Dean Sikes: You Matter—Hope & Suicide Prevention for Teens

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0:44 Denzel Washington, welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you to do the same. Dean, Welcome to the show. Hi, it's great to be with you. Thanks for this opportunity. Well, I'm really really I have you on the show today. I know that if I understand correctly, September is actually suicide prevention month. Is that correct? It is? This is a big, big month for what we do throughout throughout the year. Throughout the years. This is basically when the entire world turns its attention to just the subject of suicide and why it's such an important topic to discuss. Okay, what I'd love for you to do is kind of share your journey with the audience, your background and so forth, and what brought you to doing what you're doing, and your focus on suicide, because I know you really have a huge focus and are contributing tremendously.

1:37 Is suicide prevention? Yeah? Well, I have been speaking predominantly in high schools throughout America and different parts of the world since January first, nineteen ninety three. I've spoken now over four thousand, three hundred events, and we have shared this message. It's a message that says God loves you, He's got a plan for your life, and because you're breathing, you matter. And we've shared it with literally millions of teenagers who come from all walks of life, every imaginable social class. And what makes our outreach a little different maybe is we never charge anyone anything. We freely comeing, just do what we believe we're called to do, and lots of doors open as a result of that. What began us in all this, you know, I grew up in a pretty standard, if you will, American home. Became a Christian at seven years old, but I had some defining moments in my life Doug that kind of changed my life at seven.

2:25 I became a Christian at fifteen years old on a Wednesday afternoon, at three forty in the afternoon, unbeknownst to me that it was getting ready to happen. But I was sexually abused, and sixty seconds changed the trajectory of my life. At seventeen years old, I had made a vow that I would never tell anyone what had happened to me. At seventeen, I felled pe. Even though I played quarterback, tall tennis and played golf. I was plenty athletic. I wasn't going to change close in front of anyone. At eighteen and nineteen, my drug of choice was lying. I lied more than I ever told the truth because I didn't like me. And the second greatest commandment ever written is to love your neighbor as yourself. But if I don't love me, I can't love you. I can't give what I don't have. And so I was living this very non authentic life, trying to just create an image that people would like, because I was so terribly broken and insecure. That went on for but four years, and at twenty one I was through. I just had enough.

3:21 The pressure was too much, the life was just not worth living in my mind. But I said a real simple prayer, one that I said, God, if you're real, and I don't think you are, but if you are, and you've have something for me to do, prove it. And I tell teenagers, don't ever ask the creative of the universe to ask to prove you that he's real unless you're ready. And two weeks later, I'm sitting in my office dialing a phone and as I'm dialing this phone off behind me to my left, I heard someone say, call mom. I swung around in my chair, saw no one but the hair on the back of my ears. New to call my mom, and I did. And when I called my mom, at that precise sense of that, I believe God spoke to me to do so. My mom was attempting suicide, she was dying, and I could hear the life leaving your body. I remember running out of that office, getting into my cart Interstate seventy five in the United States, and as I got to my parents home.

4:08 From the outside end, everything looked fine. It was safe, secure, probably like where everyone's where people live. But from the inside out, my mom was dying. I see millions of teenagers and from the outside end they appeared to have it all together. But from the inside out there in their own private wars. That day, short version of this story is I got to do a hospital and as we're driving, she says, Dean, I can't be dying. I said, Mom, you're not going to die, but you're going to have to choose to live. And the most important wording that sentenced to me is not lived, it is choosed. Because choices create circumstances. And I got to a point where when I got to the hospital, the doctors threw me against the wall, rushed in the emergency room, and forty five minutes later, this er doctor walked over to my dad and said, there is no metal reason to tell you what I'm getting ready to tell you. It is a quote miracle of God. Your wife is fine, you can go see her. I heard miracle of God spoken by that doctor, and I was like, you've got to be kidding me. You're real. And that day I knew in my heart I didn't hear any more voice. But I had a leading that I was supposed to begin traveling and speaking. And it took several three or four years before I would ever find the path for myself, but I did. And so since then, it's been a constant message and messaging to high school teenagers, the prisons, to teen challenge centers, to churches, just a message where I go in and share my story and I unpacked this whole thing on why suicide cannot be the option that we choose. And I'll just say this, and I'll kind of just quiet down, but I've learned this that what you and I overcome oftentimes becomes our platform. And that

5:39 is what happened to me. Amen to that, and you know, I found that to be so true, so true, And you know, that's quite a quite a fascinating story. And for you, you never considered suicide, Eve though I went through that whole thing. Never did I was, but I was. I was tired of living the life of being fa plastic and non authentic. I wanted real. And when I discovered that He is real and that he has a plan for my life, that's when I got real intentional about getting getting some help and moving forward in a healthier lifestyle. Okay, And you know, obviously we're talking theologically here. You're Christian. You know I have a firm belief also and the Savior and the Father. But I know a lot of the audience that may be listening may not have that type of faith. So as you're working with people, and with young people particularly who may not have that type of background of faith, how do you work with them and help How do we help the audience to understand that this is a general important topic and it's not necessarily that you have to have that faith, although there's no question that having that can make a big difference.

6:55 Sure, And that's a great question what I share with audiences every time I speak, I begin, no matter where I am, with a very simple statement, and here it is, I'm not here to try to talk you into anything today. And here's why. If I could talk you into something today, somebody is so much better than me can talk you out of it tomorrow. The thing about truth, and I talk about it in my book, is truth is always truth. And I believe inborn into every human is a desire to connect with truth. And so when I talk about your life matters. I base it on sixteen words that are found in one Bible verse. It's in Job chapter thirty three, verse four, and it says this, the spirit of God made you, and the breath of the Almighty gives you life. Teenagers asks me, They go, well, Dean, you don't know me. You don't know what I've done, you don't know my background, you don't know my backstory, and yet you tell me with such confidence that I matter.

7:47 What do you base that on? And I always just smile and go so happy you asked here it is you matter for one reason. It's not your last name. It's not how much money your parents make. It's not your athletic ability, your theatrical ability, you're academic look ability. All those are what kind of gives you. But what makes you special, What makes the truth that you do matter, is it comes down to one thing you're breathing. You were never God has never made a mistake. You were created on purpose, with purpose and for purpose. And whether people believe in this God that I'm talking about or not, the reality is they were created. They didn't just happen. They're here on purpose. And as a result, I just invite people into a discovery of their own that says, wait a minute, I am here, I am breathing, and as a result, there must be something for me to do.

8:36 And so it's it's the most interesting. And there are a lot of people out there that Doug go, well, you know, you're you're oversimplifying this message, and I very simply and go, well, thank you for recognizing that I am. And that's that's very intentional on my part because it's a simple message. And you know, I think it's so important. As I've interviewed hundreds and hundreds of people on personal development, overcoming you know, suicide out type of things. The one thing that I recognize is that there is this concept, as you mentioned, that there has to be this identity. There needs to be an understanding that within us there is that light, there is that spirit, there is that godliness, whatever you want to call it. And even for those, as you say, that are not necessarily religious.

9:24 Need to know that yet there is that life within you. And you know, so often our lives have become a story that we've told ourselves based on so many stories that we've been told by our parents and by religion and everything. And so here's one of the questions I have and I always love to get into this, you know the root cause? Now, I will tell you I've had three nephews that have committed suicide, and two of them were younger. One of them was actually a lot more mature and a lot older. And as I've looked at that, I wonder, you know, is what is the cause?

10:06 Now? It's easy, if not easy, but you know, to find to talk about how do we get to the point where we don't consider suicide as one thing. But what I've recognized is that there may be some causes in general that lead someone to that thought process. As you've done this, have you found that there are some general categories or causes that can causes to happen. Yeah, you know, it's a couple of things to respond to. That. One is I've talked with a lot of students who've attempted but survived, and I've talked to a lot of parents who have buried their children, and a lot of times.

10:48 Just recently, I was sitting with it with a family that I happened to know, and they reached out to me and their child had had ended his life, and I walked into their home and I walked in with just this kind of this feeling of I don't have to have answers for them today. I think they just need to be heard. So I'm just gonna sit and listen, and if I'm led to say something, I will. I remember I sat down and the dad was very angry, very angry. The mom was, you know, extremely emotional, but she was more of a she had it together. And they said, you know, there were just no signs. We didn't see any signs whatsoever. And a lot of times teenagers who've attempted in who have survived or said to me, Deane, it's like there's this hopelessness that just overtakes us. There's just no we see, no hope for our future. And they begin to talk about how in their mind they have this almost this dark, ominous, evil cloud that comes into their minds how they would describe it to me, and it becomes this overpowering, overshadowing portion of their mind.

11:48 And then they hear this voice and it's always the wrong voice, and it's to end their life. As a Christian, I go back to Jesus came to give us life and life more abundantly. The Bible talks about how there was an appointed time for everyone to be born and to die. Well, my belief is those appointments I'm not in charge of, and God doesn't need my help on either side of them. And so the hopelessness is the biggest thing that we encounter in public schools, private schools, Christian schools, alternative schools. Young people who just say, I just don't see any track forward from me and for the life I want to live, and they literally buy this unimaginable evil lie. And it's always fast. Suicide, in my view, is the fastest depth that exists on the planet.

12:33 Today, and it totally interrupts that plan of when they're to die. Yes, necessarily, you know, but here's for me, And you can correct me on this if you don't believe this, But I find that you know. And again I think the important thing and you kind of brought it up. We cannot blame anyone necessarily for those young people that commit suicide, and I think parents take such blame. I feel so guilty. What could I have done, I didn't see it, so on and so forth. But I will say that in one particular case that I'm aware of, I really believe that medication. I know that one of my nephews was struggling a little bit in school. I was encouraged to put them on a little bit of medication, and I happened to have a I've been studying this a lot, and I recognize that one medication goes to another, goes to another. And ultimately, when my one nephew passed away, he was on really an anti anxiety drug that six months later they realized that one of the side effects was suicide.

13:44 Wow. And so I don't know if you get into that with parents at all, about being so careful about the medications that their children are put on and looking at alternate ways with learning disabilities. I know that I have one that has some learning disabilities and the school was saying, all right, we need to put him on Redlin. Or whatever, and I go, no way. And I happened to go to a workshop by a psychologist who was talking about this very thing, and he talked about the fact that in schools we teach one way and that's the only way, and yet our children have different ways of learning.

14:26 The spacial thinkers. My son happened to be a spatial thinker, and we had some other issues that we've talked about now that he's much more mature, and and what I did in his case is I bought him upon pilot because he was very much a spatial thinker yep. And so well, what happened. He'd be in class and a bird would happen to fly on to the window and he'd look over there, and something would happen over here, and he'd look over there and you know, to the to the teacher, you know, you really need some help. You're adhd or whatever that happens to be. And so I bought him upon pilot and I I said, look, you take this to school and use this. And he focused on that and it made all the difference in the world for him.

15:08 Now, I will say I had a few teachers come to me and seeing he's changing the channel on our TV while we're trying to try all But the bottom line is is that by giving him a focus, it made all the difference in the world. So do you talk about medications at all with parents. I don't. I usually do not get into that because that's just not I'm not trained in that way. I'm not educated in that way. I'm not against medication as long as it's the medication that's right for each individual child, you know, and that's that's a conversation between parents and doctors. So I don't ever really go into that world just because I'm just not trained in that world, and I happen to be against it.

15:48 I happened to be against it because I saw the result in one of my nephews. So as you look at some of the root causes, what is creating this story within their minds of hopelessness. Well, one of the biggest things that we could talk about is the impact of social media globally on today's teenagers. Globally, every day in American around the world, five thousand, six hundred teenagers attempt to end their life five thousand, six hundred pre COVID it was five two hundred and forty in an arena that seeks twelve thousand people. That arena would fill up every two and a half days with teenagers who in the previous sixty hours bought to lie. So one of the things that I talk a lot about in schools with teenagers as it relates to social media is, for example, in our outreach in the last twenty five months, we've had one hundred and sixty three million views of our videos on social media. Well, I'm thankful for that. We know every high school i'd go into, teenagers come up and go, hey, I watch videos, and no matter where I am, it happens. And again, grateful for that. But notice I didn't say I'd count my likes.

16:52 Here's the message that I share with parents, and because a lot of parents are own social and they're counting how many people like what I said today. If you're still your likes, you have no idea how much you're truly loved. Views are one thing. Teenagers today are trying to figure out, how can I get more likes? How can I get more retweets? How can I get more people following me? And they're using filters, they're changing this. They're just trying to fit in. And I have met a lot of students who either had dear friends in their life or attempted in their lives, or they've attempted because the peer pressure on social media to perform and to be accepted is off the charts. And in my view, social media was created to connect people, but it's become the most singular, isolating tool that the earth knows today.

17:39 Well, and unfortunately social media is there's so much falsehood that's being generated as truth. I find it interesting as I'm listening and oftentimes to something and I go, wait a minute, that can't be true. So I'll immediately do the research. I'll go to Chadgie and say, okay, here's what's being said true, and no it's not true. And yet there are bald faced. Lies that are being told. And particularly with our youth here, they are being told something that they believe is true, which can so much affect their whole life and their whole thought process.

18:23 Yeah, it's and the reality is they're trying to find their value based on something that may or not be true, like you're talking about. And and so my suggestion to teenagers is why don't we just be the the authentic version of who you truly are. And let's let's not worry about how many people are liking what we're doing or following us. Because you know, even with the number of people who follow us on social media, if I say stuffing they don't like, they can hit one button and I'm gone off. They're off their screens, off their off there. It's amazing to me and the average teenager. According to the Center for Disease Controls in Atlanta, Georgia, the average teenager today spent up to nine hours every day on his or her device. Nine hours. Wow. I grabbed my toe the other day with the TikTok and just started scrolling. Forty eight minutes later I looked up and I went, Wow, that was addictive. Those are forty eight minutes. How many never get back? Yeah, and they're doing up to nine hours a day. I mean that number just staggers me.

19:27 Well, and there are some other issues also, because you look at that from social media, and there's no question that that's a major issue. But also what about. The imprints that these children receive unknowingly necessarily from parents, unknowingly or not necessarily unknowingly, from schools, from society, from religion, even which I think we have to be careful about to at the point where you know what, I'm not good, I'm not good enough. Do you address those issues at all? Yeah? I do talk about it from the stay I talk to parents about. You know, it's it's a very unhealthy process to try to remitigate your life to the life of your children. Meaning if you're trying to get your kid to play a certain sport because you did and you want to relive those glory days. And that kid is not interested in that sport. Yet you're pressuring them to perform. You're setting them up for epic failure. If you are trying to get them to become someone. Because here's here's what I've seen so often is that broken teenagers become broken adults, and brokenness attracts brokenness, and when two become one flesh and they recreate, they create brokenness until until there's healing that comes. And so a lot of students to me, come up to me and they'll go, you know, I just would love to be able to talk to my parents. I just don't know what to say.

20:50 And I have so many parents say to me, I would love to talk to my teenagers. I don't know what to say to them. And again by suggesting what, let's turn the phone off, let's begin there, put your phone away and just try to have a conversation, because at the end of the day, teenagers still desperately, whether they realize it or not, are in desperate need at boundaries, and so many parents are trying to be their kid's best friend. Your teenager doesn't need to be your best friend at all. They need what you offer as a mom, a dad, or a father or a mother. There's a big difference. Dads give you what you want, but fathers give you what you need. And I'm seeing such a deficit in fatherhood where young people are like, wait, my dad's just never around. And for the parents listening to this, I can assure you, as someone who's done this for almost thirty four solid years, teenagers spell love t I M.

21:45 They want your time. Well, and they want they want communication. And you know what surprises me as you say, you know, broken parents cause broken children oftentimes. And yeah, so you know we get into this whole issue of how do I how do I change myself first so that then I can be a positive influence for my children. Yeah, it's it comes first of all. I believe it comes down to first acknowledging something needs to change, something needs to be healed, something needs to be fixed for me. Interesting story I shared this from stage a lot. You know, I had made a vow when I was fifteen that I would never tell anyone I'd been sexually abused, and I maintained that vow For twenty two years, no one ever knew. Married with three kids, and my wife didn't know.

22:37 But there was a day that she asked me to go to a place called home Depot, which is a massive you know, do it yourself. That's not me. I was lost as a goose in there. But I went down all twenty one and I turned right and I literally walked right into the person who twenty two years earlier had sexually abused me. Wow. I squeezed my kid's hands so tight that both screamed. I just froze. Keep in mind, if you and I do not deal with our emotions, our emotions will deal with us. They don't just magically disappear. I froze, squeezed their hands, turned around, walked it out, drove home. My wife looked to me when I got hunt you, what's wrong? I said, not right now. I'll give you a few minutes, put our kids to bed. An hour later, we went outside on our front porch and I said, I want to I don't want to tell you this, but I need to tell you this. I said, I've never had the guts to tell anybody, but twenty two years ago I was sexually abused, and today I ran into the person.

23:31 My wife took two steps back, her eyes filled with tears. I'll never forget this, and she said, Dean, everything makes sense. Now we've got to get you some help. And I share that to say, oftentimes we just bury the pain, we bury the whatever, We bury the incident, we bury the experience, thinking it's just going to go away. But yet suddenly when they were going somewhere and somebody cuts in front of us in our vehicle, and we get so angry. We're not angry that somebody cut in front of us. That's a secondary emotion. That anger is being driven by something much deeper. Something triggered that. And so for me, I was invited into a Christian based counseling appointment excuse me, and I didn't want to go. I had a lot of pride and I thought, I don't need this. This guy's not gonna help me. And my wife said, if you were diagnosed with a sickness, would you go to a doctor? I said, well, sure, she goes no different, you're going. And so I went. And there was this ninety second stare off. But this gentleman looked at me. I looked at him, and I knew this guy did not need me. I needed him and that.

24:36 I said, what would it look like if you and I were to do that? He said, it'd be a conversation. He said, I don't want to talk about your outreach. I don't want to talk about the people you reach. I don't want to talk about all the books you've written. I don't want none of that. I'm interested in you. And for me, that was something new that somebody was really just interested in me. I said, okay, let's begin. That conversation lasted eleven years. Wow. Well, during those eleven years, I was asked a question that this is kind of where I was going. The question was this, will you forgive the person who abused you when you were fifteen? My immediate response, as a Christian, no, not even Maybe They were like why, I said, it's not fair. I did nothing wrong. This question was imposed, what was the cross? Fair? Meaning the cross that Jesus was kungo. I just kind of just froze, kind of said, I'll get back to you two about three or four days.

25:22 But I did not go to the person, but I did forgive, and I would love to tell you that everything changed in that moment, but I felt nothing different. But you know, faith isn't about feelings, It's about obedience. And I just forgave and I did it in a very sincere way. And it wasn't long thereafter. I woke up one morning and I experienced what forgiveness does? It sets us free? That person who sactually abused me could walk into an arena when I'm speaking, there's fifteen thousand teenagers there, could walk down to the front of that arena, sit on the front road, look directly, and it wouldn't phaze me in the least because I truly am free. And again I go back to what you and I overcome becomes our platform. You know, for me, I was sexually abused. I was emotionally abandoned by my mom when I was four and a half five years old. I was rejected by people. I was bullied. I didn't think that my life mattered. I didn't feel like I was anything special, and yet I was so arrogantly confident because it was a false sense of confidence on the outside.

26:21 All of that, somehow I was able to kind of get through became the platform of my life. And now all I'll talk about is how your life matters well. And you know what's interesting, and we talked about it at the very beginning that so often, you know, parents will blame themselves. And as we're talking, we're talking about the fact that you know, if you are troubled as a parent and have never really done that self development and whatever, that can necessarily fall onto your children too. And yet I think we need to understand that this is life. We are who we are, and we all experience these things, and oftentimes it has nothing to do with responsibility. You know, what happened to you was not your responsibility. What's happened to me in my life at least, you know, the things that I could not control, I couldn't control. And so when you're working with peasant parents, there's there's two things I want you to focus on for a minute.

27:21 One is how do they how do they learn to overcome their own personal issues. It's interesting that your wife was so aware but didn't know why, and potentially I don't know how it was affecting your kids. But you know, I look at my child. I've got four kids, and there's no question And we laugh about it now because we did develop communication, really open communication, but we laugh about the fact that, you know how I influence them sometimes oftentimes for the good, and they really appreciate that, and sometimes it's like they travel a little bit with that. So as you work with parents, how do you help them number one, to really recognize that their own personal challenges are affecting their children and that for the good of not only themselves but their children, doing that self work such as you did, really will make a difference.

28:20 Number two, Learning the art of communication and conversation so that those children who really do need to talk to someone will feel comfortable enough to be able to talk to their parents. And number three number three, I do this all the time. Number three, how do you help parents to get away from their guilt that they impose on themselves if they have had a child who has committed suicide? Yeah, So the number two question, the communication is so important. I growing up with our family, my wife had this idea and it was it was kind of a It just worked. We did what we call high low. What was your high today? What was your load to day?

29:08 I've learned that if we can, if we can invite young people into conversations by leading with questions, you know, what was it like today. What made that your high today or what wead is notious? It was what was your load to day? And why what happened in there? Because teenagers want to be heard and they need to be seen, so that that's that's one thing. So the lines of communication, even if you feel like you're not doing it well, just keep showing up. Just keep showing up. With regards to parents who have who have lost a child to suicide, it and the guilt, I mean, first of all, no one knows what you feel. No one even someone who's experienced it in their own version that they don't know what you feel. And I think there's a place in a space there to just embrace the truth that you know what, as bad as it is, you can't take the responsibility for it. Even I've talked to some parents who are like, you know, I just wasn't a very good parent. I pushed my child so hard.

30:05 As as remedial as this sounds, this is what I share with people. Yesterday ended last night, and mul's not promised to anyone. So we've been given this gift called today again as a Christian and that's where I come from it in my perspective. I believe that there is eternity. I believe that you will die and go either to heaven or hell. That's what I believe. Well, I believe there's a lot of people who've experienced suicide who were Christians. I believe those people are in heaven today. I just believe that. And I believe that if we can unpack the pain and not be afraid of the pain, but go you know what is this has happened, It's real.

30:45 It can control the rest of your life, or it can define the rest of your life. Pain seeks pleasure. If you see people who've really been through painful and just unimaginable painful situations, a lot of times they end up in addiction at some point because they're trying to just numb out. They're trying to anethesize. Now, they're not bad people, they're just hurting and they're trying to figure out, how can I get through the next you know, not the next day, the next twenty minutes, the next two minutes. So my thing when talking to parents is don't I don't have all the answers. I'm not gonna The most honest answer I give people is simply, I just don't know. I don't know why this happened to your son or your daughter. I don't have the answers for that. But I know that you're still here, and I know that you're still breathing, and I know that there's something for you to do, And how can you take this pain and turn it into purpose? What was your first question?

31:35 There al those three place The first one's left me. Really helping the parents themselves. Yeah, yeah, first recognitions have to battle, you know. I had to recognize that I was broken, and then I had to unpack why was I broken? And then I had to unpack from that what was that brokenness creating in my life? How was I being a husband? How was I being a father? How was I being a speaker? Was I as an employer? I mean, all these different tentacles coming out of this one thing that would literally just dictate my life. Why did I like certain things? Did it? Did it feed a part of my ego that was unhealthy? I mean, it's truly an introspective, diagnostic look at our lives and going, if we're going to do this, let's let's do it in real time. Let's let's be real with ourselves. Let's be honest, because when we do that and we're not afraid of what we're going to find and discover, that puts us on a path, in my view, where we can then begin to see the healing process begin. We can see those those that healing come in. And here's what I've learned. When we are truly healed, it's noticeable. I've had people in my life that I've known for a long time to come to me and go I had someone in my family not read not long ago, who was at an event where I was speaking. They came up to me afterwards and they were like, I don't know what's changed, but man, this message I mean, it is It's unlike any other time I've ever heard you speak. And this person's been around for thirty years. And I was like, well, here's here's what's changed me. I realized I needed some things

33:08 fixed in my life, and I'm not I'm not I'm not opposed to getting some help. I'm not opposed to digging down deep and going what needs to be fixed. And if we're honest with ourselves, none of us are perfect. We're all broken people, we all have issues. Why run from them, embrace what it is, believe for a way to fix it, and then move forward. Well amen to that, you know, and you you said something that really triggered me a little bit with the thought. You know, you talk about mainstream Christianity, heaven and hell and so forth. As I've studied, it was interesting since I'm in Thailand, you know, I've been fascinated by the different lots of these religions, whatever you want.

33:49 To call them. And it was interesting here in Buddhism that here you have the original teachings and now it has moved into probably five or six different types of sex that believe and teach different things that have kind of been created by man's concept and interpretation. In Christianity, look how many churches and philosophies exist, you know. And as you talked. About that, and I think that one of the things and I talk about this is trying to be kind but recognizing that, you know what, sometimes religion has created the very issues we're trying to get out of. For instance, for those that believe that were born in original sin.

34:38 I don't happen to believe that, okay, but some do. Well, what does that do when someone listens to the scripture be there for perfect Well, how can I be that when they don't recognize that that has been misinterpreted from the original meanings. You've got that when we talk about, you know, committing suicide and oh my goodness, they're not going to heaven, they're going to hell. Well, guess what When Christ was on the cross and that that guy next to him, who literally was a criminal, yep, what did what did Christ say to him? I'll see you later on the day. He said, You'll be with me in paradise.

35:20 Yep. All right, So here's the question. When he came back and was resurrected and saw Mary, what did he say to her? Go and tell my disciples? No, he said, touch me not? Why? Oh why? Because I've not been to I've not been to Heaven yet. I've not been to my father in heaven. So all of a sudden, we can recognize that, you know what, it isn't just heaven or Hell. Let's open our minds up a little bit. And realize that, you know, there's there's something that he referred to as paradise that is a step. Before heaven and Hell. And as we recognize that, and as we regie that even that criminal was there with Christ in paradise. Why can't we understand that our children, those that have committed suicide for whatever reason beyond necessarily their control, are going to be in a location where they could be and influenced by that goodness of the Savior. And it has nothing to do with heaven and hell. So it's interesting, I think, for people to understand that there are all different types of thoughts, processes, and beliefs and interpretation. But if we move away from some of this just you know, black and white, that we can give them hope.

36:40 Well, and I think that's I think that's the word that really encapsulates what our mission is all about, is bringing what I call the intangible asset of hope into the lives of people who and all of who among us does not need more hope. I mean it's again, the simplicity of our message is just that. And you know, well it's to me. I look at all of these students that we get to talk with, and I see they tell me their stories. I mean people say, well, why does students? Why do they tell you these things? And I have story after I mean, the hundreds of stories of students who share their stories, their testimonies, and I always just kind of smaller girl. I'm the safest guy they're ever going to talk to, because they know I'm leaving in thirty minutes an hour and I'll probably never see them again. So they just unpack these unimaginably painful stories of things that they have experienced. Why, because everybody needs somebody with whom they can communicate, they can share, They need to empty out. They're looking for that, And that's why parenting is so important. I mean, you've got to be able as a parent to have the tough conversations.

37:47 But there's a reason we were created with two eyes, two ears in one mouth. I believe we're supposed to watch and listen twice as much as we speak, and therein I believe lies the kid to effective communication. Well, and one thing that you did, which I think is so essential. You know, so often we want our children to be transparent, but how can they trust us to be transparent until we are transparent with them. And when you finally told your wife your experiences as a young person, that transparency, as you say, open the path and forgiveness the ultimate freedom for you. And I think it's important for parents to understand that if you want your children to be transparent, what's wrong with sitting down and saying, hey, son or daughter, I totally get what's going on here, because here's some of the experiences I've had in my life and be transparent. And the minute that that child sees that you're willing to share with them, doesn't that create a willingness and a trust within them to share with you.

38:50 Absolutely, It's like that everything is a seed. I believe that produces a harvest. Good seeds produce good harvest, Bad seeds bad harvest. If I so of being transparent with my kids, who are all adults, now, you know the growing up, I learned that if I would, if I messed up in a big way or a small way, if if I was unkind with my words toward my wife, or to my kids, or to one of our dogs, my responsibility was to immediate, Wait a minute, hey, guys, you know what I was wrong? Right then? I missed it. I should never have said that, or I shouldn't have said it in that tone. And I just want you to know I was wrong, and I apologize to you. Our kids grew up in that kind of an environment. Now, had I not come to the end of myself gotten some serious help, I wouldn't have known to have done that.

39:36 I would have just gone, well, you know, it's just the way it is lifestyle. I mean, how many especially fathers are out there going, well, you know, I do this and I do that and blah blah, you know, and it's just gonna be my way or the highway. That doesn't win anyone. It pushes people away. Teen Agers are looking for the real thing. They won't genuine authenticity across all platforms, and they can smell it, and they can spot it when they see it, and they can smell it, and they can spot it when they don't. I've seen I've been at a conference where I was one of the speakers, and it doesn't matter who it was. There was a well known speaker enough to speak, and he tried so hard to relate to those teenagers. They shut him down so fast. I mean it was it was brutal. They weren't they weren't anywhere near him. And yet I talked to the same audience. Not that I'm such a great speaker, I'm just authentic, I'm just real.

40:26 People go why are you just so real? Because for so long I was so plastic and fake. I for so long I wasn't And I just got to the point where I was like, can I tell him? I show up in a button down shirt and a pair of kaki pants. They got a microphone in this hand, a bottle of water in this hand. I'm like, you know what, I'm just gonna talk with you for thirty or forty minutes and I hope you get something out of it. But if you don't, I apologize, But I'm just going to give you what I got. I'm just gonna be me. Every single school we've been in, everyone without without fail, we can go back into because the principles, the teachers, the students embrace the message. And I saw that I wasn't. I'm not trying like I told you earlier. I'm not trying to talk to people into believe in something that I believe. I'm just trying to get people to have hope that there's a better future.

41:09 Well, and you know, as we're running out of time, I wish we had more time. We could go on for another hour. I think on this, but. You know, this month is a special month, and as we look at that, what do you recommend, how do you encourage communities? Parents? What can they do to really support our teens. Well in life? I believe we learn from one of four ways failures or fathers, mentors, or mistakes. Worldwide, teenagers are basically the same. They're looking for someone who cares. They want to know that you want to be invested in them. Mentoring is such a massive opportunity because there's so many people who've been successful in their lives, but the success did not fulfill them. They're looking for significance now.

41:51 So what if you were to pour back into another generation coming behind you and share with them what you did right, what you did wrong, how you succeed, and how you perhaps failed. I believe that if we there's some I have some people in my life, some young people that hang out, you know, with my family, and we pour into them. You know, I'm not preaching at them. I'm not trying to convince them. I'm just going, hey, on a golf course. I did it the other day with my son and one of his dearest friends, you know, and his friend wanted to talk, had some serious questions, and in between hitting golf shots, I just kind of poured into him, and being available is a big part. You know. One of the things that we've done with my new book is it's it's a book that I wrote for the specific purpose of getting people to understand that you do matter. I share my story in it, but then I unpack what I believe the reason to be is to why you matter. And it's really helping a lot of people. And so there's resources out there, There's there's investing, time is out there, mentoring is available to these students. Just getting engaged, getting involved and showing up all makes such a big difference.

42:54 And you mentioned your book, Yeah, share with the audience again. The name of the book. How they can find it, Yeah. It's called You Matter, Finding Hope and meaning in everyday life. You can be found on Amazon, or they can go to our website, which is simply Youmatter dot us while you m a T T e er dot us. Either one of those will take you right to it. The website gives you a whole lot of information on what we do, why we do it, how we do it. And then of course on Amazon thankfully in multiple categories worldwides. It's the book released. It's been number one. So it's it's helping a lot of people. Wonderful Dean, thank you so much, thanks for your time, Thanks for what an important topic and folks think about this. And you know, I love the.

43:35 Last part that you talked about how we as individuals can make a difference in the lives of our teenagers and those around us by listening, by opening up, by doing all those things and being aware. And since this is such a special month for that, I. Just you know, and I know you would too, encourage people to become aware of that, even if they haven't personally experienced it, recognize that they too can make a difference. No question. Everybody needs somebody, and you'll be willing and obedient to just be used. Opportunities will knock on your door. Well, Dan, thank you, thanks so much. Doug, Yeah, thank you for what you're doing. Appreciate it, and Bold thanks for listening.

44:19 I hope this has made a difference, and I hope this will create a higher awareness of those around us, and particularly those teenagers that are struggling, and how we can individually make a difference, either personally by even developing ourselves or by getting involved in some of these organizations that are seeking to help, so anyway, this is doctor Doctor's saying no mistae.