Aug. 11, 2026

Why Love Feels Familiar (But Hurts Anyway)

Why Love Feels Familiar (But Hurts Anyway)
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Relationship coach Valerie Greene opens up about her own journey through conflict, divorce, and hard-won healing to share why we keep attracting what we've always known, and how to finally choose differently. In this conversation, she and Dr. Doug explore emotional availability, attachment, and what it means to stop repeating the past and begin building the love you actually long for.
https://coachvaleriegreene.com/

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WEBVTT

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This program is designed to provide general information with regards

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to the subject matters covered. This information is given with

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the understanding that neither the hosts, guests, sponsors, or station

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are engaged in rendering any specific and personal medical, financial,

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legal counseling, professional service, or any advice. You should seek

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the services of competent professionals before applying or trying any

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suggested ideas.

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I have spent years in conversation with people who are

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successful by every measure and still quietly restless, not broken,

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not lost, just aware somewhere underneath the noise that there

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is a version of their life that feels more honest

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or grounded, more genuinely theirs. This podcast exists for those people,

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for the ones who are done performing and ready to

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go deeper. My name is doctor Doug. Welcome to Inspire Vision.

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I am glad you are here. Valerie, Welcome to the show.

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Hello, doctor Doug.

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It's just been a pleasure talking to you so far,

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so I'm excited to be here.

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I'm looking forward to it.

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You know, it's interesting your approach to relationships, and so

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I'm always curious as to what is your background and

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what brought you, What were your life experiences that brought

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you to the point that you're doing what you're doing

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now and working with women and helping them in their relationships.

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Yeah, thank you so much. It is, you know, kind

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of a long journey for me.

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I'm forty seven, so you know, I've definitely been through

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my share of life experiences at this point, but kind

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of rewinding all the way back, you know, I was

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my parents had a happy marriage for them, so I

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got good modeling in many ways, and they were very

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loving towards me, and at the same time, they had

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their own blind spots, as everybody does. So I actually

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never received actual empathy until I was.

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Thirty and.

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So, and I'm an extremely empathic person myself, so I

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grew up feeling really confused. My parents' philosophy on emotions

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was it's okay to feel that way, but think this

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way instead, which gave me really great training for challenging

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my thoughts. And I'm very grateful for that because to

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this day, I don't really believe my thoughts. But you know,

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I mean, obviously I questioned my thoughts. I believe some

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of them, you know, It's not like I don't believe

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any of them, but it was a very good mentorship

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in that way. My parents are actually disciples of Gurgief.

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When I was growing up, and so it was all

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about know yourself and get to know your thinking. And

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I was also a raised Protestant starting at the age

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of seven, so I got a really good foundation in

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how to be present and personal growth oriented, but not

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a lot in terms of emotions. And I'm an extremely

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emotional person, so I just grew up very confused. And

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I also my dad had a lot of love, but

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he also was his life experiences led him to not

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know really healthy conflict resolution. So we basically argued constantly

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when I was a kid, and so that's what I

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brought into my relationships when I was in my twenties,

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all throughout my twenties until I met well through my

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first marriage.

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Now I'm happily married to my current husband.

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But so I would sweep conflict under the rug, pretend

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everything was fine. But then I didn't have any better

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strategies other than arguing in order to resolve conflicts. So

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it would reach a certain threshold and then I would

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criticize and you know, pick fights, but not meaning to.

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I just didn't know what else to do because that's

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what I learned, and so then it was like wash

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rints repeat, you know. Unfortunately with all the relationships I

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had in my twenties, that they would start out with

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a lot of passion, but then eventually we would grow

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apart or we'd just be fighting all the time, to

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the point where we'd be sleeping in separate beds and

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you know, kind of not really getting along. And it

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just made me realize that I'm the common denominator. So

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I actually started out as a health coach in my

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mid twenties because I didn't feel like I was qualified

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enough to coach people on the relationships, considering that mine

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were kind of fraught. But I was always passionate, Like

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I just had this passion to learn how to resolve

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conflict and to have a harmonious relationship. That was really

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what I like read avid books on. So in my

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private time, that's what I was reading and studying. And

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then of course because of that, it turned out that

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when I hired a business coach after doing a couple

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of years of health coaching, it wound up that that's

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what I wound up helping my clients with the most

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was the relationships, even though they would come to me

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for stopping emotional eating, let's say, and then I would

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teach them emotional tools, but they would open up to

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me about their relationships, and then I would help them

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with the advice that I had and you know, ask

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them really curious questions because I was good at that,

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and then they would have epiphanies about their relationships, and

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then the relationships would improve, and then they would stop

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needing to use food to mask their unpleasant feelings because

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they knew how to be vulnerable with their partner and

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work it out, you know. So it was just funny

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because I always had unconscious confidence, and so eventually I

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realized that that was my passion and my proclivity.

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So that's when I.

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Went back to school for relationship coaching, and I went

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to the Relationship Coaching Institute, which has a really good

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program for singles and couples. And then I also did

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a lot of emotional healing training, like I learned emotionally

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focused therapy with the student of Sue Johnson, and I

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did the Gotman trainings and really have now a robust

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tool kit, and of course I also use those. And

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it was really in my first marriage that I had

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kind of a dojo, so to speak, to put all

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this in practice, because we unfortunately didn't realize until we

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were married that there were.

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A lot of incompatibilities.

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And so I was passionate that we weren't, you know,

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we're going to make it through, and that you know,

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we were at the very least if we didn't, we

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weren't gonna end the relationship out of anger. We were

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really gonna be on the same team no matter what.

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So we worked with coaches and therapists and I became

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a teacher of non violent communication. And it's funny I

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actually hung a sheet of feelings and needs on our

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wall back then, because this was before they had all

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the NVC apps. Now they have a lot of apps

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that on the you know, for the phones of feelings

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and needs. But back then, I hung a sheet on

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the wall and we'd be arguing and I'd be like, okay,

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take a time out, and then I would soothe my

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nervous system and look at the sheet and come back

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and give him empathy and express my feelings and needs

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with an open heart. And that was really the training

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ground for me to be able to learn how to

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resolve conflict and Unfortunately, after two years of that, we

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realized that we actually did want different things out of

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life and out of marriage. But to this day we're

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on good terms and he even wrote an endorsement on

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my website. And so that's when I really knew that

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I had healed my blocks to unconditional love through that process.

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And I'm infinitely grateful that you know that we went

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through that portal together, so to speak, so that now

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with my current husband, I can be happily married. And

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you know, because of that, I actually have niches of

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both helping couples resolve conflict and singles to date strategically

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to avoid situationships and truly have this what I call

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soul shaking love where you're connected deeply on multiple levels.

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And so that's what I.

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Specialize in, and I get really good results with my

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clients because I have such an integrative approach.

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Okay, so you bring up a number of things, and

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I think probably the first question that comes to my mind,

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and you talked about the fact that you help singles,

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but you talked about your experience of getting married and

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then realizing the incompatibilities that were just not resolvable. So

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my question is as you work, particularly with the single

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people and single ladies, how do you help them if

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you do, to identify more closely those compatibilities and incompatibilities

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so that they don't experience what you experienced in your

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first marriage.

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Yeah, that's such a good question, and it's really hard

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to do this if you don't have a mentorship. I'm

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not saying that you need to work with me, but

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there's numerous books. I actually really like the book that's

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written by David Steele, who's the founder of the Relationship

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Coaching Institute, because he has a distinction about separating wants

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from needs, and I think that's incredibly important because we

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all have a list of things that we want in

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a potential partner, but we most people don't really know

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how to tell the difference between wants and needs, and

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also between interests and values because you know, so for example,

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we'll talk about wants and needs first.

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So I might want somebody who has.

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A certain level of education or has a certain and

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you know, we all have a type, right like who

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looks a certain way, who acts a certain way, who

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you know they have the qualities that really turn us on.

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And there's nothing of course, we want to be turned

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on by the person. So I always say that you know,

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if you're turned off by the person there's no chemistry, obviously,

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don't proceed. But what winds up happening with most people

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is that we follow chemistry and we just assume that

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things will work out if there's good chemistry, and that's

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chemistry is important. But if all you have is chemistry,

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then after the honeymoon phase is over, then you know

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you're left with What creates good chemistry going forward is

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being able to have secure attachment, being able to speak

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each other's love language, really having compatible values that you're

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committed to upholding together, and being able to really meet

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each other's attachment needs as well as having a shared purpose,

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because that's actually what John Gotman's research shows is that

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the biggest reason that couple say that they break up

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when they do is that they've lost a shared vision

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for the future. So it's just incredibly important. So that's

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the main things that I focus on with singles is

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the vision for the culture that you want to co

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create in your relationship, and then also values and also needs.

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So now I'll kind of break that down.

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So I want I want to get into that a

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little bit more first that Yeah, you know, we talk

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about values, and I happen to be you know, behavioral

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analysts also. And one of the things I find is

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that and you brought it up, that we we grow

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up with all of these different beliefs and belief systems

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that many cases they are very subconscious and we don't

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even realize how much of their affectingness. And at the

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same time, our values that we believe our values are

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oftentimes the values of our parents, our religion, our society,

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or whatever that our friends, whatever that happens to be.

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So how do you I know, I do it because

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I have a very specific program that I use, But

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how do you help people to really delve into what

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their true values are rather than what they've been told

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their values should be.

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Yeah, that's such a good question. There's an exercise that

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I have in my book, the Commitment Roadmap, that leads

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people through an exercise to tell their values. And so

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there's a series of questions that I ask, and one

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of them is, think about the happiest time in your

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life and what made you happy, like not what was

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going on the surface. But I give people a list

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of values to look at and say what value is

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being honored when you were truly happy? And because this

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is the superficial exploration is just identifying them as words

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on a sheet of paper. You know, values are things

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like you know, because you could value something like like

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my The values that I share with my current husband

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are unconditional love and wisdom and shared spiritual practice, personal growth, healing, embodiment,

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fun play, and authenticity. So you know, those are kind

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of examples of values. But identifying the words are superficial

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then might go deeper. But so that's the first question

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is when we were you the happiest. The second is

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tell me about a time that you were unhappy and

230
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what value was not? So it's really in not and

231
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if they're if there's a should, then we'll identify that

232
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in the next part. But you know, because usually if

233
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there's you know, why is that important table because you should,

234
00:13:59.600 --> 00:14:04.799
then it's something that is not you know, authentic necessarily,

235
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it's something that you have a belief based on your

236
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upbringing or your culture that you should have it. And

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the third thing is like, how do you want your

238
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friends and family to be toasting you on your eightieth birthday?

239
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You know they're all gathered around and they say, how

240
00:14:20.159 --> 00:14:22.879
have you contributed to our lives? You know, like what

241
00:14:23.360 --> 00:14:25.960
do you want them to be saying about you? And

242
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then also what do you want your legacy? And you know,

243
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so those are like a sampling of questions.

244
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To be able to find the words.

245
00:14:35.120 --> 00:14:37.440
But then we do the deeper exploration as to why

246
00:14:37.480 --> 00:14:39.519
is that important to you? And that's when it really

247
00:14:39.559 --> 00:14:42.360
comes out, you know, because if somebody values something like

248
00:14:42.879 --> 00:14:46.799
success or achievement or accomplishment, sometimes that's really authentic and

249
00:14:46.879 --> 00:14:50.919
people have ambitious goals and that really makes them come alive.

250
00:14:51.279 --> 00:14:54.600
And other times, oh well because I should you know,

251
00:14:54.639 --> 00:14:57.440
because that's what my parents said was important, or that's

252
00:14:57.480 --> 00:14:59.519
what I think women want, or that's what I think

253
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men want or whatever, you know. So that's the next

254
00:15:03.200 --> 00:15:05.639
question that I ask, is like why why is that

255
00:15:05.720 --> 00:15:09.080
important to you? And then how do you know when

256
00:15:09.080 --> 00:15:11.240
you're embodying it? You know, how what does it look

257
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like and feel like for you when you're embodying that value?

258
00:15:14.960 --> 00:15:17.399
And then also what does.

259
00:15:17.240 --> 00:15:19.279
It look like and feel like if you're sharing that

260
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value with a partner? You know, So I have people

261
00:15:21.600 --> 00:15:24.840
do that exploration again with the values, because the values

262
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that you have in your individual life might be of

263
00:15:28.320 --> 00:15:29.679
course they should be overlapping.

264
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And I always use the word.

265
00:15:31.559 --> 00:15:35.240
Should as like and for the sake of efficiency, you know,

266
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I mean like it would be better too, you know,

267
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because like.

268
00:15:41.080 --> 00:15:43.279
I value efficiency, but I don't. I don't. I don't

269
00:15:43.320 --> 00:15:44.679
should on myself anymore.

270
00:15:45.240 --> 00:15:48.639
Okay, So so as we as we're talking about you

271
00:15:48.679 --> 00:15:51.559
know that, and I always have said that, you know,

272
00:15:52.159 --> 00:15:55.840
to prevent a situation is so much better than having

273
00:15:55.919 --> 00:15:59.159
to correct it later on. So you know, one of

274
00:15:59.200 --> 00:16:02.120
your talking points that I saw that was interesting was

275
00:16:02.679 --> 00:16:05.840
the cycle of attracting unavailable men.

276
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And you know, we're going.

277
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To get into why you're focusing on women and not men,

278
00:16:11.960 --> 00:16:13.480
but you probably helped them too.

279
00:16:13.559 --> 00:16:16.679
But what is it? What has been your experience?

280
00:16:16.840 --> 00:16:22.919
Why do women attract unavailable Men's what's going on there?

281
00:16:23.320 --> 00:16:26.159
Yeah, and you're right, I do always have a couple

282
00:16:26.200 --> 00:16:29.080
of men in my practice, but for whatever reason, women

283
00:16:29.120 --> 00:16:31.320
have always been more drawn to me. So it's like

284
00:16:31.360 --> 00:16:33.840
you got to pick a niche, right, But I'd say

285
00:16:33.840 --> 00:16:36.960
that this question equally applies to me, and in fact,

286
00:16:37.000 --> 00:16:40.320
I think men like I've worked with couples where it's

287
00:16:40.360 --> 00:16:42.279
the man who's emotionally available, and it is the woman

288
00:16:42.320 --> 00:16:45.279
who's not maybe she has a weight and attachment or whatever.

289
00:16:45.360 --> 00:16:49.440
So I don't pigeonhole based on gender, but you know,

290
00:16:49.519 --> 00:16:52.840
so I guess I'll answer that question from the standpoint

291
00:16:52.879 --> 00:16:57.440
of why do people tracked emotionally unavailable partners, because I

292
00:16:57.480 --> 00:17:00.559
do think it's the same answer depending, you know, for

293
00:17:00.679 --> 00:17:05.000
every gender. And so there's a lot that goes into that.

294
00:17:05.960 --> 00:17:09.599
First of all, we attract what feels familiar, you know. Unfortunately,

295
00:17:09.720 --> 00:17:12.480
we kind of like you're saying that most of our

296
00:17:12.599 --> 00:17:16.359
values and beliefs are unconscious. Well, so is our programming

297
00:17:16.400 --> 00:17:20.079
about what love is. It's mostly unconscious unless we make

298
00:17:20.160 --> 00:17:25.480
it conscious, you know, through self exploration. But if we're

299
00:17:25.519 --> 00:17:30.119
just following chemistry, you know, what chemistry means is that,

300
00:17:30.599 --> 00:17:32.359
you know, you have that feeling like, oh.

301
00:17:32.200 --> 00:17:34.440
My god, I feel like I've known you my whole life.

302
00:17:34.640 --> 00:17:37.640
You know, like if you get fireworks with somebody right

303
00:17:37.680 --> 00:17:41.160
off of that, what that means is that they'll probably

304
00:17:41.200 --> 00:17:45.200
trigger you the way that your caretakers from childhood did.

305
00:17:46.119 --> 00:17:49.519
You don't know that yet, but you know. And so.

306
00:17:51.440 --> 00:17:56.559
If you had really emotionally available parents and you felt

307
00:17:56.599 --> 00:17:58.960
like you could approach them with your feelings and they

308
00:17:59.000 --> 00:18:02.240
would comfort you and help you identify what you needed

309
00:18:02.400 --> 00:18:05.279
and help you work out the solution. Then if you

310
00:18:05.319 --> 00:18:08.559
follow chemistry and it feels familiar, then the person's probably

311
00:18:08.559 --> 00:18:11.799
emotionally available. But if the modeling that you had growing

312
00:18:11.920 --> 00:18:15.200
up or it doesn't have to be from parents. But

313
00:18:15.240 --> 00:18:17.720
I would argue that the beliefs that really run us

314
00:18:17.799 --> 00:18:21.400
were from zero to seven because that's what the research shows, right,

315
00:18:22.920 --> 00:18:26.240
But it could be that somebody was you know, cheated

316
00:18:26.279 --> 00:18:28.839
on in an early relationship and then that gives them

317
00:18:29.000 --> 00:18:32.279
an imprint that they then carry with them that feels familiar.

318
00:18:32.359 --> 00:18:34.400
So I'm not saying and by the way, I'm not

319
00:18:34.440 --> 00:18:38.680
blaming parents. You know, I really want to be very

320
00:18:38.759 --> 00:18:42.440
nuanced here because it's not the parent's fault. People can

321
00:18:42.519 --> 00:18:45.599
only really parent the way they were parented if they

322
00:18:45.720 --> 00:18:50.839
don't have better modeling and they don't have time to

323
00:18:51.240 --> 00:18:55.000
heal before they become parents. So you know, it's we

324
00:18:55.039 --> 00:18:58.240
don't know what we don't know. So it's not I'm

325
00:18:58.240 --> 00:19:02.119
not blaming your parents if you attract emotionally unavailable partners.

326
00:19:02.160 --> 00:19:07.160
In fact, I think blame is being emotionally unavailable, So

327
00:19:08.160 --> 00:19:14.119
you know, but so it's not in looking at why

328
00:19:14.160 --> 00:19:17.720
to kind of point the finger. It's looking at why

329
00:19:17.799 --> 00:19:21.599
to make sense of like, oh, it's not your fault

330
00:19:22.079 --> 00:19:24.799
that you never learn the skills of being emotionally available

331
00:19:24.799 --> 00:19:28.960
to yourself, which is kind of surprising to people, Like

332
00:19:29.119 --> 00:19:31.640
I thought that I was emotionally available to myself because

333
00:19:31.680 --> 00:19:35.559
I'm like, well, I think I was more emotionally available

334
00:19:35.599 --> 00:19:38.880
than a lot of people I knew because we tend

335
00:19:38.960 --> 00:19:41.359
to attract people that are kind of like us. So

336
00:19:42.200 --> 00:19:44.720
I would compare myself in my twenties to my friends

337
00:19:44.720 --> 00:19:46.480
and be like, well, I know I'm feeling you know,

338
00:19:46.599 --> 00:19:50.200
I feel happier, I feel sad or I feel angrier,

339
00:19:50.400 --> 00:19:55.720
I feel you know, scared or whatever. But that doesn't

340
00:19:55.759 --> 00:19:58.079
mean I was emotionally available. It was sort of a

341
00:19:58.119 --> 00:20:00.559
blind spot for me because I was not emotional available

342
00:20:00.599 --> 00:20:04.400
in my twenties. What emotional availability means to me is

343
00:20:04.440 --> 00:20:08.920
that I know how to not because I was only

344
00:20:08.920 --> 00:20:11.960
modeled two ways of dealing with feelings, either suppressing them

345
00:20:12.480 --> 00:20:16.000
and pretending like I didn't feel bad because I could

346
00:20:16.079 --> 00:20:18.720
question my thoughts and okay, now I'll think differently and

347
00:20:18.759 --> 00:20:23.880
I feel differently, right, or expressing them like you know,

348
00:20:24.200 --> 00:20:27.079
I'm really angry because you didn't do this, like you know,

349
00:20:27.240 --> 00:20:32.079
but I would argue that that's not necessarily emotionally available.

350
00:20:32.519 --> 00:20:35.960
What my definition of emotional availability is is that I

351
00:20:36.039 --> 00:20:42.160
have the ability to sit with my feelings and tolerate them,

352
00:20:42.200 --> 00:20:46.160
and give myself empathy and compassion for my feelings and

353
00:20:46.920 --> 00:20:50.480
identify what is it that I want or desire or

354
00:20:50.599 --> 00:20:56.079
need underneath the feeling, because that's you know what, yeah,

355
00:20:56.960 --> 00:21:00.039
oh yeah, I mean that's really the emotional what's a

356
00:21:00.200 --> 00:21:02.960
non volin communication teaches is that feelings are caused by

357
00:21:03.039 --> 00:21:07.200
needs getting met or not met, and then I can

358
00:21:07.799 --> 00:21:11.559
look at it like I'm expressing what I desire and

359
00:21:11.599 --> 00:21:13.880
I'm curious about what you desire, and then we can

360
00:21:13.960 --> 00:21:16.400
work it out, you know. So that's how I define

361
00:21:16.400 --> 00:21:17.559
emotional availability.

362
00:21:17.880 --> 00:21:20.920
Okay, So really, if I'm hearing you right, what you're

363
00:21:20.960 --> 00:21:25.240
saying is that if I'm not emotionally available, I am

364
00:21:25.279 --> 00:21:29.039
going to attract people who are not emotionally available. And

365
00:21:29.119 --> 00:21:32.359
so it comes back to me. It comes back to

366
00:21:32.440 --> 00:21:35.160
the individual who says, oh, well, they're not emotionally in

367
00:21:35.200 --> 00:21:37.480
that blah blah blah blah, when in fact they just

368
00:21:37.559 --> 00:21:40.559
need to hold up the mirror and say, right, here's

369
00:21:40.640 --> 00:21:43.680
the problem and the problem if we want to use

370
00:21:43.720 --> 00:21:45.319
that word, I don't like that word.

371
00:21:45.079 --> 00:21:47.400
But yeah, the issue is me.

372
00:21:48.000 --> 00:21:52.200
I have got to take personal responsibility for what's happening

373
00:21:52.240 --> 00:21:55.000
in my life, and therefore I'm the one that needs

374
00:21:55.079 --> 00:21:58.480
to be able to work on this and figure things out.

375
00:21:58.680 --> 00:22:03.720
And as you say, as you start to become emotionally available,

376
00:22:03.720 --> 00:22:05.480
as you start to get rid of some of those

377
00:22:05.480 --> 00:22:11.880
imprints and those childhood shoulds, that you're starting to attract

378
00:22:11.920 --> 00:22:15.960
someone differently, and that gets to be fascinating. But then

379
00:22:16.039 --> 00:22:20.119
we get into those people who are already in every relationship.

380
00:22:20.640 --> 00:22:23.759
And what I find interesting in the past is I've

381
00:22:23.799 --> 00:22:27.279
interviewed different relationship coaches. There seems to be a theme

382
00:22:27.480 --> 00:22:30.559
that is consistent, and that is is that if you

383
00:22:30.720 --> 00:22:35.920
can change your own personal and I would say emotional intelligence,

384
00:22:36.400 --> 00:22:39.359
which really has to do with that whole thing, that

385
00:22:39.799 --> 00:22:42.519
all of a sudden you start to see your partner

386
00:22:43.200 --> 00:22:46.920
change also. And oftentimes, again, as you say, sometimes there's

387
00:22:47.119 --> 00:22:51.480
be incompative incompatibilities are so great that you're not able

388
00:22:51.519 --> 00:22:56.960
to really resolve that. But in many cases, and particularly

389
00:22:57.000 --> 00:22:58.920
it seems like I'm interviewing the women and the women

390
00:22:59.000 --> 00:23:02.839
coaches on this that it seems like when they're able

391
00:23:02.920 --> 00:23:06.759
to change themselves that all of a sudden they start

392
00:23:06.799 --> 00:23:10.400
to see their partner start to change also.

393
00:23:10.960 --> 00:23:12.200
And why is that?

394
00:23:12.559 --> 00:23:14.759
Yeah, that's such a great question, and I mean, I

395
00:23:14.839 --> 00:23:17.680
want to put a coveat on that. It's not always right.

396
00:23:17.799 --> 00:23:21.079
But what I would say before I answer that question,

397
00:23:21.119 --> 00:23:23.640
because I do agree with you in like ninety percent

398
00:23:23.640 --> 00:23:28.240
of the cases that if I'm and this more applies

399
00:23:28.279 --> 00:23:30.839
to singles, but it also applies to the relationship that

400
00:23:30.880 --> 00:23:34.200
you're talking about. You know, the paradigm that who I'm

401
00:23:34.200 --> 00:23:37.559
a if I become more emotionally available to my own

402
00:23:37.599 --> 00:23:40.440
feelings rather than go on a date to try to

403
00:23:40.799 --> 00:23:43.240
you know, okay, I have to make the person like me,

404
00:23:43.599 --> 00:23:46.079
which you know, I coach a lot of people who

405
00:23:46.119 --> 00:23:48.599
focus more on the other person than how do I.

406
00:23:48.680 --> 00:23:50.200
Feel with them.

407
00:23:50.440 --> 00:23:54.279
When you're really focusing on being emotionally available to yourself,

408
00:23:54.720 --> 00:23:58.440
you won't be attracted to somebody who's emotionally available, like

409
00:23:58.720 --> 00:24:00.519
it just won't interest you anymore.

410
00:24:00.839 --> 00:24:01.759
You'll know how to tell.

411
00:24:01.880 --> 00:24:04.880
So it's sort of the same thing and that relationship

412
00:24:04.880 --> 00:24:05.720
that you're talking about.

413
00:24:05.759 --> 00:24:06.799
But you know, we'll get there.

414
00:24:06.920 --> 00:24:07.039
Now.

415
00:24:07.079 --> 00:24:12.000
I'll answer the question you asked, which is like, why

416
00:24:12.039 --> 00:24:14.839
does the other person change when you change? And it's

417
00:24:14.880 --> 00:24:18.079
because relationships are a system. I actually love the way

418
00:24:18.119 --> 00:24:20.920
that emotionally focused therapy talks about it because they look

419
00:24:20.960 --> 00:24:24.279
at it like a cycle, Like the kind of looks

420
00:24:24.279 --> 00:24:30.039
like an infinity sign that when I am so in

421
00:24:30.079 --> 00:24:34.920
this infinity sign, at the bottom of each side is

422
00:24:35.119 --> 00:24:39.799
our vulnerable feelings and attachment belonging. But we don't know

423
00:24:39.880 --> 00:24:42.680
how to express those. We need to be emotionally available

424
00:24:42.759 --> 00:24:45.079
or have emotional intelligence to express those.

425
00:24:45.480 --> 00:24:49.799
So that's where we meet is at the bottom, you know.

426
00:24:50.160 --> 00:24:54.000
And but if we don't have that ability, then what

427
00:24:54.039 --> 00:24:56.960
we do is we make interpretations of the situation kind

428
00:24:57.000 --> 00:24:58.519
of in the middle, like, well, here's what I think

429
00:24:58.519 --> 00:25:01.920
about that, and then because of those interpretations, we take

430
00:25:02.440 --> 00:25:06.079
action actions on the top. So let's say I am

431
00:25:06.279 --> 00:25:09.960
upset at my husband because you know, he didn't keep

432
00:25:10.279 --> 00:25:13.680
an agreement. That's not egregious, right, Like I'm not saying

433
00:25:13.680 --> 00:25:15.759
he cheated on me or anything. It's like he didn't

434
00:25:15.759 --> 00:25:18.160
do what he said he was gonna do. So if

435
00:25:18.240 --> 00:25:22.799
I'm the way I was in my twenties and let's

436
00:25:22.799 --> 00:25:24.880
say I would sweep it under the rug. That would

437
00:25:24.880 --> 00:25:27.440
be the behavior that I do for a while, but

438
00:25:27.519 --> 00:25:30.400
I couldn't tolerate it anymore, right, And so the reactive

439
00:25:30.480 --> 00:25:33.519
behavior I do comes from the top, which of the

440
00:25:33.519 --> 00:25:36.839
top of my side of the infinity. I might be like, well,

441
00:25:36.839 --> 00:25:38.839
you didn't do that, and you must not care about

442
00:25:38.880 --> 00:25:40.319
me and what's wrong with you?

443
00:25:40.400 --> 00:25:42.720
And you know, so that might be my behavior.

444
00:25:43.400 --> 00:25:47.000
Then it's gonna make him feel, you know, And I'm saying, yes,

445
00:25:47.079 --> 00:25:49.519
I'm saying make him feel because it's a system. It's

446
00:25:49.759 --> 00:25:52.279
I look at interdependence as kind of a paradox. On

447
00:25:52.319 --> 00:25:54.720
the one hand, I can't make him feel anything, but

448
00:25:55.319 --> 00:25:59.240
on the other hand, he's gonna get triggered with his

449
00:25:59.640 --> 00:26:02.559
you know, attachment wounding. He's because he's got to make

450
00:26:02.599 --> 00:26:08.480
wrong trigger he's gonna feel made wrong. And so because

451
00:26:08.519 --> 00:26:12.480
of that, he's going to interpret that I don't respect him.

452
00:26:12.759 --> 00:26:15.160
And then the reactive behavior he's gonna have is gonna

453
00:26:15.160 --> 00:26:17.799
be to withdraw from me and you know, be like

454
00:26:17.799 --> 00:26:20.000
I don't want to deal with this, or or he'll

455
00:26:20.119 --> 00:26:22.759
argue back, you know, pick the day, depending on how

456
00:26:22.799 --> 00:26:26.160
he's feeling. And then of course that doesn't solve the problem.

457
00:26:26.279 --> 00:26:29.000
So then that's why it's in infinity, because then whatever

458
00:26:29.039 --> 00:26:30.799
he does will hurt me more, and then I'll feel

459
00:26:30.839 --> 00:26:34.039
more not attended to, and then I'll have more reactive behavior.

460
00:26:34.039 --> 00:26:36.839
And so it's like this negative cycle. And so usually

461
00:26:37.400 --> 00:26:39.799
if couples are either fighting or distant, they're caught in

462
00:26:39.839 --> 00:26:40.880
a negative cycle.

463
00:26:41.279 --> 00:26:42.440
And so who I'm.

464
00:26:42.279 --> 00:26:45.559
Getting from him is not really who he is when

465
00:26:45.559 --> 00:26:49.440
he feels respected. It's him reacting to me. And so

466
00:26:49.559 --> 00:26:52.960
that's why when I change my behavior and I'm vulnerable,

467
00:26:53.039 --> 00:26:55.559
then he feels safer with me, and then he'll actually

468
00:26:55.559 --> 00:26:57.799
come and connect with me and work it out.

469
00:26:58.079 --> 00:26:59.519
Well. You know what's interesting.

470
00:26:59.599 --> 00:27:04.720
I've developed something called the behavioral transformation ladder, and it

471
00:27:04.759 --> 00:27:09.319
goes back to a number of different emotional you know,

472
00:27:09.400 --> 00:27:13.119
the concepts that people have developed. But what I find

473
00:27:13.160 --> 00:27:16.960
interesting is that, and this is in general that it's

474
00:27:17.200 --> 00:27:21.799
I think an application to relationships too, is that we

475
00:27:21.920 --> 00:27:26.200
tend as we're surrounding ourselves with people. And we see

476
00:27:26.240 --> 00:27:28.640
this a lot now with social media and what's happening

477
00:27:28.759 --> 00:27:32.119
right now with overall culture there in the United States

478
00:27:32.759 --> 00:27:38.119
is that when people are angry, they're frustrated, you see

479
00:27:38.119 --> 00:27:41.440
this all the time. What happens is the people that

480
00:27:42.000 --> 00:27:47.920
surround them also become upset. In other words, whoever you're with,

481
00:27:48.400 --> 00:27:53.000
whatever their emotional level is, you tend to either go

482
00:27:53.119 --> 00:27:57.599
down towards that or go up towards that. And I

483
00:27:57.640 --> 00:28:00.519
think this is something that's just come in my mind,

484
00:28:00.519 --> 00:28:04.799
but I think that there's something of a very subconscious

485
00:28:05.119 --> 00:28:07.240
emotional level for people.

486
00:28:07.759 --> 00:28:08.880
For instance, as.

487
00:28:08.680 --> 00:28:11.559
You were growing up and what you went through, what

488
00:28:11.559 --> 00:28:16.759
would you say was probably was that doubt? Was that uncertainty,

489
00:28:16.960 --> 00:28:22.440
was that worry? Was that you know, blame? Was it insecurity?

490
00:28:22.640 --> 00:28:26.440
Was it guilt? Was it grief? What was that? Would

491
00:28:26.480 --> 00:28:27.599
you say in your own case?

492
00:28:28.200 --> 00:28:28.319
Oh?

493
00:28:28.400 --> 00:28:31.319
For me, like in terms of like how I felt

494
00:28:31.599 --> 00:28:35.200
in relationship with other people, Uh huh yeah, I mean

495
00:28:35.440 --> 00:28:38.480
I'm kind of complicated, So it would depend on the situation.

496
00:28:38.640 --> 00:28:42.759
But I would feel I always felt an underpinning on

497
00:28:43.000 --> 00:28:46.720
anxiety before I really learned how to regulate my nervousness. Okay,

498
00:28:46.759 --> 00:28:49.400
I would say that I had disorganized attachment before I

499
00:28:49.440 --> 00:28:50.160
started healing.

500
00:28:50.240 --> 00:28:52.200
So that's why I was sort of all across the board.

501
00:28:52.720 --> 00:28:54.400
So I'm going to stop you right there though for

502
00:28:54.440 --> 00:28:58.799
a minute. So you're at anxiety, okay, And as I

503
00:28:58.839 --> 00:29:03.640
look at my ladder or that anxiety is number fourteen,

504
00:29:04.200 --> 00:29:05.160
which is down there.

505
00:29:05.319 --> 00:29:07.160
Number one is the top.

506
00:29:08.000 --> 00:29:10.839
The ideal place at least to bee is number seven,

507
00:29:10.880 --> 00:29:13.759
where it's at least content and stable and so forth.

508
00:29:14.200 --> 00:29:18.319
So it's interesting that I think subconsciously we may not

509
00:29:18.400 --> 00:29:23.119
even realize that because that underlying emotional level that we're

510
00:29:23.200 --> 00:29:30.079
at is below that optimal situation, that then whoever we're

511
00:29:30.119 --> 00:29:35.720
with in a relationship is unknowingly unconsciously being brought down

512
00:29:36.079 --> 00:29:39.480
to that level also, which I think goes to what

513
00:29:39.519 --> 00:29:43.079
we were talking about, how one individual in a relationship

514
00:29:43.559 --> 00:29:47.200
literally if they can raise themselves up on that emotional

515
00:29:47.359 --> 00:29:50.480
level and get to the point where they're at least content,

516
00:29:50.720 --> 00:29:55.359
if not really experiencing positivity and joy and so forth,

517
00:29:55.680 --> 00:29:58.519
that as they do that, they start to bring up

518
00:29:58.880 --> 00:30:02.359
their partner in a similar way. And I don't I

519
00:30:02.400 --> 00:30:05.440
haven't heard people talk about that much, and yet I

520
00:30:05.480 --> 00:30:09.400
think that that's a subtlety that exists in these relationships

521
00:30:09.680 --> 00:30:12.200
that we don't realize. In fact, as I was interviewing

522
00:30:12.279 --> 00:30:15.880
one person and we were talking about emotional intelligence, one

523
00:30:15.920 --> 00:30:17.960
of the comments that they made was that they have

524
00:30:18.079 --> 00:30:23.240
found studies wise that someone who is highly emotionally intelligent

525
00:30:23.839 --> 00:30:27.200
is more successful in life than someone that has a

526
00:30:27.279 --> 00:30:31.000
high IQ. And so I think it's so important for

527
00:30:31.039 --> 00:30:33.680
people to understand how important that is.

528
00:30:34.599 --> 00:30:38.279
No totally, I mean how I would summarize what you

529
00:30:38.359 --> 00:30:42.599
just said as emotions are contagious, you know, which is true.

530
00:30:42.640 --> 00:30:45.519
I mean we have mirror neurns even but with our

531
00:30:45.640 --> 00:30:49.799
attachment partner. You know, the studies show that we influence

532
00:30:49.880 --> 00:30:53.400
each other's blood pressure and heart rate and you know,

533
00:30:53.519 --> 00:30:59.079
nervous system regulation. So yes, it's it's absolutely true that

534
00:30:59.119 --> 00:31:05.119
if I raise my consciousness you know, to a higher level.

535
00:31:05.279 --> 00:31:07.920
In fact, in an ipack, I was trained in a

536
00:31:08.039 --> 00:31:11.200
system called energy leadership, which sounds a little bit similar

537
00:31:11.240 --> 00:31:13.200
to the latter you were talking about, because it starts

538
00:31:13.279 --> 00:31:17.240
at either anxiety or victim mentality, and then it goes

539
00:31:17.279 --> 00:31:19.440
to anger, and then there's above the line where you

540
00:31:19.480 --> 00:31:22.759
take responsibility, and then you feel more contentment and more

541
00:31:23.000 --> 00:31:26.119
seizing opportunities, and you know, then the higher levels are

542
00:31:26.119 --> 00:31:30.240
more spiritual. But so I'll say, as you raise your

543
00:31:30.240 --> 00:31:32.920
consciousness or raise your vibration, you know, or you move

544
00:31:33.000 --> 00:31:34.920
up the emotional scale, you know.

545
00:31:34.920 --> 00:31:36.480
Which esther Hicks talks about.

546
00:31:37.680 --> 00:31:41.039
Then, yes, the people that are the closest to you

547
00:31:41.119 --> 00:31:44.079
will be entrained. You know, it's kind of like I

548
00:31:44.119 --> 00:31:46.400
look at it like in trainment as like two tuning forks.

549
00:31:46.960 --> 00:31:48.880
You hold one tuning fork next to another and it

550
00:31:48.960 --> 00:31:52.759
vibrates at a similar frequency. So emotions kind of work

551
00:31:52.799 --> 00:31:56.000
the same way. That's how I would sort of vibe

552
00:31:56.039 --> 00:31:56.799
off what you're saying.

553
00:31:57.240 --> 00:32:01.359
So how do how do you help people do recognize

554
00:32:01.440 --> 00:32:05.400
Number one, where they happen to be on that emotional ladder? Okay,

555
00:32:05.799 --> 00:32:10.839
but secondarily, how do you help them to identify those

556
00:32:11.720 --> 00:32:15.480
what do you call it? Emotional triggers that people have

557
00:32:16.200 --> 00:32:20.400
that they don't even recognize, are literally, in many cases

558
00:32:20.559 --> 00:32:23.839
controlling their lives. How do you take someone that's called

559
00:32:23.920 --> 00:32:25.960
you and said, hey, I need your help? How do

560
00:32:26.000 --> 00:32:29.960
you help them number one, you start to identify those

561
00:32:30.000 --> 00:32:31.039
emotional triggers?

562
00:32:31.519 --> 00:32:32.960
Yeah, I love that question.

563
00:32:33.559 --> 00:32:36.039
And it is different when I work with individuals or couples,

564
00:32:36.079 --> 00:32:38.680
Because if I work with a couple, then I use

565
00:32:38.839 --> 00:32:41.200
the framework that I just mentioned, because it's really cool,

566
00:32:41.720 --> 00:32:46.759
that infinity loop. I mean, it's called in emotionally focused therapy,

567
00:32:46.799 --> 00:32:49.519
it's called your cycle, and we can get positive cycles

568
00:32:49.599 --> 00:32:51.839
or negative cycles, because if I work with a couple,

569
00:32:52.519 --> 00:32:54.559
then if they look at the cycle together, they can

570
00:32:54.599 --> 00:32:57.319
see how my moves trigger your moves, and then you

571
00:32:57.359 --> 00:32:59.839
start blaming the cycle rather than each other. And then

572
00:33:00.119 --> 00:33:02.359
you can connect with your feelings and needs and learn

573
00:33:02.400 --> 00:33:05.200
emotional intelligence and you kind of discover your triggers together,

574
00:33:05.880 --> 00:33:08.839
which is really nice because then it's not like you're

575
00:33:08.880 --> 00:33:12.079
being each other's therapist, but you're giving each other empathy

576
00:33:12.079 --> 00:33:14.559
and compassion for your triggers. And I have an exercise

577
00:33:15.000 --> 00:33:20.440
that I lead people through called the raw Spot exercise,

578
00:33:20.480 --> 00:33:23.519
which comes from Susan Johnson. So if I work with

579
00:33:23.559 --> 00:33:25.680
a couple, they do that together. But if I work

580
00:33:25.720 --> 00:33:28.559
with an individual, then we take a look at what

581
00:33:28.680 --> 00:33:31.519
was the triggering incident, you know, But it's not about

582
00:33:31.599 --> 00:33:34.880
the incident. You know, somebody said something, didn't say something,

583
00:33:35.200 --> 00:33:37.920
or you didn't say something, or they did something, didn't

584
00:33:37.920 --> 00:33:41.559
do something, or you know, whatever made you upset or

585
00:33:41.599 --> 00:33:47.119
angry or anxious or sad or you know whatever. So

586
00:33:47.160 --> 00:33:49.519
what trigger is something that kind of takes you from

587
00:33:49.640 --> 00:33:54.960
feeling good or content or happy and all of a sudden, now.

588
00:33:55.039 --> 00:33:56.119
You're not happy anymore.

589
00:33:56.160 --> 00:34:00.039
You're you know, upset or you're you know, I I

590
00:34:00.079 --> 00:34:02.319
think upset is kind of the umbrella term. So we

591
00:34:02.400 --> 00:34:06.359
take a look at what was it that upset you.

592
00:34:06.680 --> 00:34:10.360
But it's not about the outside circumstance. It's what happened

593
00:34:10.400 --> 00:34:13.519
in you when that got triggered, and what thoughts went

594
00:34:13.559 --> 00:34:16.000
through your head, what feelings happened in your body, what

595
00:34:16.039 --> 00:34:20.440
did you make that mean, and what are the patterns?

596
00:34:20.480 --> 00:34:22.360
So I have people look at patterns that come up,

597
00:34:22.719 --> 00:34:26.440
you know, because we a trigger is basically like like

598
00:34:26.480 --> 00:34:29.280
I have a trigger around being misunderstood, for example, So

599
00:34:29.320 --> 00:34:32.280
anytime I'm misunderstood. Now, of course I know how to

600
00:34:32.800 --> 00:34:35.639
regulate my nervous system and when I'm triggered, I don't

601
00:34:35.639 --> 00:34:39.280
have to get reactive when I'm misunderstood, but I can

602
00:34:39.400 --> 00:34:42.119
say I feel misunderstood, and can we talk about that?

603
00:34:42.199 --> 00:34:44.960
So I feel understood, you know, but it's still a

604
00:34:45.000 --> 00:34:47.400
trigger for me. I feel like my heart wreak goes up,

605
00:34:47.480 --> 00:34:50.360
and you know, I kind of like feel.

606
00:34:52.079 --> 00:34:52.719
Agitated.

607
00:34:53.280 --> 00:34:55.880
And because that's been a trigger for me for a

608
00:34:55.960 --> 00:34:59.920
really long time. So I have people identify the past,

609
00:35:00.639 --> 00:35:04.199
like what pattern happens that triggers you, and then how

610
00:35:04.199 --> 00:35:07.360
do you feel and what do you need in this moments?

611
00:35:07.480 --> 00:35:10.199
You know, I really help people identify because in need

612
00:35:10.280 --> 00:35:11.880
is not what you need the other person.

613
00:35:11.639 --> 00:35:14.320
To do, you know. That's what a lot of times

614
00:35:14.360 --> 00:35:16.480
we think that if we need something, we're being needy.

615
00:35:17.320 --> 00:35:20.639
And my definition of needy is that you want the

616
00:35:20.679 --> 00:35:24.480
other person to change, you know, And that's not what

617
00:35:24.480 --> 00:35:25.199
a need is.

618
00:35:25.360 --> 00:35:29.440
That's what a strategy is. Like strategy is if they change.

619
00:35:29.199 --> 00:35:31.119
My need to be met. But then that puts the

620
00:35:31.159 --> 00:35:33.639
power outside of yourself. So I don't recommend that.

621
00:35:35.079 --> 00:35:39.400
So, yeah, let me ask you another question. Because as

622
00:35:39.480 --> 00:35:43.039
you're working with someone and they identify that, Okay, here's

623
00:35:43.079 --> 00:35:46.280
the event which has no emotion. An event does not

624
00:35:46.320 --> 00:35:49.599
have an emotion attached to it. I attach an emotion

625
00:35:50.000 --> 00:35:53.079
to that, whether it's someone that somebody said something, or

626
00:35:53.119 --> 00:35:58.280
whatever happens. And then you identify that, Okay, that emotion

627
00:35:58.440 --> 00:36:01.199
came up. How often do you use something like the

628
00:36:01.360 --> 00:36:07.239
NLP to go back and identify where that came from?

629
00:36:07.280 --> 00:36:08.599
Where did it originate?

630
00:36:09.159 --> 00:36:12.440
And once you get back there, how often can you

631
00:36:12.519 --> 00:36:17.840
find that by reframing that into something different, that it

632
00:36:18.159 --> 00:36:21.760
all of a sudden changes that reaction and that trigger.

633
00:36:22.280 --> 00:36:24.960
Yeah, that's the really exciting part. So what you're talking

634
00:36:24.960 --> 00:36:29.119
about is the phenomenon of memory reconsolidation. So you know,

635
00:36:29.239 --> 00:36:32.440
NLP is I think the easiest way that I do

636
00:36:32.519 --> 00:36:35.119
that with people. I'm also trained in hakomi kind of

637
00:36:35.159 --> 00:36:38.800
like a deeper way of you know, it just depends

638
00:36:38.840 --> 00:36:41.960
on I think, especially triggers that happen from zero to

639
00:36:42.280 --> 00:36:45.800
like the ones that are preverbal, like from zero to three,

640
00:36:46.199 --> 00:36:50.199
let's say, are harder to do with NLP because you

641
00:36:50.239 --> 00:36:54.360
need conscious memories with NLP, But with the hakomi, which

642
00:36:54.400 --> 00:36:58.199
is a somatic healing modality, then we can actually access

643
00:36:58.519 --> 00:37:01.119
where that might have come from earlier than that and

644
00:37:01.199 --> 00:37:04.519
reprogram it. But yeah, I mean what I would say

645
00:37:04.639 --> 00:37:07.280
is I always start out like That's why I love

646
00:37:07.360 --> 00:37:09.199
that I have a variety of tools because I always

647
00:37:09.239 --> 00:37:13.480
start out with the cognitive behavioral approach, reprogram beliefs and patterns,

648
00:37:13.719 --> 00:37:15.800
and if that works, great, you don't have to go deeper.

649
00:37:16.119 --> 00:37:18.639
You know, I don't need, you know, because I'm a coach,

650
00:37:18.679 --> 00:37:22.480
not a therapist. We're always focusing on what you want first,

651
00:37:22.880 --> 00:37:26.679
and you know, with relationships, what you want is usually

652
00:37:26.719 --> 00:37:29.599
if you're single, to find a partner that makes you

653
00:37:29.639 --> 00:37:32.840
feel loved and cherished and adored and respected and you know,

654
00:37:33.119 --> 00:37:37.360
thriving and all of that and turned on and happy.

655
00:37:38.000 --> 00:37:42.599
But you know, if you're married, then you probably want

656
00:37:42.800 --> 00:37:46.719
to rekindle the passion and the harmony that was there,

657
00:37:46.800 --> 00:37:48.920
you know. So what you want is not like a

658
00:37:48.960 --> 00:37:50.800
goal like if I was a business coach, you know,

659
00:37:51.199 --> 00:37:53.320
it's more like a goal of how you want to

660
00:37:53.360 --> 00:37:56.480
be feeling together. But so that's always how what we

661
00:37:56.559 --> 00:37:59.320
focus on is what do you want? But then obviously

662
00:38:00.159 --> 00:38:03.039
I help people take action towards what they want, and

663
00:38:03.079 --> 00:38:06.800
inevitably these limiting beliefs and patterns sabotage it. So the

664
00:38:06.840 --> 00:38:09.920
first way, I mean not inevitably, So I have actually

665
00:38:09.920 --> 00:38:14.599
coached people that get what they want quickly. And you know,

666
00:38:15.280 --> 00:38:17.159
there's one couple I worked with where they started at

667
00:38:17.199 --> 00:38:18.840
with all these issues. I thought it was going to

668
00:38:18.920 --> 00:38:22.679
be like months of working with me, but after four

669
00:38:22.800 --> 00:38:26.320
sessions they were happy again. So you know, I don't

670
00:38:26.320 --> 00:38:28.800
think it has to be complicated, right, but I just

671
00:38:28.840 --> 00:38:32.440
have a robust toolkit in case it is. So the

672
00:38:32.480 --> 00:38:36.400
first thing I do is the cognitive behavioral approach, where

673
00:38:36.519 --> 00:38:40.320
I say, you know, well, what's the limiting belief you know,

674
00:38:40.559 --> 00:38:44.039
or or what's the pattern that you want to reprogram,

675
00:38:44.079 --> 00:38:46.119
what's the truth? How do you want to feel? How

676
00:38:46.119 --> 00:38:48.360
do you what do you need to believe in order

677
00:38:48.400 --> 00:38:52.760
to feel that way? You know, what's evidence that belief

678
00:38:52.800 --> 00:38:55.039
is true? You know what action would you take?

679
00:38:55.119 --> 00:38:55.239
Right?

680
00:38:55.280 --> 00:38:58.559
So that's that's the coaching approach, right, And I would

681
00:38:58.599 --> 00:39:00.800
say that that works in a fair amount of cases.

682
00:39:00.840 --> 00:39:04.320
But if that doesn't work, it certainly doesn't work for

683
00:39:04.400 --> 00:39:08.880
me very well, just because you know, my my my

684
00:39:08.920 --> 00:39:12.239
wounds are a little nuanced. Then we'll start with the

685
00:39:12.400 --> 00:39:16.199
NLP pattern of re imprinting, which I love, or timeline

686
00:39:16.199 --> 00:39:20.239
therapy as it's also referred to. So it's you know,

687
00:39:20.480 --> 00:39:24.480
kind of like it always starts with disidentifying from it.

688
00:39:24.639 --> 00:39:27.280
So it's not like you'd get re traumatized if you

689
00:39:27.880 --> 00:39:30.079
bring up the memory and relive it, you know, So

690
00:39:30.119 --> 00:39:30.920
it's not about that.

691
00:39:31.360 --> 00:39:32.639
It's about kind of.

692
00:39:32.559 --> 00:39:37.639
Seeing it on a movie screen usually but with the

693
00:39:37.760 --> 00:39:44.800
hookomi of experiential the experiential modality. Then if it feels safe,

694
00:39:44.840 --> 00:39:48.320
then you can kind of feel what you were feeling

695
00:39:48.320 --> 00:39:51.559
back then, but you don't have to, especially in NLP,

696
00:39:51.920 --> 00:39:53.920
it can be about seeing it as a movie screen

697
00:39:54.280 --> 00:39:56.239
and what did you need back then and imagine that

698
00:39:56.280 --> 00:39:57.079
it went differently.

699
00:39:57.320 --> 00:40:01.360
Well, you know, it's interesting I you've experienced it and wipe,

700
00:40:01.559 --> 00:40:03.880
and I've experienced the other two. I don't know what

701
00:40:03.920 --> 00:40:08.119
they call it, that I actually went back, and for me,

702
00:40:08.199 --> 00:40:11.800
at least, my perception was is that I heard my

703
00:40:11.920 --> 00:40:15.360
parents talking while I was in the wooms, something that

704
00:40:15.360 --> 00:40:18.519
my mother said to my dad, and because I identify

705
00:40:18.639 --> 00:40:22.800
with my dad, that became that limiting belief for me.

706
00:40:23.480 --> 00:40:27.119
And so I think it's important for people to understand

707
00:40:27.719 --> 00:40:30.239
and realize that, you know what, we can be so

708
00:40:30.400 --> 00:40:33.639
affected by things we don't even realize we can be

709
00:40:33.719 --> 00:40:35.079
affected by.

710
00:40:35.159 --> 00:40:38.159
And so we're running out of time.

711
00:40:38.639 --> 00:40:40.679
We could go well, we could go on for quite

712
00:40:40.679 --> 00:40:44.719
a while on this one, but as we get close

713
00:40:44.719 --> 00:40:49.719
to the end, what would be one bit of information

714
00:40:50.440 --> 00:40:52.880
and thoughts that you'd like to share with the audience.

715
00:40:52.920 --> 00:40:54.199
What would that message be?

716
00:40:55.000 --> 00:40:59.599
Yeah, Yeah, I love that you said that, And gosh,

717
00:40:59.639 --> 00:41:02.199
I'm still kind of focused on what you just said.

718
00:41:02.199 --> 00:41:03.400
I mean, I want to validate it.

719
00:41:04.519 --> 00:41:08.239
But so the message that I would say is that

720
00:41:08.400 --> 00:41:13.960
no matter what you can attract healthy, happy love, it

721
00:41:14.000 --> 00:41:18.079
is really not your fault if you're caught in unhealthy

722
00:41:18.119 --> 00:41:22.400
patterns because we just don't know our own blind spots.

723
00:41:22.800 --> 00:41:27.920
But if we do know how to be emotionally intelligent,

724
00:41:28.519 --> 00:41:31.360
how to know what we need instead of what we want,

725
00:41:31.400 --> 00:41:35.679
and focus on being solution focused, you know, like really

726
00:41:36.199 --> 00:41:41.320
approaching other people from a collaborative space and talking about

727
00:41:41.320 --> 00:41:46.199
our feelings and needs in a really attuned way, then

728
00:41:46.639 --> 00:41:49.400
you know, will only be attracted to other people that

729
00:41:49.440 --> 00:41:50.599
are emotionally available.

730
00:41:50.639 --> 00:41:52.119
And if you're in a.

731
00:41:52.079 --> 00:41:56.039
Marriage, then if you change and you show up in

732
00:41:56.079 --> 00:41:58.559
a different way, your partner can change and you can

733
00:41:58.599 --> 00:42:01.440
have the relationship that you had when you first got together.

734
00:42:01.760 --> 00:42:03.320
So it's all possible.

735
00:42:03.679 --> 00:42:05.079
Yeah, So how do people find you?

736
00:42:05.440 --> 00:42:09.239
Well, my website is coach Valerie Green dot com, so

737
00:42:09.320 --> 00:42:12.760
that's co A C H V A L E R

738
00:42:12.880 --> 00:42:15.679
I E and Green has an E at the end

739
00:42:15.679 --> 00:42:18.400
of it, so coach Valeriegreen dot com. And I actually

740
00:42:18.400 --> 00:42:21.880
do have four free gifts, So if you go on

741
00:42:21.920 --> 00:42:26.320
my web page under the free Ebooks Trainings tab, I

742
00:42:26.360 --> 00:42:32.599
have information no matter whether you're single partnered, you know,

743
00:42:33.159 --> 00:42:38.039
And also I have an entire ebook on how to

744
00:42:38.360 --> 00:42:41.039
work through your limiting beliefs and patterns that we talked about,

745
00:42:41.119 --> 00:42:42.960
So that's the healing one.

746
00:42:43.039 --> 00:42:45.880
So I just love to share these tools with the world.

747
00:42:46.199 --> 00:42:49.199
Well, Valerie, thank you so much. I you know what,

748
00:42:50.000 --> 00:42:53.159
I appreciate what you're doing so much. I think to

749
00:42:53.280 --> 00:42:56.239
be able to realize that what your experience has brought

750
00:42:56.320 --> 00:42:58.360
you to the point where you are now giving back,

751
00:42:58.639 --> 00:43:02.920
that you're really helping people, and particularly relationships are so

752
00:43:02.960 --> 00:43:06.360
important in our lives. And to be able to help

753
00:43:06.400 --> 00:43:09.880
people to understand how if they can change their own

754
00:43:10.400 --> 00:43:14.719
level of as you say, emotional intelligence and get rid

755
00:43:14.760 --> 00:43:17.480
of some of those not get rid, but identify those

756
00:43:17.519 --> 00:43:21.320
triggers and modify the effect that they have on us,

757
00:43:21.760 --> 00:43:24.719
that that can change so much the relationships we have

758
00:43:24.840 --> 00:43:25.440
with others.

759
00:43:25.519 --> 00:43:29.800
So thank you so much. Yeah for being on the show.

760
00:43:30.199 --> 00:43:31.599
You're welcome. Yeah, it's a pleasure.

761
00:43:31.760 --> 00:43:35.679
It's just it is my deepest privilege to be able

762
00:43:35.719 --> 00:43:37.519
to help people with their relationships.

763
00:43:37.840 --> 00:43:40.800
Well, I appreciate it, and thanks for listening. I hope

764
00:43:40.840 --> 00:43:43.360
you've enjoyed it. Look forward to having you join us

765
00:43:43.360 --> 00:43:47.480
again soon. This is doctor Duck saying no mistay, no mistay.

766
00:43:47.960 --> 00:43:51.039
Every conversation on this podcast eventually comes back to that

767
00:43:51.159 --> 00:43:54.559
same question, not how do I get more? But is

768
00:43:54.599 --> 00:43:58.360
this actually who I am. If something you heard today

769
00:43:58.559 --> 00:44:00.599
moved you just a little close a sert to an

770
00:44:00.599 --> 00:44:02.679
honest answer, that is enough.

771
00:44:03.079 --> 00:44:04.039
I'm doctor Doug.

772
00:44:04.480 --> 00:44:05.639
This is Inspire Vision.

773
00:44:06.119 --> 00:44:07.000
Until next time.