Feb. 17, 2026

Build New Bridges: Turning Impossible Conversations Into Connection

Build New Bridges: Turning Impossible Conversations Into Connection
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Master coach and author Greg Stephens shares how “owning your side of the street” restores fractured relationships—from a hard-won reconciliation with his father to step-by-step skills couples, families, and friends can use right now. We unpack respect, intent, listening that lands, and practicing until insight becomes habit. Plus: his book Build New Bridges and where to find it. https://www.alignment-resources.com/

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WEBVTT

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This program is designed to provide general information with regards

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to the subject matters covered. This information is given with

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the understanding that neither the hosts, guests, sponsors, or station

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are engaged in rendering any specific and personal medical, financial,

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legal counseling, professional service, or any advice. You should seek

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the services of competent professionals before applying or trying any

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suggested ideas.

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At the end of the day, it's not about what

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you have or even what you've accomplished. It's about what

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you've done with those accomplishments. It's about who you've lifted up,

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who you've made better. It's about what you've given back.

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Denzel Washington, Welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is

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to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you

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to do the same.

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Great Welcome to the show, Doctor Doug. Thank you for

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having me here. I really appreciate you having me on today.

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I'm excited. I love looking to the bookcase behind you

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and all of your books there, so that's great. I

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keep wanting to write one, but well, I've written one book,

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but I'd love to write some more.

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Boy, I'll tell you what it's tough. It is Well,

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I have to say I've only written one. I'm on

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the second one right now, but all of those are

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programs i'm actually master certified in. I've been teaching all

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of those classes, like Crucial Conversations for more than twenty

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four years, so I've been doing that, but I put

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them back there because they're a big part of my life.

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Well, that's fantastic. What I'd like you to do is

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kind of shared quickly your background, who you are and

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what your background is.

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Yeah, I'm Greg Stevens and I went to Baylor University,

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put myself through in four years, worked in a lot

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of different sales jobs, and in back in nineteen ninety nine,

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I actually started my own business where I teach communication skills.

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I used to teach man women relationship programs. I became

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a master certified and Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability. Did that

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work for about twenty four years, and then I wrote

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my own book and called Build New Bridges The Art

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of Restoring Impossible Relationships, and I released that in January

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of this year, twenty twenty five. This might not air

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until twenty twenty six. It was January twenty twenty five

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when I actually actually released my book, and I teach

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people how to have the most difficult conversations of their life.

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I taught teaching crucial conversations was amazing, but I found

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people needed handholding to actually learn the skills. A consistency

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practice creates permanence in the insights you have. I find

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so often people have these insights, but they don't know

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how to make them permanent. And that's what I do

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with people, help them with that be able to have

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the most difficult.

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Conversations for their fantastic and you know, later on i'll

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share youty okay about that. But meanwhile, you who got

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a great story about your father and really kind.

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Of what led up?

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If I read the story right, it's kind of what

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led you to write your book. Is that a fair assessment?

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Yes, yeah, it is. As I was teaching crucial conversations,

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I thought, how can I be the type of leader

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that practices what they teach? And I had a crazy

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idea to go clean up all my past relationships. So

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when I say clean up a past relationship, people say,

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what does that mean? Well, if you're walking down a

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hall and you had an alternative route to go to

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your destination rather than past that person, you took the

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alternative route. That was a relationship I needed to clean up,

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real simple litmus test. So I had a list of

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thirty six people on the list, and it took me

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about two and a half years. And the first chapter

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of my book is about my relationship with my father

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because it is the very last conversation I had after

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two and a half years. I put it off until

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I couldn't put it off anymore, and I told my

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mom I was finally going to have the conversation with

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my father. She said, and she was always my cheerleader

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up to that point. She said, no, you don't. She said,

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I'll never see you again if you have that conversation

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with your father. Because my father was a very strict

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old time Southern Baptist Hellfire and Brimstone walk up in

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the aisle down the off, screaming preacher, and my life

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was very different than that, and I wanted to come

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clean with my dad about my life and so but

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I talked with her and she said, she said, I

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understand why you need to have it. So I had

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the conversation with my dad and it didn't go well

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at first. Needless to say, I approached him using all

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the skills I have, and at the end of me

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laying everything out to him, my dad looked at me

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straight in the face. He said, son, you're a hypocrite,

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You're a liar, and I never want to talk to

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you again. Wow.

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And here, and how how old were you at that time?

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I was thirty eight thirty eight of the time, and

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he looked at me when he said that. I think

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it was thirty eight, thirty six or thirty eight. I'm

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trying to remember right now, but yeah. And in that moment,

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everything in me said, I'm the hypocrite. You're the hypocrite,

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because I remembered all the things he had done, and

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in that moment I nearly called him a hypocrite. And

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we would have gotten to what we call a downward spiral.

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But something stopped me, and then all of my training

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started to kick in, and I asked myself questions. I

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turned my brain back on, and I thought, you know,

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what is it I really want here with my father?

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Why did I do this in the first place. Well,

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I was originally doing it to be able to stand

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in front of a group saying I practiced this, But

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in that moment, I realized, like every little boy, I

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wanted a relationship with my father, no matter what that was.

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And when that hit, everything started to change. What's my

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I roll in this? And I realized Dad was right.

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I was a hypocrite to him because I would tell

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him to his face what he wanted to hear, and

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I'd live my life a different way. But I was

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trying to get that cleaned up. And the next question

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is like, why would I reasonable, rational, decent person do

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what he's doing right now? He's not reasonable, rational or decent.

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But that's not what the question is about. It's about

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turning your own brain back on. And I realized the

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reason he's acting that way is he's fearful. He feels

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like a failure. Right now is my father and as

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my minister all my life. And then what do I

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need to do right now to actually move toward what

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I want? I knew what I needed to do, and

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I looked at him, and all my preparation went out

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the door, but my heart came out. I looked at

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him and said, Dad, you're right, I am a hypocrite

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to you. Mom knows what I do, my family knows,

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all my friends know. I live my life out in

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the open. I've kept it from you because I was

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worried you want to disown me, and I can see

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I was right right now, but that's not what I want.

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I said, you said you'd stay an entire week, you

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just got here. Would you give me just three more days?

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But if you stay those three days, we have to

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talk about everything we kept from each other. So if

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we never see each other again in this lifetime, at

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least we will know who we were to each other.

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My dad looked at me. He's crying. He said, son,

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it won't make a bit of difference, but I'll give

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you the three days. Then I never want to see

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your face again. I can't look at you right now.

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You make me sick. He walked out the door and

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slammed the door. So that was that conversation. But he

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came back in about two hours later after driving around

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and sat down and said, let's do this talking thing.

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So that was my audience. But over the next three

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days we talked about everything that really mattered, and it

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was the first time I ever had a connection with

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my father, and I was so happy because after three days,

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I thought, Wow, this is amazing. I've got the relationship

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with my father I've always wanted. And the next morning

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I woke up and he's standing at the door with

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his luggage. He said, well, I'm gonna go. I told

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you i'd gone after three days, and my heart sunk.

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I said, okay. I walked him out the door, and

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he throws his luggage in the trunk, closes it, looks

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me dead in the eye, says nothing gets in his car.

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He drives away and he dies three years later. Now

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the reason I start that with a book because when

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you show up for your conversations that I teach you

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can never change the other person. All you can do

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is do your best. But I also found out that day,

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when you do your best, you have no idea what

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can show up and happen. Because that car stopped about

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halfway down the street. It sat there, A second backed

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up pulled in. My dad got out, came running to me,

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hugged me and cry and he says, son, I love you,

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and I like you. I like the man you become.

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He said, honestly, I always wanted you to be a preacher.

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You like to party way too much for that, he said.

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I always me about the alcohol. But he said I'd

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like to start this relationship you're talking about. And once

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you get several days ago as a conversation, now it's

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a relationship. And before my dad passed away, he and

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I became amazing, amazingly closed, great friends. Everything was said,

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there was real completion, and it was interesting because my

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dad told me one time. I said, Dad, here's I

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would like to tell our story to people, and here's

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how I'd like to tell it. And I told it

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to him, just like I told you today, and he

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looked at me and said, son, I'm not that way anymore.

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And when I consistently tell people when I'm working with them,

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you have no ability to change another person. But if

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you change how you do things, they may have to

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change how they engage with you. And that's your real power.

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Most people get in these situations with people they want

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to blame them, They want to see them as the problem.

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I see each interaction like that as my ability and

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chance to grow to get better, to be able to

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speak into their listening. It's a hard thing to speak

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into someone else's listening because you've got to consider their view,

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their judgments, how they view the world, and understand love

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them through that care for him because they're just a

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hurting soul just like you are.

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So I have a very personal question for you. So

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as you as you made that difference in your relationship

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with your dad, and that relationship change, and you saw

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your dad change with his behavior towards you, did you

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see his behavior change towards his congregation or towards other

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people or was he still the same SOB that you

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had experienced as a preacher.

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Yeah, I saw him. I always. Here's what it was interesting.

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My dad always loved other people at a level that

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he knew how to connect. I believe that's where I

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got my understanding of how to connect with people. It

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was just his own kids. He didn't My mom even said,

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she said, son, your father was a great husband. He

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was just a terrible father. But you look at his

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parents and I understood why. But one of the things

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I do love is my father. Even when he could

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he had cancer, he couldn't get out and talk to people,

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he called people every day and said he went through

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you know, they had a small congregation, but he went

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every week. He called everyone in his in his congregation

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to be able to engage with well.

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And the reason I asked that is because as I

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interviewed a lot of people, I think one of the

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points that has really hit me strongly, and particularly for

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people who are in really difficult relationships. You know, you

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with your dad, but many times it's spouses, and you know,

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I need to change my spouse. I need to make

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them this way, I need to make them that way.

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And kind of the whole concept that we've talked about

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is that as you change and as you develop those

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skills of communication, of conversation and all of that, all

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of a sudden, many many times, maybe higher percentage than not,

227
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that person for some reason changes without going through that

228
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whole process of personal transformation and so forth. Have you

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seen that happen with the folks you work with every

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single time?

231
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Yeah, because there's a there's a connection that happens. Doesn't

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mean they do everything differently, but how they engage with

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the other person. There's also what I found is when

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someone has the courage to step up, there's a compassion

235
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and understanding that happens on the other side. Most people

236
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when I work with them, I don't want to have

237
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this conversation. I don't either. I want what's on the

238
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other side of the conversation. It's always hard. And but

239
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the question is are you trading your piece or what

240
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you think is comfort? Because I've seen people put up

241
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conversations for two, five, even ten years, and at the

242
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end of it, if they're going to get forward, they've

243
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still got to go have that conversation. I'd rather have

244
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a fifteen minute to two hour conversation with someone than

245
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live with that for ten years. And well, you too, Yeah,

246
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what you typically find is you to answer your question,

247
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doctor Doug is yeah, because there's something that happens in

248
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that interaction. There's a human thing that goes on. And

249
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there's what I found is there's a realization of hope

250
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where there wasn't hope before.

251
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Well, and you know, we're going to get into a

252
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lot of these concepts of how do you have a

253
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better conversation and how do you change that relationship I'd

254
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shared with you before we actually came on the show

255
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that I have. I have kind of a fun story

256
00:13:52.039 --> 00:13:56.639
growing up. My children experienced this with me their parent.

257
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Years into it, I realized I really started looking at

258
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communication and one of the things I realize is that

259
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words are so important, the words.

260
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That we use.

261
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And so I would teach my children, and I would

262
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do this too, is that if I used the word

263
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that I thought maybe they didn't understand, I would say,

264
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here's what that word means to me, okay. And so

265
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I was talking to my daughter the other day and

266
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she was telling me about a trip she went on

267
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with one of her girlfriends. Now, she's, you know, twenty

268
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eight years old, but when she was in high school

269
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she had this number of friends, but this particular one,

270
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it was kind of a rough, rough relationship.

271
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Going on and on.

272
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But anyway, this other weekend, she headed down to southern

273
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Utah with them, and they were going down and she

274
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got into a conversation and she used the word and

275
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she says, well, let me explain what that means. And

276
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the other her friend, it just got so upset, and

277
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my daughter says, what is wrong? She says, you have

278
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done this to me your whole life. You think I'm stupid,

279
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and therefore you define words that you think I don't understand.

280
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And so she got in the whole thing about me.

281
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Her dad had just literally taught the kids, you need

282
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to define these words because people will misunderstand or not understand,

283
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and part of communication is making sure that they truly.

284
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Understand what you're saying.

285
00:15:30.919 --> 00:15:34.799
Absolutely, And it's interesting because she was doing that to

286
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be clear, and it was still unclear because the person

287
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made it mean something different. She made it mean I'm stupid,

288
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and that's just it. In the absence of information, we

289
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make it up. So she makes up each time she's

290
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defining it. And I love that you did that with

291
00:15:52.559 --> 00:15:55.799
your kids, because so often I define this one way,

292
00:15:55.840 --> 00:15:58.559
you might define it another, and if we don't have that,

293
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there's no c your message.

294
00:16:01.240 --> 00:16:05.519
Well so often and and it really made a difference

295
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for them.

296
00:16:06.360 --> 00:16:08.320
Yeah, she says, oh, absolutely, it.

297
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Changed their whole conversation and to some degree their relationship

298
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just it was a four or five hour drive, so.

299
00:16:15.240 --> 00:16:18.919
They had a chance to talk a lot. Well, but

300
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I love that. But here's what's also amazing. She never

301
00:16:23.159 --> 00:16:25.840
knew that her friend felt like that until she said it.

302
00:16:26.159 --> 00:16:30.840
That's right. We assume so much in our relationships that

303
00:16:30.879 --> 00:16:35.639
it's it's it's amazing we get across our message at

304
00:16:35.679 --> 00:16:39.320
all because we make so many assumptions and we don't

305
00:16:39.360 --> 00:16:43.519
set up what those words mean, what what our what

306
00:16:43.559 --> 00:16:46.559
our intention is behind it, and then we leave so

307
00:16:46.759 --> 00:16:50.559
much open for people to read it. The wrong way.

308
00:16:50.960 --> 00:16:53.600
Well, and you know, as you talk about these relationships

309
00:16:53.639 --> 00:16:57.639
that you had to go back and repair, how many

310
00:16:57.679 --> 00:17:03.919
of those relationships it went bad were a result of communication.

311
00:17:04.480 --> 00:17:08.119
Well, i'd say they were all resolved, and but no, no, no,

312
00:17:08.160 --> 00:17:11.839
it would not resolved the result of well, the result

313
00:17:12.680 --> 00:17:15.319
oh or the results of poor communication. Oh, I'd say

314
00:17:15.319 --> 00:17:20.079
every one of them because because because that's just it,

315
00:17:20.240 --> 00:17:24.119
I didn't know how to communicate during tough times, I

316
00:17:24.119 --> 00:17:27.759
would typically shut down, walk away. A lot of them

317
00:17:27.759 --> 00:17:30.839
were people I had ghosted because I didn't know how

318
00:17:30.839 --> 00:17:34.640
to have the conversation. Others were conversations that I had

319
00:17:34.640 --> 00:17:37.359
attacked people I tend to go on the attack or

320
00:17:37.880 --> 00:17:41.400
or shut down, which we all do under address until

321
00:17:41.400 --> 00:17:44.400
we understand how to manage those emotions in that moment.

322
00:17:44.559 --> 00:17:48.160
So some of them, also, Doctor Doug, were I didn't

323
00:17:48.279 --> 00:17:51.359
even need to I didn't even need to hear from

324
00:17:51.359 --> 00:17:53.680
the other person. I needed to just say what I

325
00:17:53.759 --> 00:17:57.359
never said. Many times, someone who had to come to

326
00:17:57.480 --> 00:18:00.000
go to someone and see, you know, there there's probably

327
00:18:00.200 --> 00:18:02.000
even not an issue on your end. If there was,

328
00:18:02.039 --> 00:18:04.880
I'd love to hear it. But there's something I never said,

329
00:18:04.960 --> 00:18:07.240
and I needed to be able to say it. You

330
00:18:07.240 --> 00:18:09.640
don't need to fix anything right now, but would you

331
00:18:10.160 --> 00:18:12.839
could I bend your ear for a minute. Yeah, And

332
00:18:12.880 --> 00:18:14.960
then I'd go through and say what I never said.

333
00:18:14.960 --> 00:18:17.359
They go, oh, I never wanted you to feel that way.

334
00:18:17.680 --> 00:18:21.079
I understand that was going on with me. But what

335
00:18:21.240 --> 00:18:23.440
happened was I let it go after that.

336
00:18:24.000 --> 00:18:27.279
So how many times in those broken relationships when you

337
00:18:27.960 --> 00:18:30.559
were able to resolve some of that, did you find

338
00:18:30.599 --> 00:18:33.359
that they didn't feel like it was a broken relationship

339
00:18:33.359 --> 00:18:36.119
and they were surprised that you walked away or were

340
00:18:36.119 --> 00:18:39.599
they all as broken, you know it, wanted to be

341
00:18:39.640 --> 00:18:41.440
away from you as much as you wanted to be

342
00:18:41.480 --> 00:18:42.160
away from them.

343
00:18:43.440 --> 00:18:46.240
It is probably about thirty percent of the people that

344
00:18:46.319 --> 00:18:49.160
I had gone to that they didn't even know there

345
00:18:49.200 --> 00:18:52.160
was an issue and it was all in my head

346
00:18:52.240 --> 00:18:56.119
that it had happened. And then also probably another twenty

347
00:18:56.160 --> 00:18:59.000
to thirty percent where it was a different issue for

348
00:18:59.039 --> 00:19:03.200
them they saw something completely different. So there's all this

349
00:19:03.319 --> 00:19:07.119
miscommunication going on and things not being said, and that's

350
00:19:07.160 --> 00:19:10.039
just what do we do. We simmer those things. And

351
00:19:10.279 --> 00:19:12.480
how you know is look at where your complaints are

352
00:19:12.519 --> 00:19:15.799
around people. If you've got complaints around people, you've got

353
00:19:15.799 --> 00:19:18.000
something that needs to be cleaned up well.

354
00:19:18.039 --> 00:19:20.400
And you know, I'm so impressed that you are a

355
00:19:20.440 --> 00:19:24.400
certified behavioral analyst and I am too. And we were

356
00:19:24.400 --> 00:19:26.559
talking about this before we came on the show, But

357
00:19:27.079 --> 00:19:30.079
you use the disc test and one of the things

358
00:19:30.119 --> 00:19:33.119
I worked with my kids initially, and then as I

359
00:19:33.200 --> 00:19:35.759
was working with other people, I used it too. But

360
00:19:36.519 --> 00:19:38.400
one of the things I said to them after I

361
00:19:38.440 --> 00:19:41.799
started getting feedback from them, saying, Dad, you know, I

362
00:19:41.799 --> 00:19:43.720
don't like the way you're talking to me. And so

363
00:19:43.839 --> 00:19:45.960
as I started to do a little bit of research

364
00:19:46.000 --> 00:19:51.279
and finally got into this whole behavioral aspect and personality evaluations,

365
00:19:51.759 --> 00:19:57.000
I realized that I'm a strong personality. I'm very much

366
00:19:57.640 --> 00:19:59.680
at that time. At least I've changed. But I was

367
00:20:00.119 --> 00:20:05.880
HIGHD with some c very analytical, and my children I

368
00:20:05.920 --> 00:20:10.200
had one son that was that way, but my other

369
00:20:10.279 --> 00:20:11.559
children were very.

370
00:20:11.440 --> 00:20:12.240
Much right brain.

371
00:20:12.440 --> 00:20:17.759
So they were extrovert eyes, right brain and so on

372
00:20:17.839 --> 00:20:21.200
and so forth. And so what I found was that

373
00:20:21.519 --> 00:20:25.000
I had to actually stop and start to listen, and

374
00:20:25.039 --> 00:20:27.440
so I would actually sit down with them when we

375
00:20:27.480 --> 00:20:29.720
started a conversation earth they came to me with a

376
00:20:29.839 --> 00:20:33.039
question or he wanted to talk, I say, Okay, do

377
00:20:33.079 --> 00:20:35.759
you want me to listen or do you want my opinion?

378
00:20:36.400 --> 00:20:39.400
And most of the time is that I just want

379
00:20:39.480 --> 00:20:42.880
you to listen. And as I did that, then you know,

380
00:20:42.880 --> 00:20:44.759
would get into some good conversations.

381
00:20:44.799 --> 00:20:46.480
But what have you found?

382
00:20:46.519 --> 00:20:51.079
How important is it that people understand, particularly whether you're

383
00:20:51.119 --> 00:20:55.319
in these deep relationships, whether children's, spouse, you know, special

384
00:20:55.359 --> 00:20:58.400
other person. How important is it in your mind that

385
00:20:58.440 --> 00:21:01.759
they that we understand and how they would like to

386
00:21:01.799 --> 00:21:03.720
be spoken to. Oh.

387
00:21:03.759 --> 00:21:08.240
I think it's a huge part because it allows if

388
00:21:08.279 --> 00:21:10.519
you want to really communicate something, you have to consider

389
00:21:10.519 --> 00:21:15.359
how the other person understands. Just me speaking doesn't communicate

390
00:21:15.960 --> 00:21:21.200
what that understanding. So until I get that connection of understanding,

391
00:21:21.240 --> 00:21:23.720
and part of that means I need to understand, I

392
00:21:23.759 --> 00:21:26.000
need to be able to speak into a way that

393
00:21:26.039 --> 00:21:29.440
you do. So an extrovert, there's so many different things

394
00:21:29.480 --> 00:21:32.519
than an introvert. An introvert feels like you're pushing it

395
00:21:32.559 --> 00:21:35.400
on them. An extrovert needs to understand and need to

396
00:21:35.440 --> 00:21:38.319
back off a little pull in, use more data on

397
00:21:38.359 --> 00:21:41.000
these things, because if I want that person to hear

398
00:21:41.039 --> 00:21:43.759
what I'm saying, or I'm just talking at a wall.

399
00:21:44.559 --> 00:21:48.440
Also in communication. As doctor Doug I found there are

400
00:21:48.519 --> 00:21:55.960
foundational things, and I think the foundation things are psychological safety, respect,

401
00:21:56.119 --> 00:22:00.200
and purpose. Those are the foundation about building and you

402
00:22:00.359 --> 00:22:04.880
have to have that. Then I consider the disc or

403
00:22:04.960 --> 00:22:08.039
Myers Briggs all that that's the framework of how the

404
00:22:08.039 --> 00:22:11.240
house is built. You can have all you think about.

405
00:22:11.359 --> 00:22:14.279
That's the details of it. So we all need a

406
00:22:14.319 --> 00:22:18.160
firm human foundation. We need that respect, we need that trust,

407
00:22:18.240 --> 00:22:21.640
we need that common purpose for that foundation. But then

408
00:22:21.680 --> 00:22:24.319
if I really want to make a beautiful relationship, just

409
00:22:24.319 --> 00:22:27.359
like a beautiful home, I pay attention to the structure,

410
00:22:27.440 --> 00:22:29.119
how it's built out here as well.

411
00:22:29.640 --> 00:22:34.119
So you've studied it extensively. I've studied it extensively. We

412
00:22:34.200 --> 00:22:36.839
both used it in working either with companies or whatever.

413
00:22:37.279 --> 00:22:41.359
But with the normal couple who's never looked at it before,

414
00:22:41.920 --> 00:22:46.279
how do you teach them to learn to communicate with

415
00:22:46.359 --> 00:22:50.440
each other in a way that is considerate, that is kind,

416
00:22:51.000 --> 00:22:53.640
and you're actually communicating with someone in the way they

417
00:22:53.640 --> 00:22:54.799
wish to communicate.

418
00:22:55.240 --> 00:22:57.720
Yeah, there's a couple of things. I think the first

419
00:22:57.720 --> 00:23:05.240
thing is to take responsibility. I find in couples you've

420
00:23:05.279 --> 00:23:07.599
got to be responsible for where you are. Part of

421
00:23:07.640 --> 00:23:10.079
that is saying, you know what, I didn't know how

422
00:23:10.079 --> 00:23:14.000
to do this. Okay, just owning that I didn't know

423
00:23:14.119 --> 00:23:17.559
how to be the husband or wife or whatever that

424
00:23:17.640 --> 00:23:21.200
spouse looks like I didn't know how to communicate a

425
00:23:21.240 --> 00:23:24.720
certain way, and then give yourself forgiveness for that. Then

426
00:23:24.720 --> 00:23:26.519
what do you do? What do you want to learn?

427
00:23:26.839 --> 00:23:29.880
What do you want that relationship to look like? And

428
00:23:29.920 --> 00:23:32.720
part of the first steps I tell on every relationship

429
00:23:32.799 --> 00:23:36.400
is defined to the other person, how you to show

430
00:23:36.480 --> 00:23:39.720
the other person, how you define respect because respect is

431
00:23:39.799 --> 00:23:44.960
individually defined, and that is the core foundation. Because doctor Doug,

432
00:23:45.000 --> 00:23:46.720
you want me to treat you with respect from how

433
00:23:46.759 --> 00:23:49.119
you define it, not how I define it. That's right,

434
00:23:49.160 --> 00:23:52.880
So I need to know how you define it. We're

435
00:23:53.160 --> 00:23:55.880
assuming we know, and most of the time we get

436
00:23:55.880 --> 00:23:58.759
it right, but there's details we don't. The other great

437
00:23:58.839 --> 00:24:00.799
question is how do you know when you're not being

438
00:24:01.759 --> 00:24:04.359
when you know you're not being respected, Oh, when you

439
00:24:04.480 --> 00:24:07.960
roll your eyes, when you walk away, when you raise

440
00:24:08.000 --> 00:24:11.039
your voice. All of these things are a mirror because

441
00:24:11.039 --> 00:24:14.839
we do not see our own behavior and those relationships.

442
00:24:15.000 --> 00:24:17.799
But that's the first part. You've got to own. Hey,

443
00:24:18.279 --> 00:24:20.359
I haven't gotten this right to this point. That's why

444
00:24:20.359 --> 00:24:23.519
we're here. Because there's a quote I live my life by,

445
00:24:23.640 --> 00:24:26.920
and it's everything in my life I create, promote, or allow.

446
00:24:27.480 --> 00:24:32.079
So if my relationship is on the rocks, I'm responsible

447
00:24:32.119 --> 00:24:35.839
for that. I'm responsible for that part. Now does a

448
00:24:35.880 --> 00:24:40.279
person have responsibility, Yes, but I can't take their responsibility.

449
00:24:40.400 --> 00:24:42.920
Have to own my own first. I find when I

450
00:24:42.960 --> 00:24:45.880
own my own and manage it and say, you know what,

451
00:24:45.960 --> 00:24:48.640
I'm going to get better. The other thing I find

452
00:24:48.680 --> 00:24:51.400
so often people want to go from zero to perfection,

453
00:24:52.319 --> 00:24:55.799
that doesn't happen. It takes time to build those skills,

454
00:24:55.839 --> 00:24:59.480
it type takes time to heal some of those damage

455
00:24:59.519 --> 00:25:04.039
that's been It's a consistent practice, and so you've got

456
00:25:04.039 --> 00:25:07.599
to get serious about working on yourself. I find when

457
00:25:07.839 --> 00:25:10.799
I work on myself rather than on my spouse or

458
00:25:10.839 --> 00:25:14.519
my significant other, things start to really change. But if

459
00:25:14.559 --> 00:25:17.920
I'm expecting them to do something in that process, even

460
00:25:17.920 --> 00:25:19.720
to me working on it, I can't work on it.

461
00:25:19.960 --> 00:25:21.920
So they'll stick around. I have to work on it

462
00:25:21.960 --> 00:25:22.720
for myself.

463
00:25:23.039 --> 00:25:25.319
Any stories other than the one about your dad, do

464
00:25:25.359 --> 00:25:28.240
you have some stories that you could share with people

465
00:25:28.319 --> 00:25:32.440
who have been really struggling and how you literally help

466
00:25:32.519 --> 00:25:34.519
them and what steps they had to take in the

467
00:25:34.599 --> 00:25:35.119
end result.

468
00:25:35.599 --> 00:25:38.759
Yeah, one of my favorites was in the last chapter,

469
00:25:38.799 --> 00:25:41.599
and I'll share it because it's one of the most

470
00:25:41.640 --> 00:25:43.960
powerful ones. I had a woman in class. She came

471
00:25:44.039 --> 00:25:46.839
up to me. She said, you know, I have a

472
00:25:47.160 --> 00:25:50.079
difficult conversation I need to have with my ex mother

473
00:25:50.119 --> 00:25:52.720
in law. I said, well, tell me about it. She goes, well,

474
00:25:53.160 --> 00:25:55.160
the last time she goes. She used to be very

475
00:25:55.160 --> 00:25:58.519
close to me. I got divorced, and the last time

476
00:25:58.759 --> 00:26:02.400
we talked I was two half years ago, and during

477
00:26:02.480 --> 00:26:07.680
that time, the last thing I told her was You'll

478
00:26:07.720 --> 00:26:11.559
never effing see your grandkids again. That's what she told her.

479
00:26:11.839 --> 00:26:14.079
And she said, that's the last time I talked to her.

480
00:26:14.119 --> 00:26:16.400
So I've got some work to do. So we sat

481
00:26:16.440 --> 00:26:20.400
down and worked on the conversation, did everything we needed

482
00:26:20.440 --> 00:26:22.960
to do, and she said she was going to go

483
00:26:23.039 --> 00:26:25.519
have it. And usually I don't call people, but she

484
00:26:25.599 --> 00:26:27.680
never called me back, and so I called her about

485
00:26:27.680 --> 00:26:29.880
two weeks later and said, hey, did you have the conversation?

486
00:26:29.960 --> 00:26:32.160
If so, how to go She goes, well, no, I

487
00:26:32.200 --> 00:26:34.599
didn't have it. I said, Can I ask why you

488
00:26:34.640 --> 00:26:37.640
were so excited? She said, well, my friends got together

489
00:26:37.799 --> 00:26:40.279
and they said, well, the guy you talked to, he

490
00:26:40.359 --> 00:26:42.880
probably had good intentions, but he just doesn't know what

491
00:26:42.920 --> 00:26:47.440
he's talking about. He doesn't understand your situation. And I said, wow,

492
00:26:47.480 --> 00:26:49.799
you've got great friends. I said, next time you see him,

493
00:26:49.839 --> 00:26:52.440
hug him and give him a kiss. She said, what

494
00:26:52.680 --> 00:26:56.359
I said, here's the thing. They care about you, but

495
00:26:56.440 --> 00:26:59.720
they don't know what you know. They have no idea

496
00:27:00.119 --> 00:27:02.519
what you know. They didn't sit through that class, they

497
00:27:02.519 --> 00:27:05.799
didn't practice it. So the question is do you want

498
00:27:05.880 --> 00:27:09.920
to have the conversation or do you want to let

499
00:27:09.960 --> 00:27:12.119
it go? And she thought for a second. She goes,

500
00:27:12.279 --> 00:27:14.319
I really want to have the conversation. So I said,

501
00:27:14.519 --> 00:27:18.960
let's practice again and get prepared. And she said, I

502
00:27:19.079 --> 00:27:21.279
kind of know how these things go. So I said,

503
00:27:21.319 --> 00:27:23.279
when you say this, this is probably going to be

504
00:27:23.279 --> 00:27:26.079
your action. What do you do? And I drilled her

505
00:27:26.079 --> 00:27:28.480
on it. She goes, get back to my best intent. Okay,

506
00:27:29.000 --> 00:27:31.759
stop everything, get back to your best intent. She did it.

507
00:27:31.839 --> 00:27:33.319
She said it was a two and a half hour

508
00:27:33.400 --> 00:27:37.160
conversation and she said at the end there were hugs,

509
00:27:37.440 --> 00:27:41.000
tears and healing and she said it was like you

510
00:27:41.039 --> 00:27:44.359
were right there every time that She said something I

511
00:27:44.440 --> 00:27:47.200
knew where to go with it, and she said, now

512
00:27:47.279 --> 00:27:50.680
my kids will be able to see their grandmother. I

513
00:27:50.720 --> 00:27:52.720
have let all that go. And what I love was

514
00:27:52.720 --> 00:27:54.839
her last thing. She said, said, now I have to

515
00:27:54.880 --> 00:28:00.400
go throw up because these things are tough. I love

516
00:28:00.440 --> 00:28:03.759
how honest that was. It's like, h that's one of

517
00:28:03.799 --> 00:28:08.119
the worst experiences I've ever had. But again, I don't

518
00:28:08.160 --> 00:28:10.200
want to go through that. I don't want to do that.

519
00:28:10.400 --> 00:28:12.480
But what I want is what's on the other side.

520
00:28:12.720 --> 00:28:15.119
And here's the thing that was more than seven years ago,

521
00:28:15.440 --> 00:28:18.039
and those kids have gotten to be with their grandmother

522
00:28:18.440 --> 00:28:22.440
through all the holidays, through birthdays, through everything else. That

523
00:28:22.680 --> 00:28:27.799
was restored because a mother really cared about her kids.

524
00:28:28.119 --> 00:28:30.000
She cared about her life, and she cared about the

525
00:28:30.000 --> 00:28:33.200
people in it. And she said, now it's an amazing relationship.

526
00:28:33.240 --> 00:28:36.000
Again things they never thought could happen well.

527
00:28:36.039 --> 00:28:39.039
And I would assume in your book that you talk

528
00:28:39.119 --> 00:28:42.200
about some specific things. Is that fair to say? So

529
00:28:42.640 --> 00:28:44.440
people get your book thing read? So what I want

530
00:28:44.480 --> 00:28:46.720
you to do is share a little bit of that today.

531
00:28:47.160 --> 00:28:50.920
And so, what are some of the steps if I'm

532
00:28:50.960 --> 00:28:55.160
in a really bad relationship, say with a brother, what

533
00:28:55.319 --> 00:28:59.759
are the steps that I need to take to repair

534
00:28:59.799 --> 00:29:06.240
that and redevelop at least a good communicative relationship.

535
00:29:06.559 --> 00:29:09.440
So the first step I tell every one of my

536
00:29:09.440 --> 00:29:13.039
people's take responsibility again, Like I said, you're responsible for

537
00:29:13.079 --> 00:29:16.240
where it is. Now, what is it you want out

538
00:29:16.279 --> 00:29:20.400
of the interaction? Do you want them to admit they're wrong?

539
00:29:20.799 --> 00:29:22.960
Do you want a relationship? What do you want that

540
00:29:23.000 --> 00:29:26.480
relationship to look like? Why are you spending the time

541
00:29:26.519 --> 00:29:29.160
to do this? And people say, well, I care about them?

542
00:29:29.400 --> 00:29:31.759
Why you haven't talked to him in years? What's really

543
00:29:31.799 --> 00:29:36.680
going on? It's like I miss them. Wow, that's beautiful.

544
00:29:37.039 --> 00:29:41.000
Start with that, Start with why you want this? The

545
00:29:41.039 --> 00:29:44.119
reason I'm talking about this own your part side of

546
00:29:44.160 --> 00:29:46.839
the street. First, you might say, you know, I didn't

547
00:29:46.880 --> 00:29:50.359
know how to handle these conversations, so I ghosted you,

548
00:29:50.440 --> 00:29:52.839
I didn't talk to you, or last thing I yelled

549
00:29:52.920 --> 00:29:56.599
was this. That's not what I wanted. Own that on

550
00:29:56.759 --> 00:29:58.680
your side of the street. When you do that, it

551
00:29:58.720 --> 00:30:02.559
allows them space. The other thing I tell them, doctor Doug,

552
00:30:02.680 --> 00:30:07.200
is you can't expect anything from them. You can't expect

553
00:30:07.200 --> 00:30:10.039
them to want to engage with you after you have

554
00:30:10.119 --> 00:30:13.480
to just do this for yourself. The only thing you

555
00:30:13.519 --> 00:30:18.039
can do is handle your own vessel. You're in. What

556
00:30:18.119 --> 00:30:21.920
am I responsible for? They're going to have whatever reaction

557
00:30:22.000 --> 00:30:23.799
they have. And what I've also found out to Doug,

558
00:30:24.119 --> 00:30:27.720
when you go through this process, many times the person

559
00:30:27.799 --> 00:30:31.599
doesn't get that reaction from the person. It happens later

560
00:30:31.880 --> 00:30:35.680
many times because what happens is have you shown up

561
00:30:35.720 --> 00:30:38.880
as your best self in that conversation. When people show

562
00:30:38.960 --> 00:30:43.519
up as the best self, that message resonates after you're gone,

563
00:30:43.960 --> 00:30:46.359
and it percolates in the person and they begin to

564
00:30:46.400 --> 00:30:50.319
see their behavior for the first time because they can't

565
00:30:50.319 --> 00:30:53.440
blame you anymore, just like you've been blaming them. They've

566
00:30:53.440 --> 00:30:55.880
been blaming you, and you're both right about what you're

567
00:30:55.880 --> 00:30:59.680
blaming each other for. But when you show a different behavior,

568
00:31:00.240 --> 00:31:03.359
they can't do that because all of a sudden, it's like, well,

569
00:31:03.400 --> 00:31:05.400
they didn't do that that time. They didn't do that,

570
00:31:05.519 --> 00:31:08.759
They didn't raise their voice, they didn't walk away, they

571
00:31:08.759 --> 00:31:12.319
were compassionate. What did I do? Typically I find it's

572
00:31:12.359 --> 00:31:14.640
a couple of weeks, but some people will to actually

573
00:31:14.680 --> 00:31:17.640
call back. I've seen it just recently, a person with

574
00:31:17.720 --> 00:31:20.720
their sister and it blew up. They never thought it

575
00:31:20.799 --> 00:31:23.039
was possible and then when they came to me and

576
00:31:23.079 --> 00:31:26.160
they said, yeah, it didn't go like I wanted. I said,

577
00:31:26.160 --> 00:31:28.599
did you do your best? And she thought about it

578
00:31:28.640 --> 00:31:31.880
she goes yeah, I said, how do you feel about that? Strong?

579
00:31:32.079 --> 00:31:35.559
I feel good about it. Great. Then you've done your best.

580
00:31:35.799 --> 00:31:38.599
You can't expect anyone. But about three weeks later, she

581
00:31:38.640 --> 00:31:42.559
gets the phone call, Hey, I didn't like our last conversation.

582
00:31:42.599 --> 00:31:44.440
Would I'd like to talk to you again. Now they've

583
00:31:44.440 --> 00:31:49.759
got a relationship again. But is it perfect? No, But

584
00:31:50.079 --> 00:31:54.440
they're talking, they're engaging, they're building something on something they

585
00:31:54.480 --> 00:31:57.359
didn't have, And so I think that's the key. You've

586
00:31:57.400 --> 00:31:59.799
got to get that foundation. Most people won't want to

587
00:31:59.839 --> 00:32:03.359
talk about the issue that happened. They're not talking about

588
00:32:03.359 --> 00:32:06.759
the deeper issue about what kind of relationship do you

589
00:32:06.799 --> 00:32:09.440
want to have? What kind of how do we want

590
00:32:09.440 --> 00:32:11.359
to show respect each other? Do you want to be

591
00:32:11.480 --> 00:32:14.319
in relationship with me? If so, why or why not?

592
00:32:14.839 --> 00:32:18.480
Let's talk about those things rather than you did this

593
00:32:18.599 --> 00:32:21.880
or I did this. Those are surface level issues. The

594
00:32:21.960 --> 00:32:25.039
deeper issues. Don't want to open myself in my heart

595
00:32:25.119 --> 00:32:26.759
up to you. Don't want to do that.

596
00:32:27.079 --> 00:32:30.200
So I know a lot of people that are listening.

597
00:32:30.279 --> 00:32:34.480
Your parents have children different ages. Doesn't matter what age

598
00:32:34.519 --> 00:32:39.799
they are, they're still children. There are there certain skills

599
00:32:39.960 --> 00:32:43.480
and different ways to fix relationship with children and to

600
00:32:43.559 --> 00:32:46.759
communicate them with them so that you don't ruin the

601
00:32:46.799 --> 00:32:50.400
relationships in the first place. And is it different than

602
00:32:50.440 --> 00:32:54.319
working with say an adult or with a parent or

603
00:32:54.480 --> 00:32:56.240
is it all the same principles.

604
00:32:57.119 --> 00:32:58.839
I think at the heart of it, it's all the

605
00:32:58.880 --> 00:33:01.920
same principles, but how you approach it can be very

606
00:33:01.920 --> 00:33:06.039
different depending on the person. I find with parents and children,

607
00:33:06.319 --> 00:33:10.559
the biggest thing is the children. The parent wants the

608
00:33:10.759 --> 00:33:14.880
child to be a certain way, and you represent the

609
00:33:14.960 --> 00:33:19.079
family or you're a part of me, and the child's

610
00:33:19.200 --> 00:33:21.640
job is to break away from the family. So there's

611
00:33:21.680 --> 00:33:24.079
always going to be that conflict because they're trying to

612
00:33:24.119 --> 00:33:28.400
find themselves. They can't find themselves unless they're separate. But

613
00:33:29.000 --> 00:33:32.960
can you separate without the drama or the breakdown? And

614
00:33:33.000 --> 00:33:36.480
so I find most of the time it's truly listening

615
00:33:36.519 --> 00:33:39.960
and accepting the kid for who they are, not who

616
00:33:40.079 --> 00:33:42.240
you want them to be or the life you think

617
00:33:42.279 --> 00:33:45.599
they should have. That's a hard thing because think about

618
00:33:45.680 --> 00:33:48.880
your life. Did you want anyone to tell you how

619
00:33:48.880 --> 00:33:52.519
to live it or make the decisions that they wanted.

620
00:33:52.720 --> 00:33:56.559
Think about how you probably challenged your parents with that

621
00:33:56.640 --> 00:33:59.640
because you're trying to find your way as well. So

622
00:34:00.079 --> 00:34:02.920
it needs a listening and a level of acceptance. And

623
00:34:03.559 --> 00:34:06.799
you're welcome as a parent to say this concerns me.

624
00:34:07.359 --> 00:34:10.800
I love you, but fear jumps in and we either

625
00:34:10.880 --> 00:34:14.559
attack or control or try to do something else, or

626
00:34:14.639 --> 00:34:17.639
our fear shuts us down and we avoid a conversation

627
00:34:17.800 --> 00:34:20.400
about what all that looks like, and have we really

628
00:34:20.440 --> 00:34:23.840
talked about what our deeper core relationship is. I also

629
00:34:23.880 --> 00:34:27.719
find that many times you have seasons of your life.

630
00:34:27.760 --> 00:34:30.119
I think if you're talking to your kids, you should

631
00:34:30.119 --> 00:34:32.639
have conversations and agreements about what it looks like when

632
00:34:32.639 --> 00:34:35.400
they're in junior high when it changes when they get

633
00:34:35.440 --> 00:34:37.360
to high school. You need to have conversations about what

634
00:34:37.400 --> 00:34:40.119
that relationship is going to look like in that, then

635
00:34:40.199 --> 00:34:42.559
when they get to college, then when they get married,

636
00:34:43.000 --> 00:34:46.920
then when they have kids. It goes throughout the different seasons.

637
00:34:47.079 --> 00:34:50.960
But we make assumptions about our relationship that it's the

638
00:34:51.000 --> 00:34:54.199
same way. It's not. It's constantly grows. I'm not the

639
00:34:54.239 --> 00:34:56.880
same person I was six months ago, but we treat

640
00:34:56.920 --> 00:34:59.480
everyone else like that's the way they are or that's

641
00:34:59.519 --> 00:35:01.719
the way they need to be. When we can let

642
00:35:01.760 --> 00:35:04.320
that go and start working on this all of a sudden,

643
00:35:04.360 --> 00:35:07.719
I finally we work on ourselves. We learn how to

644
00:35:07.920 --> 00:35:10.280
speak into someone else's listen well.

645
00:35:10.360 --> 00:35:13.159
And you know, as you get into that, I think

646
00:35:13.239 --> 00:35:16.199
part of the challenge, and you kind of alluded to it,

647
00:35:16.679 --> 00:35:20.039
how do parents finally get to the point where they

648
00:35:20.159 --> 00:35:23.960
understand that, you know, what your way is not necessarily

649
00:35:24.480 --> 00:35:27.400
the right way for me, And you know, it's just

650
00:35:27.440 --> 00:35:29.679
like you went with your dad, you know, I mean

651
00:35:29.679 --> 00:35:33.599
here he is that you know, that preacher, that whole thing,

652
00:35:33.800 --> 00:35:37.760
and you're not living that way and you know, and yet,

653
00:35:38.320 --> 00:35:42.079
how how do you help individuals to be able to

654
00:35:43.000 --> 00:35:49.679
learn respect, understanding, non judgment, and getting rid of that

655
00:35:49.880 --> 00:35:53.199
ego that has to say I'm right and you're wrong.

656
00:35:53.719 --> 00:35:58.079
Yeah, it's a great question. I go back to the fundamentals.

657
00:35:58.400 --> 00:36:03.039
It's go and sit down and talk about respect, talk

658
00:36:03.079 --> 00:36:05.800
about your ego, talk about the things you fear, talk

659
00:36:05.840 --> 00:36:10.039
about the things it's an awkward conversation. I actually have

660
00:36:10.800 --> 00:36:14.280
these groups of master teams I walk people through. In

661
00:36:14.320 --> 00:36:18.960
my latest one, I had a priest who was taking

662
00:36:19.000 --> 00:36:21.880
my class to be a better communicator, and he said, Greg,

663
00:36:21.920 --> 00:36:26.639
he said, even having conversations about respect with people, because

664
00:36:26.639 --> 00:36:28.679
I have them sit down and do that, he said,

665
00:36:28.719 --> 00:36:33.199
it's awkward. And I'm a priest think about that because

666
00:36:33.480 --> 00:36:35.760
most people say, oh, I know to do that, I

667
00:36:35.800 --> 00:36:38.400
don't really know. Many people have sat down and said,

668
00:36:38.440 --> 00:36:40.920
let's talk about what respect looks like. Let's look at that.

669
00:36:41.199 --> 00:36:44.079
You start to talk about the core issues, you're going

670
00:36:44.119 --> 00:36:47.280
to start to get a core conversation. But we spend

671
00:36:47.440 --> 00:36:50.679
so much time up here on the surface that we

672
00:36:50.920 --> 00:36:53.920
are scared to go down to that deeper level. But

673
00:36:53.960 --> 00:36:56.360
I also say, that's a skill level you need to

674
00:36:56.360 --> 00:36:59.199
have to do it effectively. That's why I do what

675
00:36:59.239 --> 00:37:02.239
I do, because it's like people will tell you go

676
00:37:02.320 --> 00:37:06.000
have the conversation, but most people don't teach you how to.

677
00:37:06.679 --> 00:37:09.679
There's a skill set. When you know how to, your

678
00:37:09.760 --> 00:37:13.360
confidence would grow. I'll say this, it makes you more

679
00:37:13.400 --> 00:37:16.719
effective in the conversation. It doesn't take away. You'll have

680
00:37:16.800 --> 00:37:21.239
the same fear today tomorrow that you would have if

681
00:37:21.239 --> 00:37:24.039
I learned all the skills. That doesn't go away. It's

682
00:37:24.079 --> 00:37:25.119
always going to be there.

683
00:37:25.280 --> 00:37:29.280
Well, and you know in today's culture and what's going

684
00:37:29.360 --> 00:37:32.199
on in the United States particularly, and I think it's

685
00:37:32.239 --> 00:37:35.800
all over the world, but we're so aware because of

686
00:37:35.920 --> 00:37:39.440
media and everything else. And I have seen people who

687
00:37:39.440 --> 00:37:43.639
were very close friends and are no longer friends at

688
00:37:43.639 --> 00:37:48.239
all because their political beliefs are one way, maybe their

689
00:37:48.280 --> 00:37:51.880
religious beliefs have gone a different way. They have these

690
00:37:52.039 --> 00:37:56.159
philosophical differences, and yet these were people who were really

691
00:37:56.519 --> 00:38:02.280
good friends. How do you help them to understand how

692
00:38:02.320 --> 00:38:07.360
to have conversations and communication in a way that rather

693
00:38:07.440 --> 00:38:11.360
than destroying the relationship or just walking away because you

694
00:38:11.400 --> 00:38:16.280
can't stand the conversations and their beliefs, to having something

695
00:38:16.480 --> 00:38:20.760
that you can find some commonality and maintain that relationship

696
00:38:20.840 --> 00:38:23.360
and that respect without losing.

697
00:38:23.400 --> 00:38:26.800
Yeah, and you're so right. I think with social media

698
00:38:26.840 --> 00:38:31.480
and everything, we've got a dopamine rush around almost anything

699
00:38:31.559 --> 00:38:34.679
we look at anymore, and it's about being right at

700
00:38:34.679 --> 00:38:38.440
that core issue. We have this insatiable need to be right,

701
00:38:38.679 --> 00:38:42.320
and that's what people are talking about when they're separated

702
00:38:42.360 --> 00:38:46.760
in their spirituality or their politics. They're showing that need

703
00:38:46.840 --> 00:38:50.280
to be right and be seen. And that's the core

704
00:38:50.480 --> 00:38:53.440
thing underneath it when you really think about because the

705
00:38:53.440 --> 00:38:56.760
philosophy of it? Again, is the surface when you really

706
00:38:56.760 --> 00:38:58.880
think about it. If two plus two equals four, I

707
00:38:58.880 --> 00:39:01.920
don't need to defend any Think about that for a second.

708
00:39:02.320 --> 00:39:05.079
I don't need to defend anything. It's that fear I

709
00:39:05.159 --> 00:39:08.400
need to be seen and I don't care if it's spiritual,

710
00:39:08.519 --> 00:39:11.320
I don't care if it's politics. Here's what I do.

711
00:39:11.400 --> 00:39:13.679
If I see a different view than someone, I see

712
00:39:13.679 --> 00:39:16.239
the passion. I say, you know what, I love to

713
00:39:16.360 --> 00:39:19.079
talk about this, But before we do, what is your

714
00:39:19.119 --> 00:39:22.519
intention to discuss in discussing this with me? Is your

715
00:39:22.559 --> 00:39:25.400
intention to get me to run over to your side?

716
00:39:25.800 --> 00:39:28.239
Is it to make me wrong, show that you know

717
00:39:28.360 --> 00:39:33.400
more than me, you know, shame me? Or is it

718
00:39:33.480 --> 00:39:36.679
to try to find a real understanding? Is it to

719
00:39:36.719 --> 00:39:39.199
try to lift each other up? What is your intention

720
00:39:39.280 --> 00:39:42.199
in talking about this with me? Second thing, before we

721
00:39:42.239 --> 00:39:45.559
talk about what we have our differences, let's talk about

722
00:39:45.639 --> 00:39:48.679
for ten minutes about what we have in common. I

723
00:39:48.760 --> 00:39:53.639
love that's interesting. People don't know how to respond and

724
00:39:53.719 --> 00:39:56.679
the whole When I've done this on every political conversation,

725
00:39:57.239 --> 00:40:00.079
people stop talking about politics and we get into talking

726
00:40:00.079 --> 00:40:04.079
about or how we're together. It's a much stronger it's amazing.

727
00:40:04.280 --> 00:40:07.760
We might be different. Let's say twenty percent of our politics.

728
00:40:07.800 --> 00:40:10.840
That means eighty percent of everything else we have in common.

729
00:40:11.000 --> 00:40:14.119
But we're focusing on our differences. That's like looking at

730
00:40:14.119 --> 00:40:17.320
the negative thing of everything. Let's look at the positive

731
00:40:17.320 --> 00:40:19.599
and you'll get more positive. Look at the negative, you

732
00:40:19.639 --> 00:40:20.480
get more negative.

733
00:40:20.719 --> 00:40:22.800
Oh, I think that's a great approach.

734
00:40:23.960 --> 00:40:27.440
But I didn't. I sat there. I thought I was

735
00:40:27.480 --> 00:40:29.280
the same way. I doubt. I was like, I don't

736
00:40:29.320 --> 00:40:32.960
want to shy away from conversations. I will talk about anything,

737
00:40:33.280 --> 00:40:35.679
but rarely what is your intent. Let's talk about what

738
00:40:35.719 --> 00:40:38.159
we have in common. All those other things start to

739
00:40:38.159 --> 00:40:41.000
go fade away because you're getting the real needs met.

740
00:40:41.800 --> 00:40:45.239
Other stuff is fear I'm smarter than you, I'm better.

741
00:40:45.360 --> 00:40:47.960
We have to do things my way. What you find

742
00:40:47.960 --> 00:40:53.480
throughout history life happens because of opposites, because those things

743
00:40:53.760 --> 00:40:56.400
actually mold us to get prepared for the next thing.

744
00:40:57.000 --> 00:40:59.480
But if we constantly say it just has to be

745
00:40:59.559 --> 00:41:04.039
my way, were dumbing ourselves down. There's value in one

746
00:41:04.079 --> 00:41:06.039
of the exercises I have my people do in the

747
00:41:06.119 --> 00:41:09.719
master teams is actually find someone who believes differently than political,

748
00:41:10.079 --> 00:41:14.199
differently than them politically or spiritually or whatever a key thing,

749
00:41:14.440 --> 00:41:17.239
and then they just have to go and listen to understand.

750
00:41:17.280 --> 00:41:19.760
They can't give their point of view. I want you

751
00:41:19.840 --> 00:41:22.760
to really understand why that person thinks what they think.

752
00:41:23.079 --> 00:41:25.760
They'll let you know when they're done. And it's amazing

753
00:41:25.840 --> 00:41:28.920
the connection that happens, because some of the people come

754
00:41:28.960 --> 00:41:31.599
back and say, that person called me three days later

755
00:41:31.639 --> 00:41:33.880
and then wanted to hear what I thought. They wanted

756
00:41:33.880 --> 00:41:37.039
to do the exercise with me, because it's really There's

757
00:41:37.079 --> 00:41:38.840
a guy named Daryl Davis. I don't know if you've

758
00:41:38.840 --> 00:41:42.559
ever heard of him. Check him out on YouTube. He's

759
00:41:42.719 --> 00:41:46.880
an amazing He reaches people through listening, through understanding them.

760
00:41:46.960 --> 00:41:49.280
He's got an amazing story. He's been on sixty Minutes

761
00:41:50.000 --> 00:41:51.039
a couple of times.

762
00:41:51.360 --> 00:41:53.199
Well, and I think you've hit on the key, and

763
00:41:53.239 --> 00:41:55.760
I appreciate what you've said, because the whole key is

764
00:41:55.840 --> 00:42:00.280
to seek to understand. And you know, when someone will

765
00:42:00.559 --> 00:42:04.320
just sit back and really want to understand and ask question,

766
00:42:04.400 --> 00:42:07.599
I'm not sure I understand that exactly. Can you explain

767
00:42:07.639 --> 00:42:09.360
that a little bit more to me? And so forth,

768
00:42:09.719 --> 00:42:12.400
When they seek to understand, that just brings up the

769
00:42:12.440 --> 00:42:16.199
whole level of a relationship because now they know you

770
00:42:16.280 --> 00:42:19.480
really want to understand rather than I'm right, you're wrong,

771
00:42:19.559 --> 00:42:20.039
et cetera.

772
00:42:20.519 --> 00:42:24.559
Yeah, and doctor Doug, I love that because to understand

773
00:42:24.599 --> 00:42:26.599
you have to listen and have a lot of people

774
00:42:26.719 --> 00:42:29.159
that come to me say, oh, I'm a really good listener. Well,

775
00:42:29.159 --> 00:42:30.760
you know what you don't get to say where you're

776
00:42:30.760 --> 00:42:35.320
a good listener other people, other people. Here's the thing

777
00:42:35.679 --> 00:42:37.559
you'll find out if you're a good listener or not.

778
00:42:37.920 --> 00:42:40.480
Don't ask it. Don't tell people a good listener. If

779
00:42:40.519 --> 00:42:43.119
you're a good listener, you'll hear it at least once

780
00:42:43.159 --> 00:42:46.519
a week because it's so rare, because Pete, when you

781
00:42:46.599 --> 00:42:49.360
truly listen to someone and they're just like, wow, you

782
00:42:49.440 --> 00:42:52.519
listen really well. If you're getting that once a week

783
00:42:52.559 --> 00:42:55.800
from people you're around, you're probably a good listener. But

784
00:42:55.880 --> 00:42:57.760
if you're not getting that, you should be a check.

785
00:42:58.079 --> 00:42:59.840
It should be a check. It really should be.

786
00:43:00.599 --> 00:43:03.679
So I would assume a lot of this information and

787
00:43:03.760 --> 00:43:08.000
detail is in your book. Yes, Yes, how do people

788
00:43:08.039 --> 00:43:08.760
find your book?

789
00:43:09.159 --> 00:43:13.599
Yeah, it's called Build New Bridges The Art of Restoring

790
00:43:13.760 --> 00:43:20.199
Impossible Relationships. And they can go on Amazon anywhere anywhere

791
00:43:20.199 --> 00:43:23.679
books are sold Barnes and Noble, they're all there. Uh

792
00:43:23.960 --> 00:43:27.519
and uh, it's interesting because I put my life into it.

793
00:43:27.559 --> 00:43:30.519
I put all that information. Uh, you can read it

794
00:43:30.639 --> 00:43:33.320
and practice it, you'd have the skills. But I find

795
00:43:33.320 --> 00:43:36.719
sometimes people need a handholder, they need a coach. Find

796
00:43:36.719 --> 00:43:41.280
a coach work with them on this. Make sure. Most

797
00:43:41.280 --> 00:43:44.599
people talk about success, They think about money, they think

798
00:43:44.639 --> 00:43:47.400
about a lot of different things. I think about success

799
00:43:47.440 --> 00:43:50.360
and relationship. Well, what about your website.

800
00:43:50.360 --> 00:43:51.280
How do people find you?

801
00:43:51.480 --> 00:43:56.880
Yeah, it's uh, just go to Alignment dash resources dot com.

802
00:43:57.199 --> 00:44:00.760
Alignment dash Resources dot com. Don't forget the Dash and

803
00:44:01.039 --> 00:44:03.559
we talk about our Master Team programs. We have programs

804
00:44:03.599 --> 00:44:06.960
for new program coming up for emerging leaders. We're working

805
00:44:07.000 --> 00:44:10.119
with a younger generation to teach them the skill sets

806
00:44:10.480 --> 00:44:14.000
most executives today are having. They typically say I wish

807
00:44:14.039 --> 00:44:17.239
I would have learned this twenty years ago. So we're

808
00:44:17.239 --> 00:44:19.800
doing that, trying to help those people getting out of

809
00:44:19.840 --> 00:44:23.199
college or in their gap year to understand to set

810
00:44:23.239 --> 00:44:26.360
themselves apart. But my whole goal in all of this

811
00:44:26.960 --> 00:44:31.559
is to help people have more deep, meaningful relationships, have

812
00:44:31.599 --> 00:44:32.880
the joy that comes with that.

813
00:44:33.400 --> 00:44:35.719
Well, and what would be your final message to the

814
00:44:35.760 --> 00:44:36.679
audience today.

815
00:44:37.079 --> 00:44:41.920
My final message would be, it's not impossible. Sometimes we

816
00:44:42.119 --> 00:44:45.239
think of a relationship as being a conversations being impossible.

817
00:44:45.639 --> 00:44:48.840
That's a limited belief, it's not true. But if you

818
00:44:48.960 --> 00:44:53.880
learn the skills you work on yourself, you do all

819
00:44:53.920 --> 00:44:56.679
the different things. You can do things you never thought

820
00:44:56.760 --> 00:45:00.840
you could. So your relationship's not impossible. Well, your job's

821
00:45:00.920 --> 00:45:04.800
not impossible. The things you see. There is possibility in

822
00:45:04.960 --> 00:45:09.199
every space as you begin to understand what you're doing

823
00:45:09.239 --> 00:45:12.039
around it and accept it. It's a limiting belief. Do

824
00:45:12.199 --> 00:45:14.400
not believe that thing that says it's impossible.

825
00:45:14.599 --> 00:45:17.360
Oh I love it. Thank you so much, Greg, and

826
00:45:17.559 --> 00:45:21.199
thank you. And I'm just fascinated about your book. I

827
00:45:21.239 --> 00:45:22.840
think that's got to be incredible.

828
00:45:23.199 --> 00:45:23.599
Folks.

829
00:45:23.639 --> 00:45:26.199
I hope you've enjoyed this and go get that book

830
00:45:26.280 --> 00:45:31.920
because I guarantee you we all need help in our communication. Anyways,

831
00:45:32.000 --> 00:45:34.400
Thanks so much, folks, thanks for listening. I hope you'll

832
00:45:34.440 --> 00:45:37.719
join it again soon. And as usual, this is doctor

833
00:45:37.760 --> 00:45:39.559
Doug saying, now, mistake