A Discussion about Mental Health and Suicide Prevention Advocacy

0:00 This program is designed to provide general information with regards to the subject matters covered. This information is given with the understanding that neither the hosts, guests, sponsors, or station are engaged in rendering any specific and personal medical, financial, legal counseling, professional service, or any advice. You should seek the services of competent professionals before applying or trying any suggested ideas. Fateful thanks for joining us today. I'm really excited about who I'm going to have on the show today. Her name is Jessica Rink, and she is an intuition mindset engineer. She works with businesses, mainly businesses and individuals to help them to change their mindset to be able to eliminate some of those negativity subconscious things that are going on that are creating a life that they really choose not to have.

0:56 And so I'm really excited to have her on the show. She's also experienced in our own life number of friends, younger friends who have committed suicide, and so we're going to talk a little bit about suicide prevention also and talk about just maybe a little slice of what we could do to help to contribute towards minimizing suicide within our area. So I hope you'll join us. I hope that you'll enjoy it. At the end of the day, it's not about what you have or even what you've accomplished. It's about what you've done with those accomplishments. It's about who you've lifted up, who you've made better. It's about what you've given back. Denzel Washington, Welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you to do the same. Jessica, how are you doing? I am so good? How are you good? I'm so pleased to have you on the show today. So I want you to explain to the audience what is an intuition mindset engineer. I'm basically an intuition coach. So I teach people how to connect with the intuitive voice that they have within them, because it's my belief that we're all intuitive, but most of us have forgotten how to listen to that inner wisdom within and so I help people reconnect with that lost part of themselves. You know. And it's interesting that you say that.

2:22 I was just doing a presentation earlier today in the networking group and That's one of the things I talked about. And I think that as I was looking at some of the notes that you had put in here, I think you talk a little bit about social media and how that can affect us, right, Yes, And one of the things I was talking about, and as really as understanding who we really are and the fact that there's so many influences, whether it's social media or religion or whatever, that sometimes we really don't know the goodness that lies within us, the divinity that lies within us, and who we are. For instance, you know, in the in the Christian community, bottom line is because of Adam and Eve, we're all evil, right, And so can you imagine living your life with that sense that innately I'm not good, that's I'm tough burden to bear, well, it is, and as fascinating that you're you're working with people to kind of overcome that whole concept, right. Sometimes, Yeah, it depends on where that person's internal narrative takes them, because our internal wisdom is meant to serve us at whatever stage we are in life. And so where I meet people, I find that they're largely disconnected from various traumas and storylines that have happened to them and with them throughout their life, and so we kind of untangle the knots in the subconscious mind. Depending on what those knots might be, it

3:57 might be relationship issues, it might be issue with feeling rejected by the church, it might be issues stemming in their business life. Money comes up a lot, so it really just depends on where that person's consciousness is at and what's got them all knotted up inside, you know. And one of the quotes that I used today was from Doctor Joe to spends Up, and it was fascinating because, you know, he talks about the fact that our personality is basically made up of all of those emotions and all of those experiences that in many cases are very subconscious in nature, but that makes up our personality. And as I was talking, I said, you know, not only does it make up our personality, but it also creates our perception of what's actually happening. So as you work with people, how how do you work with them to help them to actually really experience a new life, a different life the one they're experiencing right now, which may not be what they want.

5:03 Thank you so much for that question. It really is a sacred journey for a lot of people, because they don't realize that the personality they're operating within is largely constructive based on their traumas and fears and experiences that we're mostly negative for a lot of people. Imagine there's a lot of good stuff that's mixed in there too, but a lot of our personality is in reaction to what has happened in our lives and at least up until that point, and so it all is contained within the subconscious mind. So when people start to realize that this personality they're operating from is not the most ideal for them, they want to change, and so they dip into things like affirmations and vision boards and really trying to pitch a different construct of another aspect of them or another personality that feels more ideal to them. Where I find some issues with that is that until that person has really come to terms with that first personality that seems to be running the show, whatever they try to bring in and the next iteration of them, well, if the first one isn't dealt with, then the next one's harder to bring in. And so with the coaching that I perform with people is really trying to understand what's in that first personality that's not working. And we spend a little bit of time in the past, but we spend a lot of time and emotions and in that right brain and what aspects of their brain have been underutilized up until this point. And

6:36 I find with most people it's the underutilization of their emotions and connecting with the feelings that they have within themselves. Well, and I guess my question is, you know, and this is one of the things I was talking about today. We have an event that just occurred, whatever that happens to me, There is no emotion tied to an event, It just is what it is. But then as we observe that, then all of a sudden, we apply an emotion to that event, very much so. And those emotions come from. Where do you find that most of those subconscious emotions that whether they're good or whether they are not doing us any good, where do they come from? Definitely in the subconscious mind. And I find a lot of people try very hard not to feel certain emotions, especially in our society.

7:30 I think I find a lot of people try not to be angry, and they try not to be sad, But the avoidance of those emotions tends to make them a lot bigger in that person's experience. So repressing emotions kind of like pushing a beach ball underwater, And so you can push that thing down for as long as you can, but someday, at some point, that thing's going to come popping up. And if that person has no idea how to deal with that emotion, then it could be quite a bit bigger of a reaction than they might have anticipated initially. And you know, what comes to my mind is the quote that which we resist persists and so often.

8:11 But I want to go back to that question, though, what causes those emotions to exist within us subconsciously? Definitely, I think, at least from my experience and what I've experienced in my own life and with clients, what causes us to feel these emotions? I think we're attempting to experience life, and in that attempt, when we attempt to dive into the messiness that life can give us, there are certain reactions that come into play. And to be human is to be emotional. And I feel that if a lot of people what I perceive is to be a little bit of an endemic of trying not to feel. There's a lot of people who are avoiding emotions with things like social media, with lots of distractions, binge watching TV, binge watching you know, binge eating food and all of that, all in an attempt to just avoid certain things. And so where do emotions come from? It could be from the soul, it could be from us participating in our environment.

9:16 But you know, there's a lot of a range there. There's a big, big range of emotions that are available to us well. And as we talk about emotions, and I wasn't you know that question was probably a little skewed from what I was getting at. When you when you look at the emotions of a lot of your clients, are there some emotions that seem to be just consistent among all of the clients. There's a few that I come across quite a bit. And what are and what are they? Resentments? A big one resentment and what and what are they resenting? A lot of times when I meet people at this stage, resenting the fact that their life does not look like that they want it to. Okay, So resentments and emotion what about I'm not good enough? That tends to be a lot of shame. Shame and guilt tends to be at the bottom of that one, that I'm not good enough, will never be a good enough. A lot of rejection comes into play with that one, and so that one can be pretty common as well, especially in a culture where we've been taught that we need to sort of compete at a conscious and subconscious level, and so we're always in competition with something, even if it's the version of us from the day before. So there's this energy of just striving, which I think brings in a lot of that comparison, which lends itself to self rejection,

10:50 rejection from others, and then guilt and shame. We're all tied up in there, okay. And and if someone's experiencing that rejection, if they're experiencing that blame, that shame, that guilt, how does that showing their behavior and in their life experience. Tend to see people they look like they're hiding from something. They're sure they might participate in their lives, but they're holding something back. And that's the thing where I look at that personality structure and I said, oh my gosh, there's so much freedom on the other side of this thing. If we might start to wrangle that guilt or shame or anger or rejection or resentment, we break through that wall and that person starts participating in life very fully. Looking at that from the opposite perspective, when someone's not participating fully, they're tend to be holding a lot back. And I think it's it, you know, buy and large. Not to overgeneralize, but just if I show all of myself, then what will they think about me. I can't show these parts of myself because they're too bad, or they're horrible, or I haven't dealt with it yet, I'm going to get rejected. And so I just see people half participating in life, maybe even less well. And you know, the one thing that I look at is the perception. And obviously we're talking perception here, because right at the first we were talking about the fact that, you know, basically, we

12:22 are really good people. We have that wonderful divinity within us. We're really good, and yet all of these things somehow have come into our lives that have caused us the blame, the shame, the guilt, I'm not good enough, all those types of things, resentment, anger, whatever that happens to be. And it is fascinating to me to realize that, you know what, that's just their perception. You and I may look at you and I may experience exactly the same event, and based on our perception, it's going to be different. I was showing a picture today and it's a picture and you may have seen this one. It's of a black rabbit slash blackbird.

13:07 And when you look at it, it's really difficult to say which one it is. And so I was asking the group today what is it? Well, you know, half the half the hands one of them and they said, well, it's a rabbit, and the other half goes, no, no, no, no, it's a bird. And I'm going you're looking at the same picture, and yet look at the difference in your perception. And so the question is what do we find? What do you find? It creates that perception, and how do you help them to overcome that perception that may not be in their best interest because quite frankly, perception, I believe creates our life experience. If we feel like we're no good, guess what we're going to find people that treatise like we're no good, and that's going to be our life experience because we have to be right as a human being. That's it. And I think with a lot of the people that I've meet, they've had some pretty rough experiences at the beginning stages of their life that would inform them that this world is dangerous, or this world has people that cannot be trusted. Maybe you can't trust yourself. And ages zero to seven are pretty critical years for any humans development because it's within those years that the subconscious is really built upon how we perceive the world. And so there are children that had very uplifting and encouraging and emotionally supportive and emotionally

14:43 developmental environments who are probably pretty balanced in their perceptions. And then there are children who were not given that those opportunities to experience that, and maybe life was a threat. Maybe they had emotionally deregulated parents which caused them to question all relationships, especially relationship within themselves. And so does it come down to what happens at the early stages of our life. It does. Largely. There's a lot of energy. I call it energetic imprints because the way that I see these emotions, they rarely exist on their own. There's usually if there's guilt, there's shame. If they're shame, there's rejection. And so when you get these energies in someone's mindset, it's really going to drive the perception. Now what happens at some stage of our life, we do have to become responsible for what energies we're carrying. It may not be our fault that we were imprinted with X, Y, and Z, but it is our responsibility to change that which is not working for us so well. And yeah, and one of the questions that I've always asked is because I've noticed among many friends and acquaintances and so forth, that there are those that just are constantly living in that guilt, in that shame, and their life experience reflects that, and yet they're not aware that that is something that's actually causing the challenge and their life experienced. They're not aware of it. And number two, they're not aware that they can change it. And because it's actually

16:17 internal rather than external what they are experiencing, how do you help people? I mean, obviously, if someone's aware, they're going to call you for help, right, But when you're when you're out there in the public, or when you're with some friends and so forth, and you know, maybe even some close friends where you recognize that the life that they're experiencing is not what they want, and yet they're not even aware that there's a way to change. How do you help them to become aware? Because I think that I think awareness is the first challenge and the second challenge is the courage to do something about it. That So for me, it's I like to help encourage people to become aware in the most gentle way possible, because if that person's carrying around that kind of energy, the world is telling them that they're carrying it, and it's telling them in a very aggressive way. Somebody who's got major trust issues is going to have issues in their relationships right and they think like, oh, I can't trust anybody, and the world is going to give them situations where that's going to be very true until they decide to change that mindset. So for me, and when I work with people, are you aware that you're presenting like this? And that question are you aware?

17:37 Really is a beautiful invitation for self introspection And it's not as imposing as you're being this and you're being that and you're not aware of it, Because that's very aggressive, but are you aware my perception of you is? And so these are leading questions to encourage introspection. The second part that I lean on heavily is encouragement, because once people see another version of themselves, once they drop the stories at the pain and the stuff that's not working, then the truest version of themselves comes forward, the one that's been there all along, but that's been buried under all of these emotions and experiences that are less than ideal. I have a gift to be able to see that person, the second one, or at least the one that's been buried underneath, very very clearly. And I've always had this gift, and so my approach is just encouraging to the highest version of that person while also gently pointing out an awareness of the things that are less than ideal. Well, and it's interesting because you know you're as I look at your bio, I mean, this is not what you went to school for. You know, you have a master's degree and probablic administration, but you work with fortune five hundred companies.

18:55 You've worked with different companies. It's fascinating to me that as I was working with small businesses and doing some consulting with them. One of the first things I would say is, whatever principles were teaching you here, I guarantee you if you'll take them into your personal life, it's going to make a big difference for you. So have you found that from a personal perspective, as people are experiencing all of this, if you go into the business arena, do you find that it's exactly the same thing, and that that is either causing a lack of a success in a company or a real good success if they happen to be very healthy emotionally. I find that as goes leadership, so goes the company, and as goes leaders so goes the employees. And so why I do like to focus on the business community, and I have a bachelor's in business and a master's in public administration, is that first we tend to hide in our work and so all of these not ideal aspects of ourselves we take into the workplace and we try to pretend that nobody sees it.

20:02 Which we've done that long enough, and from my perspective, I think hopefully gone or the days where people show up fifty percent of themselves to work and they feel like they have to hide the other fifty percent that just sucks and that freedom that we're talking about, If we had a bunch of employees that felt very free in their expressions, we could have some very healthy workplaces very quickly. But again, leadership drives this narrative. And so we're starting to see very conscious companies start to invest in mindfulness and employee coaching that encourages people to deal with their stuff. Because healthy employees includes a healthy workforce, includes happy, fulfilled, productive economies, and that's where I think we want to live. And Okay, I think America's got a really good chance to get there. Well, we do if we can get the right leadership right well, and so as we talk about that, let's go back to the shame and the guilt. I was reading an interesting study the other day and it fascinating me. I've had a couple of nephews that have taken their own lives, have committed suicide, and so I was fascinated by what are some of the things. And they come from normal families. These are not families that are challenged families. These are normal, quote healthy families. And yet it still occurred. And as I was doing the studies. I found one study that talked about the fact that, and it was strictly within normal families,

21:37 that expectations and lack of really good communication are at least a couple of factors. Now, there are many, and we know that, but for their their experience, those things, the expectations and the poor communication, are part of what can contribute to a child's sense of lack of value to the point where they may even consider suicide. Now, what has been your experience with that, because I know you have had some extensive experience with suicide started at a very young age for me, where my first friend was nine when she took her own life, and it continued almost every two to three years from up through my twenties. It was very bizarre to have lost so many friends to this. What I observed was exactly as you said, the expectations that have been put on children to perform in certain ways, and if you don't get good grades, then you're not going to get into that good college.

22:48 Then what's going to happen to your economic security? And you're basically going to be destitute. And that was kind of the narrative that I think that we all heard growing up you have to perform in this environment. Some kids have the emotional resilience to do that and to do very well. Some do not. And what's the determining factor in that. Well, I think there's a lot of warning signs that we can be aware of, and it is looking at the mental health of children and how they're doing well. And I think it's really important. It's just that's why I brought up this story about perceptions. You know, you can look at a child. I could have looked at that group and say, oh, you all see the rabbit.

23:30 Well no, no, no, no, I don't see the rabbit. I see I see the bird. No no, no, you see the rabbit. That's what it is. Well no, no. And I think sometimes as parents, as teachers, as friends and all of those type of things, we don't realize that the other individual has their own perception and that as you say, you know, if you've got a child whose perception is is that those expectations are overwhelming, that becomes a problem. As I read this, I went to my kids and it's like, Okay, did I create because I was a single dad pretty much, did I create expectations on you that were well, did I and they're going, yeah, dad, you did, and my daughter's saying, yeah, dad, you did.

24:18 But it was okay because it wasn't unachievable expectations and it wasn't real hard, but you know, there was just that sense of we need to be the best we can and so on and so forth. I'm not sure that parents realize the tremendous expectations they either put on a child verbally or even non verbally, that can affect that child's mental health. That's it. I think with any expectation, if there's a baseline energy that that child feels loved, accepted, and hurt, you have a much likelier chance that that child will deal with the expectations and is willing to commute Kate when the expectations are too much or they're being overwhelmed. If that child has questions as to whether they're being loved, accepted, and heard, you might have a different story in terms of the expectations are being put forth as a way to earn or achieve said love and acceptance, and that happens commonly, but I definitely think it doesn't happen on purpose. I think it's we're a very busy society. And very very concerned about survival economically on many levels, and so there could be just some missed signs in this. But I think if we start with the baseline of love, we might be more okay with it. So do you find that if someone if the child has that perception of you know, not achieving what they need to achieve based on the expectations or whatever, do you find

25:49 that that ends up in acting out in their lives? Which then as parents or other people look at that going okay as a troubled child, do they usually act out? And is that really maybe the first sign that you know what, I've got to really look at this a little bit more carefully. Yeah, I'm definitely not a child behavior expert, but what I've seen out of various circumstances that I've been involved with, is that, yes, at some point the child is going to act out to someone. Now, they might not act out at home, they might act out at school because maybe at home it's dangerous environment that if they act out too much, there's punishment. So there's some kind of behavior that's happening somewhere that is outside of the social norms that that child's been taught and so in that there's probably a couple of warning signs. But I would also say that if the child seems pretty withdrawn, that would be a good idea to get the perspective on what's going on and really open up channels of communication. I've had the opportunity to work with foster kids, and that's a tough crowd because they expect adults to have some sort of expectation, or they've created an expectation on themselves. I need to act in a certain way in order to receive love or security, because as a foster kid, there's not a lot of security being offered in that.

27:25 Creating a space for the child to fully be themselves and be very open in that expression no matter what I think is important, but with guidance, because if a child's acting out, they're going to try to push the boundaries just a little bit, and depending on how the adults or caregiver responds, is going to continue to further that behavior. If the adult responds in such a way of love, acceptance, grounding and boundaries, rules and structure a little bit to create that felt safety, then we find that the children tend to settle into that environment and it's interesting that I see adults with this behavior as well. They tend to push on the boundaries of the people that are around them to see do you really love me? Are you going to stick around? And it's interesting that that behavior can be carried into adulthood as well.

28:18 And what do we do as parents? What do we do when we got a child that's acting out? What are the steps that we can take that at least can give us a better sense of what's really going on. I think you nailed it when you said communication is how do we nurture a safe place for communication? How are you experiencing your world is a great question to ask. What goes on day to day in your world? What emotions do you feel? And there's a large part of kids that I think they understand very intuitively how to be an emotional creature. But if they're in an environment where their emotions are being challenged, or they said, you know, I'm angry and the parents says, you're not angry, you're this, well, parents effectively just gasolt the children into not believing their own experience. So that's kind of a problem. If that child says I'm angry, great, we'll talk about your anger? How are you doing with that? And really just leaning in and nurturing that space for those emotions to exist without judging them or criticizing them, Because the second that an emotion feels judged or criticize, I guarantee you that child's going to shut down. Okay, And I've got a child that's acting up, and guess what happens. That's an event he's acting up. There's no emotion to it, maybe his, but there is no emotion. And yet what's that going to do to me? That's going to immediately bring up emotions in me that says, hey, you can't do that. So here's my question, and here, you know, here's the

29:49 thought I have. What responsibility do the parents have to actually heal themselves if they're really wanting to attempt to heal their children? Doctor Doug, you nailed it. That's it. It's a physician heal thyself first kind of situation where we need to be very honest with If we've got a child acting out in anger and we're triggered, what about that child anger is triggering us? There's probably some not dealt with anger within us that we need to address first. And you know, kids rely on us to be grounded individuals, and if we're not presenting ourselves in a grounded way, then that child automatically is not going to feel very safe in that environment and will continue to push boundaries.

30:37 Well, and can you imagine the communication of Hey, John, you're acting out and I have to tell you that it's really causing me to bring up some emotions within myself. I must have some triggers here that are causing that. Let's talk about it, and I need to work on my own emotions. But at the same time, let's let's figure out why you're acting out and so forth. I think that helps. Well, I definitely think that the complaints should go up, and so if that parent has got something that's going on with them, to definitely take that to a trusted advisor, therapist, or counselor to deal with those emotions. Too often, I've seen parents put their own emotional range on the kids, almost in an unconscious way of like help me fix this. And I've seen that way too much. And so then the child then becomes or feels responsible for the parents' emotional range and starts adjusting their behavior to compensate, which is not good. That will definitely affect the kid later on in life, and wouldn't be wonderful if they say, I'm going to go get some help and you're welcome to join me.

31:41 Let's figure this thing out. And you know, And I think that's the point I'm trying to make is I think that as parents, we have not only the responsibility, but the opportunity to really look at our children and rather than saying, there are children, they are our responsibility to help them to achieve the best that they can achieve in their lives. And when you change that mindset all of a sudden, it might even change the way you act and be towards your child. Absolutely. One of the things that I think is becoming so important is the free expression of where we're at at any given time. I think we're doing a very good job in our society said tongue in cheek, that it's okay to be you as long as you're you within these parameters. And I feel that there are certain expressions, especially emotionally, where if we got really good at just allowing people their experiences without it threatening us in some way, we would open up a lot of channels for healthy communication in our families in our workplaces and beyond that in our communities. So do you work at all with troubled children or with parents who have children, or with families or is your main focus business? I focus predominantly on adults.

33:05 I have worked with young adults before, and I do work with a few here and there, But I very much shy away from calling anybody in any experience troubled in some way because I feel that we've all got things that we work through, and any expression, as long as it's the authentic one, to me, is a very beautiful expression, especially if it's struggle, because struggle creates so much opportunity for growth and healing, and so any troubled team or troubled youth that I've ever worked with, even outside of this current career, I've always seen as a beautiful expression because I know that there's just a lot of opportunity for something to emerge on the other side of that struggle.

33:52 So what do we do here? We have a community, For instance, I live in Utah, all right. We have the highest percentage of mental illness in the country. We have a fairly strong and high rate of suicide as a state. Where are you from California originally, but I'm now in Colorado, Okay, and who knows what those stats are for there. But the reality is, what do we do? How can we help this to help help our children or young people, and sometimes suicide's coming about for other reasons and they're not children, their adults. How do we help the awareness? Number one? And then number two, how do we actually help to eliminate this high percentage of the mental illness of the suicide that's going on in our country. I think we have to open up the conversation around our emotions quite a bit. I think that it's there's an opportunity for us to not classify certain emotions as being good versus bad, because when we label an emotion is bad, we're effectively saying, all right, if you've carried this emotion, there's something wrong with you, and that's just not working anymore.

35:10 Known way too many people who have committed suicide where there's I didn't know anything was wrong, not until it was too late. And that's interesting because then now we're very much talking about what level of pain were they carrying that they could not talk about and searching my memory? Did we ever talk about a time when we were feeling upset about something. No, we kept things pretty light and fun and joking around, and we made jokes of our pain rather than saying, like, no, I'm really struggling. And had we had those discussions as teenagers and even adults, would the narrative have been different For some of my friends. I think so, I really do. But labeling things within ourselves as saying this emotion that I'm carrying is bad and there's something wrong with me, that's the first step to self rejection, which is one step closer to not feeling very good in that mental and emotional health. Okay, let me rephrase that a bit and see if you would change your mind with rephrasing it, that emotion is not serving me well. Difference between that and that emotion I'm bad because of that emotion, that emotion is bad.

36:22 There's a difference between saying that emotion is bad, therefore I'm bad versus that emotion is not serving me well, what do I need to do to change it? It's such a different question. And that emotion is not serving me well, what do I need to do to change it? There's that level of acceptance that comes in that question. It's not serving me. Well, there's something else that's more ideal. It's a very mature viewpoint, though, it's an extremely mature viewpoint, And so I think that if someone is able to be self aware enough to recognize, look, my anger, it's not serving me, what do I do about it? Great? There's like a ton of different activities therapy being one, coaching and other, journaling, meditation, all kinds of different modalities to help somebody come to terms with why they might be carrying that emotion so profusely. But I love that question, honestly.

37:15 If we could look at it from that perspective, I think would be pretty healthier. Well, and can you imagine the families if they were to look at that and all of them come together with that philosophy of hey, you know what, my emotions are not serving me, well, your emotions are not serving you. Well, obviously, let's talk about it, and let's figure out how we can reframe those emotions so that they serve as well. It's okay to get angry in a particular situation, but it's not okay to get angry because someone just cut you off. Sure, absolutely, I think we bring a very holistic environment where Look, I've been angry too, I've been anxious too. Oh my gosh, what's your experience like right now?

37:59 That must be so art. It just it increases empathy, and perhaps that's the goal right now, well, empathy and love. You know, can you imagine a child that feels like not only does their parent love them, but their parents supports them and them becoming individuals and who they need to be. You know, living here in Utah, there's there's tremendous imprints they go on religiously, whether it's you know, it just does. And how do you how do you help a parent to say, get away from those expectations and allow your child to become who they are. Yeah, I would encourage that parent to look within themselves as to see if if it's working for them. Because parents do imprint on their kids. That's just reality. And so if the parent even has a weird relationship or just a tough relationship with the dominant religious or cultural theme in their neighborhood, there might it's very very likely that they're going to reflect that discomfort in some way, even unconsciously.

39:14 So I think we have to be very honest with what we're feeling, and too many of us just got very good And no, I'm going to ignore that that's not important right now, but it is affecting us in some way. Level of self awareness is the goal, I think, and it's not the easiest thing to achieve. It requires some pretty sometimes brutal honesty with ourselves as to what we really think and feel and value about the things in our life. And if we're willing to ask ourselves the tough questions, then we've done so much work to heal ourselves, which then in turn heals our kids and heals our communities. Well, and yeah, I mean making parents aware that that's to me just becomes the real challenge. But the real solution too, of making the parents that would be aware that they or you know you need to do this. Well, this is how it needs to be done.

40:14 You need to do this, You need to do that. Why are we afraid in general, and I think we all are. Why are we afraid to actually be transparent? Open up and say, you know what, child, I'm here to support you in your values, in your beliefs, whatever is important to you, what you're trying to accomplish. Let's figure out how we can do that. That doesn't happen very often. And the question I'm asking you is why why do we as individuals tend to not allow other people, not only allow, but support other people to be themselves. I think we try to pretend like we've got it all figured out. I think if we could get honest with this one thing and be like, look, I'm guessing at this thing as much as you are. I don't have it figured out, you know. I think that sometimes we just put on these airs that we need to be bigger than we are sometimes, and maybe there's humility that's invited here in that. Look, this is confusing. Society is changing fast. I've got expectations on me, child, I don't want to put extra expectations on you. How are you doing with things well? And I think you're you hit it humility versus pride number one number two, which is really interesting when you look at it from a human behavior standpoint. I need to be right. Yeah, there's a little lot tied up. If you disagree with me, you're you're you know, you're stupid, because bottom

41:47 line is I'm right. I meet two types of people, those that need to be right and those that are afraid to be wrong, and two very different perspectives on life depending on those standpoints in their mindset, I can't be wrong, We'll create a whole series of decisions and interactions around them. I will call them less than ideal versus I always right. Also creates a very interesting set of circumstances. So I would ask parents that question, do you need to be right or are you afraid to be wrong? And how is that affecting your kids? Yeah? Yeah, and it's funny my kids, Neil, dad, you always need to be right? Well, yeah, so as my father before me. That's right. Haven't you figured out I'm always right? But you know what I mean. We come up with these things, and yet the reality is is that we don't understand the effect that we have. I think if we could you get anything across today for people, particularly parents and families and so forth, is lose the pride, develop that humility, don't be offended, don't take things personally. And we can go into that whole thing, But the reality is, what can I do to help you be the best you can be? Can you imagine what relationships

43:17 would be like in families in general, not just with kids, but between spouses. If the real attitude was what can I do to support you and help you be the best you can to be. It's a brilliant question and I love that question. What kind of support do you need right now? And it another question that I don't want to say forces introspection, but it does force a pause. What kind of a support do I need right now? And the child, especially teenager, like I just need somebody to listen or I just needed someone to tell me I'm doing a good job. Those a very simple responses. But give you a world been sighting to what's going on to that child? Tight? Can you imagine staying all right, let's let's go out to lunch, let's go some more private and let me listen.

44:09 And in fact, it's really funny. This is a challenge for me, and I've learned it. But because I've learned it, here's the question I asked my kids when they come to me and wanted to talk. Do you want my opinion or do you want me to listen? Well, once in a while I'll say, yeah, Dad, we want your opinion. Okay, I'll give it. But I've learned that sometimes if I just give my opinion without asking that question, they're feeling criticized, and so the communication isn't going well because they don't feel like I really really support them and love them, Versus if I'm just listening, then I'm there for them and supporting them and listening to them, and sometimes they'll share things if it happens to be with a relationship that it's like, holy cow. I sat down with my daughter the other day. She's twenty six and in that different, you know, generation, and we have found that sometimes we don't get along well because we're really opposite sides politically as well as some of the other things.

45:08 And finally I sat down with him and I said, lex sweety, this is not what we who we are. And quite frankly, as you were growing up, we had an entirely different relationship. What do we need to do? It's made all the difference in the world, and we just tie. There are certain things we're not going to talk about. Sure, it's a brave question because you might get a very honest answer. And can we have that courage in every single relationship that we have to ask that question and then not take things personally that that becomes the challenges we so much let that emotion within us cause a personal reaction to what someone says, versus allowing them just to have their opinion and never taking it personally because it's their perception.

45:55 It's their opinion, it has nothing to do with us. It brilliant words. So what would you recommend to the society, to individuals, to parents, to teachers, What do we do to really help our children to become more emotionally stable and to start to really focus on advocacy or prevention of suicide. First, I think that we need to be very honest as adults ourselves about where our emotional range is at. Are we comfortable feeling our emotions? Because if we're not comfortable feeling our own emotions, there's no way that we will be able to hold space and be present for a child who's dealing with their emotions. The environment that these kids are growing up and now is incredibly complex and much more dynamic than I think our childhoods were, and so they're dealing with pressures that we did not know, especially at a very transformative age.

46:57 And so I think the very first step is for to become very aware of how we're feeling about things. And once we've achieved a space where we can be grounded and present for a child, then definitely ask that question, how are you, what kind of support do you need? How can I really be present and show up for you today and really just encouraging that level of support. And what do we do about social media? I don't know. I see it as a double ledged sword. I love social media in so many ways. It's a creative self expression. It's an outlet. I mean, I could sit and watch videos and just watch people do amazing things well at the same time learning so much about my world that I didn't even know existed. So I love it for so many reasons. But I also have to look at the dark side of that is that it puts our brain into trance like state. It can phase lock us into one state of consciousness for a very very long time, which feels like focus, but it's absolutely not. It's more of a like a set of trance and before you know it, three hours have gone by, and you know, how could that time have been invested a little bit differently? So I think it takes a very response responsible mindset to wield social media properly. And I won't go so far as to say it's bad, but I definitely think, like anything else,

48:30 it just requires a little bit of awareness and maybe some boundaries around it too. I've got a situation going on and I started watching this particular series of shows, and all of a sudden, I thought to myself, my attitude towards that situation is changing because of what I'm watching. And you know, it's like I need to quit watching, and I did because it just it isn't worth it. Yep. And that is your level of awareness that you can attribute to that. Without a highly developed level of awareness, I don't think that switch comes on. Yeah, yeah, it makes it tough. Anyway, we've run out of time, mad about that. This was a lovely conversation. We could go on forever and ever, and so yeah, I'd love to get you back on the show. We can have some more conversations. So how do people find you? So? Yep, through my website It's www dot new Earthcoaching dot com and I'm also on social media all the platforms as New Earth mindsets wonderful and folks, thanks for listening.

49:39 I hope this makes a difference for you and that it'll at least cause you to think a little bit about what's going on in your life and your family's life, and what changes might you be able to instigate that could make a huge difference. Thanks for listening. Hopefully you'll join us again soon. I know Richer