Aug. 25, 2026

Who Are You When the Work Is Gone?

Who Are You When the Work Is Gone?

Many of us are living a life someone else chose for us. Author and longtime coach Chip Scholz joins Dr. Doug to talk about what happens when identity gets tied to a title, a family business, or a role we were expected to fill, and what remains when those things fall away. They speak gently about layoffs, illness, changed motivators, and the slow work of returning to who we actually are. A conversation for anyone quietly asking, is this really me? Scholzandassociates.com

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This program is designed to provide general information with regards

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to the subject matters covered. This information is given with

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the understanding that neither the hosts, guests, sponsors, or station

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are engaged in rendering any specific and personal medical, financial, legal, counseling,

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professional service, or any advice. You should seek the services

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of competent professionals before applying or trying any suggested ideas.

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I have spent years in conversation with people who are

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successful by every measure and still quietly restless, not broken,

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not lost, just aware somewhere underneath the noise that there

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is a version of their life that feels more honest,

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more grounded, more genuinely theirs. This podcast exists for those people,

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for the ones who are done performing and ready to

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go deeper.

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My name is Dr. Doug. Welcome to Inspire Vision. I

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am glad you are here. Chip, welcome.

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Dr. Daga, I'm so glad to be here. Thank you

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very much.

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Oh, and I'm really excited, as we were just chatting

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a little bit before. Your focus has become so similar

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and analogous to what I am so focused on now

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that I'm really looking forward to this conversation. I'd love

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for you to kind of share with the audience your

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background very quickly, talk a little bit about your book

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that you've written, and then... We'll get into all of

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the other topics that we want to talk about.

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Yeah, you know, it's funny because I've kind of defined

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myself differently these days than I have. I've spent the

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last 30 years as an executive coach and a facilitator

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and a speaker and all those kind of things. But

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now I really call myself an author, a speaker, and

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a craftsperson. You can see behind me a whole bunch

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of different wooden objects. Those are all things that I've made. Wow.

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I love woodturning. In fact, I was just out finishing

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a couple of Christmas ornaments while we were waiting for

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time to speak. I think when you become a coach

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and you start to have some of your own thoughts

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and you read pretty broadly and you read all the

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great people, the John Maxwells and the Stephen Coveys and that,

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you start to get your own idea. And that led

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to writing a book, which is Small Decisions, Big Shifts.

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That came out in October of last year. Took me

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10 years to write it. And there's a story that

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goes along with that, but I'll save that for another time.

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And I'm You know, I was so thoroughly enjoying the

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writing process that I wrote another one. It took me

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about a month and a half to write it. And

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that one was Every Dog Has His Day. That came

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out in March of this year. And I just kept going.

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It took me about six months to write another one

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called Handoffs, which is about family business. That's coming out

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in October of this year. And I'm working on another

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one for next year.

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Oh, that's fantastic. So you know what's always interesting? Here

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you have this major business orientation that you've done for years.

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I had a dental practice for 21 years before neurological

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situations eliminated that. But what I find interesting is the

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journey that people are on, particularly as I have an

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opportunity to visit with them like this, and to see

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how that journey has changed their life to the point

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that they're doing now what they're doing. So for instance,

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what you're doing now is so different, I think, from

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what you used to do. What was your journey?

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What happened? And how did that change take place? Was

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it gradual? Was it sudden?

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Well, I was, I was a big company guy, you know,

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so I worked for Del Monte, which at the time

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was an independent company, but it ended up selling to

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RJ Reynolds while I was working for them, selling beans

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and corn and ketchup in Charlotte and Atlanta, left them,

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ended up in the air freight business and was selling

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for them in Atlanta, got promoted to a district manager

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position in Tampa. And then got promoted again and sent

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to Los Angeles. Talking about quite the cultural shock to

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go from Tampa, Florida to Los Angeles. I'd grown up

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in Chicago, so big cities weren't that much of a

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mystery to me. But my wife and kids had a

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difficult transition with the culture. But along the way, I

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ended up working for a company called BFI. It was

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a trash company at the time. And, you know, it's

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funny because all of the companies that I worked for

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don't exist in their same form today.

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Yeah.

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Yeah, most of them are gone. But in May of 98,

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I got laid off. And BFI was going to sell.

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We didn't know it at the time, but they were

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going to sell about six months later. And they were

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getting rid of all the people who knew where the

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bodies were buried. So, you know, I was a lobbyist.

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And I'd been a lobbyist for 10 years. So I

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got laid off and I called my wife and I said, hey,

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guess what? I'd got the package. And she said, great.

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She said, so what do you want to do? And

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I said, I know a couple of things. I know

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I don't want to do it here. And I don't

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want to work for anybody else. And I want to

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hang my own shingle. And she said, OK, let's figure

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it out. So we spent about a year. We came

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back to North Carolina. We started building a house, went

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back to L.A., took temporary permanent jobs, and made our

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plans to move. And so in July of 99, we

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moved to North Carolina. We moved in a 19-foot travel

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trailer with five cats, two dogs, and three humans.

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Wow.

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Yeah.

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That's another story. Spent a month and a half on

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the road coming from the West Coast to the East Coast.

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In fact, we put her feet in the Pacific in

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Santa Monica and put them in the Atlantic outside of Charleston,

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South Carolina. Just had a great time. And we got

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back here and then all of a sudden we had

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to figure out what we wanted to do. you know,

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my wife and I didn't have a job. Um, we

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had a grown daughter that was, uh, that was with

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us as well. And, you know, um, my wife started

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a business, I started a business and here we are

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almost 30 years later. Um, I, I don't think the

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business is the same today as it was when I

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started out. Certainly I, you know, I, I wanted to

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be a, um, a platform speaker, you know, somebody who

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speaks for a living and, and, uh, And I found

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out that that is just a lonely job. You know,

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you get all kinds of love when you're on stage

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for two hours. And in fact, I heard a comedian

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talk about this because it's the same thing as being

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a comedian. You go on stage and you do your

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set or you do your motivational speech and you walk

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off stage and people are applauding and, you know, buying

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you drinks and that. And then you go back to

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your hotel room and eat bad food and wait for

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your plane. And that's it. And I didn't want that

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life for myself. I wanted relationships. I wanted to make relationships.

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And that's where I found coaching. And so that helped.

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Well, and, you know, that's so interesting. I've really been

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focusing for a number of years, but more recently developed

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a program called the 4D Personal Portraits. And it goes

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to talking about what you were just sharing is that,

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you know, so often we find ourselves doing things because

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we've been told this is what we need to do.

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You know, for me, five boys, one daughter in our family.

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And my dad basically was a classical voice teacher for

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university and, you know, nationally known. But his comment to

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us was, you will not go into teaching.

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You will all become professionals. And for the most part,

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we did.

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And, you know, it's interesting how we, quote, become what

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we've been taught to become in so many times. And

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then later on in life, for whatever reason, when things happen,

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all of a sudden we find ourselves in a much

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more enjoyable and peaceful experience. I know my daughter was

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going for her Ph.D.

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In sociology.

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And she was at the master's degree and had a

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whole program ready to go into the PhD. And she said, Dad,

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I'm not sure I feel that way. And of course,

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we had done this analysis for her. And it was like,

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you know, when you look at this, this is not

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who you are. And so she finished her master's, went

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on and is doing something entirely different. And you know,

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it sounds like exactly for you, too. You know, you

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were doing what you were doing, doing it very well.

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But here you are now doing something that my impression

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is you absolutely love. And as you say, you know,

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speaking was so dramatically attractive. And yet when you realized

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that's not what I really want to do, and you

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had the ability to understand that within yourself, it's so

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fascinating that you're able to do that. And As you

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work with people, how often do you find that they

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are doing what they've been told to do or becoming

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what they've been told to become from childhood on versus

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becoming who they truly are, which then resonates and they

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find that their work is no longer work, but it's

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just enjoyment.

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I'll answer that in two ways. One is my dad

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was the consummate salesman. He was an incredible salesperson. And

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that's the that's the place that I grew up is

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is he was a salesman sometimes on the road, but

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mostly it was, you know, being around. He didn't start

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traveling till we were junior high, high school. And so

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I just want to be like my dad, you know? Yeah.

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And I came out of school in 78. The recession

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was in full bloom then. And so I got a

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job selling. And, you know, it's not necessarily that I

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knew what I wanted to do. It's just what I

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was expected to do. The second way I'll answer that

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is that I work with a number of family businesses

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and multi-generational family business. There is an expectation that you

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will go into the business. And so many of the

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people that I deal with have been working in the

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business since they were six or eight years old. They

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were working on the dock or, you know, these are

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logistics business, trucking business, but they've been working. they've been

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working in the business since they were kids and they were,

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they were surrounded by the business and, you know, they were,

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they were in that soft, warm embrace, you know, of,

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of being in the business. And now they're 70 years

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old and still in the business, still running the business

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and they don't know what the hell to do. Yeah. Um, I, because, okay,

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selling it would be painful. Um, although a number of, uh,

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of people that I've known have, have done that. Uh,

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but selling the business is tough and, and, uh, um,

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Handing it off is tough. The book that I've got

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coming out is about a family business that there's an

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intergenerational handoff that has to happen, doesn't happen, and then

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there's some things that happen about that. And so much

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of their identity is wrapped up in what they do.

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And they just can't imagine that. what it'd be like

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not to be able to do that anymore. Um, and so,

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and so they hold on and they create all kinds

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of hell for, for their kids and for the families

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of their kids. And, um, you know, I've, I've just

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seen so many situations where, um, where, where the kids

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can't come over to Thanksgiving because, you know, they've, they've

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gotten at odds with the old man. Um, I had

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one situation where, uh, um, It just, it was a mess.

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And the kid ended up getting fired and then starting

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a business and started stealing employees. And again, Thanksgiving was

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not a good time for that family.

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Well, it can become such a mess. And yet at

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the same time, what I have found, and for me,

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it took decades to get to the point where I

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am now. And I'm still on that journey. I'm not

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even where I really want to be, I'm sure. But

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what's interesting is how much that self-talk, that external talk

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from family, from society, from school, from religion, whatever it

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happens to be, really affects the decisions we make. And

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then those decisions ultimately create the life we're experiencing, which

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so often is not what we want to experience. And

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in the case you're just sharing, it's very dramatic. But

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I think for many people, that experience is just something

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just doesn't feel right or there's some stress or something's

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going on that they're just not as happy and at

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peace as they could be. And so talk a little

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bit about that, how those assumptions, how the self-talk really

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affects our outcome and experience in life.

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A friend of mine, a guy named Art Blanchford, he

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also runs a podcast, Life in Transition, if you ever

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get a chance to listen. He's a brilliant guy. And

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he wrote something recently that I thought was amazing, and

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I'm going to butcher it. But it was, retirement is

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not the time to figure out what your life was for.

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Think about that. Retirement is not the time. If you

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are waiting for retirement to figure out what your purpose is,

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it's not going to be good. And so, you know,

244
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I was lucky. I was really lucky. And I say

245
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that in kind of a weird way. My parents died early.

246
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My dad died when he was 51. My mom died

247
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when she was 56. I was 30 years old and

248
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I was an orphan. And so I didn't have the

249
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parental expectations to live up to anymore. But it was

250
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a slow motion, not living up to the expectations. And

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so I ended up in lobbying, not in sales. I

252
00:15:18.519 --> 00:15:22.879
guess lobbying is sales. But I ended up in my

253
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own business, which is something I don't think my dad

254
00:15:25.809 --> 00:15:29.179
could ever think about doing anymore. you know, I don't

255
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ever think he even considered it. My grandfather was a,

256
00:15:32.179 --> 00:15:35.460
was an entrepreneur from way back. I mean, he was

257
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a realtor most of his life and, uh, and, you know,

258
00:15:38.019 --> 00:15:41.730
just love to, uh, to do deals. And, um, hell,

259
00:15:42.009 --> 00:15:45.409
my grandfather used to trade houses like some people trade cars.

260
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In fact, he traded cars like some people trade cars. And, uh,

261
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you know, he was, He was incredible. My dad got

262
00:15:52.440 --> 00:15:55.299
the car trading bug from him, but he didn't get

263
00:15:55.320 --> 00:15:59.610
the house trading bug, thank goodness. But my grandparents, they

264
00:15:59.710 --> 00:16:02.970
moved 28 times in the time they were married, in

265
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the 52 years they were married. Yeah, it was crazy.

266
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So I really didn't have those expectations. And that allowed

267
00:16:13.649 --> 00:16:17.669
me to be freer than it might have to try

268
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something new. I don't know. In retrospect, you can think anything,

269
00:16:21.350 --> 00:16:23.269
but that's what it seems.

270
00:16:23.629 --> 00:16:25.429
Well, and you know, it's interesting.

271
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As I've been focusing on this, what I realize is there's,

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in my mind, at least three sets. There may be

273
00:16:32.360 --> 00:16:35.059
more that you can think of, but The first set

274
00:16:35.139 --> 00:16:38.360
is that young person who's just graduating from high school,

275
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ready to go out into the world and try to

276
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figure out what on earth, what kind of profession does

277
00:16:44.700 --> 00:16:46.460
he want to go into or what kind of work,

278
00:16:47.080 --> 00:16:49.139
whatever that happens to be. Does he want to go

279
00:16:49.159 --> 00:16:52.990
to school, not go to school? And he really doesn't know.

280
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And all he has or she has is what the

281
00:16:57.509 --> 00:17:00.990
influences have been all of those years. So you've got

282
00:17:01.110 --> 00:17:04.230
that person trying to figure it out. which, you know,

283
00:17:04.269 --> 00:17:08.410
in my mind, prevention is so much better than trying

284
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to fix it later on. But then you have the

285
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midlife people who are in a job, you know, and

286
00:17:14.079 --> 00:17:17.920
they're doing what they thought, whatever choices they made to

287
00:17:17.960 --> 00:17:21.660
be doing that. And yet they're really not happy at

288
00:17:21.700 --> 00:17:24.519
their job and what they're doing. But the fear of

289
00:17:24.920 --> 00:17:29.940
changing jobs entirely is so overwhelming that they just continue

290
00:17:29.980 --> 00:17:33.369
to live in that or You have the person who either,

291
00:17:33.910 --> 00:17:37.430
like myself, was a forced retirement, which I really didn't retire,

292
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or they get to an age where now they're retired,

293
00:17:42.150 --> 00:17:45.470
and all of a sudden, the kids are gone, the

294
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work is gone, and what do I do? So you've

295
00:17:48.809 --> 00:17:52.569
got those three sets of people that I think have

296
00:17:52.930 --> 00:17:57.259
a similar type of challenge and really don't know how

297
00:17:57.299 --> 00:18:00.029
to figure it out. And obviously, that's one of the

298
00:18:00.049 --> 00:18:01.910
things I do. But I want your opinion on that

299
00:18:01.970 --> 00:18:02.710
and thoughts on that.

300
00:18:02.990 --> 00:18:09.259
And there are two things. Thoreau said that we all

301
00:18:09.339 --> 00:18:11.359
live lives of quiet desperation.

302
00:18:11.599 --> 00:18:11.859
Yes.

303
00:18:12.200 --> 00:18:16.339
Which I think is extremely poignant in the example that

304
00:18:16.359 --> 00:18:20.059
you pointed out. The second thing is that we are

305
00:18:20.180 --> 00:18:23.920
rarely the architects of our own change. I often think

306
00:18:23.960 --> 00:18:26.589
about this. If I'd stayed in LA, if my wife

307
00:18:26.609 --> 00:18:29.009
and I had stayed in LA and raised the kids

308
00:18:29.109 --> 00:18:32.750
out there, would I have gone into my own business? Well,

309
00:18:32.869 --> 00:18:36.369
probably not. I probably would have done more of the

310
00:18:36.410 --> 00:18:40.440
same of what I was doing. But I got laid off.

311
00:18:41.000 --> 00:18:43.539
And it gave me the opportunity to say, the hell

312
00:18:43.579 --> 00:18:45.960
with it. I mean, I had a year's worth of income.

313
00:18:46.039 --> 00:18:48.859
I had You know, we had a West Coast house, which,

314
00:18:49.059 --> 00:18:51.279
you know, is worth a lot more in the South

315
00:18:51.339 --> 00:18:55.400
than it is in the West Coast. And and so

316
00:18:55.460 --> 00:18:58.730
we had options and we decided to take those options

317
00:18:58.789 --> 00:19:02.329
and completely reinvent. I mean, just, you know, going twenty

318
00:19:02.369 --> 00:19:04.930
five hundred miles away from all of your contacts and

319
00:19:05.049 --> 00:19:07.130
all of your friends and all the people that you've

320
00:19:07.150 --> 00:19:12.519
built up relationships with over a 13 year span, you know, is,

321
00:19:12.839 --> 00:19:15.720
you know, it's scary to a lot of people.

322
00:19:16.039 --> 00:19:16.720
Oh, it is.

323
00:19:18.000 --> 00:19:21.839
And then there's the pull of family. So, you know,

324
00:19:21.920 --> 00:19:24.039
if your family is all in New England, my wife's

325
00:19:24.059 --> 00:19:26.200
family is all in New England, she'll always be a

326
00:19:26.220 --> 00:19:29.279
New England girl. And even though we live away from there,

327
00:19:29.299 --> 00:19:35.609
I mean, when we got to California, we had a

328
00:19:35.650 --> 00:19:39.500
rough getting there. We got into LAX. There were like

329
00:19:39.559 --> 00:19:43.200
three 747s of Koreans that let out at the same time.

330
00:19:43.869 --> 00:19:46.710
And so baggage claim was a cluster, and then we

331
00:19:46.750 --> 00:19:50.059
had all the car dings, and we're trying to get

332
00:19:50.119 --> 00:19:53.039
all our bags and dogs and all this other kind

333
00:19:53.059 --> 00:19:57.779
of stuff and so we're driving to the Santa Clarita

334
00:19:57.819 --> 00:20:01.460
Valley which is two mountain ranges past Los Angeles LAX

335
00:20:02.420 --> 00:20:06.339
as we top the second mountain range we run up

336
00:20:06.359 --> 00:20:10.529
across a pickup truck an old Ford pickup truck that

337
00:20:10.569 --> 00:20:13.839
has on the bumper sticker says, welcome to California, now

338
00:20:13.880 --> 00:20:19.240
go home. And my mature, rational wife bursts into tears

339
00:20:19.319 --> 00:20:19.660
and says.

340
00:20:19.779 --> 00:20:20.680
I want my mother.

341
00:20:20.700 --> 00:20:26.240
And so it was as far away from New England

342
00:20:26.299 --> 00:20:29.799
as she'd ever been. But we had made that break already.

343
00:20:30.140 --> 00:20:33.549
But if you have never made that break, if you're

344
00:20:33.569 --> 00:20:39.910
sitting in Decatur, Illinois, or Traverse City, Michigan, or Columbus, Ohio,

345
00:20:40.369 --> 00:20:42.410
and you've never been out of there, and your whole

346
00:20:42.450 --> 00:20:45.289
family is there, you might see things a little bit differently.

347
00:20:46.369 --> 00:20:49.289
That makes it harder to get out either.

348
00:20:49.569 --> 00:20:50.430
It makes it harder.

349
00:20:50.490 --> 00:20:53.390
And one of the thoughts, and after my dental practice,

350
00:20:53.410 --> 00:20:55.470
I went back to business school. So I started working

351
00:20:55.509 --> 00:20:57.109
with small businesses as a consultant.

352
00:20:57.150 --> 00:20:58.190
Where was your dental practice?

353
00:20:58.890 --> 00:20:59.670
In Palm Springs.

354
00:21:00.359 --> 00:21:00.670
Oh, okay.

355
00:21:01.059 --> 00:21:01.470
Oh, good.

356
00:21:01.730 --> 00:21:02.160
Good.

357
00:21:03.140 --> 00:21:06.640
So anyway, well, Chicago and then Palm Springs. So I

358
00:21:06.680 --> 00:21:07.900
grew up in Chicago also.

359
00:21:08.440 --> 00:21:09.960
But anyway.

360
00:21:10.220 --> 00:21:13.039
Okay, so you got to stop. Where in Chicago did

361
00:21:13.059 --> 00:21:13.400
you grow up?

362
00:21:13.779 --> 00:21:14.180
Wilmette.

363
00:21:14.680 --> 00:21:16.420
Okay, I grew up in Wheaton.

364
00:21:16.900 --> 00:21:20.289
Okay, all right. So anyway, I.

365
00:21:21.430 --> 00:21:24.450
Went from there to doing the consulting and so forth

366
00:21:24.509 --> 00:21:30.390
for years and different locations. So I moved houses. But ultimately,

367
00:21:31.609 --> 00:21:36.210
I found that that still wasn't satisfying. And so I

368
00:21:36.309 --> 00:21:39.579
am where I am now, which has been an interesting journey.

369
00:21:39.640 --> 00:21:42.319
But the one thing that I think about for people

370
00:21:42.420 --> 00:21:48.430
who are they don't necessarily have the ability to change jobs.

371
00:21:49.069 --> 00:21:51.549
And as you and I were talking before we started

372
00:21:51.589 --> 00:21:54.670
the podcast, you talked about what you have behind you,

373
00:21:54.730 --> 00:21:58.839
all the woodwork that you do. And I'm sure that

374
00:21:58.880 --> 00:22:00.980
if we were to do that analysis that I do,

375
00:22:01.019 --> 00:22:04.339
the personal portrait for you, we would find that there's

376
00:22:04.380 --> 00:22:08.450
that artistic aspect to you that you naturally do. And

377
00:22:12.329 --> 00:22:14.369
I want your opinion on this because I think there's

378
00:22:14.390 --> 00:22:16.470
a lot of people that may be listening and thinking,

379
00:22:16.490 --> 00:22:18.269
you know, I'm in a job that I just can't,

380
00:22:18.759 --> 00:22:19.380
I can't change.

381
00:22:19.430 --> 00:22:20.480
I can't afford to do that.

382
00:22:20.519 --> 00:22:22.440
I don't have the ability to do that at this

383
00:22:22.500 --> 00:22:27.220
point in time. And yet how valid and valuable would

384
00:22:27.279 --> 00:22:30.079
it be for them to find and discover what are

385
00:22:30.119 --> 00:22:34.880
those true motivators? What are those true purposes and motivators

386
00:22:34.940 --> 00:22:39.569
for them that they could start doing that and fulfilling

387
00:22:39.609 --> 00:22:43.519
those needs and quote, on the side, you know, for instance,

388
00:22:43.559 --> 00:22:45.720
if you were still in the situation you were in

389
00:22:45.779 --> 00:22:48.740
and you were not happy, and yet you had the

390
00:22:48.779 --> 00:22:51.819
ability to take time to do your woodwork, which you

391
00:22:51.920 --> 00:22:55.799
absolutely love, what a difference that would make. And in

392
00:22:55.859 --> 00:22:59.920
my mind, it would actually start to minimize that discomfort

393
00:23:00.460 --> 00:23:04.880
of that midlife situation because now they're able to do,

394
00:23:05.730 --> 00:23:09.029
it's not an either or, it's a both and situation.

395
00:23:09.700 --> 00:23:13.380
So that, all right, work is work, but that's not

396
00:23:13.420 --> 00:23:16.720
my purpose. That's not my motivator other than to, you know,

397
00:23:17.190 --> 00:23:20.410
provide for the family or for myself. But here's what

398
00:23:20.450 --> 00:23:23.849
I love doing and taking the time to start doing

399
00:23:23.890 --> 00:23:24.849
that in their lives.

400
00:23:25.089 --> 00:23:26.089
What are your thoughts on that?

401
00:23:26.750 --> 00:23:27.890
First of all, where'd you go to school?

402
00:23:28.329 --> 00:23:29.589
Northwestern University.

403
00:23:30.029 --> 00:23:35.170
Oh, Northwestern. I went to Illinois Westland and we actually

404
00:23:35.250 --> 00:23:40.200
had a... a walkout from our fraternity and we went

405
00:23:40.240 --> 00:23:43.319
to Northwestern for, uh, for the weekend and we caused

406
00:23:43.339 --> 00:23:46.730
all kinds of hell. But, uh, anyway, um, I love Northwestern.

407
00:23:46.750 --> 00:23:48.710
It's great, great campus. Did you go there for a

408
00:23:48.710 --> 00:23:49.730
dental school as well?

409
00:23:49.769 --> 00:23:53.089
Yeah, it was dental school. So I was downtown in Chicago. Uh,

410
00:23:53.369 --> 00:23:57.559
and you know, ultimately the medical people had more power.

411
00:23:57.230 --> 00:23:59.359
And they ended up eliminating the dental.

412
00:23:59.079 --> 00:24:03.269
School about three years after I graduated. But, uh, Anyway, yeah,

413
00:24:03.349 --> 00:24:06.470
I was downtown Chicago for dental school, but obviously I

414
00:24:06.750 --> 00:24:08.089
lived up in the North Shore.

415
00:24:09.130 --> 00:24:09.970
Yes, and?

416
00:24:10.349 --> 00:24:13.470
So, you know, I'll answer that in a couple of ways.

417
00:24:13.890 --> 00:24:20.740
My motivators changed. So when I was lobbying, and I

418
00:24:20.859 --> 00:24:25.839
use an instrument called driving forces, and it's the 12

419
00:24:25.839 --> 00:24:31.450
driving forces, and it's created and sold by a company

420
00:24:31.470 --> 00:24:36.960
called TTI. Um, my driving forces were altruistic, which was

421
00:24:37.119 --> 00:24:41.200
helping other people without any thought of, of remuneration. Um,

422
00:24:41.420 --> 00:24:44.059
and it was commanding, which is you got to lead,

423
00:24:44.079 --> 00:24:46.339
you got to win, you got to compete. So I

424
00:24:46.359 --> 00:24:49.079
was very competitive and I wanted to help people. My

425
00:24:49.140 --> 00:24:53.960
resourceful was really low. So resourceful was, is all about

426
00:24:53.980 --> 00:24:56.799
the money. Um, um, I got out of my own

427
00:24:56.859 --> 00:25:00.240
business and I would have starved if I kept the

428
00:25:00.259 --> 00:25:04.059
same motivator. So over time, my motivators changed and I

429
00:25:04.099 --> 00:25:06.609
got real comfortable with asking people for money and I

430
00:25:06.650 --> 00:25:10.650
got real comfortable putting dollars in the bank account. And

431
00:25:10.670 --> 00:25:13.789
I remember when my motivator shifted and I showed my

432
00:25:13.829 --> 00:25:16.049
wife and she looked at me and said, my work

433
00:25:16.089 --> 00:25:19.980
here is done. So your motivators can change over time

434
00:25:20.059 --> 00:25:24.440
and that goes along with your comment about about how

435
00:25:24.700 --> 00:25:27.930
you get into something, you know, maybe a hobby or

436
00:25:28.009 --> 00:25:31.109
something that, that can change the way you think about that. Um,

437
00:25:31.650 --> 00:25:35.329
my mother-in-law was, uh, was a dear sweet woman. She

438
00:25:35.470 --> 00:25:39.190
died 12 days shy of 98. Um, she died in

439
00:25:39.309 --> 00:25:41.650
my easy chair in my wife's arms. It was, it

440
00:25:41.690 --> 00:25:44.859
was pretty incredible. And, uh, um, and she was a

441
00:25:44.880 --> 00:25:48.079
craftsperson and that's, that's why I described myself as a

442
00:25:48.119 --> 00:25:51.230
craftsman at this, as this point, because, uh, um, The

443
00:25:51.269 --> 00:25:55.099
craft is just as important to me as the author

444
00:25:55.160 --> 00:25:59.119
and the speaker and other things. And all she wanted,

445
00:26:00.019 --> 00:26:01.990
I had a stroke 14 years ago and that got

446
00:26:02.029 --> 00:26:05.069
me into the lathe. And my wife bought me a

447
00:26:05.109 --> 00:26:07.750
lathe for Christmas and I hadn't turned anything since I

448
00:26:07.769 --> 00:26:10.509
was in junior high. And I started turning things and

449
00:26:10.529 --> 00:26:14.109
I fell in love. My mother-in-law had always wanted me

450
00:26:14.289 --> 00:26:17.910
to be useful. She wanted me to do something useful.

451
00:26:18.349 --> 00:26:22.170
And before the stroke, I was working way too many hours.

452
00:26:22.450 --> 00:26:25.170
I was spending 200 nights a year in a hotel

453
00:26:25.519 --> 00:26:30.420
and that kind of thing. It was just, you know,

454
00:26:30.640 --> 00:26:35.039
it was unsustainable ultimately. And it led to having a stroke.

455
00:26:36.250 --> 00:26:38.190
Before the stroke, you know, my wife and I played

456
00:26:38.230 --> 00:26:40.509
golf on Sundays and the rest of the time I

457
00:26:40.509 --> 00:26:44.029
was working. That all changed. And her idea of being

458
00:26:44.190 --> 00:26:47.789
useful took over. And so when I talk about retirement

459
00:26:47.829 --> 00:26:50.170
as a poor time to think about your purpose, that

460
00:26:50.490 --> 00:26:54.380
really helped me center on my purpose. And my purpose

461
00:26:54.910 --> 00:26:58.119
is I live to develop people. So that's what I

462
00:26:58.160 --> 00:26:59.519
do when I get up in the morning is I

463
00:26:59.880 --> 00:27:04.559
help people. I'm not worried about, you know... what particular

464
00:27:04.599 --> 00:27:07.000
problem they're dealing with. I want to help them deal

465
00:27:07.019 --> 00:27:11.200
with their problems better. That's what I help them do. And, oh,

466
00:27:11.240 --> 00:27:15.609
by the way, I teach woodturning. And I am the

467
00:27:15.660 --> 00:27:20.549
president of the North Carolina Woodturners Association. Believe me, it's

468
00:27:20.970 --> 00:27:23.410
a whole lot more prestigious, or it's a whole lot

469
00:27:23.430 --> 00:27:28.809
less prestigious than it sounds. But anyway, you know, it's

470
00:27:28.849 --> 00:27:31.269
what I do. And that makes me useful.

471
00:27:31.569 --> 00:27:32.710
And that makes you happy.

472
00:27:33.079 --> 00:27:34.019
And that makes me happy.

473
00:27:34.039 --> 00:27:34.980
Yes. Yes.

474
00:27:35.240 --> 00:27:38.880
And, you know, I know one of the areas that

475
00:27:38.900 --> 00:27:42.599
you talk about is identity. And, you know, in my mind,

476
00:27:42.700 --> 00:27:45.450
and again, I use a different analysis than you use,

477
00:27:45.910 --> 00:27:49.029
but it gets into the fact that, you know, we

478
00:27:49.069 --> 00:27:54.170
have different identities. There's that identity of who we truly are,

479
00:27:54.750 --> 00:27:57.460
which most of the time has been lost since we

480
00:27:57.480 --> 00:28:01.200
were eight years old. You know, you have the identity

481
00:28:01.220 --> 00:28:03.410
of who I need to be. And then you kind

482
00:28:03.470 --> 00:28:06.960
of have the conscious identity of combining all those together

483
00:28:07.000 --> 00:28:07.740
and here's who.

484
00:28:07.619 --> 00:28:08.200
I am now.

485
00:28:08.819 --> 00:28:13.920
And yet, you know, when we tie that identity to

486
00:28:14.019 --> 00:28:17.099
our work or to a title, you know, where the

487
00:28:17.299 --> 00:28:20.700
ego starts to play, you know, and Buddha talks about

488
00:28:20.740 --> 00:28:23.420
this a lot, about how the fact that, you know,

489
00:28:23.700 --> 00:28:28.220
we attach ourselves to things and that's what helps us

490
00:28:28.319 --> 00:28:32.730
to become important in our own minds. And so talk

491
00:28:32.769 --> 00:28:35.029
a little bit about what your thoughts are about the

492
00:28:35.130 --> 00:28:38.490
identity and what happens when they're so tied to things

493
00:28:38.990 --> 00:28:43.970
that are not necessarily who they truly are innately.

494
00:28:44.130 --> 00:28:45.019
It's a great question.

495
00:28:45.190 --> 00:28:47.259
So in your experience, what have you.

496
00:28:47.519 --> 00:28:50.680
You know, what I have found is that so often,

497
00:28:51.599 --> 00:28:55.440
and I get a little bit theological here because that

498
00:28:55.519 --> 00:28:58.710
is part of my life, But what I find is

499
00:28:58.869 --> 00:29:03.269
that if we were to understand that internally, we are

500
00:29:03.329 --> 00:29:07.309
divine beings. And, you know, whatever religion you happen to

501
00:29:07.349 --> 00:29:09.450
belong to, it doesn't have to be one or the other.

502
00:29:09.490 --> 00:29:12.650
But the reality is, is that for the most part,

503
00:29:12.769 --> 00:29:16.670
there's that goodness within us. And that's who we are.

504
00:29:16.910 --> 00:29:20.890
And we can discover over time, and oftentimes it's a journey,

505
00:29:21.490 --> 00:29:23.890
what our purpose of Being here.

506
00:29:23.869 --> 00:29:24.630
In life is.

507
00:29:24.970 --> 00:29:27.130
And as you say, for you to helping people, for

508
00:29:27.150 --> 00:29:31.980
me too, it's the same thing. And yet that identity

509
00:29:32.200 --> 00:29:36.710
is so often lost because of childhood impressions and all

510
00:29:36.750 --> 00:29:39.509
the stuff that goes on to where now we're living

511
00:29:39.529 --> 00:29:43.309
an identity. that is someone else's. It's our parents, it's

512
00:29:43.410 --> 00:29:48.829
our religions, it's our society. And when we're doing that,

513
00:29:49.329 --> 00:29:55.240
that's where you start to see people frustrated, depressed, anxious,

514
00:29:56.000 --> 00:30:00.200
and oftentimes they don't even know why. But the reality is,

515
00:30:00.220 --> 00:30:03.140
is that they are not being true to who they

516
00:30:03.200 --> 00:30:08.410
truly are. And so in my mind, the ability to slowly,

517
00:30:08.470 --> 00:30:11.950
and I say it is a slow journey, to return

518
00:30:12.029 --> 00:30:16.380
back to who they are and to start to identify

519
00:30:16.430 --> 00:30:19.500
that over a period of time and start to take

520
00:30:19.599 --> 00:30:24.119
all of those impressions and imprints in their lives and

521
00:30:24.299 --> 00:30:28.410
recognize consciously that that, hey, they're there. And in many cases,

522
00:30:28.430 --> 00:30:31.730
it's been very positive what it has done for them.

523
00:30:31.789 --> 00:30:36.549
But ultimately, be aware and conscious enough that, okay, here's this,

524
00:30:36.630 --> 00:30:38.730
and this serves a good purpose here.

525
00:30:38.829 --> 00:30:40.369
But the reality is, that's.

526
00:30:40.210 --> 00:30:42.750
Not who I am. You know, my big house is

527
00:30:42.809 --> 00:30:44.809
not who I am. My nice car is not who

528
00:30:44.890 --> 00:30:45.230
I am.

529
00:30:45.470 --> 00:30:47.730
Or the fact that I don't have a house is

530
00:30:47.769 --> 00:30:48.589
not who I am.

531
00:30:49.130 --> 00:30:53.049
Or whatever that happens to be, who I am is

532
00:30:53.410 --> 00:30:59.630
something that is so unique, divine, and purposeful. And it's

533
00:30:59.650 --> 00:31:02.529
just a matter of getting back to understanding that. And

534
00:31:02.569 --> 00:31:05.599
then as you say, and as you described, then all

535
00:31:05.619 --> 00:31:09.059
of a sudden, you can start to develop those other motivators,

536
00:31:09.099 --> 00:31:12.299
you can start to develop all those other talents to

537
00:31:12.359 --> 00:31:17.619
become and to then take that innate foundation, and then

538
00:31:17.680 --> 00:31:19.380
become who you were meant to become.

539
00:31:19.859 --> 00:31:24.240
You know, Wayne Dyer said, I love this quote, is

540
00:31:24.339 --> 00:31:27.900
that we're not human beings having a spiritual experience. We're

541
00:31:28.279 --> 00:31:31.789
spiritual beings having a human experience. And I love that quote.

542
00:31:32.910 --> 00:31:34.210
And so I think there is a bit of the

543
00:31:34.269 --> 00:31:41.690
divine there. I also think that reinventing yourself is, you know,

544
00:31:41.779 --> 00:31:45.619
it's a tricky business. And I'm lucky that it turned

545
00:31:45.720 --> 00:31:47.599
out all right. But I was one of those kind

546
00:31:47.619 --> 00:31:50.069
of people that, was going to make a turnout, right.

547
00:31:50.089 --> 00:31:53.970
No matter what, you know, um, I was failure is

548
00:31:54.039 --> 00:31:57.900
not an option was a, was a great saying of mine. Um, and, uh,

549
00:31:58.279 --> 00:32:00.420
and I, you know, look, we fail a thousand times

550
00:32:00.480 --> 00:32:05.259
every day. Um, but, uh, um, but, in the grand

551
00:32:05.319 --> 00:32:09.250
scheme of things, I was not going to fail. However,

552
00:32:09.269 --> 00:32:13.250
I think it's really important. So one of the things

553
00:32:13.309 --> 00:32:15.930
that I talk about in Small Decisions, Big Shifts is

554
00:32:15.990 --> 00:32:18.549
I've got a five C's framework. And the five C's

555
00:32:18.609 --> 00:32:24.500
framework is context, clarity, conditioning, choice, and character. Context is

556
00:32:24.559 --> 00:32:27.660
being aware of your surroundings, being aware of who you are,

557
00:32:27.680 --> 00:32:31.200
and being really gut level honest about who you are

558
00:32:31.299 --> 00:32:34.650
and what your strengths are. Clarity is being certain in

559
00:32:34.710 --> 00:32:37.529
no uncertain terms what you want. And the problem with

560
00:32:37.549 --> 00:32:40.619
that is most people have no clue what they want.

561
00:32:41.150 --> 00:32:42.809
Exactly. Exactly.

562
00:32:43.109 --> 00:32:45.369
They can tell you what they don't want, but they

563
00:32:45.410 --> 00:32:47.250
can't tell you what they want. And I think it's

564
00:32:47.269 --> 00:32:51.819
so important. And I always do this. I always ask

565
00:32:51.910 --> 00:32:56.339
my coaching clients and everybody else. So if you had

566
00:32:56.380 --> 00:32:59.880
to define success for me, what is success to you?

567
00:32:59.920 --> 00:33:01.759
What are the five or six things that make up

568
00:33:01.799 --> 00:33:04.619
success for you? So I'll ask you the question. What

569
00:33:04.640 --> 00:33:06.640
are the five or six things that make up success

570
00:33:06.660 --> 00:33:06.859
for you?

571
00:33:07.029 --> 00:33:10.650
Well, for me, it's making a difference in people's lives.

572
00:33:10.789 --> 00:33:14.170
That's the one thing, and supporting my family, being a

573
00:33:14.230 --> 00:33:20.039
good parent and grandparent to my children and grandchildren. But

574
00:33:20.200 --> 00:33:24.079
I'm at that point in time in life where I've

575
00:33:24.099 --> 00:33:26.700
been blessed enough that I'm able to really focus on

576
00:33:26.720 --> 00:33:31.319
that and be retired. And even here in this community,

577
00:33:31.359 --> 00:33:33.420
and it's very frustrating for me in Thailand, I don't

578
00:33:33.500 --> 00:33:34.140
speak Thai.

579
00:33:34.259 --> 00:33:38.079
It's one of the most difficult languages to learn.

580
00:33:38.579 --> 00:33:42.200
And yet I'm among people who I see are, you know,

581
00:33:42.779 --> 00:33:45.240
on the surface, very happy. And many times because of

582
00:33:45.299 --> 00:33:48.390
the culture of Buddhism, they live a life that is

583
00:33:48.460 --> 00:33:51.210
just so unique from what we experienced in the US.

584
00:33:51.730 --> 00:33:54.029
And yet at the same time, I know that they

585
00:33:54.089 --> 00:33:56.769
have those needs. And my desire would be to be

586
00:33:56.829 --> 00:33:59.410
able to do that. And It's a challenge.

587
00:33:59.509 --> 00:34:01.269
And, you know, I speak with my wife who is

588
00:34:01.349 --> 00:34:04.930
Thai and, you know, have her kind of help me

589
00:34:04.970 --> 00:34:07.519
with that. But the reality is those are the things

590
00:34:07.599 --> 00:34:10.980
I desire to do now is really, you know, make

591
00:34:11.019 --> 00:34:15.039
a difference in other people's lives. I no longer have

592
00:34:15.079 --> 00:34:18.000
that ego of the big house and all of this. And,

593
00:34:18.179 --> 00:34:20.840
you know, who am I based on my possessions? I

594
00:34:20.880 --> 00:34:23.760
want to be comfortable. No question about that. But I

595
00:34:23.800 --> 00:34:26.849
live in a very small home. And, you know, my

596
00:34:26.869 --> 00:34:29.929
kids can't believe that I'm doing that, but I am. And,

597
00:34:30.469 --> 00:34:32.449
you know, for me, it's just like, how do I

598
00:34:32.510 --> 00:34:36.079
make a difference in people's lives? And and quite frankly,

599
00:34:36.159 --> 00:34:40.099
I think that that is ultimately something that we probably

600
00:34:40.219 --> 00:34:41.940
all desire.

601
00:34:41.460 --> 00:34:42.920
To do in one way or the other.

602
00:34:44.019 --> 00:34:47.050
And yet oftentimes we get so busy in life that

603
00:34:47.090 --> 00:34:49.090
we don't figure out how to do that.

604
00:34:49.460 --> 00:34:52.440
Doug, I've asked that question a thousand times. I have

605
00:34:52.500 --> 00:34:55.079
never heard the big boat or the big house or

606
00:34:55.099 --> 00:34:59.050
the big car or, you know, trips to Europe or

607
00:34:59.090 --> 00:35:03.010
anything like that. I always hear a great family and

608
00:35:03.070 --> 00:35:08.070
make a difference. And, you know, financial freedom always comes

609
00:35:08.250 --> 00:35:13.030
up or financial stability. It always comes up. But I

610
00:35:13.110 --> 00:35:16.369
never hear the great career or the corner office or

611
00:35:16.650 --> 00:35:18.989
that kind of thing, which leads me to believe a

612
00:35:19.449 --> 00:35:23.300
couple of things. One is that if you determine, if

613
00:35:23.840 --> 00:35:29.260
you understand that your long-term vision of success are those

614
00:35:29.340 --> 00:35:32.000
things as being happy and a great family and a

615
00:35:32.179 --> 00:35:38.989
good grandparent and a good parent, etc., good husband, etc., then,

616
00:35:39.210 --> 00:35:42.610
then all of a sudden everything else just kind of

617
00:35:42.809 --> 00:35:46.880
fades away. And it, if you, if you focus on

618
00:35:46.920 --> 00:35:50.360
those things, those are all lifetime goals. You know, you're not,

619
00:35:50.500 --> 00:35:53.309
you're not 20 anymore, but 20 year olds say the

620
00:35:53.349 --> 00:35:58.369
same thing. Yeah. And, And, you know, at 20, your

621
00:35:58.429 --> 00:36:01.809
definition may be different than it is at 70, but

622
00:36:01.849 --> 00:36:04.239
that's going to change. And so I, you know, I

623
00:36:04.239 --> 00:36:07.280
build a system in there that changes along with that.

624
00:36:07.320 --> 00:36:10.840
It's called waypoints. But the bottom line is, is that.

625
00:36:11.760 --> 00:36:13.780
You don't check a box when you're 40 and say,

626
00:36:13.820 --> 00:36:15.719
I'm happy. I don't need to worry about that anymore.

627
00:36:15.760 --> 00:36:18.710
You know, what makes you happy at 40 doesn't make

628
00:36:18.750 --> 00:36:23.070
you happy at 50 and 60 and 70 and so on. So,

629
00:36:23.570 --> 00:36:28.630
you know, but the goal doesn't change. The goal of

630
00:36:29.090 --> 00:36:31.429
I want to be happy. Yeah. I want to be

631
00:36:31.449 --> 00:36:34.010
a good grandparent. I want to make a difference. That

632
00:36:34.050 --> 00:36:36.610
doesn't change. Because I'm sure when you were in a

633
00:36:36.630 --> 00:36:38.409
dental practice, you made a difference in a lot of

634
00:36:38.429 --> 00:36:41.909
people's lives. You know, just think of the dentistry that

635
00:36:41.949 --> 00:36:44.909
you did and how people have better smiles, less pain

636
00:36:44.969 --> 00:36:48.119
and that kind of stuff. So, you know, you were

637
00:36:48.139 --> 00:36:51.119
making a difference. You may not have been able to

638
00:36:51.260 --> 00:36:54.079
say that at the time, but you were still making

639
00:36:54.099 --> 00:36:55.980
a difference. Does that make any sense?

640
00:36:56.300 --> 00:36:57.880
It makes a huge amount of sense.

641
00:36:58.179 --> 00:37:03.389
And as you say, You know, those innate desires are

642
00:37:03.469 --> 00:37:08.030
always there. And yes, we accomplish those in different ways.

643
00:37:08.469 --> 00:37:12.090
And you're absolutely right. Depending on the time in our lives,

644
00:37:12.550 --> 00:37:16.190
we might change how we are accomplishing that. But the

645
00:37:16.250 --> 00:37:19.510
reality is if we can discover that, and I think

646
00:37:19.530 --> 00:37:22.219
that becomes the key, and we're running out of time.

647
00:37:22.679 --> 00:37:23.820
We could go on for hours.

648
00:37:25.300 --> 00:37:28.519
But the key is that if we can discover that,

649
00:37:29.090 --> 00:37:32.409
And then make sure that we are literally applying that

650
00:37:32.469 --> 00:37:36.480
in whatever we happen to be doing. That changes that

651
00:37:36.559 --> 00:37:39.860
sense of peace and self and joy in our lives.

652
00:37:40.360 --> 00:37:43.400
And I think that's what's amazing. So anyway, how do

653
00:37:43.460 --> 00:37:45.539
people find you? How do they find your books?

654
00:37:46.599 --> 00:37:50.300
Amazon, shoalsandassociates.com is my website. You can put that in

655
00:37:50.320 --> 00:37:55.420
the show notes. And I'm also, the books are on

656
00:37:55.440 --> 00:37:57.739
a number of different audiobook platforms as well.

657
00:37:58.179 --> 00:38:01.300
OK, perfect. And what would be your final message to

658
00:38:01.340 --> 00:38:02.420
the audience today?

659
00:38:03.659 --> 00:38:05.780
Don't be afraid of change. I guess that's that's a

660
00:38:06.110 --> 00:38:09.329
great thing. But, you know, one of the things that

661
00:38:09.650 --> 00:38:12.409
I have been really strong at over the years is

662
00:38:12.469 --> 00:38:16.250
being curious. And I love the Walt Whitman quote, be curious,

663
00:38:16.329 --> 00:38:19.849
not judgmental, because if you stay curious, it keeps you young.

664
00:38:20.230 --> 00:38:22.869
And when you stay curious, you can make different decisions.

665
00:38:22.909 --> 00:38:25.610
You can get different information. And that makes all the difference.

666
00:38:25.969 --> 00:38:27.460
Wonderful. And you're right.

667
00:38:27.519 --> 00:38:31.599
Curiosity is one of the key factors in someone having

668
00:38:31.639 --> 00:38:35.300
a wonderful life. So, Chip, thanks so much. This has

669
00:38:35.360 --> 00:38:38.280
been an amazing conversation. And like I say, we could

670
00:38:38.320 --> 00:38:40.889
probably go on for hours on this stuff.

671
00:38:40.969 --> 00:38:45.949
That's right. We could. Thank you, Doug. It's been absolutely marvelous. And,

672
00:38:46.949 --> 00:38:49.309
you know, not every day I talk to somebody from Thailand.

673
00:38:49.849 --> 00:38:53.449
Well, yeah, thank you. And folks, thanks for listening. I

674
00:38:53.489 --> 00:38:56.389
hope you got something out of this. And this is Dr. Doug.

675
00:38:56.429 --> 00:39:00.150
And because I'm in Thailand, I've learned to say namaste.

676
00:39:00.570 --> 00:39:01.230
Namaste.

677
00:39:01.710 --> 00:39:04.809
Every conversation on this podcast eventually comes back to that

678
00:39:04.849 --> 00:39:08.210
same question, not how do I get more, but is

679
00:39:08.230 --> 00:39:12.030
this actually who I am? If something you heard today

680
00:39:12.170 --> 00:39:15.010
moved you just a little closer to an honest answer,

681
00:39:15.829 --> 00:39:16.510
that is enough.

682
00:39:16.989 --> 00:39:20.690
I'm Dr. Doug. This is Inspire Vision. Until next time.