Sept. 15, 2026

Chemistry Is Not Compatibility

Show Notes
Transcript

Dr. Doug sits down with therapist and compatibility strategist Jena Jake to explore why we keep falling in love with the same person in a different body. Chemistry, Jena explains, is often just familiarity recognizing itself, and familiarity is not the same as compatibility. Together they talk about awareness, boundaries, alignment, and the quiet work of healing yourself first. A gentle conversation about patterns, hope, and the freedom of choosing differently.

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We'll be right back. I have spent years in conversation

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with people who are successful by every measure and still

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quietly restless, not broken, not lost, just aware somewhere underneath

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the noise that there is a version of their life

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that feels more honest, more grounded, more genuinely theirs. This

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podcast exists for those people, for the ones who are

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done performing and ready to go deeper. My name is Dr. Doug.

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Welcome to Inspire Vision. I am glad you are here. Jenna, welcome.

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Oh, thank you so much for having me, Dr. Doug.

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I'm very excited to be here.

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I'm glad we were able to connect. So you're on

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the East Coast, right?

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Yes, I'm on the East Coast in Connecticut.

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Perfect. All right. Well, listen, what I'd love for you

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to do is kind of share with the audience your background,

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who you are, and then we'll go from there.

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Okay. I'm Jenna Jake, and I'm a licensed therapist and

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certified executive coach. But I focus on doing compatibility strategy,

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which means I help women ages 35 to 65 stop

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repeating the same patterns in their relationship.

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So you're mainly working with women then?

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Mostly with women. I wouldn't say that I don't work

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with men, but most of my clients are women that

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keep falling in love with the same person and they

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want to change their patterns and redefine their chemistry.

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So was there a journey that brought you to this

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point in time?

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There was actually, really my entire past. So I was

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a marital therapist when I was working in therapy. And

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then I left that to go work with the ex-husband.

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We were doing executive coaching with physicians. And then I

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got advanced certified in a personality assessment that I use

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with my clients now to help them figure out what

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their patterns are, what their values are. and their tendencies.

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So I can predict behavior and I can help them

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realize what their patterns are and who the most aligned

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partner will be based on their personality.

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And what personality test are you using?

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Hogan.

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Okay. All right, good. Yeah, I use a different one,

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but I'm very much into that too. So this will

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be kind of fun. So what do you find seems

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to be the biggest challenge for women? And And it's

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not only women. We all make the same mistake. I'm

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guilty of that too. So why do we keep choosing

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the same people over and over again in those relationships?

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Because that's what we are programmed to do. We are

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programmed to be who we are. And if we weren't us,

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we'd be somebody else. And we'd be programmed to be that.

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People take what they felt was love when they were

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small and whatever that sort of vibration-y feel was, that

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subconscious feeling, it recognizes itself subconsciously in somebody else and

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they call it chemistry. But it's just familiarity.

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So is it true then kind of that, you know,

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the men are marrying their mother and the women are

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marrying their father to a certain degree because that's what

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they've learned?

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I mean, me personally, I feel like I married both

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of my parents on some level, maybe more my mother

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than my father. because I think I was closer to her.

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So I recognize that more as love. But absolutely, we

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marry our parents. I mean, Harville Hendricks wrote a whole

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book on it called Getting the Love You Want. But

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where I disagree with Harville is that he puts it

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on the partner to help heal. But I think people

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need to heal themselves and then choose somebody healthier.

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Well, and as you talk, and I love that concept,

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by the way, I think, you know, as I've interviewed

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different people, one of the main things that I think

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that has come out is the fact that we have

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to heal ourselves. And so many times, even in relationships

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that are struggling, if the individual heals themselves, ultimately, or

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at least possibly, the partner begins to heal also. And

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I don't know if that's been your experience. It may

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not be. But that has been the experience that I've

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seen occasionally. So What is it? I mean, you talk about,

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you know, we've learned as a child, but what are

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those imprints and how on earth do we heal ourselves,

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number one? And I don't know if you want to

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answer that question first. I have the one about compatibility over,

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you know, chemistry.

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Let me answer that one first. So basically, I have

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a system ABA, which means awareness is the first A.

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So it's important to know you're familiar. What are your patterns?

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What's your attachment style? How do you show up in

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a relationship? What is the self-talk that is going on?

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Because you can't heal or change what you're not aware of.

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So that's the first thing. I'm very aware of our

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pattern and how we had to show up to feel

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love when we were little. It's very important to know that.

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And then there's B for boundaries. And people have a

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lot of trouble with boundaries, but I've discovered that you

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have to love yourself enough to put a boundary and

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hold a boundary. So it's really a gift that you

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give to yourself and other people. But women especially have

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a lot of trouble with boundaries. They worry about everyone

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else's feelings more than their own and we're used to

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putting ourselves on the shelf. So if you can know

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your patterns and put the boundary, most things that you'll

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accept will be aligned with because you're going to be

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negating everything else.

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Okay, so you've got awareness, boundaries, and then what's the

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final one?

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Alignment. You have to be really committed to your alignment.

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And that's not just in picking a partner. It's going

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to become how you live your life, and you're going

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to get better at discernment. And you're going to say

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no quicker and move on quicker and not get hung

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up in this drama.

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So how do you help people? I mean, obviously, if

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they've contacted you, they're aware that they have a problem.

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But whether or not they're aware that a lot of

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that problem has to do with that inner imprint and

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subconscious situation. How do you help people, these women, how

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do you help them to realize that, hey, you know what?

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I need to fix myself first before I can do

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anything else. Because sometimes I think that's really difficult for

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people to accept the fact that it's their responsibility initially

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to fix themselves.

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It's not easy, but We focus on the person that

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they want to become. So after we do the assessment,

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they know all their blind spots. And then they think

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it's very concrete. So then we can say, well, who

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do you want to be? And how far is where

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you are from where you want to be? And what

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is the steps that you need to work on that?

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That's the bulk of them. Even though I am able

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to create an avatar of the perfect, not perfect, aligned

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person for them within their personality. I could do a

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Hogan on a supposed compatible partner. So they know what they're,

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they're not guessing. They're able to measure that against the world.

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They could always give them.

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Yeah. And with the personality tests, at least with yours,

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without going into real depth, is, is it got the

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right brain, left brain, extrovert, introvert, or how, how does

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that one work for you?

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It measures the values and then the usual tendencies, how

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they're likely to behave and the stress tendencies, when they

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get stressed and fatigued, how they're likely to behave. A

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lot of it is strengths that get overused. So if

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you're skeptical, that's a great skill, but sometimes you can

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be too skeptical and then miss an opportunity and get

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in your own way. So that's what Hogan is really

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good at measuring.

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Okay. And so when you talk about compatibility versus chemistry,

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and again, what you're suggesting is initially that chemistry has

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to do with what we learned as children. Is that

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basically it? Yes.

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Chemistry is going to dictate what you're attracted to. And

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I think your attachment style and how you're used to

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showing up in a relationship is take it from there.

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And if it's not a healthy pattern, then you're going

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to have an issue.

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So are there some consistent patterns that you have observed

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in individuals that would help people to be a little

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bit more aware?

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Sure. Like I'll talk about how I used to be.

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I used to be a people pleaser. set myself on

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fire to keep everyone warm. There was a lot of

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no boundaries, no boundaries at all, because I didn't have

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the self-esteem to think, okay, I could do this. I

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could be on my own. You know, I didn't want

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anybody to leave. So I shrunk myself and compromised myself

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to the point that I set myself on fire. Like

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I went to ashes. And that's not being a team player,

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that's cremation. So that's a lot of my clients with that.

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Well, and so... How do you help your clients? I mean,

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it's one thing to do the personality evaluation or the assessment,

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you know, and yeah, I really believe in that. So

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don't misunderstand there. But beyond that, then helping them to

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actually incorporate those concepts into their lives to the point

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where they're no longer just dealing on attraction, but they're

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also looking at compatibility. How do you help them to

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do that?

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We do a lot of work of practicing. We are

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very specific about the goals that we want. And then

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we create a map, if you will, of this is

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the person that I want to become. And what are

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the thoughts that I'm having versus what's the self-talk she's having?

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How is she showing up in this current relationship? What

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boundaries is she now? What are her not It's a

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matter of rewiring your brain and just practicing that until

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that becomes familiar.

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How often are you able to take a couple that's

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struggling and actually help them to repair by going through

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this process of The one that I do is a

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little bit different, okay? And I don't work with couples

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per se. But the one that I have used for

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different reasons really goes into the communication style. It goes

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into all of those different types of things and the

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values and motivators and so forth. But are you able

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to help couples that are struggling to actually put it

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back together? Or has it been your experience that once

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they've made that mistake, That's a mistake that just has

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to be rendered and solved? Or are you able to

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put it back together?

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You know, there is a lot of hope. And I

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like to use the assessment because people are looking at

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their partner through their own lens, their own trauma. And

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they're not looking at their partner for how their partner

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seems out. So I'll give you an example. I happen

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to be very what the Hogan calls low adjust. I'm

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very neurotic on a scale of zero to 100. I'm three,

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you know. I'm about as neurotic as can be. But

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now if I was married to somebody who's 85, 90,

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they would think I was hysterical. And I would think

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that they were just blowing me off because I would say,

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you won't believe what happened to Mary and Lucy. And

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he might say, oh, they're just having a bad day.

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Hysterical because he's wired to be calm. But I may

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read him as aloof. And now when I do the

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assessment and I work with couples, I can show them

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that no, no, no, you're thinking about how he operates

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through your lens. He really does care. He's just wired

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to not worry about this, which is different than putting somebody.

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And how much do you get into communication and how

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someone would choose to be communicated with? I'm sure it

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gets into that too.

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Yes, 100%. I mean, one of my non-negotiables now is

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to be with someone who says things nicely, which was

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not my experience in the past. And that's really important

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to me. And I learned that from doing all of

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this work. So when someone is a straight shooter and

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they just say things and they don't mean to hurt

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people's feelings, they just think they're being honest and they

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don't realize how gruff they are. So depending on where

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people lie in that is the conversations that we have.

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And it helps to know that they're not trying to

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hurt people's feelings, that this is just how they show up.

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And they can be more mindful that the way they

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say things needs improvement.

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Well, and so when you're doing that, it seems to

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me that there's some issues on both parts, okay? And

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one issue is, all right, I need to really look

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at myself. I need to understand what those triggers are

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within me and understand that when my partner does something

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or says something and I get triggered that, you know what,

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that's my problem. Initially, that's my problem. Now, there has

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to do with some communication too later on. But so

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how do you help people to, first of all, accept

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the responsibility that they are responsible initially for what's going

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on in a relationship? And it almost sounds like And

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I want to ask the question, but we'll get to

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it again because it's on my mind. But, you know,

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it sounds like you almost are going to have just

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such a minimum amount of people that are going to

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be eligible for someone versus being able to find someone

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where there's a good degree of compatibility. Obviously, there's still

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going to be issues. And then being able to work

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with them where that communication is understood. For instance, I

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happen to be, as you probably already picked up, I'm

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very direct. And my kids will tell you that. And,

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you know, I've had some incredible discussions with my kids

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about this, and they understand that I'm direct. And yet

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a couple of my kids are very direct, and a

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couple of them are very much, you know, left-brained, like

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you're talking about, want to be spoken with kindly and

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so forth. And we have a fun time recognizing that

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I have to take responsibility for recognizing that this is

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how they want to be communicated with. So I need

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to be able to say, all right, Doug, stop being

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so direct and be a little bit more kind in

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your communication. At the same time, if I don't do

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that for some reason and they get a communication that

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they feel is direct, they can look at me and

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smile and say, all right, dad, you're just being dad.

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So calm down a little bit because that's not how

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I like to hear things. And with that type of relationship,

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which I happen to have with my kids, We have

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managed to get to the point where our communication is

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really very good and our relationships are very good. What

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are your thoughts on that?

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I 100% agree. Wayne Dyer used to say, when you

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squeeze an orange, you get orange juice. No matter when

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you squeeze the orange, who squeezes the orange, because that's

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what's inside the orange. It's a helpful thing to remember

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that those reactions have everything with them and really nothing

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to do with you. And you're responsible for your own experience.

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I mean, if you, and you know, don't take anything personally,

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that's what they say, right? So I agree with you

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a hundred percent. And that is one of the tenants

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that we discuss a lot is that you're responsible for

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your own happiness, your own experience, your own responses and reaction,

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and it has nothing to do with the other person.

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So really the idea of being compatible is when you

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love yourself enough, you're compatible sort of with everybody, but

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you don't want to date with everybody you want you

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know healthy people want to be with healthy people so

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you're only going to date be attracted to someone as

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healthy as you.

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Are well so in your in your work and in

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your experience how many how many clients have come to

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you in relationships that are struggling what would be the

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percentage that you've been able to help them correct those

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relationships to be where not only were they initially you

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know interested chemistry wise but obviously that goes away after

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a few years but also that they begin to develop

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a greater, higher level of compatibility. What would you say

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repairing relationships versus ultimately having them leave a relationship would

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be with your experience?

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I think most of them improve their relationship and they

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make a market dent in their relationship for the better,

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for the more positive, because they have a deeper understanding

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and they're ready to to have some movement and change

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because it only takes one person in a relationship to

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change for the relationship to be completely different. So I

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would say, luckily, I've had good experience with people with this.

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Okay, and I wanted to bring that out because as

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people are listening, so far we haven't really talked about hope,

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but the reality is there's a tremendous amount of hope

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in getting help from you and from others that have

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that same capability that you have. to understand that they

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can in fact repair those relationships. And so there is

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hope with that. And I know that you have a blueprint,

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you know, that you use. I'd love for you to

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share a little bit about what that is.

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If I'm doing it for couples, they both take the

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assessment and then we look at, okay, this is where

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your strengths are in your relationship. This is where you're vibing.

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This is where you might be banging heads. And here's why,

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you know, One person's super skeptical, the other person's not skeptical,

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and they might fight about, well, why did you trust them?

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Why would you do that? Because they're both coming from

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their patterns. And when people can stop and look and say, okay,

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let's not just go on autopilot and be very intentional

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about our relationship and having love and respect be the

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thing that guides us, those conversations can be different and

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the feelings around it might be the same, but the

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The vibration of the conversation, the lovingness enters. It's different.

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It's a different type of communication, and that is very helpful.

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Okay, so that has to do with communication. And what

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else is there besides the communication?

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Well, when John Gottman... Did a lot of research, you

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may know. And he's got the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Stonewalling, defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism. Wait, complaining, criticism. No, no, no,

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not complaining. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. So basically, it's

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about the overall positive sentiment of the relationship. And that's

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what takes the relationships down when overall you don't care

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for them anymore. So this helps with that a lot

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because people have a deeper understanding of their partner. and

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the partners are able to show up as they really

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are and feel seen, I would say, a lot of

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times for the first time as who they really are.

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So that in and of itself is a big, big

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component of work that we do.

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And how often are you working with both, or are

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you just usually working with the women?

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I would say most of it is with the women,

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but I do have some couples that do come along,

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and I think they make good improvement because they learn

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not to character assassinate, to complain. And character assassinate is

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going to take your.

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So when you're only working with women, and again, this

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goes to the whole point of, as you've observed and

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I've observed with talking to other people, that when the

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women can make those changes, it seems like their partner

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starts to make those changes too. But what are the

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red flags of when they recognize that their partner is

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really not willing to make those changes?

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And that happens sometimes because it's scary and the ego

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doesn't want to change. When your relationship is not expansive

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and it becomes... more of a project or something that

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you have to handle or something you have to recover from,

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that becomes an issue. Those would be some of the

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things I think women would see.

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So when you're dealing with women, what I'm aware of

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and what I'm interested in is you've got a This

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is for both men and women. You have fear. You

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have self-trust. You have all of those amazing, incredibly terrible

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imprints that you've received in childhood from parents, from religion,

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from society, from school, from friends. What steps do you

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take and in what order do you take in order

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to help them to start removing those elements that are

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preventing them from experiencing a good relationship? to the point

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where they can really consciously be able to say, okay,

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I can really now start to redevelop this relationship or

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develop a new one.

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I like to say, I love me, and you're like,

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that's kind of the vibe of where we start with that.

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And it's really getting into those patterns, those childhood patterns,

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and looking at how we had to show up and

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realizing that that was put upon us and really trying

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falling in love with ourselves and seeing ourselves for the front.

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I have a 4S system, safe, seen, supported, and sought after.

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And if you can generate that for yourself, you're not

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going to not tolerate, you won't tolerate not having that

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in a relationship.

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So why do some women, and I don't know if

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your personality assessment kind of lends towards this, the one

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that I do does, that I know that there's a

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specific type of behavioral personality that stays in relationships that

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they should not be staying in. And they stay in it.

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And if they ultimately get divorced, they go right back

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into a very similar relationship again. Share with me your

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thoughts on that, your experience with that, and how you

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help women to stop that pattern.

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Chemistry Is Not Compatibility

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