for them,

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they want to change, and so
they dip into things like affirmations and vision

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boards and really trying to pitch a
different construct of another aspect of them or

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another personality that feels more ideal to
them. Where I find some issues with

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that is that until that person has
really come to terms with that first personality

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that seems to be running the show, whatever they try to bring in and

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the next iteration of them, well, if the first one isn't dealt with,

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then the next one's harder to bring
in. And so with the coaching

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that I perform with people is really
trying to understand what's in that first personality

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that's not working. And we spend
a little bit of time in the past,

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but we spend a lot of time
and emotions and in that right brain

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and what aspects of their brain have
been underutilized up until this point. And

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I find with most people it's the
underutilization of their emotions and connecting with the

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feelings that they have within themselves.
Well, and I guess my question is,

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you know, and this is one
of the things I was talking about

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today. We have an event that
just occurred, whatever that happens to me,

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There is no emotion tied to an
event, It just is what it

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is. But then as we observe
that, then all of a sudden,

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we apply an emotion to that event, very much so. And those emotions

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come from. Where do you find
that most of those subconscious emotions that whether

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they're good or whether they are not
doing us any good, where do they

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come from? Definitely in the subconscious
mind. And I find a lot of

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people try very hard not to feel
certain emotions, especially in our society.

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I think I find a lot of
people try not to be angry, and

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they try not to be sad,
But the avoidance of those emotions tends to

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make them a lot bigger in that
person's experience. So repressing emotions kind of

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like pushing a beach ball underwater,
And so you can push that thing down

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for as long as you can,
but someday, at some point, that

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thing's going to come popping up.
And if that person has no idea how

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to deal with that emotion, then
it could be quite a bit bigger of

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a reaction than they might have anticipated
initially. And you know, what comes

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to my mind is the quote that
which we resist persists and so often.

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But I want to go back to
that question, though, what causes those

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emotions to exist within us subconsciously?
Definitely, I think, at least from

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my experience and what I've experienced in
my own life and with clients, what

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causes us to feel these emotions?
I think we're attempting to experience life,

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and in that attempt, when we
attempt to dive into the messiness that life

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can give us, there are certain
reactions that come into play. And to

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be human is to be emotional.
And I feel that if a lot of

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people what I perceive is to be
a little bit of an endemic of trying

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not to feel. There's a lot
of people who are avoiding emotions with things

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like social media, with lots of
distractions, binge watching TV, binge watching

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you know, binge eating food and
all of that, all in an attempt

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to just avoid certain things. And
so where do emotions come from? It

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could be from the soul, it
could be from us participating in our environment.

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But you know, there's a lot
of a range there. There's a

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big, big range of emotions that
are available to us well. And as

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we talk about emotions, and I
wasn't you know that question was probably a

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little skewed from what I was getting
at. When you when you look at

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the emotions of a lot of your
clients, are there some emotions that seem

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to be just consistent among all of
the clients. There's a few that I

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come across quite a bit. And
what are and what are they? Resentments?

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A big one resentment and what and
what are they resenting? A lot

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of times when I meet people at
this stage, resenting the fact that their

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life does not look like that they
want it to. Okay, So resentments

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and emotion what about I'm not good
enough? That tends to be a lot

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of shame. Shame and guilt tends
to be at the bottom of that one,

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that I'm not good enough, will
never be a good enough. A

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lot of rejection comes into play with
that one, and so that one can

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be pretty common as well, especially
in a culture where we've been taught that

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we need to sort of compete at
a conscious and subconscious level, and so

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we're always in competition with something,
even if it's the version of us from

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the day before. So there's this
energy of just striving, which I think

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brings in a lot of that comparison, which lends itself to self rejection,

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rejection from others, and then guilt
and shame. We're all tied up in

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there, okay. And and if
someone's experiencing that rejection, if they're experiencing

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that blame, that shame, that
guilt, how does that showing their behavior

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and in their life experience. Tend
to see people they look like they're hiding

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from something. They're sure they might
participate in their lives, but they're holding

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something back. And that's the thing
where I look at that personality structure and

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I said, oh my gosh,
there's so much freedom on the other side

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of this thing. If we might
start to wrangle that guilt or shame or

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anger or rejection or resentment, we
break through that wall and that person starts

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participating in life very fully. Looking
at that from the opposite perspective, when

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someone's not participating fully, they're tend
to be holding a lot back. And

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I think it's it, you know, buy and large. Not to overgeneralize,

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but just if I show all of
myself, then what will they think

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about me. I can't show these
parts of myself because they're too bad,

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or they're horrible, or I haven't
dealt with it yet, I'm going to

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get rejected. And so I just
see people half participating in life, maybe

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even less well. And you know, the one thing that I look at

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is the perception. And obviously we're
talking perception here, because right at the

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first we were talking about the fact
that, you know, basically, we

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are really good people. We have
that wonderful divinity within us. We're really

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good, and yet all of these
things somehow have come into our lives that

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have caused us the blame, the
shame, the guilt, I'm not good

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enough, all those types of things, resentment, anger, whatever that happens

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to be. And it is fascinating
to me to realize that, you know

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what, that's just their perception.
You and I may look at you and

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I may experience exactly the same event, and based on our perception, it's

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going to be different. I was
showing a picture today and it's a picture

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and you may have seen this one. It's of a black rabbit slash blackbird.

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And when you look at it,
it's really difficult to say which one

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it is. And so I was
asking the group today what is it?

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Well, you know, half the
half the hands one of them and they

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said, well, it's a rabbit, and the other half goes, no,

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no, no, no, it's
a bird. And I'm going you're

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looking at the same picture, and
yet look at the difference in your perception.

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And so the question is what do
we find? What do you find?

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It creates that perception, and how
do you help them to overcome that

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perception that may not be in their
best interest because quite frankly, perception,

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I believe creates our life experience.
If we feel like we're no good,

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guess what we're going to find people
that treatise like we're no good, and

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that's going to be our life experience
because we have to be right as a

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human being. That's it. And
I think with a lot of the people

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that I've meet, they've had some
pretty rough experiences at the beginning stages of

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their life that would inform them that
this world is dangerous, or this world

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has people that cannot be trusted.
Maybe you can't trust yourself. And ages

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zero to seven are pretty critical years
for any humans development because it's within those

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years that the subconscious is really built
upon how we perceive the world. And

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so there are children that had very
uplifting and encouraging and emotionally supportive and emotionally

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developmental environments who are probably pretty balanced
in their perceptions. And then there are

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children who were not given that those
opportunities to experience that, and maybe life

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was a threat. Maybe they had
emotionally deregulated parents which caused them to question

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all relationships, especially relationship within themselves. And so does it come down to

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what happens at the early stages of
our life. It does. Largely.

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There's a lot of energy. I
call it energetic imprints because the way that

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I see these emotions, they rarely
exist on their own. There's usually if

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there's guilt, there's shame. If
they're shame, there's rejection. And so

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when you get these energies in someone's
mindset, it's really going to drive the

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perception. Now what happens at some
stage of our life, we do have

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to become responsible for what energies we're
carrying. It may not be our fault

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that we were imprinted with X,
Y, and Z, but it is

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our responsibility to change that which is
not working for us so well. And

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yeah, and one of the questions
that I've always asked is because I've noticed

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among many friends and acquaintances and so
forth, that there are those that just

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are constantly living in that guilt,
in that shame, and their life experience

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reflects that, and yet they're not
aware that that is something that's actually causing

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the challenge and their life experienced.
They're not aware of it. And number

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two, they're not aware that they
can change it. And because it's actually

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internal rather than external what they are
experiencing, how do you help people?

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I mean, obviously, if someone's
aware, they're going to call you for

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help, right, But when you're
when you're out there in the public,

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or when you're with some friends and
so forth, and you know, maybe

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even some close friends where you recognize
that the life that they're experiencing is not

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what they want, and yet they're
not even aware that there's a way to

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change. How do you help them
to become aware? Because I think that

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I think awareness is the first challenge
and the second challenge is the courage to

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do something about it. That So
for me, it's I like to help

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encourage people to become aware in the
most gentle way possible, because if that

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person's carrying around that kind of energy, the world is telling them that they're

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carrying it, and it's telling them
in a very aggressive way. Somebody who's

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got major trust issues is going to
have issues in their relationships right and they

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think like, oh, I can't
trust anybody, and the world is going

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to give them situations where that's going
to be very true until they decide to

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change that mindset. So for me, and when I work with people,

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are you aware that you're presenting like
this? And that question are you aware?

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Really is a beautiful invitation for self
introspection And it's not as imposing as

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you're being this and you're being that
and you're not aware of it, Because

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that's very aggressive, but are you
aware my perception of you is? And

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so these are leading questions to encourage
introspection. The second part that I lean

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on heavily is encouragement, because once
people see another version of themselves, once

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they drop the stories at the pain
and the stuff that's not working, then

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the truest version of themselves comes forward, the one that's been there all along,

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but that's been buried under all of
these emotions and experiences that are less

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than ideal. I have a gift
to be able to see that person,

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the second one, or at least
the one that's been buried underneath, very

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very clearly. And I've always had
this gift, and so my approach is

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just encouraging to the highest version of
that person while also gently pointing out an

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awareness of the things that are less
than ideal. Well, and it's interesting

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because you know you're as I look
at your bio, I mean, this

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is not what you went to school
for. You know, you have a

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master's degree and probablic administration, but
you work with fortune five hundred companies.

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You've worked with different companies. It's
fascinating to me that as I was working

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with small businesses and doing some consulting
with them. One of the first things

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I would say is, whatever principles
were teaching you here, I guarantee you

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if you'll take them into your personal
life, it's going to make a big

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difference for you. So have you
found that from a personal perspective, as

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people are experiencing all of this,
if you go into the business arena,

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do you find that it's exactly the
same thing, and that that is either

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causing a lack of a success in
a company or a real good success if

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they happen to be very healthy emotionally. I find that as goes leadership,

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so goes the company, and as
goes leaders so goes the employees. And

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so why I do like to focus
on the business community, and I have

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a bachelor's in business and a master's
in public administration, is that first we

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tend to hide in our work and
so all of these not ideal aspects of

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ourselves we take into the workplace and
we try to pretend that nobody sees it.

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Which we've done that long enough,
and from my perspective, I think

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hopefully gone or the days where people
show up fifty percent of themselves to work

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and they feel like they have to
hide the other fifty percent that just sucks

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and that freedom that we're talking about, If we had a bunch of employees

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that felt very free in their expressions, we could have some very healthy workplaces

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very quickly. But again, leadership
drives this narrative. And so we're starting

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to see very conscious companies start to
invest in mindfulness and employee coaching that encourages

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people to deal with their stuff.
Because healthy employees includes a healthy workforce,

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includes happy, fulfilled, productive economies, and that's where I think we want

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to live. And Okay, I
think America's got a really good chance to

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get there. Well, we do
if we can get the right leadership right

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well, and so as we talk
about that, let's go back to the

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shame and the guilt. I was
reading an interesting study the other day and

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it fascinating me. I've had a
couple of nephews that have taken their own

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lives, have committed suicide, and
so I was fascinated by what are some

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of the things. And they come
from normal families. These are not families

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that are challenged families. These are
normal, quote healthy families. And yet

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it still occurred. And as I
was doing the studies. I found one

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study that talked about the fact that, and it was strictly within normal families,

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that expectations and lack of really good
communication are at least a couple of

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factors. Now, there are many, and we know that, but for

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their their experience, those things,
the expectations and the poor communication, are

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part of what can contribute to a
child's sense of lack of value to the

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point where they may even consider suicide. Now, what has been your experience

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with that, because I know you
have had some extensive experience with suicide started

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at a very young age for me, where my first friend was nine when

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she took her own life, and
it continued almost every two to three years

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from up through my twenties. It
was very bizarre to have lost so many

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friends to this. What I observed
was exactly as you said, the expectations

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that have been put on children to
perform in certain ways, and if you

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don't get good grades, then you're
not going to get into that good college.

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Then what's going to happen to your
economic security? And you're basically going

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to be destitute. And that was
kind of the narrative that I think that

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we all heard growing up you have
to perform in this environment. Some kids

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have the emotional resilience to do that
and to do very well. Some do

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not. And what's the determining factor
in that. Well, I think there's

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a lot of warning signs that we
can be aware of, and it is

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looking at the mental health of children
and how they're doing well. And I

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think it's really important. It's just
that's why I brought up this story about

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perceptions. You know, you can
look at a child. I could have

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looked at that group and say,
oh, you all see the rabbit.

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Well no, no, no,
no, I don't see the rabbit.

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I see I see the bird.
No no, no, you see the

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rabbit. That's what it is.
Well no, no. And I think

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sometimes as parents, as teachers,
as friends and all of those type of

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things, we don't realize that the
other individual has their own perception and that

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as you say, you know,
if you've got a child whose perception is

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is that those expectations are overwhelming,
that becomes a problem. As I read

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this, I went to my kids
and it's like, Okay, did I

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create because I was a single dad
pretty much, did I create expectations on

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you that were well, did I
and they're going, yeah, dad,

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you did, and my daughter's saying, yeah, dad, you did.

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But it was okay because it wasn't
unachievable expectations and it wasn't real hard,

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but you know, there was just
that sense of we need to be the

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best we can and so on and
so forth. I'm not sure that parents

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realize the tremendous expectations they either put
on a child verbally or even non verbally,

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that can affect that child's mental health. That's it. I think with

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any expectation, if there's a baseline
energy that that child feels loved, accepted,

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and hurt, you have a much
likelier chance that that child will deal

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with the expectations and is willing to
commute Kate when the expectations are too much

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or they're being overwhelmed. If that
child has questions as to whether they're being

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loved, accepted, and heard,
you might have a different story in terms

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of the expectations are being put forth
as a way to earn or achieve said

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love and acceptance, and that happens
commonly, but I definitely think it doesn't

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happen on purpose. I think it's
we're a very busy society. And very

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very concerned about survival economically on many
levels, and so there could be just

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some missed signs in this. But
I think if we start with the baseline

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of love, we might be more
okay with it. So do you find

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that if someone if the child has
that perception of you know, not achieving

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what they need to achieve based on
the expectations or whatever, do you find

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that that ends up in acting out
in their lives? Which then as parents

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or other people look at that going
okay as a troubled child, do they

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usually act out? And is that
really maybe the first sign that you know

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what, I've got to really look
at this a little bit more carefully.

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Yeah, I'm definitely not a child
behavior expert, but what I've seen out

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of various circumstances that I've been involved
with, is that, yes, at

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some point the child is going to
act out to someone. Now, they

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might not act out at home,
they might act out at school because maybe

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at home it's dangerous environment that if
they act out too much, there's punishment.

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So there's some kind of behavior that's
happening somewhere that is outside of the

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social norms that that child's been taught
and so in that there's probably a couple

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of warning signs. But I would
also say that if the child seems pretty

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withdrawn, that would be a good
idea to get the perspective on what's going

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on and really open up channels of
communication. I've had the opportunity to work

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with foster kids, and that's a
tough crowd because they expect adults to have

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some sort of expectation, or they've
created an expectation on themselves. I need

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to act in a certain way in
order to receive love or security, because

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as a foster kid, there's not
a lot of security being offered in that.

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Creating a space for the child to
fully be themselves and be very open

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in that expression no matter what I
think is important, but with guidance,

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because if a child's acting out,
they're going to try to push the boundaries

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just a little bit, and depending
on how the adults or caregiver responds,

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is going to continue to further that
behavior. If the adult responds in such

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a way of love, acceptance,
grounding and boundaries, rules and structure a

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little bit to create that felt safety, then we find that the children tend

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to settle into that environment and it's
interesting that I see adults with this behavior

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as well. They tend to push
on the boundaries of the people that are

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around them to see do you really
love me? Are you going to stick

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around? And it's interesting that that
behavior can be carried into adulthood as well.

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And what do we do as parents? What do we do when we

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got a child that's acting out?
What are the steps that we can take

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that at least can give us a
better sense of what's really going on.

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I think you nailed it when you
said communication is how do we nurture a

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safe place for communication? How are
you experiencing your world is a great question

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to ask. What goes on day
to day in your world? What emotions

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do you feel? And there's a
large part of kids that I think they

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understand very intuitively how to be an
emotional creature. But if they're in an

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environment where their emotions are being challenged, or they said, you know,

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I'm angry and the parents says,
you're not angry, you're this, well,

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parents effectively just gasolt the children into
not believing their own experience. So

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that's kind of a problem. If
that child says I'm angry, great,

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we'll talk about your anger? How
are you doing with that? And really

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just leaning in and nurturing that space
for those emotions to exist without judging them

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or criticizing them, Because the second
that an emotion feels judged or criticize,

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I guarantee you that child's going to
shut down. Okay, And I've got

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a child that's acting up, and
guess what happens. That's an event he's

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acting up. There's no emotion to
it, maybe his, but there is

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no emotion. And yet what's that
going to do to me? That's going

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to immediately bring up emotions in me
that says, hey, you can't do

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that. So here's my question,
and here, you know, here's the

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thought I have. What responsibility do
the parents have to actually heal themselves if

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they're really wanting to attempt to heal
their children? Doctor Doug, you nailed

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it. That's it. It's a
physician heal thyself first kind of situation where

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we need to be very honest with
If we've got a child acting out in

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anger and we're triggered, what about
that child anger is triggering us? There's

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probably some not dealt with anger within
us that we need to address first.

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And you know, kids rely on
us to be grounded individuals, and if

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we're not presenting ourselves in a grounded
way, then that child automatically is not

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going to feel very safe in that
environment and will continue to push boundaries.

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Well, and can you imagine the
communication of Hey, John, you're acting

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out and I have to tell you
that it's really causing me to bring up

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some emotions within myself. I must
have some triggers here that are causing that.

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Let's talk about it, and I
need to work on my own emotions.

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But at the same time, let's
let's figure out why you're acting out

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and so forth. I think that
helps. Well, I definitely think that

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the complaints should go up, and
so if that parent has got something that's

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going on with them, to definitely
take that to a trusted advisor, therapist,

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or counselor to deal with those emotions. Too often, I've seen parents

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put their own emotional range on the
kids, almost in an unconscious way of

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like help me fix this. And
I've seen that way too much. And

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so then the child then becomes or
feels responsible for the parents' emotional range and

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starts adjusting their behavior to compensate,
which is not good. That will definitely

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affect the kid later on in life, and wouldn't be wonderful if they say,

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I'm going to go get some help
and you're welcome to join me.

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Let's figure this thing out. And
you know, And I think that's the

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point I'm trying to make is I
think that as parents, we have not

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only the responsibility, but the opportunity
to really look at our children and rather

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than saying, there are children,
they are our responsibility to help them to

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achieve the best that they can achieve
in their lives. And when you change

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that mindset all of a sudden,
it might even change the way you act

395
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and be towards your child. Absolutely. One of the things that I think

396
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is becoming so important is the free
expression of where we're at at any given

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time. I think we're doing a
very good job in our society said tongue

398
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in cheek, that it's okay to
be you as long as you're you within

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these parameters. And I feel that
there are certain expressions, especially emotionally,

400
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where if we got really good at
just allowing people their experiences without it threatening

401
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us in some way, we would
open up a lot of channels for healthy

402
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communication in our families in our workplaces
and beyond that in our communities. So

403
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do you work at all with troubled
children or with parents who have children,

404
00:33:00.720 --> 00:33:05.839
or with families or is your main
focus business? I focus predominantly on adults.

405
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I have worked with young adults before, and I do work with a

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few here and there, But I
very much shy away from calling anybody in

407
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any experience troubled in some way because
I feel that we've all got things that

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00:33:19.599 --> 00:33:24.440
we work through, and any expression, as long as it's the authentic one,

409
00:33:24.480 --> 00:33:29.880
to me, is a very beautiful
expression, especially if it's struggle,

410
00:33:30.160 --> 00:33:36.720
because struggle creates so much opportunity for
growth and healing, and so any troubled

411
00:33:36.759 --> 00:33:42.079
team or troubled youth that I've ever
worked with, even outside of this current

412
00:33:42.119 --> 00:33:46.880
career, I've always seen as a
beautiful expression because I know that there's just

413
00:33:46.920 --> 00:33:51.440
a lot of opportunity for something to
emerge on the other side of that struggle.

414
00:33:52.880 --> 00:33:55.279
So what do we do here?
We have a community, For instance,

415
00:33:55.279 --> 00:34:00.359
I live in Utah, all right. We have the highest percentage of

416
00:34:00.440 --> 00:34:08.360
mental illness in the country. We
have a fairly strong and high rate of

417
00:34:09.480 --> 00:34:17.280
suicide as a state. Where are
you from California originally, but I'm now

418
00:34:17.280 --> 00:34:22.760
in Colorado, Okay, and who
knows what those stats are for there.

419
00:34:22.159 --> 00:34:25.159
But the reality is, what do
we do? How can we help this

420
00:34:25.880 --> 00:34:32.119
to help help our children or young
people, and sometimes suicide's coming about for

421
00:34:32.199 --> 00:34:37.519
other reasons and they're not children,
their adults. How do we help the

422
00:34:37.559 --> 00:34:40.480
awareness? Number one? And then
number two, how do we actually help

423
00:34:40.599 --> 00:34:46.239
to eliminate this high percentage of the
mental illness of the suicide that's going on

424
00:34:46.360 --> 00:34:51.000
in our country. I think we
have to open up the conversation around our

425
00:34:51.000 --> 00:34:55.159
emotions quite a bit. I think
that it's there's an opportunity for us to

426
00:34:55.280 --> 00:35:00.000
not classify certain emotions as being good
versus bad, because when we label an

427
00:35:00.039 --> 00:35:04.000
emotion is bad, we're effectively saying, all right, if you've carried this

428
00:35:04.039 --> 00:35:08.440
emotion, there's something wrong with you, and that's just not working anymore.

429
00:35:10.199 --> 00:35:15.719
Known way too many people who have
committed suicide where there's I didn't know anything

430
00:35:15.800 --> 00:35:21.800
was wrong, not until it was
too late. And that's interesting because then

431
00:35:21.920 --> 00:35:24.719
now we're very much talking about what
level of pain were they carrying that they

432
00:35:24.760 --> 00:35:30.000
could not talk about and searching my
memory? Did we ever talk about a

433
00:35:30.039 --> 00:35:34.320
time when we were feeling upset about
something. No, we kept things pretty

434
00:35:34.400 --> 00:35:38.000
light and fun and joking around,
and we made jokes of our pain rather

435
00:35:38.039 --> 00:35:42.440
than saying, like, no,
I'm really struggling. And had we had

436
00:35:42.440 --> 00:35:46.119
those discussions as teenagers and even adults, would the narrative have been different For

437
00:35:46.199 --> 00:35:51.840
some of my friends. I think
so, I really do. But labeling

438
00:35:51.960 --> 00:35:55.480
things within ourselves as saying this emotion
that I'm carrying is bad and there's something

439
00:35:55.519 --> 00:35:59.639
wrong with me, that's the first
step to self rejection, which is one

440
00:35:59.679 --> 00:36:06.400
step closer to not feeling very good
in that mental and emotional health. Okay,

441
00:36:06.519 --> 00:36:08.960
let me rephrase that a bit and
see if you would change your mind

442
00:36:08.960 --> 00:36:15.559
with rephrasing it, that emotion is
not serving me well. Difference between that

443
00:36:15.679 --> 00:36:22.880
and that emotion I'm bad because of
that emotion, that emotion is bad.

444
00:36:22.960 --> 00:36:25.960
There's a difference between saying that emotion
is bad, therefore I'm bad versus that

445
00:36:27.000 --> 00:36:30.760
emotion is not serving me well,
what do I need to do to change

446
00:36:30.760 --> 00:36:34.719
it? It's such a different question. And that emotion is not serving me

447
00:36:34.760 --> 00:36:37.760
well, what do I need to
do to change it? There's that level

448
00:36:37.760 --> 00:36:39.880
of acceptance that comes in that question. It's not serving me. Well,

449
00:36:39.920 --> 00:36:45.320
there's something else that's more ideal.
It's a very mature viewpoint, though,

450
00:36:45.679 --> 00:36:50.559
it's an extremely mature viewpoint, And
so I think that if someone is able

451
00:36:50.599 --> 00:36:53.719
to be self aware enough to recognize, look, my anger, it's not

452
00:36:53.840 --> 00:36:59.239
serving me, what do I do
about it? Great? There's like a

453
00:36:59.400 --> 00:37:04.800
ton of different activities therapy being one, coaching and other, journaling, meditation,

454
00:37:05.039 --> 00:37:08.599
all kinds of different modalities to help
somebody come to terms with why they

455
00:37:08.679 --> 00:37:15.960
might be carrying that emotion so profusely. But I love that question, honestly.

456
00:37:15.960 --> 00:37:17.920
If we could look at it from
that perspective, I think would be

457
00:37:19.000 --> 00:37:22.760
pretty healthier. Well, and can
you imagine the families if they were to

458
00:37:22.920 --> 00:37:28.360
look at that and all of them
come together with that philosophy of hey,

459
00:37:28.400 --> 00:37:31.039
you know what, my emotions are
not serving me, well, your emotions

460
00:37:31.039 --> 00:37:35.440
are not serving you. Well,
obviously, let's talk about it, and

461
00:37:35.559 --> 00:37:39.599
let's figure out how we can reframe
those emotions so that they serve as well.

462
00:37:39.880 --> 00:37:45.440
It's okay to get angry in a
particular situation, but it's not okay

463
00:37:45.440 --> 00:37:50.679
to get angry because someone just cut
you off. Sure, absolutely, I

464
00:37:50.679 --> 00:37:54.119
think we bring a very holistic environment
where Look, I've been angry too,

465
00:37:54.440 --> 00:37:59.079
I've been anxious too. Oh my
gosh, what's your experience like right now?

466
00:37:59.199 --> 00:38:02.719
That must be so art. It
just it increases empathy, and perhaps

467
00:38:02.840 --> 00:38:07.440
that's the goal right now, well, empathy and love. You know,

468
00:38:07.480 --> 00:38:12.960
can you imagine a child that feels
like not only does their parent love them,

469
00:38:13.840 --> 00:38:20.480
but their parents supports them and them
becoming individuals and who they need to

470
00:38:20.519 --> 00:38:25.159
be. You know, living here
in Utah, there's there's tremendous imprints they

471
00:38:25.280 --> 00:38:31.760
go on religiously, whether it's you
know, it just does. And how

472
00:38:31.800 --> 00:38:37.000
do you how do you help a
parent to say, get away from those

473
00:38:37.239 --> 00:38:44.360
expectations and allow your child to become
who they are. Yeah, I would

474
00:38:44.440 --> 00:38:49.079
encourage that parent to look within themselves
as to see if if it's working for

475
00:38:49.119 --> 00:38:54.800
them. Because parents do imprint on
their kids. That's just reality. And

476
00:38:54.880 --> 00:39:01.320
so if the parent even has a
weird relationship or just a tough relationship with

477
00:39:01.800 --> 00:39:08.440
the dominant religious or cultural theme in
their neighborhood, there might it's very very

478
00:39:08.480 --> 00:39:13.400
likely that they're going to reflect that
discomfort in some way, even unconsciously.

479
00:39:14.280 --> 00:39:16.840
So I think we have to be
very honest with what we're feeling, and

480
00:39:16.920 --> 00:39:21.679
too many of us just got very
good And no, I'm going to ignore

481
00:39:21.719 --> 00:39:24.199
that that's not important right now,
but it is affecting us in some way.

482
00:39:27.480 --> 00:39:32.280
Level of self awareness is the goal, I think, and it's not

483
00:39:32.320 --> 00:39:39.719
the easiest thing to achieve. It
requires some pretty sometimes brutal honesty with ourselves

484
00:39:39.760 --> 00:39:45.039
as to what we really think and
feel and value about the things in our

485
00:39:45.079 --> 00:39:47.840
life. And if we're willing to
ask ourselves the tough questions, then we've

486
00:39:47.840 --> 00:39:53.039
done so much work to heal ourselves, which then in turn heals our kids

487
00:39:53.199 --> 00:40:00.599
and heals our communities. Well,
and yeah, I mean making parents aware

488
00:40:00.760 --> 00:40:06.840
that that's to me just becomes the
real challenge. But the real solution too,

489
00:40:07.440 --> 00:40:12.159
of making the parents that would be
aware that they or you know you

490
00:40:12.199 --> 00:40:14.159
need to do this. Well,
this is how it needs to be done.

491
00:40:14.199 --> 00:40:16.400
You need to do this, You
need to do that. Why are

492
00:40:16.480 --> 00:40:21.119
we afraid in general, and I
think we all are. Why are we

493
00:40:21.159 --> 00:40:25.320
afraid to actually be transparent? Open
up and say, you know what,

494
00:40:27.559 --> 00:40:31.440
child, I'm here to support you
in your values, in your beliefs,

495
00:40:31.840 --> 00:40:36.199
whatever is important to you, what
you're trying to accomplish. Let's figure out

496
00:40:36.199 --> 00:40:39.679
how we can do that. That
doesn't happen very often. And the question

497
00:40:39.800 --> 00:40:45.000
I'm asking you is why why do
we as individuals tend to not allow other

498
00:40:45.079 --> 00:40:52.119
people, not only allow, but
support other people to be themselves. I

499
00:40:52.239 --> 00:40:58.000
think we try to pretend like we've
got it all figured out. I think

500
00:40:58.039 --> 00:41:00.800
if we could get honest with this
one thing and be like, look,

501
00:41:00.119 --> 00:41:04.320
I'm guessing at this thing as much
as you are. I don't have it

502
00:41:04.400 --> 00:41:07.360
figured out, you know. I
think that sometimes we just put on these

503
00:41:07.480 --> 00:41:13.639
airs that we need to be bigger
than we are sometimes, and maybe there's

504
00:41:13.719 --> 00:41:17.880
humility that's invited here in that.
Look, this is confusing. Society is

505
00:41:19.000 --> 00:41:22.719
changing fast. I've got expectations on
me, child, I don't want to

506
00:41:22.719 --> 00:41:28.800
put extra expectations on you. How
are you doing with things well? And

507
00:41:28.920 --> 00:41:35.159
I think you're you hit it humility
versus pride number one number two, which

508
00:41:35.199 --> 00:41:38.280
is really interesting when you look at
it from a human behavior standpoint. I

509
00:41:38.360 --> 00:41:43.360
need to be right. Yeah,
there's a little lot tied up. If

510
00:41:43.400 --> 00:41:47.400
you disagree with me, you're you're
you know, you're stupid, because bottom

511
00:41:47.400 --> 00:41:52.199
line is I'm right. I meet
two types of people, those that need

512
00:41:52.199 --> 00:41:58.599
to be right and those that are
afraid to be wrong, and two very

513
00:41:58.719 --> 00:42:06.000
different perspectives on life depending on those
standpoints in their mindset, I can't be

514
00:42:06.079 --> 00:42:12.320
wrong, We'll create a whole series
of decisions and interactions around them. I

515
00:42:12.360 --> 00:42:16.360
will call them less than ideal versus
I always right. Also creates a very

516
00:42:16.360 --> 00:42:21.800
interesting set of circumstances. So I
would ask parents that question, do you

517
00:42:21.840 --> 00:42:23.039
need to be right or are you
afraid to be wrong? And how is

518
00:42:23.039 --> 00:42:29.320
that affecting your kids? Yeah?
Yeah, and it's funny my kids,

519
00:42:29.639 --> 00:42:32.159
Neil, dad, you always need
to be right? Well, yeah,

520
00:42:32.360 --> 00:42:40.280
so as my father before me.
That's right. Haven't you figured out I'm

521
00:42:40.320 --> 00:42:45.000
always right? But you know what
I mean. We come up with these

522
00:42:45.039 --> 00:42:50.000
things, and yet the reality is
is that we don't understand the effect that

523
00:42:50.079 --> 00:42:55.679
we have. I think if we
could you get anything across today for people,

524
00:42:55.960 --> 00:43:02.840
particularly parents and families and so forth, is lose the pride, develop

525
00:43:02.960 --> 00:43:08.719
that humility, don't be offended,
don't take things personally. And we can

526
00:43:08.760 --> 00:43:14.559
go into that whole thing, But
the reality is, what can I do

527
00:43:15.599 --> 00:43:17.480
to help you be the best you
can be? Can you imagine what relationships

528
00:43:17.480 --> 00:43:22.079
would be like in families in general, not just with kids, but between

529
00:43:22.119 --> 00:43:28.199
spouses. If the real attitude was
what can I do to support you and

530
00:43:28.280 --> 00:43:31.159
help you be the best you can
to be. It's a brilliant question and

531
00:43:31.519 --> 00:43:36.440
I love that question. What kind
of support do you need right now?

532
00:43:37.280 --> 00:43:42.880
And it another question that I don't
want to say forces introspection, but it

533
00:43:42.920 --> 00:43:45.840
does force a pause. What kind
of a support do I need right now?

534
00:43:46.079 --> 00:43:52.000
And the child, especially teenager,
like I just need somebody to listen

535
00:43:52.840 --> 00:43:55.960
or I just needed someone to tell
me I'm doing a good job. Those

536
00:43:57.000 --> 00:44:00.280
a very simple responses. But give
you a world been sighting to what's going

537
00:44:00.280 --> 00:44:05.159
on to that child? Tight?
Can you imagine staying all right, let's

538
00:44:05.679 --> 00:44:08.880
let's go out to lunch, let's
go some more private and let me listen.

539
00:44:09.199 --> 00:44:14.280
And in fact, it's really funny. This is a challenge for me,

540
00:44:14.320 --> 00:44:17.239
and I've learned it. But because
I've learned it, here's the question

541
00:44:17.280 --> 00:44:22.079
I asked my kids when they come
to me and wanted to talk. Do

542
00:44:22.119 --> 00:44:25.960
you want my opinion or do you
want me to listen? Well, once

543
00:44:27.000 --> 00:44:29.000
in a while I'll say, yeah, Dad, we want your opinion.

544
00:44:29.079 --> 00:44:31.679
Okay, I'll give it. But
I've learned that sometimes if I just give

545
00:44:31.760 --> 00:44:37.039
my opinion without asking that question,
they're feeling criticized, and so the communication

546
00:44:37.159 --> 00:44:40.800
isn't going well because they don't feel
like I really really support them and love

547
00:44:40.840 --> 00:44:45.639
them, Versus if I'm just listening, then I'm there for them and supporting

548
00:44:45.639 --> 00:44:49.400
them and listening to them, and
sometimes they'll share things if it happens to

549
00:44:49.400 --> 00:44:53.440
be with a relationship that it's like, holy cow. I sat down with

550
00:44:53.480 --> 00:45:00.320
my daughter the other day. She's
twenty six and in that different, you

551
00:45:00.320 --> 00:45:05.400
know, generation, and we have
found that sometimes we don't get along well

552
00:45:05.440 --> 00:45:07.960
because we're really opposite sides politically as
well as some of the other things.

553
00:45:08.400 --> 00:45:13.360
And finally I sat down with him
and I said, lex sweety, this

554
00:45:13.440 --> 00:45:16.199
is not what we who we are. And quite frankly, as you were

555
00:45:16.199 --> 00:45:21.599
growing up, we had an entirely
different relationship. What do we need to

556
00:45:21.639 --> 00:45:24.760
do? It's made all the difference
in the world, and we just tie.

557
00:45:24.800 --> 00:45:28.559
There are certain things we're not going
to talk about. Sure, it's

558
00:45:28.599 --> 00:45:34.400
a brave question because you might get
a very honest answer. And can we

559
00:45:34.440 --> 00:45:39.079
have that courage in every single relationship
that we have to ask that question and

560
00:45:39.119 --> 00:45:44.440
then not take things personally that that
becomes the challenges we so much let that

561
00:45:44.519 --> 00:45:50.719
emotion within us cause a personal reaction
to what someone says, versus allowing them

562
00:45:50.800 --> 00:45:54.960
just to have their opinion and never
taking it personally because it's their perception.

563
00:45:55.400 --> 00:46:01.039
It's their opinion, it has nothing
to do with us. It brilliant words.

564
00:46:02.199 --> 00:46:07.320
So what would you recommend to the
society, to individuals, to parents,

565
00:46:07.400 --> 00:46:13.840
to teachers, What do we do
to really help our children to become

566
00:46:13.880 --> 00:46:22.519
more emotionally stable and to start to
really focus on advocacy or prevention of suicide.

567
00:46:22.400 --> 00:46:25.639
First, I think that we need
to be very honest as adults ourselves

568
00:46:25.760 --> 00:46:30.000
about where our emotional range is at. Are we comfortable feeling our emotions?

569
00:46:30.079 --> 00:46:35.039
Because if we're not comfortable feeling our
own emotions, there's no way that we

570
00:46:35.039 --> 00:46:37.679
will be able to hold space and
be present for a child who's dealing with

571
00:46:37.880 --> 00:46:44.880
their emotions. The environment that these
kids are growing up and now is incredibly

572
00:46:45.000 --> 00:46:52.519
complex and much more dynamic than I
think our childhoods were, and so they're

573
00:46:52.599 --> 00:46:57.559
dealing with pressures that we did not
know, especially at a very transformative age.

574
00:46:57.840 --> 00:47:00.199
And so I think the very first
step is for to become very aware

575
00:47:00.239 --> 00:47:05.519
of how we're feeling about things.
And once we've achieved a space where we

576
00:47:05.519 --> 00:47:08.960
can be grounded and present for a
child, then definitely ask that question,

577
00:47:09.559 --> 00:47:14.639
how are you, what kind of
support do you need? How can I

578
00:47:14.679 --> 00:47:20.800
really be present and show up for
you today and really just encouraging that level

579
00:47:20.840 --> 00:47:28.519
of support. And what do we
do about social media? I don't know.

580
00:47:30.039 --> 00:47:34.400
I see it as a double ledged
sword. I love social media in

581
00:47:34.440 --> 00:47:39.199
so many ways. It's a creative
self expression. It's an outlet. I

582
00:47:39.239 --> 00:47:45.079
mean, I could sit and watch
videos and just watch people do amazing things

583
00:47:45.480 --> 00:47:49.880
well at the same time learning so
much about my world that I didn't even

584
00:47:49.880 --> 00:47:53.000
know existed. So I love it
for so many reasons. But I also

585
00:47:53.039 --> 00:47:55.679
have to look at the dark side
of that is that it puts our brain

586
00:47:55.719 --> 00:48:02.199
into trance like state. It can
phase lock us into one state of consciousness

587
00:48:02.199 --> 00:48:06.559
for a very very long time,
which feels like focus, but it's absolutely

588
00:48:06.559 --> 00:48:09.079
not. It's more of a like
a set of trance and before you know

589
00:48:09.119 --> 00:48:12.480
it, three hours have gone by, and you know, how could that

590
00:48:12.519 --> 00:48:15.639
time have been invested a little bit
differently? So I think it takes a

591
00:48:15.760 --> 00:48:25.639
very response responsible mindset to wield social
media properly. And I won't go so

592
00:48:25.719 --> 00:48:29.880
far as to say it's bad,
but I definitely think, like anything else,

593
00:48:30.000 --> 00:48:34.199
it just requires a little bit of
awareness and maybe some boundaries around it

594
00:48:34.239 --> 00:48:39.000
too. I've got a situation going
on and I started watching this particular series

595
00:48:39.000 --> 00:48:44.519
of shows, and all of a
sudden, I thought to myself, my

596
00:48:44.639 --> 00:48:51.599
attitude towards that situation is changing because
of what I'm watching. And you know,

597
00:48:51.800 --> 00:48:55.639
it's like I need to quit watching, and I did because it just

598
00:48:57.440 --> 00:49:00.760
it isn't worth it. Yep.
And that is your level of awareness that

599
00:49:01.079 --> 00:49:05.920
you can attribute to that. Without
a highly developed level of awareness, I

600
00:49:05.960 --> 00:49:09.039
don't think that switch comes on.
Yeah, yeah, it makes it tough.

601
00:49:09.079 --> 00:49:14.519
Anyway, we've run out of time, mad about that. This was

602
00:49:14.559 --> 00:49:17.400
a lovely conversation. We could go
on forever and ever, and so yeah,

603
00:49:17.400 --> 00:49:20.159
I'd love to get you back on
the show. We can have some

604
00:49:20.199 --> 00:49:25.719
more conversations. So how do people
find you? So? Yep, through

605
00:49:25.719 --> 00:49:32.239
my website It's www dot new Earthcoaching
dot com and I'm also on social media

606
00:49:32.320 --> 00:49:39.079
all the platforms as New Earth mindsets
wonderful and folks, thanks for listening.

607
00:49:39.159 --> 00:49:43.599
I hope this makes a difference for
you and that it'll at least cause you

608
00:49:43.639 --> 00:49:45.639
to think a little bit about what's
going on in your life and your family's

609
00:49:45.679 --> 00:49:51.000
life, and what changes might you
be able to instigate that could make a

610
00:49:51.079 --> 00:50:01.599
huge difference. Thanks for listening.
Hopefully you'll join us again soon. I know Richer